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Just over a week ago I made use of a sudden opportunity late at night to set free my female alter-ego Helene. I had a rather fabulous time as I enjoy being her. I could not resist recording my delight at indulging in some male to female cross-dressing so I set up a backdrop and my video camera, attached a radio microphone under my dress and proceeded to enthuse.
It is completely self indulgent but I will confess I was thrilled to be Helene once more. we can become hung up and experience highs followed by crashes when it comes to cross-dressing. I think we need to accept to how wonderful an activity it truly is and not let it be ruined by the negative crashes that can follow these experiences. Extreme cases lead to purging.
The bottom line is if we desire to dress and look like women then that desire is never going to go away. It is with is for life. Embrace it when an opportunity arises as it is a rather euphoric and joyous experience. If one is a transvestite then it is for life, there is no escaping it. Many have tried, I suppressed it for over twenty years but I know now I was deluding myself. I like, indeed I must fulfil the desire to engage in this activity. It is something I have a need to express as it frees the trapped woman within me. Without any cross-dressing, and it is rare for me to do so, I would not be a complete person. It is a fundamental part of me I must free on occasion.
Helene x
Why do I love becoming a woman? A question I often ask myself as well as hearing from others who know of my liking to take ion a female persona. Do I regret being a man that desires to dress as a woman? Where is it all going to end up?
Questions, questions…
I accept we all have our own motivations and aspirations for expressing our desire to dress as women and which can also be a desire to inhabit a female persona. I have my personal feelings, emotional needs and ambitions for my female alter-ego which are not necessarily a reflection of how others feel about their own situation. For me, I have a need to actually pass as a woman and be perceived as being female when I cross-dress. I will admit to frustration over the years through a combination of my lack of skills in the art of male to female transformation, limits imposed by my physicality (being male) and I’m sure well meant advice telling me to forget passing and just enjoy it. To forget passing undermines everything that motivates my female side. When I become Helene I want to be a woman not simply a man dressed up. I dream of having a feminine appearance and emotionally being female rather than male. If this all sounds like serious transexual characteristics and an urgent need to start transition then let me say with utter certainty that is not what I want.
I don’t buy into the simplistic view that if you have a powerful desire to be a woman then the only answer is to transition. Nothing is that straightforward that you can boil it down to a one or the other answer. There exists a huge area of crossover. I genuinely like my male life and like being me. The idea of killing off my male self and only existing as a woman is not something I want. If I were to indulge in being simplistic, I could say I want it all, to be both a man and a woman. However, I know, especially now I am sixty years of age, how my feelings operate in terms of my transgender feelings. I can see now I have real intense moments of wanting to be female and this are all consuming when they occur. I do understand though, that these intense desires being too diminish and I am happy to return to being a man again. I would say that is reasonably creative cut as to why transitioning would not be a happy course of action for me.
I doubt I am alone in having these intense moments of wanting to be female forever but knowing they will at some point ease off. I will admit that it is these feelings that drive me to want to actually look convincingly female and to behave as a female both physically and emotionally when I transform myself from a man into a woman. It’s a fundamental part of my being and needs to be set free now and again.
In recent months my focus and aspirations for my female self has shifted towards passing myself off in a believable way as being a real woman. I find myself observing real women more and more and noting their choices in clothing, footwear and make-up. I also observe what men find attractive in women they encounter My goal is to be accomplished enough to be perceived as being a female and I too want to behave and respond as a female with any social interactions be that shopping, a polite hell, having a coffee in a cafe, visiting a gallery, having a meal and even creating some intrigue and desire with men. In short my aim for the few hours I take on my female persona I want o be able to cease being a man in every way and exist as a female.
Having outlined my feelings and aspirations does that answer any of the questions I began this narrative with? I think it partly addresses them. I do have many regrets about being a man that dresses as a woman. I kind of regret I never accepted this part of myself throughout my life. It caused me a lot of angst and made me a shy not very sociable person. I think I was far more transexual as a teenager and young man than I am now. Once I settled into a career I liked and a relationship that means more to me than my own inner desires and then had a family, everything took on a different level of contentment and also responsibility. My wife and family far outweigh my lifelong desire to become female, I would hate to cause any disruption to that. I do regret my cowardice as a young person not to act on my inner feelings in regard to desiring to be female. I chose the easy option of denial and suppression. Inevitably, I failed in that attempt at self control and had to come out as being transgender at the age of forty one. I do have regrets that certain people I came out to have used it against me, I misjudged their trust. I have regrets I don’t have breasts, a female body and look female, I dream of being feminine. Im not feminine though so this does distress me somewhat and I regret the lack of femininity.
Despite the regrets, they are not enough to crush me as I do enjoy my life, it’s an aspect I can handle, I know it is down to my own inaction that these regrets exist. I try to not let them intrude as I do enjoy my rare moments as a woman and find each opportunity incredibly rewarding and fulfilling.
Recently I was asked by a female friend where all of this was going to end up? It really made me think and I wanted to answer as honestly as I could. At the moment I think in the next few years I will start to spend time out and about as a woman not a man. This is a reflection of where I am going emotionally and also I do have personal ambitions in regard to the challenge of existing as a (part-time) woman. I want to do it well and never be considered as a man when I head out as a woman. I therefore see an increase in this kind of activity and a change in my wardrobe, hair and make-up to reflect this. I did consider what would occur if I were single. I don’t want to be single but it was a hypothetical scenario I felt I should muse over. I believe I would likely spend a lot more time as my female self if I were single but I’m pretty certain I would not transition. I still like my male self so I see such a scenario as being a less inhibited opportunity to fully express myself more freely.
It has taken me pretty much fifty years to accept myself and I don’t feel I’m still quite there yet, there is a lot more self acceptance I need to embrace. I think it’s my fear of damaging my relationship with my wife and family, who all know I have a female alter-ego, that prevents me from pushing things further. Al I can say is I do feel a lot more at ease with my inner female self than I did in past decades.
in the woods and it bothers no one!
Well, the squirrels laughed and the chipmunks scolded me. Other than that? I bothered no one.
LARGE View On Black
My book on Blurb In the Tube is devoted to the London undergound and its commuters.
I am very much in the mood to cross-dress as a woman this evening. Typically, I may have the desire but circumstances mean it is not possible for me to become my female alter-ego. So what is a poor transvestite such as I to do? Simple answer is my usual...look through my photos and videos and enjoy the memories and relive the thrill and delight of being dressed as a female.
I needed at a bit more involvement so I decided to edit a quick video montage together, a highly self indulgent little vanity project to complete the evening with and inflict on anyone unfortunate to decide to watch it. I did make this for myself but I am tentatively posting it as I never get to socialise as Helene and Flickr is about as close I will ever manage.
I do get a satisfied feeling watching it thinking that's me, I actually did it, I dressed up as a woman. I often marvel that I go through with it as I really have little confidence in the outcome of my efforts but I am driven by a sense of bravado once I take off all my male clothing start from a naked position and begin the transformation...it is emotionally intoxicating and I adore my time as a (pretend) female.
Happy New Year!
Well, it is now January 2015 and as I look back over the last year I am aware I only managed to dress as a woman on two occasions, the 3 and 4 June. Looking ahead the only possibility I can see just now for the coming year is November and even that is not a certainty. Hopefully an opportunity to cross-dress and set free my inner female self will present itself.
Family and work must come first as my desire to appear and spend time as a woman is an indulgence that I adore bit my wife and family do not like but w all acknowledge I need to do this at some point as being Helene is a part of who I am. I feel very fortunate they allow me an occasional indulgence and it is not a secret I hold from the family. I am allowed to go the whole way with waxing or shaving off my body hair, plucking my eyebrows and dressing completely in lingerie, dresses, make-up, wigs, high heels, nails painted, perfume and jewellery. To be able to go the whole way with cross-dressing is something I definitely have to do as part of me wishes I was female not male et part of me likes being male!
I have not posted for some time now as I had peaked for the year back in early June and I also feel somewhat disappointed with my efforts to look like a woman. I do try my best but for me personally I never look the part of a female and it somewhat crushes me. Having said that, I do also experience real joy despite the lack of ability in looking female and gain a lot of emotional reward not to mention enjoying the sheer thrill and bravado of going to such lengths to try and pass as a woman. The failure does not put me off as the sheer delight in appearing in female clothing and make-up connects with me on a level of my being that I definitely require. The desire to be female is ever present yet I would prefer to be a transvestite as I love the thrill and delight of cross-dressing and spending time as my female alter-ego.
This picture was one from my cross-dressing session on that wonderful euphoric day, the 3 June 2014. To walk outside in a dress, wig heels and make-up and sit down as a woman on a bench was so intoxicating I almost feinted with the sheer headiness of the moment, it felt amazing and deeply satisfying.
An elderly Filipina woman departs her home to run daily errands in her best clothes in contrast to the poverty that surrounds her life.
Went to the Home and Garden show this morning, and spotted this lady. She really dressed up for the flower show.
I pretended that I had to sit down to fiddle with my camera, and got this candid shot.
*canon 30D; 100mm macro
Title courtesy of freebird4
Real life has continued to be busy since my brief and very late at night impromptu cross-dressing session of a week ago. I will admit I am still on a high and thrilled that I did get dress as a woman. It always feels incredible to wear a wig, dress, heels and make-up. It liberates an aspect of my persona I can rarely set free. The bottom line is I love becoming a woman and dream of what could have been. The time to act on this was as a young single man. If I had been brave enough back then I would now be living as a woman.
I am now compressing the missed years of being female into short bouts of cross-dressing. This is why I still have a tendency to dress in shorter dresses and skirts and wear high heels to match those outfits. I am now fifty four years of age and should be approaching my cross-dressing with a more mature outlook. This does not mean I have to be dull and dowdy, I think I can enjoy elegant stylish female clothing that suits a woman of my age. I cannot quite escape my 'mutton dressed as lamb' period as I do get a thrill from appearing in an outfit such as I chose in this picture.
Before any advice is offered that I should transition and be true to myself let me clearly state this is no longer something I wish to do. I have a life now that I enjoy. Sharing my life with my wife means far more to me than my inner desire to be a woman. Throughout life one is faced with choices that involve compromise. For me the compromise was good decision. Becoming an occasional transvestite provides an outlet for me to express my female self. I feel fortunate I can do this.
I had a lot of fun being my female alter-ego despite the lateness of the hour last Saturday. I felt euphoric and genuinely excited to pose for the camera as Helene. This is actually a still frame lifted from a video I was recording. I hope to post the video in the near future.
I was in a hotel full of policemen who where there for a conference/convention or something like that. I had quite a bit of success while walking by them...
More gogglyness :D
I've had a great day today. The weather has been awesome so I spent most of this afternoon outside, taking a few pictures. I started the 100 strangers project which is possibly the scariest thing I have ever done! I got some charity shop bargains and now I'm gonna cook myself some yummy veggie buritos and relax.
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In other news....
I have decided to do the Sport Relief Mile. It is to raise money to help people living unimaginably tough lives in the UK and across the world.
A mile may not be much to most people but seeing as I have fibromyalgia and this time last year I could barely walk, it's a lot for me :)
soooo
SPONSOR ME!!
This may not be seen for much longer as Aviva have apparently dropped their sponsorship of Norwich City FC
Basilica of Begoña, Bilbao on Saturday April 2, 2016.
A wedding I witnessed by chance when visiting Bilbao for Marie Claire magazine.
Boda, BasÃlica de Begoña, Bilbao el sábado 2 de abril de 2016.
This is just a spontaneous composition. When I reviewed it on LCD, I thought may be I get too close.
What will be the risk of getting too close with your subject? Traditional journalism believes in the objective revealing of facts without prejudice or opinion. When the journalist gets very close (say follow the subject in a road trip) and befriend with the subject, he/she may take a stand or take a side while making images.
Nowadays we all know that photography is not a purely objective reproduction of reality. So I think don't be afraid of getting too close!
Do you agree?
Anyway even with all the flaws in composition, I still like the contrast of tones in the scene. How do you like the ACROS rendering of the scene?
Remembrance Day Richmond City Hall. November 2016.
Fuji X-Pro2 camera
Fuji XF 90mm F2 lens
ACROS with green filter film simualtion
©all rights reserved.
Copyright ©Zino2009 (bob van den berg) . All my images are protected under international authors copyright laws and may not be downloaded, reproduced, kopie, transmitted or manipulated without my written explicit permission.
Real life continues to be very busy and I am daily fighting the desire to dress and appear as a woman. I have to fight it as I need to continue earning a living and keeping my family secure. Being transgendered is a bit of a struggle as the desire can arrive without warning. The urge to spend time as a woman is incredibly powerful and is affecting me. I'm home for a few days before the next phase of work and I've found myself browsing through my photos yet again.
They do help me as I can recall the memories of those rare occasions I did actually transform myself into a woman. Seeing the pictures does induce euphoria as the memories are vivid within me though it also brings a yearning to be free of my masculine self. I want nothing more right now than to shave my legs, pluck my eyebrows, attach my breast forms, tuck away my male genitals and assume the persona of my female alter ego as I genuinely adore being her.
Oh, I have it very bad….