Day 29/365

Today I'm going to see my favorite singer/songwriter at a house concert. Usually when she performs locally it's either at a house belonging to my own friends, or at a venue where a group of us get together and meet up to enjoy. Today is a little different. Most of our group either isn't going, or hasn't responded yet... and it's at a stranger's home, which means there will be a lot of people I don't know there as well.

As I sat last night planning out my day, I almost changed my mind about going tonight. I know I should believe I'm as valuable, as beautiful, as interesting a person as my loved ones tell me I am, but in truth there is a piece of me inside that still doubts their claims. I've been overweight for most of my life, I'm not the one anyone would really call the "pretty girl" by traditional standards, and in terms of social experience... I'm pretty far behind my peers. That's what happens when you put yourself in a prison for 20 years, thinking you're a bad person. You tend to miss out on the standard social milestones.

I've gotten better in the least couple of years especially. I can carry on a conversation, I can meet the gaze of someone I'm speaking with. I can debate and argue, and even have and stand for my own opinions. But a part of me still feels very insecure physically. And while I recognize I am not ugly, I still struggle with the notion that I am beautiful. I'm working on the physical part-- both emotionally and nutritionally. Although I slipped this week and went back to my old ways of eating, I can and will be back on track again. And in the meantime... i know I need to learn to accept and value my body as it IS before I can really make any lasting changes.

And that's my challenge, learning to love who IS so I can create who WILL be.

Day 27/365

I suppose this is partly a continuation of yesterday's message, and it's something else I'm still working on. I think I would say that I don't necessarily "regret" anything in my past, I made my decisions based on my experiences. Regretting those choices is a waste of time and energy.

Would I go back and change specific instances given the chance? Of course. Let's be honest, if I could go back, I'd probably cut off his hands before he had a chance to lay them anywhere near me. That alone would have changed everything that happened for the next 20 years.

But here's the thing, as I've alluded to before... if he had never touched me... who would I be now? There is a part of me... perhaps my inner 7 year old... who thinks that maybe things would have been better, that maybe I would have been better, happier, calmer, more satisfied with my life. But on the other hand, would I be as strong, as passionate, as empathetic, as driven?

And so I continue working on letting go. On putting my past... and my regrets behind me. I will be grateful for the person i'm becoming, for the passion in my heart, for the strength in my soul. And I will recognize and appreciate that perhaps I have these blessings, because of all I've survived... and I will learn not to regret the path that brought me here.

Day 65/365 (300 days to go!)

I made a concentrated effort to actually DO this today. My goal when I went to sleep last night was to do this. To finish the day and leave it behind me. And you know, I think I actually accomplished it. It was a stressful day. Lots of pop-up emergencies, some issues leftover from our system failure, and a mixup at the worst possible point in the day.

But once I was done, I gathered my things, I turned off my phone, I walked calmly away from my desk and unburdened all my work brain stuff as I headed for the door. And outside, I just... stood for a moment. I closed my eyes, I breathed in deep, purposeful breaths. I clenched and then relaxed my hands. I turned my face to the sunset and opened my eyes. I took a few photos of the clouds blazing from the sunsets pinks and oranges.

And even though I didn't actually get anything in the way of usable photos from it... it was the perfect distraction. And when I tucked my camera back in my bag, I walked slowly to my car, turning and looking again at the sunset and took another deep breath, and I felt the last frustrations of the day fall away. I was still tired, still worn down-- but I left the stress of it, the frustration, the mad crazy crush of it... behind me.

And now, as I finish this I prepare myself to sleep. I turn off the overhead light. I turn off my ott-lite spot, I turn down the volume on the tv. I pause to put on comfy pants and de-bra myself. I focus on calming my breath, on slowing my mind, on the idea of sleep and rest and restoration.

Maybe tonight, I'll sleep enough. I'll wake up rested. I'll feel restored. Maybe tomorrow I'll stay calmer during the day. I'll start tomorrow as I started today: serenely and making an effort to be unencumbered by my old nonsense. And maybe I'll be able to make that feeling last throughout the day. Because that's what it really is-- all these insecurities, all these fears, all these anxieties... nonsense.

It's time for me to separate myself from that nonsense. The thing I need to realize once and for all is that just because my job requires that I be "available" 24-7, doesn't mean that have to actually carry it with me 24-7. I need to keep leaving it behind me at the end of each day, to free myself of the burden of it all when the day is over. So tomorrow, once again, I will "start the day serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered by my old nonsense."

Day 104/365

Tonight's ephemera is actually a portion of a burlesque event flyer. But i saw this Kurt Vonnegut (of all people) quote about bodies and as I flipped through the various bits of bobs that I keep for this project this flyer flew out at me from a shelf.

It's no secret that I have some body issues to deal with still. A lot of body issues to deal with still. But I loved this quote, particularly for the last line. "It's the greatest instrument you'll ever own." Especially in light of this project, the idea that my body is an instrument really speaks to me. But more than that... one of the things i love about being an (admittedly amateur) photographer in the Burlesque community, is how confident the dancers are. And not just the dancers that are tall and thin and lithe. But the ones that are my size, my shape. The ones that have chub and folds and stretch marks. The ones that actually have body to SHAKE when they shake it!

And I think they're beautiful. I've never once looked at one of those girls and thought about them any of the things I think about myself when I look in the mirror. I look at them and I wonder what it would take to be as comfortable with myself as they are. I look at them and am amazed at how hard it is for me to love myself, my body the way it is... when they are so clearly so dearly in love with their own shapes and forms.

The path to truly loving my body has been a slow one... and admittedly, a resistant one as well. Between my own negative perceptions, and my history of self-injury-- I've not done my body much service in the way of honor or love. I realized recently, that part of this is the still-lingering feeling that I need to protect myself. Remnants of abuse in childhood. But I'm working on letting go of that. (I'm still doing my forgiveness exercises every morning). And I have hope that someday my body and I will work together. That we will come together. That we will even love together.

For now, I am grateful-- for hands that hold a camera, for ink on fingers late at night, for feet that carry me to events, for a head that thinks and eyes that see, and a mouth that speaks (when it's not coughing).

And someday maybe I'll be able to turn gratitude into love. For now, I watch at events, I photograph beautiful women and wonder... when will I feel the way they feel? When will I love what I see in the mirror the way they do?

I don't know when. But someday... I will.

Day 49/365

I had a great day today. I slept in, packed up my Aeropack, layered on a few sweaters, pulled on my boots, and went hiking through town. And it felt amazing. For one thing, the walk itself was such a body-positive experience for me. I covered quite a bit of ground, and if I hadn't been so eager to get back and edit photos, I could feasibly have gone farther. I wasn't too sore, I didn't lose my breath too badly, and even now-- my body isn't feeling the kind of after-pain that i expected. I may have to add a weekly walk to my schedule.

But it was more than that actually. Walking down the street with my camera out, shooting as I walked, paying no attention to other pedestrians, not noticing the cars on the road-- focused on my goal. I made my way to the shot I was aiming for, and for once wasted absolutely NO time wondering what anyone else thought when they saw me. I felt free. I enjoyed the crisp air, paid attention to the sensation of my feet crunching through ice and melting snow. I listened to the muffled and melting city in one ear, and music from my ipod in the other. I relished the weight of my camera around my neck.

And at the end of it all... I also managed to get the photo I'd ventured to hike for in the first place. I've wanted to photograph the tracks at our nearby train crossing for ages, but there's not really any good way to get to it by driving. So, since the roads were still a bit sketchy, I used the inspiration to walk to my target.

And it got me thinking really, about just that: inspiration. I saw this quote a few days ago and realized that it really applies so much to my life. I am an incredibly blessed person to have a myriad of people in my life who are supportive, loving, encouraging. People who believe in me even when I have trouble believing in myself. And today, as I strolled through town feeling more like a photographer than ever before, I was so reaffirmed. I was as sure as ever that this is exactly what I was meant to be doing. Because it feels right. It feels perfect. And so I continue plugging away. Putting in time at my day job while I find ways to set aside time to pursue this too. Because someday... THIS is all I'll have to do. Because it's what I'm meant to do.

I know this.

Day 103/365

I spent the week sick... sick with no sick days is no fun place to be. On Thursday (payday) I finally took myself to the doctor. 3 hours later, exactly what I expected: Bronchitis and a severe sinus infection.

In truth, I needed this message in giant letters on the wall of the exam room. 4 days of near-constant coughing, sinus pressure, and exhaustion ... and by the time we got to the nebulizer treatment-- all I could do was breathe (a little)... and cry.

This weekend, I cancelled plans, and made this my goal. Breathe, rest, relax, Be.

It might be a good idea to make this a more pervasive goal though, perhaps even a daily one.

Day 35/365

This is a hard time of year for me. And I always forget that until I've been sitting, inexplicably melancholy for weeks wondering what's up. January, February, March, April... the first 3rd of the year tends to be when the really "bad stuff" seems to come into my life.

When I was 12, my brother got sick in February... and died in March. When I was 22, my mom got sick in January, and died in April. When I was 28 and finally found a job I really loved, the company shut down in April. Historically, back in the days when I believed suicide was an option, it was February.. or April that I twas most drawn to it as an out.

I've moved beyond so much of that... but for the last few weeks, I've felt those clouds hovering, waiting to strike. I have no desire to end my life these days, I no longer consider that an option-- it holds no temptation for me and hasn't for some time. But I was surprised (as always) to realize that the pull of late winter's clouds still had its claws in me.

This quote seems appropriate today, at this time of year in my emotional life. A reminder that just because it has always been this way-- doesn't mean it has to always be. I am at such a marvelous point in my own consciousness.. where for the first time ever really, I control my destiny. I control, for the most part, where my story goes from here.

I choose, or at least... strive, to rewrite these months. To edit out these clouds, these sorrows, these reminders. I choose, or at least strive, to recognize that it is time to end my mourning period. That it is time to leave behind these clouds and find the rainbow that lays beyond their darkness.

And so, I pick up my pen, and my book, and I rewrite the path of these months. And maybe this year it won't be enough to change it. But next year, I'll be even stronger. I'll be even wiser. I'll be even more aware, and ready, and determined. And at some point I will hold this pen, and my past will not. Just because that's how it's always been, doesn't mean that's how it always will be.

Onybody that's ever become weel aquaint wi modren Scots sang will dootless ken the words 'Oh, dear me'. Thir words is pairt o the 'Jute Mill Sang' bi Mary Brooksbank (nee Soutar) that leeved fae 1897 until 1978. A life lang socialist an tred union wife she wis reared amang the jute mills o Dundee. She wis forby, a sangstar, vilonist an sang screivar. This waling fae her 'Jute Mill sang' can be seen on the wa o the Scots pairlament in Embra.

Photie taen bi Michael Hance.

Day 26/365

In therapy tonight I talked about some of the things I've been recalling and sorting through this week and she asked me if I'd been talking to anyone about it all. My response was no... followed by a list of excuses.

The truth is that I have trouble reaching out. In my life I have tended heavily to put others before myself emotionally-- always being the one there to listen, offer a shoulder to cry on, but rarely stretching out when my life was spinning out of control. I tried hard for many years to be as... self-contained as possible. I have gotten better. With more tangible needs, I'm able (sometimes) to reach out to someone and say, I need your help.

But emotionally, I still tend to be self-contained. It's hard for me sometimes, to reach out to those that love me best, because I always feel that there is a sense of... what might have been. What should have been. What could have been. It's hard for me to talk about the things in my history that are not as happy, because I never want anyone I love to feel they should have done differently for me.

As I talked to my therapist about this, her response was as follows, "isn't it better to deal with what IS, than to worry about what MIGHT have been?"

And the truth is in every life we have this moment-- where we look back at the decisions that we've made, or that others have made FOR us, and we see the infinite number of paths that COULD have been... if only our choices had been different. But the thing is, life offers us no guarantees. And I have to believe that the path I ended up walking was the least painful, the least traumatic of the paths available to me when things began. Perhaps the path I walked kept me from suffering something more painful. As I sat this evening, trying to figure out how to visualize my therapist's words into something... photographable I realized that it's not the path that matters really. It's not the trauma, or rewards, or joys, or sorrows that happen along the path. The cocoon is not the thing that matters in the end... what matters in the end is the butterfly.

These are the beginnings of my butterfly years. And I will not waste them wishing I'd had a different cocoon.

Day 58/365

I survived the day. Unscathed even. I've wanted to use this Louisa May Alcott quote for awhile but after making it through the day it seemed kind of appropriate actually.

See the thing is, yesterday all those old coping mechanisms came rushing forward, demanding my attention, demanding my energy. And instead of letting those old lies live in my head again-- I chose another path. I looked to the things that could soothe me without adding more damage. I looked to the things that could help me without leaving scars.

Namely-- I prayed.

In all honesty I pray a lot. I use my commute to and from work to go through a list of people that I pray for. I've done that every day for the last few years. Some commutes have been longer, and some shorter-- but I always find a way to get through that whole list at least once a day.

But once I get to work, my energy and attention goes into my job, into my desk, into my to-do list.

But today, I stepped away for a moment, I went into the restroom, locked myself in a stall and had a conversation with God about myself. About my day. About what I needed.

I let him take over the sailing of my ship, and I realized that really what I was doing was learning to sail it myself. With guidance.

And although I did get stressed out. I did snap at people now and then, I did have a moment of panic, a moment of quiet tearfulness-- I did not fall backwards. I did not step back to the abyss.

I let myself feel a presence larger than myself guide me.

I forget sometimes, how strong my faith can be when I let it flow through me. When I tap into that well I remember how deep it really runs. And for me that being, that presence is God. For some it's the earth itself, for others a goddess, for others still an unknown presence... seen but not recognized.

And regardless of what it is you personally believe... I think what I was reminded of today is how important it is TO believe... in something, in someone, in some power. Because if you're going to learn to sail your ship... there must be a breeze to move your sails.

Believe in that, even if you can find no way to believe in anything else.

Day 60/365

Things are changing at work. And the change started with Me. My plate is being cleared to make room and time for me to focus on a major account-- and only that major account. And while that does come with its own unique set of pressures and concerns... I am a relationship person, and the idea of have a singular (essentially) focus account-wise... thrills me. Because I know it's something I can do, and do well.

I still have another opportunity on the back burner as well, but right now-- I'm glad that the changes that were only recently promised have started to come to fruition.

In all honesty, that speaks volumes to me. I've been through a lot, and in the last 3 or 4 years, I've seen these steps happen in my life that have moved me closer and closer to not just what I want... but to KNOWING what I want in the first place! First it getting out of retail based work and into office jobs. Then getting into a photography studio as a receptionist and realizing just how passionate I was about my art. Then moving into the scrubs industry and realizing how much I enjoyed that work. Then moving into what turned out to be my dream job... until it shut down leaving me a bit ... adrift really.

And now here I am, at a job that I have been tempted to leave at least twice a week, where I've seen so many come and go and leave messes behind them, where I have been at once more frustrated, more challenged, and more appreciated than anywhere else I've been before. And at our department dinner tonight, I realized that maybe right now I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be. Because right as I stepped trembling to the edge of wanting to leave... things changed for the better.

So when I came home and talked about my day this quote flitted through my mind. I've cast a lot of doubt into the universe. I've cast out a lot of frustration and disappointment in the way my life was going, in where my path was headed.

But maybe it's time to accept that there is a bigger plan in place here... and whether I am intimately aware of it or not-- things are in fact unfolding exactly as they should. The full text of this quote is really beautiful, and although I know it's going to make this a bit long... I'm going to include it here anyway. Because I know that I'm not the only one who needs to hear these words.

"Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy."

--Max Ehrmann, 1927----

Day 69/365

I was considering body image today, as I'm wont to do. And I was trying to think of times when my body doesn't bother me, times when I accept it, or even... don't think about it at all.

What I realized, looking back at my relationship with my body... is that there are distinct moments in my life when my body-worries vanish completely... albeit temporarily. Job Interviews. Before an interview, I stress about what to wear, about what I can get into that will look professional enough to make the right impression. I worry about what people will assume about me because of my appearance. But when I'm IN an interview-- one-on-one, just myself and a potential employer-- I don't worry about my body.

When I'm in an interview I am confident, poised, eloquent. I am very sure of myself, I've been working for a long time, I started when I was 15 and I know what I'm good at, and good for. When I connect with a job description, when I connect with a potential employer, I can almost become a different person.

I have no doubts. I don't second guess my curves, I don't notice my stomach, I pay no attention to flabby flapping arm fat. My body becomes, for the span of that interview-- secondary at best. It becomes simply a vessel that holds my skills, my abilities, my talents. I wouldn't say that in those moments I love it, but I am not bothered by it the way I am the rest of the time.

In thinking about all of this i realized that what I need to do is try to capture that moment of confidence. I need to try and capture that 30 minutes, that hour when I am completely and utterly sure of myself. I need to carry that confidence with me always, to make my moments of doubt the exception rather than the rule. So why is it so hard for me to do that? It is so easy to walk into an interview and be transformed... why why why can't I feel that ALL the time?

It's there, somewhere. Deep inside there is a well of confidence and self-esteem that I can't seem to access on a regular basis. What is the block that keeps that separated from me?

At first, when I was trying to process some of this I said to Kris, "If only I could have the kind of confidence ALL the time that I fake having during interviews..." but that's not accurate. Because in those interviews-- it's not faked. It's not pretend. I feel that. It bubbles out of me, and I don't have to turn it on, or try to tap into it. It's there. Now all I have to do is figure out how to carry that with me every day. To have that kind of confidence all the time. I have to find a way to be in my skin, in my body, and not doubt it's value. I have to find a way to stand in my own space and know that I BELONG there.

Day 53/365

I was actually looking for quotes about frustration when I found these words from Marshall B. Rosenberg and somewhere... a bell chimed. This was the sentiment I was actually trying to find.

I've been angry lately. Frustrated. And vocal. For someone who once had a lot of trouble expressing anger-- I seem to have conquered that quite well. And mostly... my anger and frustration (I know you'll be surprised by this) have been about work.

In the past, my anger has been ruled more by the powerlessness I felt from my abuse, from neglect, from my feelings of inadequacy. But now-- my anger, my frustration are perfectly classified by those words: A Need Not Being Fulfilled."

My dream, my goal is to live off my art. And I believe I can do it. But part of making that happen means having time to practice it, to go out and photograph -- well, everything. That's what I want my life to be... me and my camera. And I'll do it, I know I will. But this job, it eats at me. It eats my time, it eats my energy, it eats my patience, my sense of peace and calm and even my confidence. And it frustrates me. Because it's a great job on paper. It pays well, I'm good at it, my clients and customers love me. But I'm so worn out by it that I haven't had the time, or the energy-- or the daylit hours to be honest-- to do what I really love.

And so as we start ramping up to our summer season, I have to revisit the idea of balance. I have to find a way to balance work with my passion. And in all honesty for me that's always the challenge, no matter what job I'm working. Granted-- this one has some extra issues to overcome, but when you get down to it, the only way to rid myself of my anger and frustration is to accept that this is not permanent. This job is just that-- a job. It can change, or go away, or end. And eventually that's the goal anyway, to stop being bound to an office someday.

This frustration is for now. Not forever. This anger is temporary. It can be solved, and resolved... and I can find a way to leave it behind me one way or another.

Day 47/365

These are my new glasses. I picked them up today and I didn't come up with this JUST because I wanted to show them off... but as I was checking myself out in the mirror I realized that I have a choice. I have a choice to see myself differently than I have in the past.

This is a process that I've already started. I've talked a lot about feeling beautiful. I will probably talk about it a lot more as the year progresses. Like being "enough," beauty is something I struggle with a lot. These glasses were actually a big step for me. I didn't pick out my own glasses until I was 20 years old. Before then, my mom always went with me and "we" picked a pair together. Which really meant she would tell me which shape she thought looked best on my face, encouraged me to get something with brown or tortoiseshell accents, and then i'd wear them miserably until the next year... when it was time to do it all over again.

I never really gave much thought to it, that's it was for a lot of my life really- mindless automaton. Then when I was in college I had the chance for the first time to pick out my own pair completely. I shied away from the rounds and ovals that had made my face look rounder my whole life, and plucked a pair of wire rounded rectangular frames. Mom cried, but I persisted. I loved them.

And this year, when I went in to choose frames, I was drawn to these. Loud, plastic, dark teal exteriors with flaming lime green inside... they practically jumped off the shelf at me. And although the salesman tried to steer me towards options that had larger sizes available (these did run a smidge small in the sample), I stuck to my guns... and it's a good thing. The anti-glare coating flattens the lenses, which stretches out the frames... which means when I picked up the final pair of glasses today, they fit PERFECTLY.

And when I put them on, and I look at myself in the mirror (ignoring my chins and occasionally invisible neck)... I actually feel cute. I'm working on accepting the chins and invisible neck, but for the moment, at the top of my head, there is a strip of myself that I don't just accept-- I love. Because with these glasses on I feel ... special, unique, completely ME... and even a little bit beautiful. Not just because of the way I look with them on, but because of how they make me feel. They remind me that I have a choice to see myself differently.

That Something as simple as plastic and glass can change the way i respond to the face I see in the mirror. And maybe today it's just a strip across the top portion of my face... but maybe tomorrow... it's all of my face... maybe next week it's my chins, and my sometimes invisible neck. Maybe next month it's my shoulders, my chest, my stomach. And maybe next year I'll be able to look in the mirror and honestly believe that the person who looks back-- is beautiful.

And I know it's not the glasses that changed that. But the glasses do remind me that I can see myself different. I can. I will.

Day 42/365

This is something we touched on at Therapy this week. Primarily because I confessed that I still have a place, way in the back of my mind, where I am waiting for things to go wrong again. That I am 99.9% convinced that things have really CHANGED this time, that I have really changed this time. I am 99.9% convinced that I will never go back to the way I was. That I am done with the days of crushing, constant anxiety. That I am done with the days of feeling like a bad person. That I am done with feeling like I'll never measure up, to myself or to anyone else.

99.9%.

But that .01%... :sigh: It tickles at me sometimes. Last night, as I was sitting here at my desk breaking down, at random moments in the week when I am feeling weak, or tired, or frustrated, or even fat. That .01% screams out-- "SEE! It's just not that freakin easy!"

And this quote, these words, this photo-- is exactly what that's about. I don't trust myself. As much as I believe in the process itself, I do not have the trust and faith and confidence in my self to recommit that .01%. And it's a theme in my life. I get so convinced that things will turn out badly that I never even try to pursue the beginnings. It's been true of my art, of my love life, of my job searches, even my friendships have fallen prey to this over the years. And in truth, I have lost much. It wasn't a concept that just... popped into my head one day, that oh I know, everything is going to turn out like crap so why bother. It was something that I saw evidence for, that I saw patterns for. And once you start seeing that circle of pain and loss and regret and disappointment-- it is truly all you see. Ever. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Instead of listening to that wiggly, niggly, ridiculous and LYING .01%... I need to tune into the 99.9% that is whispering, "This is where you're supposed to be. This is who you are meant to be. This is the beginning of all good things. The beginning of beauty and joy and hope and laughter." I need to tune into the 99.9% that is whispering quietly and confidently, "Everything is going to be ok."

And I need to trust myself. Trust that I am stronger. Trust that I am smarter. Trust that I am better equipped. Trust that I am more self-aware. Trust that I will not fall into old cycles, old circles, old patterns.

And as soon as I do that-- As soon as I TRUST myself, the rest will in fact... be easy. Or at least-- easier.

Day 157/365

I've been sort of... living parts of this quote for years. Listening to pride and reason and experience and letting the negatives of my past run my day to day life. This is exactly what I'm trying to change. What I'm trying to overcome. And I think that means I need to listen to my heart more than I have been. Because the truth is, way deep down my heart has had the right idea all long. Deep down it's always whispered that there is more to me than I admit to, more to me than I let the world see.

We hit our monthly goal today at work, 4 days ahead of schedule, and in celebration, everyone went to the bar to share a drink on the Big Boss's tabs. Normally, I don't go out on work-nights, because I just... get so exhausted by all of the social interaction. And although a lot of it is the fact that I am by nature, an introvert, a lot of it is also that despite recent successes-- there are pieces of me that still think I don't belong in the kind of social settings my coworkers frequent after work. Years of seclusion and low self-esteem have definitely done a number on me.

But lately especially, I've been working hard to combat that. Instead of listening to "it's impossible, it's risky, it's pointless," I'm trying to focus on "give it a try."

So I went out. I went to the bar. I controlled myself (hey my favorite going out motto is: 1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila... more) and stuck with one beer and one tequila shot. I participated in conversation (not as much as I probably should have but... more than I used to), I even munched on some of the food-- which is kind of huge for me since I still feel a little self-conscious eating in front of people that haven't known me forever.

It was fun, and when I started to feel awkward again, I excused myself, went home, and departed on a high note. I listened to that voice, the one that said, "Give it a try." The same voice I listened to when I bought a dress. The same voice I listened to when I started daring myself to look in the mirror again. The same voice that convinced me to start following a piece of Super-therapists advice that I hadn't yet had the courage to do. I started "loving" my body this week. Now, before I go to bed and use lotion on my arms and legs, on my belly, on my feet and hands. I don't remember to do this every night, but at least a few nights a week. And while I do it, I thank my body for the ways that it ... services me (for lack of a better word). I thank my feet and legs and knees for carrying me day after day, I thank my hands and fingers and arms and elbows for allowing me to write, and type, and take photos. I thank my stomach for being relatively iron-clad, for putting up with the ups and downs of my weight over the years.

And I think it's making a difference. I'm making a difference to myself. I'm listening to the quiet voice that's been waiting patiently all these years.

"Give it a try."

Day 183/365 ... June 19th, 2011

Today Marks the 6 month Mark of the DearMe: 365 Project...

I spent some time the other day, starting from day one, starting from before it was a 365 project, starting from when it was just… an experiment in self-forgiveness.

And I am so incredibly, ridiculously, marvelously awe-struck at the girl that began this project. Because she is so different, from the woman who will finish it. In six months I’ve done more than realize my original goal— I’ve moved into a completely different life. Not by changing my job, or my home, or my body even… but by feeding myself… day after day after day… a diet of self-love that I didn’t really feel at first.

I spent every single day listening to myself, to my head, to my heart, and also to the people around me who have been trying for years to convince me that I am worth more than I ever believed. I began writing myself these letters, these notes, these words… imprinting them on my skin and letting them soak into my consciousness, meditating on them as I set up, shot, edited and blogged about what was happening in my head and heart during the course of each day.

And at some point, I think all those words of wisdom that I so often swiped from my books of quotes, from the internet, from friends, from family… at some point it started to make a difference. And now things are different. Not just the pieces of me people can really see, but in the quiet moments when it’s just me and my head… things are Different now.

Because the only person who l ives in there now is me. NOW me. Not sad, stuck in the past me. There is no room anymore for my abuser, for my imperfect amom, for all the things I “should’ve” done or said or experienced. There is no room anymore for self-injury or self-hate.

It’s funny, I thought it would take a lot longer to get here. To this place that once upon I time… I never thought I WOULD reach… ever.

I think about all those times I wanted to give up, the times I tried so hard to surrender completely. I think of pills and razor blades and windowsills. I think of years spent in depression and anxiety and self-loathing.

And then I think about waking up in the morning and making my way to work with a whistled song, and a smile on my lips, and the knowledge that even if tomorrow is a hard day, a bad day… it will be just one day. And the next will be better.

To see hope on every horizon is something I’m still adjusting to— albeit gladly. I told my dad tonight as we talked that right now… things are just— Good. There’s no other way to describe it. And I’m so grateful. Because six months ago, I didn’t think I’d be here already… if at all.

I can’t wait to see what the next 6 months will bring for me. If I’m in this space here and now, after only 6 months… I can only imagine the wonders that await me in 6 more months. How marvelous.

I reused an old "prop" for today's photo. You may recognize this phoenix/butterfly combo (albeit in a different color scheme) from the "Survivor's are Dangerous" day. I thought it was appropriate to bring it back out. A measure of how far I've come from just...surviving to breakthrough. I started therapy almost a year ago... in the midst of a breakdown and now-- a year later, and 6 months into the most remarkable project of my life... breakthrough. Healing. Freedom.

her nose was cold

Day 38/365

Today I am still feeling very body-conscious, and not in a good way. I even had some twinges of old anxiety when we went out to dinner... just that feeling of being seen, being watched, being judged. And I know that's in my head-- which makes this even more important really. There is a part of me that wants love, wants to love and be loved. Wants the intimacy of another person in my life. But there's an important thing that needs to happen first... before I can love anyone else, before anyone else can truly love me, or at least before I can believe they do-- I have to love MYSELF. All of me. Completely.

There will always be pieces of myself that aren't what I want them to be, there will always be imperfections, places for improvement, room for change... but I need to learn to love all of those things as well. That includes all my anxieties, and yes-- my body. I've conquered so much lately, but my body is still such a sore spot for me. I'm back on track with my healthy eating for the most part, looking forward to longer days so I can start injecting a walk into my week here and there for starters, but I know that if I can't learn to love the body I have NOW, I don't know that I'll ever learn to love it-- even if it's "perfect". Because it's about more than just the size of my jeans. It's about accepting and appreciating the form that gets me around, about recognizing the value I have even when i'm overweight. About recognizing the beauty I have even when I'm "fat."

It's about not using the word Fat to describe myself anymore.

It's about realizing that I am beautiful, physically beautiful exactly the way I am. That losing the weight I want... need... to lose is not what will make me beautiful. Losing weight will make me healthy. *I* make me beautiful. My spirit makes me beautiful. Recognizing that my spirit doesn't change with the size of my body means learning to love all of it. Together.

And once I can do that, then there will be room in me to love someone else too.

It's just that sometimes... I wish I could skip a few steps and go right to the loving someone else.

Tonight, my letter is more positive than my note. I suppose that's bound to happen now and then. And it's not all bad... because I believe that someday I will get to that point. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like, but someday I will, hopefully sooner rather than later.

Day 55/365

My oh my what can I say about today. I made some decisions this week. I opened myself to an opportunity. I took a meeting. And because of that, I have the potential to make a major change in my life-- A good change.

And as soon as I made the decision to be open to that change, I discovered that some changes may be coming my way that would actually give me something I've never had as far as my career is concerned:

Choices.

And good ones, at that. And although today was not a spectacular day at work-- a coworker I dearly love exited our job, our systems were still down, and I had more than my typical share of angry and rude customers-- at the end of it all-- I am feeling more hopeful about work in general than I have in a very long time.

In truth, I had an unexpected and relatively candid conversation with my supervisor and my boss about my stress level... and was given some much-needed affirmation that I am in fact doing a good job. I received through them, some very unexpected but appreciated positive feedback from a difficult account, and at the end of it all I left feeling more encouraged about my current situation than I had any reason to expect.

And even though our systems are still down, and tomorrow is my Saturday to work-- I am not feeling the same kind of pressure that I felt even as recently as this afternoon.

I took a long time to decide on tonight's words and images. But when I saw this quote it really spoke to me. I made some difficult decisions this week, to pursue a lead that I almost allowed to pass me by. And I feel as though making that one decision has, in fact, altered so many things in my universe.

Deciding that I had the courage and determination to pursue it ... well, I almost feel as though it was a sign to the universe that I am ready for good things in my life. Ready to begin making new decisions for my life. And in concert with that confidence... the universe has responded by providing me with good things to choose from.

I don't know how these things will turn out. In truth, both options may fall away from me in the end. But the fact that they exist, together, at once... gives me more hope than I'd believed possible.

My destiny is mine to shape-- and no matter which way I look right now, I see a hopeful, happy future.

Day 68/365

Therapy night. Which of course means... angel-card night. The whole angel-card thing is getting a little ridiculous. I'd like to ask the universe to tone it down a notch, except... it's actually sort of fascinating... to see God speak through a tiny deck of cards this way.

Tonight I drew the word Light.

And here is what the book has to say about the Light Card:

"Definition: What makes it possible to see; brightness; illumination; a brilliant person; to kindle; to inflame; to come to rest.

Acknowledge the Light that you are. Share that Light with the world. Activate your own inner light and be aware of its uniqueness.

When you draw this card, often new information may be revealed to you unexpectedly. Be aware and you may notice a change happening that will shed light on the situation. Feel illumination and enlightenment. Situations will become clear. move out of the darkness into the Light.

A light hearted person is a happy one. Allow the radiant energy that is within you to show you the way. Lighten up. You are surrounded by new energy to lighten your load. Call on it.

Trust that there is Light in the situation. Even if you don't understand your experiences at this time, know that the reasons will soon come to light. Become the Light. See the Light within you. Invoke it. Anchor it.

See the Light in others."

See the Light in yourself. This is something that we talked around a little bit tonight, but that really struck me once I got home and reread this passage. "Allow the radiant energy that is within you to show you the way." For the first time in many years, I feel like there is actually a lightness within me, a radiance, yes... even a contentment. And the more I take my cue from that piece of myself, the brighter my future becomes... the more progress I make in my present.

I used to function in a place of darkness- afraid, sad, lonely, anxious and depressed. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel... I was so enmeshed in my pain and sorrow... I couldn't even see the damn tunnel. But now, I feel lighter, feel happier at my baseline and it makes it that much easier to process and move forward when things do come up to block my path. This is not a perfected thing for me, so much of what I do is a work in progress and this is no exception. I think the other piece of this card is the idea of recognizing my value, my worth... the light that shines from me that other people so easily see that I don't always.

So in addition to acknowledging the progress i've made, the steps I've taken ... it's a reminder to keep seeing my light, recognizing the unique and remarkable being that is Me.

Day 67/365

Today was an interesting day. We're in a phase of purging here at home. We're downsizing our family by adopting out some rescued cats that we never intended to keep in the first place, I put out some old stuff that's been hanging around in the garage unused, and today... I made arrangements to get rid of my van.

The van is the real story I suppose-- at least for me. It's sat in our driveway for almost 4 years now, undriven, unused... practically unopened. Inside, it housed the few bits and pieces of stuff I brought with me that I hadn't really found a place for yet inside.

I bought it two days before I moved. It was a last minute but necessary purchase, and upon taking it back to my tiny trashy trailer... I began filling it with all of my worldly belongings. It carried me from Oregon to Texas, with dog in tow. I shredded a tire in Arizona, and drove it for a year after I got here... cracked transmission and everything. In some ways... it was the bane of my existence, and in some... it was the only connection I really had to the almost 6 years I spent in a truly beautiful place.

When it came time for Texas registration.. there was no way it would pass inspection. So, with the help of my Godmother... Bessie the Behemoth (yes, I named my van... I name all my cars) was replaced by Ella the Elantra... and from that point forward... she became a non-rolling storage unit in our driveway-- serving mostly as a landmark to point people to our house on the street.

And although I've known it needed to go for a long time now, it's the last large concrete piece of my life from back then, and I've resisted losing it. But today... today for some reason the universe reached down to me and said... "Let go." Today the universe reminded me that what I'm trying to do is MOVE ON. Move Forward, move beyond. And to do that... I have to let go.

The truth is, you can make all the plans you want, dream all the dreams you care to, make wishes, hope to get lucky, plot your path... but if you want to actually move forward-- you have to let go of the things that anchor you to your past. You have to let go of the things that anchor you to your pain, your failings, your setbacks, your damage. You have to let go of the things that stand in your way.

I can't say that the van necessarily stood in my way in a physical sense... but emotionally-- having it visible to me every day, seeing the Oregon plate, knowing all the memories it held inside... it did hold me back.

So today, I made some calls. I made some arrangements. And I found someone to buy it for scrap. I didn't make much, enough to make it worth it really, and tonight as the man left with all my paperwork (leaving behind cash in my hand) and he promised his wrecker would be by to pick it up tomorrow mid-morning... I felt relieved. Relieved and lightened. Because it's done, and because it was time.

I cleared out the last of my "stuff," chose a good chunk of it to give to goodwill, but kept some things, and threw away much much more.

And it inspired me, the letting go... to continue purging. There is a lot in this house that I brought with me. Remnants of another time, another place... another Me. And it's time to go through all of those remnants and finally cull out the things that are only holding me back. There are going to be things I choose to keep... but it will be my choice. It won't be me keeping things because I CAN'T let go. I will keep things with purpose, for a reason. But I will not continue to be encumbered by pieces of my past. I am moving on, and now... I am letting go. It's time that I let my past fall behind me, leaves in autumn, drifting away. I can keep splashes, hold onto my memories... but all these concrete pieces need to be released.

And perhaps that's the overall theme of this year for me... Letting Go. Releasing my past once and for all.

It's time. Time to let go.

Are you ready to let go? What holds you back today? What landmarks do you hold onto in your heart... what behemoths keep you from being able to move forward?

Let it go. To move on; let go. It's time. Value your future more than your past. It holds more promise, and less pain. Choose to believe that what awaits you in the future is more beautiful, more extraordinary, more valuable than what you are so reluctant to let go of from your past.

Let it go.

Move on.

Believe, your future IS worth more than your past. My future is worth more.

Day 188/365, June 24rd, 2011

Tonight something kind of monumental happened in America. NY became the largest state (so far) to legalize gay marriage. Or rather-- to recognize that HUMAN EQUALITY has no boundaries. And for me the moment was a little bittersweet. I don't know if I've said this anywhere in this project before, but I'm gay. Yes, truly. Both Gay and Christian (is your mind blown yet?).

In my early 20s I fell in love with a girl, who fell in love with me. Sometimes it works out that way. And although our ending wasn't particularly tidy, we remain at the outskirts of each other's orbit, flirting with being friends once again. Tonight's announcement out of NY had special significance to me, because it played into one of our recurrent dreams as a young couple. There's an Amanda Marshall song called, "Marry Me," and in it she talks about getting married-- but then sneaking away from the reception away from the fuss because all you need is each other. And although we were a whole country apart from each other, at nights I would stay up and write while she slept, cell phones always connected, living together 3000 miles apart. More nights than not, I would sing her to sleep with that song..

"Dancing in the parking lot

While the band plays inside

Sweep me off my feet

Baby, marry me"

Happy memories. And tonight as they announced this incredible step she immediately came to mind. Our dreams, those nights-- singing her to sleep while we both imagined how things could be someday. We've been separate for a long time now, it's been years since we were an us, but I emailed her tonight and thanked her for the first time for being the first person to make me feel genuinely loved for who I was then. For making me feel beautiful for the first time. For loving me at all.

And at the end of the day, we're back in each other's orbits-- as friends. But I was reminded as I looked for words of wisdom for tonight's letter that I have loved. And been loved in return. The greatest gift perhaps that you can ask for. And this quote trickled past me and stuck. I've often wondered if I would find that kind of love again. I'm a different person than I was back then... and that's a wonderful thing, but I've wondered often if I'll ever feel that way again.

I know I will. Because it's true, once you've been in love, you can be again. It's in my nature to love and be loved. And someday, someone-- a special someone-- the right someone will find me. And maybe by then it won't just be New York, or Massachusetts, Iowa, Vermont, New Hampshire, DC. Maybe someday we'll be able to wed wherever we happen to be, wherever we so choose.

So tonight is a night of hope, for our community in general-- but also for me.

A girl who hopes to love again.

Day 30/365

I would say the theme of the week is birds but it's not, at least not intentionally. In fact, I've decided the theme of this week is actually forgiveness.

When I first talked about my abuse with my therapist, one of the things that really moved me was something she said when I'd finally stopped crying (at least for a minute)... "You didn't do anything wrong... but you're forgiven."

I, of course, began to cry again but since then, it has struck me on multiple occasions, how much it meant to hear those words. And how much I need to say them-- to myself.

Naturally, at some point... I need to embrace forgiveness for him as well.

I liked this quote especially because since everything has come out, I've equated those lost 20 years to a prison sentence I set for myself. I opened the door by opening my heart, opening my past... now I have to work on breaking down the walls.

In truth, I'm not really sure I'm ready to do that. It took me 20 years to realize where my blame and anger should be directed, and I'm not sure I'm ready to put that behind me just yet. But I'm also not interested in living behind their limits any longer either. I suppose like these photos... my forgiveness is still a work in progress too.

This week, as I finish the first month of Dear Me, I'm going to focus on forgiveness, and maybe when I'm done I'll have the strength to take that step.

*quote attributed to Lewis B. Smedes*

Titular image for my 365 Project

Day 50/365

I think this is the lesson I need to take away from this last week. I talk a lot about work, about my job. Because it's something that has challenged me since last summer. Relocation is a 24-7 job, something I didn't really know when I started. And the sector of relocation I work in means that there are a lot of times when you just can't finish everything you want to... or even everything you need to. For me, that's really hard.

In truth, there have been a lot of times (this week included) where I've felt like I was being pulled apart by my work. Trying to balance my instinctive over-achieving with this job's innate requirement that things sometimes just be left... unfinished. And although it is hard for me, it's forced me to face and change some things in the way I process challenges in my life. And a lot of good has come of it. I have amazing coworkers that I would even consider "friends," it pushed me into therapy with someone who has completely changed my life, it's shown me how much stronger I am, it's forced me to set aside some of my compulsions about perfection.

And more than that, it's shown me how many people in my life are there to hold me together-- starting with myself. I fell apart last summer. This job broke me. But I came back. I got up. And although my loved ones, my friends, my family held fast to me, helped me stay together-- I'm the one that fixed me, because I'm the only one that really can. So now, instead of focusing on the things in my life that tear me down, I'm going to focus on the things that heal me, that fix me, that hold me together way down deep inside.

My family. My friends. My photography. My art. My strength. My intelligence. My dedication. My heart. Me.

New goal to add to the ones I'm already pursuing this year: Focus on my joys. Focus on making my life into something that makes ME happy. Because that's what will hold me together, ultimately-- choosing happiness. Choosing to turn my life into something that makes me happy and satisfied and satiated. I will not allow myself to be torn apart. It's in my power to keep myself together. So I will.

Day 84/365

The image I originally photographed for this had the figure completely detailed, shirt, sleeves, neck, chin, eyes, everything. And it was ok. But I went to wash my hand and (because I used the stamping markers again) this is what was left.

And it seemed more appropriate to the message somehow, the undefined body, lacking detail, lacking definition, lacking delineation.

This is a concept that, if you've read through this project at all, comes up quite a bit for me. Not so much the heart part, I'm pretty good with that. But the body part. The body part is basically a daily struggle for me still. I keep looking for the block, trying to find what it is that keeps me from going around this, from pushing through this. Supertherapist is convinced that there's something there holding me back.

Back in December when we sort of ... broke through the "not good enough" block I think we may both have been surprised that it didn't topple more dominoes for me. Which is not to negate the progress I've made emotionally. I am in a completely different place than I was before December, and it's amazing. But the bodywork still continues to elude me.

There is part of me that wants so much to conquer my self-acceptance, the acceptance and love of my body... the body I have now. To accept my body the way I'm learning to accept and love my heart.

My new (well, i've had it for about a month probably) therapy book is called "When Women Stop Hating Their Bodies." I've put off reading it. I don't know why. First it was because I was already reading something else. But I finished that book and started a completely different one... so that excuse is out. I decided tonight though... I'm going to start reading it.

I'm tired of the way I feel about myself. Tired of hating what I see in the mirror. Tired of being dissatisfied and unhappy with my physical presence-- especially when I'm so happy with so much else in my life right now. So today I start reading. And maybe before I'm done I'll finally topple this domino, or at least figure out what it is that keeps me from being able to move forward.

Day 108/365

A couple of days ago, I mentioned something about being broken. About being a broken person. And I'm fixing that, I've fixed a lot of it actually. But I also confessed something I don't think I've said out loud before... that I wonder, worry even... about what it is to live a non-broken life. Maybe worry isn't the right word.

Living a non-broken life sounds pretty good actually. To be in harmony with my brain, my emotions, my life. But at the same time, when all you're used to is being broken, feeling broken-- is it so surprising that the idea of being whole is a little bit frightening? Most unknowns are frightening.

In the past, I've been most creative during times of depression, during times when my anxiety was at its worst. In the parts of the cycle where I was more functional-- I stopped being able to write, to create, to imagine as well as I did when I was most broken. It was one of the trade-offs of good mental health for so many years.

I could either be ridiculously creative... or at peace.

I saw this quote and it took on a new meaning to me today. Because I have a history ... a penchant (albeit in the past) for self-injury, even suicide... it struck me that being alive but broken... how much power there is in that.

All the wishes that would have gone with me to my grave are only pennies to the riches that exist in the dreams I have now... as a broken person... as a broken but healing person.

And... if I can survive this far with my dreams in tact, then maybe it's time to start imagining how amazing things will be when I do find that harmony. Because I will have harmony. And I know that my creativity will stay with me. Because harmony and health and creativity don't have to be mutually exclusive concepts.

I refuse to stop worrying that my uniqueness, that my creativity, that my imagination will abandon me when I'm able to stand and say, "I am well. I am whole."

Because my dreams are worth more than that. And I trust that they will stay with me as I creep closer and closer to that peaceful place within me.

Day 14/365

In truth, I've never felt that connected to New Year's before. When you spend your life convinced you're not a good person and that you don't deserve good things, it's hard to appreciate the dawning of a brand new year, because for you, it's just... another year of disappointment, fear, pain and sorrow.

But this year is decidedly different. I am free of all the lead weights of years past, free of my own negativity, free of my past, free of my guilt, free of my pain and shame and anguish. For me, this truly is a brand. new. year. So today I celebrate many things: the New Year, the new life I have before me, and the the chance to finally become the person I was always *meant* to be.

I believe that we are set on a path and if things go according to plan we end up somewhere very specific. I do feel in a lot of ways that because of what happened to me that path was drastically changed. But now, I have an opportunity to still end up wherever it is I was supposed to be in the first place. Or maybe-- even somewhere better.

This year I celebrate myself. The things I've survived, the things I've conquered, and the path that I've set for myself. Welcome to Day 14, and to those who are just now joining their own paths-- Happy New Year.

Day 36/365

Today was kind of a body-conscious day. I went shopping for new glasses, which means gratuitous pictures of myself (which I typically avoid) because it's the ONLY way for this blind-betty to be able to actually SEE what I look like in new frames.

The good news is, I actually rather like the photo I snagged of me in the frames I ended up choosing-- but it is always a challenge for me to stay positive when I see photos of myself. I have been overweight for most of my life and although I've worked myself into a positive place about a lot of things in recent months, the way I look is still a work in progress.

This quote moved me though, I loved this idea. The idea that my BODY is not who I am. My SOUL is. It's a really beautiful expression of the "it's what's inside that counts." So instead of working on a diet, or looking better... I'm going to work on making my body match my soul. Because I know THAT at least, is beautiful, just the way it is.

Day 79/365

I'm an emotional eater. Have been for years, as long as I can remember really. Food filled a void in my life, and the weight I gained because of it gave me protection from attention and affection that I didn't want after being abused. The problem is that I got so used to using food to stifle my emotions, that I forgot completely that the point of food is to feed my body-- not my emotions.

Last summer I made the decision to change all of that. I started tracking everything I ate, calories, fat, fiber, everything. I did it for months, and it made a huge difference. Of course at the same time, I had started cutting again too briefly... not like I used to, but enough. And when I stopped again.. stopped for real-- food returned. Fat and sugar and salt. It seems like my real battle is finding a way to cope that doesn't involve pain or food. It was my lack of coping mechanisms that sent me into therapy last summer to begin with.

Last night when I went grocery shopping I saw this bag of grapes... and they all looked like that-- beautiful and huge and green. And I brought them home and threw them in the fridge. Tonight, exhausted and frustrated and wanting ice cream-- I pulled them out and ate the whole bag. And I crunched them, deliberately-- relishing every drop, every silky, crispy bite. And for a minute, I kind of missed it-- my healthy plan.

I've been thinking about going back. About starting over. Tracking my food, setting my limits back. I need to start changing the way I think about food, completely. Change it in ways I didn't the first time I tried to change the way I eat.

At therapy last week, we were talking about food, about my relationship with food. We were talking about how it's ok to be friends with food, The thing I have to do is keep it from being my ONLY friend, my ONLY coping mechanism.

"What do you do to cope?" She asked. "What do you to do feel better in that moment when you're overwhelmed and stressed and lonely?"

My answer was, "Right now... I guess... I eat."

But it's time to do something else. I'm not really sure what yet... but something besides make myself invisible. It's time to stop feeding my emotions and start feeding my body.

Day 2/365

The message that my therapist keeps trying to drive home is that it doesn't matter what I look like, what I do, where I am-- I am ok. I am loving and lovable JUST the way I am.

Day 80/365

I had a moment today, when I felt really good. When I glanced in the mirror and didn't hate what stared back at me. I had a frustrating day (as usual), had to endure some change (which I tend not to be a huge fan of), did not get back on my healthy eating plan, and felt sort of... exposed and fat and unattractive all through the day for some reason.

But when I came home, I changed to head to dinner with Kris. I pulled on my comfortable cords, my favorite green sweater, my fantastic boots.. and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Good hair, snazzy glasses, a great green sweater that compliments my complexion, and pants with slimming lines. And I looked for a minute longer and chose to ignore my hips and stomach, chose to ignore my round face. Instead I looked at the overall picture. And for a moment, I felt ok. Cute even. And for a few minutes, while I walked through the house, out to the car and into the church for the Shrove Tuesday dinner, I just felt... good.

How quickly though that vanished into my usual headspace... wondering what other people think when they see me, wondering what other people believe about me because of my weight. Feeling self-conscious and fat and yes... even ugly. I went into a space of being hyper-conscious of my stomach, of the space I take up in a room, in a chair, among a row of tables laid out in a church hall.

I want so much to change that equation. I want those moments of insecurity to be the fleeting ones, and those moments of goodness, of confidence, of feeling beautiful... I want those to be the standard.

I will freely admit that I don't truly believe tonight's message yet. I just don't. I can sit and say from a place of logic that being overweight doesn't mean I'm not beautiful, that I'm not worthy, that I'm not attractive. But the way I feel... doesn't match that. Today's message is where I want to be, where I need to end up. And I need to be in that space no matter what shape my body is in. I need to remember that I am beautiful, and not just because beauty is more than my body... but because I am beautiful even in my body.

Day 56/365

I was thinking today, in the aftermath of the last few weeks, about how resilient I am. I look back at my life, at everything I've survived and two things stand out to me these days.

#1: I can actually Look back. Without falling apart, without ripping at my seams, without the despair and pain that once I did. That alone is sort of huge.

#2: I have survived more than your average bear. So to speak. And in truth, a lot of my falling down was more me beating myself down-- but each and every time I HAVE gotten back up.

Maybe not up very far... but up nonetheless.

Did you know that I have filed for unemployment 3 times... but have never been unemployed long enough to collect a check? Well, at least not when I was eligible to. The truth is no matter what life hands me... and no matter how lamentably I have treated myself... I always end up rising back up again.

And isn't that... glorious?

This is an abridged version of the deservability treatment my therapist gave me when we first started seeing each other. In the last month, I have truly truly begun to believe these tenants. WIth all my heart.

The full text is:

"I am deserving. I deserve all good. Not some, not a little, but all good. i now move past all negative restricting thoughts. I release and let go of the limitations of my parents. I love them, and I go beyond them. I am not their negative opinions, nor their limiting beliefs. I am not bound by any of the fears or prejudices of the current society I live in. I no longer identify with limitations of any kind.

In my mind I have total freedom. I now move into a space of consciousness, where I am willing to see myself differently. I am willing to create new thoughts about myself and about my life.

I now know and affirm that I am at one with the Prospering Power of the universe. As such, I now prosper in a number of ways. The totality of possibilities lies before me. I deserve life, a good life. I deserve love, an abundance of love. I deserve good health. I deserve joy and happiness. I deserve freedom to be all that I can be. I deserve more than that. I deserve all good.

The Universe is more than willing to manifest my new beliefs. And I accept this abundant life with joy, pleasure, and gratitude. For I am deserving. I accept it; I know it to be true."

I wanted to end 2010 with this "treatment." Partly to celebrate my newfound belief in my own deservability, but also as a reminder that the close of the year is the perfect time to focus on forward motion. I resolve to move forward. To believe good things about myself and those around me. I resolve to treat myself with kindness and care, and to appreciate my gifts.

Day 196/365, July 2nd, 2011.

I got a haircut today. I scheduled it for 2pm because i assumed we'd all be in for a mandatory Saturday but since everyone got caught up-- no work today! I made my way into my salon where a good friend can be trusted to cut my hair exactly the way I want it. This is, apparently not as easy as you would think. She's the only stylist I've ever seen more than once-- and it's not just because she's my friend, but because she actually LISTENS to me, and does what I want... even if she doesn't always agree with my style choices.

Classically, at this point in the summer-- I give up completely. I walk into the salon and say, "CUT IT OFF." I have very fine hair... but an over-abundance of it. And even in shorter styles it gets a bit oppressive in the Texas heat of summer. She's used to it by now. And she's great about trimming away all that I consider excess... leaving me with enough to spike if I'm feeling feisty, but not much else.

Imagine her surprise as I plopped into the chair and advised her that I didn't really know WHAT I wanted to do... but that I didn't want to do the same old summer shear. She asked some questions, I told her what I've been doing lately, and said I trusted her.

We still took off a lot of the weight of it, she thinned out so much of the volume of it. But instead of my spike shear, I ended up with long soft swoop of a bang across my forehead, gentle accents next to my ears, and a beautifully shaped cut that framed my face. Long enough to tuck some behind my ears, but short enough to still feel like me.

I walked out smiling, feeling beautiful. It's funny, lately I've been really starting to... embrace myself. My body, my looks, my physicality. I'm learning to be visible, and to feel comfortable being seen, being noticed and yes... being complimented too. Because it seems to more confident I am, the more people notice me, the more compliments and encouragement I receive. And it's not that my looks have changed. They haven't.

I'm still the same size I was last month, 6 months ago, last year. But now... I'm really learning to love the body I inhabit-- just the way it is now... and to realize that the only person who really got caught up in what people see when the see me... was Me. And I'm beginning to get vocal about it too. It's as if defending my body from my own attacks has created in me a new advocate for ALL bodies. I used to fear that people looked at my size and judged me. I used to worry they thought I was lazy, or ugly, unworthy. And what I'm realizing as I move through this journey of visibility is that people will judge. People will always judge. The important thing is to know that no matter what society wants me to believe... I AM beautiful and worthy and valuable just the way I am. Just as I am now.

Day 21/365

I am shy. Like, painfully, ridiculously shy. My coworkers would not believe that statement because my job means I HAVE to be on point, boisterous, outgoing, but people that have gotten to know me in person particularly (rather than those that knew me first online) would believe it. Although I warm up to people quickly, and make new friends easily-- I have spent most of my life dealing with Social Anxiety Disorder, which makes it a little challenging for me to break open with new people.

That also means I have trouble putting myself out there creatively. 2 years ago, my godmother had a unique request for her birthday-- she wanted to see me sing. Jazz Club, Ella Fitzgerald style. I can do it, no doubt. I have the voice for it.

What I don't have? The stones to actually get up in a group of people and belt it out.

A lot of it is body-issues. I've been fighting not just my weight, but my own perceptions for so many years. I actually started to make progress on the weight front last year, and managed to drop almost 40 pounds (and holding). I'm still working on the weight thing... and am working just as hard, or harder on the body-image thing.

My therapist keeps saying that I need to love and accept myself NOW in order to really be able to appreciate and love myself when I get to where I WANT to be. And she's right.

But I've resolved and moved through a lot of things... letting my own star shine-- is something I'm still working on. For now, this note remains a work in progress.

Day 114/365

I've been learning a lot about myself in the last few months. And today as I talked to a coworker about the things that are on tap for my photography in the next couple of months. I got so excited, could feel myself getting happier and more confident, and more hopeful as I talked.

And when I came home and found this quote I stopped to think about the last few weeks, to think about the progression (or lack thereof) of my anxiety and discomfort over that last 3 and a half months. And what I realized is that as I've become more and more invested in this project, and in my art-- I have been less and less bothered by ... well... anything.

I'm still not super-happy at work. It's still stressful, and going to get worse. But i'm not as actively bothered by it. I've gotten better and better at leaving it behind me at the end of the day. At not carrying my frustration with me when I leave the office and head home for the night, or for the weekend.

Even at my desk at the office, I find myself getting less worked up about things. Because I know that in time I won't need any office to pay my bills. WIth every event, with every daily photo, with every experimental shot, every panorama... I get closer.

Like so many things, this idea isn't perfect yet. But the difference in me a year ago (shortly after starting this job) and me now is striking. It's not that I care less, it's that I've learned that I don't have to care as intensely. I don't have to take this job personally. I've learned and accepted and taken to heart that good-bad-or ugly, it's just a job. And doing my best doesn't have to include letting it run my life.

I know myself so much better now, and i know what I want. And I won't let things that aren't part of my final plan bother me anymore. They're stepping stones to the future I'm creating. And it's a waste of time to get worked up about a stepping stone. Instead of being bothered, I'm going focus on the ultimate goal. Because that's what really matters.

Day 64/365

I saw this on a card years ago and wrote it down because I thought it was excellent advice. It's probably advice I should have listened to earlier in the day.

All I wanted to do was relax. Maybe edit some photos, work on the little print album for the project, watch a few movies.. maybe even take a nap. And while that was going on, I wanted to wash my bedding. Pillows, quilts, fitted sheet, pillowcases... you know... the basics.

So I threw them in the washer and that's pretty much where it all went bad. I spent the rest of the day frustrated, kicking machines, throwing away sopping wet pillows and then finally celebrating when my godmother returned home, jiggled the drum, and got the washer working as though nothing had happened. :headdesk:

And after everything was running again, we went and had dinner, ran to Target (to buy new pillows to replace the ones I had to throw out), and as we got out of the car at Target I stopped. I opened my hands and faced my palms forward, feeling the breeze push against my closed eyes, smelling the air and feeling the sun setting behind us.

And it was such a wonderful moment. A 30-second span of time when I rooted myself to the world around me. I forgot my frustration, I forgot my exhaustion, I forgot the things I hadn't gotten done. I just-- breathed.

I need to do that more often. Root myself to the wind, to the earth, to the sky, the clouds, the sunset. I don't really consider myself a "nature girl" but maybe I should re-evaluate that. After my snow-hike a couple weeks ago, I felt so ... fulfilled. So, now that the days are getting longer, we're hiring new people (and maybe I can switch schedules), I'm going to try and start getting out after work... if not out to the lake then just around the neighborhood maybe. Some music, some nature... my camera.

I need that. I need to reconnect with that part of myself. Teach myself how to breathe again.

Day 51/365

This is a concept I have trouble with still. There's more to this than just having faith in myself, it's also about having faith in the universe as a whole. It's about believing that the powers that be (whatever you believe that to be) want what's best for you, that they want you to be happy, and successful.

I believe that I'm on a path to something really wonderful. With my art, with this project, with my life in general. But sometimes, that old doubt creeps in. The part of me that saw only bad luck and bad decisions and bad fortune around every turn for years and years... the part of me that still feels sometimes small and frustrated and hopeless. There is a bigger part of me though that believes, and KNOWS that those days are behind me and that as long as I believe I have the power in my life then all I CAN do is succeed. And that's what I have to hold onto.

One of the books I read talked about presumptive living-- the idea of living as though the things you desire will happen. Instead of asking for what you need, or what you want... thank the universe (or God, or whatever your power of choice may be) for providing it for you... before you receive it. And while that seemed like a silly idea when I first read about it... the more I adopt this idea, the more I see it bear fruit.

I believe there is some larger plan for me than what I see directly before me. And I believe that if I take on this idea of presumptive living, that I can't help but succeed at whatever I put my mind to, can't help but succeed where I allow my passion to lead me. It's true because I believe it, and I believe it because it's true.

The thing we have to remind ourselves is that our dreams are only as likely as we believe them to be. If we allow ourselves the faith to believe they are possible-- then we leave ourselves open to see them come true.

Mine will. Yours can.

Simply believe and act as if it were impossible to fail.

Day 24/365

The theme of my week seems to be struggle. Alone in the house for a week, an extra stressful extra busy time at work, and still processing all the massage aftermath and this week I just can't seem to shake my funk.

This has sort of become my mantra through the day. When I feel like giving up, on work, on my progress, on my healing, on my courage, on my very consciousness.. I remember-- there is always hope. I look at how far I've come in so little time and I remember there is a much larger hand guiding my own these days.

Tonight, I renew my faith not just in Him... but in myself.

Day 31/365

More on Forgiveness. I liked this unattributed quote as I ran across it today. The idea that forgiveness is not just about forgetting but about remembering. When we hold onto anger, to pain, to that sensation of being wronged... we allow those emotions to take up space in our hearts, in our souls even-- we let them live rent free in a space that could be filled with joy, or laughter, or hope.

Forgiveness doesn't mean we forget what has happened to us, it means that we know once and for all that our futures are more important than our pasts. In my journey, there are 3 people I am still having trouble forgiving. One of them, sadly enough, is myself. And maybe that's where I should begin, in earnest. Forgive myself for imagined wrongs, and real ones. Forgive myself for wasting 20 years of my life in a prison I didn't deserve. Forgive myself for not realizing how much I was worth all that time. Forgive myself for all the catching up I have to do now, because of the risks I wasn't willing to take when I should have. Forgive myself for all the experiences I haven't had yet because I was so sure I didn't deserve them.

Forgiveness isn't just about moving forward-- it's about beginning. Again, and again, and again. It's time to begin again. Now... I just have to figure out how to move from recognize the need for forgiveness... to the actual forgiveness.

Day 28/365

Variation of a theme. I feel like this is pretty self-explanatory. Nonetheless- I mentioned before that I tend to strive for self-containment... or at least I have historically. This point is one my therapist has brought up before-- that true friendship is a 2 way street. I am good at being a listener, a shoulder, a supporter. I am hesitant to share, lean, or speak of my own. At least, not about the important stuff. Don't get me wrong, I can complain, bitch, and moan with the best of them.

But actually sitting with someone face to face and talking about the things that really trouble me.. I still don't do that very well. I can talk to my therapist, although the hardest things still have to be pulled rather than told on occasion. But for my friends, my family-- I tend to stay quiet.

This Dinah Shore quote was part of a book of quotes that my best friend from high school gave me many years ago. She took a journal, and copied in quotes, and pieces of poetry (both hers and mine) and presented it to me as a gift. I look through it each night along with several other sources to find something that inspires me for this project.... for those days when nothing specific jumps out at me through the day.

I don't know that i ever noticed this quote in that book before. I know it was always there, it's in her handwriting. But tonight it stopped me in my tracks. Because although the therapist and I have had this conversation, I don't know that I've ever really seen it quite this way before.

I think maybe one of my goals this year needs to be to allow others to love me. Allow those that are there, and willing, and wanting... to know my troubles. They know I have them, maybe it's time I share the pieces of myself I've kept locked away. The kind of things they've been trusting and loving enough to share with me.

And maybe, it will not just allow them to love me, but be an act of love for myself as well. And really, isn't that the point? Finding ways to show myself I'm loved... especially by me.

Day 71/365

I wasn't really sure what to do today for my photo. I went flipping through all my sources for quotes and inspiration and just kept... coming up empty. So instead of trying to be inspired by my day which was fairly calm really, I decided to remind myself of something that is an ongoing battle for me.

I've talked before about the tapes that play in my head... the ones that say I'm not good enough. The ones that say I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, not talented enough. The tapes that I used to listen to exclusively to the point that I couldn't see anything but proof that they were right.

And I've made a lot of progress with this, I've come a long way towards not just turning off those tapes but rewriting them completely. There are a lot of areas of my life though where these tapes still play, where I am still working on turning off that imaginary person who says that I'm not enough.

This quote is especially appropriate to my journey from start to finish really. Because whether it was my mother's voice in my head... or just... that part of me that was mired in guilt from abuse, there has always been an imaginary person inside, standing between myself and my own heart. I find it so easy to love other people, to care for and about others-- even those I barely know... or may never even have met in person. But that constant barrage of not-enoughness has been a barrier to loving myself for too long. And for so many years it was so loud and so persistent that I saw NO good in myself at all. I saw nothing lovable when I looked in the mirror, saw nothing lovable in myself at all.

Thankfully, with the help of an amazing SuperTherapist, I'm starting to see myself differently, starting to think about myself differently. And yet even now, after so much progress-- I still have these moments when I don't see the amazing woman I am, the amazing woman I'm becoming. I still have moments where all I hear is that invisible person... doubting, fearing, denigrating. And tonight I remind myself again that that person, that voice is not right.

I am remarkable. I am incredibly talented and passionate and yes... even... beautiful.

What I have to do is stop listening to that invisible person and LOVE the real person that I am. Exactly as I am.

Day 7/365

For Christmas, one of my gifts was this beautiful stone that is etched, "Believe." A very appropriate gift from my Grandmother who is ridiculously prescient about these kinds of gifts... somehow her "special" gift each year is EXACTLY what I need to hear, see, or know at the exact time she gives it to me. I am so glad to have family and friends in my life who Believe in me... even when I find it hard to believe in myself.