View allAll Photos Tagged NoteToSelf
Over many years you’ve invested a lot of time, energy, courage and effort in your growth, recovery and healing process. You still look much the same in your outward appearance and the truth is that over time you have been growing beneath the surface in amazing ways. When it feels as though you’re still stuck in old, unhealthy patterns, perhaps you can remember not all growth is physically visible on the outside and bring to mind this image as a visual reminder of the growth you’ve already experienced, the growth that is in process and the future growth that is physically unseen in your life.
____________________________
One day as I was taking some pictures of raindrops on one of the windows in our home I decided to experiment with in-camera double exposures. This tree in the yard caught my attention and this photo—taken through the raindrop-covered window—became a metaphor of my own experience with growth. Making this image was a meaningful experience for me.
Not what you would have chosen…and you’re doing your best with your current circumstances.
[image created on 3–4-2024]
____________________________
As a way to cope with circumstances beyond my control, survive and work to keep fighting for life I decided to try to take at least one photo (or more) each day. I call this “a photo (or more) a day.” Practicing this form of therapeutic photography helps me work to focus on the present moment, gives me something familiar and enjoyable to focus on as I use photography skills that have become like second-nature to me and being able to view the images I capture helps me recall what I was thinking, feeling and noticing at the moment when I created the photos. More of the photos from this series can be seen on my Instagram account
I may not always have the energy, time or capacity to share photos from this series—especially with the very challenging circumstances my family and I are experiencing—and will do my best to continue taking a photo (or more) a day even if I’m not able to share.
If you would like to support my work and my family, one way you can do so is by ordering my zines:
Many thanks for your support.
You were used, harmed, hurt, left alone in the muddy darkness, covered in the dirt and grime of others’ choices and actions. And you are working so hard—at the pace that is appropriate for you—to reach for the light. It’s certainly a challenging path that is not without many intense obstacles and you are slowly uncovering the beauty of who you were created to be.
Right now it feels impossible to ever soar high in freedom and peace. Maybe that is why you’re fascinated by birds—how they instinctually glide through the sky with open wings. Perhaps birds give you hope, the encouragement that maybe, as you continue pressing on in this challenging journey, you can someday have a taste of the freedom and peace you see when you notice a bird in flight.
[image created on 4-27-2023]
Perhaps this beautiful moment is an encouraging reminder that it’s ok for you to stand up for yourself in an appropriate way and set and maintain healthy boundaries. Even when others have used the Bible in harmful ways toward you, making it very challenging to study and engage in, it’s amazing and refreshing how God seems to communicate with you through creation.
#NotetoSelf
[image created on 5-24-2023]
Due to intense harm and evil choices of others you are faced with so much darkness, devastation, difficulty, physical and emotional pain and suffering, unpredictability, fear, terror and so many other challenges that almost completely crush you which you are unable to express with words. And amidst all this suffering, when it feels like too much and you want to quit trying to survive, you work to keep looking for light and moving forward in healthy ways even when it seems impossible. Thank you for pressing on at a pace appropriate for you by working to care for yourself through many forms of nourishment, working to receive healthy support through God’s faithfulness and people who deeply care for you, through rest, tears, and graceful acknowledgment of truth and reality. You still have a long way to go on this journey and it is amazing how far you’ve come.
#NotetoSelf
_________________
These images were created simply using my phone during two of my recent hospitalizations for some intense difficulties following a very overwhelming procedure which all stems from and activates the effects of childhood trauma/abuse. This was one of my efforts to try to help myself cope during this extremely challenging time.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”
John 1:5
[this series of images created on 6-13 & 17-2023]
Sometimes the light is visible. Sometimes you feel completely trapped in the darkness and it becomes necessary to work to find some light within. Even in this dark, winter season you are still growing.
positive and negative
#aphotoaday
#NotetoSelf
[image created on 1-23-2024]
____________________________
As a way to cope with circumstances beyond my control, survive and work to keep fighting for life I decided to try to take at least one photo (or more) each day. I call this “a photo (or more) a day.” Practicing this form of therapeutic photography helps me work to focus on the present moment, gives me something familiar and enjoyable to focus on as I use photography skills that have become like second-nature to me and being able to view the images I capture helps me recall what I was thinking, feeling and noticing at the moment when I created the photos. More of the photos from this series can be seen on my Instagram account
I may not always have the energy, time or capacity to share photos from this series—especially with the very challenging circumstances my family and I are experiencing—and will do my best to continue taking a photo (or more) a day even if I’m not able to share.
If you would like to support my work and my family, one way you can do so is by ordering my zines:
Many thanks for your support.
You are working so hard, in so many ways, to keep fighting for life. On this day seven years ago, you chose death…and somehow you lived through your own destructive actions. Contrary to what many people may think, and perhaps even fewer may say aloud, maybe this didn’t indicate you were selfish or a failure. Maybe this was the only way you knew to escape the indescribable pain you felt completely trapped within. Maybe you were not the failure—it’s amazing that somehow you managed to succeed at staying alive this long—maybe you were so deeply failed by individuals who should have cared about you, protected you, seen the signs and your pain and taken action to help you when you didn’t have the resources, understanding or knowledge to help yourself. Maybe you believed the message that had been deeply drilled into you: that you would be doing others and the whole world a favor if you were not here. Now you are trying your best to do the incredibly difficult work—which seems unexplainable with words—to keep fighting for life, every moment of each day and each night and in ways that are often “invisible” to others. Now you are fighting—even though you feel you don’t have any strength left for this—to let the light of hope shine upon all your scars. The scars of the places where you have hurt yourself because you believed the messages that you were worthless and in desperation you tried to do something to help numb the pain of the intense, never-ending, life-altering, life-threatening wounds that were mercilessly inflicted on you by others, which left other types of, even deeper, figurative scars within you. There are no words that seem adequate to describe or explain your experience. And while engaging in the healing process, it can feel as though the life-long pain is even deeper and wider than ever before as you do the necessary work—at a pace that is appropriate for you—of uncovering the truth of your experiences, which had to be pushed as far from your memory as possible for the sake of your survival, though these memories are never fully forgotten…the mind, spirit and body do remember. Though you often feel like a complete failure, it truly is amazing how far you have come from where you once used to be. You did the best you could for your whole life, with what resources you had available to you and within you. And in many ways it is so incredible to see the changes within you that have come through the God-given resources, support, work and wisdom of your mind and body. Though it feels impossible and like too much to handle, please do your best to keep fighting for life.
Due to intense harm and evil choices of others you are faced with so much darkness, devastation, difficulty, physical and emotional pain and suffering, unpredictability, fear, terror and so many other challenges that almost completely crush you which you are unable to express with words. And amidst all this suffering, when it feels like too much and you want to quit trying to survive, you work to keep looking for light and moving forward in healthy ways even when it seems impossible. Thank you for pressing on at a pace appropriate for you by working to care for yourself through many forms of nourishment, working to receive healthy support through God’s faithfulness and people who deeply care for you, through rest, tears, and graceful acknowledgment of truth and reality. You still have a long way to go on this journey and it is amazing how far you’ve come.
#NotetoSelf
_________________
These images were created simply using my phone during two of my recent hospitalizations for some intense difficulties following a very overwhelming procedure which all stems from and activates the effects of childhood trauma/abuse. This was one of my efforts to try to help myself cope during this extremely challenging time.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”
John 1:5
[this series of images created on 6-13 & 17-2023]
It often doesn’t feel like it, sometimes you can’t see it, and through your courageous, deep internal work and with the help of other resources you are utilizing you are growing on the inside.
It has taken so long, so much intense, meaningful work and so much growth to begin to get to this point. You were nearly destroyed by the evil others inflicted on you and now you are standing together with those who deeply support you as you work to stand up for yourself in healthy and necessary ways amidst the adversity, harm and its ongoing, crippling effects. This was too much to handle alone. Standing together, you have come so far.
[image created on 1–25-2024]
____________________________
As a way to cope with circumstances beyond my control, survive and work to keep fighting for life I decided to try to take at least one photo (or more) each day. I call this “a photo (or more) a day.” Practicing this form of therapeutic photography helps me work to focus on the present moment, gives me something familiar and enjoyable to focus on as I use photography skills that have become like second-nature to me and being able to view the images I capture helps me recall what I was thinking, feeling and noticing at the moment when I created the photos. More of the photos from this series can be seen on my Instagram account
I may not always have the energy, time or capacity to share photos from this series—especially with the very challenging circumstances my family and I are experiencing—and will do my best to continue taking a photo (or more) a day even if I’m not able to share.
If you would like to support my work and my family, one way you can do so is by ordering my zines:
Many thanks for your support.
You feel so different from everyone else, so blocked off, so isolated and so alone. Maybe part of the reason you don’t “blend in” is because you are caught in the awful, intense, painful circumstances that were inflicted upon you and their long term, life altering effects. Maybe this isn’t your fault and rather than living like you used to—bending to the harm and evil that were brutally placed on you by others—you are now fighting with all your strength to stand against the wind as you work at the deep, intense process of healing and growing, which involves slowly letting go of the old, harmful, adaptive patterns that are no longer necessary to protect you and may actually be preventing your basic needs from truly being met in the present moments. Even though it feels impossible and like you have no strength left, please keep working to stand against the wind.
You feel so isolated and alone. It often feels impossible, and even in your brokenness you work—at a pace and in a way that is appropriate for you—to reach out and connect with others in healthy ways. After all you’ve experienced, this truly is a courageous and brave action that is worthy of recognition.
[image created on 3–10-2024]
____________________________
As a way to cope with circumstances beyond my control, survive and work to keep fighting for life I decided to try to take at least one photo (or more) each day. I call this “a photo (or more) a day.” Practicing this form of therapeutic photography helps me work to focus on the present moment, gives me something familiar and enjoyable to focus on as I use photography skills that have become like second-nature to me and being able to view the images I capture helps me recall what I was thinking, feeling and noticing at the moment when I created the photos. More of the photos from this series can be seen on my Instagram account
I may not always have the energy, time or capacity to share photos from this series—especially with the very challenging circumstances my family and I are experiencing—and will do my best to continue taking a photo (or more) a day even if I’m not able to share.
If you would like to support my work and my family, one way you can do so is by ordering my zines:
Many thanks for your support.
You notice the beautiful, vibrant colors of the fresh produce, the joyful act of washing and preparing the produce, the thankfulness when considering the nutrition contained within the fruits and vegetables that fuel, maintain and heal your body, the kindness of the friend in your countryside “neighborhood” who thoughtfully harvested and generously shared with your family. Thank you for noticing the good gifts in the midst of all the pain, suffering, and challenges you face. Please keep noticing and acknowledging all of it—the painful and the pleasant.
You have faced and continue to experience so much opposition, pain, harm, suffering and oppression. In this moment you were working so hard fighting the opposition. You started small, one little step at a time which eventually led to the moments when you put on your glove, picked up the old, ripped, frayed baseball and played catch with your children as you focused on being present with them, soaking up the setting sunlight, breathing, catching and throwing the ball all while in the middle of this great struggle that tries to hold you captive and prevent you from moving, thinking clearly, functioning and participating in life. You can’t do this alone: the supportive people who are in your life, prayer, and God’s loving presence all play a role and ultimately it is you who is choosing to do this work of fighting the opposition.
People can and have deeply harmed and wounded you. And though it may not always feel like it, God is with you, protecting you, and will not allow anyone to completely destroy your true, core self—only He has the authority and power to do that. Though it often doesn’t seem believable, the real you is still there under the layers of pain and deep wounds. What has been done to you is not ok, and with God’s help, your own deep, purposeful work, and healthy relationship with others, maybe there is hope of finding and living a life as your true, Spirit-led self.
____________________________
These were some of my thoughts that came to mind this morning as I read Matthew 10 and was struck by this verse - Matthew 10:28: “Don’t be afraid of those who want to kill your body; they cannot touch your soul. Fear only God, who can destroy both soul and body in hell.” I thought of these self portraits I created back in April of 2020 and combined into one photo as I read the words I had written.
Sometimes the darkness you feel within you becomes so crushing that you can’t even breathe and there have been times when it has nearly ended your life. Considering all the harm and intense struggles you have experienced and continue to face, it truly is amazing that you’re still here, breathing, and deeply working to survive, grow, live and heal at a pace that is appropriate for you.
#NotetoSelf
[image created on 5-18-2023]
On this extremely challenging journey you experience so much deep, devastating darkness that drains the life out of you. And though it is challenging and often feels impossible, you keep looking for light along this dark road. Somehow these little slivers of light help provide tiny pieces of hope and life that encourage you on a path of growth, healing and recovery. Thank you for working so hard to keep watching for and paying attention to these little slivers of light.
____________________________
I took this photo on the way home from a neurofeedback appointment back on November 30, 2021. This ride home can sometimes be a very intense and challenging time for me so seeing this tiny sliver of sunset light—that appears so insignificant— shining on the car dashboard in front of me was actually a big, very meaningful moment for me. This is one of many photos I’ve taken from the passenger seat as we drive twice each week to my neurofeedback appointments. This practice of seeing, appreciating and capturing my surroundings from the moving car can sometimes be very helpful for me.
I don't know why I don't plant more. The deer leave it alone, it needs very little watering and on these warm summer evenings it fills the air with magic.
Alone…how it often feels, even when you are right next to a very supportive, truly helpful person who is attuned to you. It makes sense that you often feel so blocked off and isolated from others due to the old, harmful experiences and messages that seem so deeply ingrained in your mind, body, soul and spirit and how you wisely adapted, worked to cope and to do your best to try to keep yourself alive, safe, protected and to function. Now that your circumstances are different and you are more equipped with resources as an adult, you are seeing that it is worth the intense battle—when done at a pace and in ways that are appropriate for you—to fight for freedom, clarity and connection with others in healthy ways even though it feels impossible, unfamiliar and scary.
____________________
This image was captured from the passenger seat in the early morning while on the way to the hospital for my husband’s procedure to get a port for receiving IV medication. Viewing and capturing the scenery was my way of trying to cope. I know the image is not in clear focus [it was kind of dark and I was in a moving vehicle] and, to me, the blurriness adds to the meaning I find in the image.
Looking down, looking up—different perspectives, textures, colors, feelings and outlooks—one hard, one soft, one black, one white, one dark, one light, one the work and construction of humans, one a beautiful creation of God. After your unspeakable experiences, these blended elements portray a striking, deeply meaningful reflection of the parts of your heart.
[images created on 5-15-2024]
____________________________
As a way to cope with circumstances beyond my control, survive and work to keep fighting for life I decided to try to take at least one photo (or more) each day. I call this “a photo (or more) a day.” Practicing this form of therapeutic photography helps me work to focus on the present moment, gives me something familiar and enjoyable to focus on as I use photography skills that have become like second-nature to me and being able to view the images I capture helps me recall what I was thinking, feeling and noticing at the moment when I created the photos. More of the photos from this series can be seen on my Instagram account
I may not always have the energy, time or capacity to share photos from this series—especially with the very challenging circumstances my family and I are experiencing—and will do my best to continue taking a photo (or more) a day even if I’m not able to share.
If you would like to support my work and my family, one way you can do so is by ordering my zines:
Many thanks for your support.
You are bent beneath the painful load of the awful things you have experienced, you are nearly broken, unable to stand tall like others around you, and somehow, in some moments you are still reflecting the light.
____________________________
This is one of many photos I have taken from the passenger seat of our moving car as we were driving to and home from my neurofeedback appointments. I am thankful sometimes I’m able to take pictures and it gives me something pleasant to focus on and helps me cope.
After all you’ve survived—and continue to experience as a result—it’s amazing that you’re still here, fighting for life even though it feels impossible.
This level of darkness you are experiencing won’t last forever at this exact intensity. Maybe there will be more light soon. Please hold on and try to remember that though it doesn’t feel like it, things fluctuate and change—like night and day. This won’t last forever, eventually the light will shine a little more brightly. Please keep watching and looking for light when you can.
You have experienced a long, painful journey you didn’t choose that is filled with intense devastation, harm and deep sadness. There has been and currently still is a brutal ugliness that you face as your reality. Many times it’s tempting and often seems necessary to tightly close your eyes and permanently disappear to try to stop experiencing this torturous path, and though it doesn’t erase the pain, sometimes it can be helpful and even pleasant to try to keep your eyes open and searching for beauty around and within you. Thank you for working so diligently to keep your eyes open and keep observing your surroundings when you can.
____________________________
Yesterday evening after experiencing some awful effects of the trauma I’ve survived and re-experiencing the past which left me shaking, extremely scared, unable to function, open my eyes or talk for about an hour, somehow I pushed myself to step outside with my camera (I have no idea how I did this). While outside at sunset I saw this old board which apparently used to be a sign for Sugar Creek Mennonite Church (that’s what it says on one side in black paint)—a local church a couple miles down the gravel road from our home. Now this old, stained, dingy board is a cover that goes over our air conditioner in the off-season with a few bricks that sit on top to hold it in place during the strong winter winds here on the flat Iowa “prairie.” This board was leaned against our home in the small space between the air conditioner and the house. I thought it was so beautiful and such a contrast to see this old, ugly board with the beautiful sunset light and the shadow of the leaves of a nearby bush shining on it. Such a reminder to me that in the brutal ugliness there can still be some beauty to see when I’m able to keep my eyes open.
For so long you’ve lived with this raging storm inside of you. You don’t even have memory of a time before this unjust storm was inflicted upon you by the choices of others. These terrifying and disabling bolts of lightning are incredibly isolating and mostly invisible to people around you. Flash after flash, the storm rages perpetually on and feels never-ending. While you wish you could stop trying to survive the ongoing, fierce storm it is worth recognizing that now you are aware of the storm—this is a very big step. The awareness doesn’t take away the pain, exhaustion, terror and unspeakable experiences and slowly, with determination, courage, intense work and faithful support you are learning how to survive and navigate this raging storm within. You had no choice in the past and now you choose to keep fighting for life in the midst of this raging storm.
_____________________
One evening I looked out the window and saw a spectacular sunset sky. As I stood in our yard with my camera, capturing the sunset I spotted lighting nearby. I stayed outside for quite a while as I tried to capture some of the bolts of lightning. This was challenging as I wasn’t prepared for this and was just using the camera handheld, without a tripod. I find storms so captivating, partly because I feel I can relate to what I see reminding me of the intensity, destruction, fear and turmoil I often experience internally. I appreciated my time outside with this distant storm, seeing the flashing light colorfully illuminating the night clouds.
[image created on 5-6-2023]
You have experienced so much darkness and you try to continue looking for light in the middle of the darkness.
____________________________
Another of many images I’ve taken from the passenger seat on a drive to one of my neurofeedback appointments. I never know how these images will turn out as we’re driving down one of the highways or the interstate we travel. This process of making photos of my surroundings really is helpful and calming for me.
You have no idea how you’re standing. And you’re standing—even after all the unspeakable harm that has been done to you. You’re standing—even as you experience and re-live the awful effects of trauma each moment of each day. You’re standing—even when it feels impossible. You’re standing—even when you’re too terrorized, weak or worn out to physically rise up, you’re standing on the inside. You’re standing—leaning on God’s faithful presence, leaning on the small group of those who are incredibly supportive in a healthy way. It takes a tremendous amount of strength, courage and determination to stand—and you’re standing. Maybe you’re stronger than you realize.
____________________________
While outside in our yard I saw this leaf “standing up” and later noticed in its fallen, withering state it was leaning against the faded, brown, winter grass for support to hold it up. This was such an encouragement to me that I took a picture and ended up getting the knees of my jeans slightly wet and muddy as I got down on the level of this beautiful leaf—and it was worth it to me.
Your traumatic experiences and devastating circumstances have left you perpetually living through many dark, desolate seasons. And somehow, in the midst of these brutally crippling seasons you can sometimes see some fallen beauty right where you are. What a gift it is to be able to notice and work to soak up the impact of these deeply meaningful moments.
______________
One morning after it rained I appreciated spending some time outside finding little moments of beauty like this. I find it refreshing how a layer of rain can change the perspective of my surroundings and I can often relate to the mood it creates.
In healthy togetherness there is a beautiful though risky and vulnerable transformation when the parts of you that are wounded, harmed, neglected, faded, worn and torn start to be seen, validated and cared for. You internally take the shape and meaning of a butterfly and—often alongside the deep sadness and pain—begin to experience metamorphosis and live in a new light, filled with a little more life, courage, hope and grace as your body, spirit and soul begin to break free from a lifelong prison. It certainly isn’t easy, and—as you are able—it is worth taking the steps of the intense work and courage that is required at a pace appropriate for you.
_________________
As I looked through some photos I’ve taken I noticed a few that I categorized and called “together” (it seems perhaps this has become a new, naturally occurring photo project)—they were photos of two dandelions or two leaves together at various stages of growth or decay. This reminded me of moments with a few people who are of incredible support to me, moments when I was not alone (feeling and/or being alone has often been my experience throughout my life and something I’d often been drawn to capture—the feeling of “alone”) and what a gift it is to truly be together in each other’s presence, connected in a healthy, meaningful, mindful, validating, authentic, caring way, to be seen and accepted in a healing way (which I believe also has some similarities to relationship with God) though it can be scary and overwhelming because it’s so unfamiliar to me. I’ve been thinking about this a lot as I look at, share a few of the “together” photos and notice and capture more “together” sightings I encounter. And it has taken me a significant amount of time to even been able to try to put the meaning I see in the photos into words because it is a very deep, foreign experience to me and I didn’t really have the words for it.
Your experience feels as though it's beyond explanation—trapped in terror, alone, isolated, the past takes over, fuzzy details, immobilized, panic, visionless, shaking in fear, re-living overwhelming buried emotions and tormenting physical experiences, voiceless, re-experiencing the unspeakable, difficulty breathing, sometimes completely unable to breathe, awful intensity that steals a desire to survive and live. In this state it seems impossible to even imagine there could be a window of escape, like you will always be held captive by evil. And somehow, you’ve survived these moments, though you’re often not sure how you keep fighting when your strength is failing. Slowly you are gaining more insight into your experience as you work so hard to keep fighting for life.
[image created on 2-23-2024]
Recently I became very fascinated by digital pinhole photography. This image was created with a modified pinhole body cap. I think I’m drawn to this type of photography because I feel it relates to my life and it seems to teach me far beyond photography. There are strict limitations that can drastically alter how images are captured and the final outcome of the photos, there is a lack of clarity compared to how I normally capture images with a lens, it’s difficult to predict exactly how the image will look and beauty and meaning can be found in the process and the final photo. It gives me a chance to practice embracing the unfamiliar, change, finding beauty in imperfection and growing in new ways.
____________________________
As a way to cope with circumstances beyond my control, survive and work to keep fighting for life I decided to try to take at least one photo (or more) each day. I call this “a photo (or more) a day.” Practicing this form of therapeutic photography helps me work to focus on the present moment, gives me something familiar and enjoyable to focus on as I use photography skills that have become like second-nature to me and being able to view the images I capture helps me recall what I was thinking, feeling and noticing at the moment when I created the photos. More of the photos from this series can be seen on my Instagram account
I may not always have the energy, time or capacity to share photos from this series—especially with the very challenging circumstances my family and I are experiencing—and will do my best to continue taking a photo (or more) a day even if I’m not able to share.
If you would like to support my work and my family, one way you can do so is by ordering my zines:
Many thanks for your support.
You are feeling all alone, extremely weary, worn and lifeless from the autumn decay and destruction you experienced in the past season. And somehow you’re still here, still holding on in this harsh, biting cold winter season which feels impossible to survive. Try to keep holding on, maybe it won’t always feel like this.
____________________________
Yesterday while struggling intensely I saw this leaf from inside our home and thought of the phrase “holding on” and also the feeling of being all alone and managed to go take some pictures of it. Seeing this, the thoughts it brought to mind and the process of photographing this was helpful for me.
Due to intense harm and evil choices of others you are faced with so much darkness, devastation, difficulty, physical and emotional pain and suffering, unpredictability, fear, terror and so many other challenges that almost completely crush you which you are unable to express with words. And amidst all this suffering, when it feels like too much and you want to quit trying to survive, you work to keep looking for light and moving forward in healthy ways even when it seems impossible. Thank you for pressing on at a pace appropriate for you by working to care for yourself through many forms of nourishment, working to receive healthy support through God’s faithfulness and people who deeply care for you, through rest, tears, and graceful acknowledgment of truth and reality. You still have a long way to go on this journey and it is amazing how far you’ve come.
#NotetoSelf
_________________
These images were created simply using my phone during two of my recent hospitalizations for some intense difficulties following a very overwhelming procedure which all stems from and activates the effects of childhood trauma/abuse. This was one of my efforts to try to help myself cope during this extremely challenging time.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”
John 1:5
[this series of images created on 6-13 & 17-2023]
When you’ve been knocked to the ground by painful circumstances outside your control sometimes it’s necessary to rest where you landed in order to care for yourself.
Captured just as I found it.
The process of making this film photo, developing the film myself at home, scanning the negative with my DSLR and converting the negative to a positive is a challenging, sometimes overwhelming, somewhat unpredictable, very rewarding, learning, growing, healing, intriguing, satisfying and therapeutic process that helps me to learn not only about film photography but also myself and my healing process in a healthy way. I am thankful for this opportunity that I can’t really explain with words.
_________________
Nikon FE
Nikon 35mm f/2
Fuji Superia xtra 400
Image taken Fall 2020
Developed at home, Unicolor
Negative scanned with DSLR
Converted to positive with Negative Lab Pro
So often, you cannot find or physically form the words to express your experience. Maybe you feel compelled to create images to try to show how it feels to live this unspeakable, unbearable, almost unbelievable experience. It may make no sense or have no significance to anyone else and this practice of creating images is a deep, important part of your healing journey.
[image created on 2-23-2024]
Recently I became very fascinated by digital pinhole photography. This image was created with a modified pinhole body cap. I think I’m drawn to this type of photography because I feel it relates to my life and it seems to teach me far beyond photography. There are strict limitations that can drastically alter how images are captured and the final outcome of the photos, there is a lack of clarity compared to how I normally capture images with a lens, it’s difficult to predict exactly how the image will look and beauty and meaning can be found in the process and the final photo. It gives me a chance to practice embracing the unfamiliar, change, finding beauty in imperfection and growing in new ways.
____________________________
As a way to cope with circumstances beyond my control, survive and work to keep fighting for life I decided to try to take at least one photo (or more) each day. I call this “a photo (or more) a day.” Practicing this form of therapeutic photography helps me work to focus on the present moment, gives me something familiar and enjoyable to focus on as I use photography skills that have become like second-nature to me and being able to view the images I capture helps me recall what I was thinking, feeling and noticing at the moment when I created the photos. More of the photos from this series can be seen on my Instagram account
I may not always have the energy, time or capacity to share photos from this series—especially with the very challenging circumstances my family and I are experiencing—and will do my best to continue taking a photo (or more) a day even if I’m not able to share.
If you would like to support my work and my family, one way you can do so is by ordering my zines:
Many thanks for your support.
These unpredictable circumstances are certainly not what you would have chosen. And though it is indescribably painful, intense and challenging you put on your old, worn out shoes and do your best to keep standing, walking and working through these circumstances you would not have chosen while looking for light along the way. Thank you for doing this intense and rewarding work.
____________________________
I took this picture back on April 18 one morning when it had been snowing the night before. And I remember thinking that—being a summer-loving gal—I really did not want more snow after a winter that seemed to drag on for a long time. It reminded me how this seemed somewhat similar to my own life experience and I felt I could relate to this out of season weather. So, in the morning I walked outside to capture what I saw and felt I could relate to as I stood there in the middle of this soaking it all up and appreciating the sunshine.
I have to learn how to be myself so often that I keep forgetting that a lot of times the only opinion that matters is my own.
Lately I tend to lose track of what month it is, and I keep reminding myself of all that is about to come. I like the feeling of letting go a little, it helps to figure out what's really important and what I need to focus on in the short run. Following the many days of doing nothing and still being busy as ever, I have regained my motivation to do things — although sometimes it doesn't even last the day. But it's a start, and I love the feeling I get when I have taken care of something and can disregard all the other responsibilities for a moment.
For so long you have been closed off to goodness, hope, beauty, healthy connection with yourself, others and God and many other positive, helpful and necessary elements. It makes sense, based on the harm you’ve endured, that this was necessary for your survival—and this is a devastating, incredibly sad reality that may have protected you but keeps you stuck and does not allow you live freely, fully and healthily. And now you are slowly, carefully and cautiously opening up to new, unfamiliar ways of being and living that can feel scary. It makes sense that this is extremely difficult to take these tiny, unpredictable steps to open up. And it is amazing that you’re working through the fear and discomfort you experience as you push yourself—at a pace appropriate for you—to open up in new, life-giving ways.
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It had been a while since I’d taken many pictures. I was facing extra intense struggles with the effects of trauma I’ve experienced, CPTSD, anxiety, depression, and physical health difficulties along with my husband’s ongoing, fragile health condition and a recent scare with difficulty breathing and me needing to call an ambulance for him in the middle of the night which resulted in another hospitalization. Somehow, while my husband was hospitalized, I pushed myself to spend an hour outside at home one evening. I was thankful to see signs of growth and very surprised to see that the small peach tree was starting to bloom. I saw some blooms that were opened and this bloom that was still partially closed caught my attention. I appreciated the story of opening up that I saw in this bloom—it was a meaningful gift to me in that moment which I remember when seeing this image.
Often things are so intense all you can do is try to soak up the light. And that’s ok if you’re not able to do anything else in that moment. It’s a very courageous and challenging step to look for and soak up the light and can be a tremendous blessing in so many ways.
Even in the middle of experiencing the ongoing effects of unspeakable experiences, destruction, harm, devastation, disconnection, sadness and terror you still work hard to look for light and find some beauty. This certainly isn’t easy and it’s something you aren’t always capable of at all times. And it is courageous and admirable that in the middle of extreme difficulty you continue to grow as you practice searching for these glimmers of hope, not as a way to pretend everything is alright, but as a way to help yourself move through the unspeakable at a pace that is appropriate for you.
[image created on 4-27-2023]
Tonight's trip out in the dark was clouded over so I had to make do with reprocessing last night's shot removing the numerous plane trails. Note to self: don't point your camera towards Manchester Airport!
A real astronauts suit (waterproof and machine washable!). This one used to belong to a good friend of mine. NOTETOSELF: I need a new nametag.
You have experienced intense harm and evil so devastating that you find yourself questioning reality. It’s so easy for you to question yourself, to believe this means you are weak and it comes more naturally to turn this inward and severely criticize yourself. And you’re doing the hard work of looking for beauty and goodness wherever you can discover it and finding ways to try to express and validate your very real experience when you can’t find words for it. Maybe that is strength.
[image created on 3-1-2024]
Recently I became very fascinated by digital pinhole photography. This image was created with a modified pinhole body cap. I think I’m drawn to this type of photography because I feel it relates to my life and it seems to teach me far beyond photography. There are strict limitations that can drastically alter how images are captured and the final outcome of the photos, there is a lack of clarity compared to how I normally capture images with a lens, it’s difficult to predict exactly how the image will look and beauty and meaning can be found in the process and the final photo. It gives me a chance to practice embracing the unfamiliar, change, finding beauty in imperfection and growing in new ways.
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As a way to cope with circumstances beyond my control, survive and work to keep fighting for life I decided to try to take at least one photo (or more) each day. I call this “a photo (or more) a day.” Practicing this form of therapeutic photography helps me work to focus on the present moment, gives me something familiar and enjoyable to focus on as I use photography skills that have become like second-nature to me and being able to view the images I capture helps me recall what I was thinking, feeling and noticing at the moment when I created the photos. More of the photos from this series can be seen on my Instagram account
I may not always have the energy, time or capacity to share photos from this series—especially with the very challenging circumstances my family and I are experiencing—and will do my best to continue taking a photo (or more) a day even if I’m not able to share.
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