View allAll Photos Tagged Selfimage
I saw a similar image on photoextremist.com and had been wanting to try to duplicate it. I figured today's Daily Shoot challenge,
Make a photograph that emphasizes the dark tones,
would be a good excuse to give it a try.
Processed in Photoshop, with initial raw conversion and extra grungy-ness done in Lightroom.
Strobist: Canon 430EX, 1/8 power, bare, on-axis, well above camera. Triggered with Cactus remote.
Falling, falling, falling, falling down. Look yourself in the eye before you drown. -Emily Saliers
This is the first photo of hopefully many. For a long time, I have really struggled with self-image issues. It has gotten to the point where it is all I think about.
Posting photos like this make me nervous, but I'm going to do it anyway. This photo, as well as others throughout the year, will be put in a set. This will chronicle my life and my transformation from something I loathe into, hopefully, something I love.
- Joseph Arthur, In the Sun
**Explored**
It's gloomy out today. Not quite raining, but dark enough to ruin any hope of a natural light shot. So I had to play around with ghetto bathroom lighting again. Fun stuff. This shot is for one of the weekly challenge songs selected by Daynna for Musically Challenged.
I've been having some major self-image issues lately. I'm not saying that to fish for compliments. I know that my friends will always tell me I'm cute and that it's what's inside that matters most. And I love you all for that. But sometimes, despite this 365, I just feel like I spend so much time hiding myself. Even in my pictures, I show what I want to show. It's no more reality than a movie or magazine ad. I think I've spent my whole life worrying about how others see me. And that realization is disconcerting and uncomfortable right now.
365 Days (self portraits): Day 232
Musically Challenged: Joseph Arthur - In the Sun
a self-portrait set in a totally nonexistent environment. this was an experiment and is mostly enthusiasm, mixed with haste. I'm the laziest masker in the world, but aside from that I think it's a good start. Really I just wanted to practice the lighting and shadows, which are pretty hard.
oh, yeah, I forgot: some stock photos (the frames, the couch) from Morguefile. Morguefile rocks.
- did someone 'share' this on tumblr or something? im just wondering why it has so many more views in comparision to my other pictures on here! If you would message me how you came across this photo I'd actually appreciate that alot! -
Sunday >>>>>
15/335
Today was lazy! I woke up, did hw/ napped /ate /watched tv /went on the computer, until 6 I went to target with my friend Heidi. I got this sports bra, a tshirt, and Valentine cards. Every year my parents bought my supplies to make my own instead, and so I feel weird having this cheap little paper cards with dumb cartoons and sayings on them now. Like I'm cheating.
>>>>>
But anyway I took this picture to focus on something else: FLAWS. Everyone has flaws as well as things they love about their body and personality! But it's only the personality we pick, and not our bodies. And I truley, actually, for real belive that everyone's _BODY_ is beatiful if they take care of it; hygiene, eat healthy, excersise, watch their face, etc. I think if you do that that, your beautiful. If everyone had thin legs, big boobs, was tall, long eye lashes and a small nose, ears that didnt poof out and teeth with no gaps, wouldnt we all be boring? People say "your gap makes you YOU" or whatever, but I wish people just knew that and didn't think of it in a negative way at all! I wish we didn't have to compare ourselves to eachother so much. I have, and I still do. One of my resolutions was to compare myself less, and I've really stuck with that so far. So I'm trying not to think of my "flaws" as flaws.
For example, this picture. I hate wearing sports bras because I have... very little to fill it? To phrase it like that. And I've always hated that! Other girls show off their cleavage, and the guys stare at it, girls brag about going up a size, they wear tight shirts, etc. I've always been self concious of it. But this picture shows I'm trying to change my outlook on that, there's nothing I can do about it, and if anything, it means I know that a guy will like my for my _personality_. Even celebrities like Kate Hudson share the same "flaw" as myself.
What's your "flaw"? What's something you love?
I love my stomach. I like my height, I'm 5' 7". I like how i see further into people, like I can pick up their feelings/thoughts easier. I feel intune with people. I like that I have found people I can tottaly be myself around- laughing til I pee, being so open; this shows I really don't have to change anything about myself.
An unusual "flaw" i love on other people is a gap in their front teeth. I find it adorable! If I had one, I would tottaly embrace that.
check out www.seventeen.com/health/tips/body-peace-pledge or many other websites if you feel self concious and have trouble getting over it.
Wow that was REALLY long. You don't have to read it all obviously but I'm intrested in knowing if you do.
"The body may be the home of the soul and the pathway of the spirit, but it is also the perversity, the stubborn resistance, the malign contagion of the material world. Having a body, being in the body, is like being roped to a sick cat."
margaret atwood
Though the ugly duckling of Hans Christian Andersen grew up to be a beautiful swan, he never forgot the suffering of his childhood.
We're here visiting Fairy Tales
I am calling this photo Self-Image for two reasons: one, this is a photo of me when I was around the age of 12; two, I would like to talk about self-image, and self-esteem.
I’ve been meaning to write about self-image for so long but I didn’t know what photo will relate better to the topic. However, when I saw this photo I knew it was the one…and the only one that will allow my thoughts to flow freely. Actually I kept putting the topic off and even now I had to pray to give justice to the topic in my simple words, and I am actually listening to my favourite classical piece to help me put my thoughts into order. (By the way, the name of the music is: Giuseppe Tornatore Suite: Looking for You (Love Theme) from Cinema Paradiso –music by Ennio Morricone and played by Yo-Yo Ma.)
This photo of me was taken about a year before I had trich, and it is pretty much the only photo of me that I really like. I’ve always thought that I liked it because it was taken before trichotillomania showed its effects on my looks, but recently God is revealing to me that is not entirely true, even though trich pretty much erases a person’s self-esteem.
I had a very dear friend who struggles with self-image and self-acceptance which made me reflect on my own self-image, that reflection brought to my mind little incidents here and there that happened many years ago that I believe made me see myself differently than God sees me.
At the age of 13 I went to communion classes because the church my family belonged too required children take their first communion around that age. This happened of course over 10 years ago and that was back home. The nuns paired every boy with a girl for the communion ceremony. The girl they assigned me was beautiful. However, I am usually very shy and introvert by nature so I don’t ever remembering saying a word to her, but I could tell that she didn’t want to talk to me. Please, don’t get me wrong, I am not talking here about sexual attraction or anything like that. I am talking about when I was 13 years old and have no idea what is going on in the world around me. Anyway, when the final ceremony arrived I was placed to the end with another girl, and she was paired with another boy who was quite popular and whose family members are well pretty much ran the church.
I remembered this incident only last year, even though I doubt it ever left me completely. I believe the feeling of rejecting was so deep instilled in me after that.
And it wasn’t until today that I realized why I like this photo and not the other ones. You see, when my dad took me to get me a passport he left me where we were processing the application and went a few meters away to get something else done. When the lady who was processing my application saw me, or saw my photo, she said something to the like that I am a very handsome boy with a very friendly tone. That was probably the only time I believed someone really meant what they said about me in a positive way.
I am by no means saying that everybody else was lying to me, but deep inside I refused to believe that people loved me or thought I was handsome, smart, or anything to that effect. The reason why is simple: I enjoyed feeling pity for myself. Yes, as hard as it sounds it is true, and I believe anyone who is honest with oneself will have to admit that they somehow choose to feel bad for themselves. God showed me over a period of time that I loved feeling wronged and being the victim. And I realized that He is right--well He is always right--otherwise I wouldn't have entertained the thoughts that kept me down emotionally.
The church in my country is as far away from what a church should be like as I have seen. I actually didn’t accept Jesus until I rejected their Jesus! And I didn’t realize I needed Him until I realized that I am not a Christian and that what they teach is pretty much have nothing to do with truth of the Bible or the work of the Holy Spirit. (You actually listen to sermons in a language you don’t understand, and the Holy Spirit is never mentioned.) One of the things they did not teach directly but pretty much instilled in “Christians” is that to have low self-esteem is to be humble! So when a couple of years ago I read The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis and he said something to the like that Satan…
Makes young boys believe that to have low self-esteem is actually to be humble,
And girls to believe that feeling ugly is actually self humility.
Needless to say when I read this I could not believe it! I mean I knew that my concept of humility is very much distorted but I had never realized how deep within me it was instilled!
I am very introvert by nature. My grandfather was very introvert and I am very much like him. I remember refusing taking photos as young as age 5. I actually have photos of me covering my face as young as that. I don’t know why I always saw myself this way. I mean it is obviously something that started very early on.
One reason could be that the culture I grew up in an eastern culture where everyone is compared to everybody. Of course, now I don’t compare myself to others anymore, but you can’t make people stop comparing you. Especially parents when they compare two siblings to each other. I don’t think parents know the life long damage they do when they say something so un-Christ like. And not only the one who is put down suffers, but the other sibling too. I don’t know of any sibling who truly desires one’s brother and sister be put down by being compared to them!
However, now when I see someone sitting alone, or not talking to anybody I go and talk to them. Even though I am introvert by nature I do realize that others need someone reach out to them like Christ reached out to me. So I always find it more fulfilling to talk with one person who needs someone to talk to him or her, rather than talk to someone who has a ton of friends.
I am also very funny by nature. I believe this helps people want to be around me and enjoy my company. I don’t joke online because you never know how the joke will be taken by being read!
Another experience that affected me a lot is leaving my home country. You see I loved living there and I didn’t want to come to Canada, and my parents never talked to me about how I felt about leaving. And my parents are educated people, but as a friend once told me, “Education does not make a person better, it just give him or her the necessary knowledge to have a career.” Truer words have not been spoken.
I actually can still remember the last few steps I took as we were leaving our home. I remember looking at the fig tree to the left of the outer door and thinking that I will never see it again! It was dear to me because it was the first thing that greeted me when I came home, and so to me seeing it meant I was at home. I had so many friends then and I lost them all in one day. Many I never got the chance to say good-by to. Until today, eight years later, I still haven’t recovered from it. I don’t have any friends today except Jesus. There are people who I meet daily because of circumstance putting us in a common place, but as far as friends go I don’t have any. It is not that bad if you have Jesus in your life, but that should not be an excuse to live a sheltered life. God created us for each other, and to live otherwise is to say, “Thanks for the advice, but I will do it my way.” Believe it or not: I don’t know one single Christian who I can talk to. I am not blaming other Christians; as I noted above the problem is mine not others.
Last year I went through the biggest blow to my self-esteem. So one day when I was on the bus coming home I saw a young couple together. She was holding his hand like he was going to fly away if she eased her grip on him, and I thought to myself, “WOW! She loves him!” Immediately, I sensed God asking me, “Why do you always say that?” And so I thought to myself and reflected back and realized He is right: every time I see a couple I think, “She loves him.” Right there on the bus God showed me how deep inside of me this feeling of being unworthy is. That’s when I had to make a choice: renew my mind according to God’s word, or pretty much live a miserable ordinary life.
Another thing the Holy Spirit brought to my attention, and is working on, was that when someone wronged me and came to say sorry, I always answered with, “It’s ok.” Now, from the person’s perspective it sounded like, “No harm is done”, but that was certainly not the motivation behind me saying that. What “it’s ok” really meant to me deep inside was: I am unworthy of good treatment anyway, so it’s ok if you wrong me or hurt my feelings. This was brought to my attention particularly after a time when a friend apologized for hurting my feelings and I found myself saying, “It’s ok…it’s just me.”
I am going to be very honest here. Sometimes when you go to God because you need a physical healing or need freedom from the power of a certain thing God does it in a supernatural way. However, there are things, like bitterness, unforgiveness, and low self-image you have to walk with him and obey Him daily for you to see a change. I mean, if you go to God and tell Him that you feel so angry and bitter toward a person what will He do? Simply ask you to forgive him or her! I mean God will not erase that person of the face of the earth or make a rock fall from the sky on them! You need to forgive—daily if necessary! Same thing with low self-esteem. You go to God and say God I don’t have any friends! What will He say? Go make friends (godly friends that is)! Or you tell Him that you feel unworthy, He will tell you that you are worthy and He loves you. I mean, He is not going to erase your memory. However, through His Word you can renew your thoughts and pattern of thinking.
The more I got hurt the more I built a shell around me. I mean I am already a very introvert person by nature! So last year I went to pray and told God that I hate the fact that when my uncle and his wife invite us, family and friends, to their Christmas party, Thanks Giving, or Easter, etc., there is something in me that kept saying "don’t go stay home--nobody cares". And those thoughts immediately came to my mind and I believe God put them there:
If you don’t go out, people will try to get you go out to go places with them. But eventually they will give up and say, “That’s the way he is and he likes to be left alone.” The reason they give up is because the more people insist the more you resist—and you do so because when they insist more you feel loved more so you resisted more to keep them insisting more! But eventually they give up and you end up losing. I am the only one who truly know what you are going through and I desires to help you. The solution to your problem is simple: if you go out you will see a difference in the quality of your life and you will have more opportunities to serve me, if you don’t you will end up living a very boring and ordinary life.
I am blessed that I have God in my life who always guides me and tells me where my thoughts or actions are wrong, corrects me and directs me to His wonderful path. But for many of us who simply refuse God to be part of our lives, and shun people away--we are simply cut from the rest of the world both physically and emotionally: I know this because I still remember my days before Christ. And the truth was: nobody cared as much as I thought they did or wanted them to except God. He cares so much that He interfered for my best even when I didn't want Him to, and told Him to leave me alone! That's how you know someone loves you unconditionally: when they do what is best for you even when you don't want them nor want your own best. (But I will talk about love in another photography project!)
The word ‘ordinary’ have always scared me because everywhere I look that’s all I see! And I know if I am following Jesus then I shouldn’t live an ordinary life according to God’s definition that is.
So since that day I decided to change the way I see myself, and believe it or not I am starting to tell others to see themselves differently. No reminding yourself that you are worthy, loved, and accepted day in and day out is not easy, but feeling like a piece of garbage is not fun either.
Here are few tips for you if you want to know what you can do to see yourself God’s way:
1) Read the Bible. If you are not planning to read it then forget about the next steps because your life will not change without God’s Word.
2) Obey the Holy Spirit in where He directs you to go and do.
3) Don’t compare yourself to others.
4) Remind yourself of who you are in Christ as soon as you wake up and through out the day.
5) Don’t act on your feelings of unworthiness—that’s how sin starts!
6) People do not see you like Satan has told you that they do! Remember, he is a liar!
7) People sin and make mistakes--people have called me ugly, short, fat, boring, and even ‘Christian’ as if being a Christian is a bad thing—and there is only one way to fix their mistakes: forgive them.
8) Serve God. The more you serve Him and focus on Him the less time and energy you have to listen to Satan.
9) If someone admires you then don’t dismiss it as a compliment that they didn’t mean, because it is not only insulting to the other person’s intentions, and feelings, but it also hinders the work of God in your life. (Who knows that person could be the one God has meant for you to marry!)
10) Every spiritual battle is won and lost in your mind. The body simply follows where your mind has already been and accepted.
I don’t know if you noticed that “dreamy” look in my photo. You see I am a person who pretty much day dreams most of his days—at least I used to. I inherited this from my mom who as far as I can remember day dreamt through every hour. Now this might seem like a trivial issue, but it is by far not. Can you imagine how hard it is to control your mind not to go into day dreaming when you rarely notice that it is already day dreaming? Thanks to God ever since I became a Christian I replaced a lot of my day dreaming with talking to God. I actually don’t like electronic devices because they interrupt my talking with Him. And if I listen to music then it is either about Him or classical music because it is just music without words to interrupt my thoughts. I am writing about this because of step number 10 above. Believe me so many sins become easy to break free from when you submit your thoughts to Christ. (But that’s the topic of another photography project!)
Of course, other things contribute to our feeling of self-unworthiness such as unbelief, self-pity, abuse, rejection, betrayal, failure etc. But notice none of those were forced on us, we simply accepted them. And that’s not a totally un-understandable thing especially when you accept Satan lies when you were just a child—I mean we didn’t know any better. But now since we are mature in age and spiritual understanding we should not let our lives go by because we won’t be given another chance and we will have to give an account to how we lived it.
Of course I could’ve fixed this photo, you know clean up the dirty spots, and crop it nicely but I simply like it the way it is so I just left it alone. If you ever read to this far I want you to know that God loves you and He desires to change your life but you will have to let Him by obeying Him.
I want to add one more thing. When we read stories in details like this one we think that person is so different than “normal” people are. But if every “normal” person talked honestly about what is going on on the inside then nobody will be considered normal anymore! If you meet me you will probably see that I am not different than anybody else you might meet who is around my age :)
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PS: A Christian gentleman I met on flickr sent me an amazing e-mail message about self-image and how he struggled with it when he was younger, and how God has changed his view about himself and brought him through it. He said something that is so true and deep that I decided to add it here. He said something to this effect:
Low self-image is Satan’s way of keeping our attention off of Him and on ourselves. This way we will always be busy feeling sorry for ourselves and not serve Him by serving others.
WOW! What a powerful message!
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I am going to end this topic with a story taken from the book "Finding Peace" by Dr. Charles Stanley. This story will demonstrate how important it is to deal with our low-self image, low self-esteem, hurts, rejections, bitterness, and unforgiveness, as God shows them to us and leads us to spiritual and emotional healing. It is the story of a man named Brian who lived in Illinois:
As a strapping young man in his early twenties, Brian’s life had dramatically changed when God spoke to him, and he responded in faith and commitment. For several years Brian was a faithful and forceful Christian until a fateful event occurred. He had a confrontation with someone in his local church, and he was offended. He said, “I will never go back to church because of this affront,” and at the same time, he abandoned his walk with God.
For the next forty years he lived with the bitterness and anger of that sad moment until, in his sixties, he was pruning a tree in his yard. He house was only one block from the church he had abandoned years previously.
As he was in the branches, he distinctly heart God’s voice say to him, “Brian, you have ignored My voice to you over these many years. This is the last time I will call on you to forgive those who hurt you and to repent of your bitterness and anger.”
Brian realized that this was his last opportunity to mend fences with his church and with his God. So immediately he went down to the church and publicly repented and asked forgiveness.
For the remaining years of his life, Brian was the pillar of the church—always there, always serving, always caring for others.
He often reminisced on the fact that he had sadly lost forty-odd years of joy because of his foolish mistake.
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Outlining a Theory of General Creativity . .
. . on a 'Pataphysical projectory
Entropy ≥ Memory ● Creativity ²
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Study of the day:
What's existentialism experience in a rhizome 2.0 ?
1 - a self-image for sale
2 - or a sale-image for self ?
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| . rectO-persO . | . E ≥ m.C² . | . co~errAnce . | . TiLt . |
Pregnant body image concept shots
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©2011 Jason Swain, All Rights Reserved
This image is not available for use on websites, blogs or other media without the explicit written permission of the photographer.
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Links to my website, facebook and twitter can be found on my flickr profile
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That is the assignment the art school has given me. (My assessment day is next week, that is where they'll judge this assignment, two others, my portfolio and my application interview.)
This photo will give you an idea of the concept I am working with. It was a frustrating photoshoot, but I think it will be worth the effort.
What is more personal than one's self-image? Yes, a mirror may be a cliched subject, but I loved the idea of looking at this from my psychological background. I decided to take this both literally and figuratively so hang around, I'll show the actual endresult (in a mosaic) next week or so :)
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No group images or (admin) invites wanted in my comments. I will delete your comments.
COPYRIGHT NOTICE
Copyright © Karin Elizabeth. All rights reserved. This photo is public only so you ("the public") may view it; it is not to be used as free stock. Use without written consent by the author (that would be me) is illegal and punishable by law; I will take action. This goes for blogging, as well. So, contact me beforehand if you are interested in using this image or any of my others (non-)commercially.
aalborg museum of modern art, 1958-1972.
architects: alvar aalto (1898-1976) and jean jacques baruël (b.1923).
the museum of modern art in aalborg was never popular among architects in denmark. we suffer the perenial disappointment of a protestant culture of resentment - and I see the criticism in that light - but the opponents of the building claim they have much better reasons for dismissing it: aalto was not the architect. in fact, it was a collaborative effort between the aaltos and former employee baruël at a busy time in aaltos office, but there is clearly too much aalto there to pass it by.
what remains significant is the long timespan this project took to materialize. in conception it belongs to the innovative works of the 1950's, famous for aalto's personal take on brutalism and the psychology of crude and untreated materials, yet its own materiality is one of perfection and coldness, related to the frozen music of his final, marbleclad monuments. indeed, the museum shares its colours and atmosphere with that glacial beauty, the finlandia hall in helsinki.
how aalto ended up in cold abstraction after the tactile viltality of säynätsalo and, before that, the lightness of paimio should never cease to amaze us. certainly, it had nothing to do with either fashion or alcoholism.
maybe it is to his role in creating an identity for the young finnish nation we must look: of the five masters of modern architecture, aalto was the nation builder - a responsibility far removed from the quixotic selfimage of le corbusier and wright's voice from the wilderness and the selfindulgence such positions allow. regardless, aalto's path was his own and we lose out if we allow ourselves not to follow him.
I painted my room blue the other day not ugly purple wall paper blue, and i loooove it! i've kept one wall completly plain for photography and now i have wall i can use for backgrounds that doesnt get in everyones way and i dont have to move furniture for, i seriously advice doing it, paint isnt that expensive, i makes you feel like your starting a new stage in ur life.
ok so my drawing of my body kind of is bit distorted but on purpose, i just wanted to point out how far off we can see ourselves from what we really look like. I didnt realise that when i got into photography i would be affected by how i see my body in a negative way, it started when i started 365 i put on weight and suddenly i had pictures to compare me to. Then theres the 'model' i didnt quite understand why they had to be a certain bone structure and certain weight, but through taking photos i began to wish i had some 'thinner models' uhh, it goes against everything i believe in, i cant believe i let it consume me. ok i could never make it as a model why? because im a size 12 and 5ft so no matter what i do i wont ever make it as model, not that i want to but it would nice to know i cud if i wanted to. i dont know
anyway, im starting to apreciate theres more to a person then a body.
p.s. if in doubt theres aways photoshop :P
photo editing inspired by JenniPenni she's amazing how she came up with her ideas so quickly for 365 days is beyond me! This flickrette has talent :)
Fotosöndag: Självbild.
Photosunday: Self-image/ identity/ mirror-image/ mental image
"And I just can’t look - it's killing me
And taking control
Jealousy, turning saints into the sea
Turning through sick lullabies
Choking on your alibis
But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside "
Bilden är dedikerad till en vän. Min bästa vän. Hon läser troligen inte detta, men jag velat säga det...
Self-help LP for children by Dr. Maxwell Maltz, who is well-meaning, but this looks pretty creepy! Maltz was a famous plastic surgeon who wrote the book Psycho-Cybernetics, which is also an LP: flic.kr/p/My1qsJ
WeHeartit: www.weheartit.com/markusmarzi
That's now my other version of my elongated body...i like it more...yes,this is in a beautiful color.
Why now:
I have few months now a site on WeHeartIt,where i have hearted my uploaded selfimage from Tumblr...weeks ago i have searched with my smartphone again new material,then i saw my colored body as advise for WeHeartIt.
"Hey there is my profilepicture and my name on it,nice..."-with little problems i took a screenshot.
...i like to make always around my manipulated pictures or screenshots a white frame...and so,i have it done also with this pic.
When you see this in a big size on the full screen,you see the many pixel and interferences,Cellphone-Camera 0,1 MP,because this,i have it uploaded here on Flickr in black and white...with many views.
But i like it more in color...and now with my normal profilepicture and my Name...and then the white frame...oh sweet,nice,beautiful...this is me!...oh,sometimes i can't believe it!
This is shared from my site on Google+...where i have it shared in a small size.Marki
"I close my eyes then I drift away
Into the magic night, I softly say
A silent prayer like dreamers do
Then I fall asleep to dream my dreams of you"
Roy Orbison ~
“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
―(Jim Henson)―
Learning life lessons in the extended socially-distanced open spaces leading to the checkout counter, at an Oregon supermarket.
I went to a boxe gym during a championship tournement. I was impressed by the pride and the fear of the boxers. I've tried to reproduce their expressions in this shot. I may miss some scratch and bruise...
[Before I start, this is not a request for compliments or sympathy, it's me trying to express how I've been feeling because I'll be honest and say that today has been a bad day. I've been doing well mostly, but today mainly consisted of me feeling lacklustre about almost everything, crying a lot, then sleeping in an attempt to try to forget how I'm feeling].
You may remember my entry about photo manipulation and my view on the subject. Despite knowing my own mind on this, I'm aware of how many people still have a mindset about Photoshop being used primarily because people do not take the time to or do not know how to correctly light, expose or compose their photographs.
So, you know how it is when this sort of thing comes up, that even though you know your reasons for the way you work, and that you are satisfied with the final images you produce (though of course you know that you can always improve and develop and learn more), that these things play on your mind and begin to irk you, and irk you moreso because you hear yourself defending yourself or justifying yourself in your own mind, even though you know you don't have to.
I've been annoyed at myself for neglecting my 365 days series lately though I know my reasons for this and no one would begrudge me having some "downtime" with it. It is, after all, my puppy. No one else is holding a gun to my head forcing me to do it, that's my finger on the trigger. If I stopped tomorrow I would probably be the only person who was highly disappointed in me. Others might even be relieved.
But I was feeling more positive about things and a bit more inspired and ready to spend the time on something more substantial today.
Except that I am my own worst enemy. The heat made me irritable within a short time after showering, even with a fan on me whilst I shot; my face has expressed its annoyance at the heat and my hormones by breaking out again though it had been relatively clear for about a week; and it seems lately that every time I shoot I see nothing but "bad sides", and on days like today I'm aware of all the imperfections and faults in my physique and appearance. I feel like I am constantly hiding the parts of me I don't like or feel uncomfortable about other people seeing, and I mentally cross off photographic compositions or set-ups that I would like to use because of these myriad factors.
Add to that my cluttered apartment where all available settings have been used over and over and over again, and I just lost all optimism and inclination to do anything but curl up in a ball.
I tried to edit this shot three times before I gave up and went to my room to do just that and then slept. I didn't wake up feeling that much better, but I managed to get an edit of the shot that I can deal with.
One thing I became more aware of from all this over-thinking and dissatisfaction and upset, is that when it comes to my self-portraiture, although sometimes there are issues with my lighting due to not having any lamps specifically for the purpose, in most instances the lighting and composition and set-up are fine. it's my own dissatisfaction with my appearance that usually prompts my use of Photoshop beyond basic contrast, levels and colour adjustments.
The image below is the original of the above shot without any alterations beyond resizing and saving for web as jpeg from the original RAW file. The exposure on my pale legs and arms is pretty much spot on, it's hard to avoid my limbs and torso blowing out usually. The imprint on my right knee doesn't bother me at all, I kind of like it. The only thing that should be an issue for me with this image as shot is that I cut off my right foot.
But you know what bothered me more about the image and why I felt I had to do more with it than just minor modifications to colour, contrast and levels? My freckles and my blemishes, both of which don't really stand out when viewed at the size I put my images online, and the overall tone of my face compared to the rest of me.
I'm completely aware of how vain and stupid that sounds, and I'm annoyed at myself for feeling that way, but consequently I would never be able to bring myself to display or sell that image full size without altering it. I could have worn makeup to attempt to even the tone of my skin and hide the blemishes, but on a day like today make-up would just serve to make my skin take longer to clear up.
Some days I feel comfortable in my own skin and happy with who I am as a person.
Days like today I'm reminded of the stories of people on acid* trying to remove the skin on their face because its imperfections offend them so much.
*whether real or an urban myth, the idea still applies