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I blamed myself for something that was inevitable.
I blamed myself for something that wasn't my fault.
I blamed myself for something I didn't do.
I blamed myself for being the best person.
I blamed myself for giving too much.
I blamed myself for being too kind.
I blamed myself for being too humble.
I blamed myself for trying to be perfect.
I'm done blaming myself and I'm ready to live again. I can't keep tearing myself up over something so stupid and childish.
I began to think that I wasn't worth it.
I began to think that I didn't do enough.
But, it was you who didn't do enough.
But, it was you who wasn't worth it, and I'm glad I finally realized that. I'm Brent motherfucking Gambrell and I am a wonderful person. You, my dear, however, is a completely different story.
Tootles!
My horoscope for today: Your creativity is at an all-time high today, Cancer. You’re inspired to embark on some long-term creative projects, and you have the energy to see them through to the end. This is a time for you to take a leap of faith and plunge right in. Hesitation will get you nowhere. Whatever it is you’ve been dreaming of doing, do it now.
If you could see yourself now, baby
It's not my fault
You used to be so in control
You're going to roll right over this one
Just roll me over, let me go
You're laying blame
Take this as no, no, no
You bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
Blame, blame, blame
You bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
It's not my thing so let it go
If you could see yourself now baby
The tables have turned
The whole world hinges on your swings
Your secret life of indiscreet discretions
I'd turn the screw and leave the screen
Don't point your finger
You know that's not my thing
You came to bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
Blame, blame, blame
You bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
It's not my thing so let it go, now
You've got a little worry
I know it all too well
I've got your number
But so does every kiss-and-tell
Who dares to cross your threshold
Or happens on your way
Stop laying blame
You know that's not my thing
You know that's not my thing
You came to bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
Blame, blame, blame
You bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
It's not my thing so let it go
You bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
Blame, blame, blame
You bang, bang, bang, bang, bang
It's not my thing so let it go
You kiss on me, tug on me, rub on me, jump on me
You bang on me, beat on me, hit on me, let go on me
You let go on me
I grew up with this kid by the name of Jeff, one of my sister's classmates, who was a pretty fun person and the secret lover of a guy I later became tight friends with. The two things I came to know about him, not relating to that secret love affair, were that he was somewhat the ladies' man and he found the need to lie about the most innocuous of things. When we were grown and he was in college, he met this girl from somewhere else named Jen, a sci-fi bookworm and nice enough character. In time Jeff and Jen got married, decided to put off having children until they felt they were ready, and moved across the state and across town from me to be near the father he didn't have at home when we were in school.
I had the fear in the back of my mind that he would not be able to put aside his being the ladies' man (or his secret love of men) when he got married. But quite to the contrary, she was his every desire and that was that. He could not however set aside his proclivity for being untruthful about nothing items... like he'd stop at a computer store for ten minutes after work just to windowshop, but then come home and tell Jen that "traffic was bad" when she hadn't asked or noticed that he was not precisely on time. I asked him once why he felt the need to do that, and he said something to the effect of, "dude, you don't understand, I'm married so I have to lie."
He was married for about three years and started getting more into computer construction and repair, and got pretty skilled at it despite not having any actual background or instruction; in this path he met a guy online who lived a few miles away that needed something done to his machine, and this guy became a friend to Jeff and Jen. Before long... more a friend to Jen than Jeff. They say still waters run deep -- or in the words of Crosby, Stills & Nash, "the ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch / she's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch" -- and one day when I went over to their house Jeff says to me in a downbeat tone that he and Jen are breaking up the household and moving in their separate directions, because she's having an affair with this guy. I knew he was telling the truth because of the nervous look on her face, the way she moved around like a frightened mouse, and how she ran to check her email during the three minutes we were out front so Jeff could have a cigarette. Guilty yet unrepentant, it's all her doing and fault yet she has to find some way to put this mess on him... something she couldn't figure out how to do but she could try to act the part.
A year later I saw Jen and the new guy at the fair, pushing a baby stroller and she introduced me to their child, a girl named Cricket. She was a little uneasy because here I was, a mostly-lifelong friend of Jeff, upholding the promise I had made to him that day at his house not to "rip her a new one" or say anything unkind... it would have too easy for me to be honest, and I found the challenge of being sweet to someone who knew she didn't deserve kindness much more fulfilling.
And I realized upon meeting her man that he was Jeff's doppelgänger, but with a worse complection and crooked teeth. "Jeff-but-uglier." Funny how that worked out.
Photo shot in the same minute as this broader view of the top of the Luzon Building in downtown Tacoma, but it's not the same photo.
The rather long-lived and voluminous eruption of Etna that lasted from 14 December 1991 until 30 March 1993 seriously threatened the town Zafferana Etnea on the southeast flank of the volcano. Lava flows travelled about 8 km, mostly through lava tubes, and although protective barriers were erected months before the lava came close to the town, these obstacles were eventually overrun, and the lava appeared in the steep, narrow valley above the town. During its advance, it buried vineyards, fruit gardens, and water wells. Then it approached the first house, whose owner showed his miscontent with the lack of efficient action against the lava flow (dynamite was soon thereafter used to destroy the entrance to the lava tube, bringing the lava flow to a halt). Before the news media of all over the world, he wrote "GRAZIE GOVERNO" (Thank You Government) on the wall of his doomed house, then placed a table next to the entrance and put a bottle of red wine and a loaf of bread on the table to welcome the unwelcome guest. The lava soon thereafter broke through the rear wall of the house but left the portion with the writing intact, and one year after the event you could still find the remains of the table and the shattered bottle of wine below the writing (look careful at the high-resolution version of the photo!).
This is a rather striking example how the Sicilians who live near Mount Etna never seem to blame their big "muntagna", the giant Mamma, for any sort of calamity, but rather the authorities or - if the eruption occurs from a new crater on the side of Etna, that "nasty little new volcano". And if Mamma Etna every now and then has a nervous crisis and slaps her human children in the face, she'll have good enough reasons. I have observed this way of handling eruption-related destruction and loss on many occasions - and certainly there will be more occasions of this kind in the near future.
Photo taken in mid-March 1993, when the eruption was in its last few days and no longer threatened Zafferana. Scanned from original Ektachrome slide
I blame my cat for this mess of an outfit. It’s all Roy’s fault that I’m wearing navy, black, and brown together. He is responsible for this terrible mishmash of styles: cowgirl, mod, nautical, and rocker. He has so upset my state of mind that I chose this terribly clashing background. I think I’ll also blame him for my frizzy hair.
Jacket, Focus 2000 (thrifted). Dress, swapped and shortened. Boots, Dan Post. Watch Vivani (gift). Bag, Carlos Santana. Sunnies, Betsey Johnson.