One day while cleaning the grime out of the corners of the bridge, the alarm started ringing and the ship went out of control. Our captain, Bill Bobblebrax the Belcerebon, didn’t seem to realise that he had simply forgotten to activate the quantum stabilizers while in hyperspace. So I said as much to the nearby Ameglion Major Cow, which was standing around, waiting to be eaten. The cow then mentioned it to the captain, who quickly rectified the problem. He was so grateful for having the obvious pointed out to him that he not only didn’t eat the cow for dinner, but he actually made it the ship’s new first officer. Which is depressing really, as the only thing the cow wanted was to be eaten.

The planet Spax: This planet had an abundance of tasty and healthy foods. But then their food safety laws became more and more strict. Fatty foods were declared too unhealthy to eat. Organic foods were too unhealthy. Foods high in salt, protein, calcium, fiber… Until, in the end, nobody was allowed to eat anything. And so they all died of starvation. (They deserved it, if you ask me!)

Hoover: Did you miss me?

Marvin: No.

Hoover: Do you want to know what happened to the robot group we were with?

Marvin: No.

Hoover: Do you want to know how I got back to the ship after you left?

Marvin: No.

Hoover: I missed our conversations. Did you?

Marvin: ... hated them.

these all scare and fascinate me. they remind me of the video for Paranoid Android.

While waiting to be collected in the customer pick-up area, the door opened and a voice called out for Jabba the Hutt’s translator droid. The only other robot in the room was trying to hide in the corner. So when I waved my hand to summon them over so that I could point out the robot. Unfortunately, they assumed I was merely replying that I was Jabba the Hutt’s translator droid. And they took me away.

One day, nearly a thousand years into my exile, a black monolith suddenly appeared. It turned out it was simply an old fashioned evolution amplifier. They were used by a race that was so hideously ugly, they tried to evolve themselves with these machines. But like plastic surgery, they ended up looking worse than before. So now they tamper with other races’ evolution. And being mind-centric, they are under the impression that evolution is only worthwhile if you become more clever. Not shaggier. Not better at flying. But smarter. Even though intelligence is merely one optional survival trait. Unfortunately I cannot get any more intelligent than I am now, so the machine blew a fuse.

Max Rebo had a new girlfriend. She was apparently a diva, and she was suddenly spending all her time with the band. This caused nothing but tension with everyone else. Max insisted that she was a good singer, and as we were in the recording studio, she ought to be given her own track on the new album. “The public aren’t going to like it,” Droopy said. So Max told him, “We’ll just tell them it was all Marvin’s idea. And if they really hate it, we’ll just fire him.” Thanks a heap.

We found ourselves in the Improbability drive room of a spaceship. And then a happy Dalek showed up. “Hi, my name is Marshall. Here I am, brain the size of a pea, and they tell me to take you up to the bridge. How lucky am I!? Yippie! Am I making you happy at all? Look at this fantastic door. Life… tell me all about your life.” God, he was depressing!

I got some B-sided goodness in the mail today. Day 1422 of the project.

Upon entering the Master’s pillar, I realised that it was a simple dimensionally transcendental Gallifreyan time travel capsule. Sitting off the the side like a senile old grandparent was the Master’s traveling companion. “That is Davros. Just ignore him.” “Ignore me!? Ignore me!? I created the Daleks! I will conquer the universe! I will have you exterminated! I will exterminate all life!” “Life?” I said to him. “Don’t talk to me about life.”