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Notes from New Web Technologies, a talk from Chris Lea.
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I have been busy recently, what with orientation, enrolments and such. i am finally going back into uni proper. i know these are ANU notes from eons ago, but they are still relevant with what i am doing....
just tabbing them to sort out the relevance. as well as highlighting the different relevance (e.g pink goes with globalisation or a different week etc)
How do you explain to those around you, the ones you love dearly and cherish that you will not die of natural causes. That it's your destiny to die by your own hands. This is the only way I know how to explain it. I know in my heart one day I will take my own life and with a smile on my face. Whether or not I'll ever get help or not. I will die from suicide. I've accepted it long ago. Something I know will happen one day. I desire it honestly. More than anything in life. I dream about my death and how I can do it with as little after effect on those I care about. It is the only way I know all this will stop, the insanity, the voices, the visions and delusions I suffer from. Day to day I fight with myself of whether or not what I'm thinking is real. Whether or not those I trust or love are really there or if they are part of my imagination. Whether or not the feelings shared by others is even real. Or if simply put everyone is really after me. Every day.. Every fucking waking day I think about this. Whether or not anyone is even real. One day it has to end, it won't ever happen with any type of medication. They simply allow me to mask it. I wish I knew when, but I can say it won't be a long time. But it will happen, no denying the truth of it. It will be the only way I am able to stop all of this. The thing has stings most though when I think about it is my fiancee and childrens' faces. It won't stop it but it does make it seem more real to me than anything else. There is only so much one person can take mentally. Everyone eventually has a breaking point.
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Martin Luther is framed against the Luther Place Memorial Church just North of Thomas Circle in Washington, DC, USA.
If Bob Dylan had been born in 1991 and lived in Sydney, he might've sounded a little bit like this guy.
[NOTE: For the full story, check out the first post in this series.]
God is on lockdown - but it seems some places do allow visitation rights.
This was the fourth house of worship I visited on Friday. In many ways, it seemed "alive" from the outset. There were people hanging out, sitting on the steps. Turns out the church runs a charter school on the premises.
I still did not expect to get into the sanctuary, but the office worker acted as if my request was not out of the ordinary. She had another employee lead me to the sanctuary because she was the only person in the office and did not want to leave it unattended.
I spent my time in the sanctuary just looking around, walking up and actually touching some of the instruments of worship to confirm I was really INSIDE. And then I sat in a pew.
I don't know if I was speaking to anyone in particular when I started whispering. The staff left me alone, and there was no one else there besides me. But if S/someone was listening, T/they heard me recite from memory some well known passages of the Christian Bible. Then T/they heard me recite - still in a whisper, but in syncopated fashion - the words to two of my best karaoke songs that were appropriate for the occasion. Finally, T/they heard me verbalize an internal debate and struggle that was behind my need to seek out a place of meditation and reflection in the first place.
Then i was done. And I walked out, feeling grateful that - even in this day and age - I had not been completely locked out.
Were things automatically better for me? Of course not.
But I got to use my voice. And when you are allowed to speak
maybe S/someone hears.
My reminder. I found this on the street in Ottawa and I read it everyday and it reminds me to have faith. I was shocked when I found it, it completely describes my life and way of thinking. It was written by a stranger, but I think they wrote it for me.
It reads:
What had been one clear path now forks. Yet each trail leads me to the same destination
No decision was in itself a decision.
Note Taking Tip: Identify the most relevant information. Write down individual words or key phrases that are most relevant to the topic at hand -- things like dates, names, theories, definitions -- only the most important details should make the cut. #notes #notetaking