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This (to me) looks the same as the Comma butterfly but definitely has a different ID mark. On looking again at the Comma .. I noticed it does have a black/dark edge to its upper wing. This one doesn't.
Correction: Mark Oliver tells me.. Sue - the photo on the right (closed) is a Question Mark but the open-winged photo is a Compton Tortoiseshell. FYI
*He is an expert on butterflies, so thanks Mark!
… and free association. Here are my notes and ruminations from Scott Page’s talk at the SFI Overview on Complex Adaptive Systems.
“Perspective is a way to encode the world. There is a perspective from which any problem is easy.”
“Bee hives must stay at 96 degrees for bees to reach maturity. Bees can cool with their wings or huddle together for warmth. Genetically homogenous bees all move together, and the temperature fluctuates widely. Genetically diverse bees keep the hive at a constant temperature.”
Page’s conclusion that diversity is as important as ability seems pretty profound.
His argument for diversity in complex adaptive systems seems to be to be the underpinning of that popular book by Surowiecki, The Wisdom of Crowds.
I’d posit that diverse group performance comes not from convergence to the mean on a single parameter scale, but the factoring of diverse and orthogonal perspectives. Diversity brings more variables into the multivariate regression of teams.
According to Scott Page, “People in diverse groups are less happy. Their views are challenged, and they feel like the outcomes were manipulated. Based on their experiences, they will self-report that it was not better than when they were on a homogenous team.”
As you increase diversity, complexity goes up, but then it drops and you get the central limit theorem. There is a sweet spot with just the right interplay between agents. Also, there is not one dimension that perspectives lie along. Diversity captures orthogonal perspectives and more adjacencies. The better the perspective, the less rugged the landscape (in terms of finding the global optimum and not getting trapped in local optima). Consultants can hop across local peaks without being any smarter or more experienced in their client’s business. The goal is not regression to the mean.
Thinking about the wisdom of crowds as an emergence, this is the question I have been wrestling with:
Does the minimal threshold complexity for interesting emergent phenomena necessitate inscrutability of results by members of the system?
For example, if a group of diverse people routinely beats the experts, where does the learning occur? It seems to be at the system level, and not the individual level. The decision may make no sense to the individual members, but the decision making process does. The “wisdom” of the process could be taught to others, but not the outcomes.
This generalization about emergence seems to hold for evolution, brains & neural networks, hives, and cultural memetic drift (more on this). In interesting systems, the emergent phenomena are at a different layer of abstraction, and may only be recognized by “in-process” or nodal members by pattern or proxy.
The first question which the priest and the Levite asked was: "If I stop to help this man, what will happen to me?" But... the good Samaritan reversed the question: "If I do not stop to help this man, what will happen to him?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.
A matter of height...
© Please don't use this picture on websites, blogs or other media without my permission.
New blog celebrating my philosophy of photography with tips, insights, and tutorials!
Ask me any questions! :)
Sony A7R RAW Photos of Pretty Brunette Bikini Swimsuit Model Goddess! Carl Zeiss Sony FE 55mm F1.8 ZA Sonnar T* Lens! Lightroom 5.3 ! Pretty Hazel Eyes & Silky Brown / Black Hair!
And here're a couple of HD video movies I shot of the goddess with the 4K Sony:
Enjoy! Be sure to watch in the full 1080P HD!
The epic goddess was tall, thin, fit, tan, and in wonderful shape (as you can see).
Check out my greatest hits compilation, and let me know what you think:
www.elliotmcguckenphotography.com/45surf/45SURF-Heros-Ody...
Epic Goddess Straight Out of Hero's Odyssey Mythology! Pretty Model! :) Tall, thin, fit and beautiful!
Welcome to your epic hero's odyssey! The beautiful 45surf goddess sisters hath called ye to adventure, beckoning ye to read deeply Homer's Iliad and Odyssey, whence ye shall learn of yer own exalted artistic path guided by Hero's Odyssey Mythology. I wouldn't be saying it if it hadn't happened to me.
New 500px!
500px.com/herosodysseymythology
New instagram! instagram.com/45surf
Pretty Swimsuit Bikini Model Goddess! :)
Follow me on facebook! facebook.com/elliot.mcgucken
Nikon D300 Photos of Beautfiul Sexy Hot Brunette!
She was a beauty--a gold 45 goddess for sure! A Gold 45 Goddess exalts the archetypal form of Athena--the Greek Goddess of wisdom, warfare, strategy, heroic endeavour, handicrafts and reason. A Gold 45 Goddess guards the beauty of dx4/dt=ic and embodies 45SURF's motto "Virtus, Honoris, et Actio Pro Veritas, Amor, et Bellus, (Strength, Honor, and Action for Truth, Love, and Beauty," and she stands ready to inspire and guide you along your epic, heroic journey into art and mythology. It is Athena who descends to call Telemachus to Adventure in the first book of Homer's Odyssey--to man up, find news of his true father Odysseus, and rid his home of the false suitors, and too, it is Athena who descends in the first book of Homer's Iliad, to calm the Rage of Achilles who is about to draw his sword so as to slay his commander who just seized Achilles' prize, thusly robbing Achilles of his Honor--the higher prize Achilles fought for. And now Athena descends once again, assuming the form of a Gold 45 Goddess, to inspire you along your epic journey of heroic endeavour.
ALL THE BEST on your Epic Hero's Odyssey from Johnny Ranger McCoy!
Modeling the Gold 45 Revolver Gold'N'Virtue swimsuit. :)
A laid-back,classic, socal lifestyle shoot!
May the 45surf goddesses inspire you along am artistic journey of your own making!
All 45surf Hero's Odyssey Mythology Photography is shot in the honor of Truth, Beauty, and the Light of Physicist Dr. E's Moving Dimensions Theory's dx4/dt=ic . The fourth dimension is expanding relative to the three spatial dimensions at the rate of c. Ergo relativity, time, entropy, and entanglement.
All the best on your Epic Hero's Odyssey from Johnny Ranger McCoy!
New blog celebrating my philosophy of photography with tips, insights, and tutorials!
Ask me any questions! :)
Not much to say about this one ... whatever this couple was smiling about, it certainly put them in a good mood.
Note: this photo was published in a Jun 18, 2009 blog titled "リア充を気取ってモテカワ愛されブロガーになるたった5つの方法." It was also published in a Jul 27, 2009 blog titled "Conflict: Part Two." And, somewhat curiously, it was published on the home page of a website called Jew For Me. It was also published in a Feb 18, 2009 blog titled "Number One Piece of Dating Advice Broken Down."
More recently, the photo was published in a May 24, 2010 blog titled "Trouwkaarten: hoe kies ik de foto." It was also published in a Jun 4, 2010 blog titled "Balancing parenting and marriage: Keeping the intimacy alive." And it was published in a Jun 28, 2010 blog titled "Don't Fail Her First Test." It was also published in a Jul 9, 2010 blog titled "Waiting to Meet Janice." And it was published in a Dec 17, 2010 blog titled "Looking for Love Has Its Pitfalls." It was also published in a Dec 23, 2010 blog titled "Sustainable Love: Obstacles to Intimate Conversation."
Moving into 2011, the photo was published in a Jan 20, 2011 Russian blog titled "5 начина да я впечатлиш на първите ви срещи." And it was published in a Mar 4, 2011 blog titled "あなたの脳は男脳？ それとも女脳?" It was also published in an undated (mid-Jul 2011) MagForWomen blog titled "Seven Mean Ways To Manipulate Men." It was also published in a Jul 29, 2011 blog titled "10 Ways To Wreck Your Marriage." And it was published in an Aug 4, 2011 blog titled "【ホンマでっか!? TV】男性にとって魅力的な女性、忘れられない女性とは?" It was also published in an Aug 29, 2011 Slate (France) blog titled " Les soucis financiers empêchent les femmes de dormir, pas les hommes."
Moving into 2012, the photo was published in a Jan 31, 2012 blog titled "Best Money Tips: Frugal Dating Tips for New Couples" It was also published in a Mar 13, 2012 blog titled "Pleased Couple." And it was published in a Jul 12, 2012 blog titled "6 Questions to Ask Your New Travel Partner Before Your First Trip." It was also published as an illustration in an undated (early Sep 2012) "love quiz" titled "Are you too dominating on your partner?"
Moving into 2013, the photo was published in a Feb 19, 2013 blog titled "Dr. Enrique Peñalosa Delivers Keynote Speech at Recycle-A-Bicycle’s 3rd Annual Youth Bike Summit." It was also published in a Mar 7, 2013 blog titled "Get Tested: It’s Easier Than You Think." And it was published in an undated (mid-Apr 2013) Mommathon blog titled "Parenting Advice and Parenting Skills." It was also published in a May 24, 2013 blog titled "Four Ways your Relationship May Be Harming Your Health." And it was published in a Jul 19, 2013 blog titled "12 Couples That Need To Get A Room." It was also published as one of ten illustrative slides in an undated (early Aug 2013) blog titled "Cheating Myths."
Moving into 2014, the photo was published in a Feb 18, 2014 blog titled Your First Impression About Someone Is Usually True, Study Finds www.hngn.com/articles/24649/20140218/first-impression-som...
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When you say "New York City," most people think of Times Square, or the Empire State Building, or the crowded sidewalks and the skyscrapers in mid-town, or Wall Street, or the ill-fated World Trade Center. Maybe Central Park will come to mind, but most people don't realize that New Yorkers know lots of places to relax, and enjoy the sunshine and fresh air ...
... like Carl Schurz Park, over by the East River on the Upper East Side of Manhattan, stretching from 90th Street down to about 84th Street. In addition to flower gardens, dog runs, basketball courts, playgrounds, and grassy knolls for sunbathing, there is also a wide promenade where cyclists, roller-skaters, dog-walkers, lovers, joggers, parents, children, and any of the other millions of citizens of this city can stroll along at whatever pace suits them best. Some sit at benches along the edge of the river, staring at the roiling water caused by the swift current down the East River; others nod and smile as they watch sailboats, motorboats, yachts, barges, tour-boats, and barges ply their way up and down the river.
One thing's for certain, though: everyone enjoys Carl Schurz Park. It's one of New York's little secrets ...
Can anyone explain why this cicada has a long dark hair protruding from its head? Is this part of its body or just something it picked up? I haven't seen anything similar in other images of cicadas
For Berlin
Why do we never get an answer
When we're knocking at the door
With a thousand million questions
About hate and death and war?
When we stop and look around us
There is nothing that we need.
In a world of persecution that is burning in its greed.
Berlin, Jewish Museum, Summer 2015
Taken hand held === SOOC ===
Title and text is a Moody Blues song
Would it still be historically accurate to give a Russian the gaiter legs on the right? I was going to get a matching marine torso to use with it yesterday but thanks to friggin CB day they sold out within 30 minutes.
Several contacts have expressed interest and asked questions about the Red Kites, the feeding station and the feeding programme. If you’re not interested, skip this blurb.
I spoke to the RSPB man who told me that Red Kites started relying on human leftovers thousands of years ago, when hunter gatherers would chuck out bones etc after eating their meal. This would have taken place in the afternoon apparently, the hunters having hunted in the morning, cooked and eaten by the afternoon. So the kites got used to having a free meal.... So now they give it to them at 2pm GMT. (3pm BST)
The other purpose served by this gathering of kites is that the young need to learn where the communal winter roosts are, and if they all gather at 2pm for a feed they can follow the older ones to the roosts afterwards. They can’t survive cold winter nights all alone in a tree. So for these reasons they don’t plan to ever stop feeding these kites, its a permanent programme, but he wouldn’t tell me where the roosts are, its secret.
A Red Kite has a wing span of five and a half feet and weighs just 1 kilo. (That wing span is the same as my height !!) But a buzzard has a wing span of 4 feet and weighs 3 kilos. So, the kite is a delicate bird compared to a buzzard and a lot less powerful. From the ground a buzzard can rise four feet with one wing beat, a kite needs three wing beats to rise by the same amount.... this is the explanation the RSPB man gave for their reluctance to come down for the food sometimes, the food is in front of trees, where foxes might be lurking, and they are slow to gain height to escape.
He told me there are four Kite feeding stations in Wales, but this one is the most scenic, and is also the only one that is free. You only have to pay for the car park (£1.50). The location is Bwlch Nant yr Arian, on the A44 between the villages of Llywernog and Cwmbrwyno (and in case you think there aren’t enough vowels in that name, a “w” in Welsh is pronounced “oo”). There is also a cafe, toilets, children’s playground, walks and mountain bike trail. Good views too if the weather is right. I'll post a picture or two soon of the views I took today.
If you plan to visit, make sure to know that the weather is going to be good, its in the mountains and when its bad its very bad. Winter is great for the light if its sunny, the sun being low enough to light their undersides. If its not sunny, there is so little light that you’ll be using ISO 2000, as you’ll probably want a shutter speed of around 1000th sec.
If you do plan a visit, be sure to let me know, its only about half an hour’s drive from where I live and I might be able to meet you.
Because of the obvious marking on its wing.
Because of a band that I liked in my younger days I always want to call this 'Question Mark and the Mysterians'
For Macro Mondays: Games
and Our Daily Challenge: Pieces and Orange
Well, it's nearly Christmas so the Trivial pursuit game will no doubt make an appearance, I haven't looked at the questions and answers.... honest!
This game does something to people though, I love that the person asking the questions often takes on an air of superiority when you don't know the answer, but they have just read it so of course they know it!
:-D
L'Asir désigne aussi une région du sud-ouest de l'Arabie saoudite. Elle est composée d'une plaine cotière et d'un ensemble montagneux, les monts de l'Asir, qui est une partie des monts Sarawat ou Sarat, importante chaîne de montagnes reliant le sud de la Jordanie au golfe d'Aden. L'Asir comporte quelques hauteurs dépassant 3000 mètres d'altitude. Parmi elles on peut citer le Jebel Sawda (3133 mètres), point culminant de l'Arabie saoudite. Toutefois, cette altitude est remise en question par les mesures du SRTM qui donne une élévation de 3015 mètres. La région se singularise par son climat plus frais et plus humide que le reste du pays. L'Asir est aussi le nom d'une province (mintaqat) de l'Arabie saoudite peuplée d'environ 1 833 658 habitants en 2009 [1] et dont les villes principales sont Khamis Mushayt et Abha, la capitale
A lovely fall day! This little treasure was warming itself in dense praire grasses. Winds flowing through the grasses posed a focusing challenge.. but what a beautiful butterfly!
No Mysterians though
Question Mark and the Mysterians was a band that had a big hit with "96 Tears" back when I was a teen.
Taken by me a few months ago , anyone care to guess the vehicle ID. Not many would have seen this motors interior........(Posted with permission of the owner)
[ ape in un fiore dorato ] ...[ Dedicated to all my Flickr-friends ]
....and dedicated to Bernini an Italian sculptor who includes the bee somewhere in his works..
I just got a new 0.5 macro lense..this is not it..
I used the older one for this, easier for point and shoot while working with my guy at my house.
When this installation was first on view, many have questioned what it was intended to mean. The words “Same but not equal” was painted in all caps on top of a collage of Thai newspaper “khaosod” on linen canvas. The panel was placed on top of two piles of Thai rice. Although the pile of rice appears the same, one pile of rice is ordinary rice and the other, apparently, is premium export-grade Thai jasmine rice.
To one art blog Blouin Art Info [1], it is a commentary about ABHK, where Art Basel Hong Kong, though featuring many of the same galleries seen Art Basel Switzerland and Art Basel Miami, is in many ways different than their counterparts given the type of art works being shown in comparison.
To me, it is a commentary on a larger issue where news media speak of the same kind of political news though their analysis and content is highly different.
Art is up to all kinds of interpretation. I have no idea if the artist created this piece specifically for ABHK, if so then perhaps that does have some validity. It is interesting nevertheless, though I would most certainly not pay 100-150k USD for it which is apparently the asking price for this work [2].
Rirkrit Tiravanija
Untitled (same but not equal), 2013
Newspaper on Linen, Rice
286 x 220 cm
# Rirkrit Tiravanija
b. 1961 Buenos Aires, Argentina
1980 Carleton University
1980-1984 Ontario College of Art, Toronto, Canada
1984 Banff Center School of Fine Arts
1984–86 School of the Art Institute of Chicago
1985-86 Whitney Independent Studies Program
1982 Moved to New York, NY
Rirkrit Tiravanija (Thai: ฤกษ์ฤทธิ์ ตีระวนิช, pronunciation: [rɯk-rit tira-wanit] or Tea-rah-vah-nit) is a contemporary artist residing in New York, Berlin, and Chiang Mai. He was born in Buenos Aires, Argentina in 1961. His installations often take the form of stages or rooms for sharing meals, cooking, reading or playing music; architecture or structures for living and socializing are a core element in his work.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rirkrit_Tiravanija
# Shanghai Gallery of Art 沪申画廊
3F, No. 3, Zhong Shan Dong Yi Road
200002 Shanghai
China
# Notes
1. enjp.blouinartinfo.com/news/story/905969/same-but-not-equ...
2. artsy.net/artwork/rirkrit-tiravanija-untitled-same-but-no...
# SML Data
+ Date: 2013-05-23T17:45:10+0800
+ Dimensions: 5412 x 3619
+ Exposure: 1/40 sec at f/8.0
+ Focal Length: 29 mm
+ ISO: 640
+ Camera: Canon EOS 6D
+ Lens: Canon EF 17-40 f/4L USM
+ GPS: 22°16'59" N 114°10'22" E
+ Location: 香港會議展覽中心 Hong Kong Convention and Exhibition Centre (HKCEC)
+ Workflow: Lightroom 4
+ Serial: SML.20130523.6D.14129
+ Series: 新聞攝影 Photojournalism, SML Fine Art, Art Basel Hong Kong 2013
# Media Licensing
Creative Commons (CCBY) See-ming Lee 李思明 / SML Photography / SML Universe Limited
Mixed media installation by Rirkrit Tiravanija (b. 1961): Untitled (same but not equal), 2013 (Newspaper on Linen, Rice) / 沪申画廊 Shanghai Gallery of Art / Art Basel Hong Kong 2013 / SML.20130523.6D.14129
/ #ABHK #Photojournalism #CreativeCommons #CCBY #SMLPhotography #SMLUniverse #SMLFineArt #SMLProjects
/ #中國 #中国 #China #香港 #HongKong #攝影 #摄影 #photography #Art #FineArt #ArtBasel #RirkritTiravanija #沪申画廊 #ShanghaiGalleryOfArt #installation #mixedmedia #rice #same #equal
I fell in love at 17 and married that man at 25. We were the ideal couple and admired by many. He could build anything, fix anything, was handsome, loving and so very kind. I was the somewhat pretty girl, in my view, but never quite good enough. I grew up with a constant questioning of my looks, my worth, my intelligence. I had a boyfriend for two seconds in 7th grade, and then not again until late in my senior year. And guess what? I married him. Never had I felt more at home and safe, and truly in love. The problem was, I had never stopped questioning my worth. And I continued to look for validation and nods of approval from other people. It became “not enough” to have my husband’s love, I was looking for more. Though I was not aware I was doing this, I also started to measure and question my husband’s love as true or not. This would look like me flirting with people even in front of my husband (if he seemed jealous, maybe he really loved me) or leading people on just enough to have to tell them I was in a relationship. This was a pattern for me, one I didn’t see clearly at the time. (I also didn’t see, couldn’t see that every flirt, glance, or lead-on was me looking for me). And, I loved him. When he would leave for work, I would feel a loss, I loved being with him. I even think he knew about me and my insecurities, and loved me still.
We decided to have kids once he turned 30, and that was when things got really strained.
Jonas came in to this world with an extremely rare genetic disorder that ultrasound and genetic testing at the time did not detect. The dream of starting a family the way I had imagined was thrown into a washing machine, dryer and then a wood chipper. He struggled with life from the start, and ended up in the hospital a lot. That started the dynamic of once my husband came home, I would hand him our son and go hide in housework or a book or some other escape. There was a lot of love, pain, struggling, more hospitalizations, sleepless nights and generalized anxiety. I was not grounded in who I was, I was surviving. Jonas wasn’t even typical for an atypical child. In the handicapped and special needs world, he was the most complex. That wasn’t even the most difficult part. That was the crying. He seemed to never stop. He mostly cried, with little moments of calm (the opposite from other children)...something that didn’t improve much till he was 5 or so. Then I had this great idea to have another baby. At least I could have something ‘normal’ to deal with. Wesley came about 18 months later, and was as I imagined. Perfectly typical. Keeping myself busy, distracted, “important”, having so many reasons to not deal with who I was and what I needed led me to eventually come to the realization that our marriage wasn’t working. He didn’t love me. I had been collecting evidence like “see he didn’t even kiss me goodnight” “he never called to check in from work” or “why does he call me from work, he doesn’t think I know how to take care of the kids?” I had convinced myself he wasn’t the ‘one’ for me after all. That the love must not be real, and it must be somewhere else. So, I started to wait for my true love. And thoughts like “wait, He was my true love so what happened??” came but for some reason I avoided working it out. I had my answer, true love was coming from somewhere else. And then guess what? It did.
I started down the divorce path, and it got real. There were so many moments I knew I had messed everything up, and I should just go back and try to repair things. That was paired with a justification because evidence still showed he didn’t love me. I mean, he was letting me divorce him.
Our divorce took years. I couldn’t do it. Then I could. Then I couldn’t. I stalled, he stalled. I avoided. He avoided. But all the while, I was in a new relationship...the one I called the ‘true love’. The stalling and avoiding was impacting my new relationship. It felt like I was taking off my own arm so that I could feel more complete. And it made as much sense as that. The pain got so overwhelming at one point, I broke up my new relationship thinking it would all get easier. I had been dealing with extreme anger and hatred from my ex-husband’s family. A family I once loved, and who supposedly loved me. There was so much anxiety and fear and pain, at one point I contracted mono, paired with hepatitis and spent months on the couch. Alone. That was when I realized my now ex husband found the love of his life. How could I feel jealous and angry? Well, I did. She was younger. And pretty. Great body. And she had my kids with her half the time. What.the.fuck.
It got ugly. I had finally found moments of peace and workability with my ex husband where he wasn’t angry all the time, and now she’s here? Well, that brought a new level of tension and drama. I remember a soccer game where he brought his brother and parents, and I brought my sister so I’d have backup. His girlfriend was sitting on the ground with Jonas and I couldn’t even get near him. How freaking awkward. What were people thinking. What does it mean about me that I cant just go over there and tell her that I would like to hold my own son. In times like those, I wanted the earth to swallow me up. It went on like that for a while. I had moments of extending the olive branch, and trying to be nice and sharing movie recommendations. Something inside of me knew it could be different. I even saw things I liked about her. And deep down, I still loved my ex. I could see that I didn’t love him romantically per se, but that I was not complete with the way things were. It was like a nagging constant voice of why? why? why? why? In my head. Meaning, why was it like this? Why are we pretending to be enemies? Didn’t it make sense what I did? Aren’t you happier now? Why are you still mad? Voices in my head would confuse me and have me wonder why I’m still wanting him to prove his love to me. After all I did? But it was like that: “You should hate me. Why do you hate me? You should thank me. I am so sorry. You should be sorry. “
Years go by in a mostly polite, kind-of peaceful manner and then I had a great idea. I would invite them to this enormous party I was having for Jonas. He had lived for 10 years by then, and every time he was sick I would try to prepare myself for his death. So when he was about to turn 10, I thought we should throw him a ‘life party’. I rented a place, and catered the event with food and drinks, music, games, and a movie I had made about Jonas (which included his dad and now girlfriend). Well, they came, and it was fine. They managed to find people to talk to without it being awkward for them, and I was so happy to be having a party of love that I didn’t even worry about them. I also didn’t worry if I was hugging my new husband too much. I guess I was starting to feel overall more comfortable inside with the choices we all made. Well then the first of many small miracles happened. When the party was over, she sent me a text. She shared that it was amazing for her to get a glimpse of the mother that I really am, instead of through the lens of my ex family (who still hated my guts I was sure). She saw the love, and what I had created for Jonas, and she started to wonder at the person I really was. It was the first moment perhaps, that she actually saw me. For me, that was validating and gave me the energy to keep going, to keep moving in the direction of healing and peace. Man, all it took was saying something nice to one another. We make it so complicated.
The next monumental moment was after I took a course through Landmark Education and invited her to my ‘graduation night’. She came, and she brought me a gift. I thought that was adorable. Maybe I was starting to actually like this girl? That very night, she signed up for the same course, and signed her husband (my ex husband) up too. Once we all took that course, our healing and forgiving and connecting took off. All we needed was a common language so that no one feels blamed, or wronged. We all learned about how dynamics are created, and how we keep patterns alive in our thinking -and now we had tools to actually share when we got hurt or upset. This is also around the time that I finally started to understand what happened in my marriage. I learned that when I was younger and in a certain moment with my parents, I convinced myself that they didn’t love me. It was not conscious. I also in that moment, learned to shut my love off in response. I then got to see how that had created patterns of hurt and pain, and shutting off my love for people- all without me knowing it was a decision I made from childhood. I actually felt justified and it all felt real. To constantly question people’s love became normal. I collect evidence to support my ‘truth’, and then I usually distance myself from that person. Divorce.
Yes, I do think it could have been avoided had I learned this about myself sooner. But would I go back now? No. I’d even go through the yuckiest, sickest, deepest sadness of my life to be where we are today. After Landmark, we were no longer afraid to share time together. We started hanging out a little bit more. We eventually shared Christmas Eve together. We really enjoyed our time together. We hit a few bumps in the road, but they didn’t stop us, and Megan and I started calling each other if we sensed something was up. We realized we had a common commitment to the kids being happy, and now we were both living from that. In the past three years, my husband and I hosted their first baby shower at our home, we have gone on vacation together, we have had countless dinners, brunches and lunches together. Last Christmas Jonas ended up in the hospital for about 3 weeks. His heart stopped. For 25 minutes. My ex husband Kieran, his wife Megan and I stood at the head of Jonas’s bed and watched while they tirelessly tried to revive him. They surrounded me in love beyond what I could have ever expected. What we shared in that moment, really got me present to that THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS LIKE TO SHARE A CHILD. Before the drama. Blaming. Comparing. When we are able to forget about our own complaints, judgements, etc...we were just there because we love someone. Our son. Stepson. Whatever. It’s all love. When we let love BE there, it all makes sense. Those few weeks with the four of us in the same hospital room provided a slowing down of life, and a presence with each other that is difficult to achieve in every day life. We talked about what each of us wants for Jonas. What kind of life we want to have for him, for us as a family and as individuals. COVID didn’t stop us, and only kept us in the conversation of how we really want to live. We have had dinners or lunches every weekend when we ‘trade’ the kids. We are talking about that together, anything is possible. We could even live abroad. What can I say? Life works when we clean up our complaints and take responsibility for our happiness. Imagine if I hadn’t invited them to Jonas’s party? It just took an act of kindness.
This is a story about true love. And how I know it exists. No, I didn’t marry my high school sweetheart, travel the world, have 3 kids who are now doctors and lawyers and now we’re sitting on the front porch swing holding hands.
No, no, it’s much more than that. Love, Grief, and Gut Wrenching Pain. Dreams and expectations thwarted. Lies of the worst kind. Near death experiences. Divorce. Is the true love about my current husband? No. And yes. It is the true love that existed all along that allowed for healing and an ultimately stable environment for our kids. True love, isn’t the marriage that lasts for 40 years only. It is there in the mess, in the hurt, in the pain, in the lies. It’s just covered up by our opinions and thoughts about it all. I am so profoundly happy that I listened to the voice (that was almost silenced) that I could still love my first husband, and that it didn’t have to be romantic to still be love. And trust it to build what we built. Kieran held the other end of this. I am so grateful to his wife Megan for being so strong and badass to allow space for that to happen. And my husband, who tirelessly fought for us to all heal.
And lastly, perhaps the greatest love affair was me falling in love with me. I never knew how to do that. Everyone says ‘love yourself so that you can love others’. But no one ever tells us what that actually looks like in real life. It might look like saying “No”. Maybe not having the third glass of wine because you don’t need it to feel ‘comfortable’. Maybe it looks like exercising not to get into a size ‘6’ but because you want to nurture your well being. Telling the truth. Not needing so much validation. It might look different altogether for others. But its not a course, we do not get a certificate in this. It becomes a declaration. For me, I declare myself worthy of love exactly as I am, with my awful mistakes and loving intentions all the same. I hope this inspires all to do the same. No matter what.
This photo caught me in a genuinely reflective moment in early June during a rather wonderful day of cross-dressing. I find I am still dealing with my cross-dressing and as the shutter closed I was suddenly in a moment of pure contentment because I was wearing full make-up, a wig, my entire body had been waxed and was smooth and hair free, I had plucked my eyebrows, I had false breasts, I was a wearing a bra and knickers, I was wearing a dress and high heel shoes, my nails were painted and I had attached clip on ear rings and dabbed on perfume. I suddenly found myself wondering about the whole thing, was I doing something wrong? Was I right to give into my desire to dress up as a woman? Why was I doing this? Many thoughts cascaded through my mind at this brief moment in time.
I describe myself as a transvestite and I like calling myself that. I find it gives me a thrill to realise I am a man that loves dressing up as a woman. In fact I think its an amazing thing to experience as a male. I enjoy all the effort and commitment required to try and look female. One of the big appeals is how far dare I push things to attempt to be feminine. As I'm not feminine it is a challenge for me and I'm drawn into it every time I cross-dress.
I'll be honest and admit I wish I was physically feminine and had smooth soft skin and a feminine face and physically smaller and slimmer, I would dearly love to be more feminine than masculine but I'm stuck with what I've got as I'm a man.
I enjoy living as a man the majority of the time but without warning the desire to be female can suddenly crash in and consume me and I could weep with the frustration of not being a woman. It's interesting as I feel I am definitely a transvestite, I like being an occasional cross-dressing male yet, I cannot deny at times the urge to be female is dominant and I desperately wish I was one. This overwhelming emotional desire can have me in its grip me for periods and I now know that eventually it diminishes and I get on with life as a man again. I feel there is an element of transsexualism within me as I do love being a woman when I dress up as one.
I am always aware though I am just dressing up and acting know matter how much effort I put into it, I'm still a man under the wig, make-up and dress. Funnily though, that very knowledge thrills and excites me, I genuinely like the idea I'm posing as a woman and it is all an illusion. Of course for me personally I have no real belief I succeed in my female illusion but I adore the experiences and gain a lot of reward from spending time in my female alter-ego. It works rather nicely on several levels for me, emotionally I love it, I enjoy the delight of having a shaved hair free body, I absolutely love wearing make-up...mascara, lipstick, eye-liner...ooh, such heaven! Having tucked genitals, false breasts and wearing lingerie and dresses and skirts is again such a delight and utterly wonderful and as for high heels, I just feel fabulous when I slip them on.
I know I look like a parody of a woman and not like a real woman but I do find an emotional comfort once I'm transformed to the best of my ability and I don't feel unsettled by my swapping gender in my head and acting more female. I've said it before but I would like to experience some time in the role of a woman. It may sound homosexual but I would like to be a female companion out for dinner or a wee drink with a man and I would play the part one hundred percent as a female. I'm not attracted to men at all but the desire to pass a woman and spend time as a female makes me feel such an experience would make my female illusion feel like it's working. It sounds harsh but the man would merely be a prop for my performance. I do see my Helene persona as more of a character acting performance as I ultimately know I live as a man. I've said many times I'm also frustrated actor at heart and the idea of playing a woman convincingly really holds great appeal and also the transsexual element within me feels at home with the scenario I outlined.
What I am attempting to to do, or more accurately become is an heterosexual woman. I know it's an act but I would love to play the role and see if I could carry it off convincingly. I would love to be referred to as 'she', 'her' and perceived as a lady...I would love it!
My biggest ambition is to one day master the ability of completely swapping gender and acting naturally as a woman. I can already do the man thing but I am intrigued to see if I can also be a woman when I become Helene. I lack the self belief just now and I am not that confident in my skills and abilities so much work is needed. I have been accused of being homosexual for expressing similar ambitions for my female persona in the past but I compare myself more to a straight male actor playing a gay man. In my case I'm a straight male playing a female character and I want to play the role realistically. I need to become the woman I am portraying to make the experience feel real to me.
There is of course a flip side to all of this as part of me says 'Really? Maybe you do have homosexual tendencies'. But really I don't quite feel that is correct for me. I just feel what I seek is when I'm a man then I'm a man but as I have an emotional need to feel I can be female now and again then it is natural that when I become a woman then I am a woman. Is it possible to be heterosexual in both genders when one of them, the female, is just an illusion because I'm really a man? I am excited by this as I believe one can be and the sheer daring and adventure of that is both thrilling and a personal challenge I'm attracted to exploring.
I do get frustrated by many in the transgender world being too simplistic and forcing things into black and white explanations, I think as transgender people things are very complex for us in many areas and this is not just about ones sexuality. For example the age old complaint of women can wear male clothing and nobody questions their choices but men cant wear women's clothes without being seen as odd does not quite hold water. When women wear male clothing they usually still look unmistakably like women, its rare they are perceived as being male. Also, they are not trying to look like men. However, when men dress in women's clothing we do take it a lot further as we wear make-up, wigs with female hair styles, add breasts and some of us shave our legs, chest and arms and tuck away our male genitals and wear female underwear...in short we are not just wearing female clothes in our case we are actually trying to look like women, it's quite a different approach to women wearing male clothing. There is a lot more going on in for cross-dressers than just clothes and make-up, we definitely take it emotionally and physically into different area, when we cross-dress many of us desire to look feminine and to look like women.
A friend recently asked me outright why I dressed up as a woman, it was curiosity not a hostile question. I found it was impossible to give him a simple answer as my own desire to seems to have several different motivations driving it. If I were simplistic about it I could say it's because I really enjoy it and I admit I really do! Yet within me are the things I described earlier in this musing and at its core I do have part of me that wishes I was indeed female yet the majority of my being likes my life as a man. I think it comes down to each of us who engage in transvestism has personal urges and desires and some are common but many are individual. I like dressing up and acting the part yet I know I would also like to be that women for real. Part of me believes I can be an heterosexual woman and when I am dressed as Helene I can talk reasonably comfortably about men and enjoy their attention. As I admitted I would be thrilled to actually play the role one hundred percent and be seen with a man and this leads onto what else would I do? Would I allow myself to be kissed? Would I have sex with a man? The reality I feel confident about it is I would not get intimate with a man as I'm married and loyal to my wife so it is unlikely anything I've outlined would ever happen. However, I like to question myself as I can delude myself and I ask if I were not in a relationship how far would I go? I do have a deep curiosity to see how much of a woman I can be and act as so maybe I would allow those kisses and enjoy flirting with a man. I will admit when I am dressed as a woman I am thrilled if a man desires me or finds me attractive as a woman. I cannot quite see that I really look female enough but it has happened and I was definitely thrilled by it.
I remember once, back in 2002, I hired a make-up artist to help me learn about applying make-up as I was keen to look good in make-up...ha! Some hope, I told you I was delusional. He told me once I was transformed into Helene that I was behaving like a man and very self conscious. I said something unconvincing in reply and he said look you've gone to all this effort so best become the female you are presenting as. He was right, I realised my own inhibitions and concerns were holding my female persona back, I needed to shake them off and move forward and embrace my female self. That meant I had to swap genders in my head and become a woman. That thought terrified me for my nearly a decade. It is only in the last few years I managed to attempt this and really this is thanks to a few years ago the tireless encouragement of Michele Bennet and in recent years the most wonderful support and encouragement ever from the lovely Pamela Lennon in Ireland that has revolutionised my mental attitude to cross-dressing and trying to fulfil my dreams. I owe those wonderful ladies a lot and I am still amazed they persisted with me. I confess I adore Pamela as she has enlightened me and been incredibly influential and has empowered me to true liberation as Helene. When others attacked me last year it was Pamela that supported me and never lost heart in encouraging my dream and rekindled my belief in Helene as I nearly gave up on my female self at one point.
Being a transvestite is an emotive experience and full of uncertainty and one can be a bit sensitive about things relating to it. It is a complex thing to live with and though it comes with incredible experiences, delights and joy it is for me always tinged with concerns, doubts and a high degree of guilt, fear and uncertainty, it's all part of the heady mix that goes with the knowledge and activity of being a transvestite.
So, the question has to be, is this the beginning of this photo set and the point at which it began...
..or
is this just the beginning of the end..!!???💥😘💋
I try to make things easier, somehow, for you and for me.
So i thought that maybe it was a good idea, for future nomads, to announce day and time of release. Of course it would be handled through my mail not through flickr.
But i know some people won´t wait to see her in the day and time of release. It has happened before.
So, maybe, it would be a good idea to put the nomads up for grabs at et sy, sometimes at least? Announce it, and then, first is first.
And sometime, one nomad could pop up on the e b ay.
What do you think of this?
Buenaaas. Aqui comiendome la cabeza, de como hacer las cosas mejor.
Me gustaria saber vuestra opinion en cuanto a anunciar dia y hora de salida de una nomada. Como siempre, se llevaria a traves de mi mail, no por aqui. Pero como ha pasado antes que ni se ha esperado a ver la niña, sino que la han reclamado y punto, que os parece la idea de poner algunas al menos en et sy? Asi quien la coja la cojio, pero de verdad. Alguna de vez en cuando podria ir al e b ay pa que no fuese solo cuestion de rapidez, que ahi influye tb la velocidad de la conexion.
Bueno, pues a ver que me decis :)