View allAll Photos Tagged NoteToSelf
You have experienced intense harm and evil so devastating that you find yourself questioning reality. It’s so easy for you to question yourself, to believe this means you are weak and it comes more naturally to turn this inward and severely criticize yourself. And you’re doing the hard work of looking for beauty and goodness wherever you can discover it and finding ways to try to express and validate your very real experience when you can’t find words for it. Maybe that is strength.
[image created on 3-1-2024]
Recently I became very fascinated by digital pinhole photography. This image was created with a modified pinhole body cap. I think I’m drawn to this type of photography because I feel it relates to my life and it seems to teach me far beyond photography. There are strict limitations that can drastically alter how images are captured and the final outcome of the photos, there is a lack of clarity compared to how I normally capture images with a lens, it’s difficult to predict exactly how the image will look and beauty and meaning can be found in the process and the final photo. It gives me a chance to practice embracing the unfamiliar, change, finding beauty in imperfection and growing in new ways.
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As a way to cope with circumstances beyond my control, survive and work to keep fighting for life I decided to try to take at least one photo (or more) each day. I call this “a photo (or more) a day.” Practicing this form of therapeutic photography helps me work to focus on the present moment, gives me something familiar and enjoyable to focus on as I use photography skills that have become like second-nature to me and being able to view the images I capture helps me recall what I was thinking, feeling and noticing at the moment when I created the photos. More of the photos from this series can be seen on my Instagram account
I may not always have the energy, time or capacity to share photos from this series—especially with the very challenging circumstances my family and I are experiencing—and will do my best to continue taking a photo (or more) a day even if I’m not able to share.
If you would like to support my work and my family, one way you can do so is by ordering my zines:
Many thanks for your support.
Maybe it makes sense that you feel completely exhausted, wilted, depleted and unable to function. It is understandable that you are struggling so much after all the harm you’ve experienced, its atrocious effects which have been trapped within you for a lifetime, and the brutal, unpredictable, draining, crippling and devastating ways it still affects you. Though it’s very difficult for you, maybe it’s alright to allow yourself to rest, to care for yourself, and give yourself some grace as you courageously work to keep fighting for life.
[image created on 5-4-2023]
I wake to a world covered in fog and spend my days not doing much until it gets dark again. In those hours before the world turns black I have the strong urge to create. I want to capture the last yellow leaves, the first November rain, the cold wind that brushes the outside of our house, how cosy my room feels at this time of the year, but sometimes I just stay in the moment. I try to enjoy it the way it is and wonder why it always feels like something is missing when I don't take photographs. It's never just beautiful or just cosy or just warm, it’s always fading and unsettling and cold, too. I curl up in my warm bed and try to let go, but the artist inside me never seems to rest.
I would be most content if my children grew up to be the kind of people who think decorating consists mostly of building enough bookshelves. ~Anna Quindlen, "Enough Bookshelves"
This is the first ever image I've posted from my newest pinhole camera, the Innova 6x9. And, I'll be honest: I could easily end up posting all eight images from that first roll. Part of it's the novelty of the 6x9 format for me, part of it is that all the images are of Sakura cherry trees, but most of it is due to the fact that Mr. Don Pyle makes a beautiful and beautifully functioning pinhole camera. I'm seriously in love with the images it produced, and I'm thinking that this is the start of a wonderful relationship.
Innova, welcome to my camera bag. (Don't worry, my well-loved, tarnished and taped Zero Image 6x6... I'll make sure you still have a place, too.)
There is just something about Berlin that’s always felt like home to me. The way the streets feel more autumnal than in any other city, the cold air that winter always brings, the many places to explore and most of all the strong feeling of belonging I always get when I am there.
It’s ok if all you can do in this moment is listen to the sound of your favorite calming music and try to keep breathing. It’s ok to focus on the peaceful, soothing sounds of the string instruments you find so beautifully captivating and grounding. It’s ok to listen to the sound of survival, the sound of healing, the sound of growth, the sound of wounded parts being seen, cared for and mended, the sound of light in the darkness. Though it certainly doesn’t feel like it, this is what is happening—one note at a time, one moment at a time—as you listen to the sound.
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If you’re interested in checking out this beautiful, peaceful, calming orchestra music here’s the playlist: youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_nKXQuhTyVW3-AOPDuqCKU8d...
so there's this girl and she's really inspiring, so this girl started a group and i thought i'd play by sharing my analog blogging from the days of yore. it's interesting to look at this stuff again.
& and every day I learn a little more about what lonely really is
undated journal entry with sticker, circa mid to late 90s
Much like this view, where you see evidence of the green grass, yellow dandelion flowers and the white dandelions gone to seed, maybe it’s ok if you don’t have all the details of your experience. And still, not knowing all the details leads you to question and criticize yourself, which makes sense—your unspeakable experiences taught you not to trust yourself, not to be kind or understanding toward yourself. Perhaps not having all the details is part of how you were thoughtfully created with wisdom, having intuition to know the truth and also the protective parts of your mind and body revealing portions of your overwhelming experiences, piece by piece, for the sake of your own safety and survival. Maybe it's ok to believe the truth of your experiences without knowing all the details, at least for now, and with the understanding you may never have all the details. It is challenging for you to believe, and you are still worthy of trust, care, love, support, connection, healing and growth no matter how many or how few precise details you know about your experiences.
[image created on 5-8-2023]
You have experienced so much deeply painful oppression, you’ve been pushed down, trampled and crushed. And there is One who sees you, all that has been done to you, and He cares, is with you and will never abandon you.
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“The wicked arrogantly hunt down the poor. Let them be caught in the evil they plan for others.
Their helpless victims are crushed; they fall beneath the strength of the wicked.
But you see the trouble and grief they cause. You take note of it and punish them. The helpless put their trust in you. You defend the orphans.
Lord, you know the hopes of the helpless. Surely you will hear their cries and comfort them. You will bring justice to the orphans and the oppressed, so mere people can no longer terrify them.”
Psalms 10:2, 10, 14, 17-18
"God grant me the courage not to give up what i think is right even though i think it is hopeless." --- Chester W. Nimitz
The intense harm you’ve endured trained you to believe it is wrong and not allowed for you (but perfectly acceptable for other people) to reach out for and receive help, support, care and kindness. Though it’s difficult to believe and nearly impossible to practice, maybe it’s ok for you to reach out for support. Maybe these relational components are also necessary for you, just like all other people…perhaps you truly are created to connect. Thank you for working—at a pace appropriate for you—to reach out for support as you are able.
#NotetoSelf
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One evening as I worked to help myself cope I went outside with a camera. This is one thing that caught my attention as I took note of the plants growing along the gravel road across the street from our home. The wilting dandelion seemed to be reaching out to and resting on the seeded grass for support. To me this was a beautiful reminder of what I’m slowly learning to believe and put into practice.
[image created on 5-22-2023]
Don't leave your camera bag in shot when using a fisheye lens! Another from our adventures in the flooded Derbyshire Lime Kiln.
Your intense struggles, circumstances beyond your control, severe anxiety and depression, and ever-present trauma symptoms all feel like too much, often leaving you feeling very off kilter. And this dilapidated December dandelion growing in the yard next to the road reminds you of God’s grace and the importance and beauty in your hard work, healing, growth and perseverance when it feels impossible.
You’ve experienced layer upon layer of hurts, abuse, devastation, and pain far beyond your capacity to cope. As a result you live an extremely challenging life, trying your best to survive and function with a traumatized heart. While it feels like there’s more devastation, decay and darkness within your traumatized heart than your body, mind and soul can bear, there are also some glimmers of light, color, hope and life there too. Please remember that each piece of your heart is valid and is allowed to be recognized. And though it is awful, there are also some pleasant places even within your traumatized heart.
Though it can be challenging and misunderstood by others it’s ok to choose to honor your reality in healthy ways. Often in our culture the focus is placed on things like the beauty, the finding good in harm, the pushing through at all costs, the glamour, the neat and tidy, the so-called “resilience” that trauma produces, the positive, the “blessings” of pain, suffering and mistreatment, or the happy ending. It’s ok and even healthy for you to recognize the aspects that can go unnoticed—things like rest, grace for yourself, truth, the deep, extremely difficult yet rewarding internal work, repairing and retraining your brain and thought processes one tiny, thoughtful step at a time, just breathing when even that seems like too much to handle, choosing to fight for life when you’d rather just quit trying to survive, or working to open yourself up to trustworthy people. It’s important to remember, recognize and even celebrate all the “behind the scenes” work that gives life that produces the beautiful, blooming growth over time.
#NotetoSelf
[image created on 5-24-2023]
You are always working so hard—whether it’s actively working on notes for therapy appointments, working inwardly on holding your composure together, working to survive the ever-present, terrorizing physical reminders felt within your own body, working to battle the disturbing thoughts, or working to manage the terribly unpleasant symptoms of anxiety, depression and the unpredictable effects of trauma. Thank you for working so hard. Though you’re never really free of this tremendous workload it’s ok to take time to rest—resting is necessary for you and also your ability to continue on working.
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I took this self portrait back on October 27, 2021. It was one of the many days when I went with my family to the kid’s piano lessons and while waiting on the kids I sat in the passenger seat typing up therapy notes for one of 3 weekly therapy appointments the next day. Often I grow so weary of the work this requires of me, often giving up time with my family as I do the hard work of trying to engage in the process of healing and growth. I find that not only do I spend countless hours doing this type of work, I also spend most every moment of each day working so hard to survive the effects of enduring multiple traumatic experiences. This is incredibly exhausting work and necessary for healing and growth.
Note to Self: all parts of you are welcome here.
• • • • • • • • • • • • •
My old, worn out shoes I wear when I’m working outdoors, doing something potentially messy, or out venturing around taking pictures, that I took off next to the floor mat reminded me [contrary to what I’d been led to believe] it’s ok to be who I was created to be and all parts of me are welcome here.
The darkness of the horrific harm you’ve experienced tries to completely cover you and somehow you still try to fight it even though you have very little strength left. You work to keep reaching for the light even though it feels impossible and far too painful to do so. Thank you for choosing to stay here, keep breathing and taking steps to engage in this constant, ongoing, painful, extremely exhausting and meaningful battle.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”
John 1:5
Take one moment at a time. | Breathe in, breathe out.
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These are words I wrote when I didn’t know how to keep functioning or how intense things might get as I faced the unknown and the uncertain condition of my husband’s health.
I had this tiny sketchbook and one of my favorite pens in my jacket pocket nearly 2 weeks ago [10/3/22] while anxiously sitting in the waiting area at the hospital during my husband’s bronchoscopy that was being done so doctors could diagnose what type of lung infection my husband had in order to treat it effectively. I became even more anxious and overwhelmed when my husband’s lung transplant doctor came out and talked to me and let me know that his lungs looked bad enough that he would probably need to be admitted to the hospital. As I sat there, not knowing how I would manage to survive the anxiety, stress, fear, unknown and overwhelm I was experiencing, I pulled out this tiny sketchbook and wrote some phrases that came to mind in order to help myself try my best to cope. I am thankful for the gift we each have of listening to what may be helpful for us to cope in the moment.
Sometimes it’s too much to stand on our own. It’s ok to lean on others in a healthy way.
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Another of many images I’ve taken from the passenger seat on a drive home from one of my neurofeedback appointments. I never know how these images will turn out as we’re driving down one of the highways or the interstate we travel. This process of making photos of my surroundings really is helpful and calming for me.
You’ve experienced so much darkness. As you continue to live with this darkness and feel crushed by the truth of your brutal reality, you’ve slowly started learning what a gift it truly is when someone can nonjudgmentally, in a healthy way, meet together with you in the crushing darkness. Though this is healthy it is foreign, unfamiliar, even scary. You lack the words to explain and in your heart you can notice the positive difference, the light, the encouragement, the moments of hope, the growth. And while it doesn’t erase the pain and the struggle, what a beautiful gift this is.
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One evening while walking around outside I saw this in our driveway. It was so fascinating to me how these two helicopters made the shape of a heart, they were together and one was dark and the other was full of light from the setting sun.
note to self.
i'm sure there will be a better film version of this eventually, but for right now... here's an edited copy.
Alone…how it often feels, even when you are right next to a very supportive, truly helpful person who is attuned to you. It makes sense that you often feel so blocked off and isolated from others due to the old, harmful experiences and messages that seem so deeply ingrained in your mind, body, soul and spirit and how you wisely adapted, worked to cope and to do your best to try to keep yourself alive, safe, protected and to function. Now that your circumstances are different and you are more equipped with resources as an adult, you are seeing that it is worth the intense battle—when done at a pace and in ways that are appropriate for you—to fight for freedom, clarity and connection with others in healthy ways even though it feels impossible, unfamiliar and scary.
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This image was captured from the passenger seat in the early morning while on the way to the hospital for my husband’s procedure to get a port for receiving IV medication. Viewing and capturing the scenery was my way of trying to cope. I know the image is not in clear focus [it was kind of dark and I was in a moving vehicle] and, to me, the blurriness adds to the meaning I find in the image.
-things will get better.
Randomly speaking of everything in my life. The things I want to change (bad habits).
And the things I want to improve & appreciate more, like the little things in life that make me happy.
[Girls theme week: Writing to myself =P]
It’s ok to ask for help. | It won’t last forever at this intensity.
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These are words I wrote when I didn’t know how to keep functioning or how intense things might get as I faced the unknown and the uncertain condition of my husband’s health.
I had this tiny sketchbook and one of my favorite pens in my jacket pocket nearly 2 weeks ago [10/3/22] while anxiously sitting in the waiting area at the hospital during my husband’s bronchoscopy that was being done so doctors could diagnose what type of lung infection my husband had in order to treat it effectively. I became even more anxious and overwhelmed when my husband’s lung transplant doctor came out and talked to me and let me know that his lungs looked bad enough that he would probably need to be admitted to the hospital. As I sat there, not knowing how I would manage to survive the anxiety, stress, fear, unknown and overwhelm I was experiencing, I pulled out this tiny sketchbook and wrote some phrases that came to mind in order to help myself try my best to cope. I am thankful for the gift we each have of listening to what may be helpful for us to cope in the moment.
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The unwritten rule is, if you leave someone, you must leave them all behind. You must take everything with you so there is nothing left for them to keep going back to. If you're going to rip something, let all the pain hurt at once so they can be left alone to heal without your interruption. No one wants to get caught when they have gotten so far.
And, if someone is leaving you behind, remind yourself that you are not falling behind but merely learning and moving forward. You leave their suitcases in what you used to call home and run. You run as fast as you can before they take it back. You don't turn around for them to open old wounds with new hands; because they are leaving you, you must be left, and you get up to leave as well.
#NoteToSelf
Do you know that strangely menacing-yet-beautiful, scary-yet-uplifting sound the world makes? You're not alone.
[from an essay by George A. Reisch; Radiohead and Philosophy]
For Iron Photographer 224, the elements of which are as follows:
1 - something to drink (Galliano)
2 - a note to self
3 - soft colour
My favorite quote & was philosopher ... this quote made my day ! Mama introduced me to him as a junior in HS... Bought philosophy book after school & later minor in philosophy in College
After the unspeakable evil and the harm you’ve experienced, sometimes it feels the only way you can experience freedom is to close your eyes and “disappear” to try to escape the continual, extreme overwhelm which can intensify beyond your capacity to cope. It’s not ideal, can be very complex, crippling and is understandable considering your devastating circumstances. It’s certainly not simple or easy and you are working so faithfully and diligently to find more freedom in the present moment.
#NotetoSelf
#aphotoaday
#fromthepassengerseat
Since most of our belongings are packed up and in storage I don’t have access to much and I was able to find some (very lightweight) sewing thread and a very flimsy needle my daughter had here with her and I used our low budget home printer to create this. Normally I wouldn’t use such low quality items for something like this. I didn’t have much to work with and I was determined to not let this completely stop me from creating. I have since made a few more little photo collections like this and this practice and process has been very helpful in my coping and healing journey. I’m so thankful I gave this a try and for how I find this process to be therapeutic and how it helps me continue to grow. I included this collection of printed images with notes I took to an appointment with my therapist and am so thankful I took pictures of it as a reminder of this work since I no longer have a copy for myself.
[image created on 1-30-2024]
____________________________
As a way to cope with circumstances beyond my control, survive and work to keep fighting for life I decided to try to take at least one photo (or more) each day. I call this “a photo (or more) a day.” Practicing this form of therapeutic photography helps me work to focus on the present moment, gives me something familiar and enjoyable to focus on as I use photography skills that have become like second-nature to me and being able to view the images I capture helps me recall what I was thinking, feeling and noticing at the moment when I created the photos. More of the photos from this series can be seen on my Instagram account
I may not always have the energy, time or capacity to share photos from this series—especially with the very challenging circumstances my family and I are experiencing—and will do my best to continue taking a photo (or more) a day even if I’m not able to share.
If you would like to support my work and my family, one way you can do so is by ordering my zines:
Many thanks for your support.
It makes sense that you have heavily reverted to your “default”—mostly keeping to yourself when what you’re experiencing cannot be adequately expressed with words. The past harm which still terrorizes and cripples you today, combined with the present, intense stress, hurt and extreme uncertainty is nearly impossible to survive—each very difficult element impacting and intensifying one another. Even though it seems nearly impossible, you’re trying so hard to hold on, continue trusting God and do your part. This is all so complex, easily misunderstood from the outside, and it makes sense that you struggle to share with and receive support from others—too many times this has not been safe for you. There are no words for your experience and you are trying your best—that is worthy of recognition.
#NotetoSelf
[image created on 10-1-2023, words written on 11-5]
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My family and I have been put in a very painful, extremely difficult situation and have to move (with only 30 days notice) from the place we've called home for nearly 15 years and currently have no place to go. We are trying to trust God with this humanly impossible situation and are working to do what we need to. We would greatly appreciate prayer for our family. Thank you so much.
One practical way you can support my work and our family is through ordering my photo zines:
“What would you have? Your gentleness shall force
More than your force move us to gentleness.”
- William Shakespeare
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
~ Steve Jobs
Inspired by my friend Craig, this is a note to myself.
I have no cause ever to complain about anything. I have the most fantastic friends all over the world, I make money doing the things I love, and I get to travel around and meet wonderful people and see inspiring places.
I am so goddamn lucky.
Thank you my friends for being so wonderful. You make me happy.
~ the extra pounds
~ the mysterious wrinkles
~ the insomnia
~ the anxiety
~ how I'm 1" shorter than I was 2 years ago
~ the aches & pains before & after jogging, swimming, biking, whatever
~ how I have to look up names of plants in my garden each spring like long-lost
friends at a high school reunion
~ pleasing people…NTS >rescue more shelter animals who love you anyway
~ housework…I'd much rather sit by the fire with a cup of tea & add destinations
to my bucket list
~ square meals…Cheers to red wine and dark chocolate!
~ walking…Dance instead!