Day 194/365, June 30th, 2011

I know yesterday I said I was going to keep my eyes on the goal, to not get bogged down in the obstacles. But today-- well, today sucked. Sincerely. Every time I turned around there were issues. The system acted up all day, and when I got home tonight... I just saw that old black cloud creeping up behind me. An old refrain of... not enough, you're not enough began trying to take hold of me again.

I feel it creeping towards me, the blackness, the dark, the depression. I can almost see the slow black sludge slipping across the edges of my consciousness.

And it's so tempting. To hasten it, to bring it back. To wallow in the endless pools of unfeeling that would inevitably come with it.

But I shake my self, shake my head, shiver my body, and I remind myself that that sludge is not what it once was... it is just-- exhaustion. It is tiredness, and frustration. It is not the top of that never-ending spiral that I used to get stuck in time and time again.

No, it is just me tired, frustrated, stressed out. And it will pass. In the next 2 weeks, our summer season will start to wind down, volume will start to diminish and it will go back to the laid-back atmosphere that I really enjoy.

And so instead of letting it wash me over, instead of letting it carry me away... I plant my feet. I assume a fighting stance. And when it pushes at me, at the edges of me where I might still be just a little weaker-- I. Push. Back.

I push back. I push and push and push and I will not allow it to cloud my life again. I won't. Because I am finally STRONGER than my disease. I am stronger than my disorders. I am stronger than my anxiety, my depression, my hopelessness, my worthlessness. I am stronger than the lies my brain has told me for so many years.

And so, as I watch it ebb slowly towards me, I stand my ground and I push back.

I will not be owned by darkness again. I will pull out my rose colored glasses, I will choose, decide, be determined to see the world through optimistic eyes. Through eyes that know better, through eyes that know I am more than the sludge that used to own me. I will see the world with eyes that refuse to acknowledge the power of sludge, because I know I am stronger. I am different than the girl who once so easily succumbed.

I see things differently now.

龐畢度

Day 3/365

A continuation of Day 2s photo, I'm realizing that the first step to really moving forward is to love and appreciate myself. If I can do that, then others will too-- heck others did before I did!

Day 4/365

Part of the problem with abuse is that you feel like you have no control, no power. For 20 years I kept that feeling alive by believing it was partly my fault.

This year, I'm taking my power back from my abuser. This is my life, no one else's.

Day 121/365

I was talking to a friend tonight who is sort of... just starting her spiritual path in a lot of ways. She attended church with a mutual friend of ours on Sunday and had called to tell me about the experience. And it brought up a lot of things for me... mostly good. It's so rewarding to hear someone start a journey of faith, and it reminded me that I've been saying for awhile now that I really want to find a church-- to become part of that community again.

I was raised Episcopalian which was a blessing in a lot of ways because I was raised in a branch of faith that is, as a general principle, a lot more tolerant than some denominations. It means that when I finally came out of the closet, my own personal faith crises was probably a lot less traumatic than it is for some. Part of my delay in returning to church is that now, living in the heart of the Bible Belt... it can be a challenge to find a community (even an Episcopalian one) that is truly accepting-- and welcoming of Lesbians and Gays.

So far, I've attended 3 specifically LGBT friendly churches in the area, and in truth my experience has left me feeling a little bit like Goldilocks seeking her chair... one was too large, the other too small, and the 3rd... well it might be right-- but my own anxieties keep getting in my own way. And after talking to my friend about her experience at our friend's church I saw this quote and felt like it really spoke to my current church situation. Even in a community where I'm comfortable... I still have to deal with my regular anxieties. Anxiety about people, about crowds, about new faces, about judgements. I don't want to go to a church where I don't know anyone and have to build every single relationship from scratch. Basically, my reservations, my hesitations, my anxieties have been keeping me from finding something I've really been missing.

As my friend talked to me about her experience at this new church, I felt more and more drawn in. She's someone who understands better than most my anxiety issues, my trouble with crowds and new people... and when she told me she was comfortable there-- that she thought I would be comfortable there I believed her.

So in a couple weeks, I'm going to go with them. 2 friends by my side. Which means instant support if my anxiety springs up... and a community that from all accounts is open and welcoming.

And a return to a faith community. I'm looking forward to it. I'm ready to stop standing in my way to this particular piece of fulfillment. Thankfully, I have friends to support me so I don't have to conquer it alone.

Day 62/365

I was thinking about this today... not this quote specifically, but about endings, about beginnings, about how close we come sometimes to giving up.

I've given up on a lot of things in my life... relationships, opportunities, even myself. I've given up things I loved in rebellion, have given up things others wanted for me in self-preservation.

And I've had many moments in my life where I felt things were ending, and have been so consumed in endings, in loss, in pain that I missed what was even more important-- that every ending that comes our way is there to make room for something new.

And everything that ends and leaves you does so for a reason. Whether it's to remove a toxin or toxic relationship from your life, or to give you room to see yourself the way other people see you. Whether it's to show you that your path is branching in a new and better direction, or to prove to you that the pain of your past really can be behind you.

I've had many moments in my life where I felt like my whole world was falling apart, where I was SURE it was over, that I just should just give up on everything because everything seemed to be giving up on me.

And I can look back now and see how each and every loss, how each and every "end of the world" moment led me another step closer to the woman I'm becoming today.

In the place of every ending, something else new came forward to make my life richer, fuller, to make me more ME. And while I wouldn't go so far as to call myself a butterfly just yet-- I no longer fear the "ends" of my worlds... because I know when all of the growing pains are done-- I'll be able to really fly.

Day 46/365

This will no doubt a recurring theme throughout this year. I've said before that one of the tapes that seems to play most consistently in my head is the one that says I am not enough. It's probably the most persistent, and may end up being the one that takes the longest to erase and re-write.

Today I worked from home again because the roads are still to treacherous to travel on. I had connection issues, several customer emergencies, and then lost my connection to the remote office for more than 2 hours.

I worked my tail off through all of it, feeling the hours of the day fly by me, trying so hard not to make a list of the myriad of things I couldn't even GET to while trying to settle major issues without the full resources of my office.

And during my 2 hours downtime, I saw this quote float through my tumblr dashboard and thought-- perfect. This is my motto for today. Instead of striving and fighting and pushing and driving myself crazy trying to BE enough, maybe I should just do the best I can and then call THAT enough. Then release it, let go, relax.

And maybe that's the policy I need to start applying to the rest of my life as well. I am always the one who works harder, stays longer, takes things more personally, is most afraid of being wrong, or making a mistake, or screwing something up. I am constantly trying to be perfect at whatever I do. Especially when it comes to work environments.

And instead, what I need to do is continue to do my best... and accept that my best really is enough. When I broke down at the end of last summer and my boss chided me for working too much, one of the things we talked about was my idea of "my best." My expectation, my definition of "best" was leaps and bounds above the level of her expectations. At some point I have to accept that no one could possibly live up to the expectations I set for myself. It is time to let go of those expectations, and accept that I am ENOUGH.

Imperfect... and enough.

Day 39/365

Work today-- well, not great. Super busy, issues everywhere, and a report I volunteered to do thinking it would take me an hour (wrong!). By the time 4:30 rolled around I was JUST starting to look at my to-do list for the day.

The good news is I managed to get almost all caught up, and as I've mentioned before, this is the kind of job where sometimes you just have leave before you're actually "finished." But it's hard, and on top of the insecurities I've been battling the rest of the week, it was hard to leave my work incomplete.

In truth though, I had done enough. Today, I made some mistakes. I left some things undone. I didn't follow through on something. I ran out of time. i got frustrated. I got annoyed. I got angry.

I got over it. I did my best. I got as much done as I could. I got done the critical things. And the mistakes I made... are not crucial. They will not cost me my job... in fact, I will probably be the only one who even notices that they were made at all.

I am not perfect. But I try every day, to be the best Me I can be. I don't always succeed. But I try try try. And I am learning to love me... imperfect as I am. Because no matter what happens to me, no matter what mistakes i make... I keep finding the energy, the reserves, the dedication to come back the next day... and try again. Not to be perfect-- but to be my best. And I don't expect my best to be perfection-- at least, not anymore. No, I'm learning to love my true, beautiful, imperfect self.

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Day 78/365

I had to give myself a reminder today that this is MY journey. This is my path to walk, and I have to do this my way. There is no one route to healing. There is no one route to wholeness.

This project is part of my path, it's part of what's working for me. And it may seem sometimes as though I'm stuck somewhere obvious on that path, stuck at an obstacle that seem so simple to someone else-- there is nothing wrong with being stuck. No one said this was easy.

I have put off "fixing" myself for years and some of the pieces that I'm sorting through are there because of damage that has sunk deep in my soul. Those pieces don't lift out quickly, or easily. Sometimes it takes multiple brushstrokes to make a single visible mark.

The life I'm creating now is mine, pure and simple. And while I can be guided and supported and advised along the way... the actual creation of it should be done only by my hands.

In the end... it's my hand that holds the brush. Because in the end, I'm the one who will live with the final work that's created. This is my masterpiece and it's mine to create.

Day 96/365

You know, this has been a good week. Truly. It's had it's stressful moments, and I'd like to say I've finally licked my insomnia (I haven't... sadly), but all in all, it's been a good week.

As I was trying to decide on the messages for tonight's photos (more pressure since I needed to make up for last night's missed message too!), I came across this quote minus the last line.

I realized that it ALMOST summed up the way I've been feeling this week. I've been remembering, days BEFORE it all fell apart, days BEFORE he ruined me, ruined my heart.

I've been remembering the way it felt to believe in magic. Everything seems brighter, from the color of the trees to the clouds in the sky. The world seems to have more contrast, more vibrancy, and I keep calling back to the days before I was old enough to know that things like Fairies and Santa and the Easter Bunny weren't real.

There's something remarkable about that time in our lives. And while I have a feeling my time there was more brief than most, I'm starting to remember how it felt, to look at the world and see only wonderful things... to see only beauty all around me.

I may never fully recapture that sense of wonder, but as Spring begins to bloom around me, I charge the batteries for my camera each night, and pack up in the morning watching, waiting, for just the right magic to cross my path.

For now, I'm enjoying the recovered vibrancy that seems to be flooding through my memory... and through my days.

Find something beautiful today, soak it in, let it remind of you simpler days, the magical times before you knew there was anything else in the world besides you and the joy of life itself.

Day 1/365:

I spent 20 years wrapped in guilt and hurt and fear because of something that happened to me when I was 7, 8, 9 years old. Every decision I made, every opportunity that was presented to me, every compliment paid was met somewhere in my mind with the guilt over my abuse. I deserved better than that for 20 years. My life from here forward will BE better than that.

Eight weeks old with a heartbeat, head, no hair.

Day 72/365

I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am incredibly blessed. My family is... amazing. Our relationship has grown immensely over the last few years since we first found each other, and they are incredibly supportive and loving and encouraging of my journey, my art, my whole... self really. We have our differences, just like any family-- but I know that no matter what happens they love me. And that's it. That's all that really matters.

This message tonight is a small piece of a message my grandmother sent me today.

"Sometimes we spend so much time looking for the answer that we already have. God made each of us remarkable, talented, passionate, and beautiful, we each just need to become the person that He intended us to be. It's not what you see in the mirror but what He sees in you."

I love this. Because it brings into play a whole other angle to this whole journey-- not just becoming the person I want to be, but becoming the person HE intended me to be.

I know that a lot of the folks that read these messages may be agnostic, or atheist, or pagan, or jewish or hindu. And in all honesty it doesn't really matter. If you believe in a higher power, if you believe in something bigger than yourself, there has to be a piece of you that believes that somewhere out there, there is a life you are intended to lead, a person you are intended to become.

For me, I believe that God has a plan. And in the last year or two, I've started to really tune into some of what that plan may include... my art being part of it, but my sense-of self worth being the biggest piece. With the restoration of my faith in myself, I strengthen my faith in Him.

And for those that are believers, maybe we need to be reminded sometimes... that we are the incredible creations of a remarkable God. And for those that aren't, be reminded that regardless of who or what you believe IN, you are part of an incredible creation... whether you believe that it happened scientifically, or by the hand of God, or if you don't have a clue how everything came to be... look at the life that is YOU, and be reminded that no matter how you got here... you are part of something really marvelous-- and isn't that worth so much more than whatever you see in the mirror?

Day 73/365

I had no great revelations today. There were no major "ahas". It was just a day. Work was rough, but not terrible. I got some things accomplished today. I left some stuff undone. I enjoyed my coworkers banter, but kept mostly to myself. I passed on happy hour after work, I stayed to work on a report, captured 2 different parts of tonight's sunset, then came home grateful for a special dinner brought from Norma's.

And as I sat to contemplate my message for the day I decided that there was a message to find between the lines of my routine.

I work a lot. I work hard. But as I stood at the window of our office, camera in hand and marveled at the sunset, I realized that being the photographer that I am gives me a unique view unto itself.

Because even after a long stressful day, I saw, and captured something that took my breath away. And in that moment, my day melted behind me. I breathed more deeply, saw more clearly, and had a moment of sheer pleasure.

And when I saw this quote I thought how perfectly it fit that moment. Because these ARE the days I'll look back on, the ones I remember. The ones I WANT to remember. So in between my crazy hours, and my stressful days-- I want to make more of an effort to do just this: relax... enjoy... and create days that I'll look back on and remember... create MY "good old days."

Day 70/365

I was talking today about how I'm coming to a point where I'm going to be making some decisions in my life. First, I'm preparing to do another big stuff-purgge. When I left Oregon, so much of me was still wrapped up in grief, and memory, and all my old ways of dealing with the world around me. And because of that... when I moved I brought with me so much stuff that really-- I don't need to hold onto. I'm also reaching a place where I'm going to have some options available to me that I haven't had before. And in truth, some of those options are going to require deciding between 2 paths, and right now... well, I'm not entirely sure which route I'll take when it comes time to make those decisions.

I was thinking though, about when I left Oregon. It's a decision that was 2 years in the making. I had nothing there really, no truly viable job prospects, no close friends, no one who really knew me. I couldn't leave though. At the time I had a long-distance girlfriend, asking me to consider it, asking me to try, to move on. But i couldn't. I wasn't ready. And when things fell apart completely-- the decision was very clear. It was easy.

I left. In looking back, most of the big, hard decisions in my life have been that way though. I struggle with them, fight them even... and inevitably there comes a point where the right decisions is just... obvious. So I'm learning. Learning to be patient. To wait. To see the signs as things settle around me.

And when it's time to make those decisions, when it's really time-- the right path will be clear. The mud will settle, and the waters will be clear, and I'll know what needs to be done.

I always do.

Day 164/365

I thought this quote was one of the most beautiful I've seen throughout this project. Truly. The full text reads:

"Sometimes, I imagine life is like a piano. The white keys represent happiness while the black keys represent sadness. But as you go through life's journey, remember that the black keys make music too."

And how appropriate. I call exceptions all the time, am the first to admit that this whole process is just that-- a process. That I still have bad days too, moments when the progress I've made through this slips away for an instant, and I revert to my baser instincts to deal with obstacles in my path. But I love this sentiment, the idea that even the pieces of our life, the pieces of our path that aren't just sunshine and roses... still contribute to the music of our souls.

People joke sometimes, about their lives having a soundtrack... but I'll tell you a secret-- mine does. There is always music in my head, always. A song, a medley, a mashup of tunes and lyrics running through me at all times. I wouldn't be surprised, if it were possible to really see into dreams, to find that those were punctuated by musical accompaniment as well.

And sometimes it's annoying-- because in a way it means that my head is never just... still. Ever.

But at the same time-- I relish it, the constantly looping and swooping music that punctuates my daily life. And yes, sometimes it's a sad song, sometimes angry... but I am always in the company of music. I am always listening to the piano in my heart... and how dull it all would be without the black keys, how dull if the only keys were major with no minors.

I'm so glad for everything that's contributed to my daily playlist, the one I don't need an ipod for, the one that requires no subscriptions, no downloads, no effort. It's just there, rolling through me-- good and bad.

And isn't that all life is really? Learning to roll with all of that? Not just the anthems, the cheers, the songs of jubilation... but also the ballads, the angry rebel cheers, and the sad songs that tear at you from the first note?

How beautiful, how blessed to hear the noise of both my black and white keys.

Day 91/365

I did this today. Yesterday I reached out to a friend I haven't seen in awhile and invited her to dinner. We enjoyed some comfort food (seriously, a restaurant BASED around mac n cheese???), watched kids play in a fountain, then decided to go hunt down tonight's "super moon."

We drove out to the lake and talked through sunset, then drove around the state park looking for perfect vantage points for tonight's moon.

272 photos later, we headed home. At one point, I confessed to her that asking her to dinner was actually part of a therapy assignment-- to reach out to people, to actually make plan to connect with someone in my life. And I told her she was first round pick because with her, I always feel like I don't have to BE anything. I can just... be.

And that's what this evening was really... me stepping outside (literally and figuratively), clearing my head, and remembering who I am. Remembering the person inside buried beneath anxiety and body issues. And realizing that she won't be buried for ever. Tonight may have been a relatively "safe" step for me, but it was still a step.

I know that eventually, it won't take me two weeks to work up the nerve to reach out to a friend. And eventually, I'll feel as comfortable with all of them as I do with tonight's companion. But for now, I'm proud of my day. Proud of myself. And after a day spent in good company... I feel a little more at ease with myself too. Because going out like we did, relaxing, photographing, chasing the perfect shot, the perfect angle, the perfect moon... reminded me of where I want to be when all of this is over... reminded me of who I really am.

Day 204/365. July 10th, 2011

Another hot Sunday, another day in the pool. I came home and found this quote-- feeling as if it really sums up the status quo of things these days. In truth, I don't have anything profound to say tonight. Unless you count, "Life is good" as profound.

I think this quote really describes my whole journey really. I used to live in this place of constant anxiety and depression... stuck between regretting my past and fearing my future. But now, my days flow by ... my baseline this almost constant sense of peace and contentment. I enjoy moments, events, hours. I'm present and active in my life and in my world.

And it feels wonderful.

Day 136/365

The truth is, I am very blessed, in a lot of ways really. But today, as it crept on towards time to leave the for the Doctor's office, I was extra grateful to know that when I got there, my mom would be waiting.

When my adopted mom died in 2004, she left me with the gift of a name. Something she shouldn't have even known really. But a name nonetheless. And 6 months after her passing, i sent a letter to the woman who did in fact turn out to be my birth mother.

It's been almost 7 years since we "met" for the first time, and I am so grateful that I now live close enough that I not only am able to see them whenever I have time for the 20 minute drive from the City, but to be able to have her with me when I really need her. When I need a hand to hold, when I need arms to be held by, or a shoulder to cry on.

Tonight was hard. The news isn't awful. The solution (while surgical) is outpatient and fairly simple. And the Doctor is certain that our course of action should keep the problem from reoccurring. The problem is that tonight, they did finally do the physical exam that wasn't done last week. And for that... I'm glad I had someone with me.

Last week, I was prepared. I had my game face on. I'd talked about it, thought about it, processed it. I was ready for the invasiveness and necessity of that exam.

But tonight? Unexpected for some reason. And it caught me off guard when she asked me to disrobe and get on the table, covered with that stupid paper sheet. And even though everything was exactly as it should have been, it all just felt... invasive, triggering.

And I was so glad that my mom was there with me, holding my hand, reminding me to breathe (I always forget to breathe). I don't have to walk through things alone the way I thought I would when my adopted mom died. I was sure that from that point forward it was just going to be Me. But it's not. And I am so so grateful for that, for so many reasons.

Day 6/365

This was my Christmas Message on Christmas Eve. I think it's kind of self-explanatory.

Day 138/365

I actually listened to my Dr. for once. Well, the ER. And I listened to my body. Last night when we got home from the ER and the pharmacy it was probably around 2 or 3 am. They told me to take it easy, and my body emphatically agreed. I ended up spending a good portion of the night dealing with the aftermath of falling 2x on my abdomen.

This is the part where we're probably get to be a little TMI. See, the official diagnoses on Tuesday is endometrial hyperplasia. Which basically means, my uterus-- not shedding the way it should be, so there's a buildup. Cue me falling (heavily) on my abdomen twice in an ER parking lot and jostling loose a good portion of that buildup.

I spent a lot of time last night changing pads, sore and tired and frustrated. The process started while I was in the ER, with rolling, raging cramps throughout my lower abdomen as my body decided to take that time to try and catch up on some long-overdue processes.

So when I did finally go back to bed around 6 or 7am, I didn't even bother to set my alarm. I just-- slept, and then called in-- advising that I'd suffered a severe allergy and spent the night at the ER.

My body needed rest. Down time. time.

And since I listened, things have gotten better. I'm still tired, and still sore. I'm bruised and I look like I lost a fight with an angry porcupine. But I didn't need a pain pill today. The first day in 3 and a half weeks that I haven't felt like I needed one. And now all my wonky female bits seem to be doing their job a little more normally too. I've been told by my actual Doctor to be sure to let them know if anything goes amiss, but for now, I'm enjoying the relief from what was near-constant pain and discomfort in my lower abdomen. Grateful that I decided to listen to myself for once.

Day 165/365

Working in relocation, I sometimes have occasion to sympathize with stressed out relocating customers. Today I was talking to a customer about my move from Oregon to Texas. I've made this sort of Oval of moves in my life. I was born here in Texas, not too far from where I live now actually. But when I was 6 we moved to southern California and I lived there until I came BACK to Texas for my freshman year of college at UNT. From there, I went BACK to southern California for a little while, then moved to Oregon.

I stayed in Oregon a little longer, about 6 years actually. And then, after my birth mom died I decided I was going to move to New Jersey. She had family there, and it seemed like a good idea-- to get a real, honest-to-goodness fresh start. Fortunately at the time I had the luxury of making that trip any way I wanted to. So, I bought a van, loaded it up with everything I could fit (it's amazing how much stuff you accumulate in 23 years of life... and how much you can give up without regret once you know there's no more room), added the dog, and the company of one of my best friends for part of the journey, and I headed south.

I'd decided to make a U through the country. I swung down through California and stayed with my dad for a couple weeks, then moved on to Texas, planning to visit family and friends here, then move on to Florida to visit another dear friend, then up to South Carolina to see her family... then finally-- on to Jersey.

Except.. once I got here I saw how much I had here already. Friends, family, this net of support. At first, I stayed for a couple weeks to sort of... rejuvenate. Then I stayed a little longer, and a little longer... and then decided to try and get a job... just to see.

And here I am... 5 years later. Happy. In fact, despite the fact that I do miss the views in Oregon... I think this is the happiest I've been location-wise in my life. I feel comfortable here, at home. And maybe that's because deep down, it always WAS home. This is my starting point, in so many ways. My birth family is here, my roots are here, my adopted family (with the exception of my Dad actually) is here too... and this place is so beloved to me. Truly.

I went away and came back and went away and came back, and in the last five years I've been so so glad I stayed. This is where I'm mean to be, really it is. I know that with all my heart. It doesn't matter where I travel, what other places I may live someday... this will always be my home... and the most beloved place I've ever been.

Day 85/365

I had a moment tonight. An old moment. Where I just felt... washed over with old feelings, and old energies and yes... even old tears.

I've come so far from the emotional space I used to live in every day, but every now and then the waves of what used to be seem to wash over me. And tonight, out of nowhere I just felt... so sad. So lonely. So despondent.

And I know of course that even as low as that feeling is, it is temporary, passing, fleeting. When it first hits though, when that wave crashes over out of nowhere I get bogged down and hear those same old thoughts. The ones that do nothing but bring me down. The ones that led me to places where I was self-destructive, hating my life, hating myself, not wanting to wake to another day.

I won't go back to that space. And I think that's really what tonight's message is about. A reminder. A notice that I'm alive, and that's a good thing, a great thing, a happy thing. That I'm alive and that the only person who keeps me from fully living, the only person who keeps me from being truly happy and loved and accepted-- is me. It's my head that holds me back.

I need to stop pushing myself down. And that includes letting these moments get the best of me. When they come around I'm taking a new approach. I'm actually... feeling them. Allowing myself the space for some tears, some sadness. There's a lot in my life that I've never allowed myself to mourn through, to work through emotionally in the moment. So now, I will. And when those waves wash over me, I'll swim through them, and let them pass by. And maybe if I do that enough... well, maybe those waves will stop rolling through altogether. Maybe eventually my waters will be calm.

Day 90/365

Today marks the end of the first 3 months of Dear Me. WIth everything I've been processing and working through, I felt like this message really summed up my last three months of work.

The truth is most of what I work on on a daily basis is all the times I've been brought down-- either by experiences, or other people, or even myself. And although I've spoken to this particular theme before, I think it bears repeating that no matter what I've encountered in my life, I've managed to come back ... better than I was before.

In the last 3 months I've come so incredibly far, conquered so much, and with every occasional step backwards, I've gotten back up, worked my way forwards.

I'm on my way to something really wonderful, something I never really thought I'd have. A remarkable life. A remarkable life of my own creation.

And so, I get back up. I stand back up. I work each day to reclaim a life that was stolen from me years ago. I can't wait to see what that life looks like when I'm done.

Day 120/365

In case you can't see it well enough, the quote reads,

"The Individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by teh tribe.

If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes Frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the priviledge [sic] of owning yourself."

I didn't realize until now that privilege is misspelled. Oh well. 120 days and my first spelling error-- i can live with that.

The part of this quote that really spoke to me was the last bit, "No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."

Sometimes, in my day to day life I feel like I belong to my job. Especially with the summer approaching and knowing that my free time is about to get so so limited-- it's hard to feel like I still have ownership of my own life. Even down to my name, if you can believe that.

When I started at my current job, there was already a Sarah on staff in my department. Because we're not a large department, it would have been to confusing (understandably) for me to go by my first name. They asked if I had a nickname, or a middle name I could use. And for some reason, instead of reaching for my long-used nickname, Daisy, I decided to go by Cate (since it is the second-half of all my photography marketing). A little over a year later, and I'm surprised to no end at how much being called Cate for 40-50 hours a week jars me.

I had dinner with friends the other night and almost felt this... out-of-body moment when my friends called me Sarah. I realized just how much of my life I spend being... not me. And it's more than just being dissatisfied being stuck in an office all week and on the occasional Saturday. I fee like, as open as I can be at work, I still can't be 100% me. And I know that's the way it is everywhere... there's a certain amount of assimilation that you have to endure to work in an office environment.

But it would be nice at least, to be able to use my own name. The Sarah who was there when I started didn't last much past the summer. And we have a new girl now... Sarah... who didn't have to change her name. Because when she started-- there was no Sarah there-- only a Cate.

Someday it won't matter. Someday I'll be out of an office and the only name I'll answer to is Mine. I'll once again have ownership of my life, of my hours, of my days... of my name. Because nothing is worth more than having ownership of your own life.

Day 140/365

The quote that inspired this is actually the opposite of what I wrote. The quote actually reads, "You don't have to feel safe to feel unafraid." But for my purposes I felt a lot more resonance with it in the opposite order.

I'm still feeling a little... leary, I guess. You know, going to the ER the way I did, really scared me. And it's something that has really left an impression on me. Maybe it's partly because they never did bother to find out WHAT I had the reaction to. So on my desk sit a full bottle of cough syrup, a bottle of antibiotics lacking only one pill, and several bottles of (admittedly now unneeded) pain pills.

I've been afraid even to pop a cough drop, not knowing if maybe that's what put things over the edge.

But when I saw this quote today I realized that even though I am still frightened, of my body, of my mystery allergy, of everything that came with that late-night trip to the hospital... I know that I am safe.

Because I don't live alone. Because there are people in my life that would miss me if I dropped off the planet somehow, because i know someone Greater looks out for me besides.

I'm trying hard to focus on that safety more, and on my fear less.

I'm not 100% there yet, but it gets better every day.

Day 98/365

I spent most of the day out with friends. We went to Jacks' Backyard, a local LGBT friendly hangout in Dallas and celebrated my best friend's birthday. It's a place Super-Therapist has been trying to convince me to go and just... hang out for awhile. A safe place to maybe meet some new people, expand my circle. I've not been brave enough to do that yet- in fact, despite having lived in Dallas for almost 5 years, yesterday was the first time I'd ever been to Jack's.

It was nice, good place, great food, nice laid-back atmosphere. I don't know that I'll be just... heading there to hang out solo, but I'd go again with friends. The thing that really struck me yesterday was really a matter of confidence.

For her birthday, I gave my friend two canvas prints of photos I'd taken. And after she opened them, they sat on the table before us as we continued our conversations. A small group of girls stopped by us on their way out and asked about the prints. And while my friends were quick to say, "She took them!" I zoned in on their questions about the canvas as one of the girls mentioned she was a photographer too, so I gave her the name of the site and volunteered that we had several prints from them and the quality was excellent.

After they left I turned back to rather incredulous looks from my friends. Apparently I'd missed the point. It was pointed out (kindly I must say) that one girl offering that she was also a photographer would have been a perfect opportunity to ask about her, what kind of photography she did, etc. Cue the face-palm moment of the day.

Truth is, she could really have just been curious about the print. But I suppose it's just as likely she was interested in the person that took the photos in the first place. Confidence is still a work in progress for me. Part of it is that yes, I am behind so many of my peers in terms of being a social person... I lack so many of the most basic social experiences because of the way I lived and survived my anxiety issues. And I'm learning, pushing my boundaries, forcing my limits. I need to find that well of confidence. Or at least, learn to fake it until I figure it out for real.

Like so many things right now, I suppose I have to say yet again, I'm working on it.

Day 176/365

I mentioned a few days ago that I still have moments. Seconds or minutes, or dreams where I can remember the kind of headspace that once defined my daily life. Last night was one of those nights. I woke up angry today. Just... Angry. And there seemed to be no rhyme or reason for it... I was just enraged from the moment I woke up.

I realized as I went through my day, trying to cheer myself up that there was a reason I woke up angry. Although rare these days, there are nights when I still dream about those days, so long ago. Those days when he did what he did. I dream about him, or about what he did, or about how I felt. And after those dreams, I wake up angry, or hurt, or scared, or hurting.

It used to be that I would just... shove those moments aside, try to pretend it hadn't happened, that the dreams hadn't happened, that none of it had happened. And I think all that's done is made it harder to move past. All the avoidance has done is made it harder to conquer.

I saw this quote today as I was looking for inspiration and it was so perfect-- except that I don't necessarily agree completely. Because honestly, I think-- no, I KNOW, that someday i WILL get over it. But to do that, I do have to let myself feel. So today, I let myself soak in my anger a little bit. I yelled, I stamped, I had a little tantrum. I cursed him, cursed those days, cursed those summers, those moments, his hands.

I let the anger sweep me away for a little bit. And when I was done, I was done. I felt better. I felt stronger. I think there will be more moments like that. But instead of running from them, I'm going to just... feel them out. And someday they'll stop. Someday I'll wake up and realize that I've finally lost him. Truly and forever. I will get over it.

Day 182/365 ... June 18th, 2011

Today, I took my little brother to see Spamalot. It's funny how we grew up so differently but ended up with the same stupid sense of humor. Must be in the genes. The tickets were my gift to him for his 18th birthday. No one else in the family is particularly fond of Monty Python, so it was a rare chance for us to have some sibling bonding time. We had a great time, and I was so excited to see how much he enjoyed the show. When you get right down to it, he is an 18 year old boy, and it was a musical. A musical with fart jokes, but nonetheless...

When I got home I got to spend some time with Kris (my godmother... who is also my housemate). We haven't really had much time to spend together lately, and it was nice to have dinner, and then catch a silly movie. The whole day really just reminded me to take time for myself and enjoy the little things.

I couldn't find anything in my embellishment bin that spoke to me today, but happened to see a stack of my own business cards on the desk and realized that as a cutout, this beautiful lily made a perfect bite-sized slice of heaven. A little piece of the bright side of life.

As an aside, I think this is the first time I've used my non-project photography... to accent my project photography. Heh. It's kind of a photographic inception.

Day 95/365

Last night I decided my sleep and sanity were more important than trying to find inspiration for one day. I was too tired to think! But today, I realized while talking to a coworker that amazing things WILL happen, that amazing things are happening.

It's been a long time since I woke, consistently, encouraged and hopeful not just about my future but about my day to day life. But right now, I'm having that more and more.

I've worked hard these last 3 months, and even in the months before, to really focus on myself. To really sort through everything that has held me back. And waking in the morning with a smile on my face is just one small piece of proof to the work I've been doing.

I'm back to what I would consider a "normal" baseline, emotionally. And I work daily to continue making progress, to let go of the things I need to let go of, and to seek out the things and people that I want to hold onto.

A coworker told me today, "You are way too talented to be working here." And instead of being demure, or trying to negate the compliment, I thanked her and said, "I know."

I've spent years trying to find something that I wasn't just good at, but that I was passionately good at. Something that was worth the work and effort to excel at.

Photography has given me that. And this project proves it to me every single day.

Because this is more than just something for me now. This is also an act of kindness to others, who may struggle the way I struggled. Who may hurt the way I hurt. Who may feel like there is no way out of whatever hole they feel they've fallen into.

This is both my hard work, and my act of kindness (one of them at least), and I know that amazing things will happen. Because Amazing things are already happening.

And how marvelous is that?!

Day 187/365 June 23rd, 2011

The way I figure it, I was 9 when I crashed down. And it may have been the year he stopped abusing me, but at the same time... it was the year that the abuse really took the heaviest toll on me for some reason. I was never the same after that year. That's when I started carrying the full weight of shame and fear and anxiety and ... worthlessness that stayed with me for the next 20 years.

I don't know about it taking 10 times as long. But it took all of 3 years (at most) for me to be destroyed, and 20 to finally pull it all together again. Except I don't know that that's true either. Because really... it's only in the last year-- the last 7 months actually, that I've truly built myself back up. I feel sometimes like I rebuilt my heart as I rewrote some of the tapes that ran in my head. Created a new home within myself so I could start over. The point isn't about how long it took. The point is that I gave up on myself a long time ago. The point is that I had already decided I wasn't worth it-- that there wasn't anything worth fixing in the first place.

And now, here I stand. Not perfect, not done, not 100% by any means... but rebuilt nonetheless. Stronger. Smarter. Without shame. Without Guilt. WIthout the burdens of the things that tore me down to begin with.

In therapy tonight we talked about how striking the difference is in me these days. And we talked about Mr. Deep Freeze (I have a few photos left of my abuser... snapshots from years and years ago... and they are currently sitting in an envelope in the freezer of SuperTherapists's small drink fridge in her office). We talked about Mr. Deep Freeze and how I have actually finally once and for all: released him. I don't carry him with me any more. I woke up one morning and he was gone. No longer a weight around my heart, no longer a memory in my body, just... gone.

I'm free of him now.

Next month, when we meet again-- SuperTherapist and I will be burning those photos. Symbolic more than anything. Although I once thought I would have to destroy them to be free-- I know better now. I already AM free. I am together, in myself. Finally.

I know there are going to be challenges. Physical intimacy is not going to be an easy hurdle, I know that. There is a whole slew of body memory that has to be re-written someday. But it will be. Because he has no hold over me anymore. He is the reason I fell apart... but I built myself back up without him. He is no longer a piece of who I am. And never will be again.

I did it.

U.S. Marines with Marine Wing Support Squadron 373 ensure that AH-1W Cobra helicopter are dearmed before being refueled by U.S. Marine KC-130 Hercules Prospective Weapons and Tactics Instructor (PWTI) aircrew during a rapid ground refueling operation at Auxilary Airfield Six, near Gila Bend, Ariz., Oct. 22, 2011. The KC-130 PWTIs were in support of Weapons and Tactics Instructor Course 1-12, hosted by MAWTS-1. (U.S. Marine Corps photo by Cpl. Benjamin R. Reynolds/Released)

Day 86/365

A little bit of carryover from yesterday, not because today was emotionally difficult-- it wasn't really. But I woke up not feeling well after feeling slightly punk most of the weekend. Stomach troubles originally had me calling in to work sick, but once my stomach calmed down a bit, and I got a bit of flack for calling in, I made my way to the office deciding late was better than not at all.

I worked through lunch (since I wasn't planning to eat anything anyway), and stayed just a little late. I plowed through as much work as I could do, and as my stomach occasionally rolled and reminded me it was there and not happy, I just kept reminding myself to make it through the day.

I got home, managed to eat dinner and keep it down, and was-- ultimately-- glad I'd gone into the office. Although I did get a little behind, my remaining workload isn't too bad and I did manage to get a lot done that I couldn't have accomplished even if I'd worked from home.

Sometimes I just need a reminder to keep on going. Sometimes that's all it takes. And it's not just about work-- it's about life really. About knowing that no matter what comes your way you just have to swim through it. Just keep going. Despite the times in my life when I've wanted to just give up-- I haven't. I've kept on moving forward, kept on waking up in the morning, kept on holding on. And in truth, my life is so much better now than it once was. I'm so much more connected, so much more stable, so much more secure. Swimming got me to this point. So I'll continue to swim.

And someday, I won't just be better... I'll be exactly where I want to be.

Day 139/365

Back to work today. And I survived. I'm black and blue and purple, covered with pinpricks from the 3 or 4 nurses who tried to find veins. I got a rousing welcome back, lots of concern, and an undercurrent of tension... knowing I have work to do to stay caught up as we prepare for busy season.

And for the second day in a row, I didn't need a pain pill. What I did have to contend with was remembering how it felt to be helpless, out of control.

I've been pretty healthy most of my life, and have been blessed with a high tolerance for physical pain. The last few weeks have been a bit of a test for me. And I don't know what the point of it all is. Maybe there isn't one. Or maybe the point is that I need to actually place some value on my body and my health for once in my life.

But someday, everything I've been going through will mean something. Someday it will be useful. I believe that. I have to.

Day 83/365

Today, aside from feeling a little off-kilter, was not too bad. I got completely caught up at work, had (mostly) pleasant customers, and ran into no major issues.

The fever I started my day with seemed to dissipate with some consistently administered tylenol, and as the end of the work day approached I felt more and more grateful for the coming weekend-- free of plans, free of obligations, free of work.

I'm not sure what I'll do with the weekend yet, perhaps visit my family, maybe work on purging a few more unnecessary things, perhaps some cleaning.

But regardless, as I left the office and headed home, exhausted, and still feeling a little off... I watched the pinking sunset as I made my way homeward. And although I didn't have the energy to head to the lake to take photos, I was still bolstered by how beautiful the evening was turning around me. When I came home and saw this quote cross my computer during my surfings... it seemed so perfect.

No matter what happens in the course of a day, no matter what frustrations you face, no matter what ugliness may come your way... if look around you-- there's a beautiful sunset, a blooming flower, a landing ladybug... or 997 other remarkable and beautiful things to love.

Day 113/365

I was thinking today, as I sat with my family just... enjoying their company-- how blessed my life is. How blessed I am to even BE alive in the first place.

I spent a lot of years mired in depression and anxiety. It's affected my schooling, my ability to find a job (at least when I first started working), and there was more than one occasion when i convinced myself that it wasn't worth fighting. There are two specific instances when I was saved at exactly the right moment from ending everything.

Both times, I'd hidden behind locked doors, convinced I was alone and "safe" from interference. Both times, the doors opened as though they weren't... and I was saved from destruction by people I called friends. People today I would probably consider angels.

I am honestly and truly, lucky to be alive. Blessed. God (or whatever power you happen to believe it) allowed people who loved me to bypass locked doors and save me at the instant of my endings. And admittedly, at the time (both times) I was more frustrated than thankful... now, more than 10 years from my last suicide attempt, I see things a little differently. Very differently.

My life is turning into, HAS turned into something really extraordinary. And if I'd succeeded (so to speak) I would have missed out on some really remarkable milestones...

Meeting my birth family for one. Freeing myself from my past for another. An amazing relationship with my father for a third. Jobs, and friends, and passions, and yes... talents that I hadn't even begun to discover when I last sat contemplating ending my world.

My life is a wonderful blessing. And I am grateful for it every day. Because even when I feel terrible, when I'm depressed and anxious and having an awful moment... I am still hyper-conscious of how blessed I am to be alive to experience even the unpleasant parts of my life.

Day 89/365

Tonight I realized something important. Vital. I realized that the reason I can't move past my body issues, the reason I can't seem to ever fully conquer my social anxiety, the reason I can't ever seem to convince myself that I deserve to be LOVED... is because I still live in fear of him.

I spent years of my life padding myself with food and fat, making myself invisible, making myself undesirable. And I did that, deep down, because I wanted to make myself undesirable to HIM.

But it's more than that. When i started thinking about it, really thinking about it I realized it roots to my anxiety too. By all accounts before he did what he did, I was vivacious, gregarious, outgoing. I was constantly seeking out new people to befriend, handing out hugs and hellos without a care in the world.

But for as long as *I* can remember... I've been painfully shy, horrifyingly anxious of new people, new experiences. Which makes sense when you take into account that I don't really remember much at all before him.

And the more I thought about it, the clearer it became. If I really want to finish what I've started, if I really want to learn to love myself, if I really want to make the important, healthy choices that will turn my life around completely-- I have to stop being afraid. I have to stop being afraid of HIM.

And I have to let him go.

I need to forgive him. Because unless I do, he will always be the one with the power over me... over my life.

Forgiving him doesn't change what he did. It doesn't excuse it. What it does is set ME free. It breaks the bond that holds me to him, that holds me to my fear and my pain.

It means that my body will once again belong to ME and not to my memories.

I don't expect to feel this overwhelming shift overnight. But if I have to say it 100 times a day I will.

I forgive him.

If I have to say it every day for 100 days I will.

I forgive him.

I forgive him, so that I can finally be free.

Day 202/365. July 8th, 2011

Ugh. Today was another long day. I stayed really late at work to help another coworker who was stuck with more orders than were really humanly possible for one person to do. It was another frustrating day, busy, hectic... especially for a friday. That's the way it goes after a holiday though, i should have expected it.

Still, when I got home tonight, I poured myself a shot of Patron, I kicked my feet up, I relaxed and focused on leaving work behind me. Because we got caught up, we get Saturday off again which is many kinds of lovely, and as the stress of the day melted away I was struck by how differently I approach my troubles these days. I loved this quote-- because I feel like it sort of encompasses my new views on life... the universe, and... well, everything.

I am too large for worry (most of the time at least), I don't find myself getting genuinely angry the way I used to, and I am definitely too happy to allow trouble to waylay me anymore. It's not perfect, life never will be. But for the first time ever I feel like... in general-- I rise above these days. I get frustrated yes, I get angry yes, and sometimes... I do get troubled. But those things don't weigh me down anymore, I don't get bogged down in them.

I'm bigger now than the things that used to keep me down. I don't trouble trouble, so trouble don't trouble me.

Day 87/365

I don't have a lot to say today. I'm still tired, but feeling better. Still puzzling over body issues, still learning to be open, and let people in.

I saw this quote in 3 different places tonight and decided to take that as a sign. I can relate to this a lot, with my history, with the abuse, with the way I lived my life afterwards-- I only allowed in the amount of love that I felt like I deserved-- which for years... was very little. It's not just about accepting the love that's around us, it's about SEEING love around us.

I spent so many years filtering every experience through the filter that I was undeserving that I probably missed a lot of opportunities to accept love in my life in many forms. Friendships, romances, even family at times. I've made so much progress with this, with the idea of deserving love, deserving happiness. But I'll admit I do still have a ways to go.

So I'll remember this. Remember that the love I receive is really only limited by what I believe I deserve. There is no shortage of people in my life to love me. No shortage of people who see my value-- sometimes better than I see it myself. Frequently.

I'm working on it. Working on believing that I deserve more. Because when I do, more is what I'll get. More acceptance, more companionship, more love.

Day 203/365. July 9th, 2011.

So apparently I should not be allowed on amazon after bedtime. In my half-asleep quest to preshop waterproof cameras, I made use of my "buy with one-click" feature and BOUGHT a waterproof camera. It showed up this morning on the front porch. Fortunately it ended up being the 1 out of the 5 I looked at that was in my budget... otherwise it would have gone RIGHT back to amazon.

But the plus (aside from just the joy of having another camera) is that I can actually use it underwater. So today, at the pool with friends I experimented, I snapped and clicked and flashed my way into sheer creative joy.

And now When I'm in the pool, or at the lake and I see something that sparks my imagination, something that grabs at my creativity, I can actually capture it. With as much time as I spend in and on the water over the summers, it's a great thing for me to have.

Today, I had the chance to re-spark my photographic creativity. It's not my canon... it will never replace my actual camera. But it will go the places that my canon can't. Between the two of them, I can photograph anything and everything I want.

The world is my canvas!

Day 125/365

Today was hard. I spent a good portion of my day dealing with the cramps that have affected me all week... but in overdrive. And the truth is, there was no song in my heart today. Just frustration, and pain, and the wish that Wednesday was here, and that I was at the Dr. finding out what can be done to deal with whatever's up with my body.

But, at the end of the day I focused myself on the weekend, on finding some joy, some project to cheer me, finding a song to lift me. I bought ingredients for a no-bake easter treat, and let the prospect of the project cheer me.

This particular message though.. has a deeper meaning too. See, once upon a time music was a huge part of my life-- my whole life really. I started out as a musician, a pianist, a singer, an finally-- an organist.

For years I planned my life intending to study music, to be a church musician in fact. I said in therapy once that my mom ruined music for me, and to a certain extent she did. She loved to brag about her daughter the organist-- an aspiration and talent that was, and I imagine still is-- rather rare. In fact, when I first went off to college, it was on a music scholarship.

Eventually I blew that, my disenchantment with my "chosen" career being one of the things that led to my second genuine suicide attempt. I was overwhelmed at that time of my life I gave all my energy to making everyone happy but myself, my mom foremost among them. It's been 11, almost 12 years since I last had music as a part of my daily life and I do miss it.

Not playing the organ-- I don't know that I'd ever be able to bring myself to let that part of myself be free again... there's still so much unhappiness tied to that part of my life. But singing-- I do miss singing. I miss choirs, and solos, and that sense of wonder and awe that comes from performing beautifully written sacred music.

And maybe, if the church I go to on Sunday works out for me, maybe they'll have a choir. Maybe it will be time to share that gift again-- not just with other people... but with myself. Maybe it's time to encourage the songs that have so long been dormant in my own heart.

Day 133/365

Today was kind of... hit and miss. The pain pills are like that it seems. I worked this morning as we came together as a team to try and meet our booking goals for April, then I ran errands, picked up prints, made a card, wrapped a gift, and went to a party. I tried to ignore the pain and enjoy myself, and did for the most part. I've been spending more and more time with friends when I can, learning to lean on people who love me and let them share my journey... the joys and the pains.

I consider that part of following my bliss-- which is a change from what I would have said a few years ago. I'm incredibly blessed to have friends who love me, and have been incredibly patient with my anxiety issues, and my previous instincts to be a recluse. My local friends actually started out as internet friends-- incredible women I met on a forum shortly after my adopted mom died. Luckily for me, there's a little clutch of them located here in North Texas and when I moved I walked into this... built in support system.

It's taken me a long time to get comfortable enough to really open up to them in person though-- a hazard of a life of anxiety. But in the last few years, and more especially in the last few weeks, I've really started to open myself to some of them, and have been incredibly rewarded with having doors opened to me in return. I've gotten so much closer to so many of them, am learning so much about them which has been such a blessing to me in many ways.

With one friend, sharing what I've been dealing with gave me the peace of one theory to explain my physical issues... a theory that may end up actually be correct. With another, I've gotten extra encouragement about my art. Following the path to my friends led me back to church, brought me out of my shell a little more, and gave me a net of support that I never really saw clearly before.

In a way, I've found people that create almost... a 2nd home for me, for my heart. And I'm so glad of that. To open a door I'd been afraid to before, and find something so wonderful. To my friends, who have been with me, waiting for me to open all those doors-- Thank you.

Day 156/365

This little crystal embellished sticker made me think of... jumping into a whirlpool for some reason. Last week things did start to ramp up a little at work, and I knew, this being the week before a holiday that it was only going to get crazier. And for some reason last night I got really really anxious about work today. I had nightmares about customers and late cars, and for the first time all year I really felt the kind of intense anxiety I had last summer.

I started thinking in old ways... thinking I can't do this, I can't make it through another summer, I can't handle the workload, the stress, the hours. I woke up terrified this morning, barely able to breathe. And I took a few minutes before I got out of bed, took some deep, carefully counted breaths, and reminded myself of the ... resolutions (if you will) that I made before the summer started. That I wasn't going to let work destroy me. That I wasn't going to let work run my summer, or my life. That I was going to only work as long as necessary... that I would end the day at a reasonable hour and accept that I just can't finish EVERYTHING each day. That I was going to limit the number of Saturdays I spent in the office.

And I realized that I was basing my fear on something that happened BEFORE, in a completely different atmosphere. Granted, it was the same job-- but so much has changed since last summer. The way we handle orders, handle accounts, what we handle, WHO we handle. All of it is different. On top of that, there are more of us there to work the orders.

This is not the same setup as last year. I was still anxious when I went to work but I went anyway. I plugged through, I reminded myself of all of that as the day progressed and even though it WAS busy, and I was a little swamped... I made it. I stuck with it. And I decided awhile ago that I would stick with this job in general. I wondered, as summer started to creep back into our consciousness-- if I should. Or if I should look for something that required less... stress. That required less availability. But the thing is, as much as I'm not a huge fan of the job itself-- I love the people I work with, the people I work for. And now that we've switched everything around, I like my accounts too, my clients, their customers.

It's not perfect, what job is? But for now, this is the right place for me to be. And just because it scares me sometimes... doesn't mean it's any less right. So day after day I jump. Afraid, anxious, stressed-- I jumped. Because I know that it's worth it.

Sometimes I forget, that you can be afraid and functional. For so many years the two concepts were almost mutually exclusive for me. But they're not anymore. I do plenty of things I'm afraid of these days. Heck, I wore a dress in public this weekend. I'm JUMPING all over the damn place!

Day 111/365

Throughout my years, I've spent a lot of time wishing to be different. Wishing to be thinner, smarter, more patient, more generous, happier, slower to anger, quicker to forgive, prettier, more outgoing... the list of "I wish I wases" could go on for miles.

But the truth is, Dr. Seuss said it best:

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."

One of the things I'm learning, day by day, photo by photo even... is that I am a remarkable person. Unique, creative, empathetic, and I have a way of seeing the world around me that a lot of people don't.

I brought one of my canvas prints into work today to show my coworker... and as people ooh'd and aaah'd over the shot, it reminded me once again that I am, at my core, a good photographer above all else. I see things other people don't notice, I capture pieces of life and nature that people pass by without even seeing. How wonderful is that? What a blessing to be Me, with my eyes, and my vision, and my passion too.

Today I am me. And there is no one alive who is me-er than me. Why should I wish for something different than who I am?

I can't say I'm 100% there yet... but I am getting close, closer and closer to being good... just the way I am. And even if there are parts of me that I still have trouble accepting... and yes, even loving... I can accept and love that I am a unique and marvelous human being... and that there is no one in the world who is quite like me.

Day 82/365

Today I got a really nice compliment from a dancer I've photographed at several shows. She's an amazing performer and has been photographed by some really talented artists. So to have her to say I have a great eye, and that she's been honored to be one of my subjects meant a lot to me.

I know I have talent as a photographer. I know that as an artist, I have something unique, and in time (I hope) sellable. But sometimes, it's nice to hear it from someone who isn't required to encourage me by laws of family or friendship.

Sometimes, I get frustrated with how little I know, with learning by trial and error, with not being as skilled as some that I would otherwise consider my peers. Add to that the fact that I'm my own worst and most vicious critic and sometimes, I forget that it's ok not to know everything. Not to have mastered everything. The thing is, no matter what you do, no matter what field you're in, no matter what passions you pursue, no one was an expert from the start. You don't pick up a brush and start out as Rembrandt.

For someone who is 95% self-taught, I think I'm doing pretty damn well to be quite honest. I have a lot to learn. Granted. But I have a unique vision of the world that surrounds me. I have the potential to someday LIVE off of something that makes me deeply and sublimely happy. Something creative, something interesting, something I excel at even without formal training.

So today, I offer thanks... to those that encourage me, to those that support me, to those that constantly remind me that I AM good at what I'm doing. And to those that let me shoot from the cheap seats, practicing, honing, learning... creating art from their art.

I'm an amateur now, but I won't be forever.