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Anxiety and Vulnerability
Wow, on this past Sunday, I had a beautiful moment of Anxiety and Vulnerability. That sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it. Anxiety is not beautiful and vulnerability blows chunks. Honestly, I had had a relaxing day.
Sunday's are my "non-parenting" days. I don't cook, clean, or parent (hahahaha). This is a day of rest, reflection, and sometimes organization. I catch up on emails, menus for the week, organize a closet or two, church, and just relaxation. This particular Sunday, I tackled shaving my dog.
As the day wore on, nothing out of the ordinary was happening. I was noticing our new mattress isn't as good as it was. My room needs to be dealt with but I didn't want too. I took a shower, wrote for my blog, and pet my critters.
Then, about 10, I asked Bart to bring me up something to drink. We sat for a minute and talked about the upcoming week. He followed me into the bathroom and we chatted more. As he was sitting on my stool and I on the pot, cause why not, I began to feel anxiety wash up over me.
Past Me
In the past, I would push it down and ignore it. There is no way on God's green earth I would disclose what I was feeling to Bart. Show no emotion. Show no fear. Show no weakness. Wait till you are alone as to not burden him or have him look at you with that thought of I am crazy.
Present Me
This time, however, I let it all hangout.
barefootfaithjourney.com/2021/12/09/anxiety-and-vulnerabi...
➪ꜰɪᴛ : [ @ersch_sl ] - ᴄʜᴇғ sᴜɪᴛ ғᴘ @ (ᴍᴀɪɴsᴛᴏʀᴇ ♡)
➪ ɴᴀɪʟs [ @shop1990.sl ] - sᴜɴsʜɪɴᴇ sᴇᴛ 💅 @ (ᴄᴀᴋᴇᴅᴀʏ)
➪ᴘᴇᴅɪ : [ @shop1990.sl ] - ᴅᴏɴᴜᴛ ʟᴏᴠᴇʀ
➪ғᴏᴏᴅ: [ @silverspoonsl ] - sɪʟᴠᴇʀsᴘᴏᴏɴ [s.s] sᴡᴇᴇᴛ ᴄʜɪʟɪ ᴘᴏᴍᴇɢʀᴀɴᴀᴛᴇ ᴄʜɪᴄᴋᴇɴ
ᴛɢs;̆̈
#SL #slavi #secondlifeavi #secondlifelesbians #sims4 #selflove #secondlifebaddie #secondlifeedit #secondlifeblogger #secondlifeart #secondlifeartist #newfriends#secondlifecommunity #secondlifebusiness #secondlifestyle #thesims #vanityedits #explorepage #likeforlike #fff💋
➪ᴏᴜᴛғɪᴛ: [ ]- ʜᴀᴠᴏᴄ . ᴋʀɪsᴛᴀ ᴅʀᴇss
@(ᴍᴀɪɴsᴛᴏʀᴇ)
➪ɴᴀɪʟs: [ ] - ʙᴀʀʙɪᴇ ᴇssᴇɴᴛɪᴀʟs sᴇᴛ +ʜᴜᴅ & ᴘᴇᴅɪ 💅@ ᴛʜᴇ ɢʀᴀɴᴅ 💕
➪ʙᴀɢ: [ ]- ʀᴏsʟʏɴ. ᴄᴀʟʟɪᴇ ʙᴀɢ. ғᴘ ♥
➪ᴘᴏsᴇ:[ ] - sᴛᴜsʜᴀɴɪᴍ -ᴏᴏᴛᴅᴠ ɴᴏᴡ @ (ᴍs & ᴍᴘ) ᴜsᴇ ᴘʀᴏᴍᴏ ᴄᴏᴅᴇ xᴀɪ ғᴏʀ % ᴏғғ ɴᴏᴡ ᴛʜɪs ᴘᴏsᴇ && #stushedout ɢʀɪᴘᴘᴀs ᴠ2 ᴘᴋ | @ (ᴍᴀɪɴsᴛᴏʀᴇ♡)
ᴛɢs;̆̈
#SL #slavi #secondlifeavi #secondlifelesbians #sims4 #selflove #secondlifebaddie #secondlifeedit #secondlifeblogger #secondlifeart #secondlifeartist #newfriends#secondlifecommunity #secondlifebusiness ##thesims #vanityedits #explorepage #likeforlike #fff
➪ᴅʀᴇss: [ ]-ᴇʀsᴄʜ [ᴘ&ᴇ] : -ɢᴀᴇʟɪɴɴᴇ ᴏᴜᴛғɪᴛ ʙᴘ @(ᴍᴀɪɴsᴛᴏʀᴇ) ᴛɢs;̆̈
#SL #slavi #secondlifeavi #secondlifelesbians #sims4 #selflove #secondlifebaddie #secondlifeedit #secondlifeblogger #secondlifeart #secondlifeartist #newfriends#secondlifecommunity #secondlifebusiness ##thesims #vanityedits #explorepage #likeforlike #fff
Brain Zaps, Random Pizza, Temper Tantrum, and Life Thoughts
Brain Zaps, Random Pizza, Temper Tantrum, and Life Thoughts. Have you ever looked at yourself in wonder where you went? That young person you were, is no longer there. The young adult you were went by in sheer survival mode. The 30s were supposed to revive you, yet it flew by in a trauma tornado. 40s were the "new" 30s and sadly, you missed that decade too.
Who Am I Now?
Honestly, I have no clue. I was told, now that my house is dwindling down in children, that I need to start trying new things to see what I like. My taste might have changed. I liked singing, drawing, needlepoint, and reading.
Now, singing is a thing of the past. Whenever I turn a song on, I usually bawl my eyes out. Drawing and needlepoint is not gonna happen because of my tremors. Reading, I could get into that again but once I start a book, I cannot stop and everything gets neglected.
So, what am I to do? Take up horseback riding (did that, too old now), rodeo clown, runner, Bible thumper, interpretative dance? None of those things sound appealing. What does a woman, almost 49 years old do? I would love to go back to work, but doing what I want to do which is counseling. Maybe I would enjoy getting my Ph.D. That costs LOTS of money, that I don't necessarily have to dedicate to another 2 years of college. I mean, lets face it, I'm still paying for my Master's and I never use it.
barefootfaithjourney.com/2021/10/28/brain-zaps-random-piz...
Okay, it's not anything fancy. But for me, this is as dressed up as I've gotten in a long time! Earrings!! A T-shirt that's not entirely shapeless, that actually shows a bit of *gasp* cleavage! You don't know how big that is for me, given my poor, mutilated self-image and lifelong dedication to ignoring my body, denying my woman-ness. But do I think I Iook cute in this photo? Hell, yeah. ;)
I do not own
(©) Note that all music rights are the property of their respective owners. This is for entertainment purposes only with no intent of copyright. I do not own the rights to the music or sound bits included in the content of this video.(©) All content is presented strictly under the fair use act. All right reserved to original content creators and companies and parties.(©) Under section 107 of the Copyright Act, copyrighted works can be used or borrowed without the creator’s permission for “fair use” purposes, such as education or commentary.(©) THE BAPTISE FAMILY FOUNDATION, A PANADASTUDIOS FILM, OR KING PRODUCTIONS DOES NOT OWN NO RIGHTS TO THE MUSIC CONTENT IN OUR ENTERTAINMENT PURPOSES VIDEOS!.(©) Videographer : @PandaPanda1117
Co-Founder: The Baptiste Family Foundation
Founder: A PandaStudios Film
Co-Founder: King Productions
#slgodfirst #secondlifegodfirst #sljukechicago #secondlifejukechicago #sljukemidwest #secondlifejukemidwest #selflove #secondlife #secondlifeselfie #secondlifesexymelanin #sllife #secondlifeart #slavi #sl #secondlifephoto #itsavyb #dancer #sldance #secondlifephoto #slexplorer #secondlifeexplorer #slnoplatforms #secondlifenoplatforms #slremainsolidunderpressure #secondliferemainsolideunderpressure
#slneverfold #secondlifeneverfold #sli'drathereatgritswithatoothpick
#secondlifei'drathereatgritswithatoothpick #slrp #secondliferoleplay
#slchitwn #secondlifechitwn #slatl #secondlifeatl #slfishing #secondlifefishing #sldarkskinladies #secondlifedarkskinladies #BaptisteTwins
fridays = self love
Part of the 52 Fridays Self Portrait Challenge. The theme for February is what we love.
I believe that you have to love yourself in order to love others. Self portraits may help you discover a part of yourself that you didn't know or had forgotten. Especially as a busy mom, it's easy to put ourselves on the side at times, but it's important to take time for ourselves. It didn't take long for me to do my hair a little better than usual and put a little make up on, then take a few shots. I am not ashamed to say that I really like this photo.
I encourage anyone to go and take a self portrait...go on, do it!
52 Fridays :: 8
Project 366 :: February 24
➪ᴅʀᴇss: [ @havoc.sl ]- ʜᴀᴠᴏᴄ . ʟᴇᴍᴏɴᴀᴅᴇ ᴅʀᴇss ᴇxᴄʟᴜsɪᴠᴇʟʏ
@(ᴅᴏʟʟʜᴏʟɪᴄ)
➪ɴᴀɪʟs: [ @shop1990.sl ] - sᴜɢᴀʀ ʀᴜsʜ ʜʏᴘᴇ ᴅᴇᴄᴏ sᴇᴛ 💅+ʜᴜᴅ @ ᴄᴀᴋᴇᴅᴀʏ
➪ᴘᴏsᴇ:[ @stush.anim ] - sᴛᴜsʜᴀɴɪᴍ ᴍᴏɴᴀ ᴘᴏsᴇ ᴘᴋ @ (ᴍs & ᴍᴘ) ᴜsᴇ ᴘʀᴏᴍᴏ ᴄᴏᴅᴇ xᴀɪ ғᴏʀ % ᴏғғ ɴᴏᴡ ᴛʜɪs ᴘᴏsᴇ && #stushedout💅
➪sʜᴏᴇs: [ @majesty.ceo ] - [ᴍᴀᴊᴇsᴛʏ] -ᴊᴇʟʟʏᴍᴜʟᴇs 👡 ️
ᴛɢs;̆̈
#SL #slavi #secondlifeavi #secondlifelesbians #sims4 #selflove #secondlifebaddie #secondlifeedit #secondlifeblogger #likeforlike #metaverse #virtualavatar #secondlifeart #secondlifeartist #newfriends#secondlifecommunity #secondlifebusiness ##thesims #vanityedits #explorepage #likeforlike #' #pinkhairdontcare
➪ᴏᴜᴛғɪᴛ: [ @ersch_sl ]- ᴇʀsᴄʜ : - ɢʀᴇᴇɴʏᴀ ᴅʀᴇss @(ᴍᴀɪɴsᴛᴏʀᴇ)
➪ɴᴀɪʟs: [ @shop1990.sl ] - ᴀɪʀʙʀᴜsʜ ʙᴜɴɴʏ sᴇᴛ 💅@ ᴍᴀɪɴsᴛᴏʀᴇ
ᴛɢs;̆̈
#SL #slavi #secondlifeavi #secondlifelesbians #sims4 #selflove #secondlifebaddie #secondlifeedit #secondlifeblogger #secondlifeart #secondlifeartist #newfriends#secondlifecommunity #secondlifebusiness ##thesims #vanityedits #explorepage #likeforlike #fff #slholiday #slchristmas
➪ᴏᴜᴛғɪᴛ: [ @ersch_sl ]- ᴇʀsᴄʜ: - ʙᴀᴛ ᴄʜᴇᴇʀ sᴜɪᴛ @(ᴍᴀɪɴsᴛᴏʀᴇ)
➪ɴᴀɪʟs: [ @shop1990.sl ] - ᴘ*ʀɴsᴛᴀʀ sᴇᴛ & ᴘᴇᴅɪ 💅@ ᴍᴀɪɴsᴛᴏʀᴇ 💕
ᴛɢs;̆̈
#SL #slavi #secondlifeavi #secondlifelesbians #sims4 #selflove #secondlifebaddie #secondlifeedit #secondlifeblogger #likeforlike #metaverse #virtualavatar #secondlifeart #secondlifeartist #newfriends#secondlifecommunity #secondlifebusiness ##thesims #vanityedits #explorepage #likeforlike #' #pinkhairdontcare
From November 2, 2021: Feeling #high as a #kite, lighter than air. All because of one amazing #person who, if they see this, knows who they are.
I know #true #happiness has to come from within though, but another person can always compliment that, and even help it maintain #altitude or fly even #higher.
306/365.
This post was first published on Instagram.
#selfie #subvert #subverted #subvertedselfie #selflove #masturbationisselfcare #masturbationtuesday #elation #stayhome #interaction #livingmybestlife #dreaming #fantasizing #loving #instagood #selfietime #selfieofday #selfieoftheday #smiling #eyeswideopen #chakraexplosion #mindblasting #mindblown
Quote by Mary Katherine Backstrom
"I love when somebody says about a woman, 'Oh, she's too much. She's too much for me." Too much of what? Too much of an opinion? She laughs too loudly? Stands too tall? Takes up too much space? What would be the right amount and not too much? She'd have to be less. That's what you are saying. You're saying BE LESS, if she's too much. You know what I think? I think she should not give a f*ck about what you think about her." ~ Quote by Mary Katherine Backstrom
All the Feels
Oh....does this give me all the feels inside. I have been told a lot of things over my life. That I am too loud, too opinionated, can't Biblically submit to my husband because I'm too "Type A." I have been told that no one will ever take me seriously because I ask questions or because my hair is pink (currently purple).
Over the course of the last 2 years, I have been told that because of those above traits that I am not a good mom and that I shouldn't raise my children. I should quiet down, conform, be SMALL, be LESS THAN, fit in, don't make waves, SHUT UP.
Shrinking
So, that is what I have done. I've stayed home. I have shrunk back, slept alot, eaten alot, cried alot, hid, allowed people to walk all over me, speak to me in ways I would never let them before, and so many other things.
I think when it truly hit me was when I was getting ready to go on a little day trip to see some family.
barefootfaithjourney.com/2021/12/07/quote-by-mary-katheri...
DAY 1: TAKING THE FIRST STEP
WHAT ARE YOU HOPING FOR IN THE JOURNEY AHEAD THIS MONTH?
As we begin this month of opening up to seeing ourselves with kindness through our cameras, what are you hoping for?
I went to sleep last night with an optimism that was crushed when I went to White Rock U-Lock to catch up on my storage locker payments. Grey fingerprint like swooshes on my black cane matched the cloudy sky above as I hobbled into their front office. Buried in my pocket, my left hand clenched my debit card & 10 $100 dollar bills. That cash, alongside a debit payment should have settled the debt, unlocking my online access so I could pay for my through year’s end. I greeted a lady at the front desk, explaining why I was there. She looked up my account, but it wasn’t there. Eventually she found 2 closed accounts: 1 for a small locker I had from 2008-‘13; & a larger one I’d had since ‘13.
“What do you mean closed?” I asked, my body beginning to shake with a trembling that flowed from my brain down along my spine & into my body like water being released from a damn. She said that my unit had been emptied on May 30, having been auctioned off earlier in the month. With that, my knees gave way as the soft wail of “No, no, no, no…” escaped my lips, melting into a sobbing as I hit the floor, curling into a kind of fetal position, aching all over, eventually hitting my face with my fists for how stupid I was. Tears stained my face when I realized my glasses had fallen off. As I picked them and myself off the floor I saw the left lens had popped out of the now broken frame. I desperately scanned the floor for the lens & soon found it. I then grabbed my debit card from the counter & pushed the cash towards the people on the other side, each piece taking flight & gently falling towards their desk & floor as I walked out. Fighting back more tears, I shouted out how I’d sue them all as I cobbled back to my SUV.
The last few weeks have been a struggle as I continue to battle my high blood sugar. My right arm has also been so stiff that I’ve had trouble picking things up, with pain trying to even grasp a pen to write. Yesterday, I took my blood sugar readings with a regularity my ADHD would be proud of: 17.6 mmol/L at 7am; 25.2 before lunch; 21.8 after it; 26.6 at 5pm; 13.7 at 8pm when I had dinner; then 18.4 at 10pm; & it’s hovered at 18 all day today. As I sit here looking at my phone, staring down at my legs, I wonder why I keep messing up.
I had been in touch over email with the location’s manager, an Abraham (Abe) Escobar, who for some reason I’ve always pictured as being a portly older gentleman with a big smile, a grey moustache, glasses, slightly balding with grey hair left on the sides & back of his head like a young Patrick Stewart. He was aware of my health issues that have had me at the hospital almost daily since mid-January. My account with them fell into trouble when I was tight on funds earlier this year. So, after 2 missed payments, White Rock U-Lock puts a hold on your access to their website payment portal. When I received funds again in April, I pleaded with them to release my online access, which they refused to do (what’s weirder is a demand letter from them sent to me by e-mail said payment could be made online). I clearly noted I was prepared to pay the entire outstanding amount, plus an amount that would carry me forward into next year. My last email to them was in May, the night I was in the hospital after collapsing in front of the police officers due to my blood sugar being over 25 mmol/L. I never got any final notification about my account being closed & my locker being sold. U-Lock has my cell number, my email, and my mailing address. I had received texts from them about paying, but never received any notification or calls that they were going to sell. My last text message from them was February 19, 2024.
I drove to Southpoint Exchange Mall, where I parked & broke down crying. I sent a few short video messages about the situation to a few friends. And I recalled everything I had in the locker: 4 steel shelves full of blank sketchbooks; boxes of unopened Star Wars Lego sets including a Millennium Falcon (which I was saving to build one day with my kid, should I ever be lucky enough to have one); dozens of new canvases of various sizes; an assortment of wood, plastic, and metal pieces saved for future sculptures; some old window frames I intended to use as the surface for future artworks; a tree sculpture made out of metal which I had made in Kent Anderson’s sculpture course (along with my ex-girlfriend’s large metal bird she had made in the same course); an old chair & table I’d used in an art installation; a few dozen election signs from various past elections which I had used in a series of installations in different parks and wanted to play with again one day; various costumes I’d used in performance art; a large Halloween skull; computer parts; tarps; framed photos I’d printed and used in different local art shows; several vintage typewriters I’d used in several installations; several slide projectors; several small monitors for displaying videos in exhibits; as well as styrofoam pieces I’d used in past sculptures (like the giant donut I made one year). I’m probably forgetting a lot, but there was easily over $10,000 worth of items in the locker: the basis for starting & maintaining a studio art career once I finished my degree. All pissed away because of my stroke, my depression, diabetes, and fucked up feet.
What would you love to feel in this experience?
I am desperate to feel positive again. It feels like whenever I get going again something knocks me back down. And having lost so many things this week, things that took me 16 years to collect, feels like I’ve taken a huge punch to my gut. It feels like some vulture swooped in a stole a huge part of my life, a huge part of who I want to be.
Are there certain types of selfies you hope to capture?
I want to continue experimenting with how I look at myself. I find I often get stuck in a sea of negativity. A sea of persistent negative thinking. And that’s reflected in how my selfies and written reflections I end up posting. I keep thinking of all I’ve lost, what was kept? What’s been trashed? Can I get it back?
IT CAN BE POWERFUL TO GIVE VOICE TO WHAT WE'RE NERVOUS OR FEARFUL OF TOO. WHAT FEARS OR WORRIES ARE ON YOUR MIND? By giving them space to be heard and knowing that they might come up again, it can help us begin to diffuse their power over us!
If I drank, I’d probably be doing that right now. But I don’t. All day since leaving the storage office my mind has desired to stuff my face with donuts from Hillcrest Bakery, chocolate bars from Thrifty Foods and London Drugs reached out towards me calling my name: “Steven, Steven - just one bite! Come on dude!” The image of myself in the front seat of my SUV tearing into a Reese Peanut Butter Cup and devouring all three so quickly passed through my mind, alongside the reading on my blood glucose meter ticking up higher and higher. But I resisted.
I don’t know what to do about the locker. A quick Google search revealed that the White Rock U-Lock earned over $4,000 from its auction, for a debt that would have been no more than $1,500. I’m terribly heartbroken, knowing I have to fight this somehow, but also having so much work to do at my place, my Mom’s and for the last few weeks of my condensed art history course. I’m terrified I’m going to fall into flight mode again, a slippery slope into depression that will probably result in me losing everything if I’m not careful.
(274/365).
This was originally posted on my Instagram.
#anxiety #depressed #depression #mentalhealth
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#sick #stroke #strokesurvivor #heartdisease #highbloodpressure #diabetes
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#selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #selfloveisnotselfish
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#feet #heels #scars
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#finearts #student #photography #selfie #subvertedselfies #writing #nonfiction #visualdiary #memoir #beyourownbeloved
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#WhiteRockULock #storage