grows on trees

dont let the tilt misguide you

Nothing Travels Faster

 

Stuff:

 

AZOURY - Insidious Mask 1

PFC~Iron arms -

The Forge Kiera Bodice

.Shi Eirene hair

ZIBSKA Noir Eye Make-Up

::TI:: Ear Cuffs V1 - anthracite - White diamond(L)

(LG) Katana Pose 2

Think less but see it grow like a riot.

 

This is kind of different for me, but I really like it. I had a hard time deciding on which photo to chose for this. There were just a tad bit more reasons why I liked this one more.

 

(+1 in comments)

 

Ps. I haven't been this happy with my life in 2 years.

Love is not blind. Love is truth and never has truth ever attempted to deceive or misguide. That is the ego. Never mistake the ego for love.

Ruhr University Bochum

I am proud and happy to show my last work at the January 2021 exhibition @ Nitroglobus . Opening on Monday 11 January.

 

I hope to see you there !

 

----------------------------------------------------------

 

When I began to work on this exhibition I couldn't imagine it is so accurate with this strange and uncertain political period in USA.

 

American Shot is a journey through the last western Empire. Western empires began somewhere between the Tigris and the Euphrates rivers was born the civilization that initiated the conquest towards the West, until the last Western empire reached its limit, ironically called “Pacific”.

 

There, today, the destiny of man is at stake. It is the end of conquest, the end of growth. The dominant male, who has always ruled civilizations, finds himself naked, ridiculous and dangerous : what when there is nothing left to conquer ?

 

Mankind had reached the limit of the world : one more step and its bright civilizations will be annihilated as the worm Ouroboros devoured itself by eating its tail.

 

In the face of this dilemma, there is a moment to slow down, to give up, and to make a shift.

 

A choice between hatred of the other and universal love. A choice between violence and our wise ignorance, our love for what lives, our dreams and artworks, our highest ideas of justice, our astonishment for the stars, our creative misguidance and the maintenance of the fire of our desires.

Aeroport de Barcelona T-1

 

Looks like she's about to hit him and he's protecting himself, but they were just talking... :o) One example of a misguiding picture. Catalans and Spaniards in general are very colorful when they speak.

Sembla que ella estigui a punt de pegar-lo i ell es protegeix, però simplement estaven parlant. Una proba de una fotografia que pot ser mal interpretada.

Parece que ella esta a punto de pegarle y el se protege, pero simplemente estaban hablando. Una prueba de una fotografía que puede ser mal interpretada.

The Great Mystery - Avantasia

 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ow8vN-wQNpk

 

[Blackwell:]

How could I let it get this far?

To the edge I've been drawn by promises

And what's the reason

For a heart to only misguide me

Blind me, tear myself apart?

 

[Epiphany:]

When darkness falls and silence talks

At the edge of thoughts that you memorised

I'm the truth between the lines

They read and deny me and tie me to fantasy

And they'll curse this darkest hour

When in oblivion I'll die

 

[Blackwell:]

Oh will you make me turn the page, one after another

If only you would make a mark the eye can see

 

[Epiphany:]

You're dancing in around

Through the dark you long to find

Alight at the midnight t sky

To persuade the night

 

[Blackwell:]

Don't leave me blind, give me one sign

Grant me just one look into the mystery behind

Fire and flames, heartache and pain:

You break me just to make me feel like a golden child

What if it's nothing but a dream

The great mystery, great mystery

 

[Science:]

We carry the flame to accelerate

The evolution of an age

Cast your eyes into the crystal ball - alright

We embrittle the weak that is'nt meant to be

We're gonna make it coronate the chosen ones

Who never sinned against their vocation

 

[Reason:]

Don't be afraid: just look around

Don't question what your eyes can see

 

[Blackwell:]

Don't leave me blind, give me one sign

Grant me just one look into the mystery behind

Fire and flames, heartache and pain:

I've borne from my devotion

 

Oh she won't see me, she won't feel me

She's lost on her won, and so am I?

 

[Epiphany:]

I see a cold moon rise above those empty streets

And I see movements part their lives

I hear the ticking leaving scars you can't conceal

Ain't it poignant how you try

 

Impatiently they're giving up on hearts

Whose signs they cannot read

As silence doesn't talk, eternity will cease

 

And as you marvel at the artwork in your hands

Rich in detail, so frail and beautiful

And you forget the rules

The elder's always made up for you

To save you precious time

 

You watch them pile up, they are saving on and on

Even you don't know where they store it all

You've got to be a fool if you don't save along

A thousand screaming

And silence doesn't speak to thousands screaming

No, silence doesn't wanna speak…

 

[lead guitar: Bruce Kulick]

 

[Blackwell:]

And I see tears shed over days when all was good

A child didn't care for what never really mattered

 

[Epiphany:]

I see tears shed over days

When all was good and time

They had a lot to give away

When their hearts had eyes to see

And the final mystery

Was more than a fancy tale

And answers you did find

To dare what you would find inside, no

 

[Blackwell:]

Don't leave me blind, give me one sign

Grant me just one look into the mystery behind

Fire and flames, heartache and pain:

You break me just to make me feel like a golden child

Don't leave me blind, give me one sing

Grant me just one look into the mystery behind

Fire and flames, heartache and pain:

You break me just to make me feel like a golden child

Don't leave me blind, send a sing

Oh is it really not a dream?

The great mystery

  

Visit this location at Lutz City of Templemore in Second Life

Messier (M) 63, the Sunflower Galaxy in Canes Venatici in the northern spring sky. This is a fine example of a "flocculent" spiral galaxy with tightly wound and patchy spiral arms. Several small and more distant 14th and 15th magnitude UGC and PGC galaxies are also in the field.

 

This is a stack of 9 x 8-minute exposures at ISO 1600 with the Canon EOS Ra through the Astro-Physics 130mm EDT apo refractor at f/6 with the 6x7 field flattener. One image in the 10-frame sequence had misguiding for some odd reason and was not included in the stack. Taken from home April 30, 2021. Starizona's Galaxy Enhance action applied to M63.

Life does not always go the way we want it to be or the way we planned . Sometimes we have to undergo a lot of things that we never thought would happen to us , but that's just how life is . It has its ups and downs , but we have to fight for what we believe in and hold on to it . The last few days haven't gone quite well for me and I'm okay with it . I know I can't always expect things to go exactly the way I planned them to be because I'm only human and "To Err Is Human" . We do mistakes all time , and most of the times we regret doing them . But we should not let these mistakes and our regrets mess with our minds , because that usually misguides people into bad things . There will always be storms in our lives and the key to remain unharmed is to hold on to the things we believe in , things we love and eventually the good days are sure to come ! My exams end in 2 days , and I just can't wait to be free again . I have so many things going on in my mind and I now know what I want to hold on to :)

  

Press L

Please don't use this image anywhere without my explicit permission.

© All rights reserved by Meer Sadi

  

LIKE MY PAGE ON FACEBOOK

This historical palace is situated in city of Mandu.MP.India. in front of the building an artificial lake was made, and Palace was designed such that it's exterior should resemble to a massive

ship. The name of this palace is 'Jahaj mahal' ...Jahaj for ship and mahal for palace.

 

Jordan is an amazing country and as usual I have made a short film to capture our experience to this stunning ancient land. Have a look; I am sure you would like it.

 

Exploring the Timeless Beauty of Jordan

 

This is one of the image that was always in my mind when I went back to Jordan this April. Unfortunately; it is way more complex to arrange the logistic for this image than capturing the image itself. So I had to improvise.

 

Just to make sure that I don't misguide anyone; I will add in how this was captured.

 

Access to the archaeological site of Petra is not possible after sunset. However; with a local guide I made some arrangement where they allowed me to stay there 2 hours after the sunset. But the Milkyway would only align like this close to midnight and I will be kicked out by 9PM.

 

So how would I capture the image? Well that is where some planning came handy. After some careful map study; I found a hill outside the archaeological site, but high enough to give me an unrestricted view of the Milkyway and also points to the right direction.

 

So the plan was; I would capture the Monastery between 20:30 and 21:00. The go out and climb that hill and stay there till mid night to capture the Milkyway and blend them together to come close to how it would look around mid night at that location itself.

 

There is a local Bedouin shop just next to the Monastery and they have installed some powerful LED lights and that was completely ruining the image. So I requested them to switch it off. But they can't it is lit with solar and light sensor. There are no switch to switch it off. They understood the problem and one of the person of the shop covered it with his jacket. So kind of him. But it was still creating a little ambient light. Initially I was a bit sceptical about it; but in fact I liked that effect from the ambient light.

 

However; it felt a bit flat. That gate of the Monastery looks so mysterious. I had to do something about it to make it some kind of gateway. To hell or heaven; I let you interpret that. At the same time I needed to make a contrast. So the red light of my head torch came into rescue.

 

I hate taking images of architecture that looks like falling off the frame and all the straight lines of the wall converging at the top. This is exactly what happens when you capture such grand architecture with a wide angle lens. As at this location I would only capture the Monastery; I tool my trusty 17MM Tilt Shift lens with me. With the tilt function it helps keeping the lines of the architecture exactly how it should be.

 

We were kicked out of the place by the security at 22:00. After the 45 mins walk to the parking I let my guide go and went to the base of the hill. Parked my car. Swapped the camera, grabbed the astro gears and climbed an hour to the top of the hill.

 

Now a surprising thing happened. The city of the Petra is behind the Monastery, so it creates good amount of light pollution. However where I went is behind the city of Petra and I am looking at a direction where there are no cities for around 80 KMs and I would capture the Milkyway a bit high in the sky, so no light pollution. I would be honest; this means; if I would have captured the Milkyway from exactly the location of Monastery; I would have had way more light pollution.

But after all those effort; I would take it. The mid night arrived and I captured the Milkyway exactly on the angle I wanted it to be and later an easy processing of the foreground and the Milkyway separately and blend them together made this image possible.

 

For some who wants to know equipment; here are some details.

 

Monastery (Foreground)

Canon R5

Canon EF 17MM TSE

F4 ISO 400 4 Minutes for the Monastery

4 light frames and 1 dark frame

F5.6 ISO 100 15 Seconds for the Monastery Gate

 

Sky

H-Alpha Modified Nikon D850

Sigma 28MM F1.4 Art

Benro Polaris Astro Tracker

F4 ISO 400 4 Minutes

4 light frames and one dark frame

F2.8 ISO 1600 4 Minutes (Using a 12 NM H-Alpha Filter to boost the red Hydrogen Alpha light intensity in the image)

4 light frames

 

Please have a look at my website www.avisekhphotography.com for all my recent works.

 

Have a nice weekend.

 

Hope you will enjoy the picture.

 

Any suggestions or criticisms are always welcome.

Helloween - Keeper Of The Seven Keys

From the album: Keeper Of The Seven Keys part II

  

Make the people

hold each other's hands

and fill their hearts with truth

you made up your mind

so do as divined

 

Put on your armour

ragged after fights

hold up your sword

you're leaving the light

make yourself ready

for the lords of the dark

they'll watch your way

so be cautious, quiet and hark

 

You hear them whispering

in the crowns of the trees

you're whirling 'round

but your eyes don't agree

will 'o' the wisps

misguiding your path

you can't throw a curse

without takin' their wrath

 

[Bridge:]

Watch out for the seas of hatred and sin

or all us people forget what we've been

our only hope's your victory

kill that satan who won't let us be--kill!

 

[Chorus:]

You're the keeper of the seven keys

that lock up the seven seas

and the seer of visions sais before he went blind

hide them from demons and rescue mankind

or the world we're all in will soon be sold

to the thone of the evil payed with Lucifer's gold

 

You can feel cold sweat

running down your neck

and the dwarfs of falseness

throw mud at your back

 

Guided by spells

of the old seer's hand

you're suffering pain

only steel can stand

 

[Bridge:]

Stay well on your way and follow the sign

fulfull your own promise and do what's divined

the seven seas are far away

placed in the valley of dust heat and sway

 

[Chorus:]

You're the keeper of the seven keys

that lock up the seven seas

and the seer of visions said before he went blind

hide them from demons and rescue mankind

or the world we're all in will soon be sold

to the throne of the evil payed with Lucifer's gold

 

Throw the first key into the sea of hate

[Solo: Mike/Kai]

throw the second key into the sea of fear

throw the third key into the sea of senselessness

and make the people hold each other's hands

the fourth key belongs into the sea of greed

and the fifth into the sea of ignorance

Disease, disease, disease my friend

for this whole world's in devil's hand

Disease, disease, disease my friend

throw the key or you may die

 

[Solo: Kai/Mike/Kai/Mike]

 

On a mound at the shore of the last sea

he is sitting, fixing your sight

with his high iron voice causing sickness

he is playing you out with delight

man who do you just think you are?

a silly bum with seven stars

don't throw the key or you will see

dimensions cruel as they can be

don't let him suck off your power

throw the key. . .!

 

[Solo: both/Kai/Mike/Kai/Mike]

 

An earthquake, squirting fire, bursting ground

Satan's screaming, and earth swallowing him away!

 

[Chorus:]

You're the keeper of the seven keys

you locked up the seven seas

and the seer of visions can now rest in peace

there ain't no more demons and no more disease

and, mankind, live up, you're free again

yes the tyrant is dead, he is gone, overthrown

you have given our souls back to light.

Preview of the January 2021 exhibition @ Nitroglobus . Opening on Monday 11 January.

 

I hope to see you there !

 

----------------------------------------------------------

 

When I began to work on this exhibition I couldn't imagine it is so accurate with this strange and uncertain political period in USA.

 

American Shot is a journey through the last western Empire. Western empires began somewhere between the Tigris and the Euphrates rivers was born the civilization that initiated the conquest towards the West, until the last Western empire reached its limit, ironically called “Pacific”.

 

There, today, the destiny of man is at stake. It is the end of conquest, the end of growth. The dominant male, who has always ruled civilizations, finds himself naked, ridiculous and dangerous : what when there is nothing left to conquer ?

 

Mankind had reached the limit of the world : one more step and its bright civilizations will be annihilated as the worm Ouroboros devoured itself by eating its tail.

 

In the face of this dilemma, there is a moment to slow down, to give up, and to make a shift.

 

A choice between hatred of the other and universal love. A choice between violence and our wise ignorance, our love for what lives, our dreams and artworks, our highest ideas of justice, our astonishment for the stars, our creative misguidance and the maintenance of the fire of our desires.

Press L to view large on black

 

Loch Cill with Beinn na Caillich behind, Isle of Skye. A rather misguiding image weather wise. This sunny spell lasted about 10 to 15 minutes, before and after some heavy winds, biting cold and hailstorms passed through. It was well worth the wait in this beautiful spot in Skye.

 

Loch Cill con Beinn na Caillich detrás, isla de Skye, Escocia. Esta imagen es un tanto engañosa en cuanto al tiempo se refiere. Este claro soleado duró entre 10/15 minutos, antes y después vientos fuertes, un frio que pelaba y tormentas de granizo barrían el lugar. Mereció la pena sin embargo esperar en este bellísimo paraje de Skye.

Nestled on the edge of the bayou. With the abyssal ocean spread as far as the eye can see. Many seafarers and fisherman once came here for a moments respite from the days labour at the mercy of Poseidon. With tales of ocean beasts and misguiding songs. Yet as time drew on, that labour turned to hardship and the port is but a fraction of what remains. Now tormented by the sirens of the deep and a home to the lost souls of Dreadville. Many call upon the ferryman to take them from here to the next life. But many instead feel the sweet touch of eternal death, coldly bringing them to the depths....Point Pier Wharf is now open.

Press L to view large on black

 

Weather wise this was image is rather misguiding. I was sheltering most of the time behind some big rock waiting for the weather front to give me a break and take my camera out of my rucksack. I didn't mind the strong winds and sore hailstones hitting my hands and face for such an amazing view of the Cuillin Hills from Elgol beach.

 

En términos meteorológicos esta imagen es bastante engañosa. La mayor parte del tiempo que estuve en este lugar, lo pasé resguardado tras una gran roca esperando el momento para poder sacar mi cámara. La verdad es que no me importó el fuerte viento y los granizos golpeando mis manos y cara teniendo en cuenta el espectáculo natural que tenia a la vista, con las Cuillin Hills vistas desde la playa de Elgol.

 

Canon 7D + Tokina 11-16 f/2.8 + Lee Big stopper

The addition of guided anti-tank munitions on the contemporary battlefield has been a blessing for infantrymen but a blight for armored units seeking a monopoly on terrestrial strength. The ability for a foot soldier to engage and neutralize AFVs from afar is a vehicle commander's worst nightmare as there is a distinct asymmetric advantage of stealth and mobility favoring the grunt. In order to combat this rather obnoxious threat, the JNA began experimenting with dazzlers and energy weapons meant to destroy or otherwise confuse ATGMs being employed against allied armor. Although Yugoslavia followed the Russians in their pursuit of energy weapons in the latter '70s and '80s, it wasn't until the early '00s that enough interest and money was pumped into the project for tangible results to appear. The end product was the M-241 Sud, a platform that is still very much classified and indeed controversial.

 

Granted much of the Sud's development data has been sealed away to keep prying Western eyes at bay, little is actually known about the capabilities of the vehicle. It's been postulated that the system is either a mobile chemical laser meant to track and detonate ATGMs before they near Yugoslav vehicles or it is a prism meant to send out various IR signatures to misguide those same missiles. Given the presence of what appears to be a large radiator behind the turreted lens, the prospect of the Sud being a chemical laser of some sort seems more likely. Unfortunately--for both the Yugoslavs and Western intelligence agencies--very few samples of this vehicle exist; therefore, observing it and its capabilities is an impracticable task. Regardless, it's been rumored that the rate of successful interception/neutralization is around 80%, meaning that if employed in large enough numbers, the M-241 could practically negate all missileborne threats challenging Yugoslav armored vehicles.

 

Despite such a purportedly impressive record, the vehicle is considered to be too expensive to see mass introduction into the JNA. A single production run of a dozen vehicles is all that's been recorded since the Sud's inception and at least three of the vehicles have been mothballed due to a lack of spare parts and rather expensive maintenance costs. The main concern of the West at this point in time is the prospect of the underlying technology aboard the -241 being exported to the USR, an economy that could actually churn out enough vehicles to negate the EADA and American ATGM advantage in the Far East and elsewhere.

I reach out for the unreachable

Ambition misguides me to the

Deepest of it

You know I couldn't do this for ever

Even though I said that I could

 

i havent been on in a while. i havent taken pictures in a while. my brother has been very sick and in the hospital and ive been distracted by school work. im becoming more restless as the school year comes to a close. i know i could have done better but i cant change anything now. i just need freedom and some peace of mind.

  

His Holiness Younus AlGohar explains why true Islam is all about the Prophet Mohammad; Muslims who refused to acknowledge his importance were misguided. 'Islam without Prophet Mohammad is sheer terrorism!'

 

Main points:

God purposely created confusion in the Quran because he did not want the religion to last. According to him, the religion to be established is Deen-e-Hanif (God's own religion).

 

Many verses in the Quran seem contradictory and a common man is easily misguided by reading those verses. The Quran is like a teacher's manual - it is not meant to be read by the students.

 

Mujaddid Alif Thani said, 'Beginners should not read the Quran.' Only after purification can one read the Quran without fear of misguidance.

 

True Islam begins with Prophet Mohammad and ends with Prophet Mohammad. Islam which takes guidance from the Quran and gives secondary importance to Prophet Mohammad is disgusting.

 

The true source of knowledge is the Prophet Mohammad, not the Quran. The Quran is the raw material with which Prophet Mohammad built the religion of Islam.

 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YWk51pjWv4

Nestled on the edge of the bayou. With the abyssal ocean spread as far as the eye can see. Many seafarers and fisherman once came here for a moments respite from the days labour at the mercy of Poseidon. With tales of ocean beasts and misguiding songs. Yet as time drew on, that labour turned to hardship and the port is but a fraction of what remains. Now tormented by the sirens of the deep and a home to the lost souls of Dreadville. Many call upon the ferryman to take them from here to the next life. But many instead feel the sweet touch of eternal death, coldly bringing them to the depths....Point Pier Wharf is now open.

 

HOW TO HELP DECEASED !

 

In the name of Allah, We praise Him, seek His help and ask for His forgiveness. Whoever Allah guides none can misguide, and whoever He allows to fall astray, none can guide them aright. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah Alone, and we bear witness that Muhammad (saws) is His slave-servant and the seal of His Messengers.

 

AbuHurairah reported, "The Prophet (saws) said, 'When a person dies all his good deeds cease except for three:

1). a continuous act of charity (which the deceased did in his lifetime),

2). beneficial knowledge (which the deceased left behind),

3). a righteous son (children) who prays for him'.''Related by Muslim and AbuDawood.

 

Abu Hurairah reported, "The Prophet (saws) said, 'The righteous works that continue to benefit a believer after his death include the knowledge that he taught and spread among others, a righteous son (children) whom he leaves behind, or a copy of the Qur'an that he bequeaths to his inheritors, or a mosque that he builds, or a rest house that he builds for the wayfarers, or a canal of water that he digs for the benefit of others, or a charity that he gives out of his property during his life while he is sound of health. He will continue to receive reward for all these even after his death.'

For more : www.islamhelpline.com/node/6928

 

PLEASE BE NOTED: Any arguments are strictly not allowed.

===============================================

© All Rights Reserved

Please seek my consent to publish it anywhere.

:::::::::::::: [RAZU] ::::::::::::::

jakirrazu@hotmail.com

===============================================

I appreciate your comments and Favs.

Thanks in advance for visiting my Photostream.

**********PLEASE NO GRAPHICS**********

v-glam.blogspot.com/2012/01/cccccopycat.html

  

Ty Noelita for helping me ❤

    

♫ Guess Who? You Bitches Is Ri-Ri(Lum)

Lam Lam strawberry and kiwi

Fashion week in paris was nice

Every Designer had my size(ha ha ha ha ha ha)

Switch my hair they gon copy her

Switch my gear they gon copy her

Look at how they stare just to copy her

Now Roger that, did you copy that, ccccopycat

 

I am g-going home

I am g-going home

I shut it down already

I am g-going home

I am g-going home

I am g-going home

I shut it down already

I am g-going home

 

Backdoor because I am leaving

One more and now they just greddy

Yo, tell them to go make dem want, we don't misguide ♫

 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=OuYYjbBQ2KE

flagged safe

© All rights reserved

there's a lot of controversy regarding dimensions of GOD... among religions...

Some says Allah is invisible, cannot be defined into dimensions...

Some portray god Through iconic sculptures...

The religions are different, the tales and rituals varies...

But they all do believe... believe in GOD...

All describes evil as the misguiding power...

This evil influence human beings to commit sin...

sins are always sinful... whatever the religion is...

Some poetry deities killing the evil, the evil in human face...

And what's the color of his blood?

It's red and obviously red... because evil power always lies inside human...

Though Hinduism define them through sculptures.... Besides other religions like Islam, Christians depict the same canon in different diction...

(An artist is coloring the sculpture of "Hindu Goddess Durga killing Evil Ashur" for upcoming rituals)

  

__________________________________________________

Photo Taken with Canon EOS 1D MkIIN & EF 50mm F1.8II

Taken From Alkoron Road, Chittagong, Bangladesh.

 

Copyright: Abdul Aziz Apu

Contact: apu029@gmail.com

Place: Ratti Gali, Kaghan Valley.

while i was on my way to Ratti Gali i found Allah written with ice on the mountain.

Surely Allah has sent mankind enough signs to strengthen their faith, but yet people are still stumbling in the dark. May Allah guide the believers and Non- believers from Misguidance.

This is the sixth lesson in His Holiness Younus AlGohar’s course on Self-Awareness, Level 2: Emotional Intelligence.

 

For better background information, read Self-Awareness, Level 1, in the Messiah Herald: For better background information, read Self-Awareness, Level 1, in the Messiah Herald: www.joomag.com/magazine/the-messiah-herald-issue-02-mar-2...

 

Read Self-Awareness, Level 2, Lesson 5 here: www.younusalgohar.org/articles/self-awareness-level-2-les...

 

An excerpt: Sometimes, emotions can really misguide you. Emotions should be intact with intellectualism. If the intellect is separated from emotions, you are in trouble.

  

Nowadays it is helpful to have a pair of truth glasses nearby. The world of mankind is afflicted with falsehoods, misguidance and illusions. We will find peace in the depths of our hearts.

 

In respect,

Richard 🙏

Continued from:

www.flickr.com/photos/42093313@N00/52651478772/in/datepos...

 

The First Jolt

 

أَنِّي مَسَّنِيَ الضُّرُّ وَأَنتَ أَرْحَمُ الرَّاحِمِينَ

 

Prayed the Prophet Ayub (as),

"Indeed, adversity has touched me, and you are the Most Merciful of the merciful”.

Surah Al Anbiya, Verse 83

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Anni massani ad durru: Indeed adversity has touched me, O Lord, far away have gone those close to me and my relatives and all the ones who were affectionate with me…

 

Wa anta: and You are The One remaining who is still for me Merciful and Affectionate for indeed You are…

 

Arham ar Rahimeen: the Most Merciful of the merciful so come to me suddenly with Your Lutf, Kindness because I have no strength and no patience after this and surely his suffering had reached its heights.

 

When I came back to Lahore, I had a recurring interaction with a new friend in my life who I was finding was inconsistent by nature. It was making me react in extremes. I was either over-indulgent or wishing to exit in a way that would only appear as abandonment. At first I thought I didn’t care but all too quickly acknowledged that I did. That’s because it created confusion for me and if you have two and a half relationships in total in life, you need clarity. At all times!

 

The Quran had ordered moderation in interactions. Pretty much quite literally in the tafseer of a single word: Qayyiman.

 

قَیِّمࣰا لِّیُنذِرَ بَأۡسࣰا شَدِیدࣰا مِّن لَّدُنۡهُ وَیُبَشِّرَ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنِینَ ٱلَّذِینَ یَعۡمَلُونَ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتِ أَنَّ لَهُمۡ أَجۡرًا حَسَنࣰا

 

Straight, to warn of a punishment severe, from near Him

and give glad tidings to the believers,

those who do righteous deeds, that for them is a reward good.

Surah Al Kahf, Verse 2

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

And overall:

 

Qayyiman: (The Book) is straight, unfaltering and moderate between the ways of over-indulgence and abandonment, both of which are reprehensible in terms of reason and religion. And Allah has made it descend upon His Servant and Beloved (salutations and greetings upon the one who is unparalleled before his Lord)…

 

I wanted to follow the Command but I didn’t how to do it without putting myself in harm’s way.

 

Just then Qari Sahib had a death in the family. My cousin called me to take our weekly class. I had totally given up speaking publicly about anything related to the faith. I think it was because it would be under some guise of sharing knowledge but really I was just breaking rules. If one doesn’t manifest the knowledge in deed, talking about it, even in theory, is strictly forbidden.

 

Still, I asked Qari Sahib what he thought and we agreed that I would just read a page of Al Fath Ar Rabbani. Literally just read it!

 

I was midway in the book. I couldn’t figure out how to pick one sermon of my blessed Master, the King of all Spiritual Masters. I decided to go to page one. It had been almost two years that I had started the book and this is what I read:

 

Al Fath Ar Rabbani:

 

“Ae’taraz, finding fault with, objecting to, raising doubt about Al Haqq Azzo Jal on the descent of fate decreed is the death of religion.”

 

The next few lines repeated the word that put fear in my heart, an emotion uncommon in my spiritual journey:

“It is the death of Tauheed, His One-ness.

It is the death of Tawakkul, relying upon Him and Ikhlas, sincerity.

 

The heart with imaan, faith, doesn’t know the words ‘Why’ and ‘How.’ It does not know the words ‘But instead.’

Its only response is ‘Yes.’

 

It is the habit of the nafs to be contrary, confrontational and quarreling. The nafs (Ammara) is only sharr, wrongdoing.

So one should wish for its correction and its striving until it finds refuge from its evil. For it is sharr fi sharr, evil upon evil, in totality. Hence, if it labours in great effort and becomes calm, it grows into and comes to be in totality, khair fi khair, goodness in goodness, assuming the form of the gathering of obedience and in the leaving all sin, so then is said to it…”

 

I had only just begun the read when I stopped.

 

Four deaths in one go! Of everything that I was striving for and clearly falsely declaring. All attributed to one reason; ae’taraz!

 

First I looked up the word even though I knew its meaning.

 

Ae’taraz: an objection, a criticism, an offering of a protest, the raising of doubt, a complaint, disapproval, disagreement.

 

The kicker, which I realized immediately because of the severity of the consequence; the losing of deen (religion), Tauheed (Allah’s One-ness), tawwakul (reliance), and ikhlas (sincerity) was because I was finding fault, having the ae’taraz, with not even what had been decreed for me.

 

I was depriving myself of everything that mattered in my life because of useless disappointment with what was the fate of others!

 

13 years on a spiritual path and I was throwing it all away again and again because of why someone else did something. All of whom either pretended unawareness of their actions or prided themselves on the indifference they felt about the impact of their actions on another. Who didn’t care about anyone at all.

 

That is how I realized the truth of the reality behind the push and pull. That it was in fact the manifestation of that ae’taraz.

 

“Why wasn’t this happening and why did that happen? Why couldn’t it have gone like that and why didn’t I say this, do that? Why didn’t they say this, do that?” It was endless. It was always pointless. One even recognized that. Never in a million years though could I have imagined that it was spiritual suicide.

 

Thus the word imkaan, possibility, made its grand entrance. Ae’taraz was the poison and fire of possibilities. It was a disease of the heart.

  

The Diseases of the Heart

 

رَبَّنَا لَا تُزِغْ قُلُوبَنَا بَعْدَ إِذْ هَدَيْتَنَا وَهَبْ لَنَا مِن لَّدُنكَ رَحْمَةً ۚ

إِنَّكَ أَنتَ ٱلْوَهَّابُ

 

They say,˺ “Our Lord! Do not let our hearts deviate after you have guided us.

Grant us Your mercy.

You are indeed the Giver of all bounties.

Surah Aal e Imran, Verse 8

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Rabbana: O You who is our Lord, The One who brought about our upbringing by Your Lutf, Mercies, upon the foundation of Your One-ness…

 

La tuzigh: do not deviate and do not make inclined…

 

Qulubuna: our hearts away from Your Path…

 

Ba’ada id hadaytana: after You guided us towards Your Way by revealing Your Books and sending Your Messengers.

 

Wahaba lana: And grant us and bestow upon us…

 

Mil ladunka rahma-tan: from Yourself, Mercy and the Knowledge of Divine Certainty, the Witnessing of Divine Certainty and the Truth of Divine Certainty.

 

Innaka anta al Wahaab: Verily, You are Al Wahaab, The Bestower, without any exchange and without any motive.

 

I searched the word “disease” first in my tafaseer. It had appeared twice.

 

The first was in the breaking of the pact between Man and God. Between the nafs and the ruh and the qalb - the egoistic self, the soul and the heart within the heart. The Surah was At Tauba, The Repentance. It had always played a transformational role in my life.

 

It was its first verse:

 

‏بَرَآءَةٌۭ مِّنَ ٱللَّهِ وَرَسُولِهِۦٓ إِلَى ٱلَّذِينَ عَهَدتُّم مِّنَ ٱلْمُشْرِكِينَ

 

The disavowal from obligations by Allah and His Messenger (peace be upon him and his family) from the covenant with the idolators.

Surah Tauba, Verse 1

 

Commentary by Hazrat Najmuddin Kubra (ra):

 

“The symbolic meaning of the verse is this: The mushrikeen, the idolator, is the wayward and polytheist nafs, the base self, who made desires its lord and master and began to worship the idols of the world.”

 

When a person is in their early years, the ruh and qalb, the soul and the heart within the heart which is the Station of Recognition of Allah, made a pact with the ego.

 

The terms of it being that the ruh and the qalb will not fight and kill the nafs until the person reaches maturity. Similarly, the nafs also makes a pact not to instigate problems with the ruh and the qalb, which carry the burden of Allah’s Trust and become watchful of Islamic Jurisprudence, the Shari’a, so that the bodily skeleton reaches complete maturity and the physical strength is attained at its peak,

 

In this time, the aql, the intellect, the power to reason and reflect, becomes strong which can then accept the invitation of Truth and have the ability to answer it. It is this aql that allows the recognition of the Prophets and their miracles. And it is through this aql that the proof of the Presence of Allah is established and it understands the compulsion of His Worship in order to express gratitude towards Him for His Blessings.

Indeed, Allah and His Messenger (peace be upon him) withdraw from the pact after maturity is gained.

 

Because Man broke the pact which was between the nafs and the ruh and the qalb. Before maturity was gained, the nafs was only focused on eating, drinking and clothing itself so that the body can develop and all its needs are met. To this extent, there was no problem for the ruh and the qalb from the nafs.

 

But once maturity was gained, lust and desires became added to these needs.

 

When the lust appeared along with the need for food and drink, its destruction created physical desires for a mate. When that lust was aroused and started tempting the body, the qalb and the ruh began to become weak. This was the fatal disease for which the Prophets were sent so as to dispel it.

 

انما بعثت لرفع العادات و ترک الشھوات

 

Just like Nabi Kareem (salutations and greetings upon him and his family by The One who named him with Himself),

“I have been sent to end the ways of ignorance and to prevail over the desires of lust.”

 

I noticed how at least two ahadith had appeared in this piece starting with the same words: innama bu’istu – I was sent - first to manifest the excellence and perfection of akhlaq, manners, behaviour, morality, character, as taught by Al Khaliq, Al Bar’i, Al Mussawir, The Only One who creates, gives form and shape.

 

And second to end ignorance and prevail over the desires of the forbidden. Of the mushrik, wayward and polytheist nafs which made desires its lord and master and which it wants to worship as idols of the world.

 

As I read those words again and again, I was reminded of how it directly referenced a verse in the Quran:

 

أَفَرَءَیۡتَ مَنِ ٱتَّخَذَ إِلَـٰهَهُۥ هَوَىٰهُ وَأَضَلَّهُ ٱللَّهُ عَلَىٰ عِلۡمࣲ وَخَتَمَ عَلَىٰ سَمۡعِهِۦ وَقَلۡبِهِۦ

وَجَعَلَ عَلَىٰ بَصَرِهِۦ

غِشَـٰوَةࣰ فَمَن یَهۡدِیهِ مِنۢ بَعۡدِ ٱللَّهِۚ أَفَلَا تَذَكَّرُونَ

 

Have you seen (he) who takes (as) his god his desire and Allah lets him go astray knowingly, and He sets a seal upon his hearing and his heart and puts over his vision a veil?

Then who will guide him from after Allah?

Then will not you receive admonition?

 

Surah Al Jathiya, Verse 23

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Afara’eyta: Have you seen, O One who takes warning by seeing everything, at…

 

Man ittakhada: the one who takes i.e. the Al Jahid, the one not expressing and feeling gratitude, Al Jahil, the ignorant one, Al Mu’anid, stubbornly pursuing one’s own wishes, who makes…

 

Ilaaha-hu hawa-hu: his desire as his god i.e. what he desires and how he obeyed what he hopes for and becomes a servant to what he loves and what pleases him and he did not want to entrust his matters to his Lord and Master.

 

Wa: And this is only because that…

 

Addallahu Allahu: Allah lets him go astray, Al Aleem, The All Knowing, Al Hakeem, The Only Wise One, by the manifestation of His Name, Al Muzzil, The Only One who humiliates the one who deserves to be humiliated, Al Mudill, The Only One who misleads the one who deserves to be mislead, even though, He, Subhanahu, makes him exist…

 

Ala: upon the appearance of the person…

 

Ilm-in: who has knowledge and sets his origin upon the nature of the ones who have Ma’rifa, Recognition of the Divine, and Tauheed, One-ness…

 

Wa khatama ala sami’hi: and sets a seal upon his hearing so that he cannot hear the Words of Al Haqq from the people of Allah…

 

Wa khatama: and He also sealed…

 

Qalbi-hi: his heart so he cannot ponder over the Signs of Allah and the proofs of His Tauheed, One-ness…

 

Wa ja’ala ala basrihi ghishawa: And He puts a veil upon his eyes, thick, and a curtain, heavy so he cannot gain admonition from His Wondrous Creations of Subhanahu and the fantastic inventions along with that He, Subhanahu, created them even though He created him so that he could see them.

 

Fa may yahdihi: Now who will guide him and instruct him i.e. deliver him from being astray…

 

Min ba’di: after the misguidance…

 

Allah: from Allah to him and his humiliation.

 

Afala tadakkaroon: Will you then not receive warning and wisdom and discernment from the changing of his states, O Uqala, O you who use their ability to consider, Al Majboleen, set up in their origin upon the nature of receiving warning and advice from the height of their temptations and waywardness (the ones whose hearing and sight and hearts have been sealed) by the demands of the Perfection of His Authority and the absence of their being awakened and clearheadedness in the One-ness of His Essence and the Perfection of His Names and Attributes and steadfastness in His Plans and His Control.

 

The entire verse would instill fear in any heart. Was there even one amongst the ordinary that wasn’t worshipping those idols of desires?

 

The second time “disease” appeared in the context of the heart, it was revealed that the Quran was the healing for it.

 

What was the disease? Possibilities!

 

وَنُنَزِّلُ مِنَ ٱلۡقُرۡءَانِ مَا هُوَ شِفَاۤءࣱ وَرَحۡمَةࣱ لِّلۡمُؤۡمِنِینَ وَلَا یَزِیدُ ٱلظَّـٰلِمِینَ إِلَّا خَسَارࣰا

 

And We reveal from the Quran that it is a healing and a mercy for the believers, but it increases the wrongdoers in nothing except loss.

Surah Al Isra’, Verse 82

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

And when you, O Beloved (salutations and greetings upon you and your blessed family by Your Lord who created you for Appearance of His Essence), have become steadfast and have complete command on the Maqam e Mahmood, the Station of Praise and the glorious station of intercession - and when you are triumphant with the Hauz ul Maurood, the spring to which all will come…

 

Wa nunazzilu: and We descend upon you, exalting your honour and aiding your matters (of spreading the Messenge)…

Min al Quran: through the Quran (which you convey), clear, clarifying your elevated ranks from Tauheed, Allah’s One-ness…

 

Ma huwa shifa’un: which is a healing for

1.the disease of the hearts poisoned with possibilities in the narrowness of existence (worldly)

 

2.and (it is a healing) for those who are faced with the limitations of colours (Judaism, Christianity, etc) for the ones granted the ability of the honour of your following…

 

Wa rahmatun: and (it is) a mercy descending…

 

Lil Momi’neen: for the believers who bear witness to your religion and your Book so that they seek instruction and unveil what is in it of symbols and signs according to their capability and capacity, so that they can reflect or be alerted by what is in it of secrets that relate to the walking upon the Path of Tauheed, One-ness.

 

Temptation and seductions of the nafs made the qalb and ruh weak. Those temptations arose from the base self caving to and obsessing over imkaan, possibilities. The nafs thought it could rule both of them. No wonder when they called, it turned away in stubborn arrogance, persistent, insistent upon having its own way. It felt it was in no need of them. In any situation and any circumstance, easy or difficult.

  

The Nature of Blessings and Trials

 

Said Nabi Kareem (endless salutations and greetings of Allah upon him and his family who mirror him in perfection):

“Fixed will be the scales on the Day of Judgement for the people of Sala’t, those who established their prayers and Sadaqa, those who gave charity beyond what is obligated and Hajj, the ones who performed the pilgrimage and they will be given their reward for it.

But there will be no scales for the Ahl al Bala, the people who faced afflictions.

Instead poured upon them will be rewards.

Until they will intensely desire, the Ahl al Afiyat, the people who lived life without suffering in this world, wishing that their bodies had been cut with scissors in the world, after they see what the people who faced afflictions will be taking as their rewards.”

 

I had been translating a series of verses about blessings and trials with Qari Sahib to understand them. They appeared again and again in various forms in the Quran. I wanted to know what reaction was expected to them. What both were in their nature. What was the reaction of the nafs to them?

 

One of the verses that became unforgettable was about the fact that blessings were in fact also a trial. I couldn’t get over it. How could the good stuff that brought happiness also be an ibtila – something that causes distress?

 

فَإِذَا مَسَّ ٱلۡإِنسَـٰنَ ضُرࣱّ دَعَانَا ثُمَّ إِذَا خَوَّلۡنَـٰهُ نِعۡمَةࣰ مِّنَّا قَالَ إِنَّمَاۤ أُوتِیتُهُۥ عَلَىٰ عِلۡمِۭۚ

بَلۡ هِیَ فِتۡنَةࣱ وَلَـٰكِنَّ أَكۡثَرَهُمۡ لَا یَعۡلَمُونَ

 

So when touches man adversity, he calls upon Us, then when We bestow on him a favor from Us, he says, “I have been given it, this boon, because of my own knowledge.”

Nay, it is a trial, but most of them do not know.

Surah Zumar, Verse 49

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Then pointed Subhanahu towards the instability of Man and the absence of steadfastness upon the intention (being) sincere towards his Lord so He said:

 

Fa ida massa al insaana durrun: so when touches Man harm from Us, painful, unpleasant, then focusing and expressing attachment towards Us…

 

Da’aana: he invokes Us and wants Us to remove from him the harm, upon the way of pleading and suggesting…

 

Summa: then after We lifted from Him his harm…

 

Ida khawwalnahu: when We bestowed him i.e. We granted him and alleviated it…

 

Ni’ma-tan: with a blessing bountiful…

 

Minna: from Us in honour, to test how he is grateful upon the pushing back of the harm and the receiving of the blessing after the removal of the harm…

 

Qala: he said in that moment, upon the way of kufran, ingratitude…

 

Innama uteetahu: I have only been given it (the blessing) from the blessings…

 

Ala ilm-in: due to certain knowledge which I have so I am able to earn the blessing (from other blessings) and collect it and gain from it and take it.

 

Or the other meaning: Whatever I was given and whatever I was bestowed, it is because of my knowledge which I gathered and sought. The knowledge has not come from where I might think it has come (i.e. Allah).

 

This is what he says from what takes him to his delusions upon ingratitude and transgression, although it is proved that his blessings are not in itself blessings…

 

Bal hiya fitna: instead this is a suffering, a trial from Us for him, a test to find out, is he grateful or ungrateful?

 

Wa lakinna aksarahum la ya’maloon: But most of them do not know and do not understand the nature of the trial from Us and it is Our test so that is why they drown in the sea of ungratefulness and transgression.

 

The punishment of that ingratitude was that the blessing became seized.

 

Al Fath Ar Rabbani

 

إذا كتمتم نعم الله عز وجل و لم تشكروه عليها سلبها منكم

عن النبي صلى الله تعالى عليه وسلم أنه قال :

إذا أنعم الله عز وجل على عبده نعمة أحب أن يرى عليه

 

If you hide the blessings from Allah Azzo Jal and did not express gratitude for it, He will seize it from you.

 

As the Prophet of Allah (salutations and greetings upon him and his family reverberate in the Universe in permanence) said certainly: “When Allah Azzo Jal bestows a blessing upon a servant, He loves that He sees its effect of it upon the person.

 

The seizing did not mean it was literally taken away. That too happened sometimes. What was certain was that the joy, which should have been its natural consequence, one became robbed of it. The rich became misers. That was what was in public display the most. Then eventually the riches also began to decline. Not enough to matter to the 30 next generations but by then the miserliness had also entered the nature of the offspring waiting to be compounded. The curse was inherited.

 

Even worse, another verse revealed why in Lahore every single person of any means, even if it wasn’t much, would incessantly talk about money. If the recipient of the blessing was not acknowledging of The Bestower of it, then the earning of that livelihood would become miserable. All they would do is talk about one thing; that miserable livelihood!

 

وَمَنۡ أَعۡرَضَ عَن ذِكۡرِی فَإِنَّ لَهُۥ مَعِیشَةࣰ ضَنكࣰا وَنَحۡشُرُهُۥ یَوۡمَ ٱلۡقِیَـٰمَةِ أَعۡمَىٰ

 

And whoever turns away from My remembrance, then indeed, for him (is) a life miserable and We will gather him (on the) Day (of) the Resurrection blind."

Surah Taha, Verse 124

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa man a’rada an dikri: And the one who turns away from My Remembrance i.e. My Book which continues to be recited by the tongues of Our Messengers, the Guides (who prevent) from being astray…

 

Fa inna lahu: so indeed it is ordained for him and it is true (for him) as long as he in the abode of this world…

 

Ma’eesha-tan danka: a livelihood miserable, narrow, making his qalb, heart, tight to the extent that there will no longer be in it anything, except the pondering of the matter of livelihood.

 

Wa: And when he dies…

 

Nahshuru yauma al Qiyama: and We shall raise him on the Day of Judgement, the Great Day…

 

A’maa: blind as well i.e. his turning away from Allah Al Haqq in the world will be in the form of being blind in the Hereafter.

I had seen how when life was spinning out of control, especially when disease descended, people whose necks didn’t bend because of their assuredness that they were right in thinking what they thought, were crouching in prostrations, begging for relief.

 

When the affliction was lifted because of their utterances of words from the Quran and sudden bouts of charity, they acted like they had saved themselves. Hearts were hard again, stubborn, arrogant, proud. Everything was forgotten as if it never was.

 

وَإِذَا مَسَّ ٱلۡإِنسَـٰنَ ٱلضُّرُّ دَعَانَا لِجَنۢبِهِۦۤ أَوۡ قَاعِدًا أَوۡ قَاۤىِٕمࣰا فَلَمَّا كَشَفۡنَا عَنۡهُ ضُرَّهُۥ مَرَّ كَأَن لَّمۡ یَدۡعُنَاۤ إِلَىٰ ضُرࣲّ مَّسَّهُۥۚ كَذَٰلِكَ زُیِّنَ لِلۡمُسۡرِفِینَ مَا كَانُوا۟ یَعۡمَلُونَ

 

And when touches the man the affliction he calls Us, (lying) on his side or sitting or standing.

But when We remove from him his affliction, he passes on as if he (had) not called Us for (the) affliction (that) touched him.

Thus (it) is made fair seeming to the transgressors what they used (to) do.

Surah Yunus, Verse 12

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa: And from the intensity of their wandering in blindness and oppression…

 

Ida massa: when touches him and comes his way…

 

Al insaana ad-durru: harm towards the human being i.e. what harms him from painful disease and matters creating heartbreak and shock…

 

Da’ana: he invokes Us complaining to Us, suffering about his complaint before Us, pleading…

 

Lijanbihi: on his side, if he does not have the energy to do anything else…

 

Au qaidan au qayiman: or sitting or standing, beseeching, crying, asking for relief…

 

Falamma kashafna anhu durra-hu: so when We removed from him his affliction and made his wish come true, he began to abstain from Us and from Our Commands and he never inclined towards Us at all and he walked from the intensity of his blindness and his ghaflat, forgetfulness..

 

Marra ka-allam ya’d-u’na ila: passing like he never prayed before Us for relief…

 

Durrim massa-hu kadalika: from harm that touched him. This is how i.e. like you heard…

 

Zuyyina: it is beautified i.e. it is made beloved to them and pleasing…

 

Lil Musrifeena: for the transgressors, Al Munhamakeena, the ones drowning in temptation and refusal to be guided…

 

Ma kanu ya’maloon: (it is beautified for them) what they did in wrong deeds in opposition to the Command of Allah and arguing with His Rasool (salutations and greetings upon him and his family) and the Mo’mineen, the believers who obedient to his blessed person and insistence upon that which comes from them from arrogance and stubborn-ness.

 

But afflictions return again and again. That is the nature of life itself. It was all a test:

 

Az Zumar, Verse 49:

 

Minna: from Us in honour, to test how he is grateful upon the pushing back of the harm and the receiving of the blessing after the removal of the harm…

…

Wa lakinna aksarahum la ya’maloon: But most of them do not know and do not understand the nature of the trial from Us and it is Our test so that is why they drown in the sea of ungratefulness and transgression.

 

There was one category of people that I had always seen pass those tests with flying colours. The poor! It was they who had taught me that every gesture, be it of worship or charity had to be accepted. On every pilgrimage, while doing any act of benefit to another, I heard only from them the words; “May Allah accept your visit, your deed, your intention.” You!

 

I took those words for granted my whole life. I assumed everything good I did, all my acts were accepted. It didn’t occur to me that their acceptance was entirely out of my control. In the world, it was always the poor who always taught me the secrets of humility because they practiced it without striving. Their nafs was in alignment with their qalb and batin. As always their prayer for me was better than any other prayer of the ordinary. It could make me of the Maqboleen, the exalted category of “the accepted!”

 

And it was the poor who were the ones with little to nothing when it came to amwaal, possessions. They were the only ones who placed their trust in Allah Al Muttawakkal, The Only One to entrust matters, all of them, all of the time. They didn’t waiver between states. Grateful one moment, ungrateful the other. Reliant one moment, independent the next.

 

Remembering Him one second, forgetting He existed the next.

 

One person who played that out in front of me in particular was Shaan.

  

Shaan

 

إِنَّهُۥ لَيْسَ لَهُۥ سُلْطَـٰنٌ عَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَلَىٰ رَبِّهِمْ يَتَوَكَّلُونَ

 

Indeed, there is for him (Iblis) no authority over those who have believed and rely upon their Lord.

Surah An-Nahl, Verse 99

 

Tafseer e Jilani:

 

Inna hu laysa hu sultan an: Indeed he, Iblis, has no ability to capture and overcome…

 

A’la lladina a’mino: the ones who believe in the One-ness of Allah and have certainty in the truthfulness of Allah’s Books and His Messengers and the Day promised and that which will be given in reward that Day.

 

Wa; And along with this

 

Al’a Rabbi-him: they rely on their Lord and no one else from the sources and means of day to day life and…

 

Yatawakkaluna: they surrender and they entrust all their matters to Him for sure.

 

Shan was the woman I had found in the park in the spring of 2021. The one who identified as male and who I thought was one until the one of the guards told me he was not. In a span reaching two years, I had moved him around 6 residences, including my own. None of them had worked in terms of settling him down.

 

The one that had been the most calming for him was Pathani’s. She was someone from my village who had worked for me for two decades plus and then retired. But she couldn’t keep him forever. He required supervision. Not 24/7 but enough that it would impede her lifestyle.

 

Pathani was the one who had been at my place visiting when Shaan was kicked out of home number 5. Which, incidentally, was also home number 1 and 3. It had been a God-send. I had gotten a call from the person whose house it was and she told me Shaan had to leave within the hour. That I was taken aback was putting it mildly.

 

“I can’t move him in an hour,” I said in shock. “Give me a few days and I will do it.”

 

I didn’t ask any questions as to why or what brought on the sudden decision. I did know that about two weeks earlier, Shaan had kicked a door down. When I had asked him the reason he said that one of the carpenters on the premises had called him Janoo. A term of endearment certainly inappropriate. It had triggered him and he had demolished the door.

 

I had reprimanded him saying that was still no justification to damage the property of someone who had extended the courtesy of allowing him to live there. I think the Autism prevented pretty much all my words from sinking in. I had called the owner then, while he sat in front of me, so he could apologize but she hadn’t picked up. Now she was calling to say he was out.

 

A few minutes later she called back. Her tone had become aggressive.

 

“I cannot wait a few days. I need him out now. It’s your problem, figure it out.”

 

I tried to plead my case gently. That within the hour was not a realistic possibility but when she didn’t listen I lost my temper and ended the conversation with one line.

 

“I will have him out by tomorrow morning. Do not call me back again to say it has to be today.”

 

Pathani came to my room a few minutes later and saw me in a state of distress. She looked at me with concern. She was the only one in the world who took on my problems as hers in the moment they appeared. There’s something to be said about the staff from the village. Their loyalty is deeper than I have experienced in any worldly relationship otherwise; blood, romance, friendship, you name it.

 

When people would say to me why I helped her build a house not once, but twice because she remarried and left the first house to her daughter, I would reply, “If I could I would make her 8 houses.” She was the only one who, when she worked in my house and my brother and I were in our 20s with parties happening every other weekend because we lived alone, I would not let her come up while my friends smoked and drank and danced.

 

I didn’t want her to see them like that, much less me. It was nice, that feeling of haya, modesty, that appeared in the absence of parents who had been the others who invoked it. For my generation at least. The famed X-ers!

 

I told her what had happened. Just then an idea came to my head.

 

“Pathani,” I said hopefully, “Can’t you take Shaan with you to Radhan?”

 

She didn’t answer me for a moment clearly surprised by my request.

 

When she didn’t respond, I moved on to asking why. “Is it because of the boy-girl thing? You’re worried what people will say?”

 

She made me laugh with her answer which is best translated without cursing as, “I could give two hoots about what people think.”

 

“Then…” I said, letting my words linger. “Can’t you take him while I figure out what to do? Just for a couple of weeks?”

 

She told me she would discuss it with her husband and went downstairs. A few minutes later, she agreed. It was supposed to have been three weeks tops. It ended up being three months as I got the run around from others who were offering me rooms for Shaan and then not coming through.

 

I started wondering if it could be a permanent thing. Shaan loved the village. He loved staying with her at her house. And why not? She was gentle, kind, generous and sensitive. But no one keeps anyone forever. People are unable to do it for their own children.

 

Shaan had no one. Except God! That was my sole consolation throughout the months he was in my charge. If there was a matter in which I had relinquished complete control to my Lord, it was this.

 

While living in her house Shaan listened to her and did as he was told. For the most part. Once or twice he apparently flipped his charpoy over. When Pathani would help him remake the bed and ask him why, he would say it was an accident. The only thing that was an issue was when he wanted to stand at the gate. He loved people watching. He would have loved New York!

 

He used to do it at my house twice a day, morning and afternoon. He would walk to the end of the street which was busier. Then he would move his hands around in the air in waves like he was talking to the breeze. All the different kinds as mentioned in the Quran that seemed to come his way. He was the reason I looked up this verse:

 

وَهُوَ ٱلَّذِیۤ أَرۡسَلَ ٱلرِّیَـٰحَ بُشۡرَۢا بَیۡنَ یَدَیۡ رَحۡمَتِهِۦۚ

وَأَنزَلۡنَا مِنَ ٱلسَّمَاۤءِ مَاۤءࣰ طَهُورࣰا

 

And He is the One Who sends the winds (as) glad tidings (from) between the Hands of His Mercy and We send down from the sky water pure.

Surah Al Furqan, Verse 48

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa huwa alladi ar reeyaha bushran: And He is The One who sends the breezes as good news, giving glad tidings…

 

Bayna yadae Rahmatihi: before (the rains that come from) His Mercy, He gives the happy news by His descending…

 

Wa: and after Our Glad Tidings to you in the shape of breezes bringing good news…

 

Anzalna: We sent down from the Station of Our Generosity…

Mina: from…

 

As Sama’i ma’an tahooran: the skies, rain pure, utmost in purity, highest, extreme in its purpose (of purification).

 

In November Shaan finally and reluctantly returned with her to Lahore to move in the last place I would rent, furnish and set up for him. Pathani and I had gone to drop him off there and show him where everything was. I had made sure the kitchen was stocked so that he didn’t have to step out of the house at least till the next afternoon in order to buy anything. I had it organized like I would have for myself.

 

When we were leaving he suddenly said, “Won’t one person spend the night here with me?”

 

I looked at him in surprise. He was so independent, the ask floored me.

 

Seeing my surprise he explained, “Because it’s the first night.”

 

“But there’s only a single bed Shaan,” I said pointing at it. The apartment was like a studio but the kitchen was separate through a door. It was a small place, brand new. “Where would the other person sleep?”

 

I looked over at Pathani and could see the angst in her face. She understood everyone’s pain in the moment they felt it. Shaan slowly nodded then looked at me.

 

“So I might call you all night then. Will you pick up?”

 

“Of course,” I replied truthfully. “I will keep my phone on and right next to me. You can call me all night, whenever you like.”

 

Normally I would turn my phone to Silent around 9ish at home but those first few days I didn’t do that. When 12 days later the landlord called me to say Shaan would have to leave the house, it was Pathani I discussed the next options with. The expulsion was for the usual reasons but they seemed to be getting worse; rude behaviour, threatening manner. He was glaring at neighbors, even pulling out a knife and scaring them.

 

The first option that appeared was a privately run shelter for homeless women and children. The second was a center for the abandoned run by the local government. I was being told that the conditions in the latter were abominable. 200 plus people to dorm-like rooms that were likely filthy. If someone was not compliant with the orders of the staff, they could be beaten. At worst, they would be drugged and left in a state of heavy sedation. Nobody cared if they lived or died.

 

That was where Pathani drew the line.

 

“You can’t send her there,” she said with this equally intense mix of what sounded like a plea and an order. “You can’t send her somewhere people will beat her. You know she doesn’t do things like other people. They will hit her for sure. She won’t listen to them.” She didn’t even get to the other thing about the drugs and sedation. “Better than that, you should set her free.”

 

Azaad kar dein – were the words.

 

“But its cold Pathani,” I replied. “And even if I drop Shaan off on this corner or that neighborhood like he says, the situation in the city is not what it was when I found him. Someone will snatch his phone and anything of value within the hour and then what?”

 

“Still,” she would say insistent, “you can’t send her to the government facility.”

 

In truth, that was just a back-up if Shaan couldn’t settle in the private shelter but the possibility was looming before all of us.

The day before he was supposed to go there he started acting aggressively again. That was the signal, just in time that he would not be able to live there either. For the first time in two years I scrambled to find the contacts of different therapists and psychiatrists. I described the situation and whatever I could summarize about his behaviour.

 

I spoke to three renowned doctors, one of whom was my therapist. All of them said the same thing. He needed medicine and he needed to be in an institution for patients with mental health issues because the ones he was exhibiting were serious.

 

At first my heart sank at the idea of institutionalizing Shaan because such centers didn’t have the best record in terms of patient treatment. But I learnt that one such institute had recently come under the control of private donors and was excellent. When I called them I was told that the requisite for admission was an ID card and a relative. I offered both. They seemed hesitant to accept that in lieu of documentation from the patient but they made an exception. If it was ever warranted Shaan was certainly first in line in terms of deserving it.

 

I was told to send him and they would decide then what they would do. Take him or not!

 

That last night Pathani called him to see how he was feeling. I had been playing bad cop since the landlord called to say he was chucking him out. Pulling a knife on someone was a arrest-able offence. The routine had become necessary to make Shaan understand that he had to control himself. Also he needed to be told what was coming. It had killed me to be curt in my tone with him but there was no option.

 

I had even yelled at him once. That was not pretense. I had actually lost it. That was when the last landlord had called me to say he pulled a knife on the woman who lived above him. Truth be told, she had enraged him first by barging into his house, claiming that he had deliberately locked the gate while her son was out.

 

“Get it together Shaan,” I had screamed when he kept going on and on about he would take care of her. “She’s crazy I know but calm down. She made a mistake. Let it go.”

 

He had only replied in his usual child-like manner. “I’m boycotting you for two weeks also.”

 

I had just sighed.

 

After a sleepless night I went to his place the next morning to apologize. I had a spare set of keys so when he didn’t answer the phone, I decided to take my chances and drop by. The gate was open so I pushed it to enter. He must have heard me because just then I heard his front door open. As I popped my head through the gate, he popped his out the door. We both beamed at each other.

 

“Kya haal hai Shaan?” I had said. How are you?

 

“Fine Ma’am,” he had replied warmly. “Come!” He had always loved visitors.

 

I walked towards him holding my hand out as a gesture of contrition. “I came to say sorry to you. I never spoke to you like that before and I’m really sorry I did yesterday.”

 

He tried to cut me off. “No, no,” he said. “Please. I’m sorry Ma’am. I don’t know what happened to me.”

 

Shaan had checked boxes of all kinds of mental illnesses and psychosis. He was autistic. He saw people who weren’t there. He gave gibberish answers to every question that was serious. He clearly had intense trauma from assault, whether it was sexual or violent, I don’t know. His anger was out of his control entirely. He certainly couldn’t hold a job.

 

Yet he never harmed me. Ever. Emotionally or otherwise.

 

Precisely for that reason I had never been able to see the acuteness of his mental health problems and likely become an enabler. He had always been polite to me and even though he might have been manipulative at times, seeing that I would do anything for him, he didn’t really try to take advantage of me. He was never cruel. He was never greedy. He had zero attachment to money.

 

Meanwhile all the other people in my life in all kinds of roles, even though they likely had mental health issues as well and possibly faced extraordinary trauma, none of them had been homeless for a single day, much less three years. I’ve barely seen women as homeless people in the West much less Pakistan. Almost every other person I knew had taken my role in their lives, even when it was the most sincere, for granted and most of them had returned the feeling with viciousness in one form or another. Indifference being the worst!

 

It used to make me feel bad. I used to feel surprised by its recurrence knowing there was a lesson somewhere that was eluding me. I was about to learn that lesson which was going to the most essential in my spiritual journey. A journey that had in fact become stunted and I didn’t even know it. Writing pages upon pages and translating verse after verse. I wasn’t even aware that all that gathering of knowledge had yielded nothing.

 

“I will go to the hospital tomorrow,” Shaan said to Pathani when she called to ask him how he was feeling. “If they don’t take me, then I will go the neighborhood where I grew up and try to find a place there. Whatever is in my taqdeer,” he had said the word to her, Fate decreed! “I don’t know what is written but whatever it is, I will accept it.”

 

In that state of undeniable anxiousness of the entirely unknown, he was in a state of absolute surrender. There was not even a hint of any ae’taraz.

 

Shaan was the Mo’min I wanted to be!

 

قُل لَّن یُصِیبَنَاۤ إِلَّا مَا كَتَبَ ٱللَّهُ لَنَا هُوَ مَوۡلَىٰنَاۚ وَعَلَى ٱللَّهِ فَلۡیَتَوَكَّلِ ٱلۡمُؤۡمِنُونَ

 

Say, "Never will befall us except what has decreed Allah for us, He (is) our Protector."

And on Allah the believers put (their) trust.

 

Surah At Taubah, Verse 51

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Qul: Say, O Akmal ar Rusul, O Messenger who perfects the Messenger-hood (Allah sends greetings and salutations upon you and your exalted family), (say) to those who find their pleasure in, God forbid, mocking you, who are hypocrites, (say to them) according to your unveiling and your witnessing…

 

Layyuseebana: no adversity will ever come to us from traumas…

 

Illa ma kataballah: except that which Allah has written, Al Muqaddir, The One who has the power to destine death and sustenance and all other deeds and states and all the continuous occurring in the Realm of the Unseen as well as the Realm of the Witnessing, i.e. the world…

 

Lana: for us and Allah chose for us from His Ever Present Knowledge because…

 

Huwa: He Himself is…

 

Maulana: alone our Protector and Controller of all our matters that He does to us, according to what He has confirmed in His Ever present Knowledge, without exchange and without amendment.

 

Wa: And there is no option for us except Raza, being pleased with that which happened to us and that which is happening and will happen from what He has fated for us so that’s…

 

Alallahi: in Allah Subhanahu and no one else except Him in all causes and means because everything is returning towards Him, just as their origin initially itself is also from Him…

 

Falyatawakkalil Mo’minoon: so the believers should place their trust in Allah’s One-ness and the extension of the Secrets of His One-ness upon the sheets of all His Creation.

 

Shaan played it out perfectly: “There is no option for the believer except to be pleased with that which happened, is happening, will happen.”

 

I had never seen Shaan pray. I had never seen him do any tasbeeh. But his consciousness of Subhanahu was acute because he was in a state of eternal gratitude. I saw that gratitude in reference to my own person to such an extent, I could only imagine what it was for The Divine. It was why he was never forgotten by Him.

 

‏فَٱذْكُرُونِىٓ أَذْكُرْكُمْ وَٱشْكُرُوا۟ لِى وَلَا تَكْفُرُونِ ‎

 

So remember Me, I will remember you

and be grateful to Me and do not be ungrateful to Me.

Surah Al Baqarah, Verse 152

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

And when We have bestowed upon you the greatest blessings, (كَمَاۤ أَرۡسَلۡنَا فِیكُمۡ رَسُولࣰا مِّنكُمۡ یَتۡلُوا۟ عَلَیۡكُمۡ ءَایَـٰتِنَا وَیُزَكِّیكُمۡ وَیُعَلِّمُكُمُ ٱلۡكِتَـٰبَ وَٱلۡحِكۡمَةَ وَیُعَلِّمُكُم مَّا لَمۡ تَكُونُوا۟ تَعۡلَمُونَ , as We sent among you a Messenger from you (who) recites to you Our verses and purifies you and teaches you the Book and the wisdom and teaches you what not you were knowing - Al Baqarah, Verse 151, through the person of Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him and his family)) and perfected them for you…

 

Fadkuruni: so Remember Me, O Mo’mineen, Believers, with an

everlasting inclination and a truthful turning towards Me…

 

Adkurkum: I will remember you by giving you a life full of mercy and the breezes of spirituality (nourshing the soul)…

 

Washkuru li: and be grateful to Me referring all your blessings towards Me…

 

Wa la takfiroon: and don’t be ungrateful to Me by referring these blessings to (other) causes and means.

 

My friend Saneeah, who was my go-to person for advice when it came to him, had remarked once. “I am amazed that every single time you call me with some incident of how things have completely blown up with Shaan, within hours another avenue appears for him.”

 

The next day he went to the facility. They admitted him. Pathani and I finally slept. Allah Subhanahu was kind to him just like He had always been especially kind to me. Despite that I had been the worst of transgressors, the Musrifeen, for I was certainly of those who, for the life of me, with all that intense reflection, did not know when someone in the world was good for me and when they were not.

 

وَهُوَ كُرۡهࣱ لَّكُمۡۖ

وَعَسَىٰۤ أَن تَكۡرَهُوا۟ شَیۡءࣰا وَهُوَ خَیۡرࣱ لَّكُمۡۖ

وَعَسَىٰۤ أَن تُحِبُّوا۟ شَیۡءࣰا وَهُوَ شَرࣱّ لَّكُمۡۗ

وَٱللَّهُ یَعۡلَمُ وَأَنتُمۡ لَا تَعۡلَمُونَ

 

But perhaps that you dislike a thing and it is good for you

and perhaps that you love a thing and it is bad for you.

And Allah knows while you (do) not know.

Surah Al Baqarah, Verse 216

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa huwa kurhun: And it is hateful to you, disliked, abrasive…

 

Lakum: for you as long as this is in your selfishness and your identity and as long as you are in it with the increase and compulsions of possibilities…

 

Wa asa an takrahu shayan: perhaps that you dislike a thing in this world…

 

Wa huwa khairullakum: and it is good for you in the Hereafter…

 

Wa asa an tuhibbu shayan: and perhaps that you like something in this world…

 

Wa huwa sharralakum: and it is bad for you in the Hereafter.

 

Wallahu: And Allah is Al Hadi, The Only Guide, for you towards the same way…

 

Ya’lamu: He knows your goodness and your badness in it and the association of others with Him and He takes care of you from it…

 

Wa antum: and you all by your personality…

 

La talamoon: do not know a thing from goodness and badness but instead for you is obedience and following according to what is commanded and what is forbidden and all knowledge is with Allah Al Aziz, The Dominant, Al Aleem, The All Knowing.

 

Again imkaan: “The increase and compulsion of possibilities…”

 

Continued on: www.flickr.com/photos/42093313@N00/52652408863/in/datepos...

"Crashing down

From way too high

No more tears left to cry

I thought we're born to share this life

Another victim of your lies

 

It's here and now, the moment of truth

No more lies, no angel misguide

No angel misguide..

Touch so cold, it broke my heart

I am just another victim of your lie

Victim of your lie..

 

I'm losing my mind

Losing my will to live

My strength to carry on

How I lust, for this love

It's gone"

 

(Reflexion)

Didier GOAS - Photographie pour Flickr

Questa è la 24° foto e appartiene al progetto 52 weeks - 3° sett giugno

 

www.youtube.com/watch?v=niIIwVStGok

 

Keeper Of The Seven Keys

 

Make the people

hold each other's hands

and fill their hearts with truth

you made up your mind

so do as divined

 

Put on your armour

ragged after fights

hold up your sword

you're leaving the light

make yourself ready

for the lords of the dark

they'll watch your way

so be cautious, quiet and hark

 

You hear them whispering

in the crowns of the trees

you're whirling 'round

but your eyes don't agree

will 'o' the wisps

misguiding your path

you can't throw a curse

without takin' their wrath

[Bridge:]

Watch out for the seas of hatred and sin

or all us people forget what we've been

our only hope's your victory

kill that satan who won't let us be--kill!

[Chorus:]

You're the keeper of the seven keys

that lock up the seven seas

and the seer of visions sais before he went blind

hide them from demons and rescue mankind

or the world we're all in will soon be sold

to the thone of the evil payed with Lucifer's gold

 

You can feel cold sweat

running down your neck

and the dwarfs of falseness

throw mud at your back

 

Guided by spells

of the old seer's hand

you're suffering pain

only steel can stand

[Bridge:]

Stay well on your way and follow the sign

fulfull your own promise and do what's divined

the seven seas are far away

placed in the valley of dust heat and sway

[Chorus:]

You're the keeper of the seven keys

that lock up the seven seas

and the seer of visions said before he went blind

hide them from demons and rescue mankind

or the world we're all in will soon be sold

to the throne of the evil payed with Lucifer's gold

Throw the first key into the sea of hate

 

[Solo: Mike/Kai]

throw the second key into the sea of fear

throw the third key into the sea of senselessness

and make the people hold each other's hands

the fourth key belongs into the sea of greed

and the fifth into the sea of ignorance

Disease, disease, disease my friend

for this whole world's in devil's hand

Disease, disease, disease my friend

throw the key or you may die

 

[Solo: Kai/Mike/Kai/Mike]

On a mound at the shore of the last sea

he is sitting, fixing your sight

with his high iron voice causing sickness

he is playing you out with delight

man who do you just think you are?

a silly bum with seven stars

don't throw the key or you will see

dimensions cruel as they can be

don't let him suck off your power

throw the key. . .!

 

[Solo: both/Kai/Mike/Kai/Mike]

An earthquake, squirting fire, bursting ground

Satan's screaming, and earth swallowing him away!

[Chorus:]

You're the keeper of the seven keys

you locked up the seven seas

and the seer of visions can now rest in peace

there ain't no more demons and no more disease

and, mankind, live up, you're free again

yes the tyrant is dead, he is gone, overthrown

you have given our souls back to light (Helloween)

 

Tutorial sphere: francesco-photoshoppista.blogspot.com/2009/07/come-creare...

Tutorial lightning: www.youtube.com/watch?v=30k4IOkiRQU

Background: picses.eu/keyword/enormi/

 

12/365 Photo Manipulations Project

Continued from: www.flickr.com/photos/42093313@N00/52649997760/in/datepos...

 

The Seed of Tauba

 

أسْتَغْفِرُ اللهَ رَبي مِنْ كُلِ ذَنبٍ

وَأتُوبُ إلَيهِ

 

I ask forgiveness of my sins from Allah who is my Lord

and I turn towards Him.

 

توبوا من ذنوبكم و سوء أدبكم

هذه التوبة غرسي في أرض قلوبكم بناء أبنيه عندكم،

أنقض بناء الشيطان

و أبن بناء الرحمن

و ألحقكم بمولاكم و ربكم عزوجل

 

“Repent for your misdeeds and your inappropriate regard!

This repentance is my seed in the soil of your hearts

so that I will make the foundation of a building for you.

I will demolish the building of Shaitaan

and make a building of Allah Ar Rahman

and I will make you rejoin with your Maula and Rabb, your Master

and your Lord, Exalted is His Majesty.”

Ghaus Pak (ra)

 

Ahmed Javaid Sahib had said that identifying flaws and shortcoming of character and behaviour were essential. Just identify them, he had said. I realized why the emphasis on the exercise was heavy.

 

From that identification by the aql to make disappear ignorance of one’s own self would follow remorse. It would be inevitable. At least for the person who might reflect truthfully on how that feature of their personality had come as an obstacle between them and their Lord.

 

From that regret would be expressed tauba. The repentance would ask, insist, of forgiveness. A prayer would be uttered. A dua would save the day!

 

Only days ago I had come across one of the most powerful verses around forgiveness. Giving it was truly Allah Al Ghaffar’s Declaration of love as well as mercy. The former was for His Love (salutations and greetings upon the Mercy of the Universe by His Lord of the Universe). The latter was for his enemies. For it was offered before it was asked for!

 

First Subhanahu said He wouldn’t destroy them whilst Nabi Kareem (salutations and greetings upon Ar Rauf by Allah Ar Rauf) was amidst them even though that is what they deserved for rejecting him. A trial for them would become a trial for him. Instead then He would grant them leeway because they might seek forgiveness and so He would forgive them.

 

وَمَا كَانَ ٱللَّهُ لِیُعَذِّبَهُمۡ وَأَنتَ فِیهِمۡۚ

وَمَا كَانَ ٱللَّهُ مُعَذِّبَهُمۡ وَهُمۡ یَسۡتَغۡفِرُونَ

 

But Allah will not punish them while you (are) among them,

Allah will not punish them while they seek forgiveness.

Surah Al Anfal, Verse 33

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa ma kana Allahu li-yuaddibahum: And Allah has nothing to gain from punishing them, although they were deserving of intense punishment and an exemplary chastisement and destruction complete because of their refuting you and rejecting your Book…

 

Wa anta fi-him: whilst you are among them meaning that as long as you are among them and in their midst and in their places, then if Allah punished them, certainly it would afflict you like it would afflict them…

 

Wa: and if it became possible that We would choose you and save you in the moment of punishing them…

 

Ma kana Allahu mu’addibahum: Allah will still not punish them and will not intend to torment them and uproot them…

 

Wa hum yastaghfiroon: while they are supplicating before Him for forgiveness i.e. it is expected from them, despite their opposing imaan, faith that they might seek forgiveness in the future, unlike those nations who were destroyed before (because they would not ask for forgiveness ever).

 

It was extraordinary!

 

The Quran says that Subhanahu creates veils between Man and his heart when he is disobedient:

 

وَٱعْلَمُوٓا۟ أَنَّ ٱللَّهَ يَحُولُ بَيْنَ ٱلْمَرْءِ وَقَلْبِهِۦ

وَأَنَّهُۥٓ إِلَيْهِ تُحْشَرُونَ

 

And know that Allah comes between Man and his heart,

and that to Him you will be gathered.

Surah Al Anfal, Verse 24

 

Wa’lamo annallaha: And be certain that Allah Al Muttali’u, The Perfect Informer, who knows what is hidden in His Servants…

 

Yahoolu: diverts and creates an envelope…

 

Bayna al mar’ay: between Man, the one who has structured himself in a human skeleton, which is specific upon on the fixture of true balance…

 

Wa qalbihi: and his qalb, the Seat of Recognition within the heart, which encompasses within it Allah Al Haqq, The Truth who is Allah Al Munazza, The One Purified of all, free of being imprisoned, and Allah Al Mubri’o, The One Above Everything in being encompassed or in any limitation, (He creates between Man and his qalb) many veils.

 

So these veils and coverings always remain, hanging, between Man and his qalb, so the scent of love and closeness cannot reach him, that scent which is Al Muwaddi’, which leads towards fana, dissolution which results in baqa, everlastingness.

 

And this opening of the doors of Divine Love and Closeness is received only with ikhlas, sincerity, and tasleem, surrender and tafweed, submission and tawakkal, reliance and tabbattal, detachment and Tauheed Al Musqit, One-ness which makes drop everything extra.

 

Wa: And over all…

 

Annahu: Indeed, He…

 

Ilayhi: towards him, Subhanahu and no one else but Him, will rise the shadows in dissolution and will rise the invalid tangibles…

 

Tuhsharoon: gathered, returned like shadows return to the Creator of Shadows.

 

That was my favourite image of myself, being a shadow returning to the Creator of Shadows.

 

Each choice was like a road that had a fork in it. Even when it overtly seemed like there was no option. One path was always of obedience to the nafs and Shaitaan, the other to hear and answer the call of the one sent to teach as the guide, the warner, the witness, the bringer of glad tidings, the sun lit; Nabi Kareem, who Ghaus Pak (ra) calls Al Mazhar Al Ilahaya Az Zaati, the appearance of the Essence of The Divine.

 

He, who was Allah’s Jamaal, Beauty (Allah Al Jameel pours his greetings and salutations upon him and his family) was the only one for whom Subhanahu deliberately uses a verb (singular when the dual exists in Arabic) in the Quran so as to render them one and not two when it came to the invitation towards His Tauheed, His One-ness.

 

“Because the calling of the Rasool (peace be upon him and his family) is in fact the calling of Allah Al Haqq…”

 

‏يَٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ ٱسْتَجِيبُوا۟ لِلَّهِ وَلِلرَّسُولِ إِذَا دَعَاكُمْ لِمَا يُحْيِيكُمْ ‎

 

O you who believe!

Respond to Allah and His Messenger when he calls you to what gives you life.

Surah Al Anfal, Verse 24

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Then said Allah Subhanahu, as a call to the believers, as a reminder for them and as a teaching:

 

Ya ayyohalladina aamino: O ye who attained to faith, it is the requirement of your imaan, faith, to answer the Call of Allah and answer the call of His Rasool (peace be upon him and his family)…

 

Istajeebo lillahe: respond to Him, be obedient to what is His Command and His Order and stay away from what He forbids…

 

Wa lir-Rasool: and His Rasool (peace be upon him and his family) adopt his sunnat, practice, and his adaab, manners and his ikhlaq, etiquette.

 

Ida da’akum: When he calls you, any one of them, because the calling of the Rasool (peace be upon him and his family) is in fact the calling of Allah Al Haqq…

 

Lima yuhhyeekum: because he gives you life-giving messages from the Al Aloom Ad Dineeya, knowledges of religion and Al Ma’aaraf Al Haqeeqa, the recognitions of the realities, bearing fruits of Mukashafaat, unveilings and Mushahidaat, witnessings which had become faded for the people who were on the right path and the ones on the wrong path, both (i.e. forgotten by them both and unclear for them).

 

Nabi Kareem (salutations and greetings upon him and his family by their Lord God) was the reminder for all in the Universe. Those on the right path and those on the wrong. For both would forget again and again.

 

Ghaus Pak (ra) saying was the reason Rajab came into my focus last year. A 90 day cycle was unheard of in spirituality. 900 years of striving couldn’t ensure a result!

 

رجب شھر الزرع و شعبان شھر السقی و رمضان شھر الحصاد

و کل یحصد ما زرع و یجزی ما صنع

و من ضیع الزراعۃ ندم یوم حصادہ و احلف ظنہ مع سوء معادہ

 

Rajab is the month for sowing seeds, Sha’ban is the month for watering, and Ramadan is the month for reaping.

And all reap what they sow and will be rewarded for what they did.

And the one who wasted the (season of) planting regretted it on the day of harvest

and found it to be against what he thought would be the result.

 

Then the seeds had been about increased, never before performed, extra rituals of worship, nawafil. They were offered from the mind though, not the essence of my being, even though the intention to do them came out of a love for the Imam (as) in my heart.

 

This time I longed for my acts to be only be about adab and akhlaq, regard and manners, behaviour, character and morality.

 

Whether they were inspired by the most honoured Ahl e Bait, the family of Nabi Kareem (salutations and greetings upon them by Subhanahu), his companions or his followers who became the Friends of Allah. For there was only one standard that was in replication anyway.

 

“Glory be to Allah, whose praise should precede every writing and every speech!

 

May the blessings of Allah rest upon Muhammad, His Prophet and His Apostle, and on his family and companions, by whose guidance error is escaped!”

 

Imam Al Ghazali (ra)

 

At first I wanted my seeds to come from what I had heard were the foundational traits of Nabi Pak (salutations and greetings upon his perfection of manner by his Lord who raised him and his family such):

 

Haya – modesty.

Sakha – generosity.

Murrawwat – affection.

Tawadda’a – humility.

 

All took their root in sincerity. That sincerity of obedience and surrender was expressed in perfection by one.

 

‏قُلْ إِنِّىٓ أُمِرْتُ أَنْ أَعْبُدَ ٱللَّهَ مُخْلِصًۭا لَّهُ ٱلدِّينَ ‎

 

Say, "Indeed, I, I am commanded that I worship Allah,

being sincere to Him in the religion.

 

Surah Az Zumar, Verse 11

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Then said Subhanahu, Exalted is He, commanding His Habeeb (salutations and greetings be upon him and his family by His Lord and His Angels) in order to guide him and to convey to His (other) ordinary worshippers, a thing He said that is specified for wisdom, a wisdom empty of the desires of the nafs of showing-off (of the self), only and only for wishing well and perfection (for others);

 

Qul: Say O Messenger who completes Messenger-hood (peace be upon you)…

 

Inni umirtu: Indeed I have been ordered from My Lord…

 

An a’buda Allaha: that I worship Allah as is His Right to be worshipped and be obedient to Him as His Right to be obeyed…

 

Mukhlisal lahu deen: bringing sincerity into the religion and offering surrender from myself in such a way that I make both, my obedience with sincerity and my surrender with sincerity, the means of reaching Him.

 

So that I gain recognition of Him as is His Right to be recognized and He pours upon my heart the purified waters of His Tauheed, One-ness and His Karamat, His Honour.

Waters from seas sweet!

 

But then Ghaus Pak (ra) told me what the seed should be. It was a seed of tauba.

 

“Repent for your misdeeds and your inappropriate regard!

This repentance is my seed in the soil of your hearts

so that I will make the foundation of a building for you.

I will demolish the building of Shaitaan

and make a building of Allah Ar Rahman

and I will make you rejoin with your Maula and Rabb, your Master

and your Lord, Exalted is His Majesty.”

 

If I chose repentance, then the seed wouldn’t even be mine. He had promised that he would become the seed. In the soil of my own heart. Shaitaan would lose influence over me as just he did over Amir Muawia (ratu). My remorse, my regret at all times would protect me from him.

 

The watering of that seed happens in Shabaan. It is the month that Nabi Kareem (salutations and greetings upon his mercy upon us and his family’s) calls his own. So I thought that perhaps he, himself, would be the water that is poured on that seed.

 

Like rain that Subhanahu describes thus:

 

Anzalna: We sent down from the Station of Our Generosity…

Mina: from…

 

As Sama’i ma’an tahooran: the skies, rain pure, utmost in purity, highest, extreme in its purpose (of purification).

 

The month of Ramadan, Subhanahu calls His Own. Fasting is for Him. It is the only ritual for which He makes Himself the reward. Could it be His Qurb?

 

It was making sense why Ghaus Pak (ra) only mentioned one seed and no other. In my spiritual journey that I write about incessantly, one thing had made crystal clear these past months. The relationship between possibilities and shirrk, the intertwining of taqwa and tauba.

 

What had been in my control all along, in all of my decisions, was the exercising of the don’ts. I did things because I didn’t want to do them anymore. I didn’t want to do them because I started to care about the consequences, the most imperative of which became Subhanahu’s Displeasure, His Ghadab. That only came because when the first time I was terrified of my Master’s displeasure. Before that I was unaware of the gravity of my actions careless about their consequences, forgetting both. I was ghafil.

 

The connection between taqwa and tauba, then I learnt, is that one lies within the other. From the refrain follows naturally the repentance for not doing it earlier. It comes because the forgiveness of Subhanahu is a “breeze of good news and glad tidings and spirituality.”

 

The Chosen Ones, the Extraordinary, they live in a state of tauba from the start. It in kneaded in their essence.

 

Ghaus Pak: “The one who was loved by Allah from the beginning, He makes them pure in the world from that which might distract him even for a single moment from His Being.”

 

The ordinary reach it by way of mindfulness.

 

قُلۡ یَـٰعِبَادِ ٱلَّذِینَ ءَامَنُوا۟ ٱتَّقُوا۟ رَبَّكُمۡۚ

 

Say, "O My Servants those who attained to faith!

Be mindful of your Lord.”

Surah Az Zumar, Verse 10

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Qul: Say, Ya Akmal Ar Rusul (Allah sends blessings and salutations upon you since the beginning of Creation till the end), O Messenger who completes the Messenger-hood, give this message on Our Behalf, calling out to the selected sincere amongst my Servants…

 

Ya ibadi: O My Worshippers, by attaching them with His Essence making them special and honouring them…

 

Alladina aamano: those who attained to faith from amongst you in the One-ness of My Essence and My Appearance according to My Affairs and My Ever changing-ness in accordance with My Names and Attributes, the requirement of your faith is taqwa, mindfulness from the demands of your desires…

 

Ittaqu Rabbukum: be conscious of your Lord and stay away from what is forbidden by Him and what He has ordered prevented for you and characterize yourself with His Commands and know that He…

 

Stay away…from the forbidden, the prevented. It was a don’t!

It made me remember the beginning of the Quran. The second line of Al Baqarah. It said in total clarity; the Book was only a guidance for the one who was Muttaqi, who were conscious of being seen by Him at all times and therefore exercised restraint.

 

Since the verses in the Quran appear in the order of importance, in terms of a ranking it seemed to be; seeking refuge from Shaitaan, then praise of Subhanahu, the expression of gratitude, a supplication (all in Surah Fateha) and then taqwa, being in a constant state of mindfulness of Him. The start of Al Baqarah.

 

ذَٰلِكَ ٱلۡكِتَـٰبُ لَا رَیۡبَۛ فِیهِۛ هُدࣰى لِّلۡمُتَّقِینَ

 

That (is) the book, there is no doubt in it, it is a guidance for the ones conscious of Allah.

Surah Al Baqarah, Verse 2

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Dalika al Kitab-u: That is the Book لَّا یَأۡتِیهِ ٱلۡبَـٰطِلُ مِنۢ بَیۡنِ یَدَیۡهِ وَلَا مِنۡ خَلۡفِهِۦۖ falsehood cannot approach it (the Quran) from before or from behind. The levels of its exaltedness are far from comprehension. It is the gatherer of the ranks of the Exalted Names and Attributes in the Realms of the Unseen and Seen. It is gradually revealed upon your qalb, O Akmal Ar Rusul, O Messenger who completes the Messenger-hood (salutations and greetings upon you and your family by your Lord), compiling in totality the order of the creation of the Universe from the beginning till the end, such that there is no inconsistency in it at all…

 

La raiba fihi: (such that) there is no possibility of doubt in it because, indeed, it is revealed from Us, its words and its meanings.

 

Words: Ghaus Pak (ra) means that they make helpless the most prominent of the orators and the most famous of the well-spoken from competing with the shortest verse of it, even though their claims were boastful.

 

Where as the meaning, it is inclusive of the totality of all the states of realities seen and secrets unseen, which were and which will be in both the worlds, this and the next and it is not possible to know it (that totality) and describe what all is in it, in terms of its wonderful patterns, except for the one who is the knower of the Unseen.

 

And We only sent it upon you, O one who is deserving of the matter of Messenger-hood and Vice-regency, so you (salutations and blessings upon your qalb that receives and reveals the Quran) can guide by it towards the Ocean of Divine Reality and you can guide through it also the one who is obedient to you from the ones who are walking in bewilderment in the wilderness of being astray, because in it…

Huda-n: is guidance, great…

 

Lil Muttaqeen: for the ones who safe-guard with compliance to His Commands and avoid what He disallows for their selves from the impurities of sins forbidden with true purification and a reaching towards the real rank and destination.

 

Safe-guards, avoids, disallows – don’ts!

 

I could not become grateful. I could only decide I didn’t want to be ungrateful. I could not become generous. I could only decide not to be a miser. I could not decide I will be patient. I could only decide I didn’t want to be impatient. I couldn’t decide to be selfless. I could only want to not be selfish. I couldn’t become sensitive. I could just desire to not be insensitive. Even in rituals, I could not decide to pray the two

Sunnah of Fajr without fail. I could only intend to not miss it.

Each time I exercised a don’t, mindful of it, conscious of it like the Imam Ghazali (ra) became, in my being rather than my mind, I reaped a fruit. I was rewarded for the taqwa, for the restraint. When I failed in the don’t, I felt regret.

 

The best example of in following something Maula e Kayinaat (as) said which was also the most difficult. “Even if a man came to you riding on a red camel (the most expensive of the time) and asks you for something, don’t let him leave empty handed.”

 

He said empty handed for us. He probably gave the man everything he possessed!

 

I could not tell myself to always say yes to everyone who asked me for money. That would never happen. My nafs, which I trained to be a miser, would never allow it. Most often I found that when I didn’t give many people anything at all I thought nothing of it.

 

But if I consciously decided I didn’t want to say no to anyone, then I would at least always give them something. A little, a lot, something. Why? Because the promise was to myself. If I broke it, I was a liar. If I didn’t, I felt remorse. If for nothing else, then for being a liar.

 

Any change that came within me was the fruit of emulating a practice of Nabi Kareem (salutations and greetings upon him and his beloved family) or a Prophet (as) or a Friend of God (ra). Because they did it and they told me to do it. They told me how to do it. When I connected the act with them, the manner of executing it became “excellent.”

 

It came with ease.

 

فَأَمَّا مَنۡ أَعۡطَىٰ وَٱتَّقَىٰ

وَصَدَّقَ بِٱلۡحُسۡنَىٰ

فَسَنُیَسِّرُهُۥ لِلۡیُسۡرَىٰ

 

Then as for (him) who gives and is mindful,

and believes in the best,

then We will ease him towards the ease.

Surah Al Layl, Verses 5-8

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Fa amma man aa’ta: So as for the one who gives from that which he was given from Al Haqq from rizq, sustenance, in (both) form and meaning, along with khushu, humility and khudu, submission and khuloos, sincerity, of intention and inner most feelings and different kinds of obedience and worship commanded for him…

 

Wa attaqa: and is mindful in totality of that which is forbidden and that which is prohibited about which Allah’s warnings of restraint have come in them…

 

Wa saddaqa bil husna: and he affirms the limitless demands of the Names of Allah and the effects of His Exalted Attributes which can never be counted and never be enumerated…

 

Fa sanuyassirruhu: then We will prepare for him and give him ability…

 

Lil yusra: for ease towards the way, which is easy, connecting towards the goal of Tauheed, One-ness and Ma’rifa, Divine Recognition, that brings deliverance from the darkness of doubts and the shadows of paranoia.

 

Tauba was my wish to not be the same person. It was my wish that I was dying to change. It was my reward for being forgiven.

  

Forgiveness

 

قَالَ رَبِّ إِنِّی ظَلَمۡتُ نَفۡسِی فَٱغۡفِرۡ لِی فَغَفَرَ لَهُۥۤۚ

إِنَّهُۥ هُوَ ٱلۡغَفُورُ ٱلرَّحِیمُ

 

He, the Prophet Musa (as) said, "My Lord! Indeed, I [I] have wronged my soul, so forgive me."

Then He, Subhanahu, forgave him.

Indeed He, He (is) the Oft-Forgiving, the Most Merciful.

Surah Al Qasas, Verse 16

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Qala: He said, the Prophet Musa (as), in humility before Allah Al Haqq, returning to Him, repentant of that which happened from him, pleading with Him with only regret…

 

Rabbi: O my Lord who raises me with the different kinds of Lutf, Affection and Karam, Generosity between me and my enemy and purifies me from the distress that is causing me suffering xxx by the demand of Your Jood, Your Bounty…

 

Inni: Indeed, I, with the steps taken in this matter loathsome…

 

Dalamtu nafsi: wronged my own self and offer it to you for Your Punishment because of the exiting from the demands of Your Boundaries by the killing of this man without the permission of the Shari’a…

 

Faghfir li: so forgive me, O my Lord, my sin after that I repented before you and returned to you from my sin, remorseful and seeking refuge, towards Your Door, returning…

 

Faghafara lahu: so his Lord forgave him his sin after he returned to him sincerely…

 

Innahu huwa al Ghafoor-u: Indeed, He is Al Ghafoor, The Forgiver of all sins of His Servants after they returned to him, in humility, disappointed, as losers…

 

Ar Rahim: He is Merciful for them accepting their tauba, repentance, after they were sincere in it and after he repented and returned about what was they did in error.

 

Ahmed Javaid Sahib said in a lecture once that a relationship loses its meaning when the emotion attached to it disappears. It is the emotion that defines the rights and duties attached to any bond between two people. With a younger person, its shafqat, kindness. With an older its ehtaram, respect. With a contemporary, its muhabbat, love.

 

Hence, he says, the absence of the emotion makes it devoid of ehsaas, feeling. Then it is simply rendered to be a delusion. It has no existence. It bears no reality.

 

It made sense. That was why extreme carelessness and indifference, total unawareness could come to exist in behaviour. No matter how paramount the relationship. Why akhlaq experienced sudden death in relationships that should have been life-long. There was no longer a fear of consequence from displeasing the other. The relationship being void of emotion is what allowed that indifference.

 

What kills emotion? I don’t know. So I asked Qari Sahib.

 

He told me this, “The first thing is that Allah Subhanahu places the inclination for another in one’s heart. It cannot be created. It cannot be caused. When it is pure, it is a blessing and it is endowed. It is the people themselves that make the feeling leave.

 

One reason is the tongue and what comes forth from it. That is from the prodding of Shaitaan in terms of anger etc. Another is lust that corrupts that feeling. For the world or others in relationships which are forbidden. Again Shaitaan.

The other even more important reason emotions become numb, appear dead is ingratitude.”

 

The effect of the blessing had to appear, be seen.

 

If you hide the blessings from Allah Azzo Jal and did not express gratitude for it, He will sieze it from you.

 

Those who were in a state of mindfulness of their akhlaq, its effect on others, taufeeq, ability, was granted. They became of the Saliheen; the ones who corrected and reformed themselves.

 

It was perfectly expressed in the prayer of the Prophet Yusuf (as) that I had been saying for months not realizing the effect it was having on my life:

 

تَوَفَّنِى مُسْلِمًۭا وَأَلْحِقْنِى بِٱلصَّلِحِينَ ‎ رَبِّ

 

Cause me to die as a Muslim, and join me with the righteous."

Surah Yusuf, Verse 101

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Then prayed Hazrat Yousuf (as) for himself and he said softly to his Lord, a prayer, that uttered from him only with wisdom, intellect and reasoning, with his invocation:

 

Rabbi: O my Lord who raises me, by Your Unmerited Affection and Your Bounty, with different kinds of guidance and favour that you have granted me…

…

Tawwafini: Make me die and take my soul…

 

Muslim-an: surrendering, entrusting all my matters to you…

 

Walhiqni: and enjoin me, with Your Special Favour…

 

Bi saliheen: with the righteous ones who are the ones who reformed their selves in this life and the Hereafter until they achieved success from You with the honour of meeting You.

 

The same blessed Prophet who taught me that self-deceit would only yield me living like the dead. Unable to see, unable to hear. Veil upon veil upon veil. I had to stop absolving my nafs, no matter the circumstance. It was

 

Shaitaan’s trap: “rationalizations.” In any situation with anyone, I had to take its failing upon my self. Regardless of who did what. Regardless of innocence and guilt.

No one offered the proof of that like Sayyadna Yusuf (as).

 

‏ وَمَآ أُبَرِّئُ نَفْسِىٓ ۚ

إِنَّ ٱلنَّفْسَ لَأَمَّارَةٌۢ بِٱلسُّوٓءِ إِلَّا مَا رَحِمَ رَبِّىٓ ۚ

إِنَّ رَبِّى غَفُورٌۭ رَّحِيمٌۭ ‎

 

"And yet I am not trying to absolve myself.

Indeed, the nafs Ammara is a certain inciter of evil,

unless my Lord bestows Mercy.

Indeed, my Lord (is) Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful."

Surah Yusuf, Verse 53

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

The he, Hazrat Yusuf (as) said:

 

Wa ma ubarri’o: And I do not absolve and do not justify…

 

Nafsi: my nafs, my self, from furataat, excessiveness and ghafalaat, forgetfulness and shameful thoughts and repulsive deeds according to the demands of the organs of lust and animalistic desires and how can I absolve myself and justify it?

 

Inna an nafsa: Indeed the nafs, the base self, that has been embodied in the nature of human beings…

 

La-Ammaarat-un: the forceful commanding of which is by its nature towards …

 

Bis su’: wrong-doing and fasaad, corruption and its focus upon that whenever it’s free and is its nature…

 

Illa ma rahima Rabbi: except for the one upon whom is bestowed the Mercy of my Lord i.e. Allah protects that nafs by His Endless Mercy and Affection from its transgressions and the whisperings of Satan towards it.

 

Inna Rabbi: Indeed my Lord, who has raised me with safeguarding from sin and with virtuousness…

 

Ghafoor-an: is All Forgiving of that which has happened from me from the occurences of my nafs…

 

Raheem-un: is All Merciful. He bestows Mercy towards me with His Fazal, Bounty and He preserves me with His Lutf, Kindness, from those things that make me distant from His Kunuf, Protection and His Jawaar, Safety.

 

The idea of focusing upon what not to do yielded a revelation. What applies to my own self also applied to a relationship with another.

 

If there was a problem that emerged in it I should not focus on what I could do but rather on what I should NOT do. The first took its root in desperation. The overtures, when unreturned, caused heartache and agonizing disappointment. The doing of the action caused the birth of hope that it would be reciprocated. It created the expectation that it would be noticed, appreciated.

 

I knew the drill. It would begin with me thinking of myself as “good” courtesy of Shaitaan’s imprisoning of my nafs with that whispering. Never would I reach the realization that my expectation of an outcome, of a change in another, was the cardinal sin; shirrk!

 

I had just experienced that with the young man in Karachi with whom I exercised patience simply but vowing not to be impatient. With a prayer, calling upon Subhanahu as my Musta’aan as did Hazrat Yaqoub (as) and leaving the matter with Him for resolve.

 

Along side the dua I practiced the attribute of murrawwat from the akhlaq from the blessed person who Allah’s Beloved (salutations and greetings upon the one declared the guide of the Universe by Allah Al Hadi). His instruction to not demean others publicly. There was no one else from the world then left in the equation. It was me, my guide and my Lord.

 

Then ability was granted. The nafs could not grant ability. It only stoked its egoism when it took on missions. Ability was only granted by Allah Al Mutawaffiq, The Granter of taufeeq. Sometimes it arrived with simply a tear that held in it helplessness. In the utterance of a prayer in the words of the Chosen!

 

Every time my nafs tried to do something good, it lasted but for a short time. Then I regressed. My qalb changed and then changed back again. What promised steadfastness, stability was up to The Divine. Hence the prayer of Nabi Kareem (salutations and greetings upon his heart):

 

يَا مُقَلِّبَ الْقُلُوبِ ثَبِّتْ قَلْبِي عَلَى دِينِكَ ‏

 

O Changer of Hearts forever changing!

Make my qalb steadfast upon your religion.

 

When I pondered upon Ghaus Pak (ra) being the seed in my heart I felt overwhelmed. Who would have thought my heart would one day become hallowed ground!

 

The blessed of Nabi Kareem (salutations and greetings upon that name) only appears in the Quran four times. When I came across an instance in writing this piece where it did, I was excited to study the context of its appearance.

 

وَٱلَّذِینَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَمِلُوا۟ ٱلصَّـٰلِحَـٰتِ وَءَامَنُوا۟ بِمَا نُزِّلَ عَلَىٰ مُحَمَّدࣲ وَهُوَ ٱلۡحَقُّ مِن رَّبِّهِمۡ كَفَّرَ عَنۡهُمۡ سَیِّءَاتِهِمۡ وَأَصۡلَحَ بَالَهُمۡ

 

And those who believe and do righteous deeds, and believe in what is revealed to Muhammad (salutations and greetings upon him and his deeds),

and it (is) the truth from their Lord,

He will remove from them their misdeeds, and relieve their concerns.

Surah Muhammad, Verse 2

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Walladina aamano: And those who attained to imaan, faith in Allah and in His Rasool (salutations and greetings upon him and his honoured family by their Lord)…

 

Wa: and along with that…

 

Aamilo salihaat: do righteous deeds persistently, that create closeness for them with Allah…

 

Wa aamilu ala bima nuzzila ala Muhammad: and believe in what was revealed upon Muhammad (salutations and greetings upon his blessed name) i.e. in the totality of what has been revealed to him…

 

Wa: and they attest to all that is descent upon him…

 

Huwa al haqq: it is the truth, truthful according to the happenings, (the truth that is) descending…

 

Mir Rabbihim: from their Lord, without doubt and confusion…

 

Kaffara: He erases and removes…

 

Anhum: from them, Subhanahu…

 

Sayyiatihim: their bad deeds i.e. their consequences and their punishment from them…

 

Wa aslaha: and He reforms what was attached to them (those sinful deeds), and He changes the consequences that follow…

 

Baalahum: in their states of being i.e. He makes their states the best in religion and in the world according to the measure of this world and the Hereafter and He compensates them with the best of rewards.

 

Wa aslaha: He, Subhanahu, reforms…

 

The definition of aslaha, to reform, was different when it was Subhanahu doing the reforming for His Servant. It was the reward of deeds that were mindful of disobedience, thus allowing closeness. It was the reward of believing in His Seal of Prophet-hood (salutations and greetings upon his noor). Sins would be erased, their consequences would be removed, they would change so that states changed. To become the best!

 

Subhan Allah!

 

One page that would keep opening for me at the shrines was from the end of Surah Al Mo’minoon. It was always the last page. I kept translating different verses from it until I reached the last verse. It was a supplication that Subhanahu was teaching His Beloved (salutations and greetings upon the mercy of the Universe and his blessed family by His Lord Ar Raheem).

 

It became my dua!

 

وَقُل رَّبِّ ٱغۡفِرۡ وَٱرۡحَمۡ وَأَنتَ خَیۡرُ ٱلرَّٰحِمِینَ

 

And say, "My Lord! Forgive and have mercy,

and You are the Best of those who show mercy."

Surah Al Mo’minoon, Verse 118

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa: And after that Subhanahu made it certain, the success for the Mo’mineen, the believers, Al Muwwahideen, who are certain in the One-ness of Allah, in the beginning of this Surah and He deprived the Kafireen, the deniers of truth, Al Mushrikeen, the ones who associate others with Allah in the end (of the Surah)…

 

Qul: Say O Akmal Ar Rusul, O Messenger who completes the Messenger-hood (greetings and salutations upon him and his family by His Allah who loves him), educating everyone who considers you his leader and follows in your footsteps and warning them as well of this and reminding them…

 

Rabbi: O my Lord, who raised me by your Kunf, Protection and Jawar, Safe Guarding…

 

Ighfir: forgive me and hide for me my selfish, egoistic self from my inner eyes…

 

Warham: and have mercy upon me by the negation of the essence of my nature and dissolve it in Your Essence.

 

Wa anta: And You with Your Essence and Your Names and Your Attributes…

 

Khair ur Rahimeen: are the Best of the Merciful, who are also demands of Your Attributes and reflections of Your Names and everything is with You and from You and there is no one who is Merciful except You and there is no Lord for me other than You.

 

For the first time I noticed that ask did not have in it a time frame. It was a plea for now as well as the Day of Judgement. It was a plea for now!

 

Normally in my translations of the tafseer of the verses, Qari Sahib and I never got into how Ghaus Pak (ra) starts and ends the exegesis of each Surah. There would be the opening section addressing the ones especially chosen by Allah Subhanahu. At the end would then be a section addressing the ordinary.

 

For some reason, Qari Sahib sent me the closing section of Surah Al Mo’minoon and we translated it.

 

Khatim as Surah – Al Mo’minoon

 

“O Muhammadi (his servant)! Upon you, as Al Mutahaqqiq, the one steadfast upon the station of worship, is compulsory this prayer (above) which you were made to hear by Allah Al Haqq through the tongue of your Prophet (greetings and salutations upon him and his family O Beloved by your Lord who chose his words) and be forever in its utterance, especially in your seclusion and after your prayers, determined upon it, holding on to this firmly.

 

Hear this prayer with acceptance and willingness until it becomes rooted in your heart and be trained in it till your state speaks through it without help from your tongue.

 

And when you are certain and settled in this rank, you will have completed the station of worship.

 

So for you, after that the progression of your worship is perfected by taufeeq, ability, granted from Allah and love from Him (you will reach) towards the rank of dissolution in Allah and being everlasting in His Permanence.

 

And this will not be completed except by the disappearance of your nature and vanishing of your personality and your being (an ordinary) human, until it is dropped from you, your personality completely and your individuality is dissolved overall.

 

And at this point you will be successful by how much you will be fated in success and you will reach what you are ordained to reach and there is no purpose except Allah and no end except Him.

 

It was comforting that all I had to do is bring a verse in to my state. Be in synch with the ask in it with the sincerity of my heart. That was easy; I awaited forgiveness. I was desperate for my selfish ego to be hidden from me. I wanted my tabyat, the acquired nature to be dissolved, to entirely disappear.

I memorized the prayer and its utterance came forth from my tongue through my days and in my nights.

 

The other prayer that had impacted my life had come by way of Imam Zain ul Abedin (as). After I had heard that his prayers “are the saplings for nisbat, association, with Nabi Pak’s (salutations and greetings upon him and his family by Allah Al Wudood) duas, I asked Qari Sahib if he had the book mentioned in the lecture; It was called Saheefa e Sajjadia.

He did and he sent it to me. It was in pdf format. I could barely read anything, the print was so small. I decided to do what I always do. Go to a random page and see what came up for me.

 

Almost all the prayers were long spanning several lines on an entire page. On the one I landed, the title was “The prayer for his own self and his loved ones in his family and his friends.”

On the translated Urdu page was a paragraph break. The first line of that paragraph was the supplication I picked and it was this:

 

اللَّهُمَّ أَغْنِنَا عَنْ هِبَةِ الْوَهَابِيْنَ بِهِبَتِكَ،

وَاكْفِنَا وَحْشَةَ الْقَاطِعِين بِصِلَتِكَ،

حَتّى لا نَرْغَبَ إلَى أحَد مَعَ بَذْلِكَ،

وَلاَ نَسْتَوْحِشَ مِنْ أحَد مَعَ فَضْلِكَ

 

Allahuma aghnina an hibbat il wahhabiyaani bi-hibatika

wakfina wahshat-il qaatiyeena bi silatika hatta la narghaba ila ahdim ma’ bi-dalika

wa la nastauhisha min ahdim ma’ fadlika

 

My first focus was upon the words that took their root in the Exalted Names of Allah. One was in the 99, Al Ghani. I looked up the exact meaning to understand the plea. What was I asking for myself when I said, ‘Aghnina - Make us ghani…?’

 

Ghani: From the root gha-noon-yeh which has the following classical Arabic connotations: to be free from wants or needs, to be self-sufficient, independent, to be able to do without help from others, to be content, satisfied, flourishing.

 

The other Beautiful Name was Al Kafi also meaning The Sufficient One as in He is Sufficient for all His Servants’ needs.

 

O Lord!

 

Make us free of the need of being gifted by others with only being granted by You

and make us self-sufficient from being melancholy because of the cutting off of ties by

others with the attachment of Your Being,

until we do not ask anything from anyone else because of it (that Gifting and Attachment)

and we do not ever feel the misery of loneliness because of anyone as a resut of Your Bounty upon us.

 

Ameen summa Ameen summa Ameem

 

I felt elated!

 

The universality of the prayers of Subhanahu’s Chosen always touched my heart. The pronoun was always, without fail, “us.” The words would be spoken by one but it would be asked for all of Mankind. No one was left outside. Everybody was included in the circle of humanity.

 

There is no such thing as coincidence in Islam. Everything is in the Knowledge of Allah Al Aleem. Where we land is a function of our choices, courtesy of our free will. Those choices are ours. The outcome is just pre-known and recorded in the Lauh e Mahfooz, the Tablet of Fate. That is what the Arif is gifted access to. All he has to do is glance at it whenever he wishes for anyone.

 

Imam Zain ul Abedin’s (as) prayer was a God-send, there is no doubt about that. I started memorizing it in Arabic. My need was certainly captured in it perfectly. Other cutting off ties suddenly appeared like a blessing instead of a trial. The closing of doors was necessary, as Ghaus Pak (ra) had said, for the Greatest Door of Subhanahu to open.

 

A mushrik would never be allowed any nearness at all. A person with ugly manners would never come close to it. Those people who were mean to me were making me in turn be mean to them. I hated that the most about being around them. The sarcasm that would spill from my tongue, the barbs impolite, the impatience rude. It was a nightmare. That a month ago my nafs, knowing that would be its behaviour, still pined for!

 

The thing about truth is that whenever it appears it challenges the status quo, whatever it might be. That is the Sunnah of Nabi Kareem (salutations and greetings upon him and his family and those who gained imaan, faith, by bowing in obedience to him. Love is the purest form of truth. That is why the rank of the beloved is the highest in the rungs of spirituality.

 

Al Fath Ar Rabbani:

 

“You are not of the ones who are without fear (as in the ones who don’t feel it) because without deed, the rote memorization of knowledge is all you possess. Therefore you cannot be an inheritor of the Prophets. Their inheritance only comes from knowledge and deed accompanied by sincerity.

 

Be in a state of awareness of your station and do not move towards that which is has not been apportioned for you.

 

Be in agreement with that has been destined for you by Allah Azzo Jal in your fate. If you do that, for sure, He will grant you ability and bestow kindness upon you and lift the burdens from your head and will treat you with an attitude of softness in this world and the Hereafter.”

 

A promise!

 

“When the imaan, the faith, of the Mo’min, the believer, becomes strong only then he is given the title of Sahib e Iqaan, the person of certainty. When that iqaan becomes strong, he is called the Arif, the one who knows Allah. When his knowledge becomes strong, he is named Muhibb, the lover. And when that love becomes steadfast, he is called the Mehboob, the beloved.”

 

Each time love appeared in my life, it forced me to change. Luckily I submitted to that change because I loved love. It’s swooning effect, its joy, its appearance. Even when later it almost always turned out to be an illusion. I was always overcome by it so I had no interest in preserving whatever version of myself I was then. I was in submission to it.

 

Yet I practiced my faith taking submission to my Lord who created me for granted. Even though it always formed the first layer of my identity.

 

I started reading about my faith fervently in my 30s but nothing changed in my behaviour till I went to Iraq. Till I went to Imam Ali (as), the Door of the City of Knowledge. That’s why I tell anyone and everyone I care for. If they want a relationship with Allah and His Beloved (salutations and greetings upon him and his family eternally) that possesses in it an ever evolving truth, an appearance before Maula e Ali (as) is the first step. It is incumbent.

 

He is the one who opens the door for knowledge to meet deed.

 

Rajab is his month. As I pray my new-found prayers, I wish for my identity to be shed and my states to be altered in it.

 

Forever!

 

I couldn’t help but think that I was brought full circle to a beginning. A thought that began in Damascus on the roof of a hotel, staring at a mountain was meant to show me that my thoughts, almost of them were mere imkaan, possibilities.

 

Each one reflected the state of my heart which was like a cupboard stacked with idols of hopes and statues of expectations. All of which were coated in ill-will. Both were flip sides of the same coin of shirrk!

 

And only two broke idols. Then or now!

 

As recorded by Allama Haysmi (ra) in Majma’ az Zawaid:

Imam Ali (as) narrates: “I accompanied Rasool Allah (salutations and greeting upon him and his family) until we reached the Ka’aba. Then Rasool Allah (salutations and greeting upon him and his family) stood upon my shoulders.

I tried to stand up and Rasool Allah (salutations and greeting upon him and his family) felt the weakness in me so he said, “Sit.”

 

I sat and he came down and said again, “You stand upon my shoulders,” so I climbed his shoulders and stood up.

 

Then I felt that if I wanted to, I could hold onto the edges of the sky.

 

I reached upwards inside the Ka’aba and there was a statue there of copper and bronze. I started taking it apart from the left and the right and from the front and back, until I had successfully dismantled it.

 

Nabi Kareem (salutations and greeting upon him and his family most eminent in the blessings of Allah) said, “Throw it,” so I threw it. Then I broke it into pieces the way glass is broken into pieces. Then I descended and he and I left the Ka’aba without coming across anyone.”

 

Only two are our friends.

 

‏إِنَّمَا وَلِيُّكُمُ ٱللَّهُ وَرَسُولُهُۥ وَٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ ٱلَّذِينَ يُقِيمُونَ ٱلصَّلَوٰةَ وَيُؤْتُونَ ٱلزَّكَوٰةَ وَهُمْ رَكِعُونَ ‎

 

Your only ally is Allah and His Messenger, and those who believe, and those who establish prayer and give zakat and they are those who bow down in prayer.

Surah Al Maida’, Verse 55

 

Except that the verse was sent down in praise of one person’s deed:

 

“Huzoor Ghaus Pak (ra) says the verse is revealed for Maula Ali (may Allah gives honour to his countenance), when a beggar asked him (for alms) while he was in ruku’, bowing in prayer, and he loosened his ring so that it dropped (for him to take).”

 

Tafseer e Jilani

Then when Allah, Exalted is He, forbade the Mo’mineen from friendships with the Kuffar, the infidels, and love towards them and Allah, in emphasis, decided to inform them as to who is deserving of friendship and love and the reality of the two, He said…

 

Inna walliyyukum Allah: Indeed, Allah is your Friend, The One who is in charge of your matters as related to all kinds of ordinary love…

 

Wa Rasooluhu: and so is His Messenger (peace be upon him), who is His Vice-regent second to Him, also in charge…

 

Walladina aamino: and those who brought faith in Allah with a special love (extraordinary) because of their following the Prophet (peace be upon him) and they…

 

Alladina yuqeemoona: are the one who are forever…

As salat: in prayer that brings one close to Allah’s Essence…

And yu’toona az zakata: and they give charity which cleanses their batin, inner being, from focus on anything other than Allah…

 

Wa: in the state of…

 

Hum rak’ioon: bowing in their prayer.

 

The Imam’s prayer brought one closer to Allah’s Essence. The emulation of his charity cleansed the batin from shirrk.

 

The perfect manifestation of spirituality, jurisprudence, akhlaq – morality, character, behaviour, all stemmed from them and theirs. Whether they were the family and lineage by blood or companions or through the spiritual silsilas, all linked together in a chain from Master to disciple and so on.

 

One person of utmost importance before Subhanahu is Syeda Bibi Zainab (as). She was what made Damascus Paradise, the title given to the city by her beloved grand-father (salutations and greetings upon the life of the Universe and his honoured family) years before her entrance into it.

 

She was the reason the city was enclosed in a dome of Divine Mercy that brought souls into their most exalted state, Mutma’inna, effortlessly. I knew she was the reason that I was shown how that state of contentedness could come to exist elsewhere and everywhere, even for the ordinary.

 

That is what I realized from all the verses where Allah Al Muqtadir declares that He only does what He wills and nothing impedes in that.

 

He purifies whom He wills from Shaitaan.

 

وَلَكِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُزَكِّى مَن يَشَآءُ ۗ

…but Allah purifies whom He wills.

Surah An-Nur, Verse 21

 

Wa lakinn Allah: But Allah Ta’ala, the One who manages the affairs of His Servants…

 

Yuzzaki: inserts sincerity and purifies them from the traps of Satan and his evil promptings…

 

Mayyasha: whom so ever He wills, by virtue of His Wisdom and His Control by which He forms the human being…

He guides and misguides who he wills as a function of their obedience to His Beloved (salutations and greetings upon him and his softness by his Lord who keep him and his family in His Eyes at all times):

 

فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُضِلُّ مَن يَشَآءُ وَيَهْدِى مَن يَشَآءُۖ

فَلَا تَذْهَبْ نَفْسُكَ عَلَيْهِمْ حَسَرَتٍۚ

 

For verily, Allah lets him go astray who wills to go astray, just as he guides him that wills to be guided.

Hence, O Allah’s Habeeb (salutations of peace be upon you and your family eternally),

don’t let your sorrow over them destroy you.

Surah Fatir, Verse 8

 

Fa Innallaha: The One who possess all Honour (Al-Mutazziz), who has Supreme Authority and Majesty, who controls all He wants…

 

Yudillu: He makes (some) wayward from the Path of Tauheed, according to His Wrath and according to His Majesty…

 

Mayya sha’: those of His Creation who are disobedient, sinking them in waywardness and making them lost…

 

Wa yahdi maayya sha’: and He guides and gives guidance (to others), for indeed, this is what is asked for as help by them first of all. This (Decision) is a function only and only of Allah’s Will and His Choice. Nothing is allowed to interrupt that or become involved in it in any way whatsoever.

 

Fa la tadhab nafsuka: So don’t exhaust yourself, O Beloved (peace be upon him), and don’t be a cause of your own extreme anguish and torment…

 

Alaihim: over the ones who are astray, though you love for them guidance and wish it for them…

 

Hasaraat: feeling sad for them and sorry for them, pining over this wish of yours for them again and again feeling that sorrow for them, layering grief upon grief because of their waywardness and refusal to accept guidance.

 

The exercise of my don’ts. That was the only hope for my obedience.

 

In repeating the meaning of the verse again Ghaus Pak (ra) says for emphasis:

 

“For that person who thinks his sin is goodness and thinks the deed is good for his nafs and believes it to be correct, all the time being unaware that it is in fact falsehood. This is the reason he has turned from the Right Path, thus totally distancing himself from guidance.

 

And you, O Beloved Messenger (peace be upon him) who completes The Message, will you torture yourself over them in sorrow wondering all the whole; “Why don’t they accept guidance and why don’t they bring faith?” Indeed, Allah makes astray those He wishes to make astray and guides those He wishes to guide. So don’t feel badly for them.”

 

The verses went on and on. In reference to every aspect of life. It was Subhanahu’s Will to bestow His Rahma, Mercy, Fazal, Bounty, Rizq, livelihood, Noor, His Light, Taqwa, His Consciousness. Darajaat, ranks of closeness leading to Him, Nasr, His Help, Huda, His Guidance, Sama’, inner hearing, Baseera, seeing from the eyes of the heart, Izza, honour in both the worlds upon whoever He wants, whenever He wishes. It was a sustenance complete, mental, emotional, physical, material and spiritual and it was for a person as well as their family.

 

If heaven and hell are states, as Iqbal says, hell is possibilities. Heaven is surrender.

 

Thus I come to await Rajab this year like no other month and the 13th like no other day I have ever waited for before. It will begin with asking Allah Al Haailo, The Only One who comes between, to be the barzakh, the separation of mercy between my states of being a Mo’min and my states of being a Kafir. I was both the seas, salty and sweet.

 

It will end with the last verse of Surah Al Baqarah, the series of prayers gifted to The Beloved (salutations and greetings upon him and his family who are the source of Allah’s Forgiveness in the Universe).

 

َعَن ابْن عَبَّاس قَالَ: بَيْنَمَا جِبْرِيلُ قَاعِدٌ عِنْدَ النَّبِيِّ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ سَمِعَ نَقِيضًا مِنْ فَوْقِهِ فَرَفَعَ رَأْسَهُ فَقَالَ: «هَذَا بَابٌ مِنَ السَّمَاءِ فُتِحَ الْيَوْمَ لَمْ يُفْتَحْ قَطُّ إِلَّا الْيَوْمَ فَنَزَلَ مِنْهُ مَلَكٌ فَقَالَ هَذَا مَلَكٌ نَزَلَ إِلَى الْأَرْضِ لَمْ يَنْزِلْ قَطُّ إِلَّا الْيَوْمَ فَسَلَّمَ وَقَالَ أَبْشِرْ بِنُورَيْنِ أُوتِيتَهُمَا لَمْ يُؤْتَهُمَا نَبِيٌّ قَبْلَكَ فَاتِحَةُ الْكِتَابِ وَخَوَاتِيمُ سُورَةِ الْبَقَرَةِ لَنْ تَقْرَأَ بِحَرْفٍ مِنْهُمَا إِلَّا أَعْطيته» . رَوَاهُ مُسلم

 

Hazrat Ibn e Abbas (ratu) narrates:

 

Hazrat Gibrael (as) was sitting near the Prophet (salutations and greetings upon him and his family) when they heard a loud sound above them so they turned to look up and he said,

“This door has been opened for the first time in the skies and an angel has descended from it.”

 

Hazrat Gibrael (as) said, “This angel has not come to the Earth ever before.”

 

He, the angel, presented his salam and said, “Glad tidings come for you with two nur, Divine Lights, that have been sent only for you and not for any Prophet before you. Al Fatiha and the ending verses of Surah Al Baqarah.

 

Not will a word of them be uttered that will not be granted.

 

Rabbana…O my Lord who raises me with His Lutf, Affection and Fazl, Bounty…

 

رَبَّنَا لَا تُؤَاخِذۡنَاۤ إِن نَّسِینَاۤ أَوۡ أَخۡطَأۡنَاۚ

 

"Our Lord! (Do) not take us to task if we forget or we err.

Surah Al Baqarah, Verse 286

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Then when he pointed, Subhanahu, towards the secret behind obligations, He willed towards the performance of what was commanded to do, which is not possible except by His granting ability and a pulling from Him. For this purpose He has directed the dua, prayer and ista’anat, the asking of help and munajaat, the silent supplication in His Words:

 

Rabbana: O Our Lord, The One who raises us by His Lutf, Kindness, for the acceptance of Your Obligations (upon us) so we can reach towards the Atmosphere of Your Tauheed, One-ness and Your Glorification…

 

La tu-aakhid-na in naseena: do not take us to task for being forgetful about performing what You commanded us to do because of (the delusions of) our possibilities…

 

Au akhtaana: or our erring in it because of the lack of our understanding.

 

رَبَّنَا وَلَا تَحۡمِلۡ عَلَیۡنَاۤ إِصۡرࣰا كَمَا حَمَلۡتَهُۥ عَلَى ٱلَّذِینَ مِن قَبۡلِنَاۚ

رَبَّنَا وَلَا تُحَمِّلۡنَا مَا لَا طَاقَةَ لَنَا بِهِۦۖ

وَٱعۡفُ عَنَّا وَٱغۡفِرۡ لَنَا وَٱرۡحَمۡنَاۤۚ

أَنتَ مَوۡلَىٰنَا فَٱنصُرۡنَا عَلَى ٱلۡقَوۡمِ ٱلۡكَـٰفِرِینَ

 

And (do) not lay upon us a burden like that (which) You laid on those who (were) from before us.

Our Lord! [And] (do) not lay on us what we don’t have (the) strength (to bear).

And pardon us, and forgive us and have mercy on us.

You (are) our Protector, so help us against the people - [the] disbelievers.

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Rabbana wa la tahmil alayna isran: O Our Lord, do not lay upon us a burden of a veil thick and a curtain heavy which blinds the vision of Our quloob, the station within Our hearts that recognizes You, from the comprehension of Nur, the light of Your Tauheed, Your One-ness…

 

Kama hamalta-hu alladina min qabli-na Rabbana wa la tuhammil-na: the way you burdened the ones who came before us. Our Lord, do not burden us with the exhaustion of our ritualistic exercises and the hardships of obligations intensive due to the filth of imkaan, possibilities and ambiguities in relationships…

 

Ma la taqata lana bihi wa’fu: (exhaustion and hardship) that we don’t have the strength to bear and remove them, erase (them), by Your Favour…

 

An-na: for us (these burdens) from the demands of the characteristics of possibilities (in our nature)…

 

Waghfir lana: and forgive us i.e. conceal for us, O our Lord, our selfishness and ego-ism and the true nature of our personality from our own eyes….

 

Wa: and after that…

 

Irham-na: have mercy upon us with Your Mercy Expansive.

 

Anta Maulana: You are Our Lord and Master, The Controller of our blessings …

 

Fan sur na: so help us with your help and your succour so we can make well known Your Tauheed…

 

Ala qaum il Kafireen: against the nation of the deniers of truth and the ungrateful, As Saatireen, the ones covered by the haze of their false natures from the sun of the truth apparent on the horizon.

 

Ghaus Pak (ra) prays: Make us steadfast by Your Lutf, Affection and by Your Ultimate Truth and by Your Tauheed, One-ness, Ya Khair ul Nasireen, O Best of Helpers, Ya Hadi-il Muddaleen, O Guide of the Astray!

 

In another tradition by Imam Abd bin Hameed the incident of the descent of the blessed verses ends with the line: “When the angel Gibrael (as) read the last two verses of Surah Al Baqarah, Nabi Kareem (salutations and greetings upon him and his family by his Lord who taught them prayers that bring us relief) said, “Ameen.”

 

In the echo of that “Ameen,” the one uttered by the Beloved of Allah Subhanahu (salutations or greetings upon his prayers and those of his blessed family’s prayers for us which are always answered by their Lord), “Ameen summa Ameena summa Ameen…”

 

رَبِّ ٱجۡعَلۡنِی مُقِیمَ ٱلصَّلَوٰةِ وَمِن ذُرِّیَّتِیۚ

رَبَّنَا وَتَقَبَّلۡ دُعَاۤءِ

رَبَّنَا ٱغۡفِرۡ لِی وَلِوَٰلِدَیَّ وَلِلۡمُؤۡمِنِینَ یَوۡمَ یَقُومُ ٱلۡحِسَابُ

 

My Lord! Make me an establisher (of) the prayer, and from my offsprings.

Our Lord! and accept my prayer.

Our Lord! Forgive me and my parents and the believers (on) the Day of Reckoning.

Surah Ibrahim, Verse 40-41

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Rabbi ja’alni muqeem as salati: O my Lord! Make me steadfast in prayer in the manner of khudu’, intense compliance (of the heart) and khushu’, submission and tabattal, devotion and ikhlas, sincerity…

 

Wa: and make…

 

Min zurriyati: from my offspring as well ones who are steadfast in it like the etiquettes mentioned previously.

 

Rabbana: O Our Lord! Respond to my supplication…

 

Wa taqabbal dua: and accept (my) prayer in my favour and in favour of my children.

 

Rabbana aghfir-li: O Our Lord, Forgive me by your Favour, for if You do not, I don’t have control for my self over harm or benefit…

 

Wa liwalidayya wa lil Mo’mineena: and forgive my parents and the believers, all of them, and forgive in accordance with the demands of your Jood, Generosity, my errors and their errors…

 

Youma yaqoom ul hisaab: on the Day of Reckoning when the Register of deeds will be opened and accountability be asked for everything which happened in sin.

 

Ameen!

 

Link: www.youtube.com/watch?v=NBooTZkpSX0&t=5s

 

His Holiness Younus AlGohar explains what 'Fazkarooni Az Kurkum' means in the light of the teachings of Imam Mehdi Gohar Shahi.

 

Main Points:

 

- Dhikr Allah does not literally mean the remembrance of God. If you don't engage in Dhikr Allah it does not mean that you have forgotten God. Most words have two meanings; the root meaning of Dhikr is 'to mention'. Therefore, 'Fazkurni Azkurukum' means God is saying 'If you make mention of my name, I will make mention of yours'.

 

- God has mentioned his name 'Allah' in two ways in the Koran. One is referred to his essence and the other for his name. Your life will be much easier if you understand this point, otherwise, you may end up placing many allegations on God. For example, Koran: One whose heart has been opened by Allah. This refers to the Personal Name of God.

 

- In order to understand the Koran you must have access to a Sahib-e-Koran (Esoteric Bearer of the Koran). Although the Koran is the Light of God, there are many who fell prey to misguidance by reading the Koran. Just as you would learn to drive from a professional instructor, you must learn the Koran from a Sahib-e-Koran; one who has the Koran dispensed onto the heart.

 

- Prophet Mohammad said: A scholar is one who is connected to my heart. This is why receiving knowledge from the books is useless. The real Koran was dispensed onto the heart of Prophet Mohammad, therefore, you must be connected to his heart if you wish to obtain the real Koran. If you do not have Divine Light in the heart you will be divided into sects.

babylon

Nestled on the edge of the bayou. With the abyssal ocean spread as far as the eye can see. Many seafarers and fisherman once came here for a moments respite from the days labour at the mercy of Poseidon. With tales of ocean beasts and misguiding songs. Yet as time drew on, that labour turned to hardship and the port is but a fraction of what remains. Now tormented by the sirens of the deep and a home to the lost souls of Dreadville. Many call upon the ferryman to take them from here to the next life. But many instead feel the sweet touch of eternal death, coldly bringing them to the depths....Point Pier Wharf is now open.

Derived from the rebellious personality of the 'eldest' in Greek art-house film Dogtooth, this series of mine has been created with the intention of using such a rebellious concept by putting it into that of the more orderly, complying siblings and using certain scenes and ideas throughout the film to create a series of photographs depicting the revolt and taking of control against the constant underlying feel of authority and misguidance.

Wazifa for husband ( +92-3232344555 Whatsapp)

Wazifa for husband

 

www.duacentre.com/wazifa/wazifa-for-husband/

 

In Islam, Wazifa

plays an important role. Every Muslim believes in ALLAH, by the blessings of Allah and reciting the Wazifa, everyone can easily achieve their goals easily.Marriage is an important relationship in our society. Sometimes married couples face many difficulties, yet some live a happy life. For those people who face difficultz and problem in their marital life, they should recite a Wazifa.As a wife, if your husband behavior is not acceptable for you, then Wazifa for the husband

is perfect to solve your problem. But a keen concern on your own acts is also necessary. If your husband doesn’t pay attention to you, and you want his all attention and love confined to you only, then recite this wazifa for the husband

. (For full method of how to do wazifa for husband click here

www.duacentre.com/wazifa/wazifa-for-husband/). It is assured to work, but your own behavior is also accountable in making it possible. Basically, this wazifa for husband and your acts complement each other in making your desire come true.

 

Wazifa for Husband Controlling :

 

When a girlis married, she has to go into an entirely new family. Where many differen situations come before them and they spend a difficult period of time. Sometimes a few people of your in-laws family, misguide your husband

and he starts ignoring you, and your needs. In such condition, wazifa for husband controlling works best. But with reciting this wazifa for husband controlling you also need to work with senses, not with emotions. By using your sense and intelligence you can solve this problem easily.After marriage, a woman’s life changes totally. She enters a new life with many dreams of happiness. But if the husband is found with extramarital affairs then the entire world of dream

destroys with sorrow. In this condition, a Woman life is badly affected and after all this, she prays for his husband

to love her only and not any other else. To help you in this prayer, this Wazifa for husband controlling is very powerful. You will get back your husband with the blessings of ALLAH within a short duration of time.

 

Wazifa for Cheating Husband:

 

After marriage, every wife wishes her husband to care for her only. Without love , respect, marriage life is not complete. Mostly husband respects their wife but some cheat their wives. This situation is critical and painful for every wife when she knows about her husband that he is involved in an illegal relationship. Not a single wife supports their husband in this situation.If you have doubt on your husband that your husband is cheating on you means he has extramarital affairs. Then, this wazifa for the husband will work best to take away his attention from such evil deeds.To save your husband

from these bad habits, you should recite wazifa for the cheating husband. But also you need to concern with this that husbands need love and devotion from their wives because in some cases wives are wrong on their stance. So, check on you first and rectify yourself, else, read this wazifa for a cheating husband, it is so powerful to help you take your husbandout of such poor deeds.

 

Dua centre is an online spiritual healing and Islamic courses institute. It is founded by an Islamic Scholar & Spiritual healingExpert Amil Mohammad Yousuf Sahab. Whatsapp : +92–3232344555 . Email: duacentre786@gmail.com .It provides solution to all the problems and diseases of people worldwide. Amil Mohammad Yousuf sahab provides treatment to all kinds of diseases and problems of worried people with the help of highly powerful Quranic verses, Hadith duas, and prayers transferred from spiritual link . DuaCentre provides Quranic healing service and high quality Islamic education to people all over the world. It offers all the courses related to pragmatism and spirituality and islamic coursesthat cannot be found on any other online institute.Hazrat Mohammad Yousuf Sahab has a good experience of 15 years in this field and is an expert in spiritual healing, Casting legal wazifa, dua, Istikhara, spells, ruqya, and naqsh. His students are also working in several countries such as UK, USA, Pakistan, India, etc,. under his guidance. He also holds graduation degree.

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www.duacentre.com/wazifa/

 

The ‘newspaper stand’ is soon becoming a forgotten way to communicate with the public. With more online news subscriptions being made, newspaper companies are leaving these structures abandoned. I want to use this endangered specie as a new way to communicate with the public once more. This is achieved using the concept of ‘site specific’ in the real world as well as the online world, and also by introducing a different concept of ‘time specific’. This technique helps to create a story on the street as well as the webpage in which the images are added to. Each newspaper stand represents a single page in the story “The Story of How Things Came to Bee”. Once the newspaper stand is placed back in the location from which it was originally borrowed from, a picture is taken at the exact time in which the story takes place. By adding the images to the webpage it allows for a narrative to bee created by using ‘notes’ (these are viewed by scrolling over the image) which can not bee seen on the street. Lastly, a map showing the locations of the newspaper stand is sited as well, allowing the online viewer to travel to each location and view these scenes in real life.

 

"Telephone companies have been abandoning their public telephone booths by taking out the phones and leaving the structures beehind. (Probably due to the rise in cell phone users.) I want to reuse these structures as a way of communication with the public once more by replacing that empty space with paper-mache beehives. To me, this symbolizes the irony beehind the question, 'where have so many of the bees gone' and the theory that cell phone signals have been misguiding their normal patterns of migration"

On the last day after coming home from seven hours of paddling the sun was misguiding us to believe this would actually be bathing conditions. The 27 °C outside temperature were really comfortable. But the 12 °C water temperature were not. I would like to say that eventually you get used to it, but you don't...

أَعُوْذُ بِاللّٰهِ مِنَ الشَّيْطٰانِ الرَّجِيْمِ

 

I seek refuge in Allah from Shaitaan, Al Mudill, the one who misleads with his whispers, Al Maghwi, who seduces with his deception.

 

بِسۡمِ ٱللَّهِ ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ ٱلرَّحِیمِ

 

In the Name of Allah,

The First without a first before Him, The Last without a last behind Him,

The Entirely Merciful, The Especiall Merciful

 

ٱلۡحَمۡدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ ٱلۡعَـٰلَمِینَ

 

all kinds of praise and appreciation,

encompassing all types of the characteristics of all kinds of those utterings of praise in words, in deeds, in states and dialogues,

are only and only for Allah Worthy in His Own Essence and His Attributes,

who is The Lord of all the worlds,

 

ٱلرَّحۡمَـٰنِ

 

The One whose Essence is All Encompassing of all things in existence with Grace Ever- Expansive and according to the Vastness of His Mercy and the Abundance of His Lutf, Affection and His Ra’fat, Gentleness.

 

ٱلرَّحِیمِ

 

The One who raises compassionately,

who nourishes according to the expansiveness of His Limitless Mercy based on the nature of Tauheed

and makes one reach towards the Abode of the One-ness of His Essence

after one lifts the preoccupations (and concerns) that created hurdles from the focus on His One-ness

and after one rejects the connections that prevent steadfastness in His One-ness and absorbing the adornment in it.

 

مَـٰلِكِ یَوۡمِ ٱلدِّینِ

 

The Master of the Day of Resurrection which is prepared for reward or punishment,

 

إِیَّاكَ نَعۡبُدُ

 

You Alone we worship without the idols of hopes and expectations of others in our hearts

 

وَإِیَّاكَ نَسۡتَعِینُ

 

and You Alone we ask for help without which there is no power to endure.

 

ٱهۡدِنَا ٱلصِّرَٰطَ ٱلۡمُسۡتَقِیمَ

 

Guide us to the Straight Path which brings us to Your One-ness,

 

صِرَٰطَ ٱلَّذِینَ أَنۡعَمۡتَ عَلَیۡهِمۡ

 

the path of those You have bestowed (Your) Favors upon

from the Prophets and the truthful one and the martyrs and the ones who rise to battle with their desires and the ones who ready their nafs, selves, to reform and make up for the deficiencies of their previous state,

 

غَیۡرِ ٱلۡمَغۡضُوبِ عَلَیۡهِمۡ

 

not of those who earned Your Wrath upon themselves

 

وَلَا ٱلضَّاۤلِّینَ

 

and not of those who refuse to accept guidance.

 

آمين

 

May Allah make us of those whose burdens are light and whose wishes are few by His Special Favour and His Special Bounty, Ameen!

  

‏وَلَقَدْ خَلَقْنَا ٱلْإِنسَنَ وَنَعْلَمُ مَا تُوَسْوِسُ بِهِۦ نَفْسُهُۥ ۖ

 

And certainly We created man and We know what his self whispers to him

Surah Qaf, Verse 16

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Wa: And overall…

 

Laqad khalaqna al insaana: indeed we created Man and We made him appear from the hidden-ness of nothingness.

 

Wa: And We…

 

Na’alamu: We know him from that point…

 

Ma tuwaswisu: (as to) what whispers and makes up a rambling story…

 

Bihi nafsohu: from his own self and sways his heart (from that point) until now from those kinds of delusions and false imaginings and those things that descend upon him as animalistic desires and those thoughts that are imprisoned by the chains of rituals and shackles of inherent habits that are inherited as a result of useless ponderings which are mixed with unthinking paranoia.

 

Contents

 

Preface 13 Begin! 17 The Push and the Pull 19 Shaitaan and Me 23 The Nafs Mutma’inna 27 The Ones who know their Lord 33 The First Jolt 37 The Diseases of the Heart 41 The Nature of Blessings and Trials 47 Shaan 53 The Belly of the Whale 65 The Façade of my Obedience 69 The Shirrk in my Heart 75 The Fire of Possibilities 81 My Master’s Wrath and Mercy 89 The Necessity of Fear 103 Patience is Beautiful 121 What is a Dua 131 They Feel no Fear or Grief 143 The Layering of Generosity 151 Akhlaq and Imam Ghazali 161 The Seed of Tauba 169 Forgiveness 183

 

يَقُولُ اللَّهُ تَعَالَى:

ابْنَ آدَمَ،

اطْلُبْنِي تَجدني، فَإِنْ وَجَدْتَنِي وجَدْتَ كُلَّ شَيْءٍ،

وَإِنْ فُتُّكَ فَاتَكَ كُلُّ شَيْءٍ،

وَأَنَا أَحَبُّ إِلَيْكَ مِنْ كُلِّ شَيْءٍ

 

Says Allah Ta’ala:

“O Children of Adam (as)!

Seek me and you will find me.

So if you find Me, you will find everything.

And if you miss this seeking, you will lose everything.

And I should be most beloved to you of all things.”

 

Preface

 

فَإِذَا قَرَأۡتَ ٱلۡقُرۡءَانَ فَٱسۡتَعِذۡ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّیۡطَـٰنِ ٱلرَّجِیمِ

 

So when you recite the Quran, seek refuge in Allah from the Shaitaan, the accursed.

Surah An Nahl, Verse 98

 

Exegesis of all verses from the Tafseer e Jilani by the Master of all Masters, Sheikh Abdul Qadir Jilani (ra):

 

And overall good deeds give fruit to a life beautiful and meaningful. In fact the most superb of these deeds is the recitation of the Quran, full of of Ma’arif, Divine Recognitions and Haqaiq, Divine Realities and Mukashafaat, Divine Unveilings and Mushahadaat, Divine Witnessing, resulting from the traveling on the Path of Tauheed, the One-ness of Allah and Irfaan, knowing His Essence.

 

Fa ida qara’at al Quran: So when you read the Quran i.e. you made the intention of reading it, O Qari, O reciter, seeker of the unveiling of the depth of its secrets and its ambiguous signs…

 

Fasta’id: then seek refuge and invoke, first of all…

 

Billahi: Allah, Al Mutajalli, The One who unveils, by the attribute of speech, which makes others helpless before it, Al Hafeed, The Protector of His Sincere Servants from everything in useless sins and disobedience…

 

Min: (which occur) due to doubts and paranoia…

 

Ash Shaitaan ar rajeem: from Shaitaan the accursed one, Al Matrood, the one expelled and the one made distant from the court of the Presence of Allah Azzo Jal with the stoning of the effects of the attributes of Allah’s Wrath and (seek refuge) from his misconceptions and rationalizations which are the armies of desire and forgetfulness and false imaginings and hallucinations thrilling which persuade different kinds of hopes and lust.

 

A Question of Truth

 

I’ve been thinking about this piece in starts and stops for months. To escape the coldest month in Lahore I headed to Karachi to give it readable form at the end of December. I was writing it to mark the month of Rajab in which Maula Ali (as) is born, which would begin on the 23rd of January if the new moon appeared.

 

I included this section, a preface, for the first time to make a single suggestion to my reader. To answer a question that Ghaus Pak (ra) continually asks his readers in his magnificent exegesis of the Quran, the Tafseer e Jilani. Although most scholars yield that it is but a translation.

 

For an exegesis by him, if it were to include all Divine Secrets that have been unveiled for him, might take up all the pages of all the trees only in describing what just the first Surah, Al Fateha, contains, which, incidentally, is also a preface. For the Quran.

 

The question being; Where do you lie in this? For truth is not on a spectrum, he says. It is absolute. We, however, as infallible beings exist in shades of darkness and pendulum between it and falsehood. Whether a single line or thought or image is retained or everything is entirely forgotten, the intention of the read must be singular, fulfilled with a simple question: Where do I lie in this?

 

For the time, the Quran attests, in this world that seems so absolute is not only short. It isn’t even an hour!

 

فَٱصۡبِرۡ كَمَا صَبَرَ أُو۟لُوا۟ ٱلۡعَزۡمِ مِنَ ٱلرُّسُلِ وَلَا تَسۡتَعۡجِل لَّهُمۡۚ

كَأَنَّهُمۡ یَوۡمَ یَرَوۡنَ مَا یُوعَدُونَ لَمۡ یَلۡبَثُوۤا۟ إِلَّا سَاعَةࣰ مِّن نَّهَارِۭۚ

 

So be patient, as had patience those of determination of the Messengers, and (do) not seek to hasten for them punishment.

On the Day when they see what they are promised, it will seem they remained not except an hour of a day (in the world).

Surah Ahqaf, Verse 35

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

And after that you heard O Akmal Ar Rusul, O Messenger who perfects Messenger-hood (salutations and greetings upon you who is entrusted with The Revelation by your Lord and Master), the outcome of the state of denial of truth by the ones who are insistent upon their insolence and stubborn-ness…

 

Fasbir: then be patient, O Akmal Ar Rusul (salutations and greetings upon you and your family by your Lord who makes you His Nur), upon bearing the charge of the message and the exhaustion of preaching and the sufferings from the people, strayed and the misguided…

 

Kama sabara: the way they were patient upon these types of hurdles…

 

Ulol azmi mir Rasool: the Messengers, with unwavering determination, Al Azimeena, the ones resolute upon these things and upon the preaching of the Message with steadfastness, sincere and with solid firmness, so that they make clear for the people the Path of Tauheed, Allah’s One-ness and instruct towards the way of steadfastness and guidance.

 

Wa la tasta’jil lahum: And do not hasten to seek the torment for these deniers i.e. the stubborn ones from the Quresh, with the coming of punishment which is promised to them. For indeed, it will come upon them certainly in its own time…

 

Ka annahum youma yarouna ma yu’adoona: on the Day they will see in the Hereafter which they are being promised of, this punishment from the heights of intensity and scariness and the extreme-ness of its duration so they will recall…

Lab yalbathu: they didn’t stay in the world…

 

Illa sa’atan: for more than an hour…

 

Min naharin: of a day meaning that they will think of the time they stayed in this world as less and they will imagine that compared to the length of the Day of Judgement, it was only an hour or even less than that.

 

The question I ask now is not if I am a Mo’min, a believer or a Kafir, a denier of truth or ungrateful but when?

 

When do I remember my Lord and His Beloved (salutations and greetings upon him who is distinguished among creatures by His Lord) and become a zakir and when am I ghafil, the one who forgets them completely? And most importantly, why?

  

Begin!

 

‏قَالَا رَبَّنَا ظَلَمْنَآ أَنفُسَنَا وَإِن لَّمْ تَغْفِرْ لَنَا وَتَرْحَمْنَا لَنَكُونَنَّ مِنَ ٱلْخَسِرِينَ ‎

 

Both of them, Hazrat Adam (as) and Amma Hawwa (as)) said,

"Our Lord we have wronged ourselves, and if not You forgive [for] us and have mercy (on) us, surely, we will be among the losers."

Surah Al Araaf, Verse 23

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Qalaa: They both invoked, beseeching in humility, admitting that lapse from them…

 

Rabbana: O One who raised us upon grace according to Your Fazl, Bounty and Jood, Generosity…

 

Dallamnaa anfusana: we transgressed upon our own selves by following the enemy (Shaitaan)…

 

Wa illam taghfir lana: and if You do not forgive us and the excesses from us…

 

Wa: and do not…

 

Tarhamna: have mercy upon us by Your Fazl, Favour…

 

Lanaku nanna min al khasireen: we will become amongst the losers, the ones in the greatest loss.

 

Woe upon you!

 

You claim to have knowledge and (yet) find happiness the way the ignorant find happiness and are angry like they are angry.

Your happiness with the world and your inclination towards Creation will make you forget wisdom and harden your heart.

The Mo’min is only happy with Allah and nobody except Him.

 

Ghaus Pak (ra) in Al Fath Ar Rabbani

 

Al Mulhim – The Only One who inspires!

 

Recently in my reading of the Tafseer e Jilani I came across new Asma al Husna, the Beautiful Names of Allah Subhanahu from Ghaus Pak (ra). I was swayed by the effect of the sound itself. Mulhim.

 

Allah Al Haqq, The Only Truth, inspires and His Beloved (O my Lord who raises only kindly, send blessings and salutations upon him and his family) is the Mulham, the one upon whose heart came the inspiration of the Quran. Then as Al Qasim, he distributed them and he distributes them even today.

  

The Push and the Pull

 

أَنِّي مَسَّنِيَ الضُّرُّ وَأَنتَ أَرْحَمُ الرَّاحِمِينَ

 

Prayed the Prophet Ayub (as);

“Indeed, adversity has touched me, and you are the Most Merciful of the merciful.”

Surah Al Anbiya, Verse 83

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Anni massani ad durru: Indeed adversity has touched me, O Lord, far away have gone those close to me and my relatives and all the ones who were affectionate with me…

 

Wa anta: and You are The One remaining who is still for me Merciful and Affectionate for indeed You are…

 

Arham ar Rahimeen: the Most Merciful of the merciful so come to me suddenly with Your Lutf, Kindness because I have no strength and no patience after this and surely his suffering had reached its heights.

 

In my most recent trip to Damascus I had not been reading any of my books on Tasawuff, Islamic Spirituality. Only New Yorkers. That was a first. Whenever I had gone to Medina Sharif or Iraq or India for ziaraat, I had taken books with me specifically to read there in particular places. Here my state was swoon-like. I had brought the books but I never opened them. In the first few days of my being in Sham an experience began to stand out.

 

Each day I would have breakfast on the balcony outside my room. It was quiet and after I ate, I went to the roof-top terrace to lie or sit on a couch that was also a swing. Mostly I would listen to music and stare at the sky. The colours had captivated my heart the first time and it clearly remained besotted.

 

One thing was always the same; the shade would be darkest above me, the blues in their range from powder to midnight, getting lighter and lighter, until my eyes came upon Qasiyoun. It was like only one mountain existed in the world. The one where 123,000 Prophets were buried. I would climb to no-go areas of the hotel to capture it from new vantage points. In the end I just started closing my eyes mid-stare, making them my camera. Everything about Damascus felt intense for me.

 

After the third day, I had started doing something that initially seemed like it was inadvertent. A specific memory would pop into my head and then I would replay it. It was recent, not remarkable but not insignificant either. Like a Youtube or Tiktok video, I would watch the memory in my head at almost exactly the same time.

 

Then for the rest of the day I forgot it along with my entire existence, becoming only a visitor in Paradise. Damascus has been titled such originally by Nabi Kareem (salutations and greetings upon his every utterance that comes only through His Lord God). Therefore it does not allow for lost moments. It’s Paradise! There was no before or after. I was only present.

On the 6th or 7th day I was made to realize something. It was as if someone asked me, “Why do you think this exact same thing every morning?”

 

I thought about it. The replay didn’t evoke any emotion in me. There was no sadness which normally the past carries. There was no joy attached to it in the future. Certainly no anxiety. I had just created a habit for no reason. In a matter of a week that habit was like a shackle in that the new found ritual had its grip on me.

 

At first I thought the awareness of my act came to me because for no reason I was losing the moment. Albeit willingly. But it turned out to be more than that.

 

A month later in Lahore, I would read a paragraph and Ghaus Pak (ra) would explain to me what was happening in Sham. The push and the pull that a human being creates:

 

“The Sahib e Imaan, the person of faith, and iqaan, certainty, and ma’rifat, recognition of the Divine, is in unity with people in their qalb, the station of that Divine Recognition in the heart and in their batin, the inner being, Allah’s Secret within Man.

He reaches a state (through that unity) such that he cannot push away any harm from his being and he cannot pull any benefit towards it. He lies before Allah such that he is powerless with no strength. When this state is made correct for him, then everything becomes goodness as it comes towards Him (no matter what it is).”

 

The words were not applicable to me and perhaps never would be in that I was the furthest thing away from being a Sahib e Imaan. Still, they shed light for me on what I had been doing in Damascus. I was pulling in a memory myself. The only reason I had even able to come to that conclusion was that no emotion had been attached to it.

 

If there were, the emotion would have formed the usual trap of justification for the thought to exist, for my being allowed it. For me to dwell in it, repeat it. I would have felt entitled to think about it. But there wasn’t a feeling that it evoked. There wasn’t a feeling that was its root. Or its consequence for that matter. It was simply a pull into my present from my world. My own pull!

 

Obviously then I was forced to consider the inverse. I must also be pushing out what naturally was in my present. If I didn’t like it, if it made me feel badly, then I pushed emotions and people attached to those emotions attached to my heart away. It was always and only at the insistence of the nafs, the base self, the ego, which in its haste for fulfillment of desire never knew what the correct desire for it was.

 

‏وَيَدْعُ ٱلْإِنسَنُ بِٱلشَّرِّ دُعَآءَهُۥ بِٱلْخَيْرِ ۖ

وَكَانَ ٱلْإِنسَنُ عَجُولًۭا ‎

 

And human beings pray for things that are wrong (as often) as they pray for things that (they think) are good. And human beings are ever hasty.

Surah Al Isra’a, Verse 17

 

Tafseer e Jilani:

 

Wa: And overall, amongst the behaviour that is disliked, worldly and ugly…

 

Yad ul insaana: Man prays, being hasty (in his inner and outer being)…

 

Bi sharre: for that which is not good for him, so comes along, with that (prayer), that which he does not know about its evilness and its harmful consequences.

 

Dua’ahu bilkhair: (while he is) liking that which he is asking for as if it is good for him, due to his hastiness.

 

Wa kanal insaano: In Man’s nature is created haste (for himself) and he demands haste from others about that which he is inclined towards, even though it is detrimental for him.

What I did do in Damascus every time I went to the hallowed shrines of Bibi Ruqayya (as) or Sheikh ul Akbar (ra) or to the section in the Ommayyad Mosque where the Ras Mubarik of Imam Hassan (as) was placed, was to open the Quran to a random page and read the two that faced me, side by side. I don’t know when I starting doing that. I had never done it anywhere else before. Translating the Tafseer e Jilani for two years now had created a nisbat, an association, for me with the Divine Book. If I didn’t read it I missed it.

 

I would take a picture of the pages for safe-keeping. Before I opened the Quran, I would also recite a prayer. It was the prayer I had learnt for when one did an istakhara, asking a question from the Quran for guidance in a state of confusion. The prayer was the same but I didn’t move to the 7th page and the 7th verse to seek any answer. Still each time it felt like I was being told something. When nine times out of 10, one similarity started to appear in the text I was taken aback.

  

Shaitaan and Me

 

قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ

الدُّنْيَا سِجْنُ الْمُؤْمِنِ

 

Said the Messenger of Allah (salutations and greetings upon made the Imam of mercy by His Lord),

“The world is a prison for the believer.”

 

Al Fath Ar Rabbani: “The world is a prison for the Mo’min. Thus when he will forget that prison, only then will he gain freedom for it.”

 

The common denominator had become a reference to Shaitaan. To him not bowing, to him refusing Allah’s Command, to him being the only one going against His Order to prostrate before the Prophet Adam (as) when all the angels submitted to it. I had heard in a lecture once that Hazrat Gibrael (as) who was chosen as the Arch Angel and the one who brought the revelations to all the Messengers, that was his jaza, reward, for having been the first one to fulfill that Divine Command.

 

The text reappearing was along these lines and therefore naturally disturbing:

 

قَالَ مَا مَنَعَكَ أَلَّا تَسۡجُدَ إِذۡ أَمَرۡتُكَۖ

قَالَ أَنَا۠ خَیۡرࣱ مِّنۡهُ خَلَقۡتَنِی مِن نَّارࣲ وَخَلَقۡتَهُۥ مِن طِینࣲ

 

Allah said, "What prevented you that you didn’t prostrate when I commanded you?"

 

Shaitaan said, "I am better than him.

You created me from fire and You created him from clay."

Surah Al Araaf, Verse 12

 

I ended up calling Qari Sahib from there. He sent me the tafseer of Ghaus Pak (ra) and we read it. On my return to Lahore, it was the first verse we translated.

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Qala: Allah Subhanahu said, revealing what was always true in His Knowledge and which was being hidden by Iblis, his wicked nature…

 

Ma mana’ka: what prevented you O Iblis…

 

Alla tasjuda: that you didn’t prostrate before My Khalifa, Vice-Regent…

 

Id amartuka: when I commanded you with your companions (the angels)?

 

Qala: Iblis replied in his answer in accordance with his false essence and corrupt desires…

 

Ana khairun minhu: I am better than him and superior.

Khalaqtani min naar: You created me from fire, lit…

 

Wa khalaqtahu min teen: and you created him from clay, dark, dirty. And it is not good to humiliate the superior before the one made worthy (just a little while ago).

 

The same notion had appeared in another verse as well. The meaning, as I discovered, had an entirely different implication. Hence it made me realize something I had never thought as a possibility for myself. Even though it’s the trap that most of us, supposedly seeking to better ourselves, fall in.

 

A trap entered precisely because of “goodness.”

 

قَالَ یَـٰۤإِبۡلِیسُ مَا مَنَعَكَ أَن تَسۡجُدَ لِمَا خَلَقۡتُ بِیَدَیَّۖ

أَسۡتَكۡبَرۡتَ أَمۡ كُنتَ مِنَ ٱلۡعَالِی

 

He said, "O Iblis! What prevented you from prostrating before the one whom I created with My Hands?

Are you too arrogant or are you of the exalted ones?"

He said, "I am better than him. You created me from fire and You created him from clay."

Surah Sad, Verse 76

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Then when at the time Iblis refused his, the Prophet Adam’s (as) obedience and his honouring, even though the Command came from Allah and was compulsory…

 

Qala: He, Subhanahu, said, with anger at him, calling out to him, asking him the reason for his refusal…

 

Ya Iblis: O Iblis, Al Mustakbir, the one whose desire for pride overcame the Command, the one who turned away from Our Order…

 

Ma manaka an tasjud: what prevented you for prostrating i.e. what was the thing that stopped you from the prostration of honouring…

 

Lama khalaqtu bi yadihi: the one who I created by My Hand and to whom I gave form by My Authority in accordance with My Form and with the perfection of My Strength and Control so he could be My Mirror and be able for My Friendship and My Vice-regency?

 

Astakbarta: Did you desire to become arrogant against the obedience of Our Command and following Our Order…

 

Am kunta: or you considered yourself…

 

Min A’lieen: of the exalted ones, Al Mutafawwaqeena, the ones made higher than you, so much so that your nafs, egoistic self, has made you such that you cannot surrender before Allah and be obedient to Him?

 

Here Qari Sahib paused to point out two things. One, understanding the verb astakbara. Form 7. It wasn’t just pride. It was a false sense of pride that didn’t even exist in reality. It was a farce and a façade. It was in fact a delusion of pride. The arrogant person thought they were better than others and it was a false belief. For indeed in every case, they weren’t better.

 

Two, the question was being posed in multiple choice. Are you in an assumed state of arrogance? Or do you think you belong to the ones that I, Subhanahu, have chosen as the exalted? The difference was tremendous and I feared Iblis’ answer.

 

قَالَ أَنَا۠ خَیۡرࣱ مِّنۡهُ خَلَقۡتَنِی مِن نَّارࣲ وَخَلَقۡتَهُۥ مِن طِینࣲ

 

He said, "I am better than him. You created me from fire and You created him from clay."

Surah Sad, Verse 76

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

And after the accursed one heard this from Subhanahu, such an address, consisting of all kinds of wrath…

 

Qala: he said, the accursed one, after choosing the second option for the refusal…

 

Ana khairun minhu: I am better than him in form and physical element because…

 

Khalaqtani: You created me by the Perfection of Your Authority…

 

Min naar: from fire and it is the better particle and it is higher in value and place…

 

Wa khalaqtahu min teen: and You created him from clay and it is the lower particle and it is not valuable and it is of a lower place. And the command of prostration for the higher and better before the lower and worthless is not suitable and not according to Your Solid Wisdom.

 

In Damascus I couldn’t wholly ignore the repeat appearances of the mention of Shaitaan but I did forget about them. Once back home I was forced to consider the nightmarish possibility; Could Iblis and I have something in common? I always thought he was the misguider, I the misguided. He was the perpetrator, I was the victim. How could we be the same?

The answer started to come slowly. In Sham I was all alone.

 

Life was blissful. When I reached Lahore, I had to start meeting others. The humans! This time though I became acutely aware of the push and the pull and what was governing them. Feelings of affection for them caused me to reach out and search for them. The pull. If I found them to be absent, my disappointment turned into heartache leaving me wishing I would never see them again. The push!

 

In neither scenario did I even say or do anything outright in terms of expressing myself to the other. The whole thing was happening in my head but unlike Damascus, the feelings invoked were not neutral. They were undeniably sharp.

I had started re-reading Ghaus Pak’s (ra) sermons. He explained where my hypocrisy lay thus bringing the matter away from the “other” and squarely back upon my own self.

  

The Nafs Mutma’inna

 

رَبَّنَآ أَتْمِمْ لَنَا نُورَنَا وَٱغْفِرْ لَنَآ ۖ

إِنَّكَ عَلَىٰ كُلِّ شَىْءٍۢ قَدِيرٌۭ

 

"Our Lord Perfect for us our light and grant forgiveness to us.

Indeed, You are over every thing All-Powerful."

Surah At Tahreem , Verse 8

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Then when the people of faith who have different kind of noor, light, according to what is clear and what is hidden depending upon their deeds and their natural capabilities…

 

Yaquloona: they say, calling out in prayer…

 

Rabbana: O Our Lord who raised us upon guidance and consciousness!

 

Atmim lana noorana: Perfect for us our light by gracing us and by bestowing additional favour upon us…

 

Waghfir lana: and forgive us our sins i.e. hide our selves from the flaws that our eyes will see (of our own selves so we don’t see them).

 

Innaka: Indeed, you, according to Your Generosity…

 

Ala kulle shay’an Qadeer: over everything, which enters in the encompassing of Your Great Knowledge and Your Will…

 

The words in Al Fath Ar Rabbani applied to me in the context of my living life alone, cut off from the world in a mainstream sense. Hours of each day passed with two teachers. One for study, the other for play. I went to see my Aunt in the afternoon. My day started around 8am and ended close to 4pm. That was it. I hardly saw anyone else.

 

Hence I was under the illusion that my hermit-like life was rendering me zuhd, spiritual detachment, from the world. I was about to find out that it was not.

 

Al Fath Ar Rabbani:

 

“Your seclusion is not correct because seclusion has to be empty of everything as far as the qalb, the heart within the heart, is concerned. The batin, the inner self, Allah’s Secret within you, has to be empty so that it can be free, without the world and the Hereafter and nothing except Allah Al Haqq Azzo Jal.

 

And this has been the only way for the Prophets and Messengers and the Auliya, the Friends of God and the Saliheen, the ones who try to reform themselves, from before. Persuading towards good deeds and stopping people from what is forbidden is better than a thousand worshippers in seclusion.

 

Lower the gaze of the eyes of your nafs, the base self, control it and make it return so this eye does not become the reason for its destruction. Until the time that the nafs becomes obedient to the qalb, the station of Divine Recognition and the batin, surrendering in unity to the two, not disobeying their instructions and agreeing with them and there should not be any difference between it and them.

 

The nafs should command what they command and forbid what they both forbid and choose what they chose. So at that point then, the nafs becomes Mutmainna, contented, and in agreement upon a single requirement and a single goal. When the nafs reaches this state, then it becomes deserving of some relief from its striving.

 

So don’t find fault with Allah about what He decides…”

 

I read each word carefully and I read the paragraphs again and again. My self-proclaimed zuhd was a lie. I got that. But it was another line that captivated me. My Master had revealed what would allow for “relief in the striving” for the nafs. It would come from an alignment with the qalb and the batin. The cherry on the cake that he had thrown on so casually was in fact an extraordinary revelation:

 

An ordinary person, could in moments, in this world, and not just in the Hereafter or on the Day of Judgement, but in this world, feel what it is like for the nafs to be Mutma’inna. The third and most exalted state of the nafs, one that I had learnt only the Prophets and the Friends of God were in. My revolting nafs could also be Mutma’inna!

 

That is when I realized why Damascus was in reality Paradise. Why I felt a state of elation there that never subsided. Not for a split second. I never felt tired, there was no exhaustion. In that land called Sham, my nafs would naturally and effortlessly become perfectly aligned with my qalb and batin. Hence, I didn’t read. There was no need. The reading was a seeking. I had already arrived! I barely prayed. There is no sala’t in Paradise. I just walked in streets all day long, listening to house pounding in my head, feeding the hungry.

 

At the shrines I would just look at people and stare at the walls and ceilings, reading the ahadith and verses written on them. I gave money to whoever I could. It was the exact opposite experience of ritualistic worship that occupied me in any other place I visited. No wonder I couldn’t get enough of it. Barely would I be checking out of the hotel that I would be planning my return.

 

It was no coincidence that dome after venerate dome had the verse inscribed in them that attested to my state.

 

یَـٰۤأَیَّتُهَا ٱلنَّفۡسُ ٱلۡمُطۡمَىِٕنَّةُ

 

"O soul! who is satisfied,

 

ٱرۡجِعِیۤ إِلَىٰ رَبِّكِ رَاضِیَةࣰ مَّرۡضِیَّةࣰ

 

Return to your Lord well pleased, and pleasing.

Surah Al Fajr, Verse 89-90

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Then pointed Subhanahu towards the beautiful states of the people of bestowing and blessings on the Day i.e. the Mo’mineen, the believers who are the Mu’qineen, those who possess inner certainty, who collect the provisions from this world for the Hereafter and are attributed with taqwa, the mindfulness of Allah.

 

And they did not go against the Command of their Lord their whole lives and did not follow their desires and they remained steadfast and they purified their nafs, selves, by what happened to them from the Commands of the Divine.

And overall they were never restless in happiness or in adversity and they did not care about difficulty or ease so then on that Day it will be said to them:

 

Ya ayyatuhan nafsu mutmainna: O contented self, which is set upon, steadfast on the station of Raza, the Pleasure of Allah and tasleem, surrender to Him…

 

Irja’i ila Rabbik: return to your Lord and ascend upon the way which you came down from…

 

Radiyatan: contented, being characterized by pleasure the way you were pleased upon Allah’s Commands in the life in this world…

 

Mardiyatan: well pleased, accepted, most honoured in the sight of Allah.

 

And after that you returned to this mentioned way…

 

Fadkhuli fi: then enter in the group…

 

I’badi: of My Servants who reached towards the Kunf Jawari, My Enclosure and Protection and were able to attain the Maqad Sidqin, the Seat of Special Nearness to the Sovereign Lord of Truth. And overall:

 

Udkhuli Jannati: Enter My Heaven i.e. the Paradise of My One-ness and rest in the seclusion of the Lahoot, the Realm of Nur, Divine Light.

 

Prayer by Ghaus Pak (ra): May Allah make us of the ones addressed by this address, this address which is pure. Indeed, He is Al Mulhim, the One who is the Only Inspirer, towards good and He has the Best Abode.

 

Al Mulhim!

 

A month later, the Quran itself attested to Damascus being the place where the possibility of that nafs existed and was promised. For it was where Allah Subhanahu sent His Khaleel, the Prophet Ibrahim (as) when he was exiled from his family, his clan, his country. When he was all alone, the only believer on Earth.

 

The verse was a personal favourite. I had loved reciting it in Mecca when I walked from the hotel to the haram. I looked it up recently only because I was curious about what the tafseer of yahdeeni, My Lord, He will guide me, was. The last thing I expected was what it revealed.

 

وَقَالَ إِنِّی ذَاهِبٌ إِلَىٰ رَبِّی سَیَهۡدِینِ

 

And he said, "Indeed, I am going to my Lord, He will guide me.

Surah As Saffat, Verse 99

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

And after he left, His Close Friend, the Prophet Ibrahim (as) (the blessings of Ar Rahman upon him and His Salam), when he chose exile and exit from them by the Inspiration and Revelation of Allah upon him…

 

Wa: so that is why…

 

Qala: he declared when he left…

 

Inni dahibun illa Rabbi: indeed, I am going to my Lord and towards His Kunf, Guardianship, His Protection and His Jawar, Safeguarding and his Expansive Mercy…

 

Sayahdini: so He guides me by His Lutf, Kindness, towards the place that makes it possible for me to focus on Him in it and where my heart will feel contentment so he went to Sham by the inspiration of Allah to him and he made his home in that place Al Muqadissa, pure.

 

When I was translating the tafseer of the verse and the word Sham appeared, I had looked up at Qari Sahib with astonishment unprecedented. Then I had gotten up from my chair and gone down in sajda on the floor. Damascus was where the heart felt contentment and where Allah Subhanahu inspired His Beloved Servant to go and that is where he was promised focus on Him. Effortlessly!

 

Subhan Allah times a billion doesn’t cut it in terms of how the verse makes me feel in terms of boundless joy!

 

It is what made me start paying close attention to what my nafs was doing in Lahore. I discovered that it listened to the qalb and batin at least, thank Heavens. Probably just staring at them. Previously it would sprint in the other direction before they could get a word out. Maybe it was deaf and didn’t even hear their call. Maybe it was blind so it didn’t even see them.

 

For eons before that, I’m certain it forgot they even existed.

But I knew one thing with certainty. I was no longer turning my back to them. If I didn’t move towards them, I didn’t move away either. Lucky for me they possessed the Attributes of the Divine. They were Sabir, patient and Lateef, subtle, Barr, kind and Haleem, extremely sensitive and understanding of the state of the other, not hasty to punish.

 

And yet for most of my life, my nafs had turned its back to them!

  

The Ones who know their Lord

 

قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ

الدُّنْيَا سِجْنُ الْمُؤْمِنِ

 

Said the Messenger of Allah (salutations and greetings upon him and his family who are the key to blessings from their Lord),

 

“The world is a prison for the believer.”

 

“The world is a prison for the Mo’min. Thus when he will forget that prison, only then will he gain freedom for it.”

 

Those who attain to faith are in that prison (of the world) while those who gain Ma’rifa, Recognition of Allah Subhanahu, are in a state of intoxication.

 

Therefore they are entirely unaware of that prison because indeed, their Lord has made them sip the Drink of His Love for Him, and the Drink of His Affection for Him, and the Drink of His Desire for Him and the Drink of obliviousness from Creation and they are only mindful of Him so they became detached from the prison and its inmates.”

 

Ghaus Pak (ra)

 

The qalb and the batin, they were like the Arif, the one who knows his Lord. He is different from the Mo’min. He only believes in Him.

 

Al Fath Ar Rabbani:

 

“It is narrated by some Friends of Allah who say, ‘No one laughs at the Fasiq, the defiantly disobedient, except the Arif.’

Yes it is true, the Arif enjoins towards goodness and forbids evil and bears his pain and no one has power to do this except the Arifoon of Allah Azzo Jal, where as the Zahid, the ones detached from the world and its occupants and Ubaad, the worshippers and Muridoon, the followers, cannot do this – (they cannot) enjoin towards goodness, forbid the evil and (they cannot) bear the pain of the Fasiq, the one who sins openly.”

 

I paused. The Zahid and Abid and Mureed were all highly evolved states. But in any given point, they could lose their patience and temper with the Fasiq. They could be judgemental and vengeful. I was about to be told why. It was related to deficiency in akhlaq!

 

“And why would they not have mercy on the disobedient when they are in actual, upon the place of rahma, mercy and the station of tauba, repentance and uzr, pardon (so they are able to accept that repentance and pardon them).

 

The Arif, his akhlaq, manners, are the Ettiquettes of Allah Azzo Jal so the Arif strives in freeing the neck of the sinner from the grip of Satan and his nafs and desires. When one of you sees their child imprisoned in the hand of the kafir, the denier of truth, does he not struggle to free him? Such is the Arif.

All of Creation is like a family of children. The Arif addresses them by a tongue full of wisdom…”

 

Then Ghaus Pak (ra) quoted the following verse and I translated his tafseer of it:

 

‏ٱدْعُ إِلَىٰ سَبِيلِ رَبِّكَ بِٱلْحِكْمَةِ وَٱلْمَوْعِظَةِ ٱلْحَسَنَةِ ۖ

 

Call to the Way of your Lord with the wisdom and the instruction that is beautiful.

Surah An Nahl, Verse 125

 

Tafseer e Jilani

 

Then pointed Allah Subhanahu towards the perfecting of honouring His Beloved (salutations of peace be upon the one given the highest station by his Lord) and the majesty of his rank and the discipline of his etiquette and completing his wisdom and Messengerhood and and making for everyone his kindness and his mercy as the gathering of kindness for all and sufficient for all Creation because he is sent in totality as mercy, Rahma, and he is the seal of the Prophethood and Messengerhood and the completer of the matter of religion and its perfection because the reason behind making the religion and the descent of the Books of Revelation and sending the Messengers, it is only to manifest his rank and his station, which is the inviting to the Essence of Tauheed, Tauheed Az Zaati.

 

And when this becomes clear, the Essence of One-ness, Tauheed e Zaati, is completed and perfected, so that’s why He revealed the verse in his honour, ٱلۡیَوۡمَ أَكۡمَلۡتُ لَكُمۡ دِینَكُمۡ, Today I have perfected your religion for you, Surah Al Maidah - Verse 3 and this is almost the last verse revealed in the Quran and Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him and his family) said: بُعِثْتُ لِاُتَمِّمَ مَکَارِمَ الْاَخْلَاق “I have been sent to perfect good character.”

 

So Subhanahu said addressing him giving him a special rank close to Him and honouring him:

 

Udu’: Call, Ya Akmal Ar Rusul, O Messenger who perfects the Messengers (salutations and greetings upon your ranks and the ranks bestowed upon your blessed family by your Lord)…

 

Ila sabeeli Rabbika: to the Way of your Lord i.e. towards the Way of the Tauheed, the One-ness of your Lord, who instructed you to the ascension of His Blessings and guided you to the perfection of His Dignity, (call) all Creation and all worshippers…

 

Bil hikmati: with wisdom, utmost which is for their hearts which are hard from following, (the following) which is inherited and unchanging for them from their previous generations,

1.(it is a wisdom) which cleanses their selves from the conceited stubbornness of egoism of ignorance lodged in them,

2.which (that wisdom) will empty them from the idea of fully controlling (others) and overpowering them,

3. (it will remove) the ignorance which invokes in them different kinds of symptoms of the nafs, ego, layered in them from their being human,

4.(this wisdom) removes all kinds of doubts and imaginations that arise from the (everyday) sources of our routines,

5. (a wisdom) convincing and suitable for the real nature which Mankind has been set upon the hope that they will consider and become aware of the demands of their foundation and nature…

 

Wal mauwadatil hasana: and (call all Creation and all worshippers) with a refined exaltation which they have inherited to awaken them from the nodding off of heedlessness and the sleep of forgetfulness.

The outcome for them (from this wisdom and refined exaltation) is love and bliss towards their Lord who gave them origin and created them.

1.It propels them towards the tastes of spirituality everlasting and forever, continuing eternally without disappearance and disconnect,

 

2.making them feel repelled from that which is upon them as disability

 

3.and (repelled from) the shackles of incapacity which have the taste of paranoia, vanishing and ending, resulting in different kinds of sufferings and sadness and regret.

 

Al Fath Ar Rabbani (cont’d):

 

… All of Creation is like a family of children. The Arif addresses them by a tongue full of wisdom, then has mercy upon them because they are informed of certain knowledge so he sees the work of Allah Al Haqq Azzol Jal in them. He sees through the door of wisdom and knowledge, how destiny and fate are unfolding, but he keeps it hidden.

 

The Arif talks to them, Creation, with wisdom which is what is either commanded (by Allah Azzo Jal) and (what is) forbidden. He does not mention the knowledge because it is a secret.”

I had never before read the qualities of the Arif. My heart ached with the envy that they possessed softness and mercy at all times for all people, regardless of why they were and what they did. 24/7 – only kindness emerged from them.

 

The reasons were two: One, their manners and character were perfect, perfected for them by their Lord, for they were set upon His Own Akhlaq. That standard was first bestowed to His Beloved (salutations and greetings upon his blessed being and his family by The One who gives them the highest rank in Creation). Two, they could see the destiny of the person, where they were going to crash and why they were going to burn.

 

Subhan Allah!

 

All I felt was ill-will in the false imaginings that were the root of possibilities. But I’m getting ahead of myself…

 

Continued on: www.flickr.com/photos/42093313@N00/52652388955/in/datepos...

 

Link: youtu.be/4ZpCTN25Va8

 

#AskYounusAlGohar - How does God grant guidance to human beings?

 

Main Points:

 

- There is a method for every action. If you want to buy a TV, you must go to the seller, ask for the price and pay for it and then bring it home with you. The big brands like Samsung, Sony, LG etc have different outlets and showrooms where they sell their TVs and you can go there and buy them.

 

- In a similar way, God grants guidance to human beings through his representatives. They are called Spiritual Guides. God grants them the permission to pass on guidance.

 

- The Spiritual Guide takes your appearance to God and asks God to befriend you. If God accepts you he will attach two angel-like creatures with you who help to enter God's name into the beating system of your heart. Once God's name enters your heart and Divine Light begins to generate therein you have obtained guidance from God.

 

- The Spiritual Guide is very important because you cannot reach God by yourself. God said in the Koran that one whom he wishes to misguide will be deprived of finding a Spiritual Guide.

article courtesy

 

www.ezsoftech.com/islamic/abbas1.asp

 

Hazrat Abbas was born at Medina on 7th Rajab/4th Shabaan 26 A.H.(645 A.D.). When the news of his birth reached Hazrat Ali, he prostrated himself on the ground as a token of his humble thanks to God. Imam Hussain took the baby in his arms and recited the Azan and Eqamat (Calls for Prayers) in his right and left ears respectively. Then the new born baby opened his eyes to see the beloved face of Imam Hussain. On the seventh day of his birth the ceremony of Aqeeqa (which is one of the emphasized Sunnats) was performed and Hazrat Ali named the child 'Abbas'.

 

A similar incident took place at the time of the birth of Hazrat Ali. He only opened his eyes when the Holy Prophet took him in his arms.

 

Abbas up-bringing

 

It was the desire of Hazrat Ali that this son whom he named 'Abbas' (Meaning a Dauntless Lion) would accomplish the same deeds of valour and who would follow his teachings without fear of life and death. It was also his wish that Abbas would be a constant companion of Imam Hussain and be his Standard Bearer at Kerbala.

 

Hazrat Ali who himself was known as 'The Lion of God' and the 'Gateway of Knowledge' brought up Hazrat Abbas and ably guided him till he was fourteen years old. The next ten years were spent under the careful eye of Imam Hasan and the last ten years with Imam Hussain. Thus it was not surprising that Hazrat Abbas acquired near perfection in so many spheres of life. His gallantry, boldness, courageous outlook, and the art of combat and soldiery were inherited from Hazrat Ali, and this he proved very well in the battles of Jamal, Siffin and Nahrwan. Imam Hasan taught him patience and tolerance. His Lion-hearted loyalty and self-sacrificing nature were the result of his association with Imam Hussain and Janab-e-Zainab. Physically, mentally, morally and spiritually he was fully developed, besides, being an accomplished scholar.

 

He helped the poor and needy, and discharged his duties towards his fellow-beings according to the precepts of Islam. He was pure in his thoughts, words and deeds, lest any of these should displease God. He lived strictly in accordance with the teachings of the Holy Quran and the sayings of the Holy Prophet.

 

Just as Ali was taught and trained by the Holy Prophet, so was Abbas taught and trained by Hazrat Ali. Ali fully knew the mysteries of life and death, and Abbas had fully imbibed the true spirit of Islam. A man who was brought up, educated and trained by Hazrat Ali could on no account be attached to this worldly life nor fear death, and Abbas fully justified this by his actions.

 

Hazrat Abbas married Lubaba, daughter of Obaidullah Ibne Abbas Ibne Abdul Muttalib, and had two sons, Fazl and Muhammad. Some sources say that Lubaba was present at Kerbala and their son Muhammad was martyred there.

 

At the death bed of Hazrat Ali (AS)

 

When Hazrat Ali was mortally wounded and lying on his deathbed, he sent for his entire family. Save Hazrat Abbas, he entrusted all to the care of his eldest son Imam Hasan. Then he heard Hazrat Abbas, hardly 12 years old, sobbing. Hazrat Ali asked him to come near him and gave his hand to his second son, Imam Hussain, saying "Hussain, this child I am entrusting to you. He will represent me on the Day of your supreme sacrifice and will lay down his life in defending you and your dear ones".

 

And turning to Hazrat Abbas, he had said: "Abbas, my child, I know your unbounded love for Hussain. Though you are too young to be told about it, when that day dawns, consider no sacrifice too great for Hussain and his children".

 

This was in 657 A.D. The occasion for the supreme sacrifice came on the battlefield of Kerbala in 680 A.D. when Hussain was poised against Yezid's forces. It was a battle of good against evil and right against wrong. And in the history of Islam, the battle of Kerbala has become an important landmark of supreme sacrifice, great courage and dedication to a just cause.

 

In the battle of Kerbala, Hazrat Abbas was Imam Hussain's commander-in-chief. He fought the evil forces of Yezid gallantly, remembering his father's last words. The story of the sacrifice of his life in trying to procure water for Imam Hussain's children on the battlefield is the most touching and significant in Islamic history.

 

The Life of Hazrat Abbas is an example of unflinching loyalty and love for a brother. It is also the story of a warrior who sacrificed his life for the cause of Islam, which, according to Hazrat Abbas, was a just cause.

 

The warrior at Siffin

 

Hazrat Ali's desire was to ensure that Hazrat Abbas preached the religion of Islam and served the Prophet's family. Hazrat Abbas saw his first battle when only eleven. This was the battle of Siffin. One day he appeared fully disguised, masked and armoured, on the battlefield. When Ibn-e-Shasa, a brave and famous Syrian fighter saw this masked person, he asked one of his seven sons to slay him. Instead, the son was quickly put down. Similarly, the other six sons tried to fight this masked warrior, but they all met the same fate. Finally lbn-e-Shasa himself came forward and the manner in which he was also beaten, made all the other people stare in disbelief. They then thought this masked fighter to be Hazrat Ali, and no one dared to come forward to fight. But, when Hazrat Abbas removed the mask, people were surprised to note that he was not Hazrat Ali, but instead, Abbas, the inheritor of Hazrat Ali's gallantry.

 

Hazrat Abbas devotion, respect and affection for Imam Hussain was so deep, that he used to worship the very ground he walked on. In fact, it is said that he used to apply to his eyes, the dust from Imam Hussain's feet. He resented anyone taking precedence in serving Imam Hussain. It is said that once Imam Hussain, while present with his Holy father Hazrat Ali in the mosque of Kufa, felt thirsty and asked for water from his servant Qumber. The child Abbas leapt to his feet, and brushing aside the faithful servant, rushed to bring the water for his master himself. In the hurry to carry the water as quickly as possible, he spilt it on his own clothes. His illustrious father stopped in his speech and tears rolled down his cheeks.

 

When asked by his faithful followers the reason for his tears, Hazrat Ali uttered those prophetic words which came true some twenty years later: "Abbas who has today wetted his clothes with water in his zeal to quench the thirst of his brother Hussain, will one day soak his very body in his on blood in attempting to quench the thirst of Imam Hussain's children".

 

His devotion to Imam Hussain (AS) at Kerbala

 

He stayed beside Imam Hussain ever since they left Medina and was loved by all the members of the Imam's family. He was so devoted to Imam Hussain, that when Shimr lbne Ziljoshan, the second-in-command of Yezid's army came towards Imam Hussain's camp and called out: "Where are my nephews, Abbas, Abdullah Jafar and Usman ?" Hazrat Abbas refused to reply. It was only after Imam Hussain told him "Answer him, because, despite the fact that he is corrupt he is also one of your relatives" that Hazrat Abbas asked Shimr what he wanted. Shimr replied: "0, my nephews, I have specially asked Obaidullah Ibne Ziad for the safety of you all. So why do you wish to kill yourselves with Hussain? Why do you not join the forces of the mighty Yezid?"

 

Hazrat Abbas looked at him with contempt and retorted, "May God's wrath fall upon you and upon your proposition, 0, enemy of God! How dare you counsel us to desert our master, Imam Hussain and tie ourselves up with the corrupt and misguided Yezid?" Shimr turned round and went away angrily.

 

Another attempt was also made to get Hazrat Abbas away to the camp of Yezid, for in their heart of hearts, they were mortally afraid of his valour and bravery.

 

Jareer bin Abdullah was a courtier of Ibne-Ziad, the Governor of Kufa, and had much influence on him. Ummul Baneen, the mother of Abbas, was a cousin of Jareer, who was fully convinced that Hussain and his companions would be slaughtered in cold blood. He also did not like the idea of his four nephews (Abbas, Abdulla, Ja'far and Usman) being massacred along with Hussain. He appealed to Ibne-Ziad, to spare the lives of his nephews. Ibne-Ziad granted this request and Jareer immediately wrote to Abbas asking him and his brothers to give up the company of Hussain and come over to lbne-Ziad and to save their lives as the time was very critical. He sent this letter through a person named Irfan. The messenger handed over this confidential letter to Abbas, who having read it was hardly able to control his fury. He tore the letter to shreds, and informed Irfan, "Go away at once and tell my uncle, Jareer bin Abdullah, that we will never desert Hussain and we will never seek protection from Ibne-Ziad. We seek help from God Almighty, and we are ready to sacrifice our lives for our beloved Hussain and Islam."

 

When Irfan gave this message to Jareer, he was very much disappointed and sad. He had been over-confident that Abbas would accept his invitation; apparently he had forgotten that Abbas was the son of the 'Lion of God' who cared more for Islam and Hussain than his own life.

 

On the eve of Ashoora as Hazrat Abbas sat sharpening his sword in his tent, his sister, Umme Kulsum came to him and with tears in her eyes said to him: "I cannot make any sacrifice for my dear brother Imam Hussain. who is surrounded by enemies. Zainab has two sons whom she will sacrifice for Hussain; Qasim will represent his father Imam Hasan; Umme Lailah will send her son Ali Akber into the battle-field; even Rabab is going to sacrifice her infant son, Ali Ashgar; but I have no children, and being a woman I am not permitted to fight. People will remember all these brave ladies, and sing their praises. But I have no one whom I can offer on my behalf." At this Hazrat Abbas consoled her and said, "Do not worry, dear sister. You have brought me up since childhood and you have loved me as a mother. I will sacrifice myself on your behalf. In the morning Umme Kulsum took her brother Abbas to Imam Hussain and said, "Let my brother Abbas fight for you on my behalf and he is my sacrifice for you and Islam."

 

When at last after great persuasion, Imam Hussain gave him permission to fetch water for the thirsty children, Hazrat Abbas set out with a leather bag and the Standard.

 

The fight to reach the river

 

The towering form of Abbas and his fame as a warrior throughout Arabia, had created much tenor amongst the enemy. When this 'Dauntless Lion' made his appearance on the field, the enemy tried its best to prevent him from reaching the river. He stood in front of them boldly and bravely and addressed them as follows:

 

"We are ourselves the swords of the Hashimite tribe and are sharper than the sharpest edges to shed your blood. 0, sons of the opposers of right I Alas, if our grandfather, the Holy Prophet had survived and seen the calamities that his progeny has been made to suffer, he would truly be ashamed of you. Death under swords is glorifying when Paradise is the fruit. Cursed be this world and its transitory pleasures. You will all roast in the fires of Hell."

 

Hearing these words, the enemy attacked him from all sides. Abbas, the dauntless lion, fell upon them with a loud roar. He slaughtered every person that came within his reach. In the forces of Omar bin Saad, there was one person named Marid bin Sudaif. When he saw that Abbas was playing havoc and killing the best soldiers of Yezid, he got very wild, and angrily said, "It is an occasion of great shame and regret that one Hashimite has been causing so much destruction. He is alone. We are numberless. Look at our numerical strength. If each one of you takes up a handful of dust and throws it on his face, he shall die of suffocation. All of you are cowards. Retreat. Let me alone fight with Abbas. I shall kill him in no time." So saying, he ran towards Abbas with a big lance in his hand. Abbas also moved from his place to try his strength and skill with Marid bin Sudaif who boasted of his chivalry, courage and manliness and who was over-confident of his victory. He said to Abbas contemptuously, "Abbas return and do not fight. If you fight with me, you shall perish. I take pity on you because you are so young and tender. Go away at once and live a peaceful and happy life. Remember that those persons who have fought with you till now and whom you have killed so easily did not possess the necessary dash. Know that you are no match for me. A word is enough for the wise. Retreat if you want to save your life."

 

Abbas, the dauntless lion and the Moon of the Bani Hashim, listened to Marid bin Sudaif patiently from the beginning to the end. When he had finished his oration Abbas said boldly, "0, enemy of God! It is quite impossible for me to agree to your terms. You cannot ruin me but you shall yourself be ruined. Those who die for God live forever; those who fight against God perish forever. Blessed are those who sacrifice their lives for the pleasure of God. Rest assured that you can never succeed in misleading and misguiding me. You are aware of my connection with the Prophet. A son of Ali, the Lion of God, can neither tremble nor retreat. He can never submit to evil forces. He can never be afraid of any enemy however strong and powerful he may be. Remember that the secret of a man's greatness lies in his unshakeable faith in God. He should always be grateful to the Almighty God in whatever circumstances he may be; God's ways are inscrutable. Whatever He does is always the best. I am not in the least displeased with my fate. I am fully conscious of whatever lies in store for me. I can never weep over the loss of this world and try to escape death when it comes to me I will rather welcome Death if it comes to me in the way of God. I shall submit to Death cheerfully, joyfully and happily, for Paradise Is a much happier abode than this world. This world is not a place worth living. Fortunate is he who dies for Islam." Marid bin Sudaif lost his balance of mind at this cutting reply. He never expected such a bold reply from a person who was surrounded by the mighty and strong forces of Yezid. He regretted that his appeal did not produce the desired effect. It fell on deaf ears. He was thunderstruck at the audacity and exceptional chivalry of Abbas at this moment of mortal danger, Abbas who was so cool, calm, unperturbed and dignified. He fully realised the gravity of the situation and within the twinkling of an eye, he charged Abbas and attacked him with his lance. Abbas did not lose his presence of mind. He stood his ground. He caught hold of the lance and pulled it so hard that Marid bin Sudaif who had boasted of his valour and over-confidence lost not only his grip on the lance but also his balance on the saddle. Abbas succeeded in snatching his lance. Marid fell, to the ground. Without losing a single moment, Abbas wounded the horse of Marid so severely that it was unfit for further action. Shimr had minutely and carefully observed the awkward position in which Marid had been placed. If he did not get immediate assistance, his condition would be perilous. So Shimr acted quickly, and cried out to Sariqa (a faithful and obedient servant of Marid) to take another horse to his master. Sariqa obeyed the orders of Shimr implicitly. No sooner did Marid see his slave with a horse than he asked him to come quickly lest death should overtake pain.

 

Abbas acted very wisely. He rode to the slave very swiftly and threw him down with a stroke of the lance, which he had taken from Marid. He then went to meet Marid once more. When Marid saw this strange sight, he was very much frightened. He cried in despair, 'Alas, Abbas will kill me with my own lance Shimr observed this peculiar situation. He advanced on his own horse. Sinan-bin-Anas-Nakai, Khooli bin Yezidi Asbahi and Jamal bin Maliki-Hajazi accompanied him. Then Yezids full cavalry with drawn swords followed him. But Abbas wounded the hand of Marid with a blow of his lance before these persons could give him any help. Marid appealed to Abbas to spare his life and he promised to become his slave. But Abbas turned down his appeal and struck his lance so forcibly in one of his ears that it came out of the other. Marid died in that wretched condition. It was indeed a very miserable death. Abbas then fell upon the soldiers who had been posted to guard the banks of the Euphrates. He killed many of them. The rest fled for their lives, confounded and perplexed. Abbas reached the bank of the river and began to fill the leather bag. In spite of his thirst, he refused to drink water, and even his horse did likewise. He then lifted the leather bag and hung it on his shoulder.

 

In the meantime, the archers and other soldiers who had fled away in utter confusion came back again and tried to check Abbas from taking water to Hussain's camp. It was a bloody battle, but Abbas was not a man either to lose courage or accept defeat. His one thought was to reach this water to the thirsty children waiting anxiously for his return.

 

Although he was out numbered and surrounded by the enemy, he decided not to submit. He fought bravely, but the odds were very much against him, and ultimately he was martyred.

 

Blood on the sand

 

The shifting sand-dunes of Kerbala were smeared with blood. Near one of those dunes, on the bank of the Euphrates, lay the prostrate figure of a youth with blood gushing out from innumerable wounds. The crimson life-tide was ebbing fast. Even so, it seemed as if he was anxiously expecting somebody to come to him, to be near him before he breathed his last. Through his parched throat he was feebly calling somebody Yes, Abbas was anxiously expecting his master to come to him before he parted with his life, as he had come to the side of all his devoted friends who had laid down their dear lives for him in this noble cause.

 

It is said that before a man dies all the past events of his life pass before his mind's eye in a flashback. In his last moments, Abbas saw the events of his life. He saw himself as a child in Medina following Hussain with a devotion which was considered unique even for a brother. He saw the events of that hot and sultry day in Kufa when his illustrious father Ali was addressing a congregation in the mosque and he as a child with his characteristic devotion, was looking at the face of his beloved brother, watching him intently, so that he could attend to his wishes as if they were an instant command. Seeing from the parched lips of Hussain that he was feeling extremely thirsty, how he had darted out from the mosque and returned with a tumbler full of cool, refreshing water and in the hurry to carry the water as quickly as possible, how he had spilt it on his own clothes. He recalled now the prophetic words of his father and understood how true they were at this moment of his end.

 

He was vividly seeing the scene on the 21st Ramazan, way back in 40A.H., when his father, mortally wounded, was lying on his death-bed and entrusting his children and dependants to the care of his eldest brother, Hasan all except him. Seeing that his father had commended all but him to the care of Hasan, how he, a child of twelve had burst out into uncontrollable tears. His father on hearing him sobbing had called him to his side and given his hand in Hussain's hand with the words, "Hussain, this child I am entrusting to you. He will represent me on the day of your supreme sacrifice and lay down his life in defending you and your dear ones." How his father had turned to him and affectionately told him; "Abbas, my child, I know your unbounded love for Hussain. Though you are too young to be told about it, when that day dawns, consider no sacrifice too great for Hussain and his children." He saw before his mind's eye the parting with his aged mother Fatima in Medina; how she had affectionately embraced him and reminded him of the dying desire of his father to lay down his life in the defence of Hussain and his dear ones.

 

A faint smile of satisfaction flickered for a brief moment on his parched lips, a smile of satisfaction that he had fulfilled his father's wish; that he had performed his duty for which he was brought up. It just flitted for a moment and vanished as other scenes came before his mind's eye. He was re-living the events of the night before. He was seeing Shimr stealthily coming to him and talking to him about his ties of relationship; about the protection he had been promised for Abbas by the Commander of Yezid's forces only if he would leave Hussain and go over to Yezid's camp; about the promises of riches and rewards that he would get; how he had spurned the suggestion of Shimr with the utmost disdain to the chagrin of that servile minion who had sold his soul for a mess of pottage. How he had scared away that coward by his scathing rage, saying "You worshipper of Mammon, do not think that Abbas will be lured by your tempting offers of power and pelf. If I die in defending my Master, Hussain, I shall consider myself the luckiest person. Oh coward, remember that valiant die but once. Nobody is born to live eternally. By betraying my master, you have betrayed the Prophet, whose religion you profess to follow. On the Day of Judgement you will be doomed to eternal perdition." (I am ashamed to own any relationship with you). Had it not been for the fact that you have come here unarmed, I would have given you the chastisement you deserve for your impudence in asking me to become a turncoat." How that wretch had scampered away seeing him roaring like an enlarged lion! The thought of that unpleasant interlude wrinkled his brows. Or was it the excruciating pain he was suffering on account of the deep gashes he had all over his body?

 

Yet another scene passed before Abbas's eyes. The children were shouting as if in chorus "thirst, consuming thirst, is killing us." Sakina coming to him and putting her dry water-bag at his feet and saying to him "0 uncle. I know you will do something to get water for us. Even if you can bring one bag full, we can wet our parched throats." He could see that thirst aggravated by the scorching heat of the desert, was squeezing their young lives out of them. The sight of these young children had moved him more than any other soul-stirring event of that fateful day. How he had picked up the water-bag with assurances to Sakina that he would go and bring water, God Willing. How he had taken Hussain's permission and marched out of the camp with a sword in one hand, the flag in the other and the water-bag on his shoulder, with the children following him in a group unto the outer-perimeter of the camp. How Hussain had repeatedly requested him to avoid lighting as much as possible and confine himself to the task of bringing water!

 

His thoughts switched over to the events that had preceded his fall from the horse. With the thought of procuring water for his dear little Sakina, he had slain Marid bin Sudaif a champion from Yezid's army, and how he had charged on the enemy who held the river banks. He had run through the enemy ranks like a knife through butter. Against his surging onslaught the enemy could not stand and had run helter-skelter shouting for protection. For a moment it seemed as if Ali, the Lion of God, had descended from Heaven. In no time Abbas was near the water. (He had jumped down from the horse and bent to fill the water-bag). When it was filled to the brim, he had taken some water in his cupped hands to drink to satisfy his killing thirst. But on second thought, he bad thrown the water away. How could he drink water when Sakina and the children were still withering without water? He had turned to his horse, which had been let loose so that it could satiate its thirst. The animal had been intently looking at its master as if to say "I too am aware that so long as our Master and his children remain without water, our thirst cannot be quenched."

 

Fought Valiantly

 

With the water-bag filled, he jumped on horseback with one thought uppermost in his mind, to get the water for the anxiously waiting children as quickly as possible. Seeing him galloping towards the camp of Hussain, the enemy turned. Somebody shouted from the enemy ranks that if Hussain and his people got water, it would be difficult to fight them on the battlefield. Though it was an unequal fight, he fought them with valour, which was a characteristic of his father.

 

Seeing that a frontal assault on a man so brave was not possible, they resorted to a barrage of arrows. Abbas had only one thought in his mind-how best to protect the water-bag? To him it seemed more important to protect the water-bag than to protect his life. Seeing Abbas thus preoccupied, one treacherous foe, hiding behind a sand-dune rushed out and dealt a blow on his right hand and cut it off. In a flash Abbas transferred his sword to his left hand and the standard he was bearing, he hugged to his chest. Now that the lion of All was crippled, the foes found courage to surround him. A blow from an enemy's sword severed his left arm. The odds were now mounting against him. He held the bag with his teeth and protected the flag with his chest bent on the horse.

 

Now the paramount thought in his mind was to reach the camp somehow or the other. A silent prayer escaped his lips: "Merciful Allah, spare me long enough to fulfil my mission." But that was not to be. An arrow pierced the water-bag and water started gushing out of it. All his efforts had been in vain. The enemies who had made bold to surround him, now gathered thickly round him. One of them came near him and struck a mortal blow with an iron club. He reeled over and fell from the horse.

 

Master come to me

 

He tossed on the burning sand with excruciating pain. He felt that life was fast ebbing out but his wish to see his Master had remained unfulfilled. With one last effort, he shouted: "0 my Master, do come to me before I die." As if in answer to his prayers, he felt footsteps near him. Yes, his instinct told him that it was his Master.

 

He felt his Master kneeling down besides him, lifting his head and taking it into his lap. Not a word was said for a few seconds, because both were shaken with emotion. At last he heard Hussain's voice, a half-sob, half-muffled cry: "Abbas my brother, what have they done to you?"

 

Abbas now felt the loving touch of his Master's hand. With great effort he muttered "You have come at last, my Master. I thought I was not destined to have a last look at you but, thank God, you are here."

 

Hussain burst into a flood of tears. The sight of his brother, whose name was to became a byword for devotion and unflinching faithfulness, laying down his precious life in his arms, was heart-rending.

 

Abbas was heard to whisper softly: "My Master, I have some last wishes to express. When I was born, I had first looked at your face and it is my last desire that when I die, my gaze may be on your face. My one eye is pierced by an arrow and the other is filled with blood. If you will clear the eye I will be able to see you and fulfil my last dying desire. My second wish is that when I die, you should not carry my body to the camp. I had promised to bring water to Sakina and since I have failed in my attempts to bring her water, I cannot face her even in death. Besides, I know that the blows that you have received since morning have all but crushed you and carrying my body to the camp will be back-breaking work for you. And my third wish is that Sakina may not be brought here to see my plight. I know with what love and affection she is devoted to me. The sight of my dead body lying here will kill her."

 

My Brother! My Brother!

 

Hussain sobbingly promised him that he would carry out his last wishes and added "Abbas, I too have a wish to be fulfilled. Since childhood you have always called me Master. For once at least call me brother with your dying breath." The blood was cleared from the eye, one brother looked at the other with a long lingering look. Abbas was heard to whisper: "My brother, my brother!" and with these words he surrendered his soul to his Maker. Hussain fell unconscious on the dead body of Abbas with a cry.

 

The flow of the Euphrates became dark as winter and a murmur arose from the flowing waters as if to protest against the killing of a thirsty water-bearer on its banks, the beloved "Moon of the Hashimites."

 

Alas, the beloved Hazrat Abbas (A.S.) was martyred in the prime of his youth at the age of 35, on the 10th Moharram, in the year 61 A.H. (680 A.D.).

 

Pilgrimage to his Mausoleum

 

AlamdarIt is almost fourteen hundred years since this tragedy occured at Kerbala, and still tens of thousands of pilgrims keep going there year after year, from all parts of the Muslim world to pay their respects to the gallant Abul Fazl Abbas (Moon of the Hashimites) at his magnificent Mausoleum.

 

They offer salutations and pray to Allah for their needs, seeking his intercession, for this is a place where so many vows have been fulfilled and where so many miracles have taken place.

 

Many a devotee has willed that he be buried in this holy place and so often one sees the sight of a coffin being carried a few times round the tomb of Hazrat Abbas (A.S.) and taken to the alloted place of burial in Kerbala at this wonderful shrine.

 

Holy Qur'an Says: "And if you are slain in the way of Allah or you die, certainly forgiveness from Allah and mercy is better than what they amass." (3:157)

 

The Alam and its significance

 

AlamDuring the time of the Moharram Majlises, usually on the 8th, it has become a sort of custom to recite the events leading to the martyrdom of Hazrat Abbas. And when the Alams (replica of the Banner or Standard of the Holy Prophet and the Holy Imams) are taken out, accompanied to the beating of breasts and heads by the mourners, one will notice a Mashk (a leather water-bag), usually made of metal in remembrance of Hazrat Abbas, who sacrificed his life trying to get water for the children of Imam Hussain, who were dying of thirst.

 

When Hazrat Abbas rolled down from his horse after a mortal blow on his head, the Alam and the Mashk stayed linked together and never got separated. Hence one sees an Alam with a Maslik attached to it, and sometimes one also sees an arrow alongside it.

 

A Towering personality

 

Hazrat Abbas was a towering and handsome personality. His dauntless courage, supreme confidence and unflinching loyalty earned him many titles. He was called, "Qamar-e-Bani Hashim" (Moon of the Hashimites), because of his imposing appearance. His remarkable horsemanship made him "Syed-ul-Forosan" (the chief of horsemen). His ability to lead people resulted in his being called "Rais-ul-Shujan" (the leader of the valiant), and the manner in which he sacrificed his life earned him the title of Afzal-ul-Shohada" (the choicest of the martyrs) and "Saqqa" (water carrier), because he sacrificed his life in an effort to procure water for Imam Hussain's children in the tragic battle a Kerbala. He fully lived up to his name Abbas, which in Arabic stands for Lion.

 

Salutations

 

As Salaamo alaika yub-ne Amir-il-Momeneen,

As Salanmo alaika aiyyo-hul Abdus-Saleh,

Al-mootee-oo lillahey wa ley Rasooley-hee,

Ash hadau anneka qad jaa-hadta Wa ne-sah-ta,

Wa sabarta hatta a-taa kal yaqeen

La a-nalla-hooz zaaleymeena lakoom minal,

Awwaleena wal aakheyreen,

Wal haqahoom bey dar kil jaheem.

 

Salutations be unto thee, O son of Commander of the Faithful;

Salutations be unto thee, O virtuous servant, obedient to God and His Messenger;

I bear witness that thou didst truly fight the Holy War,

And thou didst help the cause of Faith;

And thou didst patiently endure

Until the certainty (of death) came upon thee.

May God deprive those who wronged thee of His Mercy.

Whether they may have been of the first or the last (i.e., all of them);

And may He consign them to the nethermost regions of Hell;

Salutations and the Mercy and Blessings of God be upon thee, (O beloved Moon of the Hashimites).

 

"As Salaamo ala ya Abul Fazl Abbas ibne Aliyin Amiril Momeneen wa Rahmatullahey wa Barakaatuh."

 

"Peace be upon thee O Abul Fazl Abbas, son of Hazrat Ali, Commander of the Faithful, and the Mercy of Allah and His Bounties."

thegrangehall.com/2009/03/23/communication/#more-1028

"Telephone companies have been abandoning their public telephone booths by taking out the phones and leaving the structures beehind. (Probably due to the rise in cell phone users.) I want to reuse these structures as a way of communication with the public once more by replacing that empty space with paper-mache beehives. To me, this symbolizes the irony beehind the question, 'where have so many of the bees gone' and the theory that cell phone signals have been misguiding their normal patterns of migration"

  

I meet beggars and it is a cosmic attachment with people and my surroundings he was trying to collect money for his sons operation..and it was on the high side ,,but he was full of hope and told me that Mumbai people have a heart..I wanted to tell him it is not the heart but the heartbeat that sensitizes the poetry of the human soul ,, I gave him what I could ,,

Mostly these street stories I shoot are stories of doom.. and I read too much Dickens Zola George Gissing ,,Balzac and I encounter those characters in my tales ,,I met Uriah Heep I met Aunt Pegotty I meet Mr Micawber the Fat Boy ,,

I meet Rastignac,,,through the corridors of my life ,, I am not much into writing but my pictures can be talkative enough ,,

And If I shot pictures to massage my soul .. to display my skill it would be terribly misguiding that is why I am not on Instagram Snapchat ,, I used to hate posting my pictures here on Facebook.. but I am now able to narrate here more than at Flickr the source of all my street stories .

I could never be a Press Photographer manipulating the poetry of Life following the same few crabs in a glass bottle ,, I gave up the regressive Camera Club which is nothing but a Madrsa of Photography in disguise.. I tell people go shoot your own pictures ,,and find a good Guru..a Guru is a must for ever photographer a Guru who will not always hold you bound as a disiple but make you a Guru too ,,

I was lucky I asked for one Guru , God in his Munificence gave me a Trinity

Father Son and Mr Malushte,, .The Father son being Mr KG Maheshwari and Prof Jatkar and I reiterate the best school of Photography is Flickr ,, what you learn there you wont ever learn anywhere else .

I never met this Kashmiri beggar again and I search for people I shot ,,but it is like searching for a fucked needle in a haystack.

But sometimes with your Tantric Kundalini you can force the moment to come back..

  

www.youtube.com/watch?v=3v7ZF0tqV2w&feature=youtu.be

www.youtube.com/watch?v=BwOWuRfV-A8

  

What part of "no" seems to misguide you,

To turn and go, from all of our problems,

It's time for a change,

Until we've broken,

Mistakes that we've made, right here

 

So take what we know, piece them together,

A puzzle unknown, heartless rebellion you casually show,

While I try holding on, attempts that I've made,

To keep you, still years to go

 

We have been lost, for more than a century ago,

But I will never let you go, never let you go

 

Remember the days,

When all of our troubles seemed miles away,

You'd guide me through lines of a colorless gray,

Until the dawn fought all the darkness away,

And swore that you'd never go

 

Hide your head low from the start,

While we all seem to fall apart,

This isn't love, this isn't love, this isn't love

 

We have been lost, for more than a century ago,

But I will never let you go, never let you go (x2)

 

Some things are better unsaid,

All these thoughts running through my head,

Know that I'll love you instead

This is the inner court of Hochosterwitz castle. The place as I depicted it here seems rather lonely. But that is misguiding. I wanted a picture free of people and so I had to wait several minutes until the place was free. Immediately behind me is the open air area of the restaurant that is located here. With at least 30 people sitting there at the time I took the picture.

 

Please click the image or press L to view it in Flickr's lightbox.

Road Prince

 

قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ

الْمُؤْمِنُ آلِفٌ مَأْلُوفٌ وَلا خَيْرَ فِيمَنْ لا يَأْلَفُ وَلا يُؤْلَفُ ، خَيْرُ النَّاسِ أَنْفَعُهُمْ لِلنَّاسِ

 

The Prophet of God (peace be upon him) said,

 

"The Mo’min is the one who loves and is loved.

And there is no goodness for the one who does not give love and receive love.

The best amongst people is the one who gives others benefit.

 

Recently life made me ponder the state of sadness and its relation with the ego. All of us experience sadness, then some of us become parked in that state, sometimes not even knowing it. Superficially we appear angry or numb, but over time it just turns into a deep selfishness that permeates the entire being, inward and outward. The curse of that selfishness manifests as a deprivation of ehsaas, sensitivity towards the state of another.

 

Then by the Mercy of God, enters affection or love or just compassion. For everyone. But can anyone really reduce another’s sadness, lessen selfishness? I used to think no, that the state has to exited by each one of us but I had forgotten.

 

Nothing happens without a waseela, a source. It is sent. Ability is granted. Answering the call of love is a shortcut for sure. But sometimes even love emanates from the ego instead of the heart. It is transient, it dissipates, it needs reciprocity to survive. And the proof is in the pudding!

 

Ghaus Pak (ra) says in the Tafseer e Jilani: The heart in which lies the seed of love, the fruit of that love is a witnessing; mushahida.

 

Everything difficult, traumatic that we go through, leaves a scar upon our heart even when we bury it, ignore it. The upside of the experience though is undeniable, the gift of resilience granted to us. We can survive pretty much anything. But ultimately the pain has to be shed otherwise we retreat, becoming invisible as it veils the heart, hardening it, making it seemingly impossible to pierce.

 

But then not all of us are like that.

 

A couple of weeks ago I saw a homeless man in a park, Bagh e Jinnah. My favourite hang now since I worked there to make the tables and definitely this fall when the weather will turn gorgeous and I will play there every single day. The cherry though was not the beauty of the green, the ancient trees, the variety of flora or the immaculate workmanship of hundreds of gardeners. It was the shrine of Hazrat Pir Sakhi Turat Murad Shah (ra). I couldn’t stop going there almost every single day after the first time.

 

One afternoon after my game I walked over to him.

 

“Salam,” I said sitting down on the steel bench opposite where he was lying down. “I see you sitting here all the time. I wondered if you need anything.”

 

He looked up at me and the first thing I noticed was the sweetness of his face. His tan was an olive complexion. His hair was short, light. It always covered with a baseball cap.

 

“No,” he said gently, sitting up. “I’m fine.”

 

“So what about the box?” I asked casually. “How come you bring that with you every day?”

 

I knew I was being intrusive. But it wasn’t out of curiosity. I actually wanted to know if he needed anything.

 

“My things are in it,” he said like it was the most normal thing in the world to carry your belongings around everywhere.

 

As I left I turned around and asked, “What’s your name?”

 

He hesitated for a second, then said, “Shaan.”

 

I smiled.

 

“Like the actor.”

 

He smiled back.

 

On another day I asked him again if he needed anything. He said no but when I insisted, he pointed at his sandals. One of them was broken. I bought him a new pair and a few t-shirts and short-sleeved button down shirts. He didn’t ask for any of it.

 

“Here!” I said, sitting down placing the bags next to him. “I hope you like them.”

 

He took each bag carefully, then opened the plastic covers that wrapped each item so slowly, I couldn’t help but notice the delicacy of his nature. He was nafees.

 

“They’re beautiful,” he said happily. “You have good taste. I saw your shirts that you play in. They’re nice.”

 

I thanked my lucky stars I had chosen everything for him myself.

 

When he tried the shoes though they were still too big. “I’m so sorry. I did tell my driver that they looked big. He isn’t getting the size right.”

 

Shaan glanced over at my feet. I was wearing my Bata sandals.

 

“That looks about right,” he said. “Let me try them.”

 

My nafs jumped. I’m a huge germophobe, the fear of dirt, on my feet specifically. bordering on OCD. I never ever walk around barefoot, except sometimes on grass and sand.

 

“Ummm,” my head thought until thankfully my heart kicked it in the head.

 

“Stop being disgusting and let him try the shoe.”

 

“Oh yes, of course,” I jumped up placing my shoe near his foot. He slipped it on and beamed.

 

“It’s a perfect fit.”

 

“I’ll have him change the shoe,” I said smiling back.

 

It was my driver, Usman, who informed me that Shaan was a woman. One day I sent a cooler for him with water and ice so he could keep it next to him when he called me.

 

“She isn’t here. I asked the guards and they said they haven’t seen her today. Should I wait or come back?”

 

“Come back,” I said ignoring the gender revelation.

 

Later when I was in the car I said, “So he’s a girl.”

 

“Ji,” he replied in the affirmative.

 

“Well, since he’s referring to himself as a male, let’s just do that,” I said.

 

“Okay,” he replied.

 

That was the beauty of a 2o some year old for a driver.

 

Everything about an individual related to gender identity and sexuality was cool, accepted with warmth by his generation, regardless of socio-economic background. It was ingrained through social media no doubt, which I believe is poison, but then I guess everything has its upside. My decades old driver, Sadulah, would have been freaking out for sure and driven me mad.

 

Another day or so later, again on my way back from the shrine, I went over to see Shaan.

 

“Salam,” I said, asking how he was, then ventured, “I was wondering Shaan, where do you live?”

 

“In the park,” he answered as if he was giving me an address in the city.

 

“But the park closes at 9.”

 

“Not this park,” he said. “The one in Shadman.”

 

I knew which park he was talking about. It was a grassy spot surrounded by markets on all sides.

 

“And bathrooms?” My curiosity started kicking in.

 

“I used to go to the Mosque but they said I can’t come unless I wear Shalwar Kamiz. I don’t have one.”

 

“Oh,” I thought. I wondered if they had figured out that he was a woman. Women don’t go to Mosques in Pakistan for some reason.

 

“So I just wash myself where there is a tap with my clothes on.”

 

“I was thinking,” I said gently. “It’s not the safest thing, living in a park I mean. Why don’t you find a place to live and I can pay for it.”

 

“If you could get me a job…” Shaan said instead.

 

I shook my head.

 

“I’m leaving the country next week for a month or so. I don’t know many people but I will try for sure. In the meantime, how about you find a place in the next couple of days. Is that possible?”

 

“Well,” he said, “I can share with someone and...”

 

“No, no,” I cut him off. “No sharing.”

 

I knew drivers and laborers who came into the cities from the villages, shared rooms, sometimes four people to a space, if not more. How would a woman live with them? Sounded like a nightmare.

 

“How old are you Shaan?” I asked. “If you don’t mind my asking.”

 

I don’t know why my manners finally kicked in.

 

“47,” he replied.

 

“What?” my jaw dropped. “You look like you’re 22.”

 

Later when I told my friends the story they said I look young too.

 

“Yeah,” I said rolling my eyes, “But I’m not living in a park. If I was I would be looking 65.”

 

“That’s true,” they all conceded.

 

That evening a friend of mine, Hiba, called to tell me she had some money she wanted to give to an orphanage and could I send it over to them. I started telling her about Shaan. Did she want to give any money towards settling him into an apartment?

 

She turned around and told me she had a workshop in the city where there was a room that could be fixed up for Shaan and he could live there. Her carpenters worked in the space from 9 till 6 and the rest of the time, the house was empty. A family lived in the back to take care of it. Shaan was welcome to live there she said.

 

“Super!” I said. “Can I bring him over soon?”

 

“Sure,” she said, “let’s go together tomorrow.”

 

The next day I went to see Shaan and suggested the idea, wondering if he would he be open to it. I was terrified he might become paranoid and disappear.

 

“She might even have a job for you,” I offered never having spoken so softly to anyone in my life. That’s the beauty of people who exude tenderness. They make you gentle with them. Suhbat! The number one factor that shapes and changes a human being at any age; company!

 

“Ok,” he said. “When?”

 

“Tomorrow,” I beamed. “She will come with me so we can go together.”

 

At 11am the following morning, I went to the park to pick up Shaan. I saw him walking towards me, drenched in sweat.

 

“Can I change my clothes before we go?” he asked.

 

“Oh, that’s not necessary,” I said. “We’re late and you’re fine.”

 

“No,” he insisted. “It will only take a minute.”

 

He turned around and walked to back to the pergola where his stuff was. He pulled off one of his tshirts, he was wearing two, and put on one of the new shirts. Then he wrapped what seemed like a sheet around his waist and changed his trousers. He fixed his hair and walked towards me looking fresh.

 

I smiled at him and we got into the car. At the gate of the park we met my friend and we set off to her workshop. My friend started asking Shaan questions about himself. Of course it started with the question every employer-to-be has.

 

“Do you have an ID card?” she asked warily.

 

“No,” Shaan answered. “I used to have one. Then it expired and I haven’t renewed it yet. But I will do that.”

 

“My driver can help you in terms of taking you to an office.” I offered. “It should be pretty straightforward.”

 

“And do you have a CV?” my friend asked.

 

“I made one,” Shaan said turning around to look at us from the front seat. “I have worked in boutiques, factories, shops. I used to teach in a school at one time. I’ve done many jobs. I can even fix electrical things,” he said smilingly.

 

“Cool,” I piped in.

 

“I’m also an artist. I like to write stories and poetry. I like drawing. I like many things,” he said.

 

“Wow! You seem to have done it all,” Hiba remarked. “Well this job will most likely be admin. Mostly coordination between my different projects. Ensuring deliveries are happening on time, checking the merchandise etc.”

 

“Like a foreman,” Shaan suggested.

 

“Yes, exactly like a foreman.” Then she asked, “Can I ask where all you have you have lived?”

 

“Many places, many parks.” he said, looking out the window.

“I’m a road prince.”

 

“Road prince!” I echoed from the back. “I like that title. I sometimes write stories too. I think I might write a story about you and call it that,” I said, waiting for him to react.

 

I could see him in the rear view mirror. He was still smiling.

 

The house was in Johar Town. Almost all the rooms were being used by the carpenters but on the second floor we found a room that was empty. It had a bathroom with it. The room was spacious with a large window. It needed to be cleaned.

 

“Let’s go sit in my office,” Hiba suggested.

 

While sitting there I suggested that Shaan go and buy whatever he needed from the market for himself. Hiba handed him a blank piece of paper.

 

“Here, you can make a list,” I gave him a pen.

 

He took the paper and placed it sideways. Next to him was a piece of wood about the size of a ruler. He took it and using the pen, started drawing horizontal lines on the page. I smiled and wondered what his zodiac was. His approach to everything was so detailed.

 

I gave him some money to buy the items and anything else that occurred to him and to use the rest to purchase food since the kitchen was not yet functional. There was a small stove connected to a cylinder which the carpenters used to make tea.

 

After leaving him, on the way home I told Usman how I liked his title for himself. “It’s cool.”

 

He told me Road Prince was the name of a model of a motor cycle.

 

When I had called him later in the evening to make sure he was settling in alright, he said to me excitedly. “I have all the receipts and I wrote down everything I got for you to see. I also got a shirt and pants. That will be my uniform for work which I will wear every day.”

 

“Nice,” I smiled thinking, who does that.

 

The next day, the first for Shaan in his new space, I went to see him. He wasn’t interacting with the rest of the workers in the house. They were trying to be friendly but he stayed in his room mostly. The job was going to start in a week or ten days because Eid was around the corner and everything would be closed. Till then he had nothing to do.

 

We sat in the office and talked. I asked him how he spent the morning.

 

“I wrote in my diary,” he said. “I like to write in it every day. Would you like to see it?”

 

“Sure,” I replied enthusiastically. “I would love to see it.”

 

I couldn’t really understand what he had written. It was in English but the sentence construction wasn’t making sense to me. There were several entries with varying dates even though he had written them all that same day. One line was on almost every page. “I like ice-cream.” I immediately called Usman and told him to bring some along with some food.

 

Shaan wasn’t going downstairs so he wasn’t eating anything except buns he had bought from a bakery the day before. I told him the staff would get him anything he wanted. All he had to do was tell them what. He nodded and I wondered if it was actually going to happen.

 

It was the first page of the diary that caught my attention.

On it he had written Name, Father’s name, Mother’s name and then filled them out. Everyone’s last name was Shaan. For Address he had written Shadman. Below that was “Date of birth” and “ID card number.” Those were blank. It was like a form. Everything about him was so particular. He reminded me of myself. Later he told me he was born in late November.

 

“I’m Sagittarius,” he said.

 

When I asked him about the people he used to hang out with in the park, he didn’t say much.

 

To my question, “What were they like?” he answered, “If you spend time with someone, it’s not nice to say anything bad about them.”

 

Wow, I thought. I felt like I was seeing someone who was the personification of a daily tasbeeh I read myself and also taught my niece. “Allah u Rabbi.” “My Lord is The One who raises me by His Lutf, Kindness and His Fazal, Bounty.” For Shaan at least one consequence of that raising seemed to be a bestowing of excellence in manners.

 

I could see he was tired. I asked him if he slept well. “It’s a new place so you know…” he said looking down, his eyes turning sad. “And if you think of something bad before you sleep, then sometimes it comes into your dream.”

 

To just that comment, I had a thousand questions but I kept my mouth shut. I racked my brain for something that might make him laugh. But since I didn’t know him, I couldn’t think of anything. I tried just being friendly.

 

“Yesterday I noticed the way you made your list of things you were going to get. Using the wood to line the page,” I said smiling.

 

“Yes,” he said looking up at me. “I like to write on paper that has lines.”

 

He had written down exactly seven items on it; a pail with a bowl for it, soap, a towel, a bed-sheet, shampoo and powder.

I sat with Shaan while he ate, then I left. When I got home I started feeling bad that he might be feeling lonely. I called Qari Sahib to ask him what to do.

 

“It’s just an adjustment for him right now. The first few days are hard. Then they become better. It’s like that for anyone who lives alone for the first time.”

 

“But the room isn’t great Qari Sahib,” I said. “It’s a big size but it needs stuff so it’s cozy. There’s nothing in it.”

 

“No one’s first room is great,” my teacher responded clearly remembering his own.

 

The problem was I was thinking of a story Qari Sahib had told us recently in class:

 

One day a man came to see Hazrat Shah Suleman Taunsvi (ra). He asked him about Tauheed, the One-ness of Allah.

 

“Teach me what it means,” he requested.

 

The Saint replied, “Tauheed is thinking of Allah better than you think of yourself. Or at least treating him as you treat yourself.”

 

The man was flabbergasted.

 

“What are you saying to me? I had no idea you would say something so inappropriate as a scholar and someone so highly regarded in spirituality. How can I think of Allah in any way related to my base self. This is shirk. You are misguiding people,” he ranted.

 

Hazrat Shah Suleman Taunsvi (ra) calmly replied, “This is what I know of Tauheed and so I have told you it. If you can find a better answer elsewhere, seek it.”

 

The man wanted to leave but night had already appeared so he decided to stay till the morning. Hazrat Shah Suleman Taunsvi (ra) told his disciples to give him dinner but with a special instruction.

 

“Send him some fresh food and bread and some that is old.”

 

As the man began to eat, a sa’il, one in need, made a plea in the street.

 

“Will anyone give me anything in the Name of Allah?”

 

The man heard the voice and looked at his tray. Then he decided to keep the fresh food for himself and send the old one to the hungry person. Soon after he fell asleep.

 

The next morning, before leaving, he came to Hazrat Shah Suleman Taunsvi (ra) to say goodbye. He asked him again, “So did you understand anything about Tauheed from our previous conversation?”

 

The man reiterated his disappointment.

 

The Saint then said, “O friend! Listen to me. I told you this; Think of Allah more than you think of yourself or treat Him at the least, as you treat yourself. Yesterday night you had before you fresh food as well as food that was old. When the needy person asked for something for the Sake of Allah, you kept the good food for yourself and sent the old food for him.

Since sadqa goes into the Hands of Allah, you kept what was better and sent what was worse to Him. You couldn’t treat Allah better than yourself by giving the man all the fresh food and you couldn’t even treat him as you treat yourself (by giving him some of it).”

 

It was true; understanding the essence of faith, of God, who for so many was entirely elusive, always only comes as a result of another human being.

 

Then Qari Sahib had quoted a verse from the Quran;

 

يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا أَنفِقُوا مِن طَيِّبَاتِ مَا كَسَبْتُمْ

وَمِمَّا أَخْرَجْنَا لَكُم مِّنَ الْأَرْضِ

الْخَبِيثَ مِنْهُ تُنفِقُونَ وَلَا تَيَمَّمُوا

وَلَسْتُم بِآخِذِيهِ إِلَّا أَن تُغْمِضُوا فِيهِ

وَاعْلَمُوا أَنَّ اللَّهَ غَنِيٌّ حَمِيد

 

O ye attained who faith!

Spend on others out of the good things which you have acquired

and out of that which We have produced from the Earth.

Do not choose the worst of it to give in charity that you yourself would be reluctant to accept.

Know that Allah is Rich beyond need and Praiseworthy.

 

Surah Al-Baqarah, Verse 267

 

I thought of my room and what was in it. His room and what was in it. I sent a text around to my friends to get some furniture so I could place it in his room before I left. I went to see my Aunt but my heart felt heavy. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. On the way back I told my driver that I thought Shaan was low. That I didn’t know how to raise his spirits.

Usman told me that the guys in the workshop had said they tried to make conversation with him and to everything they asked, Shaan had said, “If you don’t mind, mujhe nahin pata.” “If you don’t mind, I don’t know.”

 

I burst out laughing. Sounded like a t-shirt Uzma would love!

 

I called Hiba and told her I was feeling nervous. She said she was sending over a phone for Shaan through her driver.

“He will have it tonight. Then we can call him. And he can call other people. That might make him happier. And I will go see him tomorrow. It will just take a little time.”

 

He had said he liked art. I thought I would get him some stuff so he can paint while he waits for his job to start. I thought I would buy him a bike. He said he preferred a bicycle to a motor bike. But would these things make him happy?

 

That night I cried in my bed while I thought of him and I cried in my prayers at dawn. I only asked for one thing; “Guide my heart to do that which will make Shaan happy. Please, tell me what will make him happy.”

 

It was a prayer I never prayed like that for anyone before. Not a family member that was unhappy, not a romantic love that was sad, not a friend who was depressed. I prayed for them to be happy, sure but I never pleaded for it. Plus people are different. Some shun love offered all the time. Others choose their loneliness, then extract pride from it. It always ended up a façade upon a façade full of landmines, impossible to traverse. Shaan was alone.

 

The prayer I uttered for guidance was new. It had been the topic of a lecture I heard by Uzair the same day; a hadith mubarik

 

اللَّهُمَّ إِنِّي أَسْتَخِيرُكَ بِعِلْمِكَ

 

Allahumma inni astakhiruka bi'ilmika

 

“O Allah! I ask guidance from Your Knowledge.”

 

“Guide my heart, Ya Rabbi, to do what which is right for Shaan. Pleeeeeease!” I sobbed.

 

While I lay in bed, I could sense my nafs feeling astounded.

 

Then it asked me, “Why are you crying like this? Do you want Shaan to be happy because of that story you read in Ghaus Pak’s (ra) book? ‘Pleasing the needy is pleasing God.’”

 

“No,” I answered truthfully starting to cry again. “I’m just worried. What if he doesn’t feel happy.”

 

“Well, could you wait a day to see what happens please because you’re killing me,” was its genuinely irritated response.

 

Through the tears I smiled. A sense of humour always did heal everything for me! That’s why Zee’s always been the most special of my friends.

 

I think what was making me feel that worried was my leaving for the States for a month two days later. If I had been in Lahore longer, I would have been able to see Shaan every other day and made sure personally that he was settled. If the job was not going to start, I would have found other things for him to do so his time was occupied. I was sure he missed the park, the outdoors, sound.

 

The next day I called Shaan in the morning and told him I was sending over the rest of the stuff he had asked for. It was a shalwar kamiz, gray, tea bags, sugar, a frying pan, a pot to boil water, some plates and cutlery. I added to that a new pair of pyjamas I had just gotten made for myself and a t-shirt I absolutely love. I wanted to take them myself but it was a crazy day so I sent Usman. Which as it turned out was the best thing I could have done.

 

“Call me when you are with him so I can have a word please.”

An hour or so later, I heard from him. Shaan’s voice sounded upbeat. He loved the clothes and now he was going for a drive with Usman to buy some fruit and check out a park nearby. He told me again that I had great taste. I asked him to please see what the food choices were nearby so he wasn’t eating junk.

 

“You sound much better today,” I said. “You sound happy.”

 

I could hear his smile. “Yes,” he said dreamily. “It’s a good day,” he said in English and my heart leapt with joy. I thanked God in my heart and vowed to do a tasbeeh later.

 

In our last class on the Haj Qari Sahib had told us the verse:

 

وَيَزِيدُ اللَّهُ الَّذِينَ اهْتَدَوْا هُدًى

وَالْبَاقِيَاتُ الصَّالِحَاتُ خَيْرٌ عِندَ رَبِّكَ ثَوَابًا وَخَيْرٌ مَّرَدًّ

 

And Allah increases guidance for those who accept guidance.

And the everlasting good deeds are far better near your Lord in reward and in outcome.

Surah Maryam, Verse 76

 

“Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) says that those “everlasting good deeds” are sometimes words. Specifically the words His Beloved (saw) chose were, ‘Subhan Allah, Alhamdolillah, Allah o Akbar, La hawala wa la quwwata.’”

 

All Glory is for Allah, All praise is for Him alone, Allah is the Greatest, I cannot come around to that which is good for me (without Him) and I cannot stay away from that which is harmful to me (without Him).

 

It was a tasbeeh that held deep meaning for me that day!

Especially the last part.

 

In the evening I went to the shrine in the park to say Salam, then to Daata Sahib’s (ra) to say goodbye. On the way I asked Usman to tell me the details of the afternoon. He told me Shaan seemed to have had a really good time.

 

“I set up his phone and he called me. Hiba bibi gave him a really nice one. Samsung.”

 

“Oh, so you were the first call,” I said almost with a pang of jealousy. “Cool! That’s good. It’s very important he trusts someone. You should go see him twice a week while I’m gone and take him out for a drive, do something fun, eat something nice. He will enjoy that.”

 

Usman smiled. “When we came back from the shopping, he even had a cup of tea with the workers downstairs for the first time. Then as I was taking my leave to come home, I asked him if he needed anything else. He said no, he was fine. Then he offered me the Sprite he bought and I said no thank you, I just had tea.

 

So he asked me if I wanted fruit from the peaches and apples we had just got. Again I said no and Shaan says, ‘Aren’t you my best friend? If you take some fruit, it will make me really happy.’ Then he put the two bags in front of me. He didn’t even pick them out. So I took a peach and an apple.”

 

I noted Usman pointing out that he placed the bags before him; Rich people always pick out things and give them. Quantity is always chosen. They never place it in front of anyone and say, “Take what you want, however much you want.”

 

I listened to each word intently and it occurred to me that gentleness, like grace, was endowed. Not just to Shaan but everyone. How we responded to the difficulty of life made us aggressive if we became angry or bitter if we became dejected. Those that didn’t remained gentle. That’s what made it rare as well as palpable.

 

I thought of the hadith I had just translated with Qari Sahib about the Bedouin who asked Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) 25 questions. When we got home, I looked up each question that had the word “manners” in the answer.

 

“The man said, ‘How do I perfect my Imaan, faith?’”

 

Allah’s Beloved (peace be upon him) said, “Improve your manners (akhlaq).””

 

Then he asked, “What is the worst thing?”

 

The Messenger of God (peace be upon him) said, “Having bad manners and being miserly.”

 

Lastly, he asked, “And what is the best of things?”

 

The Beloved of Allah (peace be upon him) replied, “Excellence in manners, humility and patience.”

 

Shaan possessed all three!

 

How one celebrates a blessing and bears a trial is entirely different for each person. Ghaus Pak (ra) says that those who are grateful for their blessings and reflect upon them and heed from them, their reward is that they move forward, rank by rank, drowning in the knowing of Allah’s Jamal, Beauty.

 

After we had shifted Shaan to Hiba’s place, she had called me thanking me profusely for the opportunity to do something kind. I had said to her that what we had done was nothing in terms of its impact on our time or our wallet. I could have given Shaan ten times more money than I had already or that I would eventually and it would have made no difference to my wealth.

 

“It’s what he does for us that’s going to be unique Hib,” I said.

“I don’t know what it will mean for me but I know for you, it will be a reward so sweet, I can’t even begin to fathom its impact.”

 

While the events were happening, every time I met a friend it was all I could speak about. Each one expressed curiosity around what Shaan’s circumstances might have been that lead him to live in a park of all places.

 

“Will you ask him?” they wondered.

 

“No,” I replied. “I don’t think I will.”

 

I wasn’t curious about it personally. I never am about the source of people’s pain. It’s too difficult to hear. Dysfunction fascinates me but not pain. Especially when it is almost sublime.

 

Recently I had added a prayer to my intention before each Namaz. I learnt it through Uzair again. The prayer was uttered by Hazrat Mohyuddin Ibn e Arabi (ra), Ghaus Pak’s (ra) progeny. It was amazing. I said it with inordinate focus which I almost always lost a few seconds later. If nothing else, for the first time in my namaz I was able to convey my soul’s longing.

 

ارید ان اصلی للقربۃ الی اللہ

 

“I want to pray to gain closeness to God.”

 

Meeting Shaan, finding him a place to live in, a job, all of it suddenly seemed like prayer to me. Like an act of worship. It made me realize that everything I do, I want it to somehow bring me closer to my Lord. Lately, I had already been saying the prayer, just changing the verb, for anything I did during the day.

 

“I want to drink to gain closeness to God.”

 

“I want to eat to gain closeness to God.”

 

Most times I said that, I would just stare at the drink or morsel in my hand and wonder at myself, “I expect this to bring me closeness?” It made me think about why spirituality places such extraordinary emphasis on simplicity and purity of food.

This year I learnt, much to my amazement that the first 10 days of Haj are special like no other to God.

 

قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ:‏‏‏‏

مَا مِنْ أَيَّامٍ الْعَمَلُ الصَّالِحُ فِيهِنَّ أَحَبُّ إِلَى اللَّهِ مِنْ هَذِهِ الْأَيَّامِ الْعَشْرِ

فَقَالُوا:‏‏‏‏ يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ وَلَا الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ، ‏‏‏‏‏‏

فَقَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صَلَّى اللَّهُ عَلَيْهِ وَسَلَّمَ:‏‏‏‏

وَلَا الْجِهَادُ فِي سَبِيلِ اللَّهِ إِلَّا رَجُلٌ خَرَجَ بِنَفْسِهِ وَمَالِهِ فَلَمْ يَرْجِعْ مِنْ ذَلِكَ بِشَيْءٍ

 

The Prophet of God (peace be upon him) said, "There are no days in which good deeds are more beloved to Allah then these ten days of Zil Haj."

 

They (the Companions) asked, "Ya Rasool Allah (peace be upon you)! Not even jihad in Allah's Cause?"

 

The Messenger of Allah (peace be upon him) replied, "Not even jihad in Allah's Cause, except for the man who went for it with his self and his wealth and did not return with any of them."

 

Since I heard the hadith, which was on day four or five, I had been in overdrive trying to do good things. It as not lost on me that Shaan came in to my life during these days.

 

Through traversing the path of spirituality, I have learnt that the greatest boon of attachment to the Friends of God is learning the short-cuts. Otherwise unknown. One of the surprising ones that I discovered came courtesy of a scientist, Avicenna or Ibn e Sina, who was a Persian polymath regarded as one of the most significant physicians, astronomers, thinkers and writers of the Islamic Golden Age.

 

He has been described as the father of early modern medicine. Of the 450 works he is known to have written, around 240 have survived, including 150 on philosophy and 40 on medicine. He had memorized the Quran by the age of 10, started studying medicine at the age of 16 and by 18 was a qualified physician. But he also had a deep interest in theology and studied it with the aim to reconcile it with rational philosophy.

 

He writes; “The softness of the heart comes from two things. The first is purification of thought. The second, a pure love, the condition for which is that it is mental and spiritual, not physical and lustful, so that the reason for loving the beloved is their akhlaq (manners and morality) that forms their behavior.”

 

I don’t believe I have ever seen anyone fall in love with someone because of manners and morality. But I guess there’s always a first time.

 

Ghaus Pak (ra) says in Al-Fath Ar-Rabbani addressing his listener, “I love you for your sake not mine.” It was such a simple statement. It made me wonder who I had ever loved in my life for their sake alone. I only came up with two people; my mother and my niece. Only for them was my love purely unconditional. It was not transient. It did not dissipate. It did not require reciprocity. It was muwwadat!

 

With everyone else, once I hit my 40s, calculation, negotiation, expectation seeped into my love. Then followed disappointment and hurt. And funnily enough, it was always all in my head. I hardly ever even voiced it to anyone.

 

Maulana Shams Tabrez (ra) says that love with conditions is Hell. He couldn’t have used a better word. I guess that’s why the heart has to be cleansed of association with anything except God. It’s not for His Sake, it’s for mine. Otherwise I am burning in fires of unceasing torment. I can accept another’s nature but I can’t give them preference.

 

Acceptance alone still leaves a hurt masking grudge. Only with that preference, when we are both needy, will greed (in my case emotional) be taken from me and I will be of the Mufliheen.

 

وَيُؤْثِرُونَ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِهِمْ وَلَوْ كَانَ بِهِمْ خَصَاصَةٌ ۚ

وَمَن يُوقَ شُحَّ نَفْسِهِۦ فَأُو۟لَـٰٓئِكَ هُمُ ٱلْمُفْلِحُونَ

 

They give them preference over themselves, even if they themselves are needy.

And whoever is spared from their own greed, they are the successful ones.

Surah Al-Hashr, Verse 9

 

I even knew in theory what would create unconditional love; the annihilation of the ego. That was the cure for everything else as well.

 

The greatest of blessings is escaping the entrapments of your ego because between you and your Creator, it is the thickest of veils

- Hazrat Abu Bakr Tamastani (ra)

 

But I didn’t know how to make it happen.

 

And then it was made to happen for me. At least in one instance.

 

It was two days before I was leaving for Portland. I had asked Usman to get Shaan a tv, a paint job for his room, he chose gray, some curtains for his window and a ceiling fan. He was not happy with the one in his room. “Let him pick out everything,” I said. “So he likes it.” Deeda was sending over furniture, pretty much everything a room would need. Hopefully work would start soon after.

 

I was visiting my 90 some year old grandmother who adores me for some reason unknown to the rest of the family since she has probably two dozen grandchildren. She stares at me with the sweetest smile. In turn, I show my love pleasing her by wearing my best outfits on every visit, which I would otherwise never wear, because she loves touching fabric and commenting on it.

 

Suddenly I received a text on my phone that something bad had happened to someone I once knew. We were not estranged but our relationship was not warm either. But then maybe it was estranged because I always felt after like I had met a stranger. So I guess I could say it was kind of non-existent.

 

I remained calm and called my friend who sent the text. “What happened?” I asked.

 

“I don’t really know. Let me first confirm,” is all she said and quickly hung up.

 

Feeling nervous, I left my grandmother’s house and came home waiting to hear from her. I called the person in question and received no answer. That’s when the paranoia started kicking in and I began to think of the worst of possibilities. I started calling the person the text was about half a dozen times. My friend who told me the “news” didn’t pick up my calls either, she didn’t respond to my texts. As I saw myself starting to panic I thought, maybe I should just pray.

 

It was a long prayer Qari Sahib had told us to try and do every day during the Haj days. I knew once I started I wouldn’t be able to answer the phone for at least 20 minutes. But I began anyway. Through the prayer I cried. First I asked God to please let the person be ok. Then I began telling myself that if the worst has happened, it must be accepted as His Will but through that my tears streamed non-stop.

 

While I read the Arabic part, my heart whispered, “It’s true. I surrender myself to Allah and His Rasool (peace be upon him). I entrust my matter to Allah and His Rasool (peace be upon him). I seek the pleasure of Allah wa Rasoolu-hu (peace be upon him).”

 

My phone rang throughout my namaz and I ignored it. Then when I finished and looked at the missed calls, three of them were from the person the text was about. I breathed a sigh of relief and called back.

 

“You called me six times,” I heard on the other end.

 

“Come to my house now,” I said with an urgency.

 

The rest of that story isn’t important. What is is that the devastatingly intense experience only happened to make me realize how fragile life is. That choosing to hold a grudge or be badguman, thinking of another as insincere or insensitive, at the same time as claiming love for them was not acceptable to God. Not as a show of disapproval from Him but simply because the claim was a false and truth and falsehood cannot co-exist.

 

It went against one of my most intense asks after each namaz, a prayer that Allah taught his Beloved (peace be upon him). And I remember repeating it in the shrine in the park and hoping it would come true.

 

وَقُل رَّبِّ أَدْخِلْنِي مُدْخَلَ صِدْقٍ

وَأَخْرِجْنِي مُخْرَجَ صِدْقٍ

وَاجْعَل لِّي مِن لَّدُنكَ سُلْطَانًا نَّصِيرً

 

Say, O Beloved (peace be upon you), “O my Lord! Cause me to enter (in all I do) with truth

and cause me to leave (it) with truth,

and grant me out of Thy Grace, a sustaining strength.

Surah Al-Isra’, Verse 80

 

There was, in fact, no love. It was just pretense created by the ego, rendering me to be the most insincere of all while longing for sincerity. Even the beginning of this piece while I edited it. I noticed I sound bitter because I felt dejected.

 

I spoke to Shaan one last time the day before I left. It had rained that morning and cooled the weather significantly. “It’s very pleasant outside today,” he said when I asked him how he was. He told me he didn’t want a tv but would rather have a speaker to listen to music. He chose gray for the colour of his wall paint. He had even made a pouch for his new phone with some cloth he had. Usman told me every single time he gave him something, he thanked him profusely.

 

I told Shaan I would speak to him sometime from the States. He ended the call with me warmly expressing his feelings, “I love you Ma’am,” he said. I smiled. “Take care of yourself please.”

 

What happens next who knows but there was absolutely no better way to mark the present moment, which happened to be the 10th of Zil Haj. My incidence of good deeds was sky high. A fake news text brought me closer to being truthful. And a homeless person in a park by the name of Shaan made me a Mo’min!

 

www.youtube.com/channel/UCqb01bB-J3kyiu-HKIX2MKw

The Idols in my Heart

 

The beauty, zeenat, of the heart comes from Tauheed (the

One-ness of God)

ikhlas (sincerity),

trusting Allah,

it comes from His Remembrance

and in forgetting others.

Ghaus Pak (ra)

 

Writing truthfully comes naturally to me. Writing about my dark side, easily. I can see it in the light of others, the contrast striking. I can see it in their darkness, we are always only shades apart. My esteemed Spiritual Master Babu ji (ra) says countless times in Musafir Chand Roza; “Think of yourself as the worst. Think of everyone else as better than you.”

 

I was never able to do that, think of myself as the worst. And it was without discussing those who made everyone feel they were better than them. After all, some souls had made no promises. They had not reached out and been embraced. Hence, they were yoked, captive themselves. If they behaved badly it was not surprising. But I hailed myself as a keeper of promises. Regressing once in a while was one thing. Breaking a foundational rule, entirely another.

 

So over four weeks on a summer holiday I finally came to reach the point of honestly thinking I was undoubtedly the worst. This is that story that in fact should not be told. And if it is, I have wondered while writing it, can it ever be told truthfully?

 

Begin.

 

When you have one person left that is family that person is important. You have seen good times and bad together. Each of you has changed in their own ways, marking their footsteps with imprints, scars and wounds to show for their paths on their spiritual journey. You part ways often but you will always meet again. If not joy, life and if not pain, death creates reunion forever.

 

In the interim sometimes one sinks in mistrust wondering, are they sincere to me? The dimmest of light in the heart dying to be heard screams yes. The darkness simply whispers no. Yet prevails.

 

This summer after two years I returned to what was my home for years. Simply because it was my brother’s home. Portland, Oregon. A city that felt divine because of its beauty and its food, both simple yet overwhelming, in a good way. My cousin happened to be there too. That was a stroke of luck. He is gentle and calm, chilled. The opposite of me even though we were both born on the same day four years apart. I was glad he was there. I had really gotten to know him only on a trip once years ago because he was outside of Lahore. In the city we both lived in, he was usually depressed, languishing in fantasies that would never come true.

 

My niece was now ten. She was and always will be my heart’s greatest delight. The second person I loved without expectation, negotiation, calculation. I recently added a third and fourth to that list. I hope it grows. I feel it so starkly now what Maulana Shams Tabrez (ra) means when he says that love with those three aspects in it is hell. And without it, heaven. It was so strange to realize in all my interactions of love once the 40’s began, all of which I felt so intensely, bliss had always been absent.

 

Even now when I regress, say something, do something and think of how or whether it might be reciprocated, I feel that fire of hell and wonder; how did I burn in it for these last 10 years? Burn…in...it...

 

I was prepared for the trip in advance. As in spiritually trained for it in Lahore. By my Masters from the Realm of the Unseen and my friends on this Earth. There were two simple rule to follow; first, exercise silence. And two, understand and accept that nothing you want will happen.

 

Both rules were next to impossible for me to execute without lapse for the former and reaction to the latter. Still I buckled down and took a deep breath. I joked with a cousin of mine before leaving; If I can pull it off Cuz, I’m coming back with a halo around my head!

 

Day 15 was when I faced my failure dead in the face. My tongue finally lashed out. My temper raged. My brother reacted somewhat calmly because he always says the same thing; drink a glass of cold water. He must have read it somewhere in tips for anger management. Of course that was infuriating. I left the room in a huff and the sick part was as I entered mine, where my niece was brushing her teeth, I felt elated.

 

A volcano had finally burst so pressure was released. A molten lava erupted leaving me unscathed. A few minutes later I re-entered his room sickened by my pleasure at taking someone out. I apologized. He kept saying he didn’t understand why I reacted the way I did. I had no answer to that because I felt he should have known it was coming. But I gave no explanation because every single one I had would have only served to provoke him and hence me. I apologized again. He accepted it gracefully.

 

That afternoon I chose to stay behind while the three of them went shopping to the city. We were spending most of the five weeks in a beach town on the coast. I grabbed my book & drove to a restaurant where I loved the food. I stared out the window at dense fog, and then found a beach to walk on.

 

I saw a few cars parked on the side of a road. I could see the sand from where I stopped so I knew it wasn’t going to be far. I put on my headphone and the track that was my summer pick – Sultan + Shepherd, Run to you – grabbed my camera and made my way down. The beach was lovely. It was a cliff on one side that was laid on a bed of rocks. I decided to climb over them and walk to the edge so I could sit right near the water.

 

It was around 4 that I realized I hadn’t prayed Zuhr. I would not get back into town in time to say it so I decided to pray on the rocks. During the prayer I thought about the moment I had experienced with my brother that morning. The moment I had successfully avoided for 15 days. The moment that had made me feel victorious when it was really nothing but defeat. Nonetheless it was also a moment which allowed me to see him for where he was standing in his life.

 

Overtly he appeared strong, financially independent, capable, seemingly in no need of anything, emotional or otherwise. But it was a false bravado. Because bravado is always false. His aggression, which seemed to manifest itself instantly, was in fact just the opposite. It was intense fragility. As if a shattering was just a hair’s breadth away and he was skirting it every single moment all the time.

 

There was in fact no confidence. There was never any confidence. My father had never allowed it. Its false appearance was a mask that over time had become worn out so now it kept peeling off. That part he was aware of. It was what caused the tension inside him to repeat one exercise in repeat; plastering that mask back on again and again. That is why seclusion was preferred. Everything else must have felt taxing.

 

I replayed the morning’s incident in my mind over and over. I wanted to see my role in it. I had not even really lost my temper. I had just expressed irritation. At being slighted. At being ignored. At being out of bounds really as far as any consideration or sensitivity was concerned. I had been annoyed at best. I had expressed it by being dismissive and condescending. That was the trigger!

 

It was my making him feel insignificant, the hinting that his behaviour was abnormal. It was me being my father! The truth was that he was also being my father. As far as triggering me was concerned. But there was a big difference. I knew what was happening. I could exercise control over my reaction. All I had to do was be quiet.

 

He didn’t know anything. He was getting through life hour by hour, minute by minute, hoping his world didn’t crash, hoping he didn’t crash. And not even for his own sake. For his daughter’s. Who already knows what he’s like. Like all children learn their parent’s flaws at the youngest age. And love them anyway. Ignore them anyway.

 

During my prayer I thought about how I was one of those ordinary people who learnt only through failure. Who always had to be bad in order to be good. And I thought of my beloved Nabi Kareem (saw) who was only and always good. Kind. Gentle. Soft. I had read a new story recently where he was walking and some man came up behind him and pulled him back by his shirt so roughly that he tore it.

 

“Give me something,” he demanded.

 

A war had been won. The spoils were being distributed.

 

Nabi Kareem (saw) simply turned around and smiled.

 

“Give him what he wants,” he said.

 

Just like that!

 

But I was never good. To be good I had to always first face my evil. I hated that so much. It disappointed me so deeply I would just cry. That day sitting on the rocks I wept and asked my Lord for the first time, Ya Rabbi! When will I just be good? Would it ever happen? Could it even happen? I heard the waves crash on the rocks around me and waited for an answer. It didn’t come.

 

The wind blew hard carrying birds I had never seen before gliding away in lines. I packed my stuff and headed back towards the car. For 14 days I had been praying fervently, ardently, eagerly, passionately, fanatically. How can I express love to someone, I would ask Allah, who has an impenetrable barrier around them? A new barrier that I had never seen before, that I was not used to. And then I knew.

 

Perhaps there was no way around it. Maybe I was not going to be able to go through it and find myself on the inside. Ever! If the shield made another feel safe, then it was not for me to undo that for them. The only thing I could do was express my love. Which I had not been doing with my brother. In practicing my muteness, I had not said anything kind to him either. I had just been mirroring him, the only difference between us being my silence.

 

On good days I had felt hopeful. On bad, I felt like I visited someone who had jailed themselves. I sat across a glass door. I picked up a phone. I waited for a Hello! If I was lucky, we spoke. Otherwise he disappeared leaving me, the one who is “free” bound, wondering if the next interaction would be better. It made me realize he wasn't the only person in my life like that.

 

In the first few days when I couldn’t figure anything out I called Qari Sahib just to say hello. He gave me a prayer to say. Since I have never uttered verses before in certain number to bring about change in another person, I was dejected by his advice. But then the Surah turned out to one of my favourites, Al-Nasr, so I started saying it. I recited it a lot anyway.

 

I even set up a time to understand the tafseer of it by Ghaus Pak (ra).

 

إِذَا جَآءَ نَصْرُ ٱللَّهِ وَٱلْفَتْحُ

وَرَأَيْتَ ٱلنَّاسَ يَدْخُلُونَ فِى دِينِ ٱللَّهِ أَفْوَاجًا

فَسَبِّحْ بِحَمْدِ رَبِّكَ وَٱسْتَغْفِرْهُ ۚ إِنَّهُۥ كَانَ تَوَّابًۢا

 

When comes the Help of Allah and the Victory,

and you see the people entering into the religion of Allah in multitudes.

Then glorify with the praises of your Lord and ask His Forgiveness.

Indeed, He is Oft-Returning

Surah Al-Fath, Verses 1-3

 

Tafseer e Jilani:

 

Ida ja’a nasurallah: When it will come to you, O Messenger who completes Prophethood (peace be upon you), the Promise of Allah which He promised you, that He will help you against all your enemies. And make your religion dominate all other religions…

 

Wal fath: …which Allah already informed you of with his verse

“Inna fathana laka fath han mubeenan - ‏إِنَّا فَتَحْنَا لَكَ فَتْحًۭا مُّبِينًۭا ‎- Indeed, We have given victory, to you a victory clear. 48/1”

 

Wa: Now it has come; that victory and the help that you were promised, completing your control and overcoming all your enemies and dominating your religion over all other religions…

 

Rait an Naas a yadkhulna fi deen Allah I afwaja: …troop by troop and group by group, after which they will come individual by individual.

 

Fa sabbih bi hamdi Rabbika: O Messenger who completes Prophethood (peace be upon you)! Be thankful that He has granted you all that He promised you. And He gave you victory upon all the Universe. And perfected your excellence in manner and honorable etiquette by raising you, then unveiling your appearance for all people.

 

Wa astahfir-hu: So ask Him to let go of everything and forgive from His Majesty, for the benefit of your person and your transgressions (in love).

 

Inna hu kana Tawwaba: He forgives all who ask for forgiveness from Him and also accepts the repentance of those who turn towards Him again. If those feelings come dipped in sincerity.

 

It was the last line that resonated for me the most. I turned in repentance again and again. But it also made me wonder about the last line. Were my feelings always dipped in sincerity?

 

I even studied what is the Khatim as Surah, a note at the end of each Surah, concluding it, that Ghaus Pak (ra) writes for the reader:

 

O You who seeks success on the Last Day and is interested in the spiritual blessings from Allah Himself which have been promised that come from asking forgiveness from Him! And in focusing your attention towards Him in all your states all the time and entrusting your matters in their entirety to Him! And making Him your Disposer of Affairs! And making Him the One who takes care of you and becomes your Guarantor!

 

For you the duty is to be steadfast in obedience and worship. And stay away from that which has been made forbidden and evil for you. May Allah protect you from sins and bring you to the place of culminating your purpose by His Bounty (Fazl) and His Kindness (Lutf).

 

In saying the Surah by count for the first time, I realized that prayers that are supposedly to alter another’s heart are amazing because whether they impact the other person or not, they definitely alter one’s own. It’s the Quran after all. Ease of the heart is promised.

 

ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَتَطْمَئِنُّ قُلُوبُهُم بِذِكْرِ ٱللَّهِ ۗ أَلَا بِذِكْرِ ٱللَّهِ تَطْمَئِنُّ ٱلْقُلُوبُ

 

Those who believed and whose hearts find comfort in the remembrance of Allah.

No doubt, in the remembrance of Allah do hearts find their rest.

Surah Ar-Rad, Verse 28

 

But it was early days. Half the trip remained. I felt ease because I was successful in exercising silence but I was seriously lacking something which I had taken for granted on my end; the entrusting of matters in their entirety to Him, and making Him the only Disposer of Affairs, and making Him the

One who takes care of me and thus becoming my Guarantor!

 

In Lahore, I always felt my reliance singularly, doubtlessly because I was alone. There was no one except God for me there. When I made mistakes, erring constantly, they had to do with my own person. The regret came naturally and the repentance was doused in sincerity.

 

Patterns were recognized and broken quickly. Here I was repeating the mistake without recognizing it and therefore without addressing it. I noted the difference was coming from the relationship that was woven into my life inextricably. The others I could walk away from. This I could not escape.

 

I knew that because the whole trip had got me thinking about friends of mine who had spouses who were difficult. Who can fly off the handle without provocation. Be verbally abusive or just distant, indifferent. Then cycle to some sweetness and become hard again. Endlessly. For decades. I often tried to share with them what I learnt but I was not married and I have never had experience, long-term living in the same space with someone who was like that. I shared what worked for me in difficulty of shaking off looping thoughts. That was about it. I didn’t have to face the people creating those thoughts all day long.

 

I had found my brother to be was more closed off than usual. Perhaps it was because his marriage was on fragile grounds. Maybe it was from living alone for the last two years. Then my father had died only a few months before. He was always veiled anyway but the veils seemed thicker.

 

Day in and day out I wondered how to reach him. I felt like it was an exercise in vain like scaling walls put up by the other only to reach the top and find, the walls were in fact higher. The rope wasn’t enough. You could only stay suspended.

 

On one of my alone days while reading Al-Fath Ar-Rabbani, I finally understood why Ghaus Pak (ra) defined the last and highest state of sabr, patience, to be that which is not waited for to be over. It was something that had always truly perplexed me. Why wouldn’t someone want a trial of difficulty to end?

 

“Once I was faced with a trial and it left me in a state of pain for a few days. I requested Allah to make it end. And He intensified my pain through another trial. In that moment, I was left mutahayyar, bewildered.

 

Then I heard a voice from the Unseen, ‘Did you not in your initial stages say that, in all my states, I surrender to my Lord?’

 

Thus I was taught adab regard, and I became still.”

 

I loved that last line. How the extraordinary were taught something through a single line and in a single moment becoming “still” for eternity!

 

I already knew that what lay at the heart of badly broken people; shame and abandonment. It’s what lay behind the dysfunction we all have. But theirs seemed to be different. I recently discovered the major one to be that a time comes when they cannot take any chances.

 

They refuse to put themselves in a position of vulnerability. Not with any relation. Not for any reason. They seem to be minimizing risk of hurt and disappointment to zero but in that singular pursuit they don’t see that they will have to reject all love.

 

All of it!

 

How barren would life be then?

 

It made me sigh deeper than usual.

 

On day 21, my trip was coming to a close in two weeks. My cousin was leaving in one. In that moment when the end appeared on the horizon, clarity came with it. What I have not mentioned thus far, primarily out of disappointment and embarrassment, was my financial dependence on my brother. He had given me his credit card. He had done that many times before. But this time he seemed to do it, not begrudgingly, but not quite as generously either.

 

I had brought a substantial amount of money to cover my expenses but I had spent it all on my ticket, renting weekend apartments and hiring cars over the 6 weeks. I expected him to cover the cost of my being there otherwise. And it was again during my prayers that I was made to see myself relying on him when my pockets were not empty. I just didn’t want to spend my money on incidentals because I thought I shouldn’t have to. But I ignored those revelations that came. That was a colossal mistake!

 

Day after day my prayers were distracted from morning till night. I would hear a voice inside my heart saying words like ghair mukhlis, insincere, munafiq, hypocrite. I listened to the words over and over feeling my chest tighten and yet, I didn’t change anything. Till the end appeared.

 

The tragic fact was I was not even buying anything I really wanted on his card. He was not going to end up spending half as much money on me than I would spend on myself. Still I felt entitled to it and instead, I ignored my soul that was burning. And I let it burn.

 

Then on another day while I was reading Ghaus Pak (ra) spoke to me;

 

“O you who seeks ilm, knowledge! Without amal, deed, there is no trust upon your knowledge and without ikhlaas, sincerity, there is no trust upon your deed. For it is like a body without a soul.

 

The symbol of your sincerity is that you don’t turn your attention towards people when they praise you nor when they are critical of you and – this was the line especially for me – the symbol of your sincerity is that you don’t turn your attention towards people or the wealth that is in their hands.”

 

The symbol of your sincerity!

 

Then he continued, “For how will you deliver on your promises to Allah that (1) only He is your Lord (2) you were created to gain His Recognition and (3) make your deeds to please the Giver of all Blessings instead of the overt giver of it who is just the medium.”

 

Whilst translating the text with Qari Sahib he told me the verses Ghaus Pak (ra) was referring to in the Quran. That is when I knew, I was amongst those who said, “Bala! Indeed, You are.”

 

وَإِذْ أَخَذَ رَبُّكَ مِنۢ بَنِىٓ ءَادَمَ مِن ظُهُورِهِمْ ذُرِّيَّتَهُمْ وَأَشْهَدَهُمْ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِهِمْ أَلَسْتُ بِرَبِّكُمْ ۖ

قَالُوا۟ بَلَىٰ ۛ شَهِدْنَآ ۛ أَن تَقُولُوا۟ يَوْمَ ٱلْقِيَـٰمَةِ إِنَّا كُنَّا عَنْ هَـٰذَا غَـٰفِلِينَ

 

And recall when Your Lord summoned the offspring of the children of Adam from their loins and made them testify about themselves, “Am I not your Lord?”

They said, “Yes, we do testify.”

Thus you cannot say on the Day of Resurrection, “We were oblivious of this.”

Surah Al Araaf, Verse 172

 

Also reminding me that according to Ghaus Pak (ra) worshipping Allah is in fact gaining His Recognition:

 

‏وَمَا خَلَقْتُ ٱلْجِنَّ وَٱلْإِنسَ إِلَّا لِيَعْبُدُونِ ‎

 

And not I have created the jinn and the mankind except that they worship Me.

Surah Ad-Dhariyat, Verse 56

 

But it was the third promise I had forgotten; Make your deeds to please the Giver of all Blessings instead of the overt giver of it, for they are just the medium.

 

Then Ghaus Pak (ra) explained why the medium didn’t matter;

“What people have is the shell, the marrow only lies with God. Thus only when your faith in God and your sincerity towards Him will you become what He expects from you, will you stand before Him forever mindful.

 

Then He will bestow upon you His Recognition and you will come to know the marrow of The Marrow and the inner of The Inner and the meaning of The Meaning.

 

So eat from the left-overs of the Friends of God and drink from what they leave behind for they are fed spirituality and meaning as a reward of their obedience to His Beloved (peace be upon him).”

 

The realization of my insincerity blew a hole in my heart. I walked around in a daze for a few days at what I had done, how I had ignored it. I had transported myself to the darkest of darkness and then planted myself there while seeing the light at the edges of my surrounding. And for what? I shudder typing the word as to what a ghatiya person (lowlife) it made me; money. But at least finally the spell was broken.

 

In those same days while driving around for long periods of time, something I never do in Lahore, I heard a lecture by Uzair from years ago. Perhaps it was when he first started speaking at Hast o Neest. In it he mentioned something Sheikh ul Akbar, Hazrat Mohyuddin Ibn e Arabi (ra), Ghaus Pak’s (ra) son by spiritual lineage, said about Tauheed, the One-ness of God. And he spoke of it in the context of the first line of the Quran;

 

الْحَمْدُ لِلَّهِ رَبِّ الْعَالَمِينَ

 

Alhamdolillah e Rab il Alameen!

 

All praise is due to God alone, the Sustainer of all the worlds.

Surah Fateha, Verse 1

 

Uzair: “All praise is Allah’s alone, who is the Lord of all the worlds. I would like to explain why in the Arabic language, the word alimeen is used here, as opposed to alimoon, both being plural. The difference in which word is to be used is a function of the context. If it is being used for beings that have the ability to reflect, aaqil, the word alimeen is used. If it is being used for the non-thinking, ghair aaqil, then alimoon is used.

 

But if we ponder on the split between reflecting and non-reflecting matter in the Universe, there is much more of the latter. For instance, most of the world, our world, is made of water. There are more plants and there are more animals than there are human beings. And of them, how many reflect? (Uzair smiles). But Allah still is using the word alimeen because of those few thinking ones, so why does He do that?

 

Here Sheikh ul Akbar (ra) says; ‘Look at the line before Alhamdolillah e Rabil Alimeen. The line is Bismillah Ar Rahman Ar Rahim. Allah is showing the epitome of the Magnificence of His Mercy by using the two Names, Rahman and Rahim together. So what Allah is saying here is that He loves those who reflect, even if they are just a handful, the tiniest number, He loves them so much that for their sake, He is raising the status of the rest, the non-reflecting human beings, and the rest of creation whatever it is, by calling them as being of the alimeen.

 

So don’t miss the lesson here by the Sheikh which is, connect yourself, join yourself with the good, the truthful, the sincere, the ones chosen by Allah as His Friends, as His Favourites. For no matter how base you think you are and how imperfect, it is Allah’s Sunnah, as I have just described above, that for the sake of just a few, when He is making all the worlds and all the Universe alimeen, He will give you what you need and much more to elevate you from your state to an entirely different state. A higher state of prosperity, both spiritual and worldly. More than you expected, more than you thought you deserved.”

 

Subhan Allah!

 

Then he came to the part that struck my heart.

 

“So Sheikh ul Akbar (ra) says make the standard of your life Tauheed. Which by the way is not ‘being one’ as people all assume. It is to make something one or say that something is one. So how does one do that, make the standard of one’s life purely Allah? Sheikh (ra) says that unless your belief, aqeeda, does not exhibit itself in deed, your amal, it is not a part of your imaan, faith.

 

He is saying that if you want to understand yourself, which is the only way you will understand God, given the hadith

 

مَن عَرَفَ نَفسَہُ فَقَد عَرَفَ رَبَۤہُ

 

The one who knows himself is verily the one who knows his Lord God.

then you have to understand the Kalima Tayyaba that you recite.

 

La ilaha Illa Allah – (translated as There is no god but Allah)

 

Four words!

 

But the words have to permeate your being, in your breath, in your standing and sitting, in your speech, your character and your morality, your essence. So how does the kalima enter my life like that, in every single thing I experience? Here the Sufis give the answer very simply for everyone.

 

They say the Universe is made for a reason so understand that reason. They say that every experience and every situation that we face comes under one of Allah’s Names. Find that Name in the Quran, for they are pearls strewn before you and string it in your Kalima. Replace the “ila” with the Divine Attribute and replace the word “Allah” with His Name which is the Divine Attribute.

 

For example, when you see something beautiful like some calligraphy and you admire it, direct yourself to saying La Khaaliq Illa al Khaaliq – There is no creator except Allah is The Creator. When you meet someone rich and you think, ‘O so and so is so wealthy, direct yourself to the Kalima and say.’La Ghani illa al Ghani – There is no generous one other than Allah is The Generous One. This is what will bring you closer to Tauheed, connect you with it. When you see someone beautiful and you are drawn to them and you think, ‘so and so is so beautiful’ bring yourself to the Kalima and say, ‘la jameel illah al Jameel – There is no beautiful one other than Allah is The Beautiful One.’

 

Then you will never fixate on anything or anyone. You will always be directed to God. And that is how you will know why the world came into being. Why was it created at all. Then you will understand the Hadith Qudsi

 

كُنتُ كنزاً مَخفياً فأحببتُ أن أُعْرَف فخَلَقتُ الخَلْقَ لكي أُعرف

 

I, Allah, was a Treasure Hidden so I loved to be known

Therefore I created Creation so that I will be known.

 

Ahbabtu – “Loved” to be known, not wanted to be known!

 

This is why the Sufis say love was the first movement.”

 

I sighed. Love was the first movement!

 

While listening to the lecture, I wondered for a second about the moments we experience that are not beautiful. That are difficult or unpleasant, destructive. But then I knew my answer all too well already.

 

‏مَّآ أَصَابَكَ مِنْ حَسَنَةٍۢ فَمِنَ ٱللَّهِ ۖ وَمَآ أَصَابَكَ مِن سَيِّئَةٍۢ فَمِن نَّفْسِكَ ۚ

وَأَرْسَلْنَكَ لِلنَّاسِ رَسُولًۭا ۚ

وَكَفَىٰ بِٱللَّهِ شَهِيدًۭا

 

Whatever befalls you that is good comes from Allah,

and whatever befalls you of evil is from yourself.

And We have sent you for all people as a Messenger,

and sufficient is Allah as a Witness.

Surah An-Nisa, Verse 79

 

Again an-naas, for Mankind, humanity, everyone, as a Messenger!

 

To this day I don’t know why or even how I ignored those voices for three weeks living in my body without a soul. Why? I know one reason was that I was repeating a pattern I had with someone else in the family which was automatically being triggered. That part happened subconsciously.

 

During those same days, the surahs I recited the most in my prayers, where surahs are interchanged with Ikhlaas, were Al-Falaq and An-Naas. They were amongst my favourites and even though I had been told to read others as well, as Allah does not like the same Surahs being repeated over and over, for some reason I recited these the most.

 

In Lahore on random days before our class, I had once asked Qari Sahib what he was studying with other groups of his Quran class. One day he told me about one of them that especially intrigued me.

 

“I spoke to my class about Surah Al-Falaq and Surah An-Naas.”

 

Both are also two of the four Surah that are called the “Quls” because they start with that word, “Qul - Say, O Beloved (peace be upon you),…”

 

“Oh, I love reciting both Surahs Sir. Please tell me as well,” I requested.

 

“Ok,” said Qari Sahib, “Let’s take a deeper look at the structure of Surah Al-Falaq;

 

قُلْ أَعُوذُ بِرَبِّ ٱلْفَلَقِ

مِن شَرِّ مَا خَلَقَ

وَمِن شَرِّ غَاسِقٍ إِذَا وَقَبَ

وَمِن شَرِّ ٱلنَّفَّـٰثَـٰتِ فِى ٱلْعُقَدِ

وَمِن شَرِّ حَاسِدٍ إِذَا حَسَدَ

 

Say, O Beloved (peace be upon you),

“I seek refuge in the Lord of the rising dawn,

From the evil of what He has created,

And the evil of darkness when it spreads,

And the evil from the blowers on the knots (black magic),

And from the evil of the envier when he envies.”

Surah Al-Falaq, Verses 1-5

 

So if you look at the design of the Surah, Allah asks us to

seek refuge from Him once, I seek refuge from the Lord of the rising dawn. But the prayer of refuge is from four evils; the evil of creation, the evil of darkness, the evil of black magic and the evil of envy.

 

Now let’s look at Surah An-Naas;

 

قُلْ أَعُوذُ بِرَبِّ النَّاسِ

مَلِكِ النَّاسِ

إِلَٰهِ النَّاسِ

مِن شَرِّ الْوَسْوَاسِ الْخَنَّاسِ

الَّذِي يُوَسْوِسُ فِي صُدُورِ النَّاسِ

مِنَ الْجِنَّةِ وَالنَّاسِ

 

Say (O Beloved (peace be upon you)),

“I seek refuge in the Lord of Mankind,

The King of Mankind,

The God of Mankind,

from the evil of The Whisperer, the one who withdraws (after his whisper),

who whispers in the hearts of Mankind,

from the Jinn and Mankind.”

Surah An-Nas, Verses 1-6

 

In contrast in this Surah, Allah asks Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) to seek refuge invoking Allah’s Name three time; Rab-in Naas, Malik-in Naas, Ilahi-in Naas, the Lord of Mankind, the King of Mankind, The God of Mankind. And from what? From the evil of The Whisperer, the one who withdraws (after his whisper). One thing; Iblis. Three invocations to safeguard ourselves from one being. Do you notice the difference?

So why is that?

 

It is so we understand that Iblis has the strongest hold over us, the greatest power to propel us towards misguidance, towards our destruction. Our nafs listens to him constantly, is influenced by him constantly, is obedient to him constantly.

In order to protect ourselves from this evil, we have to turn towards Allah as our Rab, the one who raises us from when we are small, to our Malik, The One who teaches us how to be when we are mid-life and our Ilahi, who is The One we worship with increased intensity when we are old. Meaning that throughout our existence, we cannot be safe from Iblis for even a single moment, without invoking Allah’s Help and Mercy upon us.”

 

I felt blown away.

 

On that day in Portland I remembered Qari Sahib’s words. It was so clear and disturbing to realize how Iblis had attacked so silently and I had let him ravage me. I thought hard about it, my behaviour, specifically why I took money from someone when I had my own. Why did I think it was owed to me? Was it my ujrat, price, for the silence? I never quite reached an answer but at least I knew now it was wrong. In that silence, I had not even said anything to my brother regarding other people in Lahore who were relying on him.

 

Finally I broke the silence and wrote him a letter.

 

In it I said everything I wanted to say on Day One. But I said it kindly, not condescendingly, not authoritatively. I said it gently, not harshly. I said it humbly because I had been no different from him. I could not get over that for the life of me. He had been tense so I had been tense. He had been curt so I had been cold. He had been tightly wound so I had not relaxed. And almost all of the trip was over.

 

Then something happened that broke the spell. Everything shattered because by chance he felt a moment of happiness.

It was a regular morning. I was hanging out with my niece in our room. Suddenly he walked in beaming. It was something work related, I didn’t even ask what. He just announced that something “great” happened and then he hugged me. He had only done that at the airport when he seemed genuinely happy to see me.

 

I had not been able to get a second hug in on my own. I would think about it all the time, every single day in fact but it just didn’t happen. I literally couldn’t get physically close to him. He didn’t allow it. When I went to his room hoping to hang out, he always said he had a call to make or shower or change. He always wanted other people around.

 

But the real shift that came to me, for me, that was the sign that I was under someone’s nazar, eye, that someone on the other side knew I was struggling and wanted to be forgiven, came from the skies. And it came in the shape of a moon.

 

The first moon and not just any first moon either. It was the moon of the first of Muharram, the new year, the one that comes marking pain and sadness.

 

I had been on the patio trying to catch the color of the skies after the sunset which I almost always missed because it set after 9. I was always home by then. Then my eyes wandered and I saw it. I almost didn’t believe my eyes. That perfect sliver, bright, low, staring at me like it waited for me. I never catch the first moon in Lahore no matter how long I spend driving around looking for it.

 

That night at Isha’ I was euphoric. And then I saw even more clearly what I had been doing wrong.

 

فَإِذَا قَرَأْتَ ٱلْقُرْءَانَ فَٱسْتَعِذْ بِٱللَّهِ مِنَ ٱلشَّيْطَـٰنِ ٱلرَّجِيمِ

إِنَّهُۥ لَيْسَ لَهُۥ سُلْطَـٰنٌ عَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ وَعَلَىٰ رَبِّهِمْ يَتَوَكَّلُونَ

إِنَّمَا سُلْطَـٰنُهُۥ عَلَى ٱلَّذِينَ يَتَوَلَّوْنَهُۥ وَٱلَّذِينَ هُم بِهِۦ مُشْرِكُونَ

 

So when you recite the Quran, seek refuge in Allah from the Shaitaan, the accursed.

Indeed not for him is any authority over those who attain to faith

and upon their Lord they put their trust.

He has power only over those who ally themselves with him following him.

And those who because of him associate others with God.

Surah An Nahl, Verse 98-100

 

I was checking the list on everything wrong. I was not relying on God and Iblis was dancing all over my heart like it was a grave. The grave of my soul because it was dead and I had killed it! But now finally I relaxed. I accepted my reprieve with joy and I shed my sin. I didn’t know the next few days I would be made to learn only more about it so it would be ingrained in me what I had done wrong so perhaps I would not repeat the mistake again.

 

Muharram began and I tried to listen to Uzair’s lectures which were happening on a daily basis. In one of them, he recited the following verse;

 

يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ

قَدْ جَآءَتْكُم مَّوْعِظَةٌ مِّن رَّبِّكُمْ وَشِفَآءٌ لِّمَا فِى ٱلصُّدُور

وَهُدًى وَرَحْمَةٌ لِّلْمُؤْمِنِينَ

 

O Mankind!

 

Verily has come to you an instruction from your Lord, and a healing for what (ill) is in your breasts, and guidance and mercy for the believers.

Surah Yunus, Verse 57

 

I called Qari Sahib from the States to understand the verse. How could I not? The verse was not for me, it was for all of Mankind. And the shifa’, cure, I needed to know what the effect of it was because it was promised.

 

Every word spoke to me. I was the one who had forgotten, was asleep, unaware!

 

Ya Ayyuhan Naas: O you who have forgotten your original purpose and your true abode i.e. Heaven.

 

Qad Ja’akum: the Quran has come to awaken you and make you aware

 

Muwaddatun: and admonish you

 

Min Rabbikum wa shifa ul lima fi sadoor: and cure you of your grudges and heal you of your unhealthy thoughts that are resident in your hearts.

 

Wa huda-n: And it guides even those who are of exalted status and have arrived before Tauheed.

 

Wa Rahmatun: And it consists of abundance of mercy which includes specifically

 

Lil Momineen: the people who are righteous and mindful. So it is upon you to take warning and obey its commands. And ponder upon its secrets and its signs and deeply consider its keys and how it dawns upon you, until you unveil from it according to your capacity and capability to explore it. And Allah is The True Guide towards His Essence for whom He wills from His Servants. He prevails over everything and He is Dominant and Wise.

 

From the beginning of my arrival, I was trying to get my niece to read some books I had brought on different prophets written especially for children. They focused on their stories as specifically mentioned in the Quran.

 

Sometimes I would sit with her and other times, I would read my own book and have her read out loud. One day when she was reading the story about Hazrat Musa (as), she came to a part of Pharoah which I knew nothing about; his background. Everyone I knew only spoke of his days as King of Egypt. But who was he before that?

 

“Pharoah was a poor, jobless and unsuccessful individual living in the city of Isphan in Iran. He had borrowed a lot of money from different people and was unable to pay his debt. The money lenders would demand payment but he had nothing to give them. Thus he was living a miserable life.”

 

OMG!

 

“Pharaoh had a keen interest in palmistry and astrology and would often consult about his fate and future. One of the astrologers advised him to migrate to Egypt as it would bring him honour, luck and fortune. He decided to follow the advice with the meager amount he had. He found that the people of Egypt loved melons.

 

From a village he bought some melons to start a profitable business. As he entered Egypt, he was confronted by corrupt officials who demanded illegal taxes on the melons. Pharoah had no money to pay the taxes so all the melons were confiscated. He submitted a complaint to the Emperor’s court but it was not forwarded.

 

At that time a deadly plague broke out in the city resulting in many deaths. Pharoah chalked out a plan. He reached the graveyard and demanded tax of the dead bodies. Thinking it to be official, people paid the tax as corruption was rampant in the country. As luck would have it, one of the bodies was that of a relative of a high official in the court.

 

Pharoah was taken to the King’s court for demanding illegal taxes. He informed the King about the corrupt practices in his kingdom. The King punished the officials and appointed Pharoah as a courtier. Pharoah’s treatment of the people was exemplary and with his intellect, he rose to the highest position. Soon he became all powerful and proclaimed himself king and insisted that the people prostrate before him.”

 

The ego is the python that can even swallow itself whole! And this is exactly where I was at;

 

لَهُم مِّن جَهَنَّمَ مِهَادٌ وَمِن فَوْقِهِمْ غَوَاشٍ ۚ

وَكَذَٰلِكَ نَجْزِى ٱلظَّـٰلِمِينَ

 

Hell will be their resting place and their covering as well.

And this is how we recompense the wrong doers.

Surah Al-Araaf, Ayaat 41

 

And of course the hell was right here in this world!

 

Tafseer e Jilani:

 

Lahum min jahannama: Hell is the torture of Imkaan, possibility which is doubt

 

Mihaad: and they will burn in these fires of their false desires.

 

Wa min fauqihim ghiwash: They will be covered with the fires of their power and wealth and claims of being great and possessing abundance.

 

Wa ka daalika najzi ad-dualimeen: And the zalimeen, the ones who transgress the boundaries of Allah due to their nafs, who are unjust, will drown in the addiction of their senses, their paranoia and their delusion.

 

All that time I ignored my heart’s call, I had turned away from love from my soul. It answered my question of how others turn their backs to love? Those wonderings I used to have; do they even feel badly about it? In those thoughts I was judging them and so I had been made to stand exactly where they stood. It definitely ended the inquisitiveness that seemed so natural. My nafs was no different from their nafs in being punishing. My torture no different from theirs when it created doubt.

 

I thought about the moon and why it I saw its shortest of appearance marking the start of the most honored of months. There was a prayer I had started saying recently in Lahore after every Namaz. Three times! I had read that a Companion used to recite it three times after every prayer and Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) liked that so much, he kissed him on his forehead.

 

I had even studied it with Qari Sahib before leaving just to understand it more deeply. It began to dawn on me, it was this prayer that I never stopped uttering throughout my debacle, that had come to save me.

 

لَقَدْ جَآءَكُمْ رَسُولٌ مِّنْ أَنفُسِكُمْ

عَزِيزٌ عَلَيْهِ مَا عَنِتُّمْ حَرِيصٌ عَلَيْكُم بِٱلْمُؤْمِنِينَ رَءُوفٌ رَّحِيمٌ

فَإِن تَوَلَّوْا۟ فَقُلْ حَسْبِىَ ٱللَّهُ لَآ إِلَـٰهَ إِلَّا هُوَ ۖ

عَلَيْهِ تَوَكَّلْتُ ۖ

وَهُوَ رَبُّ ٱلْعَرْشِ ٱلْعَظِيمِ

 

Certainly, has come to you a Messenger from yourselves.

Grievous to him is what you suffer,

he is concerned over you,

to the believers he is kind and merciful.

Surah At-Tauba – Verse 128

 

Tafseer e Jilani:

 

Laqad Ja’akum: O bedouins!

 

Rasoolun: the Messenger has come with miracles open and signs clear, that will be created.

 

Min An fusakum: Raised from amongst you is he who has intense love and mercy for you.

 

Aziz-un: Heavy is the burden

 

Alyihi: upon him (peace be upon him)

 

Ma annit-tum: of that which pains you and brings you suffering.

 

And when you come across that which he did not find favourable for you because it was from the signs of kufr, ingratitude

 

and shirk, fears and hopes associated with others.

 

And the absence of obedience and the absence of submission to the Commands of Allah and that which was forbidden to you.

 

Despite this;

 

Harsees un: Surely he is eager for your faith and submission and correction of your state because he is

 

Bil Momineen: with the the ones with certainty, the ones who believe in the One-ness of Allah and the ones who are sincere,

 

Rauf-un: Most kind and full of affection,

 

Raheem-un: he feels mercy for them and is well pleased with them due to their coming out from the darkness of the denial of Truth and ingratitude towards the light of faith and submission.

 

I read the translation of one word over and over;

 

Ma annit-tum: of that which pains you and brings you suffering.

 

And when you come across that which he did not find favourable for you because it was from the signs of kufr, ingratitude

 

and shirk, fears and hopes associated with others.

And the absence of obedience and the absence of submission to the Commands of Allah and that which was forbidden to you.

 

On one of my last days on the coast when I was by myself, I went to the beach and just sat on a rock in the sand. I dug my heels into it and stretched and then picking up a pebble, I wrote the words; “Please forget I did it all, Ya Rabbi!”

 

It made me think of the movie Hollywood made in 2004 about the erasing of disturbing memories; Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. It was prophetic of course. The idea of erasing that which is regretful is now a scientific possibility, yet another to perverse the nature of things. Mistakes are made and can be forgotten but not erased by like they never happened except by God who changes them to good deeds for whom He wills. Without the acknowledgment on our end, there is no reformation, only a repeat of patterns.

 

Still, on that day, in the sand, I wished for things to be erased.

 

Starting at zero is not a problem in spirituality. Hitting the reset button as many times as possible is actually a good thing. It’s not a moment of despair. It’s not a moment of jubilance either but it still marks movement and the trajectory slopes upwards.

 

But sometimes the acts are disappointing to one’s own self because the consequences of it were seen. They were known. They were told. When despite that, the step is taken, the disobedience marked with such terrible willfulness, that there is a deepness of regret and disappointment that cannot be fathomed.

 

And still, the Mercy of Allah and His Friends is deeper so that even such a dark moment is pierced by light.

 

‘So Iblis said to God Almighty, “Oh my Lord, you wrote in my destiny that I not prostrate and now you order me to do so.”

 

And he was told, “When did you know that I didn’t want you to bow down, after I ordered it or before?

 

For if it was before My Command then even your refusal will not harm you but if it was after, then you and an animal are one and the same.”

 

…The whole span of the soul’s spiritual itinerary is contained within this exchange...’

 

And one sentence let me unhook myself from a place where I wanted to be castigated to no end.

 

For if it was before My Command then even your refusal will not harm you…for I knew what I was doing wrong before I was doing it!

 

Then my trip got delayed. It was a blessing in disguise. I was left alone for a week and I got a chance to write this piece which I otherwise might have never written. I was so ashamed. I was alone for all of seven days. I read. I discovered a river. I took in the sun, dipped my feet in water and stared at rocks beneath it.

 

There was a homeless guy living there that I had met already in town. That was surprising, to run into him there. It gave me the chance to take him fresh food a few times. His name was Sam. Which is short for my niece’s name Sameena and the name I use when waiting in line for something. He was the third homeless man we had met that summer whose name was Sam. My niece was counting.

 

We had met one of them, a young man in his 20s, at a pizza joint in the Pearl. It was a sure spot to find someone to feed. On one such day when we got there I saw a man standing next to a cart the homeless use for their stuff.

 

He was in a lousy mood. He looked surly and kept shouting at this woman with him. She had a cart too. I was a little hesitant to approach him in case he yelled at me too but then walked up to him.

 

“Hey man,” I said softly. “Can I get you something to eat? From this pizza joint?”

 

He paused for a second then said, “Sure.”

 

“What would you like?” I asked, relieved.

 

It’s always pepperoni which always makes me wince but then he wasn’t Muslim. I asked him if the woman who was now on the other side of the street might want something too. She said yes.

 

My niece and I got the food and some drinks and took them over. He smiled and thanked me. He seemed calmer. He gave the other box to the woman even speaking to her nicely. As my niece and I walked away, I said to her, “See Lou, sometimes people just need a break from their hard lives. And when someone is kind to them, they soften just like the man did. In an instant. He was even nice to his friend.”

 

She listened seriously and nodded. I love that about her. I can’t get her to listen to me when I want her to open a book or sleep but when I speak to her about other people and she sees them up close, their reactions, she observes them keenly. I know she observes me keenly.

 

A few times while we were on the coast and in the city, I would tell her to come with me while I looked for someone to give food to. She always said yes. A few times in a row, as I pulled up towards a homeless person I would have to give money to because there was no food around, I would say out loud whilst thinking to myself, “Oh man, I hope they won’t use it for drugs.”

 

On every occasion that I did that, it must have happened at least four times, the person was stone cold sober and super nice. Friendly, grateful, gracious, almost innocent.

 

After the third time she said to me with a chiding tone, “Mony, you keep thinking bad things about the people and they’re always not like that.”

 

I smiled embarrassed, actually glad that she called me out on it.

 

“I know,” I said looking at her in the rear view mirror. “I know Lulu. It’s not nice of me to do that. I don’t even know why I’m doing it.”

 

Then I turned around and with a huge grin on my finger pointing at my skull, I said, “Actually, I do know. I’m sick in the head!”

 

She burst out laughing.

 

Almost always I try to have her carry the food and give it. Take the money from my hand and place it in theirs. I want her to hear the way they express such deep gratitude for the tiniest act. How they always bless us. How they always invoke God. How they never want anything specific. How they never ask for more than is offered. How they express such surprise the offer is made at all. These will be the reasons she will do it all her life when she is older. If there ever was something that will bring her God’s Pleasure at the earliest age possible, it will be this act; pleasing a needy person.

 

In that last week of solitude, I had left my Ipod in Portland in a jacket so I was without music. That meant for drives, I listened to Uzair’s lectures. In one of them he spoke about how no one knew the essence of Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) except Allah Alone. It was expressed in a hadith to Hazrat Abu Bakr Siddique (ratu).

 

لم یعلمنی حقیقۃ غیر ربی

 

There is no one who knows my reality except my Lord.

 

Like Allah, he too was a secret that only love for him could unveil.

 

In the lecture, Uzair said that the Companions would eagerly await the Sharia’. They wanted to know what the rules and laws were going to be so they could follow them and become maqbool, those accepted by Allah. But the Sufis say that it was the Sharia’ that waited for Akmal Ar-Rasool, the Prophet who completed Prophet-hood (peace be upon him), to do something so that the act would allow it to take form.

 

Subhan Allah!

 

In those days, I read in Al-Fath Ar Rabbani that there are two types of Masters; the Masters of Jurisprudence (Mashaikh e Sharia’) and the Masters of Recognition of God (Mashakih e Marifat).

 

“The first will bring you to the door of Creation. The second will show you the way towards Allah. You will need to enter both doors; the door of Creation and the door of The Creator. Without going through the first one, you will not even see the second.

 

Take the world out of your heart so entry into the Afterlife is bestowed to you. These are ranks one after the other and they are diametrically opposite to each other. Dependence on creation is the opposite of Recognition of God. They will never co-exist and you will get neither. Unless the heart is empty of all, you are leaving an idol in it. Break the idols, purify the heart and then you will see that which you have never seen.”

 

Uzair explained the exact same thing in a lecture in a single sentence by Imam Malik, one of the four Masters of Jurisprudence, Fiqh which is “the science of understanding and ascertaining the precise terms and practices of the Sharia’ in Islam.”

 

من تفقه ولم يتصوف فقد تفسق

ومن تصوف ولم يتفقه فقد تزندق

ومن جمع بينهما فقد تحقق

 

The one who follows Fiqh, Islamic Jurisprudence, but does not purify the heart,

so indeed he becomes of the defiantly disobedient.

The one who purifies the heart and ignores the laws of Jurisprudence,

he becomes a disbeliever.

And the one who gathers them both, indeed he attains certainty and arrives at the truth.

 

As someone who knows little about Islamic Jurisprudence and only hears negative things about it in Pakistan because they are all not do-able for the mod squad, I was amazed at the words the Imam used. Without Sharia’, I would become a heretic? It was stunning. And the one who thought they were following every law to the tee but left tasawuff, spirituality as taught by the Sufis who taught one how to purify the heart, out was in fact the one who would become disobedient. A fasiq, like Iblis!

 

The curve balls that life throws at you will never end. I guess if they did then where would the growth come from. Only in my regression do I remember how deeply imperfect I am. Otherwise to be honest, my life in Lahore, is like I live in a cave. I wish it was a cave. And I was like the Ashab e Kahf.

 

“Make yourself like a corpse before your Lord,” Ghaus Pak (ra) says. “Like a corpse is in the hands of the one who bathes it.

Turns it left and turns it right. Without existence, without planning, without choice. Stand with faith and certainty before that which comes to you from Him. The only thing that remains in the face of taqdeer, that which has been ordained for you, is Imaan, faith.

 

Close the doors of asking people and open the door of only asking God. Remember that if Allah wants creation to being harm upon you, they will bring you harm. And if He wants them to bring you benefit, only then will they benefit you. For their hearts are working according to His Will and He will make them hard or soft. He gives life and gives death. He gives or not gives. He grants you respect and He gives to you humiliation. He gives you illness and He gives you health. He gives you nourishment and He leaves you to be hungry. He is The First and The Last and The Overt and The Hidden!”

 

Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him) says that there is a way to everything and the way to Paradise is ilm, knowledge. The Sufis say that the only Paradise is proximity to his person. It is what every single thing in creation asked for of him when they had the opportunity to present that ask; mountains, trees, animals (of this realm and the others), humans. And when it comes to the pursuit of knowledge, in the Quran lie the keys that Allah refers to in the verse;

 

يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلنَّاسُ

قَدْ جَآءَتْكُم مَّوْعِظَةٌ مِّن رَّبِّكُمْ وَشِفَآءٌ لِّمَا فِى ٱلصُّدُور

وَهُدًى وَرَحْمَةٌ لِّلْمُؤْمِنِينَ

 

O Mankind!

Verily has come to you an instruction from your Lord, and a healing for what (ill) is in your breasts, and guidance and mercy for the believers.

Surah Yunus, Verse 57

 

“So it is upon you to take warning and obey its commands. And ponder upon its secrets and its signs and deeply consider its keys and how it dawns upon you, until you unveil from it according to your capacity and capability to explore it.”

 

Nabi Pak (peace be upon him) said in the most well known hadith;

 

اَنَا مَدِيْنَةُ الْعِلْمِ وَ عَلِيٌ بَابُهَا

فَمَنْ اَرَادَ الْعِلْمَ فَلْیَاْتِهَا مِنْ بَابِهَا

 

“I am the city of knowledge and Ali is the door to enter it

so the one who desires knowledge should come through this door.”

 

The Imam is the door that all Spiritual Masters and spirituality stands at the foot of!

 

In that last week, I went to the river I had found again and again. The second time I went, even Sam wasn’t there. I had seen him cycling into town on the highway and turned the car around to get to the other side to say hi. I had gotten him a sandwich and it was meat so if I hadn’t seen him, it would have gone to waste. Or at least eaten cold by someone hours later.

 

On the way to the river, I saw a man with an extremely old truck pulled over on the side of the one lane highway that went towards Portland. He had jumper cables in his hand so clearly his battery was dead. As I zipped passed him I wondered if someone would actually stop to help him. It was a sunny Sunday. People were either coming to the coast in droves or leaving to get back to the city early.

 

I turned the car around and went back to where he was. I brought the car to face him so my engine was in front of his.

 

Stepping out of the car I said, “Hey man! I don’t know anything about how to do it but if you want to use my battery,” and I opened the hood, “here it is.”

 

He lifted it but neither of us could find the lever that would hold the bonnet up. He asked me to start his car while he fiddled with something in his engine but it didn’t start. There was a little dog running around and the truck was filled with bags. It looked like he was living in it.

 

“It’s ok,” he said finally giving up and instead asked, “Can you give me a lift to my camp site?”

 

“Ummmm,” the usual thought emerged from my mental head, my germophobe OCD kicking in. I just stared him for long enough that he said, not begrudgingly at all. “It’s alright.

Someone else will come along.”

 

“Will they?” my heart asked me. It was like I froze and just stood there.

 

“I got the shot,” he said possibly thinking my hesitation was rooted in being scared because of COVID.

 

“Shot?” I echoed, then thought Oh, Pfizer!

 

“Yeah,” I remarked. “I don’t really care about that man.”

It was true. I was still sailing on the “jiss to hona hai uss to hona hai” boat because that’s exactly how I was seeing it play out. Totally randomly! Plus he seemed more concerned about my well-being than some of my friends who were vaccinated & had clearly lost their minds living in seclusion for too many months in their homes.

 

I went and sat in my car but didn’t turn the engine on to leave. After a couple of minutes of working my way through my paranoia, knowing I was being an ass, I spoke.

 

“You know what,” finally the words came out, “I’ll drop you at your site. Where did you say it was again?”

 

“Four miles down the road,” he said. “I just have my bags and food and ice-box,” he said walking to the back of his truck.

 

I piled his stuff in the trunk of the jeep. The man got into the car and we started speaking. He told me he lived in South East Portland but was thinking of coming to the coast. He camped there every summer for a couple of months. It wasn’t the first time he had car trouble.

 

Then for some reason he mentioned he had been in and out of jail his whole life.

 

“Oh,” I said with deep sympathy. “Why?”

 

“DUIs,” he said. And I realized he was a little inebriated even now.

 

Exactly four miles out came his spot. He got out and I helped him with the bags. I even offered to take them to the site but he declined. He was probably in his 50s. My age. But he looked older as poor people do.

 

I went back to the river and walked over to where Sam lived. There was a campfire, a sleeping bag, a log that served as a pillow and to lean his back on. There was a jar of coffee, some cocoa, some other bag that looked like it had ziplocks in it. That’s it.

 

The log that was the pillow reminded me of Nabi Kareem (peace be upon him). He had a rock that was a pillow. He chose to rest his head on it.

 

On the coast the day could be very sunny but the nights were always cold. And it was still August. What did Sam do in the winter, I thought? What did any homeless person do?

 

The whole thing reminded me of Huzoor Nizam Pak (ra) again, who was bestowed the title Mehbooh e Ilahi, the one beloved to God. I had quoted the story often in my writings. His not eating any delicious and being asked about it.

 

Mehboob e Ilahi (ra) had softly replied, “I do and I know I can whenever I want. But then when such food is placed before me, I can’t stop thinking about the ones who roam the Earth hungry and homeless, forgotten by the world and I can’t bring myself to swallow a single bite.”

 

Luckily I was able to see Sam one more time. I got everything I could think he might need and brought my niece. She had met him once and loved talking to him. He was so gentle.

 

That last afternoon we sat and talked a lot together. He told us he liked drawing the pictures he saw in stars. One of them he called The King of Angels.

 

"Maybe its Gabriel (as)," I said.

 

He nodded. "Maybe it is."

 

Then he told us how he had been picking nails and pointy stones off roads so that they would not hurt anyone.

 

"I think I got lucky because of that," he said thoughtfully looking at the ground. "Cause I have been eating some good food lately."

 

I was dying to tell him of the hadith of Nabi Kareem (saw) about the exact act - “While a man was walking in the road, he found a thorny branch in the road and he moved it aside. Allah appreciated his deed and forgave him” - but just looked at him. Then when we got up to leave, he got up too and hugged us both.

 

"Thank you for being my friends," he said.

 

As I turned away, i started crying. I was so sad to say bye. My niece followed me. Seeing my wipe my eyes, she placed her little hand softly on my shoulder, "It's ok Mony," she said her eyes wet. "Maybe you'll see him again soon."

 

We waded in the water some more then went home. That was how the coast trip ended.

 

In the end I left my brother with nothing really changed between us but on the last day he was soft too. But I already knew, the ordinary never really change anyone anyway, except perhaps momentarily. What they do is make an offering of love. If accepted it is light that penetrates darkness for as long as the other wants it to. That’s about it. But love is the only opening. That opening came for me this summer in a verse, in my silence, in some tears and in the moon.

 

The truth is it comes for anyone who longs for it. All kinds of prayers can be denied or remain unanswered, almost always because, for some reason or another, they’re the wrong ask anyway, but I have found that love from those connected to God is an absolute sure thing. They never abandon you.

 

I will be ending the trip without that halo on my head, that’s for sure. Instead I leave reaching a different goal that my ego never even imagined; being the worst of all. It doesn’t sound like something to be happy about per se but it is. For it ensures one thing; the silence that was so hard for me to practice might become easier. On the Day of Judgment, all the Prophets will decline the people’s requests to intercede for them before Allah because of a single mistake they made in a lifetime. And they didn’t even have free will!

 

I didn’t know I had idols in my heart in Lahore. I had to come to another country to see them. As disturbing as that vision was, it presented an opportunity for me to shatter them. With them, I had to shatter too. Deeds will have to begin from zero again. And who knows maybe this time round, they will finally be soaked in sincerity.

 

“Strive to attain certainty for verily you have attained to faith,

repent and express that you are sorry and regret,

and weep tears that stream down your cheeks,

for this crying in the fear of disappointing Allah douses the fires of your sins

and extinguishes His Wrath.

When your heart truly atones, then without doubt,

the nur, light, of the sincere repentance will appear upon your face

making it lit!

Ghaus Pak