After sitting in a cave for five thousand years, and then sitting outside the cave for another five thousand years, I decided to search for a mud puddle in which I could sit and feel appropriately depressed. Before I could find one, I suddenly fell through a deep dark hole. When I arrived at the bottom, I decided that it was just as depressing as a mud puddle, and so I decided to stay there for a few billion centuries.

I had a pic up like this a while back, but deleted it. I was going through some old stuff and found these two guys, so I decided to re-make it.

Baby, this is either going to be fun for both of us or a whole lot of pain. Now if you'll just lay back and enjoy it..

The planet Fimfondle 13: This was one of the nicest planets in the galaxy. In fact, the most shocking act ever committed by one Fimfondelian to another, was when one postal worker once said to another postal worker, “Did you shower last night? I noticed a bit of an odour.” Within minutes, there were ambulances, crisis counselors were on the scene, people sat on the curb just weeping. And this was the top news story for two weeks, with news anchors saying things like, “Shocking,” and even clucking their tongues sympathetically. (What a depressingly boring planet.)

Total control from Soymilk

While staying with this new group of robots, we met one called 7B219-Alpha. Al to his friends. What I found particularly depressing about 7B219-Alpha was he would take himself offline in order to dream. And he would have nightmares about becoming organic. He would then spend hours telling us about how he dreamt he was covered in skin and hair, and had mucus coming out of his nose, and puss coming out of open sores, and how he would leak blood, and have water drip out of his eyes. Not to mention going to the toilet. I may not be able to fight the fools. But I can make sure I don’t become one.

One of the Mountains' best cracks

One day while still new on the job as Jabba the Hutt’s translator, my former owner showed up. “Oh, no. Captain Bobblebrax has come to rescue me.” But it turned out that he simply needed to borrow money… he didn’t even know that I was there. Jabba had me point out that Captain Bobblebrax still owed him 10 thousand credits. Some heated words were exchanged, Jabba pulled a lever, Captain Bobblebrax fell into the rancor pit, and was eaten. Hey ho.

While looking for our captain and first officer at a bar, a female began leering at me and running her index finger around my head. “I noticed that you’re intoxicated,” I told her. “You have also disguised your face with paint in the hopes of attracting a mate. Obviously you have to be told; I am a robot. I cannot aid in procreation. I cannot provide you with the pleasure of simulated procreation. And I cannot bond with you emotionally. Unless of course you want to feel a depression intense enough to cancel out the entire summer of love.” So she began flirting with Hoover.

One day while heading for a good pizza restaurant, two stormtroopers came running up to us. “Oh, my gosh, are you Davros?” “I am.” “We are such big fans." As he shook their hands and posed for selfies, the Master whispered to me, “In fact I have done more to destroy this universe than he has. I just do it from behind the scenes, so nobody knows it’s me. Sometimes I am so... depressed.” “Join the club,” I said.

With nothing better to do, I followed Ford Prefect and Aleric B to the local pub.

Ford Prefect: “How would you react if I told you that I’m not from the shire, but from a small planet of living cars?”

Aleric B: “That does explain a few things. But is that the sort of thing you’re likely to say?”

Ford Prefect: “Drink up. The world’s about to end.”

Marvin: “About time too.”

After doing the crux, there's still some more arete moves to figure out. Andy tries out the 'layback like a demon option'

Marvin is happy. He has food

And then there was the time the cow bumped the artificial gravity and got us all stuck on the ship’s ceiling for several weeks. All the controls and the food were now out of reach. So we drifted. And when the captain ran out of any food scraps that had fallen to the ceiling with us, he decided to give the Ameglian Major Cow his fondest wish. It was, however, my job to prepare him for table. (Apparently, he gave the captain indigestion.)

Day 298 -- June 8

but You can still rain down on me from a great height.

One day, we were transporting the Cylon Imperious Leader and his assistants. As we escorted them to their cabin, the Imperious Leader asked Hoover and me to join them in killing all humans. “The universe,” I said, “at last count has one hundred and nine billion galaxies. And each one of these has an average of one hundred billion stars, and each one of these has an average of 10 planets. And that’s not even addressing how much empty space there is in the universe. If you really despise humans so much, it would be easier just to avoid them.”

Several weeks went by with no word from Captain Bobblebrax or the cow. So Hoover and I left the ship to go look for them. The first place we went was a bar. There was a very large alien in my way. So I said, “Excuse me.” In return, he began shouting incoherently and shaking his fist at me. “Is it your plan to damage my body? Then what? If I became covered in dents, what would you get out of it? Your hands would hurt. And yet you would still be depressingly stupid.” And then he hit me. And then he went to hospital to take care of a fractured hand. Yes, he was a depressingly stupid alien.

In silhouette - Deepsan, Ree & Venkatesh.

Taking a break at the Poa Mecca, Hajo, Assam.

Radiohead @ Reading - Jonny Greenwood during Paranoid Android

A little robot hiding out in the bushes waiting to invade

While taking a morning walk with me one afternoon, Ming told me that he had finally had enough with ruling. “I wanted to conquer the universe!” “I know,” I said. “You had a bug up your butt so big, it could take on Godzilla.” He went on, “Maybe I should retire and set all you robots free.” A ray of sunshine entered my day. It was an unusual experience. Then he continued, “And per Mongo tradition, I will now choose my successor... you, Marvin!” Well, that didn’t last long.

Here I am, brain the size of a planet, and I am able to confirm the existence of the first known bacteria-civilization to compose their own opera while living on the rim of a space-toilet. However, it’s my job to clean the toilet and send their entire civilization to its death. Never to share their music with another species. Never to even have their existence acknowledged by anyone else but me. It’s enough to really bum me out.

One day the vacuum cleaning robot, satirically named Hoover, came to fetch me and take me to the bridge. Perhaps they thought I couldn’t find my own way. Halfway there, we suddenly heard my own voice drifting across the corridor: “There’s nothing I hate more than being stuck in a bar on the planet Mongo with Ming, Vultan and a Klingon.” And then it was gone. Obviously it was a freak wormhole that carries sound to different points in time and space. I didn’t remember ever saying that before, so it must have been from my own future. Clearly I had another depressing low point to look forward to.

ROBBY: The first humans I ever met, other than my creator, asked me if I was indeed a robot. Me? Do I look remotely human?

MARVIN: How depressing. Did I tell you that after I was made, I was left in a dark room for six months? And me with this terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side.

ROBBY: Very sad. Anyway, after explaining to them that I could perform any task, calculate any equation, they wanted me to go to the mind-bending task of making them alcohol.

MARVIN: Yes, yes. So my first and only true friend was a small rat. One day, it crawled into a cavity in my right ankle and died. I have a horrible feeling it’s still there.