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This photo caught me in a genuinely reflective moment in early June during a rather wonderful day of cross-dressing. I find I am still dealing with my cross-dressing and as the shutter closed I was suddenly in a moment of pure contentment because I was wearing full make-up, a wig, my entire body had been waxed and was smooth and hair free, I had plucked my eyebrows, I had false breasts, I was a wearing a bra and knickers, I was wearing a dress and high heel shoes, my nails were painted and I had attached clip on ear rings and dabbed on perfume. I suddenly found myself wondering about the whole thing, was I doing something wrong? Was I right to give into my desire to dress up as a woman? Why was I doing this? Many thoughts cascaded through my mind at this brief moment in time.
I describe myself as a transvestite and I like calling myself that. I find it gives me a thrill to realise I am a man that loves dressing up as a woman. In fact I think its an amazing thing to experience as a male. I enjoy all the effort and commitment required to try and look female. One of the big appeals is how far dare I push things to attempt to be feminine. As I'm not feminine it is a challenge for me and I'm drawn into it every time I cross-dress.
I'll be honest and admit I wish I was physically feminine and had smooth soft skin and a feminine face and physically smaller and slimmer, I would dearly love to be more feminine than masculine but I'm stuck with what I've got as I'm a man.
I enjoy living as a man the majority of the time but without warning the desire to be female can suddenly crash in and consume me and I could weep with the frustration of not being a woman. It's interesting as I feel I am definitely a transvestite, I like being an occasional cross-dressing male yet, I cannot deny at times the urge to be female is dominant and I desperately wish I was one. This overwhelming emotional desire can have me in its grip me for periods and I now know that eventually it diminishes and I get on with life as a man again. I feel there is an element of transsexualism within me as I do love being a woman when I dress up as one.
I am always aware though I am just dressing up and acting know matter how much effort I put into it, I'm still a man under the wig, make-up and dress. Funnily though, that very knowledge thrills and excites me, I genuinely like the idea I'm posing as a woman and it is all an illusion. Of course for me personally I have no real belief I succeed in my female illusion but I adore the experiences and gain a lot of reward from spending time in my female alter-ego. It works rather nicely on several levels for me, emotionally I love it, I enjoy the delight of having a shaved hair free body, I absolutely love wearing make-up...mascara, lipstick, eye-liner...ooh, such heaven! Having tucked genitals, false breasts and wearing lingerie and dresses and skirts is again such a delight and utterly wonderful and as for high heels, I just feel fabulous when I slip them on.
I know I look like a parody of a woman and not like a real woman but I do find an emotional comfort once I'm transformed to the best of my ability and I don't feel unsettled by my swapping gender in my head and acting more female. I've said it before but I would like to experience some time in the role of a woman. It may sound homosexual but I would like to be a female companion out for dinner or a wee drink with a man and I would play the part one hundred percent as a female. I'm not attracted to men at all but the desire to pass a woman and spend time as a female makes me feel such an experience would make my female illusion feel like it's working. It sounds harsh but the man would merely be a prop for my performance. I do see my Helene persona as more of a character acting performance as I ultimately know I live as a man. I've said many times I'm also frustrated actor at heart and the idea of playing a woman convincingly really holds great appeal and also the transsexual element within me feels at home with the scenario I outlined.
What I am attempting to to do, or more accurately become is an heterosexual woman. I know it's an act but I would love to play the role and see if I could carry it off convincingly. I would love to be referred to as 'she', 'her' and perceived as a lady...I would love it!
My biggest ambition is to one day master the ability of completely swapping gender and acting naturally as a woman. I can already do the man thing but I am intrigued to see if I can also be a woman when I become Helene. I lack the self belief just now and I am not that confident in my skills and abilities so much work is needed. I have been accused of being homosexual for expressing similar ambitions for my female persona in the past but I compare myself more to a straight male actor playing a gay man. In my case I'm a straight male playing a female character and I want to play the role realistically. I need to become the woman I am portraying to make the experience feel real to me.
There is of course a flip side to all of this as part of me says 'Really? Maybe you do have homosexual tendencies'. But really I don't quite feel that is correct for me. I just feel what I seek is when I'm a man then I'm a man but as I have an emotional need to feel I can be female now and again then it is natural that when I become a woman then I am a woman. Is it possible to be heterosexual in both genders when one of them, the female, is just an illusion because I'm really a man? I am excited by this as I believe one can be and the sheer daring and adventure of that is both thrilling and a personal challenge I'm attracted to exploring.
I do get frustrated by many in the transgender world being too simplistic and forcing things into black and white explanations, I think as transgender people things are very complex for us in many areas and this is not just about ones sexuality. For example the age old complaint of women can wear male clothing and nobody questions their choices but men cant wear women's clothes without being seen as odd does not quite hold water. When women wear male clothing they usually still look unmistakably like women, its rare they are perceived as being male. Also, they are not trying to look like men. However, when men dress in women's clothing we do take it a lot further as we wear make-up, wigs with female hair styles, add breasts and some of us shave our legs, chest and arms and tuck away our male genitals and wear female underwear...in short we are not just wearing female clothes in our case we are actually trying to look like women, it's quite a different approach to women wearing male clothing. There is a lot more going on in for cross-dressers than just clothes and make-up, we definitely take it emotionally and physically into different area, when we cross-dress many of us desire to look feminine and to look like women.
A friend recently asked me outright why I dressed up as a woman, it was curiosity not a hostile question. I found it was impossible to give him a simple answer as my own desire to seems to have several different motivations driving it. If I were simplistic about it I could say it's because I really enjoy it and I admit I really do! Yet within me are the things I described earlier in this musing and at its core I do have part of me that wishes I was indeed female yet the majority of my being likes my life as a man. I think it comes down to each of us who engage in transvestism has personal urges and desires and some are common but many are individual. I like dressing up and acting the part yet I know I would also like to be that women for real. Part of me believes I can be an heterosexual woman and when I am dressed as Helene I can talk reasonably comfortably about men and enjoy their attention. As I admitted I would be thrilled to actually play the role one hundred percent and be seen with a man and this leads onto what else would I do? Would I allow myself to be kissed? Would I have sex with a man? The reality I feel confident about it is I would not get intimate with a man as I'm married and loyal to my wife so it is unlikely anything I've outlined would ever happen. However, I like to question myself as I can delude myself and I ask if I were not in a relationship how far would I go? I do have a deep curiosity to see how much of a woman I can be and act as so maybe I would allow those kisses and enjoy flirting with a man. I will admit when I am dressed as a woman I am thrilled if a man desires me or finds me attractive as a woman. I cannot quite see that I really look female enough but it has happened and I was definitely thrilled by it.
I remember once, back in 2002, I hired a make-up artist to help me learn about applying make-up as I was keen to look good in make-up...ha! Some hope, I told you I was delusional. He told me once I was transformed into Helene that I was behaving like a man and very self conscious. I said something unconvincing in reply and he said look you've gone to all this effort so best become the female you are presenting as. He was right, I realised my own inhibitions and concerns were holding my female persona back, I needed to shake them off and move forward and embrace my female self. That meant I had to swap genders in my head and become a woman. That thought terrified me for my nearly a decade. It is only in the last few years I managed to attempt this and really this is thanks to a few years ago the tireless encouragement of Michele Bennet and in recent years the most wonderful support and encouragement ever from the lovely Pamela Lennon in Ireland that has revolutionised my mental attitude to cross-dressing and trying to fulfil my dreams. I owe those wonderful ladies a lot and I am still amazed they persisted with me. I confess I adore Pamela as she has enlightened me and been incredibly influential and has empowered me to true liberation as Helene. When others attacked me last year it was Pamela that supported me and never lost heart in encouraging my dream and rekindled my belief in Helene as I nearly gave up on my female self at one point.
Being a transvestite is an emotive experience and full of uncertainty and one can be a bit sensitive about things relating to it. It is a complex thing to live with and though it comes with incredible experiences, delights and joy it is for me always tinged with concerns, doubts and a high degree of guilt, fear and uncertainty, it's all part of the heady mix that goes with the knowledge and activity of being a transvestite.
Challenge for Digitalmania-create an interesting collaged background with a vintage image as the centre-piece. After Brandie Butcher-Isley style.
Ephemera from itKuPilli. Other elements from MZimm Land Far Away.
So the builds done I just don't have the story or very good lighting atm :P
Build is inspired by Color www.flickr.com/photos/ironbricks/6370626235/in/set-721576...
(NOTE The entire build is not shown in the picture above)
Anyway Have anybody else here that has successfully cut and applied Lego stickers to clone troopers and had problems with them staying on? They always slide around and come off is there a special way of putting them on that prevents this from happening?
Flickr Lounge ~ Game
Thank you to everyone who pauses long enough to look at my photo. Any comments or Faves are very much appreciated.
A drawing I did for Underground Art School Magazine.
undergroundartschool.blogspot.com/
Explore: Sep 29, 2008 #395
Gentlemen — A Question — What is your very lovely lady back home doing right now? Why Ask? Because an hour ago she went on Facebook and Flickr and Twitter to comment on your latest photo & video postings. So you know exactly what your woman is doing this morning — she’s monitoring your social media posts. 😏
Here’s another thought — Is it possible that your very lovely lady has spent the last 28 years ‘Living Las Vegas’ and ‘Leaving Las Vegas’ far better than you? She knows pretty much everything you know because she’s known you for 28 years and because she’s spent the last 15+ months of the Coronavirus Global Pandemic monitoring your last three Las Vegas trips. And so from the safety and comfort of her suburban back yard lounger, she has monitored on her handy 🍎 iPad your desperate attempts at ‘Living Las Vegas’ Coronavirus Style. 🤔
Gents — How many times over the course of 28 years of ‘Loving/Living/Leaving Las Vegas’ did your very lovely lady spent her entire departure day laying out at the hotel cabana swimming pool sun bathing while you, on the other hand, spent your entire day out in the hot desert sun on Flickr camera safari?!?! The last time you and your woman ventured to the Vegas Strip together, y’all didn’t see each other on departure day until you brought down her luggage to the hotel’s shuttle station for the 5pm shuttle to the airport. 😎
So now that your wonderful seven day Vegas Vacation has come down to its last bittersweet four hours — what is your plan to slow down time and makes those last four hours last forever? 🤔 Perhaps you should stroll on over to the ABSINTHE box office at Caesars Palace to purchase a pair of close up theatre seats for your August visit — Hopefully next time in the cozy company of your very lovely lady! 😃
Question Block from Super Mario Bros. Lots of jumper plates and a bit of SNOT (studs not on top).
Update 1: At the Jet City Comic Show 2012 SEALUG Display
Four small metal objects found during walks.
Instructions: Assume you do not know anything about these objects. List five questions you think you should ask about them.
hey guys,
I have few questions about flickr, cameras and stuff
1. I can't decide if I need to renew my flickr account when it's expired — just to upload dozen of photos once in 6 months, what do you think? have you heard about any future flickr changes?
2. I'm a little bit tired of 6x6 and want to try 6x45 but never tried it, what cameras can you advice?
3. what is the best color film you've ever worked with?
thanks!
View in Original size: www.flickr.com/photos/nsxbirder/51513786749/sizes/o/
QUESTION MARK BUTTERFLY-09212890-
One of the videos from the time when Heather was answering questions from her fans.
Heather, October, 2012; We invite you to visit Heather's modeling page, to learn a little about her and to see all of the photo eBook offerings that she has (one of them is free).
Mentre un raggio di sole illumina le case riscaldandole con i suoi deboli raggi (al plutonio) il temporale si appresta a dire la sua.
I'm having problems getting the top lid off and also the clear paper around it. It just sticks to it and does any one know how to fix this problem???
The new bulletin cover for our series "Hard Questions Jesus Asked" at Four Corners Church.
Ever wonder how much easier it would be to follow Jesus if all of your questions could be answered? Ironically, when Jesus walked the earth he did not spend a lot of time giving answers -- instead he asked a lot of questions.
Over the next few Sundays, we're looking at some of the HARD QUESTIONS JESUS ASKED that still impact our lives today:
• Why is fear such a big part of your life?
• Where is God when you really need him?
• Is there more to knowing Jesus than
going to church, praying and reading your Bible?
for those of you who are in london: do you know where can i buy precious metal clay offline? some art store? preferably somewhere inside 1st or 2nd zones, near the center of the city? i'm going to visit you at the first half of march and really would like to buy this thing. thanks!
Hey Flickr friends,
My DH and myself seem to have a difference in opinions. I was wondering if you would be able to help me out?? See I spend HOURS on my babies (cakes) and love to take pictures of them. I'm proud of my talents and love to display them. My DH thinks that I should only post one picture, or two at the most of my cakes and the details I add. I, on the other hand love to show all the little details and showing them up close so you all may enjoy and appreciate them. But I wonder if it detours others from browsing my photo stream?? My DH says that viewers may get board and move on quickly. So what I'm asking is please give me your honest opinion. What do you think is the appropriate amount of pictures I should upload for each cake...lol ; )
Thanks friends!!
-Andrea
What brings you more agony??? Doing something you know you shouldn’t do but have no regrets about it? Or.... not doing it and being in agony over wondering what would have happened had you done it?
You can't see it well in this photo, but her left arm is in a cast. Halfway through the crosswalk, she put down the skateboard and skated away, bare feet pushing madly on the asphalt.
Invercargill and the province of Southland.
A puzzled question is why does a city of 50,000 people exist on the southernmost tip of NZ which has the bleakest climate? Invercargill is the coolest, most bleak and cloudiest city in NZ. It averages just 1,600 hours of sunshine a year compared with 1,500 for London, 2,050 in Christchurch, 2,800 in Adelaide and 3,200 in Perth WA. It has around 200 mm of rain every month of the year and it is a very windy city. It is in fact one of the largest southern cities in the world only surpassed by Ushuaia and Punta Arenas in Argentina and Chile respectively. But because of its latitude it has long summer days. Even in mid-October when we visit the length of day will be around 13.5 hours with the sun setting around 8:20 pm. In high summer twilight ends around 10:30 pm with a 16 hour long day like in Scotland. At this time of the year one can often see the Aurora Australis or Southern Lights an atmospheric phenomena of subarctic regions. Like Dunedin Invercargill was settled by the Scots. Many of its streets and families have Scottish names. It developed as an offshoot of Scottish Otago. The Surveyor General of Otago selected the site for a new town in 1856 and laid out the streets in a grid pattern on this very flat city. The first land was sold in 1858 and by 1861 Invercargill was a very small but flourishing town. Why? Because it had three main riches, apart from some gold found in the hinterland in 1860: it had the largest most fertile plains of NZ; it had a coastline rich with oysters, lobsters, cod fish and abalone( paua); and it had heavily forested mountains with hardwoods which were in great demand throughout the world- rimu, totara, silver beech etc. These basic factors meant that the province of Southland when it separated from Otago in 1861 had a bright future. The land, rainfall, soils and seas would provide for the people as it had done for the Maoris before the whites arrived. Southland consequently has had a rich and varied agricultural past ranging from sheep pastoralism, grain growing especially oats for porridge and barley for illicit whisky making (how could the Scots survive in this cold climate without whisky?) ,linen flax growing and milling, dairying and milk processing, fish and seafood canning, timber cutting and timber mills, and meat freezing and butchering works. These rural industries necessitated railways and like Dunedin Invercargill become a major rail head with lines going north to Lumsden, Kingston and Queenstown in the Alps, across to Gore, and west towards Fjordland and the richly forested valleys adjacent to it. Timber in particular needed the railways. Invercargill established railway workshops and the manufacturing steam engines for the railways of NZ. Its first railway line was built in 1867 to the Bluff, the port for Southland. It was connected to Christchurch by 1878.
In the 20th century Southland has developed hydroelectricity which in turn has attracted industry to the region. Possums introduced from across the Tasman in 1858 have become a major pest but they have also spawned a new industry- possum textiles and woollens; red deer were introduced from Europe in 1901 to Fjordland and now with the advent of helicopters and helicopter farming they are “farmed” for venison and processed near Invercargill. The story of Southland and Invercargill is one generally of success and success based on the climate and the resources of the land. For example, dairying has been strong since the early 1880s and continues today with Fonterra Milk processing mainly for export to Asia; linen flax milling continued until 1956; flourmills have processed wheat and the oat mill in Gore produced porridge oats; and Chewings Fescue was found to thrive in Southland and has become a major industry producing lawns for houses around NZ. Southland introduced prohibition in 1905 which lasted until 1945 and the illegal moonshine or whisky making in the hills east of Invercargill near Gore continued whilst that was in place. But the really big success has been hydroelectricity which began with Lake Monowai Power station in 1925. It still powers Invercargill and feeds into the national power grid. More recently the enormous Manapouri Power Station 200 metres below the water level of Lake Manapouri near Te Anau in Fjordland was completed in 1971 after work commenced in 1964. It is the largest hydroelectric station in NZ and the second largest power station in NZ. It was developed for Comalco to erect an aluminium smelter and refinery at the Bluff near Invercargill which is now run by Rio Tinto and employs nearly 3,000 people from Invercargill but its financial viability is shaky and the plant has been threatened with closure. Another major industry of Invercargill is fertiliser production.
•Invercargill is a Scottish settlement. 40% of Invercargill’s suburbs and nearby towns have Scottish names and the first Presbyterian Church was the leading church of the province. The current church replaced an earlier 1863 church in 1915 when it was completed. It is built of brick with a domed roof, a 100 foot high tower and it is in the Italian Romanesque style. It is on the highway from Dunedin at 151 Tay St. Next on the right is St Johns Anglican Church( 108 Tay St) in red brick built in 1887; almost next door is the impressive Town Hall and Theatre ( 88 Tay St) built 1906 in classical style; next is the YMCA building of 1910 at 77 Tay St; at the roundabout (the location of the Boer War Memorial) at the end of the street is the old Bank of NSW built in 1904 on the right whilst on the left is the former Cornerstone Bank of NZ building from 1879 ; as you turn right into Dee St. you will see a plethora of brightly painted heritage buildings all in good repair – partly because the city’s young mayor from Auckland some years ago supported and encouraged this to revitalise the city. At 136 Dee St is the Blackman building with the large black swan on the roof line and further along (178 Dee St.) is the Gothic St Pauls Presbyterian Church built in 1876 and added to in 1881. In Victoria Ave is the former but now closed Information Centre and Southland Museum. Here also is Queens Park with its rhododendron dell rock garden, magnificent trees etc. Nearby is the City water Tower (a flat city needed a tower for water pressure) built in 1888 with 300,000 red, yellow and black bricks. 101 Doon St.
Other heritage buildings include: