Day 156/365

This little crystal embellished sticker made me think of... jumping into a whirlpool for some reason. Last week things did start to ramp up a little at work, and I knew, this being the week before a holiday that it was only going to get crazier. And for some reason last night I got really really anxious about work today. I had nightmares about customers and late cars, and for the first time all year I really felt the kind of intense anxiety I had last summer.

I started thinking in old ways... thinking I can't do this, I can't make it through another summer, I can't handle the workload, the stress, the hours. I woke up terrified this morning, barely able to breathe. And I took a few minutes before I got out of bed, took some deep, carefully counted breaths, and reminded myself of the ... resolutions (if you will) that I made before the summer started. That I wasn't going to let work destroy me. That I wasn't going to let work run my summer, or my life. That I was going to only work as long as necessary... that I would end the day at a reasonable hour and accept that I just can't finish EVERYTHING each day. That I was going to limit the number of Saturdays I spent in the office.

And I realized that I was basing my fear on something that happened BEFORE, in a completely different atmosphere. Granted, it was the same job-- but so much has changed since last summer. The way we handle orders, handle accounts, what we handle, WHO we handle. All of it is different. On top of that, there are more of us there to work the orders.

This is not the same setup as last year. I was still anxious when I went to work but I went anyway. I plugged through, I reminded myself of all of that as the day progressed and even though it WAS busy, and I was a little swamped... I made it. I stuck with it. And I decided awhile ago that I would stick with this job in general. I wondered, as summer started to creep back into our consciousness-- if I should. Or if I should look for something that required less... stress. That required less availability. But the thing is, as much as I'm not a huge fan of the job itself-- I love the people I work with, the people I work for. And now that we've switched everything around, I like my accounts too, my clients, their customers.

It's not perfect, what job is? But for now, this is the right place for me to be. And just because it scares me sometimes... doesn't mean it's any less right. So day after day I jump. Afraid, anxious, stressed-- I jumped. Because I know that it's worth it.

Sometimes I forget, that you can be afraid and functional. For so many years the two concepts were almost mutually exclusive for me. But they're not anymore. I do plenty of things I'm afraid of these days. Heck, I wore a dress in public this weekend. I'm JUMPING all over the damn place!

Day 111/365

Throughout my years, I've spent a lot of time wishing to be different. Wishing to be thinner, smarter, more patient, more generous, happier, slower to anger, quicker to forgive, prettier, more outgoing... the list of "I wish I wases" could go on for miles.

But the truth is, Dr. Seuss said it best:

"Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You."

One of the things I'm learning, day by day, photo by photo even... is that I am a remarkable person. Unique, creative, empathetic, and I have a way of seeing the world around me that a lot of people don't.

I brought one of my canvas prints into work today to show my coworker... and as people ooh'd and aaah'd over the shot, it reminded me once again that I am, at my core, a good photographer above all else. I see things other people don't notice, I capture pieces of life and nature that people pass by without even seeing. How wonderful is that? What a blessing to be Me, with my eyes, and my vision, and my passion too.

Today I am me. And there is no one alive who is me-er than me. Why should I wish for something different than who I am?

I can't say I'm 100% there yet... but I am getting close, closer and closer to being good... just the way I am. And even if there are parts of me that I still have trouble accepting... and yes, even loving... I can accept and love that I am a unique and marvelous human being... and that there is no one in the world who is quite like me.

Day 82/365

Today I got a really nice compliment from a dancer I've photographed at several shows. She's an amazing performer and has been photographed by some really talented artists. So to have her to say I have a great eye, and that she's been honored to be one of my subjects meant a lot to me.

I know I have talent as a photographer. I know that as an artist, I have something unique, and in time (I hope) sellable. But sometimes, it's nice to hear it from someone who isn't required to encourage me by laws of family or friendship.

Sometimes, I get frustrated with how little I know, with learning by trial and error, with not being as skilled as some that I would otherwise consider my peers. Add to that the fact that I'm my own worst and most vicious critic and sometimes, I forget that it's ok not to know everything. Not to have mastered everything. The thing is, no matter what you do, no matter what field you're in, no matter what passions you pursue, no one was an expert from the start. You don't pick up a brush and start out as Rembrandt.

For someone who is 95% self-taught, I think I'm doing pretty damn well to be quite honest. I have a lot to learn. Granted. But I have a unique vision of the world that surrounds me. I have the potential to someday LIVE off of something that makes me deeply and sublimely happy. Something creative, something interesting, something I excel at even without formal training.

So today, I offer thanks... to those that encourage me, to those that support me, to those that constantly remind me that I AM good at what I'm doing. And to those that let me shoot from the cheap seats, practicing, honing, learning... creating art from their art.

I'm an amateur now, but I won't be forever.

Day 190/365, June 26th, 2011

I was always fairly single-minded in my life, or at least I appeared to be. It's easy to be single-minded though when you don't really have any dreams of your own. I've said before that my real dream, the ultimate dream, is to be able to support myself with my art (yes, that's right I don't JUST photograph my hand), and I still have every intention of doing that.

But recently, I started toying with other ideas too. Allowing light to shine on other dreams. Old ones, new ones. Small ones, bigger ones.

And at first I got a little flustered, there's one new LOUD dream floating around in all that and I started to wonder-- do I have to choose? Do I have to focus on one single pathway and pursue it doggedly to the exclusion of everything else?

And it occurred to me today that the way I've processed my hopes and dreams in the past doesn't really apply to my life anymore, or at least it doesn't have to. My adopted mom was, in her own way, a very focused person, very driven. And when it came to my future, she had very definitive idea of what my dreams should be. And I went along with it for -- well, most of my life because it never occurred to me that I deserved dreams of my own. I spent a lot of years focused on music, piano lessons, organ lessons, a music major. And for a lot of that time I was really unhappy with that path, but I never said anything. It was my dream to be a musician, because it was her dream for me to be a musician and there was no room in either of our visions for anything outside that path.

These days though, I make my own dreams, form my own path. And this weekend I realized there is room in my life for more than one dream. Just because my ultimate goal hasn't yet come to pass, doesn't mean that I can't start building the foundations for another besides. And maybe that's one of the greatest gifts I can give myself-- permission to, the ability to, the passion to have more than one dream for my future.

Once upon a time, I thought just having one dream to call my own was incredible, now... now my dreams are limitless. And the ones that are meant to come true-- will. Because I'll have the passion and determination to make them so. Dreams are a gift that I give myself and that I give to my future-- whatever it may turn out to be.

Day 163/365

You know, the thing that's kind of sad about all this, is that I've always seen so much beauty in the world around me. I'm the girl that photographs the kelly green chain link of a swingset at the lake. I'm the girl that brings a dandelion bloom inside and photographs it in my desktop studio with lilac cardstock in the background. I'm the girl that sees beautiful things to photograph everywhere I go.

But it took me a long time to see that there was beauty on MY side of the camera too. I used to tell my friends and family I wouldn't be in photos. I sink away from other people's cameras, I forced promises from friends that they won't photograph me without asking. I told my best friend not long ago that if I got to a point where I lost 50 lbs... she would be allowed. But then I lost 40... and I still didn't feel comfortable with it.

I don't know if I'll ever feel completely comfortable being IN photos, instead of taking them. But I'm trying now at least. I did some self-portraits in my new purple dress shortly after purchasing it. And I don't hate them, which is kind of amazing. So I made a resolution, I'm going to stop running from having my picture taken. I'm not going to flat out volunteer-- but if I'm with friends and they want a photo to be taken... I won't refuse anymore.

It's time to move past this limit for me. And maybe if I can open myself up to having my own picture taken... it will add some additional perspective to the photos I take. It can't hurt.

It's time to recognize that beauty is not just AROUND me... but is also WITHIN me.

Day 167/365

I wore another dress today. One of my new sundresses. And about halfway through the day the heat finally got to me. Our office has multiple climates (as do so many offices). i apparently live in the Saharan zone. Since I tend to run on the warm side anyway, that means I keep 2 fans on my desk, and drink lots of cold fluids during my workday.

But today I just got to a point where the only thing left to do was take off my over-shirt and exercise my fourth amendment rights.

That's right, I bore my arms. My new sundresses have no sleeves. Today was the first day I've really done that in public. At least, outside of a quick run through a drive through anyway. And at first I resisted, I just didn't think I could deal with it. See I know no one there will judge me, and I've made a lot of progress in the whole... body-issue arena, but at the same time there are definitely parts of my body I'm not comfortable with and my arms are on that list.

But it occurred to me that if I'm going to keep moving forward, I have to learn to accept all the little pieces that I haven't yet. Because at some point I either have to actually CHANGE, or self-destruct completely. And quite frankly, I think I've done my time on self-destruct already. More than my share of it in fact.

So I took off the shirt. And I let my body breathe. And the only commentary I got was kudos for how cute my dress looked on me.

Because the only one I know who has a problem with the way I LOOK-- is and has always been: me.

So now I change. One day at a time. One step at a time. Maybe even one outfit at a time. But no matter how it happens, I choose change.

Day 146/365

I did something unusual today. I let go. I went out with coworkers after work. I had a few (ok, a lot) of drinks. And I stopped holding myself together so tightly. It's been such a stressful few months-- since the beginning of the year really. Usually when "the gang" goes out, it's either during the week or I just feel like I'm not... I don't know. I guess I've always been so awkward around people my age that it's hard for me to imagine fitting in.

When I'm out with them at work dinners and such, I always feel so careful, and so guarded-- trying to be whoever and whatever I'm supposed to be as a 29-year old Corporate Professional... trying to be youthful and interesting, but also interested in our business and goals and protocols.

So today, I just... gave in. I went to the bar. I got drunk. I took shots, I drank beer, I laughed and joked and let down my hair (metaphorically speaking). I stopped worrying about being in control.

And it was great. I had fun. I let loose a little bit. I let people get to know ME a little bit better.

And yes, it was a beautiful thing. To just let. go.

Day 81/365

I go through cycles where I have a lot of difficulty sleeping. Falling asleep, staying asleep, pretty much anything sleep related eludes me completely.

Right now, I'm in that cycle. I've been in the insomniac swing for almost a month now and I'm exhausted. So instead of spending hours coming up with something creative, and insightful, and inspiring... My message is more of a directive. I refuse to get sucked into the tv, the internet, the phone. I'm not going to try and be especially creative, and I'm going to assume that all that I love will survive without my effervescent internet personality for 1 night.

I have one chore to do, 2 sleeping pills (recommended dosage don't worry) laid out, and the lights already down low. As soon as I get this locked and loaded, and complete my chore, I am going to bed. Hours before I normally even try. Because I am worn out, I'm exhausted. And if I don't find a way to FORCE myself to sleep, I'm going to flip out. I'm just. that. tired.

So, goodnight, sleep tight, and hopefully I'll see MYSELF in the morning, awake, alert, and feeling like myself again.

And tomorrow, perhaps I'll have the energy for a more interesting note, a more visually stimulating message. But for now...

zzzzzzzzzz

Day 131/365

Today, I just needed a reminder to keep my balance. I'm working hard not to get stopped by stress at work, not to get stopped by physical issues, not to get stopped by frustration.

I had a hard time with this today. Because the CT scan required fasting for 4 hours prior, I didn't time my pain pills correctly and by the time I laid down for the relatively simple and stress-free test, I was back in pain. They did 2 scans, one without, and one with contrast. And as she injected the iodine for the contrast test... I lost my balance a little.

Not physically of course, but mentally, emotionally. I had a moment of panic, a moment of fear and I stopped moving forward. I let pain and stress and anxiety wash over me and ended up having to do the contrast scan twice-- because the first one was blurred by my shaking.

I had to remind myself that everything was going to be ok, had to force myself to look forward, to move forward mentally, emotionally. I calmed myself, tried to find my balance again and made it through.

At home, I snagged a quick dinner, took my pain pills and reassured myself that everything is going to be ok. And now, I embrace this day's image and remind myself to keep moving because keeping moving is going to help me keep my balance no matter what comes my way.

Day 158/365

I started out with different words in this letter. A quote. But I was so charmed by this little sticker I found that this short little missive just.. tumbled from my lips and out from the pen in my hand. I don't know what it is exactly that changed, but something definitely has. And maybe it's not permanent. Maybe it's just part of the fluctuations of this process... but I don't think it's that.

When I woke up this morning... I felt... good. Hopeful. Happy. I didn't exactly look forward to work, but I didn't dread it either. And I felt cute, looked at my reflection and was happy. I know this whole, loving my body thing is a process, a work in progress. But I think this is the first time that I've been able to approach a day without feeling like there was something lacking when I look in the mirror.

And all through the day that feeling stayed with me. Which isn't to say I wasn't completely exhausted! We had a very stormy night last night, and sleep wasn't exactly easy to come by. But for some reason... I still felt unusually satisfied with things-- with myself.

I think that's the key really, the piece I've been missing for so long. To be happy with who I am. It's as simple and as complicated as that. Who knew it was so...

Easy.

Day 122/365

I'll be honest... I sort of phoned this in tonight. I'm not feeling that great still, and my first call to get into an internist: fail. She's not taking new patients until June. I'll be calling another one tomorrow.

At this point, i just kind of want to get it over with.

I needed something positive but simple tonight, and this starfish ring (that I can't actually wear because it cuts off my circulation) sort of ... pointed me to tonight's message.

Sometimes when I can't find a quote that resonates with me, or an image that inspires me... I look up the symbolism of things... I looked for turtles the other night, and decided to look up starfish tonight. One of the statements I found was this,

"In addition to love, the Starfish also holds characteristics such as guidance, vigilance, inspiration, brilliance and intuition."

And I thought that was kind of appropriate to my path at the moment. I gave my starfish points a little different emphasis than just that-- but regardless...

Sometimes, the things I tell myself aren't necessarily that deep- they're just simple... but necessary.

Day 116/365

A sort of... continuation of last night. I've been thinking-- and talking-- about letting myself go, about giving up trying to just protect myself.

That means at some point, i have to be brave, take some risks... take chances. The idea of course being that unexpected things can happen when I stop making self-protection the focus of every moment. There's a lot on my mind this week, a lot I'm processing... emotionally-- and physically too.

But for now, I'm working up the courage to understand "the miracle of life fully." To take risks, to let down my walls, and to experience some things that I've been too afraid to contemplate before.

And I know it will all pay off in the end. I just have to face my fears and make it happen.

Day 178/365 ... June 14, 2011

Ok, I'm not going to lie, today kind of sucked. One of my coworkers is out sick, probably for the rest of the week. And between handling calls from her customers, my customers, my orders, checking on things for her accounts, and dealing with everything that kept exploding on my own desk... I was starting to feel a little bit desperate by the end of the day.

In truth, I was remembering the sheer panic of last summer, the overwhelming fear and anxiety and waves of work and expectations that couldn't be fulfilled. I'd planned on going to lunch at 11:30am... but at 1:30 I still couldn't find a way to step back from my desk. And then I remembered, I told Teh Boss that I would grab a cake for my supervisor while I was out at lunch. So I walked away. I flew out to lunch and ate on the run, grabbed the least wrecky-looking cake I could find, and then raced back to work. And then it was back into the fray. More craziness, more "emergencies" more work needed to be done than I could even begin to keep up with.

And at the end of the day, at the end of the very long day (I stayed till about 8:30) I made my way home. And once there I realized that I let my day be ruled by that sense of desperation. I resolved that tomorrow I would attack the day with focus and drive and yes-- determination. I can't control everything at this job, heck I can't control MOST things at this job. But I can control the way I process the day. I am not the same girl I was last summer, and in truth, this job is not the same either.

Tomorrow I will be seeped in calm and determination, and I will use my skills to push aside that sense of desperation. Because that feeling helps no one, least of all me. And I can do, and be, better than that.

Day 129/365

So tomorrow is my Dr. Appointment. For someone who is not a fan of Dr's, I'm actually really relieved about this visit. An answer, hopefully, to the pain and related issues that have been plaguing me of late.

I thought a lot, about if and who I wanted to come with me. I ended up asking my mom to go with me and part of it was the realization that it is ok to want comfort for something like this. To have support from someone who loves me.

I chose this little bird patch for this particular post because it reminds me of a quilt, a patchwork one, like my adopted mom used to make, and buy. It's a gentle connection that I still have with her, something that calls up good memories-- of times when she was comforting, times when she was there and invested in me.

Quilts are something that I associate with comfort, and when I'm sick that's usually the first thing I reach for. In fact, typically I've reached for quilts before I've even reached for people. But I'm learning to bypass that these days. So tomorrow, instead of going solo the way I would have before, instead of standing alone, putting on a strong face and trying to be independent and self-reliant, I'll be there with my birth mom. A hand to hold, someone to support me.

Because the thing it's taken me a long time to realize is that needing comfort, needing support-- and asking for it... doesn't make me weak. It makes me wise enough to know that there are some things, some experiences that need backup. And that's ok. That's the way it's supposed to be.

We're not meant to be solitary creatures, we're given people in our lives that exist to be part of us, to share our journeys. So I'm reaching for people, having the wisdom to accept that sometimes I need something more than self-reliance. And that's ok. That's the way it's supposed to be.

Day 141/365

Last night I had issues with nightmares (again). Since last week, I've been having a really hard time staying asleep successfully. Between my exam on Tuesday and the exciting night on Wednesday, I find (more often than not right now) that I tend to wake in a panic, feeling either... helpless or restrained.

I have to remind myself that I'm home, and safe, and no one can touch me unless I want them to. I remind myself that despite being hooked up to oxygen and a few monitors, I wasn't restrained during my ER visit. I remind myself that 2 bad nights don't change all the progress I've made.

And I remind myself that the thing that really trips me up over and over, is that voice in my head that wants to awfulize everything. The voice that gives in to the dark bits that otherwise live at just the very edges of my consciousness.

Night-time has never been the best for me where sleep is concerned. The quietness, the dark, the stillness... and my brain goes into overdrive. I've come a long way in the last few months in shifting the things I think about when the rest of the world is already asleep, and I'm working hard to keep those old night-time vices from creeping back.

Day 184/365 June 20th, 2011

I used to give myself very little credit-- for anything. But one of the benefits of this project, and of my year of therapy is that I have had the opportunity to look back at my life with very different eyes. I look back at my life and recognize- for the first time it seems, how much strength and courage it really took to get this far.

There were so many times when I wanted, even tried, to give up completely. But for so many reasons (some of them my choice, some of them... twists of grace) I carried on. And even though I can see that a lot of the situations that caused me the most pain and the most heartache and the most emotional trauma were often made most miserable only because of how corkscrewed my thinking was, I still survived.

And there were a lot of moments in my life that I survived by courage alone, drawing on wells of strength and determination that I failed to see even as I was utilizing them.

The event that started this project had to do with my abuse. And in December, I did the most courageous thing I had ever done-- I spoke. I talked about what happened, about how I felt, about what he did, about the aftermath. And it was the first time I'd really sat and told anyone about everything that happened. I was terrified. I'm not sure why really-- I guess I expected that once the words were out I would finally confirm my warped suspicion that it really was my fault.

I know better of course. Now. In truth I knew better then too-- but when you've carried such weight of shame and guilt for so long, it seems strange to think you might have been wrong.

But those confessions (if you will) were the first real step to the peace that I live in (most of the time) today. Today was a typical Summer Monday... which means that it started with butterflies and nerves. As stressful as summers are at this job, even my near-constant calm gets ruffled when Monday mornings roll around. And ok, a Monday Morning at work doesn't necessarily require courage per-se... but this morning I happened to see this quote as I was checking tumblr and it actually put me back at ease.

And, I made it through the day unscathed yet again. Peace and calm intact. I've paid my courage dues I think, a lot of them anyway. So maybe that means it's just... my turn to be at peace.

Day 180/365 ... June 16th, 2011

After a few really crazy days-- well, today was no different. But instead of bringing my stress home with me, or looking somewhere outside myself for inspiration, I went backwards.

I thought of all the things I wanted, the "dreams" that had never been fulfilled, the goals I'd set for myself but not completed. I thought about all the "wishes" "wants" the "would haves."

And I realized that that list is pretty short these days. It's not necessarily that what I have is so different, but that I've started to be more content with where I am in the world now.

And this quote really hit home for me, realizing that I'm shifting from a place of constant wanting, constant wishing... into a place of relative contentment and satisfaction.

I have a roof over my head, a housemate who is lovely and loving and supportive. I have family near and far who I am so close to. I have a good, stable, steady job. I make enough to pay my bills and still do a lot of the things I love to do. I am talented and passionate, I have friends and coworkers that I enjoy and appreciate.

And I have goals and wishes and dreams that sustain me, instead of draining me.

So yes, contentment. I'm at a contented point in my life-- even amidst the stress and strain of our busy busy summer season. Because there is so much more in my life and in my heart than just this momentary stress. So much more.

Day 132/365

Therapy night, and a good time for it too. It gave me a chance to talk through the physical stuff I'm going through, and remind myself that I have dreams that are bigger than the things that hold me down.

I've had other dreams through the years, travel, stability, the ability to live off my photography. In my youth I dreamed of being a writer, or a musician.

Not all of my dreams carried through to today, at least not in their entirety. But some I hold onto, and work to create each day. Every time I agree to photograph a family, take engagement photos, book a wedding... I take a step to create the future of my dreams.

I still want to travel. But now, instead of being a typical tourist, I dream of works of art created by my camera, seeing the small details of cities and landscapes that other people don't notice on their guided tours. I still dream of living off of my photography, driving around the state-- even the country taking photos.

Sometimes, I still dream of being a writer too, but maybe not the same way I once did. Some days as I blog with these daily photos, I'm reminded of the passion I once had for writing. I can't help but think that's still part of my future.

I'm proud, glad to be able to say that I pursue my dreams at least a little bit every day... even if the only photo I take.. is this one. Because even if this is the only photo I take in a day, I'm still stepping forward on my path. I'm still creating a piece of my future.

Day 201/365. July 7th, 2011

Last night after work, I bought another new dress. I now have... 4? 5 i think. Anyway... I wore said dress to work today and got so many compliments I thought my head was going to spin off. And I realized as I got home and settled in for the night that it wasn't really about the dress. It's about me. It's about the way I carry myself these days, the way I carry my whole body, my spirit.

I am so confident. I feel beautiful, and happy and content and it shows. Let's be honest: I rocked that dress today. My shoulders were back, my head high, and I felt amazing. I have so much self-confidence these days, I love the person that I've become, the woman I've grown into. I can look in the mirror and see a loving, lovely face... bright eyes, a contended smile. I'm radiant.

And the people around me are noticing. They can see all the work I've been doing inside reflected in the way I carry myself and it's been an amazing transformation.

Day 162/365

Family day! I've been trying to make more time to spend with my family out in Rockwall. I'm so blessed (and I know I've said it over and over again, but it's so true) to have my birth mom and grandparents (and half brother too!) in my life. I spent the latter half of the day just... vegging out with family-- feeling loved and accepted and happy.

I always know when it's time to visit because I can feel myself drawn to them, making more frequent phone calls, feeling my heartstrings pulled in that direction. I start thinking about family dinners, about talking through movies. I start remembering stupid jokes, and hearing about moments from before we reunited.

We're so different, my family and I. But I am a part of them, and they of me. And my heart wanders there, my mind wanders there because I belong with them. It used to be harder, spending time with them because of how differently we see the world sometimes. But in the last year, maybe two... things have really changed.

And I find myself drawn more and more to their arms, to their lives, to their love. And i'm so glad for that.

So today, I followed my heart, followed my mind and refreshed myself in their company.

And as I always do these days...

I loved every minute of it. And when I left to go home I felt at peace, and rejuvenated, and ready to challenge the week ahead.

Day 195/365, July 1st, 2011

Not just a new day, but a new month. We didn't get as many orders as we'd really wanted to, but we did blow the record out of the books. By a lot. We came into the office feeling proud and accomplished and ready to begin a new month.

I decided this morning to take this quote to heart. I started fresh. I focused on getting things squared away so I could enjoy a long weekend. I focused on getting things done so I could go home on time.

I focused on putting one foot in front of the other, and remembering that our busy season really will be over soon enough. I walked in the door and worked and laughed and let my spirit lift a little more than it has the last few days. And as a result, I breezed through my work, my phone stayed relatively calm, and I was out the door an hour early.

And that's the thing, the piece that I have to remember when the days get long and I can't sleep at night, and it's frustrating and feels like the old days-- I have to remember that every day is new. It's a clean slate. In all honesty, my whole life feels like a clean slate lately. I marvel almost every day at how different my view is now from the way it used to be. Work is a big part of that, not necessarily what I do-- that hasn't changed significantly. Although the way we do what we do has shifted a little. The way I see my work has changed dramatically. A lot of that is because of the team we have in place now-- I work with some truly amazing people. But most of it is something that started fresh from inside ME.

I am different. I have started over. Started Fresh. My life is new. And no matter the frustrations that may come upon me during the day, the bumps in my path.. no matter any of the things that set out to make me stumble-- my life is new, and mine to direct. I can't think of anything more refreshing than that.

Day 191/365 June 27th, 2011

It's been a long week already and it's only Monday. I have a feeling it's only going to get worse. But despite my sudden realization that I'm in for some long hours at work, things are still pretty ok. I'm getting a lot of positive feedback, not just for my work, but for my spirit and it's encouraging.

Despite being busy, I'm managing to keep my desk under control, and although my hours are getting longer-- it's really more because of the sheer volume of work coming in, not because I can't manage what I have on my plate. I think when the season is over, I might actually go so far as to ask for a raise. Which is.. unprecedented for me. FIrst of all, I don't think I've ever worked at a job long enough to even think of asking for one. And the only jobs I have worked at long enough-- well, they weren't exactly the kind of work you can ask for a raise for. They were more... thank god I'm employed at all kind of jobs.

But I work hard here. And I'm appreciated, and my work gets noticed. I've been there for more than a year (seriously amazing), in fact by the time Summer is over, I'll have been there a year and a half. Maybe it's time I stuck my neck out and asked to be rewarded, officially, for the work I do.

Lord knows by the time this week is over, I will certainly have put in some serious time.

Day 166/365

It was a good day. Stressful, busy, but good. And when I came home with the firm resolution to get back to making this a truly DAILY project, I spent hours flipping for inspiration. Turns out, it's easier to do this when things are a mess. But then I came across this quote as I was just about to give up, and I realized how perfect it was. I'm not perfect, and I still have a ways to go before I have everything fixed that needs to be fixed.

But in all honesty for the first time I can conceivably see that the person i've been fighting to become... I may actually be already. At least, I'm a lot closer to it than I ever thought I'd be.

And I'm so proud of that. Proud of all my progress. I'm proud that when I woke up this morning, I allowed myself one solitary moment of dread over the day, then got up, put my game face on, and had a really good day overall.

I'm proud that contentment is the rule rather than the exception to me lately.

I'm proud that I can look in a mirror and LIKE what I see.

I'm proud that I can go out in a dress to the store, to work, to wherever and be comfortable and happy and OK with who I am.

I'm proud that I'm finding balance in my work, that I'm finding beauty and creativity in my life.

I'm proud of the person I am very decidedly becoming, the person I always wanted to be. The person that maybe, I was supposed to be all along.

Day 189/365, June 25th, 2011

The thing I didn't talk about in last night's letter is something that really inspired tonight's. This project has always been about me, about my life, my journey, my struggles. It's about my healing and my progress. But at some point it became bigger than that.

I suppose it was the moment I decided to make it public. Or maybe the moment I opened it up on flickr, or created a tumblr for it. Regardless of the moment-- it did in fact become something bigger than just me. It seems that while this project has been helping me heal, it's been inspiring both loved ones and strangers. Last night when I got home from work I had an email at my flickr account. Someone moved by this project-- I've gotten emails to that effect before, but for some reason the letter I got last night really touched me.

And maybe it's because the emotion was so vivid. Sometimes even without hearing someone's voice you can hear how much, how badly they want to hope for something better. And the basic premise of her note was that finding this project may have saved her life. Truly. I was so moved it took me quite awhile to even respond to her.

This project has been such a blessing to me. A powerful force of healing in my life, and to know the impact it's made on someone else's is really remarkable to me. The fact that my life could inspire someone else... inspires me in return.

My life has become something really remarkable. And apparently I'm not the only that thinks so.

Day 88/365

Tonight (well last night) I wanted to remind myself of all the wonderful things that make up who I am today. All the strengths that live within me that allow me the grace to survive everything I've been through.

Really... tonight's message was that simple. I needed a reminder. Sometimes we all need a reminder of the remarkable things that make up our hearts and souls.

173/365

I realized today that my life exists in a completely different place than I ever thought it would. Seriously. I got done with work today and sang along with the radio on the way home until I stopped myself in shock (myself... not the car) and realized that I am actually... happy. I have a stable, steady, decently paying job. I have friends and loved ones all around me. I have coworkers that I enjoy and respect and am even happy to hang with after hours. I have a project to keep me creatively motivated. I have passion and talent and creativity.

How did I get here? Who is this person?

it's so amazing to look at my life right now and see all this goodness, all the things I would have missed if i'd given up all those times I wanted to, all those times I tried to.

I stil have moments, but their so fleeting, so transient. I'm still processing some of my anger about my abuse, I'm still working through some of those old ghosts. But for the most part, 95% of the time, I'm able now to step back and look at my life and realize how amazing and wonderful it is.

And I wonder sometimes how I got to this place? To this contentment. It still feels so new to me, this feeling of... normalcy. Because that's what it is really. I feel like the way I feel most days must be what "normal" people feel every day. I know there's really no such thing as normal... but this-- this is, I think, what the rest of the regular world must feel every day. it's so strange to come to each day from a place of strength and calm and determination.

I worked hard to get to this place. That's how I got here. I gave myself permission to feel and process all of the things that I pushed aside for so many years. I made smarter choices, I took better paths, I recognized beauty and joy not just in the world around me, but in myself.

And that has made the difference. THAT is how I got here. With faith and love and the support of the people who love me (and the sheer force of nature that is a truly good therapist). I created this life. Me. I stopped surrendering to my pain and confusion and fear and I created this life for myself.

I changed things.

How amazing is that?

Day 152/365

Well, busy season has officially begun. Most of the office saw it happen on Monday, but for me the tide waited until today. I booked 16 orders, between taking calls and trying to manage my customer outbound calls. I was starting to feel swamped and seeing the beginning of that overwhelmed space that I basically lived in all last summer.

But I vowed that if I was still here for this summer, I wouldn't repeat the same personal insanities that I executed last year. So instead of getting mired in it all, I stopped frequently-- breathed, reminded myself that this is for a limited amount of time. I didn't stay late, but accepted that the 9 hours we're now required to be there.. was enough.

I listened to the chaos around me and tried to focus myself. I took some time to joke with my coworkers. I celebrated my successes. But mostly, I reminded myself throughout the day that this is just a job. It's stressful, and busy, and never-ending. But it's just a job. And I need to keep calm in my heart to make it through without breaking down like I did last year.

I will maintain peace this year. I have the tools to do so. I will find a calm place within me, and go there as often as I need to to make it through.

I will have peace. I choose to have peace.

Day 199/365. July 5th, 2011.

Last year, today sucked. Last year the first day back from the 3 day holiday was absolutely awful. It was stressful and frustrating and filled with late cars and cranky customers. This morning, I steeled myself for the same kind of experience.

But I was pleasantly surprised. Our operations team obviously worked overtime because everything was on time. Customers were pleased, accounts were calm. I don't know that anything particularly wonderful happened but it was a decent day. A good reminder that all stressing out does is make me tired. Tomorrow, i'm going to start the day with this thought instead. I think that's a much better plan.

Day 171/365

After work tonight I went out to the lake. I packed my camera, my ipod, some headphones and a notebook... and as soon as the day was over I trucked over to the place where I can always think most clearly.

I started on a pros and cons list. But it was kind of pointless because in truth each pro and each con under each position is weighted so differently that trying to compare the two that way was completely useless.

So I just... sat. And watched the lake, photographed some birds, listened to my music and in a small, quiet part of my heart-- I prayed.

The thing that I kept coming back to was the idea that maybe the timing isn't right-- for a reason. That maybe the timing isn't right because this is not the right time. If I were to say yes to this, I'd only be able to give a week's notice. And even if I could get past that in the off-season, this is the busiest time of the year for us, and leaving now even with a full 2 weeks notice wouldn't really be fair to the people I would be leaving behind.

If something is meant to be, it will line up in your life. The timing is not right. And in the morning, I'm going to call and tell them no. Because I think I need to stay where I am right now. Because I think it's time to CHOOSE the path I'm on, because maybe it's the right path for me right now.

And now that I'm back at home, decision made, and I feel completely at peace. i know I've made the right decision, and if I'm going to be completely honest-- I'm actually looking forward to going into work tomorrow. Maybe what I really needed was to know that being where I am now is a CHOICE and not something I've been stuck with.

It's not so much that I'm saying no to this unexpected opportunity-- but that I'm actually CHOOSING to continue where I am. And somehow I feel like that is going to make a world of difference in how I feel about my job, about what I do every day.

I know already that I am not going to regret this choice. Because it's right-- not just for them... but for ME. This is where I need to be right now. I'm more than at peace, I think I'm actually--

Happy.

Day 128/365

Today marks seven years since I lost my adopted mom to liver disease. And I don't have anything truly profound to say about it all today.

The truth is, I made my peace with mom a few months ago. It took me longer than it should have to be sure, but these days I've stopped examining her failings and faults, I've stopped living with the shroud of grief over her loss and accepted that she did the best she could.

She wasn't perfect, but who is? I've reached a point in my life where I can just-- be thankful for the blessings she gave me. One of the biggest being the name of my birth mother, with whom I now have an ever-developing relationship. I'm so blessed that even as I lost one mother-- I was able to reach out and connect with another. Something that was directly due to my adopted mom and her steel-trap memory.

I've stopped letting my painful memories of my relationship with mom hurt me. And instead, I've tried to start finding good ones, finding ways to funnel pain and frustration from our less-than-perfect relationship into the fodder to build better relationships with the family I still have in my life.

I think this is the first year that I've observed this day without feeling the heartbreak of her last few days, without the ache of those days after I lost her.

This year I can say without tears:

I love you mom, I miss you. But I know you're in a better place.

RIP Barbara Jo Philipson

8/21/1949-4/25/2004

Day 169/365

Sometimes, I go backwards. 1 step, 2, 5. I realized today that I've really reverted back to some of my less desirable eating habits. I've been eating more in quantity, and a lot more of the crap that I had (at one point) cut out of my diet almost completely.

And at first I was so discouraged by that realization that I dealt with it by sucking down a pint of Ben and Jerry's.

Ok, not the most productive response, admittedly. But then I realized that my reaction was in large part because I saw that step back as a permanent failure. But it's not. This setback is temporary. And I'll overcome it again. And this time when I do, I'll have the bonus of knowing I have the willpower to do it when I'm ready.

I think a lot of the reason I've been medicating with food so much isn't necessarily because of emotional pain, like it was in the old days, but because I've been so much more open about my body lately. And with that comes a certain visibility that I've tried to avoid in the past. That visibility makes me nervous. It just does. I know part of it stems back to my sexual abuse, and part of it to being a victim of my own anxieties for so long.

I'm trying hard to move beyond that... so I need to try to move beyond my old coping mechanism too. I fell back, but I'll step forward yet again.

Day 115/365

I think sometimes this project may seem redundant to some that watch it. I'd apologize... except that at it's core, it's about me, healing, working through everything, finding my way to the other side of everything that's held me back until this point. Sometimes, I have to process through things over and over again... some damage just isn't that easy to power through.

I'm trying to be better, trying to stop hiding from life, from the people that love me. And I'm getting better. I am. But my first instinct is always to protect myself. I'd rather not reach out than risk being disappointed, than risk being hurt. I've been that way as long as i can remember.

I went to such an extreme to protect myself that at 29 years old I'm severely overweight, I've never had a real relationship, and I'm only just now really letting people that I've "known" for years really get to know me.

I spent 20 years trying to find ways to protect myself and now I have to learn to stop hiding and let down my guard. The man who hurt me all those years ago, can't touch me now. I don't need to protect myself anymore.

Day 193/365, June 29th, 2011

Another really long day-- I know, it's the theme of the week. Now of course the push is more than just blowing our record out of the water, it's about not having to be in on the holiday weekend. Today I spent some time feeling frustrated and tired. I'm still having a really hard time sleeping (that hasn't really changed since the last time I complained about it) and it's wearing on me a lot this week. I walked away from my desk a few times today. Threw my hands up and walked away because I was just so tired.

And I realized, about halfway through the day that part of the problem is that I stopped looking at the goal we were trying to reach. I got swarmed in issues and frustrations and lost sight. Losing sight used to set me completely off track. I'd get caught up in the ugly things, the obstacles... and I'd forget the bigger picture.

These days though, I work hard not to go off track. I work to find my arrows again, to ignore the obstacles, or blast through them completely. Today I let other people help me get back on track. I let other people encourage me, and remind me of what we're really trying to do this week.

And I got back on track. I set my eyes back on my goals-- work, and personal, and made it through the day. I'm worn out, true enough-- but by tomorrow morning I'll be ready to go back in and keep myself on track.

Obstacles and ugliness don't run my world anymore. Not the way they used to. Today, I remind myself to keep my eyes on the goal, on the bliss that rises each day before me.

Day 200/365. July 6th, 2011.

I was thinking today about last summer. About where I was at emotionally, and work-wise, at this time last year. It was nuts. I had no idea what summer meant in this industry and right about now I was so stressed I could barely breathe, much less imagine making through that summer, to say nothing of getting through a second one.

But I am a very different person than I was last year. I lived by my limitations last year, the year before. I've always set the boundaries of my life by the limitations of my anxiety, my self-esteem, my depression, my anger, my shame. And so little of it had to do with my actual work although the stress of my first ever summer season certainly didn't help.

This year though, Iv'e gotten to a point where I don't just challenge my limitations, I defy them, I laugh at them, and I prove to myself over and over again that I am greater than what used to hold me back.

This summer is significantly busier than last. But I'm ok. I'm better than ok. And while I once resolved to still be out of the office close to 6 each day, I have been working later and longer than I'd originally intended. But it's done with a different spirit this year. I stay to help my coworkers, to be part of our team spirit, to fuel the determination on the floor to meet and exceed our goals.

I stay because I can. Because My limitations don't stop me anymore. They just give me something new to move past.

And when this summer is over, I will have earned my pride. I will have earned the right to say, I survived, I thrived, I made this year a success... not just for my company, but for myself.

I didn't blog this day. I went in for my complete hysterectomy on 4/30. I was released on the 4th of May... but then ended up back in the hospital with an infection the following week.

.

After all the results were in, it turned out that of the 43 lymph nodes taken during the surgery- one was cancerous.

Day 174/365

Last night, i went out with the work folks. We celebrated an amazing month as far as orders booked, we celebrated having new teammates, we celebrated surviving the first few weeks of summer, we celebrated ourselves and each other and the company that we work for.

And it was really amazing. I was tired, and had had a frustrating day. I was a little bummed to be missing out a therapy appointment, and I had to leave a lot more undone at the office than I would have liked. But it was worth it, and as much as I worried when I came in this morning, I actually managed to get mostly caught up today.

I was thinking again today, about how much has changed. And about how recently it seems that the last few pieces really fell into place. I'm not down to my last key yet... I still have some work to do particularly in terms of my abuse-- but it seems like the changes I've made, the shifts that have happened in terms of my body image have really had the biggest impact.

It was the last real piece of resistance. And now that I've finally started to accept myself, physically, the way I AM... I believe that when I start making some of the changes I made last year (when I lost 40 pounds just by changing my diet), when i go back to being on track with what I eat and how much, I think it's going to have an even bigger impact than it did before. Because I've reached a point where the changes I want to make are for my Health, not for my appearance.

My (almost) last key. Loving myself, accepting my appearance, my body, my image has opened a huge door for me. Because for the first time EVER in my life, I can walk into a room without wondering what people are thinking. I can spend time with friends and coworkers without feeling as though I'm constantly being evaluated and judged by my size.

Because I know now that while there will always be people in the world that judge me on my size, the only person who really genuinely thought it made me any LESS of a human being-- was me.

But that's changed now. That door is open and I've walked into a whole different world. And I'm so glad to finally be able to look at that girl in the mirror and see beauty-- Inside and Out.

Day 205/365. July 11th, 2011.

Wow. I thought last week was stressful. I walked in today and the theme was late cars. Cranky people. Rush moves. Demanding accounts. It was last summer's craziness-- all wrapped up in one ridiculous day. This is what I thought was going to happen last week but didn't. Now I kind of wish it had because then this week would be easier... instead of just the start of craziness.

When I got home I was exhausted. Remembering why this job often feels like a bad fit to me. I had kind of forgotten for awhile. Days like this test me, test all of us really. And as I browsed through all my favorite places of inspiration, I saw this quote and realized I've been ignoring some of my own ... resolutions.

Today was a day. It was one day. Just one. And now, it's over. Behind me.

Tomorrow, there will be more late cars. There will be more frustrated people, more rushes, more stress. But tomorrow is just one day too.

And if I can just remind myself to be positive, to be uplifted, open, inspired. If I can find ways and reasons to laugh, feel and give out love... I will make it through to tomorrow, the next day, the next. And eventually.. it will calm down again.

It will.

And in the meantime, I resolve to continue inspiring... myself (if no one else)... because that's what will make the difference. I made it through a whole summer of days like this last year... this is just one day.

And tomorrow will be better.

#DearMe

Day 179/365 ... June 15, 2011

Today, unfortunately, was not significantly better than yesterday. Except that I did manage to stay a little calmer... mostly. As I was looking for inspiration tonight I came across a much-used quote from Eleanor Roosevelt, "Women are like teabags, put them in hot water and they only get stronger."

And I looked back a little, at how far I've come from when I started... not just this project, but therapy too. The girl that went reluctantly back into therapy last summer is almost vanished now. Despite the craziness that abounded at work today, when I finally went home I was calm, I left the day behind me and knew I'd done all I could do.

A far cry from the emotional space I was in last year at this time. But then again, i've spent this year well-- dunking myself in hot water if you will. And the result is a girl who is stronger, more determined, more calm.

Tomorrow will be better. And Friday better than that. My job is crazy-- I know this. I spend a lot of time at work over the summer months, and I invest a lot of energy in my customers and accounts. But at the end of the day, I am so much stronger than I was last year and I know where and when to draw the line, I know how to do all of that... and still take care of MYSELF. And I think maybe that's what all this hot-water was supposed to teach me in the first place.

Day 142/365

Back to thinking about and focusing on work. I've been feeling so not myself for more than a month that I really haven't focused as much as I need to on work. I'll be making some changes, some choices, focusing on some things that I've let slide by.

Not just at my job but with my photography, with my life in general. And it seems like no matter where I turn that focus, to be truly successful I have to start breaking out of my comfort zone.

I don't know if I'm ready to do that yet, not to the degree I need to. But I know I can eventually. And knowing is half the battle, right?

148/365

Today, I didn't really do that much. I caught up on the last few days worth of photos, I ran out for some food, I did a bunch of laundry, I worried about starting our new department wide 10-hour-days tomorrow. But I didn't really DO much at all.

I rested. I relaxed. I reflected. And I realized that I have come a long way... since this project began, and since I started therapy last year to begin with. I have a long way to go yet. I step forward then back, I dance with health-- emotional and physical. I misstep, I try again, I fall, I fail, I succeed, I learn.

I am not there yet. But I am so much further than I ever thought I'd be. And that is so amazing to me. To have come so far so fast.

Day 135/365

Tomorrow I find out (hopefully) what exactly is going on with my body. I'm happy, but also a little anxious. it could be nothing, it could be serious. I'm hoping for nothing major personally.

Obviously, I want them to find SOMETHING to explain what's been going on, but I'd prefer to stay away from well, words that start with 'C' for one. I know work is frustrated at my leaving early for Dr. visits and tests, and I'm stressed out and trying very hard not to fall too far behind, to show them I can still work and deal with it all.

I just keep reminding myself that if I've made it this far, I can go a little farther, I can work through something else, I can survive anything the universe chooses to throw at me.

I'm that flower. The one that springs up in a crack in the pavement. That gets walked on, driven over, drowned, explored by a passing poodle. But I keep blooming. Or at least.... I try.

I'll feel better when I know what's really going on, when I know how to fix it.

Day 160/365

So I kind of punked out today. I thought all night that I was going to wear my dress to work today, but when I got up to get ready, I chickened out. After work though, I realized that I need to be confident. I need to be willing to be a little exposed. Physically and emotionally. What is the point of the good things I'm feeling, the good changes I've made if I don't let them actually CHANGE me?

So tonight after work, I went shopping again. I bought 2 more dresses. I tried on even more. And I allowed myself to revel in feeling... cute. In feeling pretty. I looked in the mirror and instead of hearing the same old angry tapes filed with self-loathing and not-enoughs... I looked and said-- "how lovely."

One small change. A dress. Just one single dress. And it allowed me to rewind, erase, re-record the tapes that I've been fighting against for so many years.

And I know it's not a perfect, or complete process. But with one small change, another has come through, and another, and no doubt others will follow. I will allow myself to be changed by all of this, by all of this work, all of this effort, all of this therapy and yes-- even by the shopping as silly as it may seem to some.

Because it's not about shopping. It's not about adding to my closet. It's about changing the way I SEE myself. About changing the way I THINK about myself. Changing the way my brain works when it comes to the subject of Me.

I'm changing. And I like it.

Day 181/365

I've been thinking again, about some of what I blogged about last night-- that sense of contentment. I realized something. I'm not just content, I'm lighter. I don't feel weighted down anymore the way I used to. For so many years I've carried heaviness in my heart... heaviness of memory, of abuse, of pain, of dissatisfaction.

I had the voice of my mom's expectations constantly in my head, the pain of His abuse in my body, the depression and anxiety of my youth held deep in my very bones.

But today I realized that I don't feel those anchors anymore. Not the way I used to. I think the biggest change is that I have let Him go. I don't know when it happened exactly, and it remains to be seen if this release will carry over into other areas of my life, but for now it's strange and wonderful to realize that he no longer has an outpost in my head.

It's amazing to look inside myself and just find ME. I've made so much progress, erasing all those old tapes and recording new ones, recording words of encouragement and self-love over disappointment and discouragement.

And even though I still have a ways to go before I would consider my life truly and conventionally "stable," for me right now I can say what a relief it is to stand in my own space and know that my anchors are for the most part behind me. That from an emotional standpoint at least-- I am free.

Day 151/365

I'm working on trying to get back to doing this project on a daily basis. I haven't quite got the hang of it again yet, but so far this week I've managed to stay caught up on an every-other-day level.

I loved this quote and thought I could use a reminder that while this project has grown into something larger than just... notes to my self, at the core it's still for me, therapy for me, soothing for me.

It's my art. It keeps me in my creative mind even on days when I don't have the energy to take any other photos. Its my tether to the artist in me when that sometimes feels far away for whatever reason.

The days when I have the energy to sit and write these notes, to set up shop and photograph, on those days I can feel the weight lifting from my shoulders, can feel my thoughts turn more positive, can feel myself settle solidly and comfortingly into my skin.

Sometimes these photos are the only trace of my true self that I get to experience in days filled with work and frustration and stress.

So, I create. I breathe. I relax. I let myself become visible again in my truest form. I wash away the dust of the day and remember who I really am, and who I want to be.

Day 175/365

I went to a party today and was astonished at the ease I felt. I thought about how it used to be, how nervous and scared I always was. How worthless I felt, how insignificant. I didn't really talk to people, because I couldn't fathom having anything of value to add.

Today though, I talked and laughed and joked. I played. I felt welcomed and wanted and valuable. And that wasn't because the way I was being treated had changed, it's because instead of constantly building walls with my own insecurities... I started building bridges instead.

And how rich my life is becoming because of that. Because I started to tear down all my walls and rebuild, to turn my barriers into pathways. I'm still doing a lot of... learn-as-I-go when it comes to social interaction. It's not just insecurity, but my sheer lack of social experience that has held me back too. And I say stupid things. I misjudge silences, and still project my own self-judgements on other people too. But every time I go out, every time I reach out, it gets better, easier, and more enjoyable.

The truth is, at heart, I am an introvert. Truly. I'm just as happy at home in peace and quiet reading a book, and extended social interaction, or having to be in the midst of a large group of people... is exhausting to me. But while I'm IN the moment at least, now I can enjoy myself and not spend every minute wondering if I'm good enough.

No more walls.

Instead, I focus on bridges.

Day 126/365

It was a good day. I was up at a decent hour (for a Saturday), I made my easter treats, I caught up on project photos, I prepared myself to visit a new church community.

And until 8:15 or so, I lived pain free. The first day all week where for most of the day there were no cramps, no pain, no frustration.

It was wonderful. So wonderful that even when the cramps came rolling in... I still felt glad-- glad to have had a reprieve.

And I need to do this more... welcome and encourage small joys and stop fighting and badgering myself with regrets and should haves.

So today, my small joy is being mostly pain free. My larger joy is spending time with my family, celebrating my brother's 18th Birthday, being surrounded by love and support and laughter.

Joys. Not regrets. That's the goal.