You’ve been through so much pain that no human should ever have to experience. And it’s amazing that you’re still here, working so hard to heal and be who God created you to be.

____________________________

Another of many images I’ve taken from the passenger seat on a drive home from one of my neurofeedback appointments. I never know how these images will turn out as we’re driving down one of the highways or the interstate we travel. This process of making photos of my surroundings as we go to and return home from my appointments really is helpful and calming for me.

Sometimes you have no words as you feel so trapped in this darkness, unable to function, think clearly or describe how terrorizing, painful, devastating and impairing it is to survive some of the things you’ve experienced. And somehow you work to find a little sliver of light so that you can keep growing in these intensely harsh conditions and in some way work to share this light with those around you. Sometimes when you have no words you can make photos.

You are traumatized, devastated and immobilized by the awful experiences that still have extremely debilitating effects on you in the present moment. And you work so hard, taking tiny little steps to keep reaching for growth even though it feels impossible. And that is amazing. You truly are fighting for life.

________________________

This is an in-camera double exposure I took back on June 13, 2021 while out in our yard at sunset, taking pictures as a way to try to cope with the difficult experiences and symptoms I struggle with each moment of each day. I was thankful for my time outside and the in-camera double exposure experimentation I was doing—it was helpful to have some moments of focusing on this positive, energizing activity and helped me make it through that evening.

You are taking one courageous step after another down the healing road. While these are healthy steps, it’s intensely challenging to face the unknown and experiences so terrorizing that your mind wisely blocked them out for the sake of your survival. This is too much to handle alone and it’s important to remember that God’s presence surrounds you in each moment and you have the gift of your small though incredibly mighty group of supporters. Things are unclear, difficult, scary, require a tremendous amount of perseverance, and when you reflect on the past the healing process is evident, encouraging and certainly worth the effort it requires.

___________________

Recently I was struggling a lot with my own intense mental health struggles in addition to the stress and fear of my husband’s health struggles and recent hospitalization. Somehow I found the strength to spend some time outside capturing the beauty I saw in the fog and frost that was visible through the windows that morning—it seemed to tell an important, uplifting story that helped me continue pressing on.

This isn’t what you would have chosen and it is your reality. And somehow you work hard to find beauty in extremely unpleasant and difficult circumstances.

____________________________

I saw the blowing and drifting snow from inside the house, put on a fleece jacket over my 2 long sleeve shirts and also wore my winter coat and braved the cold 12 degree F (-4 wind chill) windy weather to try to capture some of the things I could see from inside. I’m not a fan of this weather but did appreciate spending 35 minutes outside paying attention to and photographing my surroundings.

A long time ago, near the beginning of your life, your world was turned upside down by horrific experiences beyond your control. You’ve had to fight so hard to try to survive, function and live your life in a right-side up world which is nearly impossible, very difficult and painful for you. Thank you for working so diligently in your healing and growing process to try to do your part to take your world that has been turned upside down and work toward helping it to feel as close to right-side up as possible. Though it certainly is not easy for you, thank you for being open to looking for ways that your upside down and right-side up worlds are slowly beginning to exist simultaneously.

____________________________

Recently, in an effort to try to cope with intense feelings and experiences, I pushed myself to go outside in our yard at sunset. I tried to take some pictures even though I was struggling so much that I didn’t have much interest in taking pictures and had difficulty finding things to photograph. So I tried something different that I don’t do too often and experimented with making some in-camera double exposures. I was thankful that making these images was interesting and helpful for me in coping with the painful things I was experiencing. And I find this image so fascinating and keep looking at it and thinking about it and the thoughts and ideas it brings to mind for me.

The darkness, debilitation, pain, terror, immeasurable sadness and devastation of your disturbing reality feels like too much to survive, too much to fight. And like the melodic lyrics you heard for the first time yesterday: “the shadow proves the sunshine.” There is still light in the middle of this darkness and you work so hard to see and take note of the light even when you would rather just quit pushing yourself to try because this never-ending battle has depleted your strength. Just because you struggle so much doesn’t mean the light doesn’t exist and that growth isn’t happening in you—the light is still there as you continue to grow, please keep looking for light.

____________________________

It had been a very intense, challenging night and morning and as I put my Ezekiel bread into the toaster oven this morning I glanced out the window and saw this bush growing next to the garage, casting a shadow onto the concrete driveway. I remembered the song I’d just heard for the first time yesterday: “The Shadow Proves the Sunshine” by Switchfoot. I felt drawn to step outside with my camera and captured the shadow of the leaves. Doing this while thinking of the concept that the shadow proves the sunshine was both sad and encouraging and somehow seemed to give me some inspiration and energy to try to keep pushing myself to keep going even though it feels impossible.

If you’re interested you can listen to “The Shadow Proves the Sunshine by Switchfoot here: youtu.be/rTR7pCEZhhI

You work so hard to continue looking for light even in the middle of your intense pain, suffering, despair, sadness and struggles that often feel too deep and too indescribable for words. Through your incredibly intense and challenging experiences you have learned that just a tiny sliver of light among the deep darkness can make a difference and give you some encouragement to keep fighting to survive. And looking for light isn’t an action you practice in order to invalidate or bypass the immense pain and difficulty of your reality, but a gift that somehow gently strengthens you to keep breathing and work to continue fighting for life—the most intense battle you have ever faced.

____________________________

It has been very challenging to get myself to spend time taking pictures due to my intense struggles and the effects they have on me. This photo was taken one evening when I gently “pushed” myself to spend some time outside in our yard to see if I might be able to make some pictures. I was thankful I made an effort to spend some time outside with my camera, taking pictures—something that can be helpful for me. This is one of the images I created during that time that is meaningful and encouraging to me.

It feels like this intense, dark, terrorizing storm that ravages within your body, mind and spirit will never end. And like the dark clouds, bolts of lightning and rumbles of thunder eventually subside, these painful and debilitating responses to the awful things that have been done to you will eventually decrease some in their intensity. Please hold on, and if you can, learn from the cues your body and mind intuitively give you—this part of the storm will move through you and eventually you will be able to breathe a little easier.

_____________________

One evening I looked out the window and saw a spectacular sunset sky. As I stood in our yard with my camera, capturing the sunset I spotted lighting nearby. I stayed outside for quite a while as I tried to capture some of the bolts of lightning. This was challenging as I wasn’t prepared for this and was just using the camera handheld, without a tripod. I find storms so captivating, partly because I feel I can relate to what I see reminding me of the intensity, destruction, fear and turmoil I often experience internally. I appreciated my time outside with this distant storm, seeing the flashing light colorfully illuminating the night clouds.

[image created on 5-6-2023]

In the past and in the present you continue to experience so much darkness, so many unpredictable, painful, debilitating and disturbing storms—and there is light too. Thank you for watching for the light in the midst of these storms and please keep looking for light.

____________________________

This is one of many photos I’ve taken from the passenger seat as we drive twice each week to my neurofeedback appointments. This practice of seeing, appreciating and capturing my surroundings from the moving car can sometimes be very helpful for me.

You face so many challenging, unknown, unchosen and terrorizing circumstances that have a tendency to drain the color from your vision and create an incredibly unclear atmosphere. And though you often don’t know how to keep going and many times just want to quit, you work very hard and are often surprised to see a little colorful sunlight among your bleak surroundings. This stark contrast is a beautiful reminder that opposing experiences and feelings can exist at the same time—you don’t have to deny the truth and it’s ok to recognize reality in a healthy way.

___________________

A few days ago I was struggling a lot with my own intense mental health struggles in addition to the stress and fear of my husband’s health struggles and recent hospitalization. Somehow I found the strength to spend some time outside capturing the beauty I saw in the fog and frost that was visible through the windows that morning—it seemed to tell an important, uplifting story that helped me continue pressing on.

It’s quite amazing that—after the devastating and confusing things you’ve experienced—you’ve been able to recognize, learn about and grow in boundaries. It’s also amazing for you to see that healthy boundaries are not selfish but are beautiful, serving a purpose of having healthy relationships with yourself, others and God.

____________________________

Another of many images I’ve taken from the passenger seat on a drive home from one of my neurofeedback appointments. I never know how these images will turn out as we’re driving down one of the highways or the interstate we travel. This process of making photos of my surroundings really is helpful and calming for me.

It’s so scary, overwhelming, overpowering and feels inescapable when the terror of your reality pulls you back into your past and feels like it’s happening in the present and you experience an involuntarily mental escape for the sake of your survival. This is not a sign that you are bad. This is not a sign that you did something wrong. This is not a sign that you are worthless. This is not a sign that you are too messed up. This is not a sign that you are lazy. This is not a sign that you are weak. This is what happens when your body and mind are faced with a reality too intense and overwhelming to handle—a protective gift to help with your survival that was built into you (and everyone else) when you were created. You fight so hard to survive these moments too terrorizing for words, these acts of horrendous harm done to you that still have excruciating, debilitating, painful effects on you. Please keep breathing, please keep trying to look for tiny pieces of light when it feels as though you’re pulled into the inescapable darkness and your surroundings are unrecognizable. You are a survivor, courageously fighting for life.

____________________________

In an effort to try to help myself cope with the intense things I was experiencing I recently pushed myself to spend some time outside with my camera at sunset. At one point I decided to experiment with some ICM (Intentional Camera Movement) and this series of images reminded me of the experience of dissociation. It was helpful to be able to use photography as a way to try to express what this experience is like—to help me feel a little less isolated in this extremely challenging experience.

Even though it often feels wrong or unimportant, it’s ok to pause, to inhale and exhale a little more slowly and deeply, to truly see and take note of your surroundings, finding beauty and peace in the details of God’s creation around you. Your circumstances are incredibly challenging and you are worthy of taking these moments to care for yourself. Only then, after tending to your own needs, will you be able to care for others in a healthy way.

___________________

A few days ago I was struggling a lot with my own intense mental health struggles in addition to the stress and fear of my husband’s health struggles and recent hospitalization. Somehow I found the strength to spend some time outside capturing the beauty I saw in the fog and frost that was visible through the windows that morning—it seemed to tell an important, uplifting story that helped me continue pressing on.

You feel like you have been shattered into countless pieces that can never be put back together. You don’t have to hide these shattered pieces in the dark. Maybe, as the light of grace and truth shines on your shattered pieces, it won’t always feel like this.

____________________________

The word shattered came to mind when I saw these pieces of snow that had been chipped away and shoveled off our driveway. I felt I could deeply relate to what I saw. A little later in the day I was able to get outside and take pictures of the shattered snow.

From one perspective this looks like an entirely dark mountain that is totally impossible to climb. From another perspective this mountain looks like a painful challenge that—faced with God’s presence, wisdom and guidance, curiosity, truth, grace, and healthy support—could possibly be conquered. It certainly won’t be easy and you can take it one small, courageous step at a time and seek support and rest when you need it.

____________________________

To me, this snow drift near our house with the pattern of dirt from the corn field blown into the snow seemed to resemble a mountain as I looked down at it which I found fascinating.

I saw the blowing and drifting snow from inside the house, put on a fleece jacket over my 2 long sleeve shirts and also wore my winter coat and braved the cold 12 degree F (-4 wind chill) windy weather to try to capture some of the things I could see from inside. I’m not a fan of this weather but did appreciate spending 35 minutes outside paying attention to and photographing my surroundings.

Often you don’t know what to do or how to survive. And you are learning to gently push yourself to do difficult things in order to help yourself cope. Thank you for working so hard just to get outside and keep looking for light even if it is mainly at home for now. You are using wisdom in finding balance between pushing yourself in a healthy way and being realistic in doing what is manageable for you right now.

____________________________

Just a little patch of golden light I found while spending some time outside in our yard a couple weeks ago. Going outside in our yard and “looking for light” is something I frequently do to help myself cope. This is often a big stretch for me and I’m thankful I have the opportunity to do this at home as leaving my home often is extremely challenging for me.

You are working so hard, trying to remember what the light looks like even when you can’t see it, even when you can’t look up, even when you can’t open your eyes. You capture the light for incredibly difficult moments like this when you’re not sure how you will be able to continue on, to help yourself remember what the light looks like, what the light feels like.

You never know what awaits you on the other side of the hill. Whether it will be tolerable, maybe a little ok, or filled with heartbreaking terror, devastating sadness, intense pain, disturbing physical reminders, or a mixture of all of these. And even in the face of intense fear combined with the possibility of growth and healing, you can experience a beautiful victory when you fight to return to this conflicted place over and over again, take the courageous steps to climb into the unknown, never knowing what awaits you on the other side of the hill.

____________________________

This is one of many photos I’ve taken from the passenger seat as we drive twice each week to my neurofeedback appointments. This practice of seeing, appreciating and capturing my surroundings from the moving car can sometimes be very helpful for me.

Due to intense harm and evil choices of others you are faced with so much darkness, devastation, difficulty, physical and emotional pain and suffering, unpredictability, fear, terror and so many other challenges that almost completely crush you which you are unable to express with words. And amidst all this suffering, when it feels like too much and you want to quit trying to survive, you work to keep looking for light and moving forward in healthy ways even when it seems impossible. Thank you for pressing on at a pace appropriate for you by working to care for yourself through many forms of nourishment, working to receive healthy support through God’s faithfulness and people who deeply care for you, through rest, tears, and graceful acknowledgment of truth and reality. You still have a long way to go on this journey and it is amazing how far you’ve come.

#NotetoSelf

_________________

These images were created simply using my phone during two of my recent hospitalizations for some intense difficulties following a very overwhelming procedure which all stems from and activates the effects of childhood trauma/abuse. This was one of my efforts to try to help myself cope during this extremely challenging time.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”

‭‭John‬ ‭1‬:‭5‬

[this series of images created on 6-13 & 17-2023]‬

It feels like you are drowning in your own sadness and devastation. You feel alone even though logically you know God is always present with you and there are a few people faithfully here supporting you. And somehow you are working to get through each moment that tries to permanently hold you under the water and drain every ounce of life from you even though you would rather stop trying to fight to reach the surface, to breathe and survive.

____________________________

This is a simple image I took back in November of 2021 while walking around our yard like I have done countless times observing my surroundings and making pictures. The leaves in this mud puddle on our driveway were so captivating and seemed to tell me a story I could personally relate to.

These overwhelming, intense and disturbing experiences are not what you would have chosen for yourself. And you work hard to find beauty where you can. While this doesn’t erase the pain and hardship it can help you to survive and continue on.

A lifetime ago your hope was brutally stolen from you, leaving you with no memory of a “before.” Though you were crushed you fervently searched for hope, and in your quest had your hope repeatedly trampled. So you abandoned your journey to find hope, giving up, withdrawing and withering away. And now, after many years, it is amazing the amount of time, energy, hard work, effort and countless other resources you have invested as you continue looking for lost hope. A lot of the time you still lack hope, are learning to borrow hope from trustworthy people in your life—which serves as a reminder of the hope of God’s faithfulness—and are slowly growing at a pace appropriate for you in your journey of looking for lost hope.

_____________________

This was a little jar of dandelions that Hannah (our youngest daughter) put on the windowsill. I saw these drooping dandelions as they were withering away and it reminded me of lost hope. I captured what I saw and this image inspired these thoughts.

[image created on 5-1-2023]

Due to intense harm and evil choices of others you are faced with so much darkness, devastation, difficulty, physical and emotional pain and suffering, unpredictability, fear, terror and so many other challenges that almost completely crush you which you are unable to express with words. And amidst all this suffering, when it feels like too much and you want to quit trying to survive, you work to keep looking for light and moving forward in healthy ways even when it seems impossible. Thank you for pressing on at a pace appropriate for you by working to care for yourself through many forms of nourishment, working to receive healthy support through God’s faithfulness and people who deeply care for you, through rest, tears, and graceful acknowledgment of truth and reality. You still have a long way to go on this journey and it is amazing how far you’ve come.

#NotetoSelf

_________________

These images were created simply using my phone during two of my recent hospitalizations for some intense difficulties following a very overwhelming procedure which all stems from and activates the effects of childhood trauma/abuse. This was one of my efforts to try to help myself cope during this extremely challenging time.

“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.”

‭‭John‬ ‭1‬:‭5‬

[this series of images created on 6-13 & 17-2023]‬

Fight or flight: On the outside you look ok, maybe even calm. And on the inside is the opposite—terror, chaos, anxiety, the unspeakable, panic, fear, disturbing sensations and more…and it all makes sense. You do what you can, appreciate your surroundings and what you notice in creation. The beauty of this flying flock just above the trees on a background of clouds helps provide some peace and calming as you try to ground yourself in this present moment.

____________________________

Another of many images I’ve taken from the passenger seat on a drive home from one of my neurofeedback appointments. I never know how these images will turn out as we’re driving down the highways we travel. This process of making photos of my surroundings really is helpful and calming for me.

You travel this off-road path into the unknown with courage. You don’t know what you will experience along this challenging journey of recovery and you continue on with determination because you can see that this rugged pathway of healing is healthy and worth the fight.

____________________________

Another of many images I’ve taken from the passenger seat on a drive home from one of my neurofeedback appointments. I never know how these images will turn out as we’re driving down one of the highways or the interstate we travel. This process of making photos of my surroundings for a portion of the time during the 6 hours spent in the car each week as we go to and return home from my appointments really is helpful and calming for me.

Maybe it’s ok to find joy and interest in places, moments and things that others don’t seem to notice or value. Maybe it’s more important for you to find glimmers of hope and beauty in your surroundings than to worry about fitting in with the opinions of others. Maybe it’s most helpful for you to remember your perspective can help set the tone for your frame of mind. Maybe, after all the pain, devastation and sadness you’ve experienced and continue to live with, your perspective of finding joy in little things is your way of fighting for life—a truly beautiful and amazing act after all you’ve been through and continue to experience.

_________________

While in the kitchen I saw a little jar that Hannah (our youngest daughter) put on the windowsill with some water and dandelions that had gone to seed because they had been there for a few days. I thought they were beautiful, captivating and fascinating. I thought about how this depended on my perspective. A lot of people see dandelions as weeds, spray their yards and make sure not to have any dandelions growing in their lawn. We have a plentiful “crop” of dandelions in our yard. I think dandelions are beautiful, add some color (yellow is my favorite color) and cheer to our yard. I love seeing them and thought it was wonderful that Hannah finds them beautiful too. Even though I think dandelions are beautiful and love knowing they benefit bees I still hear in my mind the criticisms of people who think they’re weeds that need to be prevented. I try to remember that I find beauty and joy even in this part of creation that many others see as a nuisance, that maybe it’s ok to enjoy what many people consider weeds (even though they’re not actually weeds) and it seems to be a challenging battle to allow myself the freedom to enjoy dandelions. By spending some time capturing these dandelions I allowed myself the freedom to enjoy these dandelions.

[image created on 4-30-2023]

What a gift it is when you experience someone who joins you in the middle of suffering in a healthy and understanding way. Though your painful experiences are something you would never wish for yourself or others there can be a unity and bond in the understanding of similar experiences.

____________________________

Yesterday while struggling intensely I saw a single leaf from inside our home (photo here: www.flickr.com/photos/amandacreamerphotography/5178989549... ) and thought of the phrase “holding on” and also the feeling of being all alone and managed to go take some pictures of it. While outside I also noticed this area with two leaves together which brought to mind the experience of being together with another person in a healthy, supportive way in our suffering. Seeing this, the thoughts it brought to mind and the process of photographing this was helpful for me.

Though you experience so much darkness, there is still light—maybe there is still some hope.

___________________

One evening, after being outside at sunset and taking pictures in my yard, I happened to glance out the window. I was so surprised to see these beautiful blue hour clouds above the corn fields. It was such a captivating sight that I couldn’t stop myself from picking up my camera, running out into the cold without a coat (I’ve learned from experience that the clouds and light can change very quickly) and trying to capture what I saw. Seeing this photo reminds me of what an amazing sight this beautiful evening sky was and how uplifting and encouraging it was to see the small slice of orange light among the big, dark, blue, looming clouds. It told me a beautiful story and reminded me that though I experience so much darkness there is still light, maybe there’s still some hope.

After what has been inflicted on you, true rescue is not merely a one-time action of being removed from a dangerous, harmful, unhealthy location—when this is all that is done, it still leaves you trapped within the harm, deep wounds and ways you’ve wisely and intuitively adapted to try to keep yourself alive and functioning at least on some level—relocation is the first of many steps to true freedom. True rescue involves not only learning how to be of support to yourself, it also requires the authentic, ongoing, helpful, healthy support of others while utilizing the resources appropriate for you as you do the incredibly challenging, painful, meaningful, necessary and important work of healing and growing in many areas and in many different ways.

There have been many incredibly difficult, long lasting seasons in your life. And with all the challenging, intense, long term, internal work you’ve done at a rate that is appropriate and healthy for you, you’ve been able to catch glimpses and notice sometimes the seasons collide—the painful, harmful, isolating, unspeakable seasons and the seasons filled with a little more support, safety, hope, some recovery, and ongoing healing. As you notice these seasons collide you are reminded that both the intensely painful and the healing seasons can exist together. Thank you for looking for the uplifting, encouraging moments among the devastating effects of your unspeakably heartbreaking experiences.

____________________________

One day while at a local park I noticed the beautifully colored, fallen autumn leaves flattened underneath melting snow and slush that had tire tracks visible in it from being run over by a vehicle. This showed me a beautiful story that felt relatable to me and I was drawn to try to capture this meaningful scene I found in nature.

[Image created on 10/31/2019]

Appreciate my work? One way you can support me is through ordering my zines. This helps me to be able to continue my practice of therapeutic photography or with out of pocket neurofeedback therapy costs which is essential in my recovery and healing process. Any support is greatly appreciated—thank you!

Clouds zine: www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/2289133

in the moment | collection 1 zine: www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/2357266

in the moment | collection 2 zine: www.magcloud.com/browse/issue/2383037

It’s so scary, overwhelming, overpowering and feels inescapable when the terror of your reality pulls you back into your past and feels like it’s happening in the present and you experience an involuntarily mental escape for the sake of your survival. This is not a sign that you are bad. This is not a sign that you did something wrong. This is not a sign that you are worthless. This is not a sign that you are too messed up. This is not a sign that you are lazy. This is not a sign that you are weak. This is what happens when your body and mind are faced with a reality too intense and overwhelming to handle—a protective gift to help with your survival that was built into you (and everyone else) when you were created. You fight so hard to survive these moments too terrorizing for words, these acts of horrendous harm done to you that still have excruciating, debilitating, painful effects on you. Please keep breathing, please keep trying to look for tiny pieces of light when it feels as though you’re pulled into the inescapable darkness and your surroundings are unrecognizable. You are a survivor, courageously fighting for life.

Though your experience with feeling the need to escape the brutal effects of harm is still extremely difficult and continues to be incredibly painful, you can see some evidence of your dedication and deep, hard work. While still terrorizing, debilitating and isolating, sometimes you can notice just a little less darkness in your blurry and disorienting reality. You can sometimes see a tiny bit more hope, light, and connection to yourself, others and your Creator. You still suffer a lot, still have a long journey ahead of you and you’re doing the work of growing, recovering, restoring and healing. Thank you for continuing on in the fight for your life.

____________________________

This image was created one evening, outside in our yard and I tried to do what I could to cope. One tool that helps me cope with the effects of trauma is through therapeutic photography. Among other benefits this helps me to have a voice when I am unable to speak audibly, gives me a sense of safety and control (things that harm and trauma took away from me), to be mindful, to process thoughts, feelings and experiences and gives meaning and insight to my experiences, especially when it seems to be beyond what I can express with words.

[image created on 4-7-2023]

It seems as though words could never fully express your experiences and how you feel as though you’re wilted and withering beneath the enormous weight of being trapped under the horrific harm that was done to you. So you find meaning and healing through what you see and the pictures you thoughtfully capture. Thank you for following your intuition and allowing yourself to find a way to help articulate and give voice to what is inside you even though it can feel wrong, unimportant, frivolous, scary, unfamiliar and unnecessary. Through your courageous work in this area you have been able to find one helpful way to cope and experience some healing.

___________________

One day while taking pictures of things in our garage that I found fascinating, I noticed this tiny branch with dried leaves that had broken off the bush next to the garage. It was trapped under the garage door and when I saw this I felt I could deeply relate to the story this scene seemed to tell me.

You have faced so much harm, pain, despair, shame, difficulty, terror and suffering that living a life of growth, health, joy, and hope is unimaginable in your mind. And very slowly, over time, through God’s grace, some healthy relationships, a lot of very hard work, resources that are providing some healing and calming effects and an ability to begin to cope, learn and grow, you are starting to see some possibilities that were completely unimaginable before. Thank you for giving this a try even though you have no idea what this looks like, it is completely unfamiliar, complex, unclear and even scary—thank you.

____________________________

I haven’t taken all that many pictures for a while. Monday evening as I was struggling I pushed myself to spend some time outside with my camera as a way to try to help myself cope. After a while I experimented with some in-camera double exposures and this is one of the double exposure photos I made of some roadside weeds at our home. It has been so long since I’ve been able to put any words with the photos I have taken. It was such a surprise that these words started forming in my mind as I was captivated by this image and kept looking at the colors, the texture, the blur, the beautiful mystery. I was thankful for this inspiring moment.

Now you are no longer alone—surrounded by the presence of a trustworthy person and God’s faithful spirit. Through the devastating harm and neglect you experienced you were taught you were not worthy and it was not allowed for you to receive healthy connection and genuine support from others. All your life this is all you had known, the only way you had lived. And now you are courageously working—at a pace appropriate for you—to rewrite that destructive and painful message. In your numbness that was necessary for your survival and imposed isolation it’s incredibly difficult for you to take tiny steps toward accepting that you are not alone as you are in the presence of another person who truly sees you, understands and supports you and to receive the healthy connection and support from even just a few trustworthy people in your life. This intense journey to work toward receiving these elements that are so vital, important and necessary is very challenging and you are seeing that it is worth the great effort and energy required. You are beginning to experience that there can be some freedom and healing when you are not alone.

[image created on 4-26-2023]

It feels as though your imaginary wings have been snapped off by the effects of devastating experiences outside your control and you’re incapable of flying to great heights and functioning like everyone around you. And you’re working so hard to survive, recover, heal, grow, learn and be here for yourself and others. Your commitment, dedication and determination in this hard work are worth celebrating.

____________________________

As I was outside in the cold taking pictures next to our driveway I was amazed when I noticed these pieces of snow looked like broken wings and felt compelled to capture what I saw and write some words to go with the image.

You can see the similarities—the outward and the inward. This brutal thunderstorm so severe that left you parked along the road, questioning whether you would be able to continue traveling to your appointment where you receive the vital elements that provide support, healing and recovery. Bright bolts of lightning and roaring thunder that send startling vibrations throughout the car, thick, blasting, visually impairing sheets of rain sent sideways by the violent gusts of wind. These major, uncontrollable obstacles make what is necessary for growth, recovery, healing, repair and reworking seem to be impossible. The intense difficulties all seem to be symbolic of how hard you have to fight for your own life, growth, healing, recovery and to accept and receive help and support due to the effects of the brutal harm you’ve endured. It is amazing that as you experience many challenges that cause this healing journey to feel nearly impossible, you courageously work to keep fighting for life.

#NotetoSelf

[image created on 6-29-2023]

You are working so hard to stand firm in the middle of experiencing more than you can handle. It seems it will never end and somehow you’re still here.

____________________________

Another of many images I’ve taken from the passenger seat on a drive to one of my neurofeedback appointments. I never know how these images will turn out as we’re driving down one of the highways or the interstate we travel. This process of making photos of my surroundings really is helpful and calming for me.

Maybe it’s ok to rest, to cry, to acknowledge that you’re not ok, to recognize what you’re feeling (when it’s possible to notice), to allow yourself to grieve, to care for yourself. It makes sense that carrying out these necessary and important actions is unfamiliar, challenging and even scary for you. And you are surviving, growing, learning and healing through working to listen to and do what you can to meet your needs even though it’s not easy—a true victory.

____________________________

My soft blanket and pillow where I have spent countless hours. The light shining onto the wrinkled pillowcase caught my eye so I took a quick picture with my phone.

Your early life experiences have had deeply painful impacts upon your brain, your mind and how you see and relate to things, experiences and people. Your layers upon layers of deeply traumatic experiences have led you to see through tear covered glasses. Though you have faced pain-filled misunderstandings and further harm as a result of some people seeing through their rose colored glasses and acting accordingly, there is still value, truth and importance in your perspective. Just because some people are critical of your thoughts, ideas and viewpoints is not an indication you are wrong, too messed up, crazy or bad. You have a gift of seeing things from a vantage point some people will not understand or may choose to invalidate. It’s ok to be who God created you to be.

____________________________

A few weeks ago I went outside in the rain to take some pictures and while enjoying my time outside I got soaked by the falling rain. I am new to the world of wearing glasses. At nearly 40 years old I’ve never needed to wear glasses and though I still have 20/20 vision I needed to start wearing glasses 6 months ago. Just before coming back into the house on that rainy day I realized my glasses had raindrops all over them. This transition to wearing glasses has felt like a huge change for me and little things like tiny raindrops on my glasses really changes my perspective and disturbs my vision—slowly over time I’m trying to learn to “see through” the spots on my lenses and it’s still not as clear as all the years I didn’t need to wear glasses. When this happened it reminded me of the concept of seeing the world through tear covered glasses and it seemed like almost the opposite of seeing through rose colored glasses and what an impact these filters can have on us and those around us.

You feel so small, lifeless and overwhelmed and you’re working hard to push through the painful obstacles you face, take time to rest and keep looking for light.

So I'm posting the 365 totally out of order now, as I still hadn't caught up, but had such a nice autumnal day today that I wanted to post these now.

A few outtakes in the comments below.

You are trying to keep looking for light even in the middle of your fear and paralyzing uncertainty. And here in the midst of the struggle the light is beautiful. While it doesn’t erase the pain and difficulty you experience it’s such a blessing and victory that you persevere and your intense struggles didn’t completely keep you from noticing the light and taking in its beauty.

You worked so hard to reach this milestone that seemed unattainable due to the many painful, debilitating, intense, devastating and overwhelming circumstances you constantly experience each moment. Maybe it’s important to acknowledge reaching this milestone and celebrate the fact that time after time you overcame battles that seemed too overpowering. This photo project has been a blessing to you and may it somehow be a gift of encouragement, hope, peace or some other benefit for others.

____________________________

I decided to share one of my more recent cloud photos in celebration of reaching a milestone with my Clouds photo project that I was unsure I would ever reach. I’ve spent years taking cloud photos and many many months putting this project together for print. On Wednesday evening I managed to get to the point in this project where I was able to order a test print of some of the Clouds images in zine format before eventually progressing with the full zine print. In addition to my intense struggles I battle each moment of each day I also had to overcome the hurdles of fear, trying something new, something unknown, teaching myself to use desktop publishing software and the confusion and complications I was having saving this project as a PDF. It felt like a huge accomplishment and a true victory to see my test print zine on the webpage of the printing company and to click the mouse to place the order. I considered this an accomplishment and victory for myself and hopefully for others as well with the hope it may be of benefit to others in some way. While I am doing this for myself I also have you in mind while working on this project.

You can read a blog post I wrote about my Clouds project here: amandacreamerphotography.com/2022/07/09/photo-project-clo...

You have faced intense harm and pain that has been crippling and devastating; and you’ve invested a lot of time, energy and courage in working to overcome the severe impairment you’ve experienced as a result of the harm you’ve endured. Even with your deep work and growth, the imprint of these awful experiences leaves you feeling as though you’re seeing double—your reality seems both clear and unclear at the same time as you are learning the truth yet severely question and attack yourself. Thank you for working to remind yourself of the truth while showing yourself grace and for choosing to find beauty in the messy middle of this process even though it often feels nearly impossible.

____________________________

I made this photo one evening as I was spending some time outside, working to cope, and appreciating the beauty of the roadside “weeds” near our home. This image is an in-camera double exposure made with one still image and one ICM / motion blur image. I’ve been experimenting with this type of double exposure for a while and have really appreciated the process and the mystery—I never know exactly what I’ll get.

You are doing the extremely challenging, painful, rewarding and courageous work of looking back at your past experiences. Even when other people look down on you and send shameful messages about looking back, you continue your work of looking back in a healthy way—by addressing the past which affects the present—in order to work on your healing and recovery process.

____________________________

This is one of many photos I’ve taken from the passenger seat as we drive twice each week to my neurofeedback appointments. This practice of seeing, appreciating and capturing my surroundings from the moving car can sometimes be very helpful for me.

You are trapped inside, wilting behind the glass and courageously working to do what you can to get free, to be where you belong.

__________________________

When I saw these daffodils sitting on a windowsill in the kitchen, they seemed to tell a story I could relate to—of being trapped behind a glass wall (that seems invisible to others) due to the harm and trauma I’ve endured which prevents me from fully living and being able to function well. It’s a sad, devastating reality and I work to do what I can to survive, cope, continue growing and healing.

[image created on 4-19-2023]

There was no way you could have known exactly what to expect. You are unaware of what awaits you as you travel this unpredictable, though rewarding journey. And you are brave, following the path that is necessary for you—while it’s extremely intense and challenging you are doing the deep, exhausting, painful, excruciating, validating, life-giving work of healing and becoming more of who God created you to be.

________________________

One of the many foggy views I saw last week on our way to a neurofeedback therapy appointment that was more intense than I could describe with words—incredibly difficult, exhausting and necessary, rewarding and healing. As I see the images I took from the passenger seat it shows me a metaphor for my experience that day and throughout this journey.

#aphotoaday

[image created on 1-25-2024]

____________________________

As a way to cope with circumstances beyond my control, survive and work to keep fighting for life I decided to try to take at least one photo (or more) each day. I call this “a photo (or more) a day.” Practicing this form of therapeutic photography helps me work to focus on the present moment, gives me something familiar and enjoyable to focus on as I use photography skills that have become like second-nature to me and being able to view the images I capture helps me recall what I was thinking, feeling and noticing at the moment when I created the photos. More of the photos from this series can be seen on my Instagram account

I may not always have the energy, time or capacity to share photos from this series—especially with the very challenging circumstances my family and I are experiencing—and will do my best to continue taking a photo (or more) a day even if I’m not able to share.

If you would like to support my work and my family, one way you can do so is by ordering my zines:

CLOUDS

in the moment | collection 1

in the moment | collection 2

Moving Forward

Many thanks for your support.

Thank you for taking the time to step outside when you can, look for the light, take note of your surroundings and find beauty in creation and in being creative even though this doesn’t always feel productive, important or worthwhile due to the harmful messages you’ve received. This truly is an important part of your process of coping, growing, healing and truly living.

#NotetoSelf

[image created on 5-18-2023]