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Day 124/365
I firmly believe that someday we'll know... why all the terrible things that happened did. I believe that every moment of your life is meant to lead to something. I have to believe that or I'd never have survived this long.
And sometimes, even now when I look back I can see some of the reasons, I can see some moments that are gracing my current path. Sometimes, I see the ways my pain are making a difference... not just in my life but in the lives of others.
There are still pieces of my past that I don't understand, that I can't find a good reason for. That to me just look... pointlessly painful.
But I know there is a greater plan. And I believe that someday I'll look back at even the worst moments and say, "I know why this happened. I know why I had to endure this. I know."
Day 170/365
I got a phone call today. Something I'd pretty much discounted as an option has been offered up to me again. There's an opportunity in my path now that came at a really bad time actually.
In truth, it's something I'd really like to pursue, but to follow it right now would be really unfair to the people I would leave behind.
Really though, I don't know what to do. A big part of me wants to say yes to this, wants to move away from where I'm at career-wise and try something new. To revert to something that I really loved doing in the past. I told them I needed time to think about it. But there's not a lot of time I can have. They need a decision right away. Of course it also happened on a day that was super-stressful, essentially a major reminder of the things about this job that I don't like. And then, this unexpected offer to top off the day.
And maybe it's stupid to write about this in such a public forum, but this is my journey. This decision is part of it, however it ends up.
So tonight, I'm grateful that there is a decision to make at all. I think in a lot of ways I've been feeling like I'm in this job because I'm stuck here without any other options. And now, I have an option.
I just have to decide... what's the right choice to make right now? Do I leave behind something I don't necessarily enjoy... but by consequence also leave behind a group of people that I respect and admire IMMENSELY?
Or do I give up an opportunity to do something I would truly enjoy because I value my integrity more so than perhaps my day-to-day happiness?
I don't know. It's going to be a long night. I trust that whatever decision I land on will be right and that I'll be guided to it if I listen hard enough.
Day 172/365
The funny thing is, I waited for that call to come for weeks. Waited for the offer, to work for a company I've applied to at least 3 times. And when it finally came, I chose to stay. I called them this morning and said I just couldn't leave where I'm at. Not like that, not now. And when I went into the office this morning I felt... lighter, happier, more content.
And I think maybe the thing I really needed, was to know that what I do right now is a CHOICE. I needed there to be an alternative, a really tempting one so that surviving these crazy hours, working round the clock for 3 months of the year, the challenges, the difficulties... I needed to know I wasn't just stuck here.
I needed my work to be my choice. And now it is. And it's strange, how much difference that seems to have made. I had to know I had another option to see the value of what I was already doing. I think maybe that's the irony of it all. I spent months stressing about summer, about peak, about how crazy it was going to be. I wanted to have a way out before that all hit, but now that I'm in it... and now that I've said "this is where I need to be," I can see the parts of this job that I like-- that I even love really.
I just needed to see the alternate path to know... this is where I should be right now. And it's a good place to be. It's right. And despite it all... I am happy here. Truly.
Day 206/365. July 12th, 2011
Ok, I lied. I can't find inspiration every single day. And today... compared to yesterday? A little worse if anything.
But it's OK. Seriously. One of the things I've learned in the last 206 days... is that not every day is going to be wonderful. Not everyday is going to be piece of cake. Not everyday is going to be... salvageable even.
I'm tired. It's hotter than hell. And work was insane. The hours were ridiculously long, and there is a lot waiting for me again tomorrow. So today, I'm sort of... blank. I'm empty and worn out and honestly, just want this week to be OVER.
But I survived. And I'll survive tomorrow too, and the day after that. And yes, it will be ok. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow... but it will be. Believe that.
Day 149/360
You know, for a Monday, this was pretty ok. Someone asked today if I'm still working on this project and I said yes... but that I've been having some struggles keeping up because of my health issues. I stopped to think though, about what my ultimate goals are-- not just for this project but for my life in general.
And I realized today that I've made a shift. Sometimes, these letters can be a challenge because I don't always believe them. Because sometimes when I write out all these words of encouragement and inspiration-- in my head they just don't take over the way I wish they would.
Today though, this thought flowed through my mind and I smiled because I DO believe it. I believe that my life is a masterpiece-- or will be someday. And the fact that I'm not complete yet doesn't discourage me. It doesn't make me afraid today. It doesn't make me anxious. Today, and maybe just for today, I am completely at peace in my head. At peace because I know that I am working and moving forward and pushing ahead and I know that in the end my life is going to be something really remarkable. Because I am going to be someone really remarkable.
And at least in this moment, tonight, today, in this space of time-- I believe that completely. And I can wait. I can wait patiently and put in my time and effort and work wherever I need to in order to reach the place where my life is supposed to be.
Day 134/365
I have trouble sleeping, just as a general principle most of the time. Usually because I can't turn my brain off. Sometimes I need a reminder that it is ok to STOP THINKING, to stop worrying, to stop planning.
It is ok to climb into bed and just... sleep. And sometimes, it's necessary. For your sanity, for your well-being, for your physical health.
So tonight, I'm finishing things up early. I'm not going to worry about hanging up my laundry. I'm not going to stress about what may happen tomorrow, or this week, or in the next month.
I'm going to tune out the world around me, and try-- for once... to just rest. Because I need that.
I give myself permission to turn off the world and sleep.
Day 185/365 June 21st, 2011
More work stress today. That's the way it goes in the summer. But at the end of the day, as people contemplated hitting the bar, although I declined, I did realize that I'd spent a good portion of my day worrying about stuff. Things beyond my control, issues that couldn't really be helped, and situations that will probably resolve themselves naturally anyway.
And all it got me was more stress, more worry... for what? Nothing.
I elected not to hit the bar... but I did resolve to spend less time freaking out. It didn't help anything, didn't solve the issues on my desk. Most of the time these days I'm able to stay pretty calm... but I think I need to focus on keeping that sense of calm even when things start to get a little crazy. There's still a month and a half of our official "busy season," and I don't want to waste time freaking out about stuff I can't control.
Day 186/365 June 22nd, 2011
It's funny sometimes, to think about the steps that took me to the place I am today. Not physically, but emotionally. Looking back I can see all the progress, see the major shifts in my thinking, in my feeling, in the way I approach my life. But as the changes were actually happening-- they didn't seem like big changes.
In the moment, it seemed as though I woke up one morning and had made some huge leap. Then a seeming lack of change for months... to wake up another morning and suddenly feel as though I'd made another huge leap. And again... nothing for months and then... waking up feeling altered. Better. Changed.
Looking back I can see the actual work that I did. And it wasn't easy, or sudden. It was small steps, small changes, day by day... changes that seemed invisible as they were happening. I can recognize now though, how each day built on the last, each small change led to another... so that every few months another tape got rewritten completely, so that every few months, some major shift could be seen in my thinking, so that every few months the way I approached the world altered completely.
I'm proud of that. Proud that something that once seemed so impossible has happened. Proud that they didn't just happen, but that the transitions seemed to come so seemlessly. I think that's the way real lasting change must come about... quietly and daily... not without effort of course, but in such a way that by the time you realize the change has been made-- it's so engrained it can't go back the way it was. I won't ever be the girl i was before all this started. I can't be. I know too much, I feel too differently. Everything's different now.
And I'm so glad.
Near Pulau Dayang Jetty, Malaysia, 13 Oct 2007. I saw this Moray eel when we were back from diving at a nearby island. At that time I have already dearmed my diving gear. But the eel is so attractive to me that I decided to go down to the water with my mask and camera. The depth is at about 1.5 meters. By holding my breath up and down several times, I eventually got this one which is kind of satisfation to myself! :-)
On 4/12 I went for my first appointment at the UT Southwester Oncology center. During a routine exam, I started to hemorrhage, and was taken directly to the OR for an emergency D&C (my second D&C of the year). At the end of the day they'd removed several pounds worth of tumors.
It was also the moment when I finally realized ... just how sick I'd been.
Sleeveless Top Knee Length Skirt #Woman Two Pieces Suit t.co/mb8Dq9Pu0A #DearMe #ipad
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— progress (@1bestcellphone) March 4, 2015
I'm participating in the sneakylove project. basically... you request a sticker... they send you one and you attach it to a piece of your art... then drop it somewhere...
People who find it... can go to the web address, let them know it got found... and even re-drop it somewhere else for someone else to find.
I decided to use 2 of my DearMe images... particularly two dealing with Beauty standards and self-esteem. The sneakylove people liked it so much, they sent me TWO stickers! :score:
This is the back of the first image (I included a note with each drop)... which can be seen here: