You can see the pain in my laugh

Demons comin' back from the past

Feelin' like I'm 'bout to relapse

Voices in my head

All I can hear them say

Is, "Everyone wants me dead"

Bitch, I'm already dead

I've been dead for years

I've been taking medicine again

Henny, mix it with the Vicodin

All my sufferin'

Is really gettin' under my skin

Maybe I should try to pray again

Try to wash away my sins

I know that they not my friends

But I'm friends with the drugs again

Lost my heart, lost it all

So much drama, hold the applause

Shit's like a soap opera, straight downfalls

Nightmares on the cellphone, late-night calls

Lost my heart, lost it all

So much drama, hold the applause

No soap opera, straight downfalls

Listen to the nightmares call

You can see the pain in my laugh

Demons comin' back from the past

Feelin' like I'm 'bout to relapse

Voices in my head

All I can hear them say

Is, "Everyone wants me dead"

Bitch, I'm already dead

I've been dead for years

You can see the pain in my laugh

Demons comin' back from the past

Feelin' like I'm 'bout to relapse

Voices in my head

All I can hear them say

Is, "Everyone wants me dead"

Bitch, I'm already dead

I've been dead for years

Have you ever been so alone

That nobody's house feels like home?

I've been runnin' out of drugs and hope

I don't even got a plug no more

Have you ever been so alone?

That you don't know what to feel no more?

Ain't no reachin' for the pills no more

One more and you're on the floor

I know that I didn't stand a chance

I don't think I'll ever live again

I'm only here by popular demand

I'm stayin' alive for the fans

Lost my heart, lost it all

So much drama, hold the applause

No soap opera, straight downfalls

Listen to the nightmares call

You can see the pain in my laugh

Demons comin' back from the past

Feelin' like I'm 'bout to relapse

Voices in my head

All I can hear them say

Is, "Everyone wants me dead"

Bitch, I'm already dead

I've been dead for years

You can see the pain in my laugh

Demons comin' back from the past

Feelin' like I'm 'bout to relapse

Voices in my head

All I can hear them say

Is, "Everyone wants me dead"

Bitch, I'm already dead

I've been dead for years

www.youtube.com/watch?v=EAfckg0ORS4

So this project comes from a few different inspirations that culminated into something that consisted of about 100 1x12 Arch Bricks and a dream… okay well maybe not that second part, but you get the idea!

Way back in the golden days of Flickr, WompaStompa shared a really neat photo that blew my mind, featuring the (new at the time) Hazmat CMF fig fleeing a sewer monster covered in goo! It was super rad and I was just super impressed at the atmosphere they managed to convey with that one image. Along with it I remember Shannon Young posting a very similar post that also heavily inspired this project. Here are both of them if you wanna check it out. ...Man these posts are almost 10 years old now! ...I’ve been doing this for too long.

Wampa Stompa: flic.kr/p/9wLVUw

Shannon Young: flic.kr/p/5Whzdk

Anyway… out of some strange relapse in my memory, it those two photos popped into my head again and I thought to myself, “Hey, I wanna make that!”

So I did… kinda :P

Beside these old builds to inspire me, I’ve been really obsessing over Chris Samnee’s work with minimalism and how he expresses a baseline emotional response with his characters in his art. In my case, I wanted to take that idea and convey it in my own way.

So with that long tangent stated simply, I wanted to convey fear or stress within the confines of a small space while interpreting some other art I enjoy on the internet.

Boom.

***

Patreon: andrewcookston

Instagram: a.cookston.photography

Older photo.

Thought I'd post this, that it'd go nicely with my recovery posts.

"Set Free".

--------------------------------

For so long I was tied down in chains. Once in a while I'd start to loosen the chains away from my body- just enough to be able to move - slightly. And as soon as I'd do that... They'd tighten back up.. Each time they tightened, they would be tighter than the last time. Growing tighter and tighter with each and every attempt to escape them.

The chains are the grips of addiction.

Every time I would decide it was time to get better... Detox myself for a day or two. Change my mind-set and try to get help.. I'd go back. Each time I went back, was worse than the last. Especially because of the guilt!

Once a person feels what recovery is.. Their relapses will be so much more painful (emotionally) - (mentally)- and usually they go back deeper (physically) as well.

It gets very bad.

>>Right before this last time getting clean (November 15th, 2018) I had recently had 20 months (almost 2 years) clean. I was focused and talked the talk.. walked the walk.

However, I knew in my heart.. that I had somewhat of a "reservation" so they called it. I would purposely push it as far out of my mind as possible.. but it was always there.

So with that little 'reservation' in the back of my mind.. just a curiosity.. It wasn't a question of IF I was going to relapse, but WHEN.

So it happened.

& I went very hard.. for about 10 months. Until I was right back to the hell I was afraid to go to. (I just wanted to try it a couple more times.. I told myself.)

And immediately after trying it.. after about the 5th day.. I remembered WHY I stopped. However, by that point in time, it was ALREADY TOO LATE!

..So it continued. Until something inside of me, possibly it was the voice of God himself... showed me what was happening.. what was going to happen very soon (losing everything).. and he showed me that I was killing the man of my dreams. The best thing that had ever happened to me.

So that was that, and I decided to finally do it. And never go back.

______

You know, you might know someone who is in recovery. Or you, yourself may be in recovery.. but IF you have that in the back of your mind.. any type of thought or 'reservation' about going back... Then you really need to go figure out WHY this is happening. Perhaps get yourself a sponsor or talk about it ASAP.. Because Like I said, "It's not a question of IF you're going to relapse, it's WHEN.

..So with that thought in mind, if you ever feel like you may have that thought of doing it just one more time in the back of your mind... or you feel your mind down playing how bad it really was in the past... and how great you were at your job on drugs or alcohol.. then I'd say it's time to figure out WHY these thoughts are there, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE.

& I mean that from the BOTTOM OF MY HEART.

These freedom birds in my photo, are how I feel every single day when I wake up.. and every night I praise God & thank him for helping to give me that strength to do this!

I am so grateful to FINALLY be free. Physically, emotionally, mentally... I'm so thankful that I was able to forgive myself for the horrible mess that I made of my life..

And able to ask forgiveness from those people who loved me, and I hurt.

For the first time in my life, I am truly free.

No more thoughts of 'one more time'. No more 'reservations'. 1000% FREE

& For that, I thank GOD.

#RecoveryIsPossible .

____________________

◻◻◻◻◻◻◻◻◻◻◻◻◻◻◻

As I grow, I change.. As I go further - I am grateful. I grow more and more grateful every single day. I grow stronger mentally - day by day. I often forget that I am even 'doing something', because most of the time it is so far out of my mind.. *my addiction*. But of coarse things come and go thru my week and remind me... and I just find myself being extremely grateful, that when drugs come up- I am no longer triggered. So grateful.

>>I prayed very hard for a long time for God to relieve me of not only my addiction, but the cravings/thoughts. And he has. In time. I am at 2 & 1/2 years, and very grateful. Truthfully, I never thought I'd get this far.. - In fact, DURING my addiction, I wasn't sure if I was going to make it out alive. But someone up there was looking out for me, that is for sure. I did make it out alive. Alive, in recovery and THRIVING! Amen!

◻◻◻◻◻◻◻◻◻◻

>> I do my very best to TRY to be a good influence to others - either in active addiction, recovery (new or old) & sober people as well. I hope to even be an inspiration of sorts, to those who have a family or close friend in active addiction.. when they believe it's NOT possible & there is NO HOPE.. - I hope that they see me. I hope that they knew me before, or hear stories... The photos really won't do my demon of a past justice.. I hope that they can see ME.. My Transformation.. & know NOT to give up HOPE for their loved ones.. & know that it IS POSSIBLE- although most of the time it doesn't feel that way at all.

I know how hopeless it feels, because I lived it TO THE MAX for many years. I allowed addiction to tear everything out of my life.. [everything IMPORTANT to me that I LOVED.] & Addiction had it's hands on me SO HARD... that I just watched the things and PEOPLE whom I loved with all of my heart .. go away. & Told myself that because it hurt - that I should go double or triple up- my normal dose to numb it more.. So I didn't have to feel anything at all anymore. And that excuse to numb everything away again, would make my addiction even stronger. The drug would wrap it's hands around my neck even tighter, and to numb the truth - the nightmare that had become my life.. and everything in my life.. I would happily numb the pain *if I could feel anything at all*.. Just so I didn't have to feel.

_______________

◻>>> People REALLY NEED TO UNDERSTAND that in MOST cases - people who are addicted to drugs ARE SELF MEDICATING. [FOR SOME REASON!]

>>Now whether they're self medicating for a mental illness (either mild or big) & yes this includes depression and anxiety which most people have.. - MOST ADDICTS ARE self medicating for mental illness of some type .. *this type of therapy in a rehab setting would be called, ""CO-OCCURING" I believe.

... In the rehab facilities they are VERY aware of this & cater directly to co-occurring addictions. They help their patients to get medicated (the right way).. So they begin to feel normal - or as normal as possible.

[Keep in mind, that drug addiction REALLY takes a toll on the brain and the chemicals in the brain.. ] So it could take A VERY LONG TIME - Years even.. to fully regain your natural balance of chemicals to feel 'normal again' ... to be honest.. Some of us.. did permanent damage which we have to learn to live with, it isn't fixable. *raises hand*] <- but that doesn't mean all hope is lost. It means you might have to take a medications for a long time, or forever.. to help even the balance.. And learn HOW to help yourself to feel better.. & get better. But know it is possible. If I can do this.. ANYONE CAN! && I truly mean that, guys.

◻◻◻◻◻

>>>I often hear from people (when they see me in person usually), how absolutely PROUD & surprised they are with my transformation. Most of them will go on to explain how they watched me for years - homeless, wandering the streets - high- not even knowing where I was going or what I was doing- a bag of bones.. face picked to hell and full of scabs- dirty.. and they were all waiting to hear that I overdosed. My family was dreading that phone call, but almost knew it was coming, unfortunately. I believed this too.. that I would probably die soon. So I actually went as far as to tell my closest loved ones my wishes.. In case I die. On my facebook I set up a tribute person (my cousin/she's like my sister) in case I passed.. so she could run my facebook etc) - I didn't think I'd make it out alive.

- But I wanted sobriety more than anything. I envied those who had it. I envied those who went from where I was at, and got sober.. and couldn't quite figure out HOW they did it.. But they were a hero in my eyes.

>>These people have come up to me (even while I'm at work) to tell me HOW PROUD THEY ARE OF ME. How they didn't think I'd make it out.. How I'm a total different person & how I am an inspiration & how if I CAN DO IT - ANYONE CAN. etc

_____________________

>>

Which is why I write about my addiction.. and TRY MY BEST to explain it to others!

Because even if you are not an addict, it's important for you to understand... it's a disease. It's not as easy as to just put down the drug and quit.

Most will relapse.. Maybe 50 times or more. Most won't make it out alive.

It is a mental thing. A MENTAL DISEASE. The drug is just a symptom.

>>We have addictive personalities. And to fix this we require A LOT of therapy and personal reflection and work on OURSELVES.

When we have reached the point of wanting sobriety.. and truly wanting it.. THEN the hardest work comes in!

>>>We have to figure out WHY we're using.

>>>We have to do A LOT of self reflection and WORK ON OURSELVES.

We are ADDICTS. Even if we have quit the drug part.

We literally can and WILL get addicted to anything and everything! - So we have to be careful.

**Shopping. Sex. Relationships. FOOD. Cigarettes. *A different drug to substitute one for another, etc***

The list can go on and on... and on..

>>Which is why we REALLY must look at ourselves and stop ourselves.

>>We have to create limits and stick to them. And therapy is a must for many of us. I signed up and still go at least once a month to see a counselor. I've been seeing a counselor from this program SINCE I got sober 2 1/2 years ago- and I'm not stopping any time soon.

Groups are a very good way to keep MANY people sober (but not all of us). I love doing groups sometimes, but I prefer church, personally.

Why I wrote all of this.. is to help some of you have a better understanding of addiction. Even if you are not an addict.

>>You may know someone who is an addict.. And if you DON'T YET, I'd be VERY Surprised.. But it's still important for you to know this.. because if you don't.. YOU WILL.

I am proud of myself. I am growing and learning more and more every single day!

Like I said above, I feel like most days I don't even think about how I'm in recovery. But several times a week I am reminded.. And I feel gratitude immediately. I never want to forget what I went thru. I never want to stop talking about it.. I want to help. I want to help give others knowledge.. and/or inspiration.

& Even if you don't think you're an addict.. You very well could be. Denial is a huge part of it.

>>Prescriptions from your DOCTOR is where it ALL STARTED FOR ALL OF US. (I don't know statistics, but I'm almost positive that OVER 90% of addicts started with a doctor's prescription! Every single person that I met in recovery.. has the SAME STORY)

NOT ONE ADDICT can say that they woke up one day and said, "I want to be a homeless drug addict and live on the street, rob people and beg for change".

Sadly enough... most of them started with an injury or something and a doctor wrote them a prescription.. And because of their brain.. *THEIR BRAIN LOVED IT* & they have some type of addictive personality.. Their brain wanted more. & It ended badly.. for all of us.

Some of us were lucky enough to make it out alive. And only 2% of us who do make it out alive.. will REMAIN sober. I just pray every single day that I am going to remain one of those 2%! May God continue to give me the strength to remain sober.. & on the right path.

_______________

If any of you have any questions or what to reach out about addiction, feel free to message me privately at any time.

>>>Stay positive friends.

I care for you all, deeply!

♫ Jónsi- Tornado ( subtítulos en español ).♫

Instagram

CameraNikon D300

Exposure0.004 sec (1/250)

Aperturef/13.0

Focal Length14 mm

ISO Speed200

Model - Olivia

Alien Bees camera right through octobox at 1/16th power from 3 feet away.

Bounce card on camera right.

Alien Bees shoot through umbrella front of model aimed at the ground.

Be a ClockFace

life in relapse mode

[analog archival proj.]

www.flickr.com/gp/seorsa/QLV3e19y0G

©MadDreamer ©2👽23/ All rights reserved. Do not use without written permission from photographer.

The Dillinger Escape Plan, Halifax Pop Explosion 2015,

Olympic Hall Community Centre, Halifax, NS

G'day everyone! As I've studied and been more educated about Interior Design, I've come to understand and learn about what the main focus and strategy is,

behind Interior Design, or Architecture alone. Nature is very important,

it enhances the chemical of where the structure stands, you have to respect natures well being to then accomplish and create a building on mothers land. Once you've accomplished then you will be able to understand it's stance.

Interior Design is mostly inspired by Fashion, the skin complexion of the models

which stand upright, within the landscape, the two define each other and create a

storyline somehow, and usually the Designer will influence the Internals by bringing in the depths of the 'exterior'

such as landscape, but Fashion also allows an Interior Designer to grasp a space, like additional emotions, setting a mood for instincts.

A mid-dry grounds, with weeds of thorn bushes, and long grass, climbing up through the sand dunes, as the wind blows out, swooping down over the rocks,

and the distant town calling out, the red rock, the white sand, the crisp fresh, dry,

sounds of a nature taking its toll. The models stand free, with the wind relapsing itself, through

their hair, clothing with no branding or tagging, to be detached from the day to day routine, and to just connect with the mother nature.

The exterior of the structure was designed by myself, but with the help of a dear man, Thomaz Mulloy,

he was able to transform, the structure and make it into a high definition build with nice quality textures. The build wasn't inspired by anyone but nature,

it's wind protected, meaning the build stands tall at 8 meters high, it's shaped like an 'A' being a windbreaker at the front, protecting the front and back from

strong wind storms, but on peaceful days it looks rather beautiful, with its mighty strength standing but a simple structure to not blind and distract its purpose of being there.

As for the Interior of the space, I've really wanted to respect the exterior landscape by incorporating the Interior colour pallet to be flush, in materials, textures and of course the colour range that I have chosen. Warm soft off-whites,

with rusty worn leather accents, a minimal pattern with tribal print work. The structure is bare to a minimum with wooden features to nitpick from the exterior, to flow into the interior, with the pine and oak trimmings. Minimal greenery but gives the interior some life.

ALL IMAGES ARE RAW, WITHOUT EDITING -

Social media links -

Grandeur Decor website: www.grandeurdecorsl.com/

Grandeur Decor Facebook: www.facebook.com/Grandeur-decor-1302891386464008/

Follow me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/ZhaoiIntaglio

Relapse & Meshla

"take your hand away from mine

I could find much better ways for invest my time

back and forth is a game that we play and it always ends the same

and I'm getting sick and tired

so be on your way

relapse, react, collapse, flat-Line"......

(Take The Crown)

G'day everyone! As I've studied and been more educated about Interior Design, I've come to understand and learn about what the main focus and strategy is,

behind Interior Design, or Architecture alone. Nature is very important,

it enhances the chemical of where the structure stands, you have to respect natures well being to then accomplish and create a building on mothers land. Once you've accomplished then you will be able to understand it's stance.

Interior Design is mostly inspired by Fashion, the skin complexion of the models

which stand upright, within the landscape, the two define each other and create a

storyline somehow, and usually the Designer will influence the Internals by bringing in the depths of the 'exterior'

such as landscape, but Fashion also allows an Interior Designer to grasp a space, like additional emotions, setting a mood for instincts.

A mid-dry grounds, with weeds of thorn bushes, and long grass, climbing up through the sand dunes, as the wind blows out, swooping down over the rocks,

and the distant town calling out, the red rock, the white sand, the crisp fresh, dry,

sounds of a nature taking its toll. The models stand free, with the wind relapsing itself, through

their hair, clothing with no branding or tagging, to be detached from the day to day routine, and to just connect with the mother nature.

The exterior of the structure was designed by myself, but with the help of a dear man, Thomaz Mulloy,

he was able to transform, the structure and make it into a high definition build with nice quality textures. The build wasn't inspired by anyone but nature,

it's wind protected, meaning the build stands tall at 8 meters high, it's shaped like an 'A' being a windbreaker at the front, protecting the front and back from

strong wind storms, but on peaceful days it looks rather beautiful, with its mighty strength standing but a simple structure to not blind and distract its purpose of being there.

As for the Interior of the space, I've really wanted to respect the exterior landscape by incorporating the Interior colour pallet to be flush, in materials, textures and of course the colour range that I have chosen. Warm soft off-whites,

with rusty worn leather accents, a minimal pattern with tribal print work. The structure is bare to a minimum with wooden features to nitpick from the exterior, to flow into the interior, with the pine and oak trimmings. Minimal greenery but gives the interior some life.

ALL IMAGES ARE RAW, WITHOUT EDITING -

Social media links -

Grandeur Decor website: www.grandeurdecorsl.com/

Grandeur Decor Facebook: www.facebook.com/Grandeur-decor-1302891386464008/

Follow me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/ZhaoiIntaglio

Pica had a little relapse and again was feeling punk. She cries baby tears when her tummy hurts. Poor little sweetheart. Changing her food was just a nightmare.

365/78

13/52 52weeksfordogs

***copyright image all rights reserved

I am a snooping addict who has relapsed/ soy una adicta a husmear que ha recaído.

underwater snooping/ husmeada debajo del agua

** Thank you so much to **

YOSHI EYES

@ Harajuku | YOSHI Jin Set | Jin Eyes: 299LS | Jin BOM Eyeliner: 75LS | Jin Lashes: 299LS | Fatpack : 399LS | Release date : 20th Feb 2024 | maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Intimacy/92/97/2514

More creations here:

maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/Full%20Throttle/223/96/1182

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Wicca's Originals - Luna Faceart

Find these and more here:

maps.secondlife.com/secondlife/New/50/112/21

Thank you so much in advance my dear friends for the faves, awards and comments. Forgive me if I cant respond sometimes. For sure and 100% I read all your comments and always so grateful for it. Take care my sweet friends. Hugs to all 💞

G'day everyone! As I've studied and been more educated about Interior Design, I've come to understand and learn about what the main focus and strategy is,

behind Interior Design, or Architecture alone. Nature is very important,

it enhances the chemical of where the structure stands, you have to respect natures well being to then accomplish and create a building on mothers land. Once you've accomplished then you will be able to understand it's stance.

Interior Design is mostly inspired by Fashion, the skin complexion of the models

which stand upright, within the landscape, the two define each other and create a

storyline somehow, and usually the Designer will influence the Internals by bringing in the depths of the 'exterior'

such as landscape, but Fashion also allows an Interior Designer to grasp a space, like additional emotions, setting a mood for instincts.

A mid-dry grounds, with weeds of thorn bushes, and long grass, climbing up through the sand dunes, as the wind blows out, swooping down over the rocks,

and the distant town calling out, the red rock, the white sand, the crisp fresh, dry,

sounds of a nature taking its toll. The models stand free, with the wind relapsing itself, through

their hair, clothing with no branding or tagging, to be detached from the day to day routine, and to just connect with the mother nature.

The exterior of the structure was designed by myself, but with the help of a dear man, Thomaz Mulloy,

he was able to transform, the structure and make it into a high definition build with nice quality textures. The build wasn't inspired by anyone but nature,

it's wind protected, meaning the build stands tall at 8 meters high, it's shaped like an 'A' being a windbreaker at the front, protecting the front and back from

strong wind storms, but on peaceful days it looks rather beautiful, with its mighty strength standing but a simple structure to not blind and distract its purpose of being there.

As for the Interior of the space, I've really wanted to respect the exterior landscape by incorporating the Interior colour pallet to be flush, in materials, textures and of course the colour range that I have chosen. Warm soft off-whites,

with rusty worn leather accents, a minimal pattern with tribal print work. The structure is bare to a minimum with wooden features to nitpick from the exterior, to flow into the interior, with the pine and oak trimmings. Minimal greenery but gives the interior some life.

ALL IMAGES ARE RAW, WITHOUT EDITING -

Social media links -

Grandeur Decor website: www.grandeurdecorsl.com/

Grandeur Decor Facebook: www.facebook.com/Grandeur-decor-1302891386464008/

Follow me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/ZhaoiIntaglio

Greg Puciato & Ben Weinman, The Dillinger Escape Plan, Halifax Pop Explosion 2015,

Olympic Hall Community Centre, Halifax, NS

The last rolls series of 124G

Negative Scanned - Epson V700

Yashica 124G

Kodak Pro 160 Ektacolor

Office plankton is a term borrowed from contemporary Russian literature. It is represented here (if that is permissible) by myself. We have to dig a little bit deeper if we want to understand why intelligent and modern Russians are in support of what is to others a criminal regime and now attacking Ukraine. In my view, there is a clear failure of Russian public culture to create a post-communist identity fit for living peacefully in a multi-polar world. Putinism and the relapse into a pre-modern type of Orthodox Christianity are surrogates for what is missing.

All white Gucci suit, I'm feeling righteous, yeah

I know that the truth is hard to digest, yeah

Five or six pills in my right hand, yeah

Codeine runneth over on my nightstand

Taking medicine to fix all of the damage

My anxiety the size of a planet, oh

Holes in my skull, over time

My heart's over ice

Over ice, I'm freezing

Beautiful eyes, deceiving

We may die this evening

Coughing, wheezing, bleeding

High, I'm an anxious soul

Blood moons are my eyes, stay low

Red and black, they glow

Under attack, in my soul

When it's my time, I'll know

Never seen a hell so cold

Yeah, we'll make it out, I know

We'll run right through the flames, let's go

All white Gucci suit, I'm feeling righteous, yeah

I know that the truth is hard to digest, yeah

Five or six pills in my right hand, yeah

Codeine runneth over on my nightstand

Taking medicine to fix all of the damage

My anxiety the size of a planet, oh

Holes in my skull, over time

My heart's over ice,

I'm in too deep

Can't swim like me

We're drowning, so I will see

My demons ten feet under me

Inhale, exhale, but I can't breathe

Too busy drinking codeine doing high speeds

Crash, pour a four, sip it slow, make the time pass

Take a pill for the thrill, have a relapse

Devil in my head tryna run gym laps

I ain't tryna race, he don't even know me like that

All white Gucci suit, I'm feeling righteous

I know that the truth is hard to digest

Five or six pills in my right hand

Codeine runneth over on my nightstand

Taking medicine to fix all of the damage

My anxiety the size of a planet, oh

Holes in my skull, over time

My heart's over ice

www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZengOKCUBHo

ADDICTION

The Future Awaits... Beyond These Gates...

______________________

Yes, I am aware that THIS is a totally different type of style of photography than you're used to from me. When I do something different I'm almost hesitant to post it.. However since it's Friday & I know that I'm a member of the group "Happy Fence Friday". I figured I'd post it.

______

LOCATION: Mays Landing, New Jersey (Atlantic County), USA. Church.. & Cemetery. (I forget the name.. )

_____________________

The title here, "The Future Awaits.. Beyond these gates.." is in reference to my post today.

>> As MOST of you should already know, I am in recovery. I go out of my way to make the truth about who I am.. as available as possible..To show those who need to see/hear it.. that it IS POSSIBLE.

..I am often seen in public and people who knew me before are speechless. They say they barely recognize me. How great I look. How proud of me they are.. etc. And I'm not going to lie, it's an amazing feeling hearing that from people.

>> I am telling you all this because another thing they say is"IF YOU CAN DO IT , JESS, ANYONE CAN!!!

& I do feel that is true.

But like I've said many times, and I'll continue to say it, people will NOT get better, until THEY'RE READY

>>Nobody will get better for you, so please stop putting all of your energy into trying to fix them. You're only hurting yourself and enabling them (probably). No matter how much you mean to them, seriously, most likely they will take advantage of that unconditional love.. and suck you dry.

>>Nobody is going to change for their kids either. Some people believe that if they have a baby in recovery, the baby is going to keep them sober.

VERY BAD IDEA!!

Because if you think that you need something to keep you sober, you're probably going to go back.. and even worse ( you're going to bring an innocent child into this hell that you live in. & that is NOT fair to the child, very selfish.. and irresponsible.

>>Sadly, of those of us who go into recovery, ONLY 1% will STAY SOBER..

To be honest, I didn't believe that when I was in treatment. I looked around at all of these girls.. and they were doing so good. They wanted recovery SO BAD. They were like, the "star person" in recovery. All of the people in charge loved them and had so much faith in them getting better.

I did too. I believed they would succeed and that the "1% success rate" was a flat out mistake.

.... and boy was I wrong. 1% is the truth.

I try my best NOT to judge people, and I really don't for the most part. However, not even realizing it, in recovery I was -unintentionally was judging all of those people that I met. I was looking at them at thinking either : A) Wow she's doing SO GOOD! She's going to be part of that 1%, I just know it! She talks the talk, and I know she'll walk the walk. She's going to do so well. I'm so proud of her! & I ended up.. being totally wrong. Maybe a month after she was released.. or 2 years after she was released.. I watched almost 45% of the girls I was in treatment with... DIE!

&& Then the other girls.. I thought were definitely going to relapse immediately upon release..THOSE GIRLS are DOING AMAZING! Still.. about 4+ years later!!

I remember my counselor saying, "You really never know.. It's usually the opposite that you think. You never know.. & I doubted what she said.

I figured I had a good idea.. of who was going to do good & not.

She was right. I was way off.

_________________

>>>Addiction & relapse will end in either jail (if they're lucky).. a program (2nd chance! great opportunity) OR death .

_____

My heart aches for all of these amazing women (& men) that I have met over the years..[& their families] - who we have lost to death . To those who have finally lost the fight in addiction.

💔💔

What most people DON'T UNDERSTAND about ADDICTION is: Addiction is a mental/emotional issue. The DRUG is JUST A SYMPTOM.

>>For some people that might be hard to comprehend..

But it's the truth. People (including myself & many of my friends), we have underlying mental/emotional/behavioral issues.. and an "addictive personality". We get addicted to everything, and we can get addicted to ANYTHING.

We have to figure out what the underlying issues are.. Find ourselves, basically. And that is something even sober people can benefit from.

There are MANY SOBER PEOPLE who suffer from the same issue.. but haven't gotten addicted to using drugs (praise God!!) - but they're addicted to other things.

It's important to find healthy addictions or obsessions. Like mine is photography. Sweets (that I need to work on). Cigarettes (very hard to quit).. And Speaking out and telling my story about recovery. (very healthy and important thing to get addicted/obsessed with.

Maybe my story will save a life.. or give someone hope/inspiration/motivation to get clean or seek help.

Admitting that you have a problem is REALLY the FIRST STEP. :)

Recovery IS possible. And I AM PROOF.

Relapse Page 1

(1 in a multiple picture album)

Mother Nature was well on her way to melting the ice on Twin Lakes when she had a relapse and dropped some snow in May. The conditions at sunrise that morning made for a deep cobalt blue in the water which was enhanced by the nearly transparent 'angel wings' clouds in the sky above.

♫ Leonard Cohen-Avalanche (subtítulos en español).♫

Instagram

15 months after being brutally beaten by the man she loved, we got to have a visit together. Jennifer is much happier and much healthier but still has a long way to go to completely healing, if completely healing is ever attainable for any victims of domestic abuse. We talked about her relapse in communicating with him, her steps in therapy, and how we both agreed that had she went back to him, she would have never survived being quarantined during the pandemic with him.

digital art 2012

♫ The Broken Circle Breakdown Bluegrass Band - Wayfaring Stranger.♫

Instagram

This photo is for those of you who follow my Flickr. Those of you who read about my photo's

,you read my feelings & thoughts.. (I guess my Flickr is my blog!)

...You all often hear me talk about Juan.

This is Juan.

Juan is my best friend. My partner. My other half. My co-pilot. My supporter and my number one fan!

He is the one who taught me how to love myself.. and showed me my worth. He is the one who never ever would let me go back to those horrible depths of wrong- that I was in. Although, for a moment there I kind of brought him down..He never left my side. Even though he told me how much he didn't want to be there. (where we were at)

And I listened. But addiction is a horrible thing.. and even though you hear things, they don't matter, most of the time. But, HE MATTERED. So what he said to me really sat with me.

BELOW, HOW I GOT SOBER, AGAIN.

....

One day (in the first week of November 2018) when I was going down fast & about to end up losing it all again.. I looked at him. He was laying there in our bed, so thin and frail. And I loved him so much. I was so depressed because addiction had taken over my life again. I had recently started a new job.. but that wasn't going to get me anywhere in addiction.. I knew I'd lose that soon too. My home was recently purchased and we were about to get kicked out if we couldn't come up with rent. Our electric, gas, water.. it was all about to get shut off. And, I looked at him. There he was. Still by my side.. Suffering, but not letting me go down alone.

& GOD OPENED MY EYES, ALL THE WAY.

God showed me the man who searched for me for years... A great friend who was worried about me.. and found me finally in jail. He wrote me a letter.. He came to visit. He put money on the phone so we could talk. And he put money on my books so I could buy stuff. He was always a great friend to me, I often would refer to him as my best friend. (Before the jail).. (before we lost touch).

He stayed with me.. supported me thru 4 months in jail, 6 months in in-patient rehab, 3 months in a halfway house.. & after words.. he brought me to live with him. He had 7 years clean when he brought me home. But, yes he did drink sometimes. He offered me a sip of his long island iced tea.. & it was a rap for me.. (in my mental). I had already relapsed in my head.. and probably even before I got out. Because in my mind I did still fantasize about using meth 1-2 more times when I got out.. That right there is a relapse. A "reservation". And that is a big NO-NO. If you have those, you will relapse at some point. It's not a matter of IF but WHEN.

ANYWAY, The day I looked at him laying there in our bed.. He looked like he may die soon. He looked much worse than me. He was so thin and frail, so fragile in my eyes. He's quite a bit older than I am.. and I just turned 34 and just got 2 years clean.. and I am TOO OLD to be doing those hard drugs.. My heart has already had enough. So, I knew.. this was going to kill him.

Not to mention the fact that he had high blood pressure and hardly took his medications.. and I was stuck on both heroin and speed at this point. But speed (meth) was my favorite. Yes, IV use. Needles.

So, it was at THAT EXACT MOMENT when God took me by the shoulders and shook me.

GOD SHOWED ME THE MAN I LOVED, THE MAN WHO LOVED ME. THE MAN WHO ALWAYS SUPPORTED ME. A TRUE FRIEND. A GREAT MAN.

..... AND I WAS KILLING HIM!!!

>>>>>>> It was at that moment that I decided, I'm done. We're done. I'm not going to kill him. I don't want to die either. (Although in the depths of addiction, even right before that moment .. I did want to.I just wanted all of that pain and suffering to end.)

I told Juan, "We're Done. We're going to get better".

& We did.

This man loves me. He would do anything for me. He stood by me, and I brought him down. I pulled him back into the depths of hell.. the same ones that he had already crawled out of before that..

When we met MANY years ago.. we were both using. And I watched him decide to get sober.. and I didn't. And I was so proud of him.. envied him. Wondered HOW he did it.. Wished I could. I wished he could rescue me.. but at that moment, I wasn't ready.. so it would have never worked out.

He always loved me. He always was my best friend.

And I love him so much.

I am so grateful for everything that we went thru, because if we didn't experience THAT we wouldn't know how truly blessed we are today.

We're grateful every day.. for a roof over our heads. Our bills paid. Our warmth and nice hot showers. Our clothes. Our food. The fact that if we want to buy something, we can. It's a blessing.. and for that I am so grateful.

We couldn't have done any of this without GOD.

He gave us the strength. We prayed everyday to help us.. to make the cravings stop.. help us to stop being sick (we were very sick, all of the time - without drugs). God helped us. And we helped us. God can't do it all, you need to put forth an effort.. and meet him half way. But he defiantly stuck to his end of the bargain! He gave us the strength.

Today we are so grateful. Clean. Happy. and In LOVE. And he is the man who searched for me.. rescued me.. and never left my side.

Juan is the best man who ever happened to me. The best male friend I've ever had. He's my partner. We plan on getting married in the near future, hopefully after covid-19. And I'm 100% certain that this is the right decision.. because there is no one else, nothing in the world that I could ever want more.. than Juan.

We always remember to pray. We put GOD FIRST, each other second... & That's the way it's supposed to be.. Amen

I discovered this in a door way today while I was out for a walk.....I wouldn't have been happy if I lived there but it certainly made me look......and think of Eminem's album!!

I went with a little different processing on this one than what I've been doing recently. The reason I chose to keep the red was that it just didn't seem to pop as much when it was just black and white plus it looks a bit more crazy with the red!!

Post done in Lightroom 3. I dropped the saturation and luminance to give it a darker look. Contrast also increased.

Camera: Canon EOS 400D

Lens: Canon 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6

Focal Length: 51mm

Aperture: f/5.6

Exposure: 1/200

ISO: 100

life in relapse mode

[analog archival proj.]

www.flickr.com/gp/seorsa/QLV3e19y0G

©MadDreamer ©2👽23/ All rights reserved. Do not use without written permission from photographer.

i tought i was done with all the filter vintage effect... relapse!

......siken

2014-03-03-eranthus

Picking up again, after a bit of a relapse - very frustrating.

via Instagram ift.tt/2iXH3Bp

Fully relapsed into backlit reed photos

I got bored today. ._.

Original

On deviantArt too

wakefield street photography, candid portraits in the rain

Where is it that this morning takes you

With your shape that is consumed by rain

Your silhouette that keeps on falling through

Your restless shadow never still upon the plane

You are drifting through these empty streets

With a face unseen amongst these crowds

Your music is for anyone with heartbeats

But Those sentiments are always disallowed

You are the stranger with a face upon the glass

You look heavy in your everyday disguise

With an empty smile for everyone you pass

An unknown soldier hiding beneath cyan skies

It's as if the words have all elapsed

And you just keep walking through the smoke

You wanna change it but your all relapsed

You earn the world but you're still broke

They never even know your name

Your just a whisper on these cardboard streets

You lose it all and still proclaim

It's all just history that plays and then repeats

relapse.

D9000 Royal Scots Grey was employed on a private charter from Kings Cross to Alnmouth and Edinburgh on April 21st 2023, 1Z55 seen passing through Cramlington running 102 minutes late. Unfortunately the Deltic suffered from a power unit problem followed by a coolant leak.

» www.myspace.com/genghistron

» If you use some pics (websites, communauties and blogs uses only), please credit them as www.le-hiboo.com.

» for other supports (press), please email : rod [ at ] le-hiboo.com

Notes One of the best bands / shows of the first day. It was incredible. Orgasmic set !

Uploaded with the Flock Browser

♫ Graham Coxon - Fly Away ( lyrics).♫

Instagram

D down in hometown, Liz loves me back, hlm deployment (mother dismayed,) T-BOX busted, borracho bitter reproach, hair bird hate mail, urchin gone south, the eagle suffers, lunchbox belligerent blight, pop relapse irregular regression, John in jail, Tommy nuclear in Pittsburgh.

-- It's overwhelming--

Warning - if you knew this dog you should consider not reading the story

This is a picture of my pup. We got him in 1997, big headed fluff ball. We raised him for Canine Companions for Independence (greatest program ever!!). At the end of 2 years he went off to advanced training.. tough to see him go but we did. 3 months later he was home... didn't separate from us well and so he was pet. He was there in good days and bad as dog are but there was something special about this one. I cant put my finger on it but there was something that most folks that ever got to know him understood.

About 4 years ago he started to have a bladder issue which I thought was a slight infection so I took him in for antibiotics and cranberry juice (or the canine equivalent), 2 hours later they were pulling an abdominal tumor the size of a grapefruit from the wall of his bladder. The vet said that he thought he got it but when the biopsy came back it showed a combination of some of the most aggressive kinds of cancer known. Ultimately the vet gave him 6 months to live. 3 Years later he just didn't seem like himself, I took him in for what I knew was a relapse. We agreed that he would let us know when it was time... and he did. 1 Year ago today. To this day I still cant have a serious conversation about it... 327

Explore Front Page - high position of #4

"I remember I was just a few days shy of 16 when I had my first nervous breakdown. It was honestly the scariest thing that I had ever experienced. At my lowest point I can recall finding myself in my bathroom, a bottle of painkillers in my hand, tears streaming down my face. I looked at myself in the mirror and it was almost as if I'd never seen myself before, and I can remember thinking to myself "What are you doing? Why are you like this? Why can't you just be normal? You're only 16. This isn't right". That's when I realised that something was severely wrong. I put the pills down and walked into my mother's bedroom, and I remember seeing my own pain reflected in her eyes when she saw the state that I was in. I told her I needed help and she hugged me for the first time in years, and for the first time since I was 11 I felt as if I actually had a mother. What followed that was months of psychology sessions, where I'd see my psychologist once or twice a week depending on how bad I was that particular week. Through my sessions with her she helped teach me how to cope with these emotions whenever I felt them instead of bottling them up like I had for years. Music, drawing, poetry, creation. Creating art. These were the things that have kept and continue to keep me going through my low moments. It's been three and a half years since all of this occurred, and within those three and a half years I've only experienced one relapse. At this point in my life I can honestly say that I'm happy. I'm still young, I'm still going to continue to learn about life and about myself, I'm always going to experience these low moments from time to time, but I know now that I'm strong enough to make it through anything that life has to offer."- A human of SL

life in relapse mode

[analog archival proj.]

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©MadDreamer ©2👽23/ All rights reserved. Do not use without written permission from photographer.

life in relapse mode

[analog archival proj.]

www.flickr.com/gp/seorsa/QLV3e19y0G

©MadDreamer ©2👽23/ All rights reserved. Do not use without written permission from photographer.