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Or, how I almost became one at the age of 14. After about nine months of agony I managed to pass off as normal angst in 8th grade it came blowing way out of proportion when I graduated. Days before graduation I tore up my hands clawing at a wall and my desk in a desperate bid to keep myself attached to reality. I slipped into a flashback that kept me still and frozen, locked into place by horror. When reality set back in, I shook. It was like I'd been punched in the face, stomach, and golf-clubbed again. My fingers bled. The nails were ragged.
My summer should have been spent working and relaxing. While I did work, I didn't relax at all.
Days after graduating, a strange, new, and horrifying feeling took over.
I was going to die. How, I didn't know, but I knew it would be imminent. I didn't know what I had had a name of its own, but I knew that it was the most out-of-touch I'd ever been with the world. When I was normal I knew that I was safe, but when I felt I was going to die, no one could convince me otherwise.
Through the panic attacks and manifestations of PTSD I managed to maintain a somewhat stable facade. I managed to think of all kinds of excuses to stay around the house, which was the only truly safe place. But excuse after excuse wore thin and I would get dragged out to grocery shop, clothes shop, car shop, and to just get me out of the house. I hated these excursions. I hated the shower curtains, the clothes that still hung on me (I'd lost 20 pounds due to being sick), the stupid dealerships and the cars and the bags of lettuce and dressings.
All I wanted to do was stay alive.
When the first attack hit at work I almost jumped out of a window. While displaying my ever-so-stable face I shut myself in the bathroom. As my heart raced and the building seemed to crumble around me I filled the sink with water. Taking only the time to whip off my eyeglasses I plunged my head into the basin. It always worked in the movies, right?
I'd forgotten about the body's shock response. My hair flipped water all over the tiles, the ugly flocked wallpaper and the stupid matching towels. I couldn't go back to the office like this. My whole ruse would come tumbling down. And I couldn't let it - how good I looked in my little cornflower blue buttondown, cuffs turned up ever-so-slightly with the little-bit-big black jeans (negative sizes don't exist) and the everpresent black shoes. Not a hair out of place. Brand-new black eyeglasses. Earrings all lined up.
So I opened the window. It took some forcing. When I'd finally raised it enough to permit the passage of a body I perched up on the sill, anchored by my bony hands gripping the window and my rubber soles hanging on for dear life. If I could safely fall I could run out of the alley and into the street and away from death. I could feel my thin shoulderblades poking at the shirt, straining to break free. I saw myself hitting the alley below like James Bond and making my getaway.
I also saw a meaty splat in a cornflower blue shirt. I looked down and my stomach dropped. With an inward cry I fell back into the bathroom. I waited for death but it never came.
Throughout the summer I tried to subvert the panic attacks. I stopped reading the newspapers. I ceased listening to the radio. I shunned the New York Times magazine that I'd been reading since I was 12. Even the end piece - my favorite part. I even stopped watching the Ten O'Clock News with Dennis Richmond, a nightly tradition ever since I'd been young. It would be difficult to give up, but by removing triggers I could guarantee safety.
Yet somewhere, there was always a radio turned too loud. A newspaper headline staring up at me from the gutter.
The attacks would come more often. They'd last longer. I'd try to escape them. I would run. There was one day when I almost ended up in the windshield of a brand-new Mercedes. Another day I ran all through San Francisco, depositing myself by the Bay Bridge. But I had outsmarted death. I had survived for the day.
I don't think I've ever feared for my life in any situation more than I have in those four months of hell.
Eventually I couldn't take it any more. After running all over San Francisco and having strangers feel the need to check my arms for track marks and comment on my weight and getting tired of trying to outsmart death, I couldn't take it any more. I got help for what had been troubling me, though sometimes I think the lady was more interested in telling me about the plight of the girls my age in the Albany school district. She was surprised about the physical scraps I'd been in and how my friends and never spread rumors and how I'd never been reduced to a sobbing heap over something someone said about my manner of dress. Not many 14 year old girls showed a prediliction for open buttondowns over tank tops. She told me about Tony Soprano and how he told his therapist what she wanted to hear - not exactly lying, but not telling the whole truth either. Maybe she gave me ideas, but I really think everyone does that when they're uncomfortable.
Four years later, I'm about to graduate high school and I'm doing well. Bumps were hit along the way, but that's life. My nails have long since grown out and scars have long since flattened and healed, but it will always be with me. Since I lost my job I don't wear my cornflower blue shirt that much, but sometimes I take it out and look at it and feel sad, but triumphant.
Some days I still wonder if death is waiting for me behind a light pole, but for now, I've kept on walking.
Download 'Raindrops' on iTunes: itunes.apple.com/gb/album/raindrops-single/id778847691
www.youtube.com/watch?v=WuOyyUHkUYA
This relaxing instrumental music is ideal for Meditation, Yoga, Mindfulness, Reiki Healing, Massage, Reflexology, and other relaxation techniques. It is highly effective at inducing sleep and can be used as a way to help your brain get into a meditative state. The slow tempo and musical structure encourages the heart rate and breathing to slow down. This calming new age music is even more effective if you can listen with headphones on. Use "Raindrops" to help you combat negativity and a wide range of uncomfortable symptoms and sensations.
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Relaxing Music Facebook Page: www.facebook.com/calmingmusic
YouTube Channel: www.youtube.com/jonbrookscomposerFaceBook: www.facebook.com/pages/Jon-Brooks-Music-Composer/18852185...: twitter.com/JonBrooks_MusicSoundCloud: soundcloud.com/jonbrooks-1Blogspot: jonbrookscomposer.blogspot.co.ukOfficial Website www.jonbrooks.co.uk
Music:This music is subject to copyright and is provided for demonstration purposes only. © 2013 Jon Brooks. Instrumental music composed, orchestrated and programmed using Logic Pro.
Motion Backgrounds:- MissAfterEffects- Logan Kenesis,
Still: José Manuel Suárez
RELAXATION (As cited on Wikipedia)"A relaxation technique (also known as relaxation training) is any method, process, procedure, or activity that helps a person to relax; to attain a state of increased calmness; or otherwise reduce levels of anxiety, stress or anger."
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Anxiety affects about 18% of the adult population in the US.
22.8% of these cases are classified as severe with a lifetime prevalence.
Anxiety develops from a complex mix of factors including genetics, brain chemistry, personality, and life events.
It could be anyone. It could be you. So don't judge.
Social anxiety is one of the most prominent reasons of concern as far as troubles from anxiety are concerned. This aspect of the suffering is dominating all over because of its sharper effects. The irony lies in the fact that still we do not have the required information about this social anxiety. We are still trying to understand the disease and its implications.
In the different manifestation of the disease, the patients suffer from some illusions. He often feels that all the people are looking at him at any public place and he starts feeling a unique discomfort. It happens even if he is well aware of the fact that he knows it is not true. However, it is also true that he cannot get rid of these feelings until and unless he overcomes it completely. Such a person is also afraid of receiving a telephone call by himself.
Miedo, soledad y angustia
(Fear, loneliness and anguish)
Pastel sobre papel,
Pastel on paper,
65 x 50 cms,
65 by 50 cms.
30th november 1999
artista/artist: minidreamer
colección del autor,
author´s collection
Es una de mis pinturas favoritas :)
It´s one of my favorite paintings :)
Winter storm
Photograph made in the beautiful
San Sebastian in a rainy and windy
evening.
P.S. Dear voyeur (presumed dumb) :P
many thanks for your indiference about my art :P
and dear thief (presumed with more snout
than a tapir :P), Please do not use my photographs,
paintings, drawings, cartoons, poems, translations
and words on websites, blogs or any other media
without my explicit permission.
© minidreamer
www.flickr.com/photos/minidreamer/
Tormenta de invierno
Fotografía hecha en la hermosa San Sebastián,
durante un atardecer ventoso y lluvioso.
P.D. Querido/a mirón/a (presumiblemente mudo/a),
,muchas gracias por tu indiferencia acerca de mi arte :P
y querido ladrón/a (presumiblemente con más morro que un tapir) :P
, por favor no utilices mis fotografías, pinturas, dibujos, tiras cómicas,
poemas, traducciones y textos en páginas webs, blogs u
otros medios de comunicación sin antes haberme
pedido permiso para poder hacerlo.
© minidreamer
www.flickr.com/photos/minidreamer/
Original resolution: 13.6 Megapixels.
Natural light :)
Unedited image :)
Camera: SONY DSCW-300
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Keiron Craven Grew as Simon and Karla Crome as Lizzie.
'Breathing Country' was written by Ben Musgrave, directed by Nigel Townsend and designed by Jaimie Todd.
© Robert Workman
EPR: the drama
E Health 19 Oct 2009
Coming out of a West End play with a tear in your eye or a grin on your face isn’t unusual. But Sarah Bruce wasn’t expecting to feel so emotional at the end of a play about the use of electronic patient records in the NHS.
I recently stumbled across the events page of The Royal Academy of Engineering website – and one of the strangest initiatives I’ve yet encountered during my time writing about healthcare IT.
Coming at the end of a Google search related to a news story, I wasn’t expecting to find a listing for a play addressing the issues behind the Electronic Patient Record.
It wasn’t something that E-Health Insider could miss, though. So I headed off to meet one of the organisers, Dr Lesley Pearson, at the Wellcome Trust where the play was being performed for stakeholders for one night only.
Dr Pearson, head of public engagement at The Royal Academy of Engineering, told me that the play, called ‘Breathing Country’, is a £250,000 project that has been touring the country. The script by Ben Musgrove aims to engage teenagers aged 14-18 about EPRs, which are in the process of being rolled-out nationally.
“The whole idea is to raise awareness for young people about electronic patient records and find out from them about their issues and concerns,” he explained. “The London tour of the play has lasted eight weeks, with two performances a day, and has been incredibly successful.”
The storyline
Performed by the Y-Touring group, a branch of the health charity Central YMCA, the play follows the fortunes of a teenage couple, Simon and Lizzie, who are caught up in a world where technology has taken over.
Simon is a technology geek who is forever updating his status on social networking sites, while Lizzie has isolated herself and is secretly struggling with mental health problems following the suicide of her mother.
To avoid the awkward subject of his wife’s death, Lizzie’s father has thrown himself into his job of promoting the EPR, as head of communications at the Department of Health.
Lizzie reacts furiously when she realises that her closely guarded secret is not as safe as she thought when she is asked to take part in an NHS mental health study as a result of her EPR being shared electronically.
But the researcher she confronts is a GP who helps her with her anxiety attacks. And despite having a USB stick with her medical records stolen by Simon, who is desperate to find out what is wrong, Lizzie finally comes to terms with her mother’s death.
The tour, which is funded by the Wellcome Trust, Medical Research Council, Engineering and Physical Sciences Research Council, Central YMCA and the Economic and Social Research Council, is part of a wider drive to get the public actively engaged in the project.
“We assume that young people aren’t bothered by privacy and are all part of a big brother generation when in actual fact they are really impassioned,” Dr Pearson explained.
“Kids want a partnership contract with the NHS. They don’t want to see electronic patient records as signing their life away, but when they are told that in return for their medical records they can help with medical research or receive better care they are much more positive.”
Collecting information for the record
Each performance is followed by a series of debates. At the beginning of the play, the audience is given an electronic voting handset and asked a series of questions designed to gauge their attitudes towards EPRs and sharing information with medical research bodies.
They are also invited to ‘hot seat’ the characters (ask questions of the actors in character). Focus groups are also held and young people are asked to write a review as a critic.
Feedback will be collated and disseminated to policy makers and public health organisations, including the DH, the NHS Research Council and NHS Connecting for Health, at a two day conference in March 2010.
Dr Marlene Winfield, director for patients and public at CfH, who was seeing the play for the second time in as many nights at the Wellcome Trust production, told EHI: “It’s an absolutely brilliant way of getting people involved.
“By the end of the plays, a lot of the children who may have been skeptical at first were saying that they, as teenagers, felt that they had a responsibility to the people that come after them to learn about the records.”
CfH has been an advisor to the play right from the beginning, generating ideas, briefing the cast and the playwright on systems and the risks and benefits they present, and then reading draft scripts and making comments.
“We will be using this, alongside other feedback, to inform policy over time around what sort of choices to offer both teenagers and adults,” Winfield added.
Sex, drugs and EPR
The performances have been so successful that the tour will continue nationally from the beginning of next year, with the intention of reaching between 10,000 and 15,000 young people across the country.
Nigel Townsend, executive director of the Y-Touring theatre group, said: “It’s a rich mix of combination with experts in the area of science and experts in the area of theatre. Plays that tour schools tend to be about sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll this is a very different.”
One of the critic reviews, written by a teenage girl from Sutton Grammar School said: “Before today I probably wouldn’t have even thought about my medical record until I was 18. The whole Breathing Country experience was amazing and really helped me and I am sure plenty of other people will spend more time thinking about the important issue of medical research.”
Pearson added: “They said it couldn’t be done, but we’ve done it. Even I’ll admit that it can sound like a dry subject, but working together we’ve really turned it round and made it into something that everyone can enjoy.”
And when I found myself as part of the standing ovation at the end of the performance, I realised she could be right.
Download and listen to the radio adaptation of 'Breathing Country' at www.theatreofdebate.com
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After suffering regular panic attacks and nightmares that began at the age of 6 or 7 years old, at around the age of 16 I had a dream where an invisible entity chased me through a dark and bleak landscape.
In the dream, the entity, although invisible and I had no idea what it was, felt deeply evil to me, and I was utterly terrified with an almost paralyzing fear. This invisible identity had chased me in other nightmares also, not to mention my waking panic attacks. I believed it was an evil spirit, or that I was possessed.
In the dream I ran... eventually I came to a small iron hut and I ran inside. Once inside, I looked toward the door which was slightly ajar.
I noticed there was a dark silhouette on the inside of the door, and upon closer inspection I noticed that this profile was my own.
Upon awakening, I realised then, that the fear that had arisen within me in every panic attack, was simply myself. It was fear of fear, and all this happened within my own mind. Yet in my child-like inability to examine my own mind objectively, I perceived all fear to be of something outside of myself, coming from external sources, even if invisible.
The door was indeed open, and there was no-one chasing and imprisoning me except myself, and this fear was invisible, because it had no real existence except as a dream identity, even if I was awake when experiencing the panic.
I realised I was all three: the terrifying entity chasing myself, the keeper of the door, and the one that was terrified. In a way I had been possessed, but only by the illusions of my own mind, and its inability to distinguish between dream and reality.
I never had another panic attack after that dream and following realisation.
However the realisation never went so deep as to eliminate all fear from my life at that time, not at all.
But it was an opening that never shut, and continues to open wider and wider, 30 years later.
I made this charcoal drawing shortly after my realisation.
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Silas played by Gavin Bell, Maya played by Amantha Edmead, Vijay played by Josef Altin and Dino played by Spencer Charles Noll
in Y Touring's Theatre of Debate® production, ‘Mind the Gap ’, is a play by award-winning playwright Abi Bown.
Photo Bob Workman
Times Educational Supplement Review of Mind the Gap by Heather Neill
12th October 2004
How should you react when someone behaves oddly in the street? When might a frightening stranger be ill rather than sinister? What is happening to an old person diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease? Is someone who commits a crime while drunk or on drugs responsible for his or her actions? What if a person cannot control changes in the brain? Does that excuse behaviour? How should society deal with the mentally ill? Is ‘care in the community’ a sensible policy? Is it always wrong to use drugs that might improve your chance of success as well as your health?
Y Touring is a north London theatre company that visits schools to perform plays, usually with scientific themes, for which it receives funding from the Wellcome Trust. But scientific subjects often raise ethical questions as well. Genetic modification, cloning, using animal organs to treat human illness, these are obvious subject where science, RE, PSHE and philosophy overlap.
‘Mind the Gap’, Y Touring’s latest play, contains information about the workings of the brain, but the plot is at least as much about social interaction, especially involving people who have conditions that affect the brain. The action takes place on the platform of a tube station. Vijay appears nervous when he enters; he is travelling alone to a court and fears he might suffer a panic attack.
A delay at the station throws him into conversation with Maya, an elderly woman who can no longer rely on her memory and frequently becomes confused. She set off some months ago to meet her estranged son, but is now not sure whether she did or not. She returns to the station frequently just in case.
Dino, a homeless drug addict, also finds himself on the platform where these two and Silas the wise kiosk man wait.
It is gradually revealed that they are all connected: Vijay’s girlfriend was murdered by Dino, who pushed her under a train while high on drugs. Maya was there too, and the ensuing outcry, she eventually remembers, stopped her keeping her appointment with her son.
At St Martin in the Fields High School for Girls, a secondary school in Tulse Hill, south London, Year 11 drama and RE students face questions put to them for discussion before and after the performance. If you could choose to remember everything, would you? If you could take a pill to improve your memory before an exam, would you? If you did, would you share it with friends? If it were possible to scan the brains of students to monitor their behaviour, would that be a good thing? Is alcoholism a disease?
The response are inteligent and thoughtful. Here are a few: being able to remember all facts might be helpful for exams, but it might be things it would be more comfortable to forget. And besides, facts alone do not bring you exam success. If it is cheating for athletes to take performance enhancing drugs, it must be for students too. It might be fair enough if a student suffering from dyslexia were helped by drugs. As for the brain scans which might improve behaviour in schools, what about privacy? Who would have the right to use the information and how? Alcoholism can be the result of circumstances. No one is forced to drink, so it must be a matter for personal responsibility.
Afterwards, Allison Boreham, Sy Martin’s head of RE, said she found a number of helpful leads for class discussion in Mind the Gap. Her students are mainly Christian and Muslim, most study RE, and she also teaches an AS level philosophy course. She thought the questions raised would be especially useful for AS level ehtics and the GCSE moral issues paper which has a unit about relationships and caring for less fortunate people.
But couldn’t she put the questions to her students without the help of drama? Clearly, a good deal of discussion happens in lessons at St Martin’s; that is obvious from the enthusiastic way the students enter into debate, but Alison says they respond well to the acting out of stories, putting the questions into context. And they seemed to be enjoying the characterisation which helped them personalise theoretical questions. A case of turning a crisis into a drama, to make snese of it.
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So I've been really stressed out the past couple months.. Just stressing about the future, and my career, and college, and a lot of other stuff. Suffered from a few panic attacks in the last year or two. (Not cool, very scary experience).
So I've been seeing a counselor/therapist and things have gotten better. Just thanking God every day for guiding me each day.
These things produce "white noise", so people sitting in the waiting room don't hear what's going on inside the rooms.
Edit: Film/Troyish
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