View allAll Photos Tagged heartbroken
Some moments are so difficult that I stop for a second and cry. It's a form of mindfulness, I'm sure.
The winter of 2005-2006 was the darkest of my life. I was 19 years old at the time, withdrawn from college, working my first full-time job in retail, and in an extremely unhealthy relationship. I was isolated from my friends and family. I felt completely alone, unseen, and unloved. I didn’t know how to get myself out of that state of mind or being. On a dark night in January 2006, heartbroken and helpless, I sat on the floor of my bedroom trying to convince myself to commit suicide. I don’t remember the day because a lot of that time is a blur. But I remember that night clearly. I remember the way my body felt. It was hollow, aching, and exhausted. Tears poured from my eyes and onto the carpet. I was telling myself over and over that no one loved me, that I was worthless, and that the world would be better off without me. My saving grace that night was that I didn’t want to really die, but I just didn’t want to live the way I had been. I may have hurt myself deeply that night, but I thank that young version of myself for staying in the fight. It would take another year before I got any relief from my pain, a beautiful 2 year respite, and then the inevitable resurfacing of patterns and habits in 2009 that had gone unhealed.
Despite all of that, she is the version of myself I am most grateful for. She decided to stop digging the hole she had been digging her whole life, to say there must be something other then this hole, and she looked up. She saw light. It might have been the tiniest speck of light really far away, but it was better than the endless darkness beneath her feet. She started to climb. She would slip and fall back into the hole, over and over, and she would cry. She would look up and say it’s impossible. But the ever present darkness surrounding her would make her start climbing again anyway, despite the seemingly impossible task ahead. She closed her eyes and asked for help. She didn’t know who she was asking, or if she were praying or begging, but she put her heart out there. And then a root appeared right when she needed it to, offering her a safe place to grab hold of so she wouldn’t fall back to the bottom. She never fell back to the bottom again, but the top was still so far away. The climb was the hardest thing she had ever done, but over time she came upon more roots that would help guide her to the top. The more she climbed, the stronger she became. She began learning to maneuver the vertical climb, adapting her body and mind to the struggle. More roots were presenting themselves the higher she climbed, some were so long she was able to lean on them when she needed to rest. She began to enjoy the struggle. The light continued to grow brighter. The impossible suddenly became possible. She climbed faster, harder, and more determined than ever. Until one day, she reached the top. She closed her eyes and began to cry as the light engulfed her. Now the hole was just a little dark speck on the ground that she had the freedom to walk away from. In order for her to make it to the top, she needed to make the decision to climb. If the roots hadn’t been there for her, she may never have made it. The roots had been there all along, she just needed to reach out for them. Once she began to walk away from the hole, she came upon a mountain. The mountain stands so tall she cannot see the top. She considered all the effort she just put into climbing out of the hole. She knew no one would fault her if she decided she had gone far enough and chose to just stay put. But she had witnessed the impossible become a reality of her own creation. She may have been covered in dirt, but she was stronger than ever. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that her life’s work would be to get as far up that mountain as possible. So she began to climb again.
I use this metaphor often to describe the 3 paths every human being always has the option of taking: digging themselves into a hole, staying unmoving where they are, or climbing to new heights. This paints a picture of the last ten years of my life. I was born in a hole my parents had created in their own lives, and all I knew was how to dig. The light was possibility. The roots were the people I have mentioned in this project, along with so many more. I needed help, people offered it, and I accepted it. What I am grateful for most in regards to myself is that I listened to these people. When they extended a hand, I took hold. They could have offered their help, advice, experiences, and friendship and I could have turned it away. I could have ignored what they were offering because I was too stuck in my dark story. I could have continued to believe the life I wanted was impossible. But I didn’t. I needed to find the will to live within myself, but I also needed to find those that could help guide me through unknown territory. I could not have made it to the top without them, and I could not have made it to the top without being me.
Now, let me really introduce myself. My name is Nikki Lanoue, and I am the happiest person I know. Every moment of every day I’m alive I design in a way to enhance my existence. I love who I am. I love how I spend my time. I love my body and what it does for me. I love my mind and what it’s capable of. I love my friends, as they are all the most amazing, loving people I’ve ever met. I love my family and accept everyone for exactly as they are. I exchange my time for money in ways that help make people feel better physically, mentally, emotionally, and/or spiritually. I take care of myself by eating well, exercising/moving daily, receiving bodywork, spending time with friends/family, spending time alone, meditating, and holding myself accountable to stay in the light. I travel the world. I’m self-employed. Anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, I lean into it instead of fleeing from it. Anything that challenges me, I embrace as something that will help me grow stronger. I learn from my mistakes, my experiences, other people, and books. I am honest. I have integrity. I am loyal and responsible. Who I am on the inside is exactly who I project to the outside world.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to every single person who has had a positive impact in my life. I am here because you took the extra step, because you cared. In honor of all that these people have done for me, I will forever share my story and experiences in the hopes that I can have the same impact on someone else the way these people have had such a profound impact on me. I now risk being seen as the person that might be a little over the top, that might share too much, that might go on rants about the amazing aspects of life she has experienced. I will forever share the books I read, or give shout outs to those I love on social media. I will continue to make an effort to touch the hearts of others in a way mine has been touched.
I love myself. In the truest, deepest way I’ve ever experienced love. No one on the Earth will ever know me as well as I know myself, or love me as much as I love myself, because I am the only person that is with me every single moment of my existence. This is what I hope to inspire in others. How can anyone learn to speak the language of love if they’ve never heard it spoken before? We need each other to thrive as a tribe, but being the person you want to be and having the life you want can only come from within. When we want to see change in our lives and in the world, we must first change ourselves.
I was given the seed of change 10 years ago. I have grown into a brilliant tree that will continue to reach for the light as long as I live. My roots will continue to grow firmly into the ground so that others may have something to grab hold of when they need it. I will continue to drop fruits from my branches in hopes that new seeds of change will grow. My tree stands amongst a forest of other amazing trees. In this forest, all are encouraged to climb.
You know those late text messages you get from that one special person who broke your heart? Yeah, well, they hurt as hell don't they?
This picture looks better full sized.
I feel like someone has ripped out my insides and left me hollow. I've never felt so empty in my life. I couldn't move at all yesterday except when my mom dragged me to the movies in an attempt to cheer me up. It didn't. I ended up crying during the stupid Twilight trailer & then at the end of the movie (the movie being The Ugly Truth) Everything reminds me of him. I can't sleep and I can't eat. I choke when I try to drink water. People aren't exaggerating when they say heartbreak hurts. I thought I was heartbroken before but nothing compares to this feeling right now.
Excuse the puffy facial features & lack of makeup & lack of matching clothes that aren't bummy. I just couldn't bother myself to look pretty.
This was taken the last time I was down the shore (or, as they say, DTS), which was only just about a month ago perhaps. This was at Point Pleasant, which is now, like much of our beautiful shoreline, destroyed. I spent two days with Reena, pictured here, doing a whirlwind tour of the shore points in that area: Atlantic City, Seaside Heights, Point Pleasant, Asbury Park. I am so glad I went because its all gone now. We are absolutely heartbroken. But we are also from New Jersey and we WILL survive and bounce back.
I live up north in Bergen County which is one to two hours from those shore points. We're not as destroyed as those areas are, but I won't lie...it has been very rough. This is truly unprecedented for us. Many have no power still, myself included. Right now they are saying it could be Nov 9 before we have power. But who knows? I will say the utility workers are working AROUND THE CLOCK to get us up and running again. And they've come from all over the country to do so. I am uploading and typing this from my iPhone. This phone is the ONLY thing keeping me sane. I am so thankful for it! That and Facebook! Lifesavers! That's my only means of getting information. And that had been the most frustrating part. Everything you all have been seeing in the news, we have not. I just want to see the news!! It's very cold and we have no heat. Can't blow dry my hair, which for me is kind of torture. Lol. Keeping the phone charged has been challenging. Using the car. But also discovered one of our malls has power and that's where everyone has been going to charge their devices. I've been there twice. It's so weird to see everyone sitting on the floor plugged into the floor outlets where the kiosks usually plug in, every few feet. Lol. And it's not very comfortable (unless you're lucky enough to get a spot where there's a couch/chair which I was able to do later in the evening). I was there 3.5 hours the other night with 2 laptops and my cell. Laptops never got fully charged ( they're just for backup battery power for the phones anyway). But now gasoline is almost non-existent so i don't know if I'll be going back to the mall. Need to conserve gas.
School was cancelled this whole week. There's a rumor we won't be going back till Nov 12!!! I would be surprised if we didn't go back this coming Monday but it all depends on power and road blockages. I hope the gas situation improves. Once my tank is empty, I won't be able to get to work. But we're all in the same boat. And we're the lucky ones!!!
Fridge has to be cleaned out now. Getting more groceries and ice is not so easy but not impossible. It's amazing...traffic is bumper to bumper everywhere but nothing is open. Everyone is out searching for what might be open. Some things are. Honestly, it's almost apocalyptic. It's very surreal. Right now we've got the candles burning and the only sound is the hum of people's generators...those who are lucky enough to have them. My parents have a small one and my father was able to borrow another from my aunt and uncle Upstate who have power. (That's how far he had to go to get gas.). we will likely benefit from that tomorrow, so that's something to look forward to! We ll be sharing it with my other uncle.
Another silver lining is that this storm did not produce a lot of rain and so we didn't have the kind of flooding we had during Irene. Some nearby did (from the storm surge), but not in our town.
It's going to be a long haul for us. I can't put into words how broken hearted I am about our beautiful shoreline. You've seen the pictures I posted this past summer you know how special it is to me. That's our childhood memories swept out to sea. This past summer the Jersey Shore gave me some beautiful photographs, sunsets, sunrises, relaxing hours. I took Cape May's "diamonds" and pebbles for posterity. The beach gave me solace when my heart was broken. I feel the need to give back. I want to be down there picking up the pieces, but I can't sacrifice the gas and need to take care of things up here at home. Not to mention, I need to be home for when school starts. If I find a way to volunteer I will. But if any if you find it in your hearts (and are able), a donation to the Red Cross to restore our shore would be much appreciated. Keep us in your thoughts and send positive energy. Please leave comments because I need things to keep me occupied while the power is out!!! Lol. I may or may not be able to respond, however. Sorry if there were any typos in this...I typed it all on my iPhone. I hope it uploads after all that typing! Lol
Thank you from this broken hearted Jersey Girl.
First, I want to thank you for your continuous support of my photography and prayers for me. Second, I want to apologize for not being active on flickr recently. I’ve barely had 2-3hrs of sleep a day for the last week and a half.
* * *
Last night before I went to sleep I was very depressed and heartbroken so I decided to pray. I didn’t know what to say so I just said what was on my heart, “Lord Jesus, speak to me, comfort me, say anything, I just want to hear a word from you. I don’t understand what happened or why it happened. Sometimes I feel like I don’t know the Father, but you said you and the Father are one. I trusted in the Father, I prayed and waited patiently. I just feel like I don’t know what I believe in. I feel like all decisions I’ve made before thinking I was obeying God, I was trusting Him, I had heard Him, were things of my imagination. I know you, when I read the Bible I can relate to you, I can feel you. Just give me a small glimpse of hope.”
I laid down on my bed and opened my Bible and somehow I ended at the crucifixion. I read it but I froze at the verse, “And at three in the afternoon Jesus cried out in a loud voice, ‘Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?’ (which means ‘My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’).” (Mark 15:34) I cried when I thought about the loneliness our Lord must have experienced, the rejection, the pain, the uncertainly, but most of all the separation from the Father. Our Lord knew why He had to go to the cross, yet in His darkest hour He asked, “Why?” I wondered if we have the right to ask why. Our Lord is perfect and just and did not deserve death, so He had the right to ask, “Why?” But what right do I, a sinful imperfect human, to ask and question God?
‘‘Eloi, Eloi, lema sabachthani?” were the words I needed to carry me through the day. But when I came home today I finally knelt on the floor and broke into tears. For the past two weeks I’ve been trying hard to be strong, and to stay focused since I had 4 tests in 5 days with the last test being today. I cried and cried and my tears fell between my hands. Sometimes our most sincere prayer is a simple, “Why?” I believe a sincere “why” is more honourable than a distant and cold praise.
I took this photo for all those who cry “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” because of their hearts desire to follow Him. After all, our Lord was on the cross because He obeyed the Father.
(Toronto, ON; winter 2010.)
My wife and me were heartbroken when we lost our last Boxer (Billie) two or three years back. We (I) vowed never to get another dog as we couldn't give it the life it needed.
However, we relented and we now have Bertie.
He is an 11 week old Cocker Spaniel and is now the ecntre of our world.
Luckily the grandchildren love him as much as we do.
Roll on sunny walks in the local woods.
This little boy is the son of my friend Marie and her husband Greg. Brayden fell from a 2nd story window, suffering a fractured skull and severe bleeding into the brain. He was declared brain dead on the 11th. You can visit their family website by clicking on the link at the end of his obituary. Please remember to keep them in your prayers. Thank you.
Brayden Gregory ALEXANDER Forever in our Hearts (Obituary from the Newspaper)
Little Brayden Alexander left us to live with the Lord Jesus Christ on November 11, 2007. Born at Ballard Swedish Hospital in Seattle on March 9 th, 2005, Brayden lived in the Juanita Beach area of Kirkland, WA. He was almost 3 years old. His final moments were spent surrounded by the love of his friends and family.
Although his time here with us was far too short, Brayden spent every moment enjoying life as a happy, loving child who charmed everyone who met him with his bright smile. A very smart boy, Brayden always surprised people with how well he could talk at his age. He loved trips to the beach, riding his bike, rollerblading inside, playing hide & seek, the game Candyland, playing dress up, flying his airplane with his daddy, playing on the computer and cooking & cleaning with mommy.
His favorite TV shows were Caillou, Barney, Arthur, Dora the Explorer, Dragon Tails and Sesame Street and he loved watching the movies Winnie the Pooh, Shrek, Flushed Away and Cars.
A good little helper, Brayden loved giving bottles to his cousins and helping to take care of other little friends. Even in his passing Brayden was able to help other children in need. Brayden gave the precious gift to life as an organ donor, allowing other children a second chance at life.
Brayden is survived by his mom and dad, Greg and Marie Alexander, and their loving family and friends. Although he left them long before his time, they are comforted to know he is safe in the arms of his Father in Heaven.
Although he will be missed everyday, he will forever remain in our hearts.
A Memorial Service will be held Saturday November 17th, 2007 at 10:00am at Floral Hills Funeral Home & Cemetery at 409 Filbert Rd. in Lynnwood, with a reception immediately following at 12:30 at New Beginnings Church located at 21705 58th Ave W. in Mountlake Terrace. In lieu of flowers, donations may be made in the name of Brayden Alexander at any Washington Mutual Bank. You can visit Brayden in memory at www.gminteractive.com/alexander.
Published in print on 11/16/2007.
Created with fd's Flickr Toys.
I flew down to Los Angeles for a few days to do some plane spotting. This was my first airplane trip since February, before the pandemic took off. I was nervous at first but Alaska Air did an awesome job. I decided to skip a rental car this time; instead I stayed at the Homewood Suites/H Hotel near the airport. It has an awesome open air terrace on the 12th floor that has great views of the north and south runways at LAX. Like an idiot, I wasn't paying attention to my camera settings; half the photos were not sharp so I zapped them I was heartbroken by this, however, I will be back.
I was surprised by the air traffic - it wasn't anywhere close to pre-pandemic levels but it was quite busy with many flights from Asia and Europe. Who was on these planes?
I took these photos in October 2020.
i hurt myself today
to see if i still feel..
toi biet rang no se chi gay them dau don cho minh, nhung viec toi dinh tiep tuc lam
vay ma toi bat chap
hom nay lai la mot su lua chon nua
va toi da chon cach lam minh dau
lan nay that su, toi da so.
toi khong biet dau la nhung cam giac tuyet voi, dau la tinh yeu, dau la su thuong hai
chi co vet dau nay la hoan toan that
toi vua run ray vua so set..
dau oc toi trong rong
toi khong biet toi vua de chuyen gi xay den voi minh
toi muon chet trong tay nguoi do sao??
day nuoc mat cua toi, va mau cua toi
no mau do tuoi
moi chuyen khong bao gio nhu chung ta nghi
toi khong co y dinh cho nguoi do mot co hoi nao
voi toi, khi cham het la tat ca da het
cai toi luu giu va nho den, chi la nhung ky niem da cung nhau trai qua, khong phai la nguoi do.
toi da buoc ra khoi chuyen tinh yeu doi tra nay
toi da du tinh tao va ro rang, de nhan ra gio day nguoi do quay tro lai,
chi vi muon, dai loai nhu.. loi dung toi !?
toi biet bay gio chung toi khong the co ket cuc hanh phuc
khong the han gan thu da vo vun,
nhat la ngay tu dau do da la nhung manh chap va, duoc nguy trang hoan hao bang du thu hoa chat va dung dich
do la so truong cua nguoi do: lam gia moi thu.
biet la nguy hiem, nhung chan toi van buoc ve phia do
toi xac dinh rang khong co chut tinh cam nao nua, ma toi chi muon thu, thu cai tro choi cua nguoi ta
nhung toi quen mat rang viec nay dong nghia voi, toi dang choi dua voi noi dau cua chinh minh.
toi uoc gi minh co the nhe nhang ma buong tay
toi ngui thay mui mau cua minh
va thay rat so,
toi that su rat so
toi dang lam gi the nay??
viec nay ich loi gi cho toi??
toi ngan minh het lan nay den lan khac: khong hoi nguoi do co yeu toi khong!
vi toi biet nguoi do se tra loi la: co
va do la loi noi doi.
song la phai co niem tin u?
vay khi biet da dat niem tin nham cho thi phai dung lai ngay dung khong?
toi qua co chap, toi van muon tin,
lieu khi niem tin du manh thi no co the bien cai khong that thanh co that khong??
toi muon nghi rang minh da sai
rang thuc te la nguoi do quay lai voi su chan thanh va hoi loi
nguoi do da van xin toi..
toi phai cam thay nhu the nao day?
luc do toi qua bat ngo va khong tin noi, tiep theo la ha he, thoa man, khoai chi..
co le toi van dong y gap nguoi do, la vi toi van muon duoc thoa man cai cam giac khi nguoi do cau xin tinh cam cua toi
toi khong chac no la that hay khong, nhung toi thich nghe
toi khong muon thua nhan dieu nay, nhung.. toi co con yeu nguoi do ????
do la ly do toi dau nhoi, kho tho
toi run len ban bat moi khi nghi rang se gap nguoi do..
vay ma khi o ben canh nhau, toi lanh lung mot cach khong chu y
toi cam thay chung toi da rat xa cach
toi khong cam thay day la tinh yeu, va cung khong thoai mai
day chi la mot cuoc choi, trong mot tieng dong ho
chang co gi de noi voi nhau nua,
toi khong muon chia se nhung cau chuyen cua minh nua
vay nen toi chi im lang, toi tham chi khong biet phai nghi gi luc do
toi khong muon khoang thoi gian ngan ngui o gan nhau lai troi qua vo nghia nhu vay
mot mat toi cung khong muon dong lai chuyen cu..
co luc toi thuong hai nguoi do, co luc toi so nguoi do
co luc toi ghe tom
toi cung co cung nhung cam giac do doi voi chinh minh
toi qua met moi va be tac
toi van chua thoat han ra duoc,
vi toi luon nuoi tiec va nho den nhung ky niem quy gia chung toi da tung trai qua..
nhung tinh cam qua dep de..
toi nho ca nhung khoanh khac tam toi nhat, khi toi nam tren giuong benh, nguoi do o ben canh cam tay toi,
anh nhin toi bang anh mat xot xa, hoi han,
toi muon noi gi do voi anh, nhung toi nhan ra minh khong the thot len thanh tieng,
toi dang dau that'
do la lan dau tien toi biet the nao goi la noi dau the xac va tam hon hoa vao mot..
nguoi do da luon o ben canh toi
toi cu nuoi tiec tat ca nhung dieu trong qua khu do,
no dang huy hoai toi trong hien tai
hom nay toi da gap nguoi do
chuyen nay khong hieu tu bao gio da tro nen len lut,
tat ca moi nguoi deu khong chap nhan nguoi do nua, tru toi
toi da quyet dinh, da lua chon,
va lam ton thuong chinh minh
dieu dang suy nghi la: toi khong the hua truoc rang se khong tiep tuc lam ton thuong ban than nua,
va suy cho cung thi, chinh toi dang huy hoai toi.
1. p1060164, 2. p1060077, 3. p1060161, 4. p1060082
Heartbroken:
EVERY Monday night at Studio80 on the Rembrandtplein in Amsterdam!
Party: Heartbroken
Venue: Studio80
Coverage by: Waking up in Amsterdam!
Created with fd's Flickr Toys.
I am so heartbroken that I didn't go see him...Just didn't think I would sit that long..
Taken by the Perot Theater in Texarkana TX...
Sometimes I do get really, really, really heartbroken for Zimbabwe. It's a type of hurt and anger that you can only understand if you've been through a similar experience... it paralyses me at times, it's the tearing of nails through whatever's nearest, the sadness that makes you crumple and fall to the floor, silent tears, and more.
But what happens to you in life happens. What does count is what you do about it.
I am honoured to have been freed from the worries life's little trivialities! To be have been taught the lesson of faith, strength, and of constantly letting life flow and go. It's what I consider an amazingly privileged lesson.
The shit in Zimbabwe still goes on, a few days ago my aunt was tied up and held at gunpoint in her house whilst they stole what they could. The situation has made good, desperate, people turn to wicked ways of survival. It is just horrid.
For a globalized world, we've got a long way to go....
This week's photo make me such a proud mama.Until a couple hours ago i was heartbroken because the sun did not cope with me with the photo i had in mind and only then this came up,with much editing and even more love i actually found the begging of a series that i want to carry on and that is actually based on my original idea and the myth of Psyche.
Envious and jealous of the beauty of a mortal girl named Psyche, Venus asks her son Cupid (known to the Greeks as Eros) to use his golden arrows while Psyche sleeps, so that when she awakens, Venus (Aphrodite in the Greek tradition) would place a vile creature for her to fall in love with. Cupid finally agrees to her commands after a long (and failed) debate. As he flies to Psyche's room at night, he turns himself invisible so no one can see him fly in through her window. He takes pity on her, for she was born too beautiful for her own safety. As he slowly approaches, careful not to make a sound, he readies one of his golden arrows. He leans over Psyche while she is asleep and before he can scratch her shoulder with the arrow, she awakens, startling him, for she looks right into his eyes, despite his invisibility. This causes him to scratch himself with his arrow, falling deeply in love with her. He cannot continue his mission, for every passing second he finds her more appealing.
______________________________
Celestial Cupid, her famed son, advanced,
Holds his dear Psyche sweet entranced,
After her wandering labours long,
Till free consent the gods among
Make her his eternal bride;
And from her fair unspotted side
Two blissful twins are to be born,
Youth and Joy; so Jove hath sworn.
- John Milton
These pages are a lesson on a small portion of the computer/web. LEARN to use ctrl+alt+print screen and get a snap shot or web page grabber program. Open Paint or any graphics program, create new file and paste from clip board and save as a png or jpg file. Now you have a copy of web page that can not be altered !!!
In office when you copy a web page the links are copied too. ctrl a selects all, ctrl c copies, paste into .doc file and the links remain viable. ctrl+ r click will open link if it's still alive.
Now let me show you how I stripped 4 laptops and 2 desktops of the info my 20yr recovering alcoholic - Wh0re M0nger had collected.
February 22, 2011
Today my classes were canceled!
It was a pretty good day. I have started to think if I should bring my wall down and open my heart to this person again.. its a hard decision... I don't want to hurt like I did before ever again..
I created this buff colored book with hand-marbled endpapers ages ago, but realized I'd never posted it on Flickr. The woman who bought it called me to tell me that she had accidentally put it through the washer, and she was heartbroken! I offered to re-sew her another with the leather (which apparently remained intact!) but sadly, I didn't hear back from her.
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DALLAS......After rescuing this really nice Cocker Spaniel 5 years ago we can no longer keep him for difficult reasons. We are heartbroken about this but we must find Dallas a good, caring home. He is 9 years old, healthy, loving, low key, sweet, loves kids and all people and most dogs, but because he had an altercation with our Pug (who started it) he may be better as the only dog in the house. He may get along with another dog that does not attack him as he really is a wonderful dog. We put Dallas and the pug together and it did not work. To play it safe maybe he should be the only dog in the house. Great companion and loves to be hugged and petted and gives love in return. If you can give Dallas a good home please call me ASAP. Maria 352-432-5171 or 407-319-0320
The winter of 2005-2006 was the darkest of my life. I was 19 years old at the time, withdrawn from college, working my first full-time job in retail, and in an extremely unhealthy relationship. I was isolated from my friends and family. I felt completely alone, unseen, and unloved. I didn’t know how to get myself out of that state of mind or being. On a dark night in January 2006, heartbroken and helpless, I sat on the floor of my bedroom trying to convince myself to commit suicide. I don’t remember the day because a lot of that time is a blur. But I remember that night clearly. I remember the way my body felt. It was hollow, aching, and exhausted. Tears poured from my eyes and onto the carpet. I was telling myself over and over that no one loved me, that I was worthless, and that the world would be better off without me. My saving grace that night was that I didn’t want to really die, but I just didn’t want to live the way I had been. I may have hurt myself deeply that night, but I thank that young version of myself for staying in the fight. It would take another year before I got any relief from my pain, a beautiful 2 year respite, and then the inevitable resurfacing of patterns and habits in 2009 that had gone unhealed.
Despite all of that, she is the version of myself I am most grateful for. She decided to stop digging the hole she had been digging her whole life, to say there must be something other then this hole, and she looked up. She saw light. It might have been the tiniest speck of light really far away, but it was better than the endless darkness beneath her feet. She started to climb. She would slip and fall back into the hole, over and over, and she would cry. She would look up and say it’s impossible. But the ever present darkness surrounding her would make her start climbing again anyway, despite the seemingly impossible task ahead. She closed her eyes and asked for help. She didn’t know who she was asking, or if she were praying or begging, but she put her heart out there. And then a root appeared right when she needed it to, offering her a safe place to grab hold of so she wouldn’t fall back to the bottom. She never fell back to the bottom again, but the top was still so far away. The climb was the hardest thing she had ever done, but over time she came upon more roots that would help guide her to the top. The more she climbed, the stronger she became. She began learning to maneuver the vertical climb, adapting her body and mind to the struggle. More roots were presenting themselves the higher she climbed, some were so long she was able to lean on them when she needed to rest. She began to enjoy the struggle. The light continued to grow brighter. The impossible suddenly became possible. She climbed faster, harder, and more determined than ever. Until one day, she reached the top. She closed her eyes and began to cry as the light engulfed her. Now the hole was just a little dark speck on the ground that she had the freedom to walk away from. In order for her to make it to the top, she needed to make the decision to climb. If the roots hadn’t been there for her, she may never have made it. The roots had been there all along, she just needed to reach out for them. Once she began to walk away from the hole, she came upon a mountain. The mountain stands so tall she cannot see the top. She considered all the effort she just put into climbing out of the hole. She knew no one would fault her if she decided she had gone far enough and chose to just stay put. But she had witnessed the impossible become a reality of her own creation. She may have been covered in dirt, but she was stronger than ever. She knew without a shadow of a doubt that her life’s work would be to get as far up that mountain as possible. So she began to climb again.
I use this metaphor often to describe the 3 paths every human being always has the option of taking: digging themselves into a hole, staying unmoving where they are, or climbing to new heights. This paints a picture of the last ten years of my life. I was born in a hole my parents had created in their own lives, and all I knew was how to dig. The light was possibility. The roots were the people I have mentioned in this project, along with so many more. I needed help, people offered it, and I accepted it. What I am grateful for most in regards to myself is that I listened to these people. When they extended a hand, I took hold. They could have offered their help, advice, experiences, and friendship and I could have turned it away. I could have ignored what they were offering because I was too stuck in my dark story. I could have continued to believe the life I wanted was impossible. But I didn’t. I needed to find the will to live within myself, but I also needed to find those that could help guide me through unknown territory. I could not have made it to the top without them, and I could not have made it to the top without being me.
Now, let me really introduce myself. My name is Nikki Lanoue, and I am the happiest person I know. Every moment of every day I’m alive I design in a way to enhance my existence. I love who I am. I love how I spend my time. I love my body and what it does for me. I love my mind and what it’s capable of. I love my friends, as they are all the most amazing, loving people I’ve ever met. I love my family and accept everyone for exactly as they are. I exchange my time for money in ways that help make people feel better physically, mentally, emotionally, and/or spiritually. I take care of myself by eating well, exercising/moving daily, receiving bodywork, spending time with friends/family, spending time alone, meditating, and holding myself accountable to stay in the light. I travel the world. I’m self-employed. Anything that makes me feel uncomfortable, I lean into it instead of fleeing from it. Anything that challenges me, I embrace as something that will help me grow stronger. I learn from my mistakes, my experiences, other people, and books. I am honest. I have integrity. I am loyal and responsible. Who I am on the inside is exactly who I project to the outside world.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to every single person who has had a positive impact in my life. I am here because you took the extra step, because you cared. In honor of all that these people have done for me, I will forever share my story and experiences in the hopes that I can have the same impact on someone else the way these people have had such a profound impact on me. I now risk being seen as the person that might be a little over the top, that might share too much, that might go on rants about the amazing aspects of life she has experienced. I will forever share the books I read, or give shout outs to those I love on social media. I will continue to make an effort to touch the hearts of others in a way mine has been touched.
I love myself. In the truest, deepest way I’ve ever experienced love. No one on the Earth will ever know me as well as I know myself, or love me as much as I love myself, because I am the only person that is with me every single moment of my existence. This is what I hope to inspire in others. How can anyone learn to speak the language of love if they’ve never heard it spoken before? We need each other to thrive as a tribe, but being the person you want to be and having the life you want can only come from within. When we want to see change in our lives and in the world, we must first change ourselves.
I was given the seed of change 10 years ago. I have grown into a brilliant tree that will continue to reach for the light as long as I live. My roots will continue to grow firmly into the ground so that others may have something to grab hold of when they need it. I will continue to drop fruits from my branches in hopes that new seeds of change will grow. My tree stands amongst a forest of other amazing trees. In this forest, all are encouraged to climb.
I awoke this morning to a message from a friend of mind that her love and life passed away this morning, leaving behind my friend and their 8-month old son. As heartbroken as I was I can only imagine how she felt.
Death always makes me think, and it made me think about what I’m living for and dedicating my life to. Hour after hour of work, or something bigger, better, and greater out there. I thought of many songs today that reminded me of her and her situation, and this quiote was a lyric in one of them.
Powerful words, powerful emotions, powerful feelings…
Theme: Power In Words
Year Six Of My 365 Project
"Tell Me You Kings Horses
And All You Kings Men
What's the Use of Fixing What Will Only Break Again"
Heartbroken - Meaghan Smith
I'm Still Heartbroken!
you can see where the color seeped under the masking. i sent it back to spectrum to fix it. they didn't.
一千個傷心的理由 . 張學友
www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbzBt063Hs8
my Flickr Explore photos > www.flickr.com/photos/roderickma/albums/72157644876320979
my favorite photos > www.flickr.com/photos/roderickma/sets/72157623272274082/
my photo sets > www.flickr.com/photos/roderickma/sets
(13:36:53) Just moments after seeing on the teevee that Mittens quit, I walked outside my conference and into a crowd of what appear to be besuited young Republicans -- at the CPAC/YAF conference next door! Too bad these particular junior plutocrats picked a loser.
(Doh, of course they already knew. Mittens announced it at the conference.)
In any case, I had to flee across the bridge to Adams Morgan for lunch. Good thing I packed an Obama for Senate button.