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bit.ly/zpwzPHFederal Trade Commission Compliance The following describes the Federal Trade Commission Compliance for our MIS-DEGREE.COM website. We make every effort at candor regarding any products or services we use, recommend, or otherwise make mention of at COMMUNITY CENTER OF ST BERNARD. We strive to clearly differentiate between our own products or services versus those of third parties, to facilitate inquiries, support, and customer care. Likewise, just as we (and any other legitimate business) may profit from the sale of our own products or services, we may also profit from the sale of others’ products or services (like any retailer) at MIS-DEGREE.COM. Additionally, wherever products or services may give rise to income generation, we endeavor to provide realistic and factual data, but highlight the fact that the variables impacting results are so numerous and uncontrollable that no guarantees are in any way made. It is our goal to embrace the guidelines and requirements of the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) for the benefit of all, and with that in mind provide the following disclosures regarding compensation and disclaimer regarding earnings & income. Note that material connections may not be made known at every single advertisement or affiliate link. Thus, to be safe, you should simply assume there is a material connection and that we may receive compensation in money or otherwise for anything you purchase as a result of visiting this website, and also that we may be paid merely by you clicking any link. Amazon.com One or more parties affiliated or associated with our COMMUNITY CENTER OF ST BERNARD website in some way may be an Amazon.com affiliate. This means that links to products on Amazon.com, as well as reviews leading to purchases, can result in a commission being earned. Again, disclosure of this material connection and the potential for compensation may not be made at every single possible opportunity. To be safe, simply assume there is a material connection and potential for compensation at all times. While this does not imply skewed or unduly biased reviews, full disclosure calls for this warning. Compensation You should assume that we may be compensated for purchases of products or services mentioned on this MIS-DEGREE.COM website that are not created, owned, licensed, or otherwise materially controlled by us. Stated differently, while most people obviously understand that individuals make a living by way of the profit that remains after the costs associated with providing their product or service are covered, at least theoretically there may be someone out there who does not understand that a third party can "affiliate" someone else's products or services and be compensated by the product or service creator/owner for helping spread the word about their offering. Just compare it to retailers. They seldom produce anything, but rather make their money connecting product and service creators with end users. Admonition Having said that, you cannot count on anyone looking after your interests but you. So, you ought to always do your own research into various offers and opportunities, to the extent that leaves you comfortable, doing your own due diligence prior to making any purchase of any product or service from this MIS-DEGREE.COM website or any other. Here is a great set of guidelines for you to keep in mind: First, just always operate from the position that any website proprietor, including us at COMMUNITY CENTER OF ST BERNARD, will have a material connection to the product or service provider, and may be compensated as a result of your purchase, unless expressly stated otherwise. Aside from your purchases, note that even you actions could result in earnings for this website. For instance, there could be ads displayed on this MIS-DEGREE.COM website that we are compensated for displaying whenever a website visitor clicks on them. Second, to the extent that we have every interest in positively furthering our business relationship with you, we certainly desire to share only those offerings that we believe will benefit you. Just because we are not the founder or originator of the product or service, we are not going to withhold knowledge of this offering from you. If you can get some benefit from it, regardless of whether or not you've taken advantage of our own products and/or services, we want you to do well. Thus, we make a good faith effort to only present to you items that we either personally use, have actually tried, or else have faith in the reputation of the provider or concept. You can count on us making this determination based on all relevant and applicable information at the time of the recommendation. Third, despite the fact that it would be counterproductive to mention products or services that you'll find disappointing or inferior, not only are people different, but it’s also possible for us to have a lapse in judgment. Thus, to be extra cautious, even if you believe in our good faith motives, you may as well go ahead and keep in mind that we could be at least partially influenced by the monetization factor of listing various products or services on our MIS-DEGREE.COM website. Furthermore, in that vein, the reality is that there are sometimes other connections between parties that are not monetary, such as personal capital, goodwill, or otherwise, that could be an underlying undercurrent swaying the decision to promote a particular offering. Due to this hypothetical possibility, you should again simply nor rely solely on what we have to say, but rather just form your own independent opinion just to be safe. Finally, bear in mind that we might also receive free products or services, gifts, or review copies of items too. Testimonials Testimonials regarding the outcome or performance of using any product or service are provided to embellish your understanding of the offering. While great effort is made to ensure that they are factually honest, we at COMMUNITY CENTER OF ST BERNARD are not liable for errors and omissions. Aside from human error, some information may be provided by third parties, such as customers or product/service providers. The best results are not uncommonly correlated with the best efforts, discipline, diligence, and so on, and thus the results depicted cannot, in any way, be construed as common, typical, expected, normal, or associated with the average user’s experience with any given product or service. Exceptional results may be depicted by our website as highlights, but you are responsible for understanding that atypical outcomes may not reflect your experience. Aside from market conditions, products and services change over time. Older products may lose effectiveness. Newer products may not have a reliable track record. Where products or services might pertain to earning money, the same safeguards about use of testimonials apply. Additionally, note that any related income figures are highly specific to the individual or entity that produced those results, and there can be no assurance that you will be able to leverage the same, or similar, products or services to achieve comparable results. The results, though real, may be the result of the conflation of a number of favorable circumstances that would be difficult to replicate, and so you must proceed with the knowledge that your outcome can differ from any shared on our website. Professional Consultation Many products and services are designed to solve problems. Common problem areas include legal, financial, and medical. We are in no way purporting to counsel you on issues related law, finances, or health. If you require guidance in these arenas, you should consider securing your own counsel from lawyers, accountants, tax professionals, investment advisors, or medical professionals before taking any action. Nothing we may ever communicate at COMMUNITY CENTER OF ST BERNARD, in print or spoken word, will ever be intended to constitute any such counsel, as we do not claim to be professionals in any of those disciplines. You assume all risk for actions taken, losses incurred, damages sustained, or other issues stemming from your use of any product or service in any way connected with or mentioned on this website. Indeed, such decision is solely your own, or else determined in conjunction with the professional guidance of the advisor of your choosing. Use Of Products & Services The following are facts you should be advised of if you intend to take advantage of any products or services. The price paid for products and services change over time. Even the prices of staples and basic commodities change, and there are many factors such as supply and demand, sales and other customer acquisition incentives, and more. Price, and value, can be quite relative. Technology, innovations, product improvements, market penetration, and numerous other factors all weigh in. It is impossible to define the “right” price for any product and service. Willing buyers and willing sellers determine price at any given time. You accept the fact that your purchase reflects your
Jan. 14 - Feb 4th, 2011 at Roq La Rue Gallery. www.roqlarue.com.
About “Honey and Lightening”
“Honey and Lightening” is a show of installation chambers, sculptures of talismanic birds and a series of staged photographs all revolving around examining the mercurial nature of human desire. The substances honey and lightening both have literary, mythical and archetypal references to the occurrence and evolution of desire and it’s fading. I see one as the slow ooze of pleasure and the other as the dangerous, uncontrollable and inexplicably instant occurrence of magnetism between two bodies.
Two installation chambers create full body experiences of these ephemeral phenomena and crystallize them in tangible form as a way to signify the human longing for a perfect stasis of experience – which is impossible as emotion begins to degrade, evolve, fold in upon itself after the initial strike.
The Honey Moon chamber is a 10 foot tall mirrored jewelry box spanning 12 feet, enclosing a giant engorged golden chandelier formation encrusted with tens of thousands of gold-colored trinkets – the cheapest of the trashiest materials but representing the purest element from the bowels of the earth that has induced lust to the point of violence since pre-history. This giant mass of gold, as well as the body of the viewer, is reflected infinitely in 35 mirrored panels that create a simultaneously claustrophobic and expansive encounter that memorializes a temporary event. The mythology of honey, a bodily fluid produced from flowers, has long been associated with the ooze of erotic perfection. An ambrosial month of drinking honey-wine has followed the wedding ceremony since the Pharaohs. But locked up in the folklore of this transitional period is that the delirium ends and the state of bliss is forever sought after.
The Cherry Tree Root chamber is, in a way, a reverence to my own experience with Colpo di fulmine — “love at first sight” in Italian, which literally translate to “lightning strike”, and a craving to re-experience a place and time that no longer exists. Recently digging a 16 foot deep foundation hole, my husband and I removed 72 tons of dirt from our property to build a studio, exposing deep and gnarled roots that seems like frozen solidified lightening, long forgotten, dug up by us to lay the foundation for the rooms we hope we’ll die in. The root chamber is like entering this underground world hidden from view of long- ago electric ephemeral desires that have now turned into strong and sturdy roots- not as flashy as lightening but quietly enduring and growing. The roots are battered beautiful twisting accumulations of crocheted scraps of fabric I’ve saved for years, old ropes and remnants of past installations, hand-spun hair, rabbit fur and old clothes, all coated in the dirt from below my family’s foundation.
Creating a chamber to recede into is an homage to Jeffry Michell’s 2001 installation “Hanabuki”, the site of our own lightening strike, a catalytic phenomenon that lasted a millisecond. Like life itself beginning with lightening striking the primordial soup, the mythology of celestial fire recognizes its ability to create fast irreversible transformation. Despite the impossibility of it, I made my chamber as a way to revisit and remember the secret place Jeffry made, the fur-lined hut that was a pleasure palace where I fell in love, presided over by little dancing gods spreading the joys of the pleasure in all bodies, a beginning of something that seemed temporary and ill-fated but really turned out to be deep-rooted like an ancient tree.
The installation also includes a gathering of talismanic birds made of leather and more than a thousand individually cut and sewn silk and satin feathers, representing my imminent needs but using imagery used by a variety of ancient peoples and cultures — a desire for protection, for a guide, and harbingers of happiness in the form of a raptors. In photographs, close friends and my husband play out roles that tie into the everyday events of their lives, but represented as re-interpreted gods and goddesses such as Hecate, Demeter and the Green Man. The photos speak to themes of cross-roads, the double pull of isolation vs. community, a power buried in the beginnings of motherhood and the visceral erotic pull of the earth, volatile but buried like a dormant volcano.
Sponsored in part by by the City of Seattle Office of Arts and Cultural Affairs CityArtist Grant and 4Culture/King County Lodging Tax Revenue.
photo: Mark Woods
www.messersmith.name/wordpress/2010/12/19/how-bad-can-it-...
I've been holed up in the house for about three days. Today I opened the bedroom curtains for the first time. It was sunny outside. I think that I know what sent me into this latest deep depression. I'll tell a little about it later. I've been having some face-to-face with a friend who has dealt with this kind of uncontrollable emotional paralysis in her own life. It's comforting to have someone to talk to that understands from first hand experience.
However, I'm not here to blab on about distress. I'm in the mood for a bit of humour. Let's see if I can pull it off. It's time to laugh a bit.
A week or so I was talking to someone about something difficult I had to accomplish and I was trying to make it sound light-hearted. I had intended to say, "How bad can it hurt me?" It came out, somewhat more ominously, "How bad can it kill me?" I took a mental note of that and proceeded to bore my friend with the details of my plan to conquer this horrible thing which was an everyday problem for many people, but made me feel as if I were a passenger on the maiden voyage of the Titanic. When his eyes glassed over I relented. Later, I began to think about my Freudian slip.
I certainly don't recommend fooling around with fate and getting yourself in such a pickle as the one in which I'm presently fermenting. Nobody is stupid enough to bring such things upon himself. Nevertheless, I must admit that there is an upside. Regardless if it is true or not, there is a certain freedom in feeling that I have nothing to lose. Of course, I know that it is not true, but knowing is not feeling, knowing is not accepting. I have many things going for me. I'm healthy, if putting on a little too much weight. I'm reasonably sane and able to take care of myself day by day, though my bed only occasionally gets made. I have a job which I can still perform well enough for the time being and I'll improve as I get better. I have a nice house to live in, though I do rattle around in it like a cracked marble. I have friends to annoy. All in all, I'm likely better off than maybe eighty percent of the population of the planet.
I admit that I can't do a post without images. I'm sure that this stems from the fear that what I'm writing is so abominably rotten that nobody could possibly read it without becoming nauseous. If I throw in a few pictures, it might possibly be seen as a redeeming value. Here is the rather unusual sight of three Solitary Corals (Fungia fugites) cuddled up together:
Let me get back to what is passing for a train of thought tonight. As I was saying, perceiving a current state of life as being unsustainable over the long run and being not so nihilistic as to believe that there is no hope that it might get better is the starting point. So, it's pretty bad, but it could get better. Now add that what has happened is the worst thing possible that could have happened. Yes, it could have happened in a worse way, but there is nothing on the list that could possibly top it. And the list is exhaustive. Okay, throw into the equation that even if more bad things pop up, they can't make me much worse than I am now. My money all disappears - hey, money is not security. What good is it doing me now? I lose my job - well, that would be tough, but it would just force me into a change. The list goes on.
Nothing that I can think of really threatens me. This seems to create some kind of weird super-power. Call me Sticks-and-Stones-Can-Break-My-Bones-But-Nothing-Can-Really-Hurt-Me-Man. No, that's too long a name for a super-hero.
Ah, now I remember what set off my hiding-under-the-covers period - the second coffin-building incident in less than two weeks. I won't go into the details. It suffices to say that it was another time of grieving:
It does strike me that I look terribly angry in that shot. I was going for "resigned". It came out much differently. By the time I came into the office to discover that it needed to be built, a friend had already been recruited, so at least neither of us had to face the job alone. I am getting rather good at knocking together a coffin. I don't plan to take it up professionally, but one never knows.
Feeling this freedom of relative invulnerability, however, it not a safe thing. It can make one reckless. I find myself thinking outrageous thoughts about what I might conceivably do. I fantasise. I make astonishingly stupid plans. I catch myself dreaming of selling everything and scuttling off to Bali or Rio and living off my photography and writing. Then I'm brought up short by the realisation that I've found no way to live off it yet and the fact that I might starve trying to is not an improvement on the present situation. Not a bit.
No, I'm better off now staying here and doing what I was sent here to do. That's where my security lies now. In some ways that's a hard pill to swallow, but that is only because I'm not exactly ecstatic about life at the moment.
This horrible thing, looking for all the world like "The Small Intestine from Outer Space" is a Prickly Sea Cucumber:
It's not a great picture of one. Possibly you can see the hideous frilly arms that wave around engulfing whatever seems edible. I'll have to try feeding a banana to one.
Yes, fantasies sustain me these days. I've always been an exceptionally good daydreamer. Walter Mitty has nothing on me. I've dreamed up several schemes lately, none of which have proved, upon the most cursory consideration, to be remotely feasible. Most of the difficulty lies in where, I might go. Except for Papua New Guinea and the USA, any place I might choose to go would present considerable difficulty. You must have permanent residency to work in almost any country worth living in. That is a high hurdle.
I had a passing fancy for Costa Rica until I began to look at the residency problem. I'm not sure I'll live long enough to jump through all of the hoops. The same goes for Canada, which I would like to be able to think of as my final "home" when I'm so broken down that I need to crawl into a hole and wait for the end. I'd probably have to do it as an illegal immigrant. Wouldn't that be an interesting way to end up? I'd have to start a new journal and make it anonymous.
I met a friend at the Madang Lodge and Restaurant last Friday evening for some light conversation. I noticed that the big storyboard on the back wall had been decorated for the Christmas season:
I got this storyboard along with four others about the same size while on a trip to the Sepik River quite a few years ago. They were among the largest I have seen. I don't know how much they would be worth now - probably quite a bit, as they are very hard to come by now. I have two of them about the same size hanging in my house.
Much of the future is too fuzzy for me to think about with any clarity. I wish I had something like this:
Yeah, a big brain - that's the ticket. I need a huge Platygyra lamellina.
Then again, I probably spend far too much time pondering the future. When I consider that, I feel silly, but I've always been that way. Yeah, a thinker about the future and silly. I admit to both. It's painfully obvious that the future is the thing over which I have the least control. How delusional it was to believe otherwise. It was all planned out . . .
Look what all that planning got me. Best simply to plan to brush one's teeth in the morning. If that works out, then begin to plan what to have for lunch. Anything beyond that is getting risky.
Lion, bathed in the glow of the early morning sun, Mana Pools, ZM.
What’s in a mane?
The male lion is the only feline with a mane. As to what purpose it serves is a subject with very different points of view. A protection against fang and claw in fights for supremacy and subdueing prey, status symbol, a means to advertise strength and virility and thereby a tool for genetic refining….it’s a subject of hot debate even amongst the experts.
One of the world’s foremost experts on lions is of the opinion that a lion’s mane is more likely a message or a status symbol. Craig Packer, whilst working with lions of the Serengeti has noted that lions “with short manes had suffered from injury or sickness…in contrast, dark-maned males tended to be older than the others, have higher testosterone levels, heal well after wounding and sire more surviving cubs—all of which made them more desirable mates and formidable foes….” (excerpt from Abigail Tucker's well written article in the SMITHSONIAN MAGAZINE Jan 2010)
This chap sunning himself at Mana Pools is a big brute…. notice that his face has been rearranged by an opponent’s claw / fang…his left nostril has a huge split and the cheek below the left eye is heavily scarred. Life in the wild is tough and unforgiving…
I was spread eagled on the ground about 20 yards from him for this shot….I think it’s a reasonable image, notwithstanding the uncontrollable twitching of my extremities!
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bit.ly/xLDiowFederal Trade Commission Compliance The following describes the Federal Trade Commission Compliance for our BIOLOGY-DEGREE.COM website. We make every effort at candor regarding any products or services we use, recommend, or otherwise make mention of at COMMUNITY CENTER OF ST BERNARD. We strive to clearly differentiate between our own products or services versus those of third parties, to facilitate inquiries, support, and customer care. Likewise, just as we (and any other legitimate business) may profit from the sale of our own products or services, we may also profit from the sale of others’ products or services (like any retailer) at BIOLOGY-DEGREE.COM. Additionally, wherever products or services may give rise to income generation, we endeavor to provide realistic and factual data, but highlight the fact that the variables impacting results are so numerous and uncontrollable that no guarantees are in any way made. It is our goal to embrace the guidelines and requirements of the Federal Trade Commission (FTC) for the benefit of all, and with that in mind provide the following disclosures regarding compensation and disclaimer regarding earnings & income. Note that material connections may not be made known at every single advertisement or affiliate link. Thus, to be safe, you should simply assume there is a material connection and that we may receive compensation in money or otherwise for anything you purchase as a result of visiting this website, and also that we may be paid merely by you clicking any link. Amazon.com One or more parties affiliated or associated with our COMMUNITY CENTER OF ST BERNARD website in some way may be an Amazon.com affiliate. This means that links to products on Amazon.com, as well as reviews leading to purchases, can result in a commission being earned. Again, disclosure of this material connection and the potential for compensation may not be made at every single possible opportunity. To be safe, simply assume there is a material connection and potential for compensation at all times. While this does not imply skewed or unduly biased reviews, full disclosure calls for this warning. Compensation You should assume that we may be compensated for purchases of products or services mentioned on this BIOLOGY-DEGREE.COM website that are not created, owned, licensed, or otherwise materially controlled by us. Stated differently, while most people obviously understand that individuals make a living by way of the profit that remains after the costs associated with providing their product or service are covered, at least theoretically there may be someone out there who does not understand that a third party can "affiliate" someone else's products or services and be compensated by the product or service creator/owner for helping spread the word about their offering. Just compare it to retailers. They seldom produce anything, but rather make their money connecting product and service creators with end users. Admonition Having said that, you cannot count on anyone looking after your interests but you. So, you ought to always do your own research into various offers and opportunities, to the extent that leaves you comfortable, doing your own due diligence prior to making any purchase of any product or service from this BIOLOGY-DEGREE.COM website or any other. Here is a great set of guidelines for you to keep in mind: First, just always operate from the position that any website proprietor, including us at COMMUNITY CENTER OF ST BERNARD, will have a material connection to the product or service provider, and may be compensated as a result of your purchase, unless expressly stated otherwise. Aside from your purchases, note that even you actions could result in earnings for this website. For instance, there could be ads displayed on this BIOLOGY-DEGREE.COM website that we are compensated for displaying whenever a website visitor clicks on them. Second, to the extent that we have every interest in positively furthering our business relationship with you, we certainly desire to share only those offerings that we believe will benefit you. Just because we are not the founder or originator of the product or service, we are not going to withhold knowledge of this offering from you. If you can get some benefit from it, regardless of whether or not you've taken advantage of our own products and/or services, we want you to do well. Thus, we make a good faith effort to only present to you items that we either personally use, have actually tried, or else have faith in the reputation of the provider or concept. You can count on us making this determination based on all relevant and applicable information at the time of the recommendation. Third, despite the fact that it would be counterproductive to mention products or services that you'll find disappointing or inferior, not only are people different, but it’s also possible for us to have a lapse in judgment. Thus, to be extra cautious, even if you believe in our good faith motives, you may as well go ahead and keep in mind that we could be at least partially influenced by the monetization factor of listing various products or services on our BIOLOGY-DEGREE.COM website. Furthermore, in that vein, the reality is that there are sometimes other connections between parties that are not monetary, such as personal capital, goodwill, or otherwise, that could be an underlying undercurrent swaying the decision to promote a particular offering. Due to this hypothetical possibility, you should again simply nor rely solely on what we have to say, but rather just form your own independent opinion just to be safe. Finally, bear in mind that we might also receive free products or services, gifts, or review copies of items too. Testimonials Testimonials regarding the outcome or performance of using any product or service are provided to embellish your understanding of the offering. While great effort is made to ensure that they are factually honest, we at COMMUNITY CENTER OF ST BERNARD are not liable for errors and omissions. Aside from human error, some information may be provided by third parties, such as customers or product/service providers. The best results are not uncommonly correlated with the best efforts, discipline, diligence, and so on, and thus the results depicted cannot, in any way, be construed as common, typical, expected, normal, or associated with the average user’s experience with any given product or service. Exceptional results may be depicted by our website as highlights, but you are responsible for understanding that atypical outcomes may not reflect your experience. Aside from market conditions, products and services change over time. Older products may lose effectiveness. Newer products may not have a reliable track record. Where products or services might pertain to earning money, the same safeguards about use of testimonials apply. Additionally, note that any related income figures are highly specific to the individual or entity that produced those results, and there can be no assurance that you will be able to leverage the same, or similar, products or services to achieve comparable results. The results, though real, may be the result of the conflation of a number of favorable circumstances that would be difficult to replicate, and so you must proceed with the knowledge that your outcome can differ from any shared on our website. Professional Consultation Many products and services are designed to solve problems. Common problem areas include legal, financial, and medical. We are in no way purporting to counsel you on issues related law, finances, or health. If you require guidance in these arenas, you should consider securing your own counsel from lawyers, accountants, tax professionals, investment advisors, or medical professionals before taking any action. Nothing we may ever communicate at COMMUNITY CENTER OF ST BERNARD, in print or spoken word, will ever be intended to constitute any such counsel, as we do not claim to be professionals in any of those disciplines. You assume all risk for actions taken, losses incurred, damages sustained, or other issues stemming from your use of any product or service in any way connected with or mentioned on this website. Indeed, such decision is solely your own, or else determined in conjunction with the professional guidance of the advisor of your choosing. Use Of Products & Services The following are facts you should be advised of if you intend to take advantage of any products or services. The price paid for products and services change over time. Even the prices of staples and basic commodities change, and there are many factors such as supply and demand, sales and other customer acquisition incentives, and more. Price, and value, can be quite relative. Technology, innovations, product improvements, market penetration, and numerous other factors all weigh in. It is impossible to define the “right” price for any product and service. Willing buyers and willing sellers determine price at any given time. You accept the fact that you
What is oral cancer?
Cancer is defined as the uncontrollable growth of cells that invade and cause damage to surrounding tissue. Oral cancer appears as a growth or sore that does not go away. Oral cancer — which includes cancers of the lips, tongue, cheek, floor of the mouth, hard and soft palate, sinuses, and pharynx (throat) — can be life-threatening if not diagnosed and treated early.
What are the signs and symptoms of oral cancer?
The following are the common signs and symptoms:
* Swellings/thickenings, lumps or bumps, rough spots/crusts/or eroded areas on the lips, gums, or other areas inside the mouth
* The development of velvety white, red, or speckled (white and red) patches in the mouth
* Unexplained bleeding in the mouth
* Unexplained numbness, loss of feeling, or pain/tenderness in any area of the face, mouth, or neck
* Persistent sores on the face, neck, or mouth that bleed easily and do not heal within two weeks
* A soreness or feeling that something is caught in the back of the throat
* Difficulty chewing or swallowing, speaking, or moving the jaw or tongue
* Hoarseness, chronic sore throat, or changes in the voice
* Ear pain
* A change in the way your teeth or dentures fit together – a change in your "bite"
* Dramatic weight loss
If you notice any of these changes, contact your dentist immediately for a professional examination.
I recently noticed a whitish patch in my mouth. Is this oral cancer?
This whitish patch could be leukoplakia. Leukoplakia, a condition caused by excess cell growth, can form on the cheeks, gums, or tongue. Leukoplakia is commonly seen in tobacco users, in people with ill-fitting dentures, and in those who have a habit of chewing on their cheek. This condition can progress to cancer. Red patches in the mouth (called erythroplakia) are less common than leukoplakia but have an even greater potential for being cancerous. Any white or red lesion in your mouth should be evaluated by your dentist.
Who gets oral cancer and what are the risk factors for oral cancer?
According to the American Cancer Society, men face twice the risk of developing oral cancer as women, and men who are over age 50 face the greatest risk. The rate of development of cancer of the oral cavity and pharynx began to decline in the late 1970s and has continued to decline throughout the 1990s in both African Americans, and white males and females.
Risk factors for the development of oral cancer include:
* Cigarette, cigar, or pipe smoking — Smokers are six times more likely than non-smokers to develop oral cancers.
* Use of smokeless tobacco products (for example, dip, snuff, or chewing tobacco) — Use of these products increase the risk of cancers of the cheek, gums, and lining of the lips.
* Excessive consumption of alcohol — Oral cancers are about six times more common in drinkers than in non-drinkers.
* Family history of cancer
* Excessive exposure to the sun — especially at a young age
It is important to note that more than 25% of all oral cancers occur in people who do not smoke and who only drink alcohol occasionally.
Other Oral Cancer Facts
Oral cancer is the sixth most common cancer among men.
About 75% to 80% of people with oral cavity and pharynx cancer consume alcohol.
People who smoke and drink alcohol have an even higher risk of cancer than those who only drink or only use tobacco products.
The risk of developing oral cavity and pharynx cancers increases both with the amount as well as the length of time tobacco and alcohol products are used.
Survival
The overall 1-year survival rate for patients with all stages of oral cavity and pharynx cancers is 81%. The 5 & 10-year survival rates are 56% and 41%, respectively.
How is oral cancer diagnosed?
Your dentist will conduct an oral cancer screening exam, which is a routine part of a comprehensive dental examination. More specifically, your dentist will feel for any lumps or irregular tissue changes in your neck, head, face, and oral cavity. When examining your mouth, your dentist will look for any sores or discolored tissue, as well as check for or ask you about the signs and symptoms mentioned above.
Your dentist might perform an oral brush biopsy if he or she sees tissue in your mouth that looks suspicious. This test is painless and involves taking a small sample of the tissue and analyzing it for abnormal cells. Alternatively, if the tissue looks even more suspicious, your dentist might recommend a scalpel biopsy. This procedure usually requires local anesthesia and might be performed by your dentist or a specialist referred by your dentist. These tests are necessary to detect oral cancer early, before it has had a chance to progress and spread.
How is oral cancer treated?
Oral cancer is treated the same way many other cancers are treated; that is with surgery to remove the cancerous growth followed by radiation therapy and/or chemotherapy (drug treatments) to destroy any remaining cancer cells.
What can I do to prevent oral cancer?
You can take an active role in preventing oral cancer or detecting it early, should it occur.
* Conduct a self exam at least once a month. Using a bright light and a mirror, look and feel your lips and front of your gums. Tilt your head back and look at and feel the roof of your mouth. Pull your checks out to view the inside of your mouth, the lining of your cheeks, and the back gums. Pull out your tongue and look at all surfaces. Examine the floor of your mouth. Look at the back of your throat. Feel for lumps or enlarged lymph nodes in both sides of your neck and under your lower jaw. Call your dentist’s office immediately if you notice any changes in the appearance of your mouth or any of the signs and symptoms mentioned above.
* See your dentist on a regular schedule. Even though you might be conducting frequent self exams, sometimes dangerous spots or sores in the mouth can be very tiny and difficult to see on your own. The American Cancer Society recommends oral cancer screening exams every three years for people over age 20 and annually for those over age 40. During your next dental appointment, ask your dentist to perform an oral exam. Early detection can improve the chance of successful treatment.
* Don’t smoke or use any tobacco products and drink alcohol in moderation. (Refrain from binge drinking.)
* Eat a well balanced diet.
* Limit your exposure to the sun. Repeated exposure increases the risk of cancer on the lip, especially the lower lip. When in the sun, use UV-A/B-blocking sun protective lotions on your skin as well as your lips.
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
The Exquisite Malaise
a one off risographed comic coming from YEAH DUDE 2015
It tells the wordless story of a beautiful young woman one the beach, a dirty and buff young man on a trash barge and their uncontrollable passions!!!
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
This part of the routine is where the samurai must carefully hold the cutting edge up and grasp the scabbard from underneath in the left hand in a forward-holding position. Then, they hold the hilt from above with the right hand and the initial
pull must be very carefully made so that only the collar's length gets drawn out. Giving a sudden powerful pull may not only impair the opening of the scabbard but also might result in an uncontrollable
jerk leading to injury.
www.medilaw.tv - Illustrates the surgical technique for performing an anterior lumbar interbody fusion. This procedure is used to remove an intervertebral disc that is causing uncontrollable pain or is compressing the adjacent spinal cord or nerve roots. A metal cage filled with bone chips is being used to replace the excised disc and maintain correct alignment. There are many different techniques to achieve the same end result, a pain-free, stable, anatomically positioned bony fusion. However, the basic procedure illustrated here is common to all anterior lumbar interbody fusions. Also shown is the removal of the pathological intervertebral disc, the metal cage insertion, x-ray position checks and finally wound closure.
A spinal fusion is done to join two vertebrae together to make one large bone. The surgeon roughens up the external surfaces of the two vertebrae to make the body's natural repair system think that one large bone has broken. The surgeon then adds bone to maintain and fill the gap. The body then joins the mass together, like a normal fracture. Full fusion takes three months. Bone chips can be taken from your hip at the time of the operation, and then grafted onto your vertebra. Alternatively, bone can be harvested from other patients and stored until needed in a bone bank. Using bone from the bone bank saves you the pain of this surgery, but doesn't produce as high fusion rates as using your own bone. Artificial and natural bone substitutes are also available. New bone from the roughened vertebra migrates along the grafted bone to connect the area to be fused. Bone Morphogenetic Proteins may be used to accelerate the fusion rate.
INDICATIONS
A spinal fusion is performed when the spine is unstable, and can't maintain the functional alignment between all of its important structures, or the abnormal movements cause pain and put adjacent structures at risk of injury.
Causes of spinal instability include degenerative joint disease, spondylolysis, fractures, infections and tumors.
ALTERNATIVES
The non-surgical alternative treatments to lumbar fusion are
avoiding bending, lifting, twisting and prolonged sitting
weight loss
walking
pain-relieving medication
physical therapy
hydrotherapy
The surgical alternative treatments to lumbar fusion are
injections of steroid and local anesthetic around nerves or into the facet joints
lumbar disc replacement in very few cases
The use of lumbar bracing and acupuncture is controversial.
GOALS
The damaged, painful intervertebral disc is removed and replaced with bone. This eventually fuses the two vertebral bodies together into one solid bone.
TECHNIQUE
You will be lying on your back. Your abdomen will be cleaned. An incision will be made and the overlying muscles moved to the side. Your surgeon will confirm the correct intervertebral disc for the procedure by using x-ray imaging. A window will be cut into the intervertebral disc and the disc contents removed. Any anterior vertebral body bone spurs (lipping, osteophytes) will be trimmed. The disc space will be opened, and the vertebral endplates prepared for the cages. The cages will be inserted with bone chips to facilitate fusion. X-rays will be performed to check the cages' position. The muscles will be replaced, and the wound closed with sutures. medico-legal 3D animations
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
HBM! I'm hoping as the weather starts getting warmer and sunnier that my BMs will be more creative (and yes, I giggle uncontrollably when I type bm).
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
“Don't worry about life, you're not going to survive it anyway.”
Story: Me and Aveiz took a detour from planned route and got into furniture lanes near Nampally. While walking we found this person enjoying his morning tea. It was a golden hour and Sunlight was perfect and we both literally ran to him and start clicking. He was excellent subject, he did not move a bit (yes he freezed)and totally supporting us till we got our shots. He listened to our instructions and did everything we asked him. This guy was awesome, we thanked him and moved away with great satisfaction.
After a while when we looked back at him from distance. To our surprize he was nodding his head uncontrollably. We looked at each other and shocked :P
We realized, this guy was seriously mentally unstable, he could have grabbed us or thrown tea on us or he could have done anything crazy.
Street photography is definetly an awesome genre and great adventure.
Canon 5Dmk2 + 17-40 f4L
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’re starving or freezing or so very poor
No one laughs at God
When the doctor calls after some routine tests
No one’s laughing at God
When it’s gotten real late
And their kid’s not back from the party yet
No one laughs at God
When their airplane start to uncontrollably shake
No one’s laughing at God
When they see the one they love, hand in hand with someone else
And they hope that they’re mistaken
No one laughs at God
When the cops knock on their door
And they say we got some bad news, sir
No one’s laughing at God
When there’s a famine or fire or flood
But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious
Ha ha
Ha ha
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God
When they’ve lost all they’ve got
And they don’t know what for
No one laughs at God on the day they realize
That the last sight they’ll ever see is a pair of hateful eyes
No one’s laughing at God when they’re saying their goodbyes
But God can be funny
At a cocktail party when listening to a good God-themed joke, or
Or when the crazies say He hates us
And they get so red in the head you think they’re ‘bout to choke
God can be funny,
When told he’ll give you money if you just pray the right way
And when presented like a genie who does magic like Houdini
Or grants wishes like Jiminy Cricket and Santa Claus
God can be so hilarious
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughs at God in a hospital
No one laughs at God in a war
No one laughing at God in hospital
No one’s laughing at God in a war
No one’s laughing at God when they’re starving or freezing or so very
poor
No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
No one’s laughing at God
We’re all laughing with God
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
While driving in the midwest, along straight highways for 6 or more hours, you and other drivers may encounter each other multiple times. You pass them, they pass you, somehow a relationship is established.
After passing and being passed by this particular car a number of times, I noticed that the woman driving presumably the mother of the kids was dressed fairly provocatively. After a moment of discussion Jesse and I decided it would be a great idea to make a small sign reading M.I.L.F. and display it between my arm and the window, the next step would be to pass them. As we road by pretending not to watch we could barely contain out excitement. A sideways glance confirmed they had read the message. Over the next 3 or so hours we would pass or be passed by this car repeatedly, when the kid in the front gave us the rock horns and shared his amazing lions mane with us we nearly swerved off the road laughing. The next and last time as we crossed into Colorado, we were greeted by a double moon, MILF at the wheel and her preteen riders, ass to the glass to bid us fair well.
Unfortunately, this guy seemed to have a concussion as he was unable to fly and was continually bobbing his head uncontrollably. There was no way to get him to a vet to get treatment, so we just left him alone in peace.
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
Doing a second set of smoke abstracts on incense sticks instead of the uncontrollable candle smoke from last time. It's actually quite interesting to watch how they flow differently... :)
This being Norway, of course there was a sauna.
After the sauna, had a dip in the ocean. It was so cold, I lost it and started laughing uncontrollably.
Just like anyone on social media, I like to fill my feed with happy images and highlights from my personal and professional life….but it’s time to start talking about the REAL stuff too!
Although it may seem like I have all of the happiness and confidence in the world if you look at my social media accounts, I have struggled with self esteem issues my entire life.
As a child, I grew up in an abusive environment filled with unresolved generational traumas where I was made to feel like I was the problem in myfamily, and unknowingly internalized that I as an individual was bad.
As with most abusive households, mine was an environment where nothing felt safe….even being myself. So, I began to develop a laundry list of unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a state of “survival mode” became my baseline as I entered my developmental years.
I felt so powerless under my father’s endless emotional abuse and violent outbursts at home, that I not only began to believe that type of behavior was normal, but also constantly felt the need to gain agency and assert my own will wherever possible. Which, obviously, did not go over well with my peers and teachers, and only caused me to more deeply internalize that I must be bad as I began to establish my sense of self outside of my family.
Like millions of other people with unresolved trauma, as things got worse for me emotionally, I turned to food for comfort, and quickly found myself significantly larger than almost everyone around me in elementary school. Something that my peers and father often made note of in cruel ways that hurt me so deeply and only further caused me to internalize that I must be bad.
Eventually, all of the shame that I felt during my childhood snowballed into deep depression and uncontrollable anxiety that I tried to heal with piles of prescriptions from different doctors that couldn’t seem to figure out what was “wrong” with me. When, in reality there was nothing “wrong” with me. I simply needed to find peace and be reminded that I AM GOOD.
Over the years - especially as I became an expectant mother at 17 years old and faced so much judgement for my choice to leave school in order to work while I was a pregnant - I found that excelling at my job served as an excellent surrogate for the validation I was seeking in my personal relationships, and I began to throw myself into my career, both as a way to support myself and my daughter as a single parent, and as a way to prove to myself through tangible means like paychecks and promotions that I was good.
It wasn’t until all of the unresolved trauma that I had been trying to bury with work began to manifest itself physically, that I finally accepted it was time to begin trying to show myself the love I knew I needed in order for my body to heal….even if the concept of being lovable still seemed totally forgeign to me, and I had no idea where to begin!
Abuse is a hard cycle to break, and self love is a hard lesson to learn. So, my path to healing was far from linear, or easy, but once I made that commitment to find and nurture the parts of myself that I loved, amazing things began to happen!
I’m pretty sure my friends and family thought I was losing my mind more than finding myself at first! But, as I began to explore myself as an energetic being and learn more about inner child and shadow work, I discovered that I wasn’t bad. I had just learned to protect (rather dysfunctionally) the vibrant, loving and vulnerable little Melissa who had learned that she needed to stay hidden in order to stay safe so long ago!
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can tell you, the hardest part about breaking the cycle is having no example of how to be any other way. My life had been filled with negativity for so long that I struggled to find myself in a peaceful situation even as I worked to heal myself.
As anyone who has recovered from abuse can also tell you, you just get used to it.
The pain and chaos becomes your baseline, and even when you are consciously in a state of growth away from that state of being, it’s all too easy to find yourself slipping back into relationships that make you feel most comfortable - even if they are simply toxic AF. Which is exactly what I was doing…..until I met Nate.
Before I met Nate, I had no idea what it felt like to be seen completely, and not only be accepted for who I was, but adored for it.
Most importantly though, Nate made me feel safe.
For the first time in my life, I was able to stop just surviving, and started thriving in ways I had forgotten that I was capable of.
It was like I had been trudging through mud my entire life, and was finally walking on solid ground for the first time when I finally learned to accept his love.
I began to see the entire world differently.
Instead of an endless stream of stressful situations and impending disasters, I started to see my life as promising and full of possibilities.
I began to see myself differently.
Instead of someone I felt I should be ashamed of, I started to see myself as someone kind and capable that I was proud to share with other people.
Once that shift occurred, I began to accomplish so many more things I felt that I could be proud of!
I learned to show myself the kindness I wish I had been shown, and found how freeing it can be to see the world through a less defensive lense.
I launched a successful private chef business out of nothing but my passion for food while I was still waiting tables and had nothing but my intuition to guide me.
I grew that little business into something that could provide a better life, and was finally able to start working for myself.
I built second, and third, businesses that provided me with more opportunities to do what I love, and a real sense that I was capable of so much good.
I started to be able to show up as my authentic self in social situations with less fear of being “seen” and judged for it.
But, even with all of those things to be proud of, I still held so much shame and anxiety around the idea that I was still somehow fundamentally bad at my core, and it was only a matter of time before I, and everyone else, would start to see it again.
The way that I had once used paychecks and promotions to provide myself with tangible evidence that I was good, I began to use images on social media as a tangible way for me to remind myself of all the positives when the negative self talk began to sneak into my mind.
At the time, I didn’t really think much into my motivation for posting about my life’s highlights on social media, because after all, it’s what everyone else does too and, let’s be honest - who doesn’t like getting likes?!
But when the pandemic hit last year and my ability to produce content that I felt I could use to prove to myself that I AM good was halted, it forced me to really examine the deeper emotional reasons that I felt it was so important for me to only share things that aligned with an image of positivity and success.
Being positive, and constantly focused on growth, is a huge part of who I am at my core - but it’s far from who I am all the time.
While I spent hours scrolling through social media during the early days of quarantine, I felt completely paralyzed as I watched other people post photos and videos of themselves functioning in ways I couldn’t even imagine in the moment.
It might sound silly, but when I felt the most lost in my emotions, just being able to just create and share a post about how to make a healthy smoothie made me feel like I was at least doing one thing I could be proud of, no matter how ashamed of myself I felt in the moment.
Thankfully, resilience seems to be my super power (dysfunctional as some of my survival mechanisms may be.) So, it didn’t take long for me to snap out of that depression and into that familiar feeling of “survival mode” that allowed me to begin working on ways to keep my businesses alive.
Being able to snap myself out of that paralyzing depression reminded me that I am a survivor and gave me the energy I needed to keep moving forward, but it also triggered all kinds of unhealthy coping mechanisms that I had worked so hard to move away from.
On the outside, I was pivoting like a pro. But, internally, it felt like my emotional state was falling to pieces.
Even though I knew that almost everyone else was struggling with their emotions as well, I just couldn’t bring myself to authentically share any of that darkness on social media.
I shared the smoothies.
I shared the healthy dinners.
I shared all of the milestones as I worked to rebuild my businesses.
Because that’s what made me feel safe.
What I didn’t share, was the insecurity.
What I didn't share, were the days that I could barely motivate myself to eat, let alone create something beautiful, or inspire anyone else to embrace taking care of themselves.
What I didn’t share, was the fear that everyone might see me at my worst and judge me for it.
What I didn’t share, was that I was really posting all of that for me, to prove to myself that I was still worthy of love - even though the only one who was even questioning that, was me!
Once I realized that I was using images on social media as a mask, I knew it was time to start healing those pieces of me that I still felt that I needed to hide.
I also knew that I wanted to share my story more authentically on social media somehow. But, I didn’t quite know how…..until I saw a post on Facebook from a local photographer working on a project about women sharing their authentic stories on social media, and it just spoke to me!
The concept was an unstyled shoot that showed the authentic me, accompanied by an essay to do the same - which seemed simple. But, it proved to be such a greater struggle than I had imagined!
The essay I could edit, and I’ve always loved to write, so I wasn’t worried about that. But, the photoshoot made me SO nervous!
Having grown up in a home where appearance and projecting the right image seemed to be of paramount importance, the idea of photos that might not portray me in the best light being published on the internet triggered all kinds of insecurities for me.
On the day of the shoot, I just chose to wear what was comfortable - the things I actually wear when I’m not trying to look a certain way.
I didn’t style my hair, or bother with more than my everyday makeup that consists of tinted moisturizer, a bit of bronzer and a little mascara.
If it were any regular day I would have felt perfectly comfortable with the way I looked.
In fact, I had made plans to meet a friend for dinner right after the shoot and felt great about the way I looked for that experience! But, the idea of being photographed like that, especially outside by the water where the wind would inevitably reveal angles of my face that I find unflattering, gave me anxiety for days before the shoot.
When I arrived for the shoot, I was nervous and far from the outgoing, confident Melissa that usually arrives at photoshoots when I’m styled perfectly and feeling my best.
As we walked through the quiet woods with the snow crunching beneath my boots, I realized that I felt so nervous because I had shown up to this photoshoot as the little Melissa that I had learned to hide and protect.
As we began to shoot, I started to feel sad, and strange that this would be the side of me captured on camera for this project. But, I quickly realized that it wasn’t sadness for the situation at hand that I was feeling.
It was sadness for little Melissa who had internalized that she wasn’t worth being seen just as she was.
Throughout the shoot, I couldn’t seem to shake that sense of sadness and I worried the photos would be ruined because of it.
But, when I saw the photos from the shoot a few weeks later, I realized that as we were walking and talking throughout the shoot, the images that Nikki captured began to tell a story.
The first photos looked posed and happy. But, of course they did. Because that’s my favorite mask, especially in front of the camera! So, I obviously felt fine about those being shared.
But, then there were some awkward attempts at me actually being natural in front of a camera. Which completely triggered all of the negative self-talk that typically leads to me taking great measures to avoid photos like that from ever seeing the light of day.
As we moved on, I could see the vulnerability in my eyes as I tried to let my guard down, and I felt so exposed knowing that side of myself would be shared.
Once we were by the water though, I started to see a sense of ease, and even strength emerging in the photos. Even if they weren’t my best angles and my hair was a mess, it looked like ME!
Not the styled, polished version of myself that I feel safest showing the world, but the authentic me that I have no problem sharing with the people I feel safe with.
Don’t get me wrong - I very authentically do LOVE to get dressed up, and genuinely think it’s fun to play with personal styling. It’s just fun for me! But, participating in this project has really helped me to reflect on how much I had been using my image as a mask to protect myself from negative self-talk.
As we all know now, wearing a mask can keep us safe, but it also prevents us from being fully seen.
Yes, taking off your mask can be a risk, just like letting other people see you completely can be a risk.
But, as we all know now after a year full of physical masking, nothing feels better than FINALLY being able to take off your mask and just breathe!
Merc fact #89
He is never naughty.
For the group's Shaming Challenge...
Even as a puppy, he never (and I don't use that word lightly) was naughty. He has an old, wise soul in his body -- no chewing stuff up, no stealing of food, no barking uncontrollably, no nada, nothing. He's a suck-up. I guess that maybe he's shameful in the eyes of our more creative four legger friends, eh?
A photo shoot on a cold and breezy day at the park. Julia and her daughter were great to work with. I especially liked this series when the wind began to whip their hair around uncontrollably.
Mother of a child... she sometimes wear things that just makes people stare uncontrollably for hours at a time!! I tell her that the building doesn't need heat in the winter if she wears "that" all the time!!
LOL at anyone googling 'sexy boots' and expecting something else! In the Canadian Tire marketing video for these, the presenter kisses his boots (I'm assuming in an uncontrollable fit of passion stemming from how extremely sexy they are). Hence the title.
Deputy Chief Ron Vitiello testifies at a Senate Homeland Security and Governmental Affairs Subcommittee on the Efficiency and Effectiveness of Federal Programs and the Federal Workforce hearing on, “Examining the Use and Abuse of Administratively Uncontrollable Overtime (AUO) at the Department of Homeland Security. Photo By James Tourtellotte.
www.medilaw.tv - Illustrates the surgical technique for performing a lumbar corpectomy, also known as a lumbar vertebrectomy. This procedure is used to remove one or more vertebral bodies and the adjacent intervertebral discs that are causing uncontrollable pain or are compressing the adjacent spinal cord or nerve roots. A metal cage filled with bone chips is being used to replace the excised tissue and maintain correct alignment. There are many different techniques to achieve the same end result, a pain-free, stable, anatomically positioned bony fusion. However, the basic procedure illustrated here is common to all lumbar corpectomies. Also shown is the removal of the pathological vertebral body and discs, the metal cage insertion, x-ray position checks and finally wound closure.
Corpectomy, or vertebrectomy, refers to the removal and replacement of a vertebra and the intervertebral discs above and below it. This is usually done because they are compressing the spinal cord in the back. A length of bone or a synthetic cage containing bone fragments or artificial bone replaces the vertebra and discs to form a strut to maintain the normal height and alignment of the back. The bone graft will fuse with the vertebra above and below, to form a solid, stable mass. A corpectomy can be used to replace a number of adjacent vertebrae, in which case an additional posterior fusion with metal screws and rods may be required to maintain stability of the graft while it fuses.
INDICATIONS
If a vertebra is damaged and needs replacing, or the front of the spinal canal is being compressed, causing pain, weakness or numbness in the legs, then a corpectomy may be required. The structures that can compress the anterior spinal cord include the vertebral body, the intervertebral disc and the posterior longitudinal ligament. The diseases that can cause this compression include infected, malignant or fractured vertebral bodies, degenerative disc disease and other diseases causing spinal instability.
ALTERNATIVES
The non-surgical alternatives to corpectomy may be
- activity modification
- weight loss
- aerobic exercise, such as walking, cycling, and swimming
- strength and flexibility exercises
- physical therapy
- hydrotherapy
- heat and cold pads
- acupuncture
- pain-relieving medications such as acetaminophen or paracetamol, non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs, glucosamine, chondroitin
The surgical alternatives to corpectomy may be
- steroid and local anesthetic injections
- surgical fusion
- disc replacement surgery, or arthroplasty.
GOALS
The goals of a corpectomy are to remove any pressure from the adjacent spinal cord, and to stabilize the spine in a pain-free, normal alignment.
TECHNIQUE
You will be lying on your back. Your abdomen will be cleaned. An incision will be made and the overlying muscles moved to the side. Your surgeon will confirm the correct disc for removal by using x-ray imaging. Any anterior vertebral body bone spurs (lipping, osteophytes) will be trimmed. Pins will be used to open up the collapsed disc spaces to regain normal spine alignment. The discs will be removed. Then the vertebral body will be channeled and a metal / plastic cage inserted. Bone chips will be added to assist fusion. X-rays will be performed to check the cage's position. The muscles will be replaced, and the wound closed with sutures. A drainage tube will be left in the wound. medicolegal videos
With his limp wrist and his last remaining fingers pointing skywards,Scruffy Burka danced uncontrollably to his favourite song........CLUBFOOT
Boy, you should have seen my face turn beet-red!
Had a shoot with Justis today, lent him my clothes, and they should turn out just dandy. First paid model shoot!
I realized today why all of my friends and acquaintances I've shot in the past have laughed uncontrollably when we first start shooting. Literally, every person I've shot who hasn't "modeled" before has burst into a fit of the giggles when I first start shooting after I give them a little coaching on how to move, pose, look, etc.
Then, it suddenly hit me when Justis started laughing when I told him to give me really intense eyes. You know what it was? He (and all of the others before him) were all nervous! Nervous!!
I would have never guessed. It makes sense in retroscope, of course; when someone is asking you to be "fierce like a tiger", of course you're gonna get very anxious and nervous. I know I would. They have little idea of what I want them to look like and they feel silly for doing "what the famous models do".
Anyone else ever encountered this?
In other news, my friend and upcoming model Emma was hit from behind in a car wreck today! Her neck was sore, but everything checked out. How scary.
Then we went to a spinning class at Gold's, and I'm pretty sure they have drains for all the sweat that drips to the floor, because good god, does that class make you sweat!
Got into a health kick after these two incidents, so I'm getting in touch with my chi here. Then again, I'm probably doing it wrong, especially when my face is redder than a tomato.
58/365
brolly cam left