Day 71/365

I wasn't really sure what to do today for my photo. I went flipping through all my sources for quotes and inspiration and just kept... coming up empty. So instead of trying to be inspired by my day which was fairly calm really, I decided to remind myself of something that is an ongoing battle for me.

I've talked before about the tapes that play in my head... the ones that say I'm not good enough. The ones that say I'm not pretty enough, not thin enough, not talented enough. The tapes that I used to listen to exclusively to the point that I couldn't see anything but proof that they were right.

And I've made a lot of progress with this, I've come a long way towards not just turning off those tapes but rewriting them completely. There are a lot of areas of my life though where these tapes still play, where I am still working on turning off that imaginary person who says that I'm not enough.

This quote is especially appropriate to my journey from start to finish really. Because whether it was my mother's voice in my head... or just... that part of me that was mired in guilt from abuse, there has always been an imaginary person inside, standing between myself and my own heart. I find it so easy to love other people, to care for and about others-- even those I barely know... or may never even have met in person. But that constant barrage of not-enoughness has been a barrier to loving myself for too long. And for so many years it was so loud and so persistent that I saw NO good in myself at all. I saw nothing lovable when I looked in the mirror, saw nothing lovable in myself at all.

Thankfully, with the help of an amazing SuperTherapist, I'm starting to see myself differently, starting to think about myself differently. And yet even now, after so much progress-- I still have these moments when I don't see the amazing woman I am, the amazing woman I'm becoming. I still have moments where all I hear is that invisible person... doubting, fearing, denigrating. And tonight I remind myself again that that person, that voice is not right.

I am remarkable. I am incredibly talented and passionate and yes... even... beautiful.

What I have to do is stop listening to that invisible person and LOVE the real person that I am. Exactly as I am.

Day 7/365

For Christmas, one of my gifts was this beautiful stone that is etched, "Believe." A very appropriate gift from my Grandmother who is ridiculously prescient about these kinds of gifts... somehow her "special" gift each year is EXACTLY what I need to hear, see, or know at the exact time she gives it to me. I am so glad to have family and friends in my life who Believe in me... even when I find it hard to believe in myself.

Day 123/365

I don't really have anything profound to say in this space tonight. I'm worn out, tired and honestly-- feeling a little low on sweetness and softness myself at the moment.

I made my Dr.'s appointment today. # 2 on my list could get me in to see the Nurse Practitioner next Wednesday. I'm glad, to be honest. It seems like every day I feel more and more tired, more and more frustrated with my health. I think it's mostly female issues which I won't expound on in this particular forum, but suffice to say pain, discomfort and exhaustion have wrung me out pretty thoroughly of late.

I hope when this is over I'll feel like myself again. That I'll recover some of the softness, some of the sweetness.

The good news, I do still believe that the world is a wonderful, beautiful place. I do really. I just have to get back to point where I can participate more fully IN it.

Day 57/365

I had a lovely day with my family today. It never ceases to bolster me, to raise me up when I'm frustrated, to ground me when I feel as though I'm falling.

As I drove home this evening, with homemade valentine cookies, a valentine card from my grandmother, love, and hugs, and food for thought... I suddenly felt panicked. Frustrated and overwhelmed at the idea of returning to work tomorrow. My backup gone, and our system hopefully restored-- we have days of work to recover, and are down a worker to do it. As the coworker who left was not just my friend but my work "buddy," my backup essentially, I am understandably anxious about what tomorrow will bring for me.

And the sheer force of my anxiety was crushing, and my old instincts-- to panic, to run, to cut came welling through my body swiftly. As I pulled into a gas station I sat for a moment, breathing and counting, pressing together my fingertips, trying to center myself back to a place of calm and confidence. It didn't really work, but at least I managed to avoid hyperventilating.

There are 2 things really that are important about tonight.

#1: I am not going to cut. I am not going to fall apart. i am not going to step backwards just because there is something new and scary in my life.

#2: I AM stronger than today. I am stronger than tomorrow, and the day after, and stronger than anything that the next few days may throw at me.

I am anxious: true

I am scared: also true

I am frustrated: true again

I am feeling overwhelmed: true, true, true

But I am also Strong. Stronger than this. Stronger than work, stronger than stress, stronger than all of it.

And I will survive, and conquer, and move beyond.

Day 130/365

Today was my Dr. Appointment and it went well I suppose. They took a bunch of blood, did an ultrasound, and ordered a CT of my womb and related parts for tomorrow. They did find some issues, but nothing major to report as yet. The good news is they took my pain seriously, so while they're testing everything I have been blessed with a prescription for both a painkiller and an anti-inflammatory.

Having my mom there was really amazing. After 22 years as an adopted child, it's kind of a kick to be able to answer all the "family history" questions they ask and actually have answers. And it was during the question part of the appointment that I realized something really important, something I've been walking around for months-- no, years.

And today, my letter is a little different. It's not just a letter to me, it's a letter to my body itself. Because today is the first time I really realized exactly how healthy I've been, how much my body has done. So today, I did something I should have done ages ago... I appreciated my body, and all that it's done for me.

"Dear Body,

I don't think I've ever really appreciated you before. No broken bones, no illnesses, no surgeries.

You've protected me, carried me, cushioned me. I didn't realize until now how wonderful you've been to me over the years.

I'm sorry I've been so unkind to you, so cruel, so demeaning. I'm sorry for every unkind word, every mean thought. I'm sorry I didn't give you enough credit or enough attention.

I may still be struggling with what I see in the mirror, but I love you, and I'm grateful that you've kept me safe and healthy all these years."

Model: Maduro

Location: New Orleans, LA

To commemorate an important trip to New Orleans during Mardis Gras, Maduro got some voodoo tattoos.

www.octofoil-records.com/artists_maduro.htm

Day 22/365

The last week or so, I've been really relating to this quote from Anatole France. Particularly on Thursday as I laid for my massage and fought the urge to implode with pain and fear, I've been trying to remind myself that the changes I'm making though some are difficult, even painful, are being made so that I can create for myself the life I truly deserve to live. Free of the shell of a life I've left behind, the shell of a life that he left me with.

Lately, I have been feeling that melancholy more than I expected. And maybe Thursday's massage is part of it. It was a good thing, a necessary thing. But at the same time ever since early last week I've been feeling waves of melancholy. Nothing permanent, nothing damaging-- but it's definitely been there, rolling in and out like a tide. Sometimes, I remember pieces, moments from before it all happened. I remember the way it felt to wake up in the morning-- 6 years old, or 7... happy, content. If with nothing else than with myself.

I remember sometimes, feeling as though my heart was still open, that all would be right in the world. I remember sometimes, feeling as though the whole world was ahead of me. And that changed. And for 20 years I lived in a world where I was afraid and ashamed and in pain. I made myself a prison and stayed there. I suppose in truth, there are two lives I'm putting behind me. The life I had before him... and the life I had after him. All to make room for the life I choose to have now.

So I will take my moments of melancholy, I will accept them as signs that I am in fact moving forward. As signs that the life-- the lives I had before are falling behind me once and for all.

Day 18/365

An almost repeat already, but I don't feel badly about it. We had chinese food for dinner and as I opened the most ridiculous fortune in a cookie ever... twice (no really, same fortune, 2 cookies), I realized that I spend way too much time counting on "luck."

The truth is what I should be counting on is not luck, but MYSELF. I am a determined, perseverant, dedicated woman. I can accomplish anything that I set my mind to. Anything.

Day 44/365

Another difficult day at work sent me home to pick up this holding cross my grandmother gave me. The contours, shape, and texturing of the cross make it fit organically in the hand, and the hand-carved ridges and dips in it's surface make it a great "worry-stone" type of item.

I was thinking this evening, as I clutched my cross, about how easily I believe in a Higher Power. About how throughout my life, even when I was angry at God-- I had so little trouble believing that He was indeed There somewhere... wherever "There" is. I have felt distanced, and separated, and angry, and even unsure. But I have never had a moment when my faith was absolutely gone from me.

As easy as it is to believe in Something Else, why then, is it so difficult to believe in something so concrete as myself? I am blessed with a plethora of loyal, loving, supportive, encouraging and faithful people in my life who have no trouble believing in me. Family and friends and even complete strangers believe in Me. In what I'm capable of. In the amazing things I'm going to achieve, and do, and create in my life.

If all those people can believe so easily in me, why is it so hard for me?

Today at work I found myself struggling again with that not-enoughness. With feeling insufficient-- even as I was working my butt off the same way I always have. And by the end of the day I doubted myself again. Doubted my abilities, my talents, my knowledge.

If I am going to really move forward with my life, if I'm really going to move into a whole new space in my heart and in my head, I have to stop letting go of my faith so easily. That means letting go and letting God.... but also remembering who I am. i am a creative, intelligent, unique, loyal, loving, and REMARKABLE woman. And I need to start putting the same faith into myself that others so easily do.

Day 127/365

This last couple of weeks, I've alluded to not quite feeling up to snuff. Female issues abound. One of the things I've been realizing is how amazing my body is.

We've talked about it so much in therapy-- how I don't appreciate all that my body has done for me over the years. And although I've done a lot of "bobble-heading" as Supertherapist calls it (you know... nod nod nod nod nod) I think this last week is the first time I really internalized the service my body has given to me over the years.

I've treated it like crap- no denials. I cut it, bruised it, stuffed it, deprived it, hated it, disowned it, disparaged it, made fun of it, devalued it in general.

But through all of that... it kept working. And maybe I never had the most regular periods. Maybe when the weather gets cold my hips hurt. Maybe my mirror and I aren't the best of friends.

But My body and I had our own form of "normal," a co-existance that while maybe not the most peaceful on my end-- was more functional than I've given it credit for.

Tonight, for the first time I did, finally, show my body some love. I used lotion on my arms and legs, even... even on my stretch marked belly and chest. Tonight, for the first time, I thanked my body for everything it HAS done for me. I thanked it for protecting me when I was younger. I thanked it for allowing me to be mobile-- even as I got heavier. I thanked it for giving me a relatively pain-free existence. I thanked it for putting up with my own abuse.

I don't know that I'm at a --see myself in the mirror and be happy-- kind of place just yet. But This is definitely progress. I may not be satisfied just yet with the way it looks... but I am so so grateful to have made it 29 years before it caused me any kind of genuine pain, any real discomfort. And hopefully, after my appointment on Wednesday my body and I... we'll be back to our truce. And I'm going to make a concerted effort to infuse myself with more love, to appreciate my physical strengths more than I have in the past. I'm going to work on speaking more kindly to my body too.

I'm going to work on being kinder to myself in general, and this time-- I'm going to include my body in that resolution.

Dear Body- thank you. Thank you for treating me so well, even as I treated you so poorly. Thank you for carrying me for 29 years without real complaint, without any major difficulties. Thank you for a life free of broken bones, lacking in major injuries.

Thank you. And I'm sorry it's taken me so long to say that.

Model: Maduro

Location: New Orleans, LA

To commemorate an important trip to New Orleans during Mardis Gras, Maduro got some voodoo tattoos.

www.octofoil-records.com/artists_maduro.htm

Day 75/365

This may seem like an odd juxtaposition between imagery and words to most people. But those that know me best may see where I'm about to go with tonight's message.

For years I lived bound by the strictures of my anxiety disorder. I was afraid of people, afraid of crowds, of events, of new places, new people, new experiences. I did nothing and went nowhere. Slowly but surely over the last few years I've broken free of that. And my camera had a lot to do with that. With my camera I started to see new things as opportunities. I saw them as photos, snapshots, practice for a talent that I'm passionate about. It's actually part of how I got involved in photographing Burlesque shows to begin with, despite my social-anxiety driven fears.

Sometimes though I feel like it's my camera that pulls me back to those moments. This week is a prime example. There's a show on Friday and my usual partner in crime can't make it. And I know I want to go to the show, I know I want to sit close to the stage, catch what photos I can, and be proud of what I capture. But doing it without someone there with me seems... scary for some reason. I don't want to draw attention to myself, sitting in the audience with my camera raised, snapping away. But I know it doesn't matter. No one's ever asked me to stop, some of the girls even know me, tag their own photos on facebook, ask for prints. The truth is, if I asked, I could probably stand up with the REAL photographers at the edge of the stage. (I'm sure Supertherapist and others are now saying, "You ARE a real photographer")

I won't ask though. Not yet anyway. I know a lot of this isn't my anxiety disorder anymore-- for the most part-- I have that pretty well managed these days. A lot of it is throwback from my body issues, from my self-esteem, from some of those still-whispering, "not enoughs." Even now, when I look at my work there is a part of me that still thinks, "this is good.... but what if it's not good ENOUGH?"

:sigh: I want so much to finish this conversion, the make the change from fearing the unknown to sheer, unadulterated, unfettered curiosity. To stop being afraid and forge into the unknown, camera at the ready to capture every last moment. Not just because I want to, but because I know I'm good enough to do it.

I suppose to start with, I need to go to this show alone. I need to take out my camera the way I always do. I need to know that I am talented enough to be there. I need to not be afraid just because I'm striking out alone.

I need to know and accept that I am good enough, talented enough. Just... enough. And I need to stop seeing newness and strangeness as something to be feared.

Day 99/365

I did a photoshoot today. I love doing shoots for friends because even though I put the same amount of pressure on myself-- I know that there's a lot less pressure from my subjects. They love me, they know my work, and they understand my limitations.

We've had it planned for about 2 weeks, and although Saturday was beautiful, bright, sunny, and warm... Sunday dawned cold then grew gloomier and gloomier. By the time we got ourselves collected, composed and ready to shoot... it was downright chilly, with heavy clouds and a light mist.

But, I assured them we could make it happen. Although portraiture isn't how I want, ultimately, to make my living as a photographer, it's part of a set of skills that I need to be marketable, and sometimes the weather just doesn't cooperate.

But, this is my dream-- me and a camera. So I made it work... and beautifully! Next weekend, I'm shooting baby photos. There's a bridal shoot int eh future, and possibly another set of engagement photos for someone else. I'm shooting a wedding in September, and in the meantime, i shoot these daily letters to myself, to remind me that My future is mine to create.

I desire it, I dream of it, and I believe I can do it. It will happen.

Day 144/365

It's official. I have a primary care physician. Been awhile. I've been uninsured for a looong time (think... 10 years or so really), and now that I have insurance and have been having health issues it became necessary to give up my Urgent-Care ways and find an actual regular run-of-the-mill physician.

So I found one. And I love her. And that's not something I've not really had before. I tend to avoid Doctors, I think I've mentioned that before. I really liked her, she listened to me, respected my opinions and my needs and didn't harp on things that are obvious. And now, because I have a regular physician, I can get all the tests and blood-work and everything else that I haven't been able to do before. They took more blood, ran an EKG, prescribed an epi-pen (probably wise), and was able to give me the name of a Female Gyn-Onc specialist to see about my surgery.

I have to get a chest x-ray and wait for the blood-work to come back, but assuming all is well-- I'll have surgical clearance. And in the meantime, I finally have a regular Dr. that I like and respect. In the meantime, I'll maybe get some medical assistance with my weight loss. In the meantime, I can finally take care of all the "maintenance" that hasn't been done for my body for so many years.

In the old days, I would have just... dealt with my pain. I would have lived with it, even as bad as it was. But instead, I took it for what it was-- a sign that my body needed attention. Instead, I proved to myself that I have changed the way I think about myself-- at least a little. Because I finally value myself enough to deal with my problems, instead of ignoring them. No matter what they are.

I'm not glad that I was in pain, or that I've been ill. I'm not glad my body has been malfunctioning. But I am glad that for once I've taken physical problems and allowed them to guide me to a reasonable, rational, and healthy solution ultimately. I fully intend to pay more attention to my body and what I need, I will listen to my own guidelines and choose a road that leads to a healthier me.

Model: Maduro

Location: New Orleans, LA

To commemorate an important trip to New Orleans during Mardis Gras, Maduro got some voodoo tattoos.

www.octofoil-records.com/artists_maduro.htm

Day 32/365

More forgiveness. Well, I said it was a theme didn't I?

I've mentioned before that I spent the last 20 years convinced that I was a terrible person. Because of my abuse, because of some experiences that happened after my abuse, because of reinforcement I thought I saw in other areas of my life... I was sure that I didn't deserve good things, didn't deserve anything better. In the last couple of months of course, I've realized that my belief in my "badness" isn't true, that I wasn't a bad person-- I was a victim. And now, I have to come to terms with 20 years of wasted time that I can't get back. I treated myself terribly in those years, emotionally, physically, mentally. I was my own very worst enemy.

I think part of my struggle with forgiveness is illustrated in this quote. There is a part of me, I think, that still believes it could have been better. That my life, my past, my journey could have been different, better, happier, easier. Part of the challenge of forgiving myself especially is letting go of that. Releasing those dreams of "could have been." Even letting go of those dreams of "should have been." There are no possibilities in the past. Possibilities exist in only 2 places: Now, and in the future. I need to stop looking at what might have been, and start focusing on what can be-- what WILL be.

It is time to give up on the possibility of a better past, and work to create a better future, a better today- a better tomorrow. Because I do deserve that. I deserve that all the wonderful things that can come with it.

Day 106/365

I talked recently about doubt. About how much I doubt myself. I don't know where that comes from-- well, actually I guess I do. I spent so many years being fed the line of "not good enough" that I have trouble even now trusting my own vision.

Right now I'm making decisions, about my life, about my future, about my path. And even though I'm 99% sure of what I'm doing-- I still doubt. But I need not to.

I need to believe that my heart knows what it wants, and that I am capable of achieving it. Right now I'm making decisions and even knowing they're the right ones... doubting doubting doubting.

I'm working on it-- my constant refrain.

The truth? I think sometimes I'm afraid my life will actually work. That everything will actually pay off... and then what?

I think it's time to start deciding who I am... if I'm not broken anymore. Because someday-- I won't be.

Day 109/365

Tonight I decided to do something I've not really done before. I actually sat down and wrote myself a letter. An actual one. And one long overdue probably.

And instead of expanding on it here, I'm going to reproduce the text of it (since I know parts of it are lost in folds of skin), and trust that to a certain extent-- it explains itself.

"Dear Me,

’m sorry. For all the pain, for all the anger. For my lack of faith in you… in us.

I’m sorry. For taking so long to speak your truth, to tell our stories, to give you a voice, an opinion, a path.

I’m sorry. For making it so complicated, so frustrating.

But mostly, I’m sorry that it’s taking me so long to love you. It’s not your fault."

Day 207/365. July 13th, 2011

I surrender. I give up to this week. Ironic of course, that I chose a quote about rain during one of the hottest summer's on record. But today, as we all started drowning in work and stress and idiocy and frustration... I realized that all I can do is throw my hands up and just... let it rain.

As a group, we've all sort of realized this week is going to eat us alive. We've gotten used to late nights together at the office, the occasional outburst of swearing... or crying. And in the meantime we do the best we can to try and keep things moving. Because at some point, when you hit that pinnacle of business... it's all you can do-- just keep treading water and keeping your fingers crossed for the moment when it all finally lets up.

Every rainstorm has to end sometime.

And in the meantime-- I'm lucky enough to work with a quirky, funny, fantastic group of women (and men) who manage to find humor and support in the midst of all this hellishness. So as one of our rain-buckets overflows... someone is there to offer support, encouragement, a new bucket... a meltdown tiara (yes, we have an actual tiara). We're learning to let it rain and work through it together.

So pull on your rain boots ladies and gentleman... cause summer moving season-- isn't over yet.

Day 63/365

I'm still struggling with the whole notion of beauty. My beauty specifically. I have no trouble recognizing everyone else's beauty. Even in people the rest of the world ignores... I still find something lovely. But when I look in the mirror--

Well, I'm not supposed to be looking in the mirror-- not for concentrated amounts of time really. And in truth, I've felt better with my new glasses.. and today I got my hair cut so I feel a little better still but I know I need to look further than that.

I liked this quote... the full text of which reads:

"Beautiful light is born of darkness, so the faith that springs from conflict is often the strongest and the best."

And I know that the quote is really speaking more of faith than of beauty-- but it struck me nonetheless. For years after I was abused I used food as comfort, I ate out of fear and loneliness and sadness. And beneath all of that... I ate to build a fortress. To turn my body into a guard. With every pound I added protection, against invasion, against interest, against attention, against affection. At some point my subconscious decided the safest way to keep him... or anyone really, from touching me was to create a body that was undesirable, that was too large to be sought after.

It worked. Too well perhaps, as here I am more than 20 years later... still guarded by the walls I've built with my body. Only now it's not that no-one would want me... it's that I'm too embarrassed by the body I've created to allow anyone in. I have "struggled" with my weight (officially) since I was about 15 years old. But even before that, even before I was considered medically overweight, I carried the sensation of being too large, too big, too unattractive. And maybe that was just a construct of my mind-- trying to protect myself. Because the truth is you can see when a person feels ugly-- even if they aren't actually unattractive. It's in the way they act, the way they walk, carry themselves. It's in the way they stick to the edges of a room, avoid eye contact. It's in self-depricating humor, in their ability to be invisible.

And for me, invisibility was protection. But I don't need it anymore. SuperTherpaist believes that once I'm able to accept and more importantly, LOVE my body in the state it's currently in-- in the form that protected me, that guarded me-- that once I can do that then a release will happen. That once I can accept and appreciate it as it is for protecting me all those years, that I'll stop feeling like I need it. That the piece of me that's blocked and holding onto those walls will fall away-- and my weight with it.

I suppose this quote is as good a jumping off point as any-- to recognize that the body I carry with me, in the state that it's in now is beautiful-- and made so by the sheer fact that it carried me to this day, to this point in my life. That this body is beautiful because of the darkness it was created in, the darkness that it allowed me to survive. My faith IS stronger because of everything I've been through-- why not my own love for myself? I have to find a way to make this click. It's so easy to sit and write about it, to think it. But somehow, somewhere the words aren't resonating for me yet. I need to believe it but I don't. I guess this is still just another work in progress.

Day 11/365

One of the things my therapist has said several times is that emotions are, at their core-- transient. The idea that emotional states, particularly negative ones were not etched permanently into my psyche was new to me.

In my experience only the happy emotions were temporary, always giving way to my roots of anxiety, fear, depression. In the last month or so though, I've realized that I've had that equation backwards. A contented state is what's meant to be our constant, and everything else is transient. Fear and anger, and even sorrow have their place and purpose in our emotional lives, but eventually we are meant to exist in a place where we feel satisfied and at peace within ourselves.

And while I still have my moments (I had some today a bit out of nowhere in fact), I am starting to not just understand but BELIEVE that contentment is within my control. It may not happen today, or tomorrow, or even next week. But for the first time in 20 years, it seems to be in my reach and each day I come closer to achieving that base of contentment and peace.

Day 117/365

Therapy night, which of course means: angel cards. Tonight's session was hard. I'm down to every other week, but I was sick and cancelled my last scheduled session. After 3 weeks, I had a bit to talk about... but mostly-- we prepared for something I've been avoiding for a long time.

As a warning, this is probably going to get personal... more personal than usual even. So... consider yourselves warned.

My abuse history has stopped me from doing a lot of things... but probably the most detrimental is that I'm 29 years old and have never been to the gynecologist. (I told you this was going to be personal). I've never been a big fan of doctor's, it's true-- but that particular visit... has quite honestly terrified me for a lot of years. Recently though, I've been experiencing some abnormal symptoms and issues that have forced this to be something I have to do... for my own peace of mind if nothing else.

Between my body issues, and fears leftover from the abuse of years gone by, delving into this in therapy tonight was emotional, and difficult, and yes-- painful. I've accomplished a lot in the last few months, made so much progress. I feel like this is one last (but large) hurdle to having a real sense of peace about myself... about my health, and even about my body.

At the end of the session of course it was time to pull my "angel card." And after almost an hour and a half of discussing resistance, and reluctance and fear... discussing and crying over my hesitation to change and move forward through this particular issue... it was no surprise that the card I drew this week was "change."

And as Supertherapist giggled (supportively I will admit), she read me the book entry for the "change" card. I won't reprint the whole entry, but there were a few lines that really jumped out at both of us after our discussion tonight:

"Move with the Divine Plan as it unfolds before you. Change means choice. Be open and prepared to go with the flow. Take an active part in the changes in your life.

"You may already know that it is time for a change. Don't hold onto the past out of the fear of the unknown. If you are holding on to things past their time, the Universe usually steps in to provide an unexpected possibility. Often this appears as an unpleasant change. Just know that you are constantly being nudged in the right direction, so you can experience your greatest and highest good.

"As opportunities present themselves just trust yourself and try to overcome the forces of resistance."

So that's what I'm doing. I'm learning to trust myself, to accept that to truly change I have to make choices... that sometimes those choices may not be pleasant, or even comfortable. But if I want to break away from what has haunted me... I have to move forward and break through-- and trust that on the other side of change is where I am truly supposed to be. And trust that maybe the issues I've been having, the physical discomfort, the symptoms... may be the universe.. nudging me towards this final step. I trust not just myself, but Him, and indeed-- the universe as a whole.

I choose to trust it all.

Day 59/365

I picked up this Phoenix pendant at Hobby Lobby hesitantly. It's not one I would probably wear because it's fairly small by my standards.. and I thought the way it was molded it almost looks like it's lost its wings.

But tonight as I was reflecting on the last few weeks (again), I went digging through my project box and found this Butterfly cutout. And as I was shuffling I happened to place the pendant on top of the cutout and realized how appropriate the fused image really was.

Mythologically speaking, the Phoenix is a symbol of rebirth and renewal. And although I've never really ascribed to the notion of a "spirit animal," I can't help but relate to that.

For years, I regretted being damaged. Being wounded. Being all of the darker parts of myself that I feared would never fade away. But in truth, though I am still very much a work in progress-- I have risen from those ashes. Again, and again, and again-- as mentioned a few days ago.

And yes, I am damaged. But that is not all I am. And more importantly, because I AM damaged-- I'm something much more important: A survivor.

I have survived. And I will continue to survive everything that is thrown at me because I know I can. I don't simply believe it, I KNOW it.

Model: Maduro

Location: New Orleans, LA

To commemorate an important trip to New Orleans during Mardis Gras, Maduro got some voodoo tattoos.

www.octofoil-records.com/artists_maduro.htm

Day 192/365 June 28th, 2011

There aren't really words for how tired I am. Late night last night, late night tonight. Late night tomorrow night no doubt. It's more than just meeting our goal-- we're way beyond that to be honest. There are a core group of us at work who are determined to not just exceed our goal, but to blow our booking record out of the water. Sometimes that means working late, getting our hands dirty, calling customers and reminding them they can change their dates later, asking accounts for more moves.

It can be exhausting and frustrating, but even as late as we stayed tonight, as we watched our total rise, we knew that we were cementing all of our new help, that we were creating our own security, building the future of our company-- for ourselves.

This quote though, for me, is about so much more than work. I stopped this week, more than once, to consider just how far I've come in the last year. I thought about how I felt last year, stuck in the office until 7, 8, even 9 o'clock, desperate to not drown. I thought of lonely nights, turning the lights out behind me, depressed and frustrated and terrified that I just wouldn't be able to do enough.

And tonight, as a few of us walked out together, tired but laughing and joking and resolving to beat the company's booking record, I smiled and realized it's not just about how far I've come-- although that's a big part of it-- but how far our company has come. In all honesty there are only 3 of us there who experienced ALL of last summer too, and while I can't say that everyone who is gone I'm glad of, the team that's in place at my office now is just that-- a team. So much of the work I've been doing myself, emotionally, has allowed me to be a part of that team. To be vibrant and encouraging and involved.

I am, for the first time ever, able to get my hands dirty-- to dive into friendships I would have been too scared to pursue before, to throw myself into work, and outings, and drinks with the girls. I am able to get my hands dirty by actually LIVING my life.

And look at all the wonderful things that are blooming because I have been able to actually participate in my, dirty, messy, exhausting, but oh-so-amazing life.

Day 107/365

Tonight, in truth... this message is really just for me. I don't have any universal words of wisdom, no pervasive truths to share.

I had a hard day, a stressful one. I'm still not feeling well, I'm worn out... and all I want is to learn to be at peace.

So that tomorrow, i can get up and do it all again.

Tonight, in truth-- my heart hurts a little. I miss the people who are gone. I miss my brother, I miss my mom. I miss my dad who's still here but far away. I miss my family who are close but whom i haven't had time to visit lately.

I want to learn to be at peace. Even in moments like these, at times like these. I want to learn to be at peace.

God, grant me the Serenity to accept the things i cannot change, the courage to change the things I can... and the wisdom to know the difference.

Grant me Peace, even if it's just for the night.

Day 102/365

This was a rough week, as evidenced by the fact that 5 days worth of photos are going up in one night. By the time I got up Monday morning, I had a fever, and the beginnings of a really stellar cough. It pretty much went downhill from there.

I'm always more self-conscious when I'm sick, especially with something that induces coughing because I just get so ... aware of me in my environment.

I saw this quote at one point this week and it resonated for me, at least for a moment. The truth is just that-- people are going to judge you. It's what we do as humans, unfortunately. We judge.

I spend enough time judging myself without wasting more time worrying about other people's judgements. At least, that's sort of the space I'd like to clear in my head about it. In truth, I'd like to get to a place where I spend less time judging myself as well... but as with so many things-- that's simply a work in progress.

The point is, aside from ... first impressions, job interviews, those fleeting critical moments when what someone thinks of you can in fact make a difference in your pathway... who cares what someone decides about you? Who cares what judgements they cast on you? Unless someone is willing to know you beyond their snap judgements-- they're not worth worrying about to begin with.

Day 12/365

Today I had the good fortune of being able to leave work early and head out to visit my family. Although they live fairly close, I don't get out to see them as much as I'd like. In the last year my schedule has gotten a bit crazy, between work, photography, and ever-expanding friendships, time is something I never seem to have enough of.

I was reminded today during some down-time, just how fortunate I am in the way of Family. I am blessed to have been loved, wanted, and known by 2 sets of family. As a reunited adoptee, I lived for 22 years with my adoptive parents (My mom died in 2004, but my father and I are closer than ever), and shortly after my adopted mother's death in 2004, I sought out and found my birth mom, her parents, and my half-brother.

And although 6, almost 7 years later we are still learning about each other, still getting to know each other in many ways-- I am truly truly blessed to have them in my life. As I talked with them about this project specifically, I was reminded how amazing our bond is, despite spending 22 years apart. I share so many traits with them, emotional, creative, physical, psychological-- things that other people find incredible but that we accept as simply more proof of a link we've never needed a blood test to finalize. There is no doubt I am my mother's daughter, that I am my grandmother's granddaughter.

I am blessed that not only have they accepted me as I am, loved me for who I am, and given me the roots of my past to ground me... but that they have allowed me to spread my wings and fly my own path as well. And for that, I am extremely grateful.

Day 54/365

Another night in therapy, another revelation. These words seem to sort of ... sum up my session tonight. The idea that I need to not believe everything I think.

Tonight my therapist equated my thoughts to my cutting-- specifically my negative self-talk. And in all honesty when she first said it, I was floored. I had never thought to equate the two before. But in truth, haven't I always told others that verbal abuse was still abuse? Why do I hold my own abuse to different standards?

My negative self-talk, negative thoughts seem to swim through my head like fish in a current. In truth, I hardly notice them anymore. I have been working on being more aware of them, working on trying to replace them-- but the refrain of "not enough" is something that is so deeply enmeshed in me that I don't even notice it anymore. Nevertheless, the thoughts remain... and they continue to be damaging.

And that was the point really-- aren't the many ways I think myself not enough, that I think myself unworthy, that I think myself not beautiful, not hardworking enough, not dedicated enough, not loyal enough, not ... ENOUGH... isn't that constant barrage just as damaging as any blade I ever drew across my skin?

In all honesty, I'm still chewing on that idea. I tried to argue that my self-injury was the worse offense, but now-- now I'm not so sure. A cut is a moment in time, it's 5 minutes and then essentially-- it's over.

My thoughts.. fish in a current that never ends. A cut is purposeful, a thought is so much more insidious for the fact that it goes almost unnoticed-- leaving behind its damage in silence. So now what? Now... I have to be more aware. I have to actually listen to myself-- so I can stop believing it all. The idea is that if I hear the thoughts, really HEAR them, then i can start to rewrite them, I can undo them, I can stop them.

I need to stop believing everything I think. It's time to start fishing for those thoughts and believing once and for all that I AM enough. More than Enough. That I am perfect just as I am.

And once I can believe that, then maybe it won't be so hard to love myself just the way i am too. And that I suppose is really the ultimate goal in all of this. To love myself the way I hope someday that someone else will love me.

Day 75/365

Ok so here's the thing. I have an amazing family. I love them, I see them often (not often enough but often). And I have a plethora of lovely and loving locally based... acquaintances. I call them all my friends because I love them dearly-- but in truth... since we've known each other... I've never really let them get to know me that well. I have a few truly close friends... but only one who is local-- and the others live so far away that we really hardly get to talk at all anymore. But for the friends I have in town... so to speak, I am-- on the outskirts. And I recognize that a lot of that is my doing, not theirs. For years, I turned down invitations because I was too buried in anxiety to go out and get to know people better. And although in the last couple years I've made big strides in that area, I am still sort of.. on the outside of our group.

I've talked before about how hard it is for me to reach out. Especially to my friends. I know that a lot of that is because of the lingering dredges of my anxiety disorder, and some of it is my insecurities because of my body issues. But the fact remains... because I don't reach out, sometimes I struggle. Sometimes... ... ...

Tonight my angel-card was Fulfillment. And while there was a lot of goodness in that card-- this piece of the page really brought tears to my eyes after a session that seemed to be a little overrun by tears. We spent a good portion of therapy tonight talking about how lonely I've felt lately. How lonely I tend to feel in general. I've done a good job of isolating myself over the years, but now I'm starting to be in a better place. I'm starting to mold a life that i'm happy with and I have hope that someday... I'll even love and approve of MYSELF... that someday I'll even love my body as impossible as that still seems sometimes.

I lived a different kind of life because of my anxiety, because I spent so many years trying to be invisible. Because of all of that, I didn't have the same social experiences that others my age did. I am, in a truly literal sense-- socially retarded. Unfortunately, now when I really want to go out and meet people and expand my circle, my decidedly lacking social skills make me even more insecure. And even now, I find it so hard to reach out of my comfort zone and say to the friends that I know love me... "I'm lonely and I miss you."

So I don't pick up the phone. I don't send a text. My email outbox stays empty. I don't go out. I don't introduce myself to strangers.

And maybe it's time to really take this message to heart... because no doubt part of what's keeping me from reaching out is that I still don't fully love and approve of myself, which makes it hard for me to ask others to do the same.

If I don't know you well, but you're local-- Hi. I'd like so much to meet you. I'd like so much to get to know you. I only wish I wasn't so afraid to do it.

And if you are my friend... if I haven't seen you in awhile... If we haven't talked in a bit...

I'm lonely. And I miss you. Wanna catch a movie? See a show? Have some coffee? I'm sorry it's taken me so long to let you get to know me.

Day 161/365

Today I went shopping again. I finally got my glasses fixed (remember my trip to the ER a couple weeks ago, where I lost a lens? Yeah, finally got them replaced!), I tried on (but didn't end up buying any) more dresses. I did buy a really pretty headband accented with a peacock feather. At the same time I bought this peacock inspired pendant as well, and though it was very fitting.

As I talked to a friend about my jaunty new headband, I said something along the lines of how much I was really starting to like that my closet was starting to actually have some STYLE, which it's never really had before. I always hid in my clothes before... bag shirts, shapeless jeans, comfy shoes. I liked color, and although I tend to gravitate to blues and greens-- I do have bright springy colors that I wear now and then. But stylish is not really a word I would have used to describe my wardrobe in the past.

I still have a long way to go (as I do in so many things), but with 3 cute dresses to my name, a stylish embellished headband, some cute summery wedge sandals, an infusion of new colors and cuts.... I'm starting to feel like I can actually be SEEN for once.

And I'm ok with that.

Ok, I'm mostly ok with that. I won't lie. I still have moments (a lot of them) when I just... hear those old thoughts. But I have ammunition now. Because I know those old voices are wrong.

I have a laundry list of things about myself that I love, that I appreciate. And yes, my newly discovered "style" is among them. What's not to love?

Day 61/365

At therapy tonight we did, as we always do, the angel cards. And the first card I pulled I ended up putting back (only to catch a peek of the word imagination as I selected another card) because I felt that it wasn't the card I was meant to draw.

And the one I ended up with was Air. Naturally, because I find myself unable to lie to SuperTherapist, I also confessed to having seen the first card-- so we read both entries this evening. And then commenced to laughing rather hysterically as in truth-- they BOTH fit our discussions this evening to an uncanny tee.

We talked a lot about how I balance my time (or rather how I don't), about the dedication and time that I give to work-- not just during work hours, but in stress and worry after I leave the office. We talked about ways to ground myself, to step away from work, and leave it behind me at the end of the day. Finding ways to step outside the office and not have to spend the whole evening "winding down" only to continue to have work on my mind all night.

And we talked about breathing... about taking time to be away from work, and into my OWN headspace, into my OWN time and focus on time for ME that doesn't include thoughts of work. We also talked about the successes that I had this past week, being specific in what I ask the universe for, specific in my prayers. Instead of asking for strength and then wondering why I'm suddenly confronted with 5 million situations that require me to be strong... I'm asking for the strength to make it through the moment I'm in, the strength to stay calm until my day is over. I'm starting to really ask for what I need. And the results have been startling.

And I do believe that I'm starting to see things turn around because of that. Supertherapist once told me, never ask for patience... because what you'll get... is a thousand situations that are designed to teach you to be patient. Be specific when you ask for help from God, or the universe, or whatever your power of choice may be. Because the truth is, they are listening.

Finally, we talked more about my self-talk, about the conversations I have with myself throughout the day. And although I'm making progress (I've started trying especially to banish those moments where I find myself saying, "That was stupid."), I still have a ways to go when it comes to how I speak to myself.

And low and behold, one of the phrases in the the Imagination card note, "Are you creating a negative picture out of self-doubt? Look at what is real and what is not.

The image in your mind today has the potential to manifest and change your tomorrows. Watch your thoughts carefully. You may just get what you've asked for."

So this is my focus right now, the pieces I'm working on actively: Restoring (or rather finding) balance in my life, creating an affirmation of my own to help turn around the negative self-talk that I still struggle with, and being specific in what I request from the universe-- being careful to ask for exactly what I need... and in that way I can assure that I receive it.

But mostly, I'm working on breathing. Allowing the air that surrounds me to soothe me, to bolster me, to center me, to ground me. To remind me that there is more to life than work, that there is more to me than my job. To remind me that I need a balance in my life in order to be truly happy.

Day 93/365

After Thursday I wrote about my decision, finally, to forgive the man that molested me when I was just small girl. And this particular forgiveness isn't like when I forgave my mom. This is so much more complicated than that, the pain so much deeper. It's not something I've been able to accomplish completely yet. But that's ok. I had a feeling this was going to be a little more complicated than some of the other forgiveness pieces I've had to work on.

When I was ready to forgive mom, it happened almost instantaneously, that sensation of freedom, the lifting of weight, the release. But with him.. with him, it's a process.

Each morning I start the same way now. I get in the shower and as I wash away everything that happened yesterday, everything that bothered me in the night, I say the same thing over and over again, "I forgive you so that I can be free. I forgive you so that I can be free. I forgive you so that I can be free."

And when I'm about to turn off the water I say a prayer, "Lord, open my heart to forgive. Let me be ready and willing to release what he did to me. Let me pass the burden of anger and pain on to you, and grant me freedom from the ties that hold me to him"

I'm not quite there yet. I still wake in the morning needing to forgive him. But each day, I feel that burden getting lighter and lighter. You know that feeling when you walk into a room that's been closed up for too long without air? And you open one window, just a crack... and moment by moment you can feel the stale air dissipate, until one day you walk in and the room is transformed... not just usable, but comfortable, light, the air sweet and fresh. That's how I feel about this process. As though my heart is slowly airing out from being too long shut away.

i can feel the changes happening, in the way I feel about other people, the way I feel about myself... and yes, even the way I feel about him.

I'm not there yet. It may take 100 days, even a year, for me to finally truly be rid of him... or maybe tomorrow will be the day i wake up and find that he's gone. But even if I don't-- I know someday I will, and in the meantime I'm starting to enjoy this new lightness, starting to get used to the space that's opening in my heart.

I forgive you so that I can be free.

Model: Maduro

Location: New Orleans, LA

To commemorate an important trip to New Orleans during Mardis Gras, Maduro got some voodoo tattoos.

www.octofoil-records.com/artists_maduro.htm

Day 16/365

I'll admit it, I'm a little OCD. At least, I am when it comes to work. Today was a not-so-fabulous day. I work in a sector where transportation, relocation, and shipping meet and fuse together. During the summer it's basically one of higher leveled circles of hell, but I'm really good at it.

The trouble I have is that I am not a person who leaves things unfinished well. Not at work anyway. To me, doing my best means getting everything finished at the end of the day, or at least wrapped in a neat little bow to be revisited the next day. In my job-- that's just not always possible. In fact, it's frequently impossible. During our busy season, I started working 12 hour days M-F, half days on Saturdays, and almost full days again at home on Sundays. I was going non-stop.

Have you ever been called out for working too much? I have. After a come-to-Jesus with my boss, I cut back my hours to something more reasonable, engaged the services of a therapist (the one I currently see), and accepted that "Not Everything is Going to Get Done. And that's OK."

It was a lesson I needed to be reminded of today as I contemplated staying late at work to finish... just a few more things. At some point, the day has to end. You have accept that you've done as much as you can do, and recognize that you are not required to do EVERYTHING in the course of one 8-hour workday.

Day 100/365

I'm feeling quite punk today. An out-of-nowhere fever last night, and scratchy throat with frequent coughing throughout the day and now another low-grade fever tonight and I'm pretty much done to be honest.

I can't really afford to miss work unless absolutely necessary, so I came home quickly and did last night and tonight's photos as early as possible and made every effort to limit my internet and tv involvement for the night.

This message is a reminder that now, at 10:30, it's time. Time for nyquil, time for bed, time for sleep. Although I think we can all agree, I need to be kind to myself not just in a physical sense but in an emotional one. And in all honesty, I'm getting better at that.

I'm forgiving myself more, upsetting myself less. I'm working on being open and cognizant of my emotions. I'm working on honoring them more.

Working on honoring myself more.

So tonight, I choose to be kind to myself physically. I choose to go to bed and rest my lungs, rest my throat, rest my head. And hopefully tomorrow body and mind will meet once more: if not healthy-- then at least well rested enough to last through the day.

Day 97/365

Unfortunately tomorrow is my Saturday to work, which is less than desirable... but after my half-day of work, I've got a fully booked weekend: a birthday party for a dear friend, a concert for one of my favorite singer/songwriters, and a family photoshoot for another friend.

And instead of getting frustrated or upset that I have to start this weekend with work... I've decided to power through, and focus instead on the wonderful things that await me afterwards. 3 Great opportunities to photograph my friends and loved ones, some valuable time spent with people I love, the chance to hear some really soulful music, and another day to practice what I love.

And that's not to say I don't have reservations. It's a lot of being out in public, a lot of big group shenanigans, and my anxiety does have a say in some of that. But I'm getting better at schooling my thoughts, of choosing how I think about situations before I'm in them.

I'm going to focus on the little things, the parts of the day that bring me joy, laughter, pleasure. And if I can accomplish that, then I can stay my anxiety, stay my self-consciousness... at least until I get home and can process the day on my own.

I need to do this more, find a focus... no matter how small, that will allow me to keep my anxiety and fears at bay. Maybe then I'll enjoy activities more. Maybe I won't. Maybe I'm just a person who prefers smaller gatherings, less adventure rather than more. Maybe I'll always be someone who prefer to stay closer to home. But I'd like to reach a point where the thought of going out, being a large group, being in public, being... seen doesn't scare me, doesn't make me nervous.

So this is my new goal. Focus on the little things. It's the little things I'll remember someday after all... not how scared I was getting ready, not my anxiety's low rumble during an event.... no, it will be the color of the balloons, the laughter of my friends, the unexpectedly wonderful photo that no one else would think to take.

Those are the things I'll remember... because those are the things that are important.

Day 177/365 ... June 13, 2011

Well, Monday comes around once more, reluctantly, hesitantly. But as Monday's go, this could have been worse. At the end of the day I did get to do something I really love-- create. My supervisor's birthday is tomorrow, and while I haven't had much time or energy for my favorite crafty past-time since I started to feel unwell at the beginning of the year-- I was determined to pull it together for this. I love my coworkers, all of them-- coworkers, supervisor, managers, owners... the work I do may not be my favorite of the things I've done in my life, but the People I work with are marvelous. So tonight, after a long day at work (I stayed late to try and finish up a few things) I came home and started to create.

I cut and cropped, I assembled, I embellished. I searched for the right words. I framed a photo, embellished a mat. And when all was said and done, I topped it off by creating my own wrapping paper.

I left enough space in the hand-made card for everyone in the office to sign, and went to bed happy. When I'm gift-crafting I feel at peace in a way I don't usually... to a degree that sometimes surprises even me. I've said before I take a lot of care and pride in the gifts that I give. Partly because they come from ME at every level. If you're in my immediate orbit you know the classic SarahCate gift duo. Handmade Card featuring a 4x6 or 5x7 SarahCate original Print, and a matching framed photo. Sometimes I'll embellish the mat of the larger print with a verse, or phrase, or quote that mirrors the card as well, but most often, it's just an 8x10 print of the photo.

I choose them for each friend or loved one or family member and it's not something that's done overnight. A lot of thought goes into the selection of each print. Sometimes I focus on something appropriate to the occasion (wish related for birthdays, or holiday themed for Christmas), sometimes a particular photo resonates with a specific friend or loved one. I chose a print of dandelion fluff for my supervisor, and spent the rest of the evening assembling and creating a gift that would be listed from all of us. I don't mind sharing the credit. I didn't ask anyone, didn't take any money towards it. Why should I? I'd have put it together anyway.

These gifts are as much a present to me as they are the receiver really. I love to create something beautiful and lasting. More than just the photographs I take, I love to use them to create something that will warm someone's heart. The message on my supervisor's gift, "May your joys outnumber your wishes," a message I may use in this project someday soon.

And as I went looking for some inspiration for this project, I found the quote, "Let the Beauty you Love be what you Do." How fitting. After I finished wrapping the gift in my self-designed wrapping paper, I talked with my godmother and said I wished so much I could just... have my own shopfront. I could sell my artwork, create hand-made cards and jewelry all day, and spend my days surrounded by and creating beauty.

In the meantime, I relish days like today... when I can do what I LOVE in unique and creative ways.

Day 105/365

In the last year, I've learned a lot about myself... and in the last 105 days I've learned even more, even more quickly. This project has sort of been... self-therapy on steroids. And while I'm still working on a lot of things... the further I go the more sure of some things I become. I know what I want. I know what I want from my life, from myself, from my career.

I also know what I'm capable of. I know my skills, my talents, my gifts. And yet I am constantly doubting. Constantly believing that I can't do things, that I can't accomplish what I want. But deep down- I know better. I know.

I know that I am strong. That I am smart. That i am driven. That I am passionate. I know that I am talented. And I know that in 5 years-- No. I know that within ONE year... I will be on my way to making my dreams come true. Because I know what I want, and I know that this project will help me get there.

All I need to do is banish that flotsam of bad times, of bad years, of bad days and moments and heartaches... all I have to do is clear out the crap that floats around trying to convince me that I am not enough. I know who I am.

I know what I want.

And I know that my life will be what I want it to be. Because I'm exactly the right person to make it so. I will stop listening to that voice. I will stop listening to the doubt and fear and anxiety and start recognizing that who I am is enough to accomplish everything that I want to accomplish.

I will start listening to what I. Know. And that alone will change my life completely.

Day 9/365

For most of my life I've used my weight to become invisible... feeling that being invisible would protect me from being hurt. Today for some reason, I've been feeling an urge to be invisible. Probably because of the attention I've been getting from making this project public. Sometimes moving forward comes with unexpected side effects.

I am working on being more visible in my world. Mostly because these days when I think of all those years of invisibility-- all I can equate it to was constantly feeling as though I barely existed at all.

No more invisibility. It's time for me to SHINE.

Day 118/365

In therapy this week I was talking about work, and about jobs I've had, the job I have, and what I want from my career. It was a brief discussion as other things came up that were more pressing to deal with. But in the course of our discussion I said, "I'm just not ambitious. " And when the words first fell from my lips I felt a little ashamed. As though my lack of ambition equated laziness, or an unwillingness to work.

But that's not the case for me. To most people, most "adults" I think that ambition means getting a job, clawing your way to the top, then staying there for 30 or 40 years until you're finally granted the release of retirement. The ambition is to get the best job you can at the start, then work and strive, and prove that you were not just worth hiring, but are worth promoting.

And the truth is... I don't want that. I don't have visions of being in the upper echelons of some office, barking orders and making decisions. I just don't. I never have. I want a job I can do, and DO WELL, that I can excel at... until I don't need to work for someone else anymore.

I don't want to devote my life to someone else's company. I don't want to devote my life to someone else's quest for success or riches or status. I want to be a good worker-- until I don't have to work anymore... and I do believe that day will come.

What I realized is that it's not that I have no ambition-- it's that my ambition is not the same as everyone else's. This project is my ambition. This is my starting point. These photos, the words, the ideas behind them. And every photo I take, be it a sunset at the lake, a landing dove in silhouette, a laughing child, the chain link of a squeaking swing. This is my ambition.

This is what I strive to be every day. An artist, a photographer, a creator. Even a visionary. My ambition is to see a day where my only office is me and my camera in my car... driving to wherever the wind takes me... stopping at a desk only long enough to edit and order prints, to organize and plan a show.

My ambition is not like "most adults" because I am not most people. My life has given me a different path and a different ending point.

And my lack of typical ambition does not mean I'm lazy, or unwilling to work hard. Whatever job I have until I make my own way I will do-- I will do to the best of my ability, I will work hard, be dedicated, I will give my all.

Until someday, MY ambition comes into play and I am no one's employee but my own. I will step away from corporate ladders, and create for myself a tree... full of life and a view of something truly beautiful.

Day 5/365

I often have trouble taking compliments, I tend to dwell on feeling "not enough"... not good enough, not talented enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough, not smart enough.

This year I am dropping "ENOUGH" from my vocabulary.

Day 43/365

Something we talked about when I first started therapy was the way I talk to and treat myself vs. the way I talk to and treat others. In truth, when it comes down to Me... I am mean. Vicious at times. Vicious most of the time really. I am critical, mean, and unforgiving. At least I was. This is one of the things I am constantly trying to change, working constantly to readjust the vocabulary I use when I look in the mirror.

This week, my therapist's advice was actually to avoid the mirror. If I can't look in it and speak kindly, if I can't look in it and be gentle with myself, be positive-- then I should avoid it altogether. At first I thought that was a little loopy... but then today as I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, listing my faults, seeing fat, and wrinkles, and stretch marks, and droops and bags and zits and the myriad of things that are "wrong" with me... I realized she may be on to something.

Now, I have come along way... there was a time (not so long ago) when all I saw in the mirror was a monster-- to the point that I actually COULDN'T look in the mirror most of the time. Now, I can. Now, I just see... well-- not a monster at least. But perhaps it would be best if I avoided the mirror until I can look at myself and speak the sort of kindness that I speak to others. I don't judge other people the way I judge myself- I never have. Why am I so much more loving to everyone else than I am to myself?

Pink's new song has a line, "Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead." And that's my constant battle. To change the person in my head that is constantly dissatisfied with herself. To challenge her to be as kind to ME as she is to everyone else that crosses her path.

So, I'm not going to look in the mirror. I'm going to start infusing my body with love and gentleness... and when I feel that I can give voice to that kindness and love, when I can look in and see the value that others see when they look at me, then I will face myself and be better not because my outside will necessarily have changed-- but because my inside will have.

Day 154/365

I had a GREAT night tonight. Seriously. I went to the first burlesque show I've been to in months. i've been so sick I haven't had the energy to even go to a show, much less to photograph one. So tonight was a big event. The Dallas Hot Rods and Heels show is a major event around here, with amazing new and new-to-DFW acts, awards, vendors, even a small classic car show beforehand.

We skipped the car show, and just went to the Burlesque portion of the evening and in typical fashion, I did my shooting without flash from the cheap seats. Part of that is because I'm too shy and self-conscious to ask if I can stand at the stage edge with the pros, but part of it is that I LIKE my view. I like to catch the sets from the audience, to show the performances as the audience gets to see them.

And tonight, photographing the show was like... seeing an old friend after a time away. Familiar, friendly, fun. And from a portfolio perspective, it's easily the best show-photography I've done so far. Some of the shots are really truly beautiful and I am so proud to claim them as mine. I felt like an artist again tonight. And it's been awhile... since I started feeling sick... since I really had that connection.

Tonight, I felt like this again, I felt this quote in every pore. I believed in myself again, in my art, in my passion... in MYSELF. And I know that there are people in my life that believe in me too, who have believed in me even in the times when I didn't. But tonight, I believed.

And it was beautiful.

Day 48/365

This has been a difficult week. Between the weather and work, a paycheck delayed by weather-- it's made me think about signs. About the messages the universe, or God, or whatever you happen to believe in, sends out to us to tell us when it's time to move on in our lives.

When I was living in Oregon, my whole life was work and my mom. When she died, despite numerous offers of places to live, and new places to go, I stubbornly stayed where I was... essentially alone. The only people I had there, really, was the family of her fiancee. And as lovely as they are, I was in a place in my life where I couldn't reach out, couldn't make myself ask them for help, or company, or the love that I needed.

And I ignored all the signs, all the offers, all the questions, all the concerns. I stayed. For 2 years after her passing I held on expecting... I don't know... to see her come around the corner in the grocery store. To hear her walking in the door.

But after 2 years I couldn't ignore the signs anymore. I couldn't turn a deaf ear to the offers, the insistence that I leave. Because in 2 years i had essentially driven myself mad. I had a breakdown, a big one. And at the end of it all, I saw the answer that had been chasing me all along-- leave.

And here I am, almost 5 years later, settled happily in Texas, pursuing my dreams, surrounded by family, and friends, and animals too. Relishing in a rare snow day and preparing to walk the frozen neighborhood with my camera.

Why? Because at some point I was ready to see the signs, and follow them. It isn't that the signs weren't there for 2 years... but that I wasn't ready. Life doesn't give you the Virgin Mary on toast to move you, but sometimes it forces you to have a breakdown so you can open your eyes to your new path.

Day 34/365

The full quote I found that inspired this photo was "Forgiveness is choosing to love. It is the first skill of self-giving love." In truth, it was the "self-giving love" that really spoke to me. We tend to treat forgiveness as something we give as a gift to others, specifically to the people we're choosing to forgive. But it's not just a gift to those we forgive, for often they didn't even know they've been forgiven-- if they even knew there was something to forgive.

In truth, for the things that hurt us most, and longest.... we're so far removed from our aggressors by the time we forgive that it isn't actually something we do for them. It's something we do for ourselves. The act of forgiveness imparts an act of love (the self-giving love I think Gandhi was speaking of), but I don't think that love necessarily goes to the person being forgiven. In a lot of cases it does, and should! But I think that love also goes to the forgiver.

Yesterday I spoke words of forgiveness to a mother who's been gone for almost 7 years... and felt a flood of peace and love in my own heart. Self-giving love. Unbidden, unasked for, unrequested, and all I did was speak the words-- and mean them.

So I say as my final (for now) thought on forgiveness: choose. to. love.

Even if the only one you can choose to love-- is yourself.

Day 159/365

Tonight was therapy night, which, among other things, means it was Angel Card night. We talked a lot about the good things that have been happening... inside out. About the way my self-perception is finally changing, becoming more-- realistic, more hopeful, more kind. We talked about the limitations I've set for myself for this summer at work.

And we talked about the amazing change that seems to have sort of washed over me in this last week. And it should come as no surprise, that tonight's card was "Water." And rather than wax poetic about it all, I'm just going to do what I've done before... add the card interpretation below, part of which inspired the above letter.

"This is a powerful card. Be fluid in your thoughts. There is great power in water, if you channel it in a positive direction.

Drawing this card can mean an end to your troubles. In a sink-or-swim situation, keep your chin up. Do not panic. Relax and allow yourself to rise above the situation.

Water represents emotions. Perhaps a good cry is what you need to release pent up emotions. Release and let go with love. you'll feel better.

Water is also a purifier. A good time to look honestly at situations and clean up any loose ends. Water reflects. What is life reflecting back to you? Is it good or bad?

Water is the sustainer of all life. Know you have the strength to endure and that outside energies support you.

A time to give and take equally. Ebb and flow with life's tides.

Search for the depth of understanding and watch out for tricky undercurrents. Many levels may be going on at once.

Remain sound and confident. Check for energy leaks.

Spirits are calling you to interact in some way with water. Swim; go to the lake or ocean. Even a relaxing bath or shower can clear your mind and be rejuvenating. Connect with the healing touch of Spirit."

I'm leaning to do this better and better everyday, rolling with the waves as they come in, staying confident and calm, knowing that I am strong. How incredibly far I've come since I started in therapy almost a year ago. Super-Therapist asked tonight, did I imagine, a year ago, that I'd be in this kind of space?

No, never.

And it feels amazing. It feels pure and clean and new. And wonderful.

Day 150/365

To a certain extent, this goes along with last night's letter. I said (briefly) that I feel like I've made a shift.

I used to panic. Freak out. Self-destruct. 99% of my thoughts were either negative, self-damning, or self-loathing. Any setback was a complete setback. Throughout my days I fought with that voice in my head that rang constantly with "not good enough, smart enough, pretty enough, thin enough, dedicated enough, kind enough, generous enough, talented enough." And day in and day out I believed it.

I fell over and over again for the same old negativity, and in turn-- ended up in the same desperate cycle of anxiety and depression and self-destruction.

But I realized yesterday, and continued to marvel today... that things really have changed in my head. Things have changed in me.

I won't say I'm 100% better. I won't say I don't still fight that voice, that I don't still have moments when "stupid, fat, lazy, ugly" don't float through my mind. But Instead of letting them roam free... I stop them. I spit them out, I replace them. I create new tapes, new repetitions, new mantras.

I have taken my 59,999 negative, limited thoughts, and replaced them... replaced a lot of them with something else. And maybe some of my recent health issues have helped with this. Because it forced me to see how good things HAVE been recently. It forced me to see how much better things had gotten before I stopped feeling well.

But it's ok. Because I'm starting to feel better (thankfully). I know what IS wrong and that it can (and will) be fixed. And in the meantime, where it really matters, the shift has been made. My thoughts don't control ME anymore, Mostly now, I control them.

And I choose to believe better about myself than I used to. I choose to fight that quiet, ever shrinking voice that wants to say I'm not enough. I choose to believe that voice is wrong. And one by one by one, I take back the 59,999 thoughts that used to have power over me. I choose better.

Delicious (via Foodspotting)