questioning photos on Flickr

Roads That Lead To [29/52] by AnthonyMikeLee

1 29

In the recent days I've found myself looking at where I am in life, at this very moment in time. I am amazed, happy, ever questioning, and confused. I am amazed because I cannot even begin to count the blessings I have in my life (one being I didn't get run over while taking this photo!), and the count goes up every day I when I wake up. I am happy because I have no regrets about who I am or my choices. I am ever questioning because I am always asking myself what the next move is, what the next day has in store, or what big guns upstairs has in mind for me.

I am confused because at one point or another, every one finds a road they take in life -while we are speaking metaphorically, life is a map. And no, you don't have the pleasure of having a GPS unit! Unless or course you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth ... and there are some out there who fall in this denomination.

Every decision we make is synonymous with making turns, detours, and even running into dead ends. Challenges we encounter serve as potholes or bumps. Stress and roadblocks in life -someone gets flat tire, we lend a hand. Need a jump? I've got you. That's what friends are for. Every piece of rubble, or loose asphalt on the ground serves as an experience that molds us on our journey (I felt painfully through my shorts as I sat there!). Some continue down a road only to find out too late they've gone in the wrong direction. As I look down the road I am on, I see great things -and great people ... great destinations. But I must admit that from time to time I do ask myself if this is my road.

I believe we never really find out where we are going until we get where we are supposed to be. Hell, you may very well be on your way to Narnia! Above all, one thing I've learned via experience is to just enjoy the ride. Because when life grabs you by the yee-haws, you just run with it!

Today I met two Flickr-ites for the first time in person! I had lunch at the Ferry Building today with Art Chang, and Melissa Ta! They are from the bay area, and "So-cal" respectively. They're both very talented picture takers, I highly recommend you check both of their streams out. But today was a lot of fun! It's really cool to finally hear what someone sounds like after seeing so many pictures of them, and exchanging messages with them! I wish we could have spent more time together, but I had studying to get back to, and I was parked at a meter ... and those of you who have gotten a ticket downtown in SF ... you now what I am talking about. Hopefully it's not too long before we all hang out again!

This weeks weather has been a total turn around from last weeks weather! Sunshine left and right! It's a beautiful thing. There is still a small chill in the air, especially when the wind comes by, but I beggars can't be choosers! Feeling the heat from the sun while sitting next to a window studying feels nice.

I thought the crop with this image might provide a greater sense of ambiguity and openness to the photo, and the idea behind the photo; making it a little easier to place yourself in my position and read my thoughts.

May ... May is going to be the month of a lot of changes.

Lighting: All Natty

52

Kendra | #inmyexperience by Nikki Massaj: Portrait Therapist

I fell in love at 17 and married that man at 25. We were the ideal couple and admired by many. He could build anything, fix anything, was handsome, loving and so very kind. I was the somewhat pretty girl, in my view, but never quite good enough. I grew up with a constant questioning of my looks, my worth, my intelligence. I had a boyfriend for two seconds in 7th grade, and then not again until late in my senior year. And guess what? I married him. Never had I felt more at home and safe, and truly in love. The problem was, I had never stopped questioning my worth. And I continued to look for validation and nods of approval from other people. It became “not enough” to have my husband’s love, I was looking for more. Though I was not aware I was doing this, I also started to measure and question my husband’s love as true or not. This would look like me flirting with people even in front of my husband (if he seemed jealous, maybe he really loved me) or leading people on just enough to have to tell them I was in a relationship. This was a pattern for me, one I didn’t see clearly at the time. (I also didn’t see, couldn’t see that every flirt, glance, or lead-on was me looking for me). And, I loved him. When he would leave for work, I would feel a loss, I loved being with him. I even think he knew about me and my insecurities, and loved me still.

We decided to have kids once he turned 30, and that was when things got really strained.

Jonas came in to this world with an extremely rare genetic disorder that ultrasound and genetic testing at the time did not detect. The dream of starting a family the way I had imagined was thrown into a washing machine, dryer and then a wood chipper. He struggled with life from the start, and ended up in the hospital a lot. That started the dynamic of once my husband came home, I would hand him our son and go hide in housework or a book or some other escape. There was a lot of love, pain, struggling, more hospitalizations, sleepless nights and generalized anxiety. I was not grounded in who I was, I was surviving. Jonas wasn’t even typical for an atypical child. In the handicapped and special needs world, he was the most complex. That wasn’t even the most difficult part. That was the crying. He seemed to never stop. He mostly cried, with little moments of calm (the opposite from other children)...something that didn’t improve much till he was 5 or so. Then I had this great idea to have another baby. At least I could have something ‘normal’ to deal with. Wesley came about 18 months later, and was as I imagined. Perfectly typical. Keeping myself busy, distracted, “important”, having so many reasons to not deal with who I was and what I needed led me to eventually come to the realization that our marriage wasn’t working. He didn’t love me. I had been collecting evidence like “see he didn’t even kiss me goodnight” “he never called to check in from work” or “why does he call me from work, he doesn’t think I know how to take care of the kids?” I had convinced myself he wasn’t the ‘one’ for me after all. That the love must not be real, and it must be somewhere else. So, I started to wait for my true love. And thoughts like “wait, He was my true love so what happened??” came but for some reason I avoided working it out. I had my answer, true love was coming from somewhere else. And then guess what? It did.

I started down the divorce path, and it got real. There were so many moments I knew I had messed everything up, and I should just go back and try to repair things. That was paired with a justification because evidence still showed he didn’t love me. I mean, he was letting me divorce him.

Our divorce took years. I couldn’t do it. Then I could. Then I couldn’t. I stalled, he stalled. I avoided. He avoided. But all the while, I was in a new relationship...the one I called the ‘true love’. The stalling and avoiding was impacting my new relationship. It felt like I was taking off my own arm so that I could feel more complete. And it made as much sense as that. The pain got so overwhelming at one point, I broke up my new relationship thinking it would all get easier. I had been dealing with extreme anger and hatred from my ex-husband’s family. A family I once loved, and who supposedly loved me. There was so much anxiety and fear and pain, at one point I contracted mono, paired with hepatitis and spent months on the couch. Alone. That was when I realized my now ex husband found the love of his life. How could I feel jealous and angry? Well, I did. She was younger. And pretty. Great body. And she had my kids with her half the time. What.the.fuck.

It got ugly. I had finally found moments of peace and workability with my ex husband where he wasn’t angry all the time, and now she’s here? Well, that brought a new level of tension and drama. I remember a soccer game where he brought his brother and parents, and I brought my sister so I’d have backup. His girlfriend was sitting on the ground with Jonas and I couldn’t even get near him. How freaking awkward. What were people thinking. What does it mean about me that I cant just go over there and tell her that I would like to hold my own son. In times like those, I wanted the earth to swallow me up. It went on like that for a while. I had moments of extending the olive branch, and trying to be nice and sharing movie recommendations. Something inside of me knew it could be different. I even saw things I liked about her. And deep down, I still loved my ex. I could see that I didn’t love him romantically per se, but that I was not complete with the way things were. It was like a nagging constant voice of why? why? why? why? In my head. Meaning, why was it like this? Why are we pretending to be enemies? Didn’t it make sense what I did? Aren’t you happier now? Why are you still mad? Voices in my head would confuse me and have me wonder why I’m still wanting him to prove his love to me. After all I did? But it was like that: “You should hate me. Why do you hate me? You should thank me. I am so sorry. You should be sorry. “

Years go by in a mostly polite, kind-of peaceful manner and then I had a great idea. I would invite them to this enormous party I was having for Jonas. He had lived for 10 years by then, and every time he was sick I would try to prepare myself for his death. So when he was about to turn 10, I thought we should throw him a ‘life party’. I rented a place, and catered the event with food and drinks, music, games, and a movie I had made about Jonas (which included his dad and now girlfriend). Well, they came, and it was fine. They managed to find people to talk to without it being awkward for them, and I was so happy to be having a party of love that I didn’t even worry about them. I also didn’t worry if I was hugging my new husband too much. I guess I was starting to feel overall more comfortable inside with the choices we all made. Well then the first of many small miracles happened. When the party was over, she sent me a text. She shared that it was amazing for her to get a glimpse of the mother that I really am, instead of through the lens of my ex family (who still hated my guts I was sure). She saw the love, and what I had created for Jonas, and she started to wonder at the person I really was. It was the first moment perhaps, that she actually saw me. For me, that was validating and gave me the energy to keep going, to keep moving in the direction of healing and peace. Man, all it took was saying something nice to one another. We make it so complicated.

The next monumental moment was after I took a course through Landmark Education and invited her to my ‘graduation night’. She came, and she brought me a gift. I thought that was adorable. Maybe I was starting to actually like this girl? That very night, she signed up for the same course, and signed her husband (my ex husband) up too. Once we all took that course, our healing and forgiving and connecting took off. All we needed was a common language so that no one feels blamed, or wronged. We all learned about how dynamics are created, and how we keep patterns alive in our thinking -and now we had tools to actually share when we got hurt or upset. This is also around the time that I finally started to understand what happened in my marriage. I learned that when I was younger and in a certain moment with my parents, I convinced myself that they didn’t love me. It was not conscious. I also in that moment, learned to shut my love off in response. I then got to see how that had created patterns of hurt and pain, and shutting off my love for people- all without me knowing it was a decision I made from childhood. I actually felt justified and it all felt real. To constantly question people’s love became normal. I collect evidence to support my ‘truth’, and then I usually distance myself from that person. Divorce.

Yes, I do think it could have been avoided had I learned this about myself sooner. But would I go back now? No. I’d even go through the yuckiest, sickest, deepest sadness of my life to be where we are today. After Landmark, we were no longer afraid to share time together. We started hanging out a little bit more. We eventually shared Christmas Eve together. We really enjoyed our time together. We hit a few bumps in the road, but they didn’t stop us, and Megan and I started calling each other if we sensed something was up. We realized we had a common commitment to the kids being happy, and now we were both living from that. In the past three years, my husband and I hosted their first baby shower at our home, we have gone on vacation together, we have had countless dinners, brunches and lunches together. Last Christmas Jonas ended up in the hospital for about 3 weeks. His heart stopped. For 25 minutes. My ex husband Kieran, his wife Megan and I stood at the head of Jonas’s bed and watched while they tirelessly tried to revive him. They surrounded me in love beyond what I could have ever expected. What we shared in that moment, really got me present to that THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT IT IS LIKE TO SHARE A CHILD. Before the drama. Blaming. Comparing. When we are able to forget about our own complaints, judgements, etc...we were just there because we love someone. Our son. Stepson. Whatever. It’s all love. When we let love BE there, it all makes sense. Those few weeks with the four of us in the same hospital room provided a slowing down of life, and a presence with each other that is difficult to achieve in every day life. We talked about what each of us wants for Jonas. What kind of life we want to have for him, for us as a family and as individuals. COVID didn’t stop us, and only kept us in the conversation of how we really want to live. We have had dinners or lunches every weekend when we ‘trade’ the kids. We are talking about that together, anything is possible. We could even live abroad. What can I say? Life works when we clean up our complaints and take responsibility for our happiness. Imagine if I hadn’t invited them to Jonas’s party? It just took an act of kindness.

This is a story about true love. And how I know it exists. No, I didn’t marry my high school sweetheart, travel the world, have 3 kids who are now doctors and lawyers and now we’re sitting on the front porch swing holding hands.

No, no, it’s much more than that. Love, Grief, and Gut Wrenching Pain. Dreams and expectations thwarted. Lies of the worst kind. Near death experiences. Divorce. Is the true love about my current husband? No. And yes. It is the true love that existed all along that allowed for healing and an ultimately stable environment for our kids. True love, isn’t the marriage that lasts for 40 years only. It is there in the mess, in the hurt, in the pain, in the lies. It’s just covered up by our opinions and thoughts about it all. I am so profoundly happy that I listened to the voice (that was almost silenced) that I could still love my first husband, and that it didn’t have to be romantic to still be love. And trust it to build what we built. Kieran held the other end of this. I am so grateful to his wife Megan for being so strong and badass to allow space for that to happen. And my husband, who tirelessly fought for us to all heal.

And lastly, perhaps the greatest love affair was me falling in love with me. I never knew how to do that. Everyone says ‘love yourself so that you can love others’. But no one ever tells us what that actually looks like in real life. It might look like saying “No”. Maybe not having the third glass of wine because you don’t need it to feel ‘comfortable’. Maybe it looks like exercising not to get into a size ‘6’ but because you want to nurture your well being. Telling the truth. Not needing so much validation. It might look different altogether for others. But its not a course, we do not get a certificate in this. It becomes a declaration. For me, I declare myself worthy of love exactly as I am, with my awful mistakes and loving intentions all the same. I hope this inspires all to do the same. No matter what.