View allAll Photos Tagged NoteToSelf
Maybe it makes sense that you feel completely exhausted, wilted, depleted and unable to function. It is understandable that you are struggling so much after all the harm you’ve experienced, its atrocious effects which have been trapped within you for a lifetime, and the brutal, unpredictable, draining, crippling and devastating ways it still affects you. Though it’s very difficult for you, maybe it’s alright to allow yourself to rest, to care for yourself, and give yourself some grace as you courageously work to keep fighting for life.
[image created on 5-4-2023]
" always make it a practice to stir your own mind thoroughly to think through what you have easily believed. your position is not really yours until you make it yours through suffering and study. the author or speaker from which you learn the most is not the one who teaches you something you didn't know before, but the one who helps you take a truth with which you have quietly struggled, give it expression, and speak it clearly and boldly. " --- Oswald Chambers
*** sorry, i can't visit your streams yet... hopefully over the weekend i can... :)
You have experienced so much deeply painful oppression, you’ve been pushed down, trampled and crushed. And there is One who sees you, all that has been done to you, and He cares, is with you and will never abandon you.
____________________________
“The wicked arrogantly hunt down the poor. Let them be caught in the evil they plan for others.
Their helpless victims are crushed; they fall beneath the strength of the wicked.
But you see the trouble and grief they cause. You take note of it and punish them. The helpless put their trust in you. You defend the orphans.
Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them. You will bring justice to the orphans and the oppressed, so mere people can no longer terrify them.”
Psalms 10:2, 10, 14, 17-18
"God grant me the courage not to give up what i think is right even though i think it is hopeless." --- Chester W. Nimitz
It’s ok if all you can do in this moment is listen to the sound of your favorite calming music and try to keep breathing. It’s ok to focus on the peaceful, soothing sounds of the string instruments you find so beautifully captivating and grounding. It’s ok to listen to the sound of survival, the sound of healing, the sound of growth, the sound of wounded parts being seen, cared for and mended, the sound of light in the darkness. Though it certainly doesn’t feel like it, this is what is happening—one note at a time, one moment at a time—as you listen to the sound.
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If you’re interested in checking out this beautiful, peaceful, calming orchestra music here’s the playlist: youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_nKXQuhTyVW3-AOPDuqCKU8d...
I wake to a world covered in fog and spend my days not doing much until it gets dark again. In those hours before the world turns black I have the strong urge to create. I want to capture the last yellow leaves, the first November rain, the cold wind that brushes the outside of our house, how cosy my room feels at this time of the year, but sometimes I just stay in the moment. I try to enjoy it the way it is and wonder why it always feels like something is missing when I don't take photographs. It's never just beautiful or just cosy or just warm, it’s always fading and unsettling and cold, too. I curl up in my warm bed and try to let go, but the artist inside me never seems to rest.
I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves. ~Anna Quindlen, "Enough Bookshelves"
This is the first ever image I've posted from my newest pinhole camera, the Innova 6x9. And, I'll be honest: I could easily end up posting all eight images from that first roll. Part of it's the novelty of the 6x9 format for me, part of it is that all the images are of Sakura cherry trees, but most of it is due to the fact that Mr. Don Pyle makes a beautiful and beautifully functioning pinhole camera. I'm seriously in love with the images it produced, and I'm thinking that this is the start of a wonderful relationship.
Innova, welcome to my camera bag. (Don't worry, my well-loved, tarnished and taped Zero Image 6x6... I'll make sure you still have a place, too.)
You invest so much energy in doing simple, basic things each day even when you’re exhausted, critical of yourself for not doing “important, productive” things or question whether you’re worthy of expending resources doing these things. Thank you for working to get through these challenging obstacles and caring for yourself by doing necessary tasks as well as stepping outside to appreciate your natural surroundings even when it feels impossible. Through experience you’ve seen evidence that putting forth the energy to put on your old, worn out shoes, walk outside and spend some time in nature and capturing it’s beauty, interest, story and detail through pictures can sometimes be helpful, refreshing or at the very least a healthy way to work to cope.
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These old, worn out shoes of mine have come to symbolize hard work, fighting for life and working to cope in extremely difficult circumstances. And going outside, walking around the yard and taking pictures has been one of many ways I’ve worked to cope when I’m struggling a lot or when I’m working to help myself not become even more overwhelmed. I’m thankful for the opportunity to be able to spend time outside in the yard.
There is just something about Berlin that’s always felt like home to me. The way the streets feel more autumnal than in any other city, the cold air that winter always brings, the many places to explore and most of all the strong feeling of belonging I always get when I am there.
Much like this view, where you see evidence of the green grass, yellow dandelion flowers and the white dandelions gone to seed, maybe it’s ok if you don’t have all the details of your experience. And still, not knowing all the details leads you to question and criticize yourself, which makes sense—your unspeakable experiences taught you not to trust yourself, not to be kind or understanding toward yourself. Perhaps not having all the details is part of how you were thoughtfully created with wisdom, having intuition to know the truth and also the protective parts of your mind and body revealing portions of your overwhelming experiences, piece by piece, for the sake of your own safety and survival. Maybe it's ok to believe the truth of your experiences without knowing all the details, at least for now, and with the understanding you may never have all the details. It is challenging for you to believe, and you are still worthy of trust, care, love, support, connection, healing and growth no matter how many or how few precise details you know about your experiences.
[image created on 5-8-2023]
The intense harm you’ve endured trained you to believe it is wrong and not allowed for you (but perfectly acceptable for other people) to reach out for and receive help, support, care and kindness. Though it’s difficult to believe and nearly impossible to practice, maybe it’s ok for you to reach out for support. Maybe these relational components are also necessary for you, just like all other people…perhaps you truly are created to connect. Thank you for working—at a pace appropriate for you—to reach out for support as you are able.
#NotetoSelf
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One evening as I worked to help myself cope I went outside with a camera. This is one thing that caught my attention as I took note of the plants growing along the gravel road across the street from our home. The wilting dandelion seemed to be reaching out to and resting on the seeded grass for support. To me this was a beautiful reminder of what I’m slowly learning to believe and put into practice.
[image created on 5-22-2023]
so there's this girl and she's really inspiring, so this girl started a group and i thought i'd play by sharing my analog blogging from the days of yore. it's interesting to look at this stuff again.
& and every day I learn a little more about what lonely really is
undated journal entry with sticker, circa mid to late 90s
You are standing, you are taking steps, you are moving forward at a time when it seems unmanageable. It seems as though it’s impossible for any other person to truly understand how much work, energy, bravery and courage this “little,” basic act requires of you, how incredibly challenging it can be. Even though this is contrary to what you had been led to believe, maybe during this time it’s important for you to notice how much you are investing and accomplishing, what a victorious moment this is for you and to remind yourself of this fact rather than criticizing and condemning yourself for all you’re unable to achieve. Though it appears small and insignificant, perhaps this moment needs to be recognized in a truthful, grace-filled manner.
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This is a motion blur picture of myself walking in our yard showing my old, worn out, blue shoes I use for practical purposes like working (or playing) outside, against the grass in the yard that was slowly turning from brown to green which I’d taken within the past few months (4/11/2022) as a way to try to help myself cope. This morning I’d faced some intense body memories along with deep emotional struggles and was so worn out and debilitated I had no idea how I’d manage to do my regular 30 minutes of walking. Not sure how but eventually I stood, then slowly walked—a surprising victory in that moment. As I pushed myself to keep walking I remembered this picture I had taken a few months ago. Then these words written above began to come to mind which helped give me strength to keep standing and taking each challenging step.
What people see of you on the outside often doesn’t match what is happening inside you. You try to be “ok enough” when extremely harmful experiences have left you feeling so trapped in the darkness, overwhelmed, questioning reality and suffering so much that you just want it all to end. Over your lifetime this has been a difficult struggle and sometimes you were not even fully aware this was happening. It’s a big burden to try to conceal and hide your pain inside so that you don’t bother, burden, inconvenience and upset others. Keeping this intense battle locked inside is very isolating, painful and life threatening. Very slowly, over time, with a tremendous amount of intense, meaningful internal work and with steadfast support you are seeing some growth and improvement. It is still an extremely difficult struggle and sometimes you can start to see the light that is beyond the darkness.
[image created on 2-24-2024]
Recently I became very fascinated by digital pinhole photography. This image was created with a modified pinhole body cap. I think I’m drawn to this type of photography because I feel it relates to my life and it seems to teach me far beyond photography. There are strict limitations that can drastically alter how images are captured and the final outcome of the photos, there is a lack of clarity compared to how I normally capture images with a lens, it’s difficult to predict exactly how the image will look and beauty and meaning can be found in the process and the final photo. It gives me a chance to practice embracing the unfamiliar, change, finding beauty in imperfection and growing in new ways.
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As a way to cope with circumstances beyond my control, survive and work to keep fighting for life I decided to try to take at least one photo (or more) each day. I call this “a photo (or more) a day.” Practicing this form of therapeutic photography helps me work to focus on the present moment, gives me something familiar and enjoyable to focus on as I use photography skills that have become like second-nature to me and being able to view the images I capture helps me recall what I was thinking, feeling and noticing at the moment when I created the photos. More of the photos from this series can be seen on my Instagram account
I may not always have the energy, time or capacity to share photos from this series—especially with the very challenging circumstances my family and I are experiencing—and will do my best to continue taking a photo (or more) a day even if I’m not able to share.
If you would like to support my work and my family, one way you can do so is by ordering my zines:
Many thanks for your support.
You are always working so hard—whether it’s actively working on notes for therapy appointments, working inwardly on holding your composure together, working to survive the ever-present, terrorizing physical reminders felt within your own body, working to battle the disturbing thoughts, or working to manage the terribly unpleasant symptoms of anxiety, depression and the unpredictable effects of trauma. Thank you for working so hard. Though you’re never really free of this tremendous workload it’s ok to take time to rest—resting is necessary for you and also your ability to continue on working.
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I took this self portrait back on October 27, 2021. It was one of the many days when I went with my family to the kid’s piano lessons and while waiting on the kids I sat in the passenger seat typing up therapy notes for one of 3 weekly therapy appointments the next day. Often I grow so weary of the work this requires of me, often giving up time with my family as I do the hard work of trying to engage in the process of healing and growth. I find that not only do I spend countless hours doing this type of work, I also spend most every moment of each day working so hard to survive the effects of enduring multiple traumatic experiences. This is incredibly exhausting work and necessary for healing and growth.
Note to Self: all parts of you are welcome here.
• • • • • • • • • • • • •
My old, worn out shoes I wear when I’m working outdoors, doing something potentially messy, or out venturing around taking pictures, that I took off next to the floor mat reminded me [contrary to what I’d been led to believe] it’s ok to be who I was created to be and all parts of me are welcome here.
You’ve experienced layer upon layer of hurts, abuse, devastation, and pain far beyond your capacity to cope. As a result you live an extremely challenging life, trying your best to survive and function with a traumatized heart. While it feels like there’s more devastation, decay and darkness within your traumatized heart than your body, mind and soul can bear, there are also some glimmers of light, color, hope and life there too. Please remember that each piece of your heart is valid and is allowed to be recognized. And though it is awful, there are also some pleasant places even within your traumatized heart.
Don't leave your camera bag in shot when using a fisheye lens! Another from our adventures in the flooded Derbyshire Lime Kiln.
Though it can be challenging and misunderstood by others it’s ok to choose to honor your reality in healthy ways. Often in our culture the focus is placed on things like the beauty, the finding good in harm, the pushing through at all costs, the glamour, the neat and tidy, the so-called “resilience” that trauma produces, the positive, the “blessings” of pain, suffering and mistreatment, or the happy ending. It’s ok and even healthy for you to recognize the aspects that can go unnoticed—things like rest, grace for yourself, truth, the deep, extremely difficult yet rewarding internal work, repairing and retraining your brain and thought processes one tiny, thoughtful step at a time, just breathing when even that seems like too much to handle, choosing to fight for life when you’d rather just quit trying to survive, or working to open yourself up to trustworthy people. It’s important to remember, recognize and even celebrate all the “behind the scenes” work that gives life that produces the beautiful, blooming growth over time.
#NotetoSelf
[image created on 5-24-2023]
The darkness of the horrific harm you’ve experienced tries to completely cover you and somehow you still try to fight it even though you have very little strength left. You work to keep reaching for the light even though it feels impossible and far too painful to do so. Thank you for choosing to stay here, keep breathing and taking steps to engage in this constant, ongoing, painful, extremely exhausting and meaningful battle.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”
John 1:5
Best viewed Large, Straight out of the camera. Zilker park.
Sleepless nights and endless days
And all I do is promise to change my ways
Leave the lights on, you know I'll pretend you're on you're way
You used to say that there's a time we all deserve to lose our minds
So I lost my mind now I'm ready to find my way
Explore #80 on Friday, November 14, 2008
Your intense struggles, circumstances beyond your control, severe anxiety and depression, and ever-present trauma symptoms all feel like too much, often leaving you feeling very off kilter. And this dilapidated December dandelion growing in the yard next to the road reminds you of God’s grace and the importance and beauty in your hard work, healing, growth and perseverance when it feels impossible.
Sometimes it’s too much to stand on our own. It’s ok to lean on others in a healthy way.
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Another of many images I’ve taken from the passenger seat on a drive home from one of my neurofeedback appointments. I never know how these images will turn out as we’re driving down one of the highways or the interstate we travel. This process of making photos of my surroundings really is helpful and calming for me.
Take one moment at a time. | Breathe in, breathe out.
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These are words I wrote when I didn’t know how to keep functioning or how intense things might get as I faced the unknown and the uncertain condition of my husband’s health.
I had this tiny sketchbook and one of my favorite pens in my jacket pocket nearly 2 weeks ago [10/3/22] while anxiously sitting in the waiting area at the hospital during my husband’s bronchoscopy that was being done so doctors could diagnose what type of lung infection my husband had in order to treat it effectively. I became even more anxious and overwhelmed when my husband’s lung transplant doctor came out and talked to me and let me know that his lungs looked bad enough that he would probably need to be admitted to the hospital. As I sat there, not knowing how I would manage to survive the anxiety, stress, fear, unknown and overwhelm I was experiencing, I pulled out this tiny sketchbook and wrote some phrases that came to mind in order to help myself try my best to cope. I am thankful for the gift we each have of listening to what may be helpful for us to cope in the moment.
You’ve experienced so much darkness. As you continue to live with this darkness and feel crushed by the truth of your brutal reality, you’ve slowly started learning what a gift it truly is when someone can nonjudgmentally, in a healthy way, meet together with you in the crushing darkness. Though this is healthy it is foreign, unfamiliar, even scary. You lack the words to explain and in your heart you can notice the positive difference, the light, the encouragement, the moments of hope, the growth. And while it doesn’t erase the pain and the struggle, what a beautiful gift this is.
______________________
One evening while walking around outside I saw this in our driveway. It was so fascinating to me how these two helicopters made the shape of a heart, they were together and one was dark and the other was full of light from the setting sun.
This is very difficult. | You’re doing the best you can.
____________
These are words I wrote when I didn’t know how to keep functioning or how intense things might get as I faced the unknown and the uncertain condition of my husband’s health.
I had this tiny sketchbook and one of my favorite pens in my jacket pocket nearly 2 weeks ago [10/3/22] while anxiously sitting in the waiting area at the hospital during my husband’s bronchoscopy that was being done so doctors could diagnose what type of lung infection my husband had in order to treat it effectively. I became even more anxious and overwhelmed when my husband’s lung transplant doctor came out and talked to me and let me know that his lungs looked bad enough that he would probably need to be admitted to the hospital. As I sat there, not knowing how I would manage to survive the anxiety, stress, fear, unknown and overwhelm I was experiencing, I pulled out this tiny sketchbook and wrote some phrases that came to mind in order to help myself try my best to cope. I am thankful for the gift we each have of listening to what may be helpful for us to cope in the moment.
A reminder to myself when the plate is too full and it's hard to focus and decide where to start. May was really busy, and luckily things have calmed down now, two months later. The post-it was trashed as soon as those crazy, busy days were over.
It’s ok to ask for help. | It won’t last forever at this intensity.
____________
These are words I wrote when I didn’t know how to keep functioning or how intense things might get as I faced the unknown and the uncertain condition of my husband’s health.
I had this tiny sketchbook and one of my favorite pens in my jacket pocket nearly 2 weeks ago [10/3/22] while anxiously sitting in the waiting area at the hospital during my husband’s bronchoscopy that was being done so doctors could diagnose what type of lung infection my husband had in order to treat it effectively. I became even more anxious and overwhelmed when my husband’s lung transplant doctor came out and talked to me and let me know that his lungs looked bad enough that he would probably need to be admitted to the hospital. As I sat there, not knowing how I would manage to survive the anxiety, stress, fear, unknown and overwhelm I was experiencing, I pulled out this tiny sketchbook and wrote some phrases that came to mind in order to help myself try my best to cope. I am thankful for the gift we each have of listening to what may be helpful for us to cope in the moment.
note to self.
i'm sure there will be a better film version of this eventually, but for right now... here's an edited copy.
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The unwritten rule is, if you leave someone, you must leave them all behind. You must take everything with you so there is nothing left for them to keep going back to. If you're going to rip something, let all the pain hurt at once so they can be left alone to heal without your interruption. No one wants to get caught when they have gotten so far.
And, if someone is leaving you behind, remind yourself that you are not falling behind but merely learning and moving forward. You leave their suitcases in what you used to call home and run. You run as fast as you can before they take it back. You don't turn around for them to open old wounds with new hands; because they are leaving you, you must be left, and you get up to leave as well.
#NoteToSelf
-things will get better.
Randomly speaking of everything in my life. The things I want to change (bad habits).
And the things I want to improve & appreciate more, like the little things in life that make me happy.
[Girls theme week: Writing to myself =P]
After the unspeakable evil and the harm you’ve experienced, sometimes it feels the only way you can experience freedom is to close your eyes and “disappear” to try to escape the continual, extreme overwhelm which can intensify beyond your capacity to cope. It’s not ideal, can be very complex, crippling and is understandable considering your devastating circumstances. It’s certainly not simple or easy and you are working so faithfully and diligently to find more freedom in the present moment.
#NotetoSelf
#aphotoaday
#fromthepassengerseat
Since most of our belongings are packed up and in storage I don’t have access to much and I was able to find some (very lightweight) sewing thread and a very flimsy needle my daughter had here with her and I used our low budget home printer to create this. Normally I wouldn’t use such low quality items for something like this. I didn’t have much to work with and I was determined to not let this completely stop me from creating. I have since made a few more little photo collections like this and this practice and process has been very helpful in my coping and healing journey. I’m so thankful I gave this a try and for how I find this process to be therapeutic and how it helps me continue to grow. I included this collection of printed images with notes I took to an appointment with my therapist and am so thankful I took pictures of it as a reminder of this work since I no longer have a copy for myself.
[image created on 1-30-2024]
____________________________
As a way to cope with circumstances beyond my control, survive and work to keep fighting for life I decided to try to take at least one photo (or more) each day. I call this “a photo (or more) a day.” Practicing this form of therapeutic photography helps me work to focus on the present moment, gives me something familiar and enjoyable to focus on as I use photography skills that have become like second-nature to me and being able to view the images I capture helps me recall what I was thinking, feeling and noticing at the moment when I created the photos. More of the photos from this series can be seen on my Instagram account
I may not always have the energy, time or capacity to share photos from this series—especially with the very challenging circumstances my family and I are experiencing—and will do my best to continue taking a photo (or more) a day even if I’m not able to share.
If you would like to support my work and my family, one way you can do so is by ordering my zines:
Many thanks for your support.
Do you know that strangely menacing-yet-beautiful, scary-yet-uplifting sound the world makes? You're not alone.
[from an essay by George A. Reisch; Radiohead and Philosophy]
For Iron Photographer 224, the elements of which are as follows:
1 - something to drink (Galliano)
2 - a note to self
3 - soft colour
It makes sense that you have heavily reverted to your “default”—mostly keeping to yourself when what you’re experiencing cannot be adequately expressed with words. The past harm which still terrorizes and cripples you today, combined with the present, intense stress, hurt and extreme uncertainty is nearly impossible to survive—each very difficult element impacting and intensifying one another. Even though it seems nearly impossible, you’re trying so hard to hold on, continue trusting God and do your part. This is all so complex, easily misunderstood from the outside, and it makes sense that you struggle to share with and receive support from others—too many times this has not been safe for you. There are no words for your experience and you are trying your best—that is worthy of recognition.
#NotetoSelf
[image created on 10-1-2023, words written on 11-5]
_________________
My family and I have been put in a very painful, extremely difficult situation and have to move (with only 30 days notice) from the place we've called home for nearly 15 years and currently have no place to go. We are trying to trust God with this humanly impossible situation and are working to do what we need to. We would greatly appreciate prayer for our family. Thank you so much.
One practical way you can support my work and our family is through ordering my photo zines:
My favorite quote & was philosopher ... this quote made my day ! Mama introduced me to him as a junior in HS... Bought philosophy book after school & later minor in philosophy in College
Inspired by my friend Craig, this is a note to myself.
I have no cause ever to complain about anything. I have the most fantastic friends all over the world, I make money doing the things I love, and I get to travel around and meet wonderful people and see inspiring places.
I am so goddamn lucky.
Thank you my friends for being so wonderful. You make me happy.
“What would you have? Your gentleness shall force
More than your force move us to gentleness.”
- William Shakespeare
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
~ Steve Jobs