If you think you are beaten you are,

if you think you dare not you don't,

if you'd like to win but you think you cant

its almost a fact you wont,

if you think you'll lose you're lost

for out in the world we find,

success begins with a fellows will

its all in the state of mind,

if you think you are outclassed you are

you've got to think high to rise,

you've got to be sure of yourself

before you can ever win the prize,

life's battle doesn't always go to the stronger or faster man

but sooner or later the man who wins

is the man who thinks he can...

Bodybuilding Bible

From November 1, 2023: I’ve felt so #broken again lately, both #emotionally & #physically, & frankly, it’s beyond #embarrassing crying on here about my #persistent #personal #failures.

Today was the 80th day of my intravenous #antibiotics therapy. Sadly, I still have a few more weeks of this. The antibiotics really drain my system, leaving me #lethargic & unproductive by the time I get to my Mom’s place, where I’ve been staying since I had my #stroke.

I’ve messed up my #ArtHistory course. I didn’t tell the professor what’s been happening with my health, primarily because when I had done so in the past it was deemed to be #oversharing & #inappropriate. Since then, I’ve done my best to not miss this teacher’s classes & to get my work in.

But I did miss the first class, & I had hoped not to miss another. Stupidly, I did miss the October 11 class as on the 10th I got my COVID-19 booster #shot, as well as my annual flu vaccination. Those shots, combined with the ongoing antibiotics therapy, knocked me out hard. I remember I developed a fever, & sleeping all day. When I went for my IV, I remember describing how horrible I felt to the nurses & considered going to the ER. Actually, one of the nurses took me back to my car in a wheelchair & I ended up sleeping in my car for an hour or two before heading back to my Mom’s. In hindsight, I should not have even driven.

On October 17, I saw that the professor had emailed me, saying they had contacted the early alert team at @kwantlenu (who I never heard back from), & strongly recommended I drop the class.

I went to the next class, & the professor told me to see them in the hallway after asking me why I was there. They firmly talked to me like a strict parent talks to a child. They were tired of my games & if I was going to stay in the course, I had to leave now to work on & hand in an incomplete assignment by the end of the day. I worked hard on it, but as the midnight hour approached I found myself giving up as I was only halfway through the questions. Very early the next morning, they emailed me saying they were failing me in the course, leaving me feeling so useless for not handling things better with them.

(305/365)

September 20, 2023: I’m so exhausted today. I haven’t had a chance to pick up my two week supply of medicine and probably won’t get time to do it till tomorrow. Yesterday was spent mainly at the hospital as a wound care specialist treated my feet, using special tools like good old fashioned scalpels to cut and scrape away the dead skin and a few calluses on my toes and feet. When she treated my right foot I could see it still bleeds, but she said that’s a good thing as it means the tissues are still being fed by the body. Still healing. One toe had signs of fungus growing and they are going to get me on a cream and medication to treat that starting today or tomorrow. I guess they’re giving me another prescription so it’ll be tomorrow as I don’t go into the hospital till after my class, which I didn’t finish my readings for. So I’m behind but somehow I’ll catch up with it this week. I wanted to get up early and finish it but slept through a dozen alarms I’d set on my iPhone and my Fitbit watch. Fun.

I don’t know if I should take my Tylenol 3. My foots in pain again, but that medication sometimes makes me sleepy and given that I’m already tired as fuck, I figure I shouldn’t take it till tonight. I’m guessing I only have about 10 days left or the daily antibiotic IV regiment left which would be nice to stop to get a bit of my days back. But even last week when they measured my swelling, it showed signs there is still some infection in my system. But it’s healing. The wound specialist gave me a prescription that allowed me to get a second offloading shoe yesterday, so both my feet have them now. The other foot has always been better but pressure on it was still making the smaller wound slower at healing, and she said I probably should have had both feet in offloading shoes from the beginning.

Okay. Time to get up. It’s moments like these when my body is physically wrecked and I fall behind with some of my responsibilities that I just want to stay in bed all day but I have too much to do to fall into that trap again.

(263/365)

the coolest left-handed, psychedelic clothes wearing, gum chewing musician there was

jimi baby, I'll tell you how it feels...heh....it sucks! but thanks for asking!

1st (2) Dr Zempf(GB) 6/5 F

2nd (9) Chuck Willis(IRE) 10/1

3rd (7) Starting Over 12/1

Winning jockey : Tyler Gaffalione

and this is my new beginning

Just signed the lease on my new apartment, two blocks form the beach!! yaaayy!!

The shop is getting a makeover! I will be keeping the best bits, and finding or making new treasures to fill in the empty spots!

I try to notice the little things that get overlooked. I moved into this apt. late last year, and I'm still noticing new things all the time.

"It is impossible to be creative with your life and to worry about what people think of you - so the choice is which one to give up."(May 29)~Anne Dickson, a Book of your Own

::inspired by her macro photography ;)

September 27, 2023: Six more weeks.

That’s how much longer my wound & IV antibiotics therapy will continue at Peace Arch Hospital after the doctor examined my feet today. I’m also supposed to stay off my feet as much as possible which isn’t easy with everything I need to get done.

My wounds are healing, but the doctor could still feel the bone through my left foot, which was the larger wound, so the treatments would have to continue less an infection come back which would result in the possibility of my losing at least my big toe on my right side.

So this will make life interesting. Part of me is worried, and a little scared. But another big part of me is relieved the doctor doesn’t want to hack it off.

I decided to make this joiner collage while the IV dripped antibiotic and other fluids into me. I listened to a bit of an art history video I’ve been watching, part of a short Udemy course on Contemporary Art I’ve been working through. I’ve been taking notes on my website’s online journal and would like to finish that soon.

Right now, I’m sitting in my car as the rain patters down on my roof and windshield. Before my appointment today I changed in a hospital bathroom, out of a long pair of jeans into some jean shorts as they’ve also been treating some scars on my legs. Now I’m going to head back to Mum’s to have dinner and probably turn in early tonight. The antibiotics can make me drowsy, but thankfully I haven’t felt as dizzy as I was for a few days last week. Haven’t felt the desire to throw up.

I want to exercise some more. I found this exercise app I have from when I had my stroke has a whole bunch of exercises I can do seated in a chair, so I am going to do those as they won’t require me to put pressure on my feet. If the doctor had said they were healed more than they are, I’d have started up walking the 5-10km walks on October 1. So now the goal for that is November 1.

Wish me luck.

(270/365)

i decided to delete my other two flickr accounts and start over with a new one. so, hello again :)

September 23, 2023: I’ve thought a lot about actor Billy Miller, who passed away on Friday, September 15, just two days before his 44th birthday. Initially, there was no indication made in the official statement by the family regarding his cause of death, but it did say that Miller had long been struggling with manic depression.

A few days ago, a second statement was released, this time by Miller's mother, Patricia. I saw it online last night & it revealed that his death was due to suicide following his battle with bipolar depression. Specifically, she described how:

"He fought a long hard valiant battle with bipolar depression for years. He did everything he could to control the disease. He loved his family, his friends, & his fans but in the end the disease won the fight & he surrendered his life."

I didn’t know Miller had suffered.

I did know him from his work on @YoungAndRestlessCBS where he portrayed the character of Billy Abbot from 2008-2014. I had watched the show in the 1990s, as it was on while my Mum made dinner at 5pm every afternoon but I fell away from watching it for over a decade until I came down with pneumonia in the summer of 2010. Miller was a standout, & so many of the stories written for his character allowed him to explore such a wide range of experiences & emotions - including depression after the loss of the character’s oldest daughter. It was impossible not to feel the pain his character was going through because of his powerhouse performance.

He left the show in 2014 & I did my best to follow his career although I never watched him when he became a part of the soap General Hospital.

I sobbed last night when I read his Mother describe how he had lost his battle to manic depression. I think about my own battle with anxiety & major depression & how close I’ve been to losing it all. I just wish it was easier to talk about mental health, in a serious but empathic manner. I still reflect on the few weeks I spent in hospital following my own suicide attempt back in 2021, two years ago this week. It feels like I’ve made some progress but also like I’ve made absolutely none.

(266/365).

1/365

Kicking off Project 365:II, we spent a marvelous first-day-of-Pookie's-vacation sitting around and stitching while watching a marathon of "The Shield". Midway through the afternoon, Roy decided he wanted to jump into Boomer's quilting and spilled a box of pins in the process. Good thing we found the little magnet pin-picker-upper doohickey again the other day. It worked like a charm.

This will be my Christmas card!!!

tomorrow (or later on today, rather - it's past midnight), i'll be getting this lens as an early birthday present! after doing a lot of research i've decided to choose the nikkor 35mm f1.8 and i'm really hyped.

i haven't been on flickr much, but starting tomorrow i'll be on day 1 of the 365 project. i think it'll help me ease my way back into photography. i haven't taken many good photos in a while, so i hope this will be motivation.

i also miss my pro account. D:

Driving through the San Gabriel mountains over the weekend and saw the damage the fires had done. Then the erosion from all the rains we had here in California.

Processed with VSCO with e8 preset

1st (2) Dr Zempf(GB) 6/5 F

2nd (9) Chuck Willis(IRE) 10/1

3rd (7) Starting Over 12/1

Winning jockey : Tyler Gaffalione

Price Reduction on a beautiful in-town home! Great Location!

220 East James St. in Ely, MN

$134,900!!

For more info: elymn.bearislandland.com/idx/details/listing/a321/6030349...

Call 218-340-5028 for more information!

.

.

#homesunder150k

#MLS Listings #3bdroomhome #housestobuy #houselistings #buyingahouseprocess #feeswhenbuyingahouse #RealEstateAgent #realestatemarkettrends #Residential #houseportrait #house #housing #instagood #photography #interiordesigns #realestate #newlife #startingover #home #homeiswheretheheartis

August 15, 2023: I haven’t posted too regularly here but on July 9 I was doing yard work and ended up hosing down several windows and the front porch at my Mom’s. I remember looking down at my feet cushioned in sandals that were soaking wet, to find the skin on my big toes had peeled away. My feet had been very dry as I hadn’t been applying any moisturizer, but needless to say it was concerning.

Since then my left foot has been healing a lot faster but my right foot hasn’t been, in spite of soaking them every other day in an antiseptic and Epson salt rinse, applying extra strength @polysporin and bandaging them up as best I can. But in the last few days I’ve had excruciating pain in the nerves running down my lower right leg, and into the heal of my foot. My Mum was giving me a Tylenol 3 to help me push through but has wanted me to get things checked for awhile now. My doctor is away and the walk in clinic I go to, where my previous doctor works at was booked into next week. So I came to Peace Arch Hospital.

I’ve been here for an hour now. I’m thirsty. My foot aches. The doctor and nurse who checked me in were concerned if my right foot is infected, the infection may have moved into the bones. They also said I should have come in sooner given I’m diabetic. But the one toe on my left foot has been healing well, and I thought the other would catch up with time. I hate coming into the hospital, but the pain is making it hard to sleep, and get work done around my Mom’s house. I thought maybe I was getting a fever last night too, I couldn’t take my temperature as I don’t know where it is… but they took it when I was admitted and he didn’t say I had a fever so maybe that’s passed. They took blood, so we’ll see how bad my blood sugar is, I’ve been having too many baked goods and colas again lately so I suspect it will be high. They also did an ECG and when I was checked in they said he’ll let the doctor decide on whether any x-rays or other imaging was needed. So we’ll see.

(226/365).

Ends Are Beginnings

Er...depressing day I guess. I was having one of those moments where every thought is bad. We were talking about growing up earlier and how this year, most of us are turning eighteen. Eighteen! Its so weird because I still feel like, Fourteen or something. I still feel I have growing to do, I still feel like a child and to me when you turn eighteen, Its time to grow up.

So this is exactly what the names applies, am I letting myself slip because I have to, or am I letting go.

I don't want to get old!

Depth.