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After conquering Gaul, Caesar returned home with a souvenir trinket. But he doesn't understand the celebrations surrounding Bastille Day on July 14. “In my day,” he says, “we didn’t put criminals in a place where their rioting friends could bust them out of prison to then turn against their rulers. Instead, we chained them to the oars in the galleys where the only possible escape was death by drowning when their ship sank in battle. That way they were made to serve their emperor (and had a strong incentive for his success) rather than remaining a threat to him as they idly wiled away the hours plotting revolution.”