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I am often asked why I never post photographs of myself.
The truth is, I've never really liked myself.
At age 27 I hit "rock bottom", after spending my teens and early/mid-twenties trapped in a cycle of self-harm and suicidal ideation.
I hit rock bottom on June 12, 2017. That same day I decided to retool my hatred and self-loathing, using it as fuel to create a new, more fulfilling existence.
Through rational self-analysis, I identified the aspects of my personality I despised and what triggered their manifestation. Through a new-found love of weight lifting, I ground those detrimental aspects of my psyche out of me.
Through sheer force of will I broke myself down physically, mentally and emotionally, and from the ashes I reconstructed an individual I could tolerate, if not fully accept.
While I am still susceptible to episodes of soul-scraping depression and self-loathing, those episodes are few and far between (think every two or three years rather than every waking moment.)
Potentiality is a wellspring of ever-present hope, and that is what keeps me going. Inner peace still eludes me, however, which means there are still loftier and more ambitious accomplishments to strive for.
For now, these words and this photograph are as close to a portrait of O . . .Phuck!™ (a.k.a. Prichard Nixon!) as you get.
Remember, you are allowed to be a masterpiece and a work-in-progress simultaneously.
Looking through the lens is sometimes looking inward. A suspended fraction of a second, where the eye becomes the center of the entire frame.
This was the first time I had ever sketched standing up and it wasn't easy! My arm got tired very quickly!
This is part of my 100 self-portraits project.
Shot on a tripod with a Nikon D90 and a Tokina 100mm f/2.8 macro lens at f/11. Exposure was 1/200th. There's one light directly above the camera angled down toward my eye. I shot this solo which required a lot of trial and error. Having someone else set the focus on my eye would have been a big help!
So a few days ago I put this photo on my personal Facebook page. To say it received a lot of attention (for me anyway) is an understatement. Regular followers both there and here will know that self portraits aren't a rarity for me; they do pop up from time to time. After a few comments it was decided I should do some of my normal spiel/commentary to go with it.
So, I have a theory. As much as I'd like to think the sight of me with bare shoulders is enough to attract the unwanted attention of everyone on earth as though I'm some kind of sex symbol, I'm not capable of belief of such huge lies. So I linked the attention of the photo to something that I've been harping on about both here over the years and almost constantly to my students.
Portraits are not photos with people in them. Portraits are more. They require the interaction between the photographer and subject, the focus, the connection. A good portrait should give the viewer an insight into the soul and mind of the subject. Do these things and you have a cracking portrait recipe, leave them out and you may have a visual feast but the meal has gone stale, and you need more to really grab you.
I tell people that in order to make a really good portrait you need to engage with the subject and get a dialogue going, to interact and engage. Think about it, most of the very best portraits you'll ever see are simple photographically, but the connection between the photographer and the subject (and therefore the viewer) is so strong it's like the camera was never there. You're not looking at a photo of someone, you're almost looking straight at that person.
I also tell photographers, people who often prefer to hide behind the camera as opposed to be in front of it, that every now and then shooting yourself is a good reminder of what it's like to be examined by a lens. Knowing both sides of the camera is good for your balance and your appreciation of what it is you ask your own portrait sitters to go through.
I have also told close friends who are photographers in the past (and I've said it here too) that when you're all kinds of messed up inside or you feel like you're ready to pop because you have something inside you need to let out, shoot it. Use your camera and creativity as a voice. The photos don't have to be anything, to try and say anything profound, just let them be; let it out. The results often shine simply because they're fueled by something so meaningful.
So where am I going with this? I have a theory that this photo has got the attention it has because of these things. It's a shot where you have to lay yourself bare, putting yourself in front of the camera forces you to deliver yourself to it. It was a photo created at a time where I am amidst a deep and heady mix of complications and worries in my mind, of euphoric highs and desperate lows; of stress and tiredness; sunshine days and rainy nights, and a pent up feeling of needing to release and express was brewing. And if you're making a portrait you have to connect and show something real about the person, and what better way to do that than be able to allow yourself a few moments to feel what's going on in life, good, bad or ugly and point a camera straight at it?
I see a number of self portrait photographers on Flickr here, so many of them make jaw-dropping pictures, yet the genuinely amazing portraits are reserved for those few who can open themselves up and show the camera how they're really feeling without shying away.
I don't think personally, there's anything awesome about this shot in terms of 'photography' as such, it's just a nice photo, but I do think it's as true an insight into me at a time of heavy thought as I could give anyone, photographer or not. It examines, truly, and purely.
For those who've seen this already this week, thank you. For those that see it now, hopefully you like it too, and this ramble makes sense. :) There are a few extras on my blog if you want a looksie.
(More 'normal' photos coming soon!)
I needed a current profile photo for work-related stuff so off I went. Strobist: Canon 580EX II at full power in a gridded 22" Lumodi beauty dish on right, Canon 430EX at 1/16 power bounced off wall on left, gridded YN 460 II at half power behind and to right for hair light. Flashes fired via Cactus V5s. Shutter triggered with Magic Lantern intervalometer function.
Leica M6, Heliar 15 f/4,5; Neopan 400, Ornano STD (1:16) 6',20°C.Scan from negative film..© All rights reserved. This photograph is Copyright and may NOT in part or in whole be reproduced in any electronic or printed medium without prior permission from the photographer.
name, challenge, title (optional), size, materials used, and category.
Lukas Linn, coloured pencil portrait, 11x14in sketchbook, prismacolour pencils, beginner
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Today's group: 8 questions - an interview with yourself
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Strobist:
Key: speedlight in DIY striplight, CL
Back: two speedlights on the floor
1. If you could go back to any time in your life, what would you photograph?
My grandmother's house deep in the Appalachian mountains of Virginia. It was built by my grandfather in a holler. There are a couple of photos, but I would love to have taken detailed shots.
2. What kind of picture do you find the least interesting?
Corporate headshots.
3. Which picture took you the most courage to take (or publish)?
The first time I did candid street photography.
4. What do you admire most in other people’s photography?
Intention. My favorite photos are those that somehow express some kind of meaning or experience the photographer wanted to communicate. It doesn't have to be high-minded or socially "important" (those often produce eye-rolling in me). It can be simple, silly, or even mundane. But when a photo somehow evokes that sense of intention, it elevates it for me.
5. If you could follow someone around for a day, who would that be?
David Lynch.
6. Which shot would you never post on Flickr?
Any photo of my wife she did not give explicit permission to share publicly.
7. What is unphotographable?
My seven year old son in a calm, cooperative state.
8. If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be?
Curious.