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"Awake" [8/52]
So, I wish I could leave this image without an explanation but I really can't. I'd like to first say that I do not endorse suicide in any way. Let me explain before you destroy me.
This image was pretty difficult for me to make. It took me about a year to gather up the courage and give myself permission to photograph it. I sat on the idea for a really long time thinking it would never see the light. This image isn't about suicide per se.
This is the first image in my new series titled "Lucid Dreamer". I'm wanting to depict the images from my nightmares, hallucinations, and lucid dreaming during Sleep Paralysis. I'm a heavy lucid dreamer. Sometimes I have fun with it and sometimes my fear is so great that I can't change what's happening but I can escape it.
This series will be dark. It will show the many ways I've escaped my nightmares... shooting myself, jumping off buildings, etc. It's been the only way I've been able to wake myself up from these horrible dreams. Usually if I don't wake myself up in these ways, I'll wake up with them in my room. I'll wake up paralyzed, hyper ventilating, and staring my fears face to face. I'd rather awake abruptly than to go through hours of teetering back and forth between what is real and what is not.
You may be wondering how I know if my dreams are real or not. Lucid dreaming is very specific for me in the sence of things I know that are wrong are VERY wrong in my dreams and I notice it and it wakes me up inside my dreams. Maybe I'm not explaining this very well but it's me.
I've been wanting to get these off my chest for such a long time now and I never fully gave myself the "do it". I used to be fearless with my photography... I didn't care and over time I crawled into a hole and allowed myself to be silent. I won't be anymore.
Thanks for all visits, comments and Favs. Copyright © Gabor Matesz Photos. All rights reserved. Please don't use without my permission.
"My dreams are a cruel joke, they taunt me.
Even in my dreams I'm an idiot who knows he's about to wake up to reality.
If I could only avoid sleep, but I can't.
I try to tell myself what to dream.
I try to dream that I'm flying.
Something free.
It never works."
It's springtime in Australia now with the winter flowering plants saying goodbye and the dazzling colour of the orchids bursting forth once more.
One of the joys of democracy in action was seeing ex-tory Chancellor George Osborne able yesterday, the last day before polling, to use his editorship of the Evening Standard to say "all is forgiven I'll take that Lordship now".
She´s a nightowl.
Not supposed to wake her up when the sun is up.
A very rare, pre-coffee, portrait.
"you live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. then you read a book… or you take a trip… and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. the symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. the second symptom (when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. that is all. it appears like an innocuous illness. monotony, boredom, death. millions live like this (or die like this) without knowing it. they work in offices. they drive a car. they picnic with their families. they raise children. and then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death. some never awaken."
- anaïs nin, the diary of anaïs nin, vol. 1: 1931-1934
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Agfa Isolette II with Fuji Provia 100F 120 film.
Cross processed at home with Tetenal C-41 kit.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ww2AYxrPqkk (Party Fears Two, The Associates).