View allAll Photos Tagged Openminded
I started dieting April 15, 2012. Yes, I remember the day bc I glorified it for so many years. I started bc I didn’t physically feel well a lot of the time & I struggled with body image. We all know the cure for that: DIET & EXERCISE! Right?? I posted about my journey for “accountability” and got so much positive feedback. “You look amazing! You’re such an inspiration! Can you help me too?” I was so excited bc I hadn’t ever moved my body or honored it in anyway prior to that. Fueled by the results & positive reinforcement, I kept looking for better ways to diet and exercise for a few years. Then I found CrossFit, an entire global community of dieters & exercisers looking to do as much of both as possible. Perfect! For over 5 years I learned to micro-manage every seed I put into my mouth and sweat more than I ever had in my life. I was so proud to be a woman that was strong. And I still am. But things started to change eventually.
Every morning I’d wait until I pooped to weigh myself naked so that I would know the REAL number. What’s this?? How did my weight go up when I paid someone to tell me exactly how much to eat?! Must have been too much broccoli. I’ll pack food to bring to the pizza party. I’ll go “super clean” before the trip, party, event, etc. Everything I learned about, I tried. When information conflicted, I hedged my bets and restricted more of it. I wanted to be the gold standard and I wasn’t going to let anything mess that up. I even became Precision Nutrition “certified” because paying people to tell me what they learned in that one book - that apparently gave them the legal right to charge people to help them restrict food without any other credentials in nutrition or psychology - wasn’t working, so I opted to just become certified myself. And then the inevitable happened... it all stopped working. No matter what I did, who I paid, the results just stopped. My body began to bloat in ways I couldn’t anticipate, no matter what I added or eliminated. Physical discomfort I didn’t know how to stop. The stress of this sent me spiraling emotionally. The only logical explanation was that I was doing something wrong, that there was something I wasn’t doing, and that I wasn’t doing enough. My mind and time were consumed with how to control my body through food & exercise. Devastated when those around me succeeded with less perceived effort than me. I gave myself no leeway.
In May 2017 I was in the thick of this. I had been single for about a year and was ready to start dating again. I had been strict intermittent fasting, 8-10 hours of eating & 14-16 off, no matter what. I was asked on a date by someone I was actually really excited about. We had met a few years back working a wedding together and he was really cool. We made the date for a Wednesday night. I was coaching early on Wednesdays then, which meant I needed to start eating earlier in the day. 7-5 to be exact. I decided to do this even though I knew I was going out that night. NO EXCUSES!! Unfortunately the 2 drinks I had over the 4 hour date left me absolutely drunk and spinning.
We were having a fun evening up until that point.
I didn’t feel unsafe going back to his place to sober up.
I thought I could trust him.
I was tragically mistaken.
When I came to and stopped him I remember him trying to explain why it was ok that he was doing what he was doing. He really liked me and would be my boyfriend, he said. Date rape is a terrible and confusing thing to have happen to you. It took me over a week, walking around like a zombie, and a very concerned response from a friend when I told her the story, to really understand what happened to me. I broke ties with him immediately and tried to move on. I acknowledged the truth, felt what I needed to, and opted to learn from it. That year I only shot one wedding and it was out of state. I pulled up to the venue and I see him walking towards me. Out of all the videographers they could have possibly hired, they chose him. And I worked with him. I knew I had to. I could not go up to a bride on her wedding day, as she’s getting ready, and tell her I can’t do it. I learned a lot about my strength as a woman that day.
I think it’s important to understand that this happened to me at a time when I least expected it to. I was, and still am, at a point in my life where I consider myself to be a very happy person. I had become self-employed and was enjoying the successes of that. I didn’t view my dieting and exercising as anything bad at the time, and took a lot of pride in my discipline and knowledge. I was happy being single and very selective about who I went out with. I was confident I’d never put myself into a dangerous position again. I felt strong and empowered. It took me a long time to realize how my dieting/exercise routine had contributed to the events of that night. That guy is 100% responsible for his actions that night. It also breaks my heart to think about that version of myself that was so afraid to eat food. A version that weighed her options and chose to drink on an empty stomach and put her trust into her date’s hands.
My best friend got married in August 2019, and I was thrilled to be her Maid of Honor. A very special role with a lot of responsibilities and investments. I cleaned up my eating for months beforehand, and was exclusively strict for the month leading up to the big day. By the time the wedding day came, I was happy enough with my results. I was still struggling with my body image and not looking how I felt I should have with the amount of effort I put in. All that effort paired with the time and money invested into the wedding, I became terrified that if I ate any of the food at the wedding I would either A.) get sick because I knew how my body would react to foods I hadn’t been allowing myself to eat, and/or B.) bloat up and undo all the hard work I’d put in for months to look a certain way. So when everyone else was grabbing slices from the pizza food truck, or sampling the dessert options, I was eating cucumbers and hummus at my table. I wasn’t happy about it either. I felt sorry for myself and made up for it at the open bar. I had a great time at her wedding, but know now just how much more fun and enjoyment I could have shared on this most memorable of occasions.
The dangers of diet culture were completely unknown and unheard of in my life until I met my friend Iona. She and her partner run a movement based community in Boston, and I fell in love with them immediately. They used to be Crossfitters so I knew I would be understood there. She would talk a little bit about Crossfit and why she wasn’t doing it anymore and why she had stopped restricting food. Sounded good for her, but I couldn’t imagine not watching what I ate. But we’d keep chatting, and followed each other on social media so I was seeing the things she was sharing on the topic. Some things she shared didn’t sound like me at all. I had never been as great as she was and didn’t feel like our stories were the same. I had started a deep mediation practice at the beginning of 2019 that started to shake the foundation of my food & body beliefs. As I listened more to her story, and as I deepened my own personal awareness, I found myself deeply resonating with her. I was having a hard time putting uncomfortable feelings into words. She recommended two books to me: The Fuck It Diet by Caroline Dooner, and Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole.
It has been a year since I read The Fuck It Diet, and it shook me down to my core. So much of what she was describing sounded just like everything I was feeling. I felt angry at an industry I was a loyal disciple of for years. I felt ashamed of all the preaching in it’s favor I had done over the years. I felt overwhelmed in realizing that all the work I had put into optimizing my body was actually doing the opposite. I knew without a doubt that this was what my body and soul needed. A release from the confinement of diet culture. So I purchased Intuitive Eating and the accompanying workbook, and spent the last year slowly chipping away at the 10 principles of IE. In TFID she mentions that it can take 3-6 months for people to heal from disordered eating, some more and some less. I figured I’d be done nice and quick. Nope. This shit is HARD. So hard. Especially when the world shuts down 1 month into your practice and turns your world upside-down. I suffered a lot during the quarantine, and I did it silently. I couldn’t share my pain, and didn’t know how to. But I kept at it. I knew I couldn’t give up on this, too much was on the line. I moved in with my boyfriend during the pandemic which threw in a whole new twist and added challenges. I started unfollowing influencers & nutrition pages by the dozen. I utilized a food delivery service to help me take the pressure off of thinking about food so much. I was sick of it. I reached out to Iona for support. And I kept at it, even when it felt like I wasn’t making any progress. I kept at it. I knew my life depended on it.
Then some amazing things started to happen. I would put the pint of Ben & Jerry’s back in the fridge instead of eating it all at once. I could eat half my food at a restaurant and easily ask to bring the rest home. A package of cookies went stale in the cabinet because I just didn’t feel like eating them. I started buying new clothes that fit my body now, and even went as far as to go shopping when I felt most uncomfortable and bloated so I knew I could trust my clothes to truly bring me comfort. I can say no when I’m not hungry. I’m starting to be able to truly identify my hunger and fullness cues, and honor them. I’m starting to trust that my body knows what it’s doing and that it knows what size it wants to be. I can trust myself around food now because I know, without a doubt, that I can have it if I want to. Restriction is what leads to overeating, not the other way around. This, by far, has been the hardest but truest lesson I’ve learned in the decade I’ve spent educating myself on fitness and nutrition. I still have a lot of work to do, practice makes progress, and progress is never linear.
I have chosen to share this experience for a few reasons. First, the bravery of my friend sharing her vulnerable yet powerful healing experience inspired me to do the same for myself. This is the biggest hope for this project. We don’t get to choose who we influence, or how our influence is received. But we all have a story, and someone out there needs to hear YOUR story. Second, this has been one of the biggest personal items I have been working on recently and has caused a big upheaval in how I approach my life and my work. I pride myself on being openminded and allowing myself the grace to change my mind. Changing my mind on fitness and nutrition was not something I was expecting, and it is not what big diet culture wants us to believe. It is woven into our healthcare, media, and schools. Third, this is a topic I know millions of people, especially women, struggle with every single day. Fourth and final reason is the intersection of so many things in this experience. Self-worth, body image, sexism, science as a religion. Too much of what we think has been put there by someone else. My hope is that sharing my experience with diet culture, date rape, and orthorexia (eating disorder with the preoccupation with eating healthy food) that someone else will be inspired to free themselves from these cages and live life a little happier. Food CAN be neutral and our bodies do know what they’re doing.
Saint Merry is a catholic church
Centre Pastoral Saint-Merry -
76, rue de la Verrerie 75004 Paris
cphb.merri@wanadoo.fr
01 42 71 93 93
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com
I started dieting April 15, 2012. Yes, I remember the day bc I glorified it for so many years. I started bc I didn’t physically feel well a lot of the time & I struggled with body image. We all know the cure for that: DIET & EXERCISE! Right?? I posted about my journey for “accountability” and got so much positive feedback. “You look amazing! You’re such an inspiration! Can you help me too?” I was so excited bc I hadn’t ever moved my body or honored it in anyway prior to that. Fueled by the results & positive reinforcement, I kept looking for better ways to diet and exercise for a few years. Then I found CrossFit, an entire global community of dieters & exercisers looking to do as much of both as possible. Perfect! For over 5 years I learned to micro-manage every seed I put into my mouth and sweat more than I ever had in my life. I was so proud to be a woman that was strong. And I still am. But things started to change eventually.
Every morning I’d wait until I pooped to weigh myself naked so that I would know the REAL number. What’s this?? How did my weight go up when I paid someone to tell me exactly how much to eat?! Must have been too much broccoli. I’ll pack food to bring to the pizza party. I’ll go “super clean” before the trip, party, event, etc. Everything I learned about, I tried. When information conflicted, I hedged my bets and restricted more of it. I wanted to be the gold standard and I wasn’t going to let anything mess that up. I even became Precision Nutrition “certified” because paying people to tell me what they learned in that one book - that apparently gave them the legal right to charge people to help them restrict food without any other credentials in nutrition or psychology - wasn’t working, so I opted to just become certified myself. And then the inevitable happened... it all stopped working. No matter what I did, who I paid, the results just stopped. My body began to bloat in ways I couldn’t anticipate, no matter what I added or eliminated. Physical discomfort I didn’t know how to stop. The stress of this sent me spiraling emotionally. The only logical explanation was that I was doing something wrong, that there was something I wasn’t doing, and that I wasn’t doing enough. My mind and time were consumed with how to control my body through food & exercise. Devastated when those around me succeeded with less perceived effort than me. I gave myself no leeway.
In May 2017 I was in the thick of this. I had been single for about a year and was ready to start dating again. I had been strict intermittent fasting, 8-10 hours of eating & 14-16 off, no matter what. I was asked on a date by someone I was actually really excited about. We had met a few years back working a wedding together and he was really cool. We made the date for a Wednesday night. I was coaching early on Wednesdays then, which meant I needed to start eating earlier in the day. 7-5 to be exact. I decided to do this even though I knew I was going out that night. NO EXCUSES!! Unfortunately the 2 drinks I had over the 4 hour date left me absolutely drunk and spinning.
We were having a fun evening up until that point.
I didn’t feel unsafe going back to his place to sober up.
I thought I could trust him.
I was tragically mistaken.
When I came to and stopped him I remember him trying to explain why it was ok that he was doing what he was doing. He really liked me and would be my boyfriend, he said. Date rape is a terrible and confusing thing to have happen to you. It took me over a week, walking around like a zombie, and a very concerned response from a friend when I told her the story, to really understand what happened to me. I broke ties with him immediately and tried to move on. I acknowledged the truth, felt what I needed to, and opted to learn from it. That year I only shot one wedding and it was out of state. I pulled up to the venue and I see him walking towards me. Out of all the videographers they could have possibly hired, they chose him. And I worked with him. I knew I had to. I could not go up to a bride on her wedding day, as she’s getting ready, and tell her I can’t do it. I learned a lot about my strength as a woman that day.
I think it’s important to understand that this happened to me at a time when I least expected it to. I was, and still am, at a point in my life where I consider myself to be a very happy person. I had become self-employed and was enjoying the successes of that. I didn’t view my dieting and exercising as anything bad at the time, and took a lot of pride in my discipline and knowledge. I was happy being single and very selective about who I went out with. I was confident I’d never put myself into a dangerous position again. I felt strong and empowered. It took me a long time to realize how my dieting/exercise routine had contributed to the events of that night. That guy is 100% responsible for his actions that night. It also breaks my heart to think about that version of myself that was so afraid to eat food. A version that weighed her options and chose to drink on an empty stomach and put her trust into her date’s hands.
My best friend got married in August 2019, and I was thrilled to be her Maid of Honor. A very special role with a lot of responsibilities and investments. I cleaned up my eating for months beforehand, and was exclusively strict for the month leading up to the big day. By the time the wedding day came, I was happy enough with my results. I was still struggling with my body image and not looking how I felt I should have with the amount of effort I put in. All that effort paired with the time and money invested into the wedding, I became terrified that if I ate any of the food at the wedding I would either A.) get sick because I knew how my body would react to foods I hadn’t been allowing myself to eat, and/or B.) bloat up and undo all the hard work I’d put in for months to look a certain way. So when everyone else was grabbing slices from the pizza food truck, or sampling the dessert options, I was eating cucumbers and hummus at my table. I wasn’t happy about it either. I felt sorry for myself and made up for it at the open bar. I had a great time at her wedding, but know now just how much more fun and enjoyment I could have shared on this most memorable of occasions.
The dangers of diet culture were completely unknown and unheard of in my life until I met my friend Iona. She and her partner run a movement based community in Boston, and I fell in love with them immediately. They used to be Crossfitters so I knew I would be understood there. She would talk a little bit about Crossfit and why she wasn’t doing it anymore and why she had stopped restricting food. Sounded good for her, but I couldn’t imagine not watching what I ate. But we’d keep chatting, and followed each other on social media so I was seeing the things she was sharing on the topic. Some things she shared didn’t sound like me at all. I had never been as great as she was and didn’t feel like our stories were the same. I had started a deep mediation practice at the beginning of 2019 that started to shake the foundation of my food & body beliefs. As I listened more to her story, and as I deepened my own personal awareness, I found myself deeply resonating with her. I was having a hard time putting uncomfortable feelings into words. She recommended two books to me: The Fuck It Diet by Caroline Dooner, and Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole.
It has been a year since I read The Fuck It Diet, and it shook me down to my core. So much of what she was describing sounded just like everything I was feeling. I felt angry at an industry I was a loyal disciple of for years. I felt ashamed of all the preaching in it’s favor I had done over the years. I felt overwhelmed in realizing that all the work I had put into optimizing my body was actually doing the opposite. I knew without a doubt that this was what my body and soul needed. A release from the confinement of diet culture. So I purchased Intuitive Eating and the accompanying workbook, and spent the last year slowly chipping away at the 10 principles of IE. In TFID she mentions that it can take 3-6 months for people to heal from disordered eating, some more and some less. I figured I’d be done nice and quick. Nope. This shit is HARD. So hard. Especially when the world shuts down 1 month into your practice and turns your world upside-down. I suffered a lot during the quarantine, and I did it silently. I couldn’t share my pain, and didn’t know how to. But I kept at it. I knew I couldn’t give up on this, too much was on the line. I moved in with my boyfriend during the pandemic which threw in a whole new twist and added challenges. I started unfollowing influencers & nutrition pages by the dozen. I utilized a food delivery service to help me take the pressure off of thinking about food so much. I was sick of it. I reached out to Iona for support. And I kept at it, even when it felt like I wasn’t making any progress. I kept at it. I knew my life depended on it.
Then some amazing things started to happen. I would put the pint of Ben & Jerry’s back in the fridge instead of eating it all at once. I could eat half my food at a restaurant and easily ask to bring the rest home. A package of cookies went stale in the cabinet because I just didn’t feel like eating them. I started buying new clothes that fit my body now, and even went as far as to go shopping when I felt most uncomfortable and bloated so I knew I could trust my clothes to truly bring me comfort. I can say no when I’m not hungry. I’m starting to be able to truly identify my hunger and fullness cues, and honor them. I’m starting to trust that my body knows what it’s doing and that it knows what size it wants to be. I can trust myself around food now because I know, without a doubt, that I can have it if I want to. Restriction is what leads to overeating, not the other way around. This, by far, has been the hardest but truest lesson I’ve learned in the decade I’ve spent educating myself on fitness and nutrition. I still have a lot of work to do, practice makes progress, and progress is never linear.
I have chosen to share this experience for a few reasons. First, the bravery of my friend sharing her vulnerable yet powerful healing experience inspired me to do the same for myself. This is the biggest hope for this project. We don’t get to choose who we influence, or how our influence is received. But we all have a story, and someone out there needs to hear YOUR story. Second, this has been one of the biggest personal items I have been working on recently and has caused a big upheaval in how I approach my life and my work. I pride myself on being openminded and allowing myself the grace to change my mind. Changing my mind on fitness and nutrition was not something I was expecting, and it is not what big diet culture wants us to believe. It is woven into our healthcare, media, and schools. Third, this is a topic I know millions of people, especially women, struggle with every single day. Fourth and final reason is the intersection of so many things in this experience. Self-worth, body image, sexism, science as a religion. Too much of what we think has been put there by someone else. My hope is that sharing my experience with diet culture, date rape, and orthorexia (eating disorder with the preoccupation with eating healthy food) that someone else will be inspired to free themselves from these cages and live life a little happier. Food CAN be neutral and our bodies do know what they’re doing.
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com
This summerdress I had my mother sew in just below the breast as you can see, before that it made even me look pregnant. To give it a touch of sexy I added the leggings but I am afraid that even though I have an abundance of high heels even many white, somehow they just didn't fit... but these flats did. Somehow I found that wearing heels to the ”sweetness” of the dress was sacrilege!? (Even I am puzzled?) But there you have it!
I was going for the ”big” photo shoot in a fairly small local park, walking distance from my home (10-15 minutes). I had intended to perhaps make use of the sun being high in the sky, though this turned out a disadvantage. Never the less I got SO remarkably many good pictures, even I am amazed!!! Perhaps it also has to do with me actually reading the manual to my camera.... anyway it was a MAJOR succes.
At a time I went to shoot at a small outside ”ambi theatre” that is mostly overgrown and unused. Some girls (age 7-11) was playing there and I spotted some parents nearby, a BIG bodybuilder guy (pretty hot actually) and two supposed mothers. Ofcause the kids was curious like bees to honey and not much time went before I had a throng of girls just outside the cameras view as not to disturb me taking pictures. They where extremely curious, giggled and dared eachother (out loud) to ask questions. I found that to be very sweet and innocent, smiled and told them to feel free to ask any questions they had. So soon after I found myself surrounded by a small mob of girls asking questions and I showed them some of the pictures I had taken. Obviously. I told them, I was a guy dressing up as a women. ”Why do you do it?” a girl asked. ”Well..” I said, ”honestly I don't really know my self, but I just like to, or rather I LOVE to do it in fact and being an adult I can do exactly as I wish. So I just do it, because I want to.” I smiled. ”But why do you take pictures of yourself dressed up?” another asked, to which I replied, ”I have always loved to take pictures.” I smiled and continued, ”A guy such as I who dress up as women is a rather seldom sight you see, so besides me loving to play amateur photograher, a lot of people actually want to see the pictures I take, as they are fairly rare, in a sense.” I mused speculatively as the tallest and probably oldest of the girls said (I am NOT lying) ”I dress up as a boy!” she said with precisely the same ease that I had said, that I am a guy dressing up as a women and pointed down her knee lenght and actually pretty boyish shorts (now my attention fell upon them). ”That”, I said, ”.. is far more common to see and even pretty much accepted. What I do, some people find MOST inappropriate. But if you are a girl dressing up as a boy it is quite OK to most people :o)
We talked for about 5 minutes, they where VERY sweet, humble, non prejudice, openminded and for ones I found myself among mental equals. Quite refreshing really!
As I left the ambi theatre, one of the girls came running after me??? She was sent by her mother, rebuked for having forgotten to say ”goodbye” to me in a polite manner!? - Only in Denmark, only in Denmark! :o)
I started dieting April 15, 2012. Yes, I remember the day bc I glorified it for so many years. I started bc I didn’t physically feel well a lot of the time & I struggled with body image. We all know the cure for that: DIET & EXERCISE! Right?? I posted about my journey for “accountability” and got so much positive feedback. “You look amazing! You’re such an inspiration! Can you help me too?” I was so excited bc I hadn’t ever moved my body or honored it in anyway prior to that. Fueled by the results & positive reinforcement, I kept looking for better ways to diet and exercise for a few years. Then I found CrossFit, an entire global community of dieters & exercisers looking to do as much of both as possible. Perfect! For over 5 years I learned to micro-manage every seed I put into my mouth and sweat more than I ever had in my life. I was so proud to be a woman that was strong. And I still am. But things started to change eventually.
Every morning I’d wait until I pooped to weigh myself naked so that I would know the REAL number. What’s this?? How did my weight go up when I paid someone to tell me exactly how much to eat?! Must have been too much broccoli. I’ll pack food to bring to the pizza party. I’ll go “super clean” before the trip, party, event, etc. Everything I learned about, I tried. When information conflicted, I hedged my bets and restricted more of it. I wanted to be the gold standard and I wasn’t going to let anything mess that up. I even became Precision Nutrition “certified” because paying people to tell me what they learned in that one book - that apparently gave them the legal right to charge people to help them restrict food without any other credentials in nutrition or psychology - wasn’t working, so I opted to just become certified myself. And then the inevitable happened... it all stopped working. No matter what I did, who I paid, the results just stopped. My body began to bloat in ways I couldn’t anticipate, no matter what I added or eliminated. Physical discomfort I didn’t know how to stop. The stress of this sent me spiraling emotionally. The only logical explanation was that I was doing something wrong, that there was something I wasn’t doing, and that I wasn’t doing enough. My mind and time were consumed with how to control my body through food & exercise. Devastated when those around me succeeded with less perceived effort than me. I gave myself no leeway.
In May 2017 I was in the thick of this. I had been single for about a year and was ready to start dating again. I had been strict intermittent fasting, 8-10 hours of eating & 14-16 off, no matter what. I was asked on a date by someone I was actually really excited about. We had met a few years back working a wedding together and he was really cool. We made the date for a Wednesday night. I was coaching early on Wednesdays then, which meant I needed to start eating earlier in the day. 7-5 to be exact. I decided to do this even though I knew I was going out that night. NO EXCUSES!! Unfortunately the 2 drinks I had over the 4 hour date left me absolutely drunk and spinning.
We were having a fun evening up until that point.
I didn’t feel unsafe going back to his place to sober up.
I thought I could trust him.
I was tragically mistaken.
When I came to and stopped him I remember him trying to explain why it was ok that he was doing what he was doing. He really liked me and would be my boyfriend, he said. Date rape is a terrible and confusing thing to have happen to you. It took me over a week, walking around like a zombie, and a very concerned response from a friend when I told her the story, to really understand what happened to me. I broke ties with him immediately and tried to move on. I acknowledged the truth, felt what I needed to, and opted to learn from it. That year I only shot one wedding and it was out of state. I pulled up to the venue and I see him walking towards me. Out of all the videographers they could have possibly hired, they chose him. And I worked with him. I knew I had to. I could not go up to a bride on her wedding day, as she’s getting ready, and tell her I can’t do it. I learned a lot about my strength as a woman that day.
I think it’s important to understand that this happened to me at a time when I least expected it to. I was, and still am, at a point in my life where I consider myself to be a very happy person. I had become self-employed and was enjoying the successes of that. I didn’t view my dieting and exercising as anything bad at the time, and took a lot of pride in my discipline and knowledge. I was happy being single and very selective about who I went out with. I was confident I’d never put myself into a dangerous position again. I felt strong and empowered. It took me a long time to realize how my dieting/exercise routine had contributed to the events of that night. That guy is 100% responsible for his actions that night. It also breaks my heart to think about that version of myself that was so afraid to eat food. A version that weighed her options and chose to drink on an empty stomach and put her trust into her date’s hands.
My best friend got married in August 2019, and I was thrilled to be her Maid of Honor. A very special role with a lot of responsibilities and investments. I cleaned up my eating for months beforehand, and was exclusively strict for the month leading up to the big day. By the time the wedding day came, I was happy enough with my results. I was still struggling with my body image and not looking how I felt I should have with the amount of effort I put in. All that effort paired with the time and money invested into the wedding, I became terrified that if I ate any of the food at the wedding I would either A.) get sick because I knew how my body would react to foods I hadn’t been allowing myself to eat, and/or B.) bloat up and undo all the hard work I’d put in for months to look a certain way. So when everyone else was grabbing slices from the pizza food truck, or sampling the dessert options, I was eating cucumbers and hummus at my table. I wasn’t happy about it either. I felt sorry for myself and made up for it at the open bar. I had a great time at her wedding, but know now just how much more fun and enjoyment I could have shared on this most memorable of occasions.
The dangers of diet culture were completely unknown and unheard of in my life until I met my friend Iona. She and her partner run a movement based community in Boston, and I fell in love with them immediately. They used to be Crossfitters so I knew I would be understood there. She would talk a little bit about Crossfit and why she wasn’t doing it anymore and why she had stopped restricting food. Sounded good for her, but I couldn’t imagine not watching what I ate. But we’d keep chatting, and followed each other on social media so I was seeing the things she was sharing on the topic. Some things she shared didn’t sound like me at all. I had never been as great as she was and didn’t feel like our stories were the same. I had started a deep mediation practice at the beginning of 2019 that started to shake the foundation of my food & body beliefs. As I listened more to her story, and as I deepened my own personal awareness, I found myself deeply resonating with her. I was having a hard time putting uncomfortable feelings into words. She recommended two books to me: The Fuck It Diet by Caroline Dooner, and Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole.
It has been a year since I read The Fuck It Diet, and it shook me down to my core. So much of what she was describing sounded just like everything I was feeling. I felt angry at an industry I was a loyal disciple of for years. I felt ashamed of all the preaching in it’s favor I had done over the years. I felt overwhelmed in realizing that all the work I had put into optimizing my body was actually doing the opposite. I knew without a doubt that this was what my body and soul needed. A release from the confinement of diet culture. So I purchased Intuitive Eating and the accompanying workbook, and spent the last year slowly chipping away at the 10 principles of IE. In TFID she mentions that it can take 3-6 months for people to heal from disordered eating, some more and some less. I figured I’d be done nice and quick. Nope. This shit is HARD. So hard. Especially when the world shuts down 1 month into your practice and turns your world upside-down. I suffered a lot during the quarantine, and I did it silently. I couldn’t share my pain, and didn’t know how to. But I kept at it. I knew I couldn’t give up on this, too much was on the line. I moved in with my boyfriend during the pandemic which threw in a whole new twist and added challenges. I started unfollowing influencers & nutrition pages by the dozen. I utilized a food delivery service to help me take the pressure off of thinking about food so much. I was sick of it. I reached out to Iona for support. And I kept at it, even when it felt like I wasn’t making any progress. I kept at it. I knew my life depended on it.
Then some amazing things started to happen. I would put the pint of Ben & Jerry’s back in the fridge instead of eating it all at once. I could eat half my food at a restaurant and easily ask to bring the rest home. A package of cookies went stale in the cabinet because I just didn’t feel like eating them. I started buying new clothes that fit my body now, and even went as far as to go shopping when I felt most uncomfortable and bloated so I knew I could trust my clothes to truly bring me comfort. I can say no when I’m not hungry. I’m starting to be able to truly identify my hunger and fullness cues, and honor them. I’m starting to trust that my body knows what it’s doing and that it knows what size it wants to be. I can trust myself around food now because I know, without a doubt, that I can have it if I want to. Restriction is what leads to overeating, not the other way around. This, by far, has been the hardest but truest lesson I’ve learned in the decade I’ve spent educating myself on fitness and nutrition. I still have a lot of work to do, practice makes progress, and progress is never linear.
I have chosen to share this experience for a few reasons. First, the bravery of my friend sharing her vulnerable yet powerful healing experience inspired me to do the same for myself. This is the biggest hope for this project. We don’t get to choose who we influence, or how our influence is received. But we all have a story, and someone out there needs to hear YOUR story. Second, this has been one of the biggest personal items I have been working on recently and has caused a big upheaval in how I approach my life and my work. I pride myself on being openminded and allowing myself the grace to change my mind. Changing my mind on fitness and nutrition was not something I was expecting, and it is not what big diet culture wants us to believe. It is woven into our healthcare, media, and schools. Third, this is a topic I know millions of people, especially women, struggle with every single day. Fourth and final reason is the intersection of so many things in this experience. Self-worth, body image, sexism, science as a religion. Too much of what we think has been put there by someone else. My hope is that sharing my experience with diet culture, date rape, and orthorexia (eating disorder with the preoccupation with eating healthy food) that someone else will be inspired to free themselves from these cages and live life a little happier. Food CAN be neutral and our bodies do know what they’re doing.
I started dieting April 15, 2012. Yes, I remember the day bc I glorified it for so many years. I started bc I didn’t physically feel well a lot of the time & I struggled with body image. We all know the cure for that: DIET & EXERCISE! Right?? I posted about my journey for “accountability” and got so much positive feedback. “You look amazing! You’re such an inspiration! Can you help me too?” I was so excited bc I hadn’t ever moved my body or honored it in anyway prior to that. Fueled by the results & positive reinforcement, I kept looking for better ways to diet and exercise for a few years. Then I found CrossFit, an entire global community of dieters & exercisers looking to do as much of both as possible. Perfect! For over 5 years I learned to micro-manage every seed I put into my mouth and sweat more than I ever had in my life. I was so proud to be a woman that was strong. And I still am. But things started to change eventually.
Every morning I’d wait until I pooped to weigh myself naked so that I would know the REAL number. What’s this?? How did my weight go up when I paid someone to tell me exactly how much to eat?! Must have been too much broccoli. I’ll pack food to bring to the pizza party. I’ll go “super clean” before the trip, party, event, etc. Everything I learned about, I tried. When information conflicted, I hedged my bets and restricted more of it. I wanted to be the gold standard and I wasn’t going to let anything mess that up. I even became Precision Nutrition “certified” because paying people to tell me what they learned in that one book - that apparently gave them the legal right to charge people to help them restrict food without any other credentials in nutrition or psychology - wasn’t working, so I opted to just become certified myself. And then the inevitable happened... it all stopped working. No matter what I did, who I paid, the results just stopped. My body began to bloat in ways I couldn’t anticipate, no matter what I added or eliminated. Physical discomfort I didn’t know how to stop. The stress of this sent me spiraling emotionally. The only logical explanation was that I was doing something wrong, that there was something I wasn’t doing, and that I wasn’t doing enough. My mind and time were consumed with how to control my body through food & exercise. Devastated when those around me succeeded with less perceived effort than me. I gave myself no leeway.
In May 2017 I was in the thick of this. I had been single for about a year and was ready to start dating again. I had been strict intermittent fasting, 8-10 hours of eating & 14-16 off, no matter what. I was asked on a date by someone I was actually really excited about. We had met a few years back working a wedding together and he was really cool. We made the date for a Wednesday night. I was coaching early on Wednesdays then, which meant I needed to start eating earlier in the day. 7-5 to be exact. I decided to do this even though I knew I was going out that night. NO EXCUSES!! Unfortunately the 2 drinks I had over the 4 hour date left me absolutely drunk and spinning.
We were having a fun evening up until that point.
I didn’t feel unsafe going back to his place to sober up.
I thought I could trust him.
I was tragically mistaken.
When I came to and stopped him I remember him trying to explain why it was ok that he was doing what he was doing. He really liked me and would be my boyfriend, he said. Date rape is a terrible and confusing thing to have happen to you. It took me over a week, walking around like a zombie, and a very concerned response from a friend when I told her the story, to really understand what happened to me. I broke ties with him immediately and tried to move on. I acknowledged the truth, felt what I needed to, and opted to learn from it. That year I only shot one wedding and it was out of state. I pulled up to the venue and I see him walking towards me. Out of all the videographers they could have possibly hired, they chose him. And I worked with him. I knew I had to. I could not go up to a bride on her wedding day, as she’s getting ready, and tell her I can’t do it. I learned a lot about my strength as a woman that day.
I think it’s important to understand that this happened to me at a time when I least expected it to. I was, and still am, at a point in my life where I consider myself to be a very happy person. I had become self-employed and was enjoying the successes of that. I didn’t view my dieting and exercising as anything bad at the time, and took a lot of pride in my discipline and knowledge. I was happy being single and very selective about who I went out with. I was confident I’d never put myself into a dangerous position again. I felt strong and empowered. It took me a long time to realize how my dieting/exercise routine had contributed to the events of that night. That guy is 100% responsible for his actions that night. It also breaks my heart to think about that version of myself that was so afraid to eat food. A version that weighed her options and chose to drink on an empty stomach and put her trust into her date’s hands.
My best friend got married in August 2019, and I was thrilled to be her Maid of Honor. A very special role with a lot of responsibilities and investments. I cleaned up my eating for months beforehand, and was exclusively strict for the month leading up to the big day. By the time the wedding day came, I was happy enough with my results. I was still struggling with my body image and not looking how I felt I should have with the amount of effort I put in. All that effort paired with the time and money invested into the wedding, I became terrified that if I ate any of the food at the wedding I would either A.) get sick because I knew how my body would react to foods I hadn’t been allowing myself to eat, and/or B.) bloat up and undo all the hard work I’d put in for months to look a certain way. So when everyone else was grabbing slices from the pizza food truck, or sampling the dessert options, I was eating cucumbers and hummus at my table. I wasn’t happy about it either. I felt sorry for myself and made up for it at the open bar. I had a great time at her wedding, but know now just how much more fun and enjoyment I could have shared on this most memorable of occasions.
The dangers of diet culture were completely unknown and unheard of in my life until I met my friend Iona. She and her partner run a movement based community in Boston, and I fell in love with them immediately. They used to be Crossfitters so I knew I would be understood there. She would talk a little bit about Crossfit and why she wasn’t doing it anymore and why she had stopped restricting food. Sounded good for her, but I couldn’t imagine not watching what I ate. But we’d keep chatting, and followed each other on social media so I was seeing the things she was sharing on the topic. Some things she shared didn’t sound like me at all. I had never been as great as she was and didn’t feel like our stories were the same. I had started a deep mediation practice at the beginning of 2019 that started to shake the foundation of my food & body beliefs. As I listened more to her story, and as I deepened my own personal awareness, I found myself deeply resonating with her. I was having a hard time putting uncomfortable feelings into words. She recommended two books to me: The Fuck It Diet by Caroline Dooner, and Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole.
It has been a year since I read The Fuck It Diet, and it shook me down to my core. So much of what she was describing sounded just like everything I was feeling. I felt angry at an industry I was a loyal disciple of for years. I felt ashamed of all the preaching in it’s favor I had done over the years. I felt overwhelmed in realizing that all the work I had put into optimizing my body was actually doing the opposite. I knew without a doubt that this was what my body and soul needed. A release from the confinement of diet culture. So I purchased Intuitive Eating and the accompanying workbook, and spent the last year slowly chipping away at the 10 principles of IE. In TFID she mentions that it can take 3-6 months for people to heal from disordered eating, some more and some less. I figured I’d be done nice and quick. Nope. This shit is HARD. So hard. Especially when the world shuts down 1 month into your practice and turns your world upside-down. I suffered a lot during the quarantine, and I did it silently. I couldn’t share my pain, and didn’t know how to. But I kept at it. I knew I couldn’t give up on this, too much was on the line. I moved in with my boyfriend during the pandemic which threw in a whole new twist and added challenges. I started unfollowing influencers & nutrition pages by the dozen. I utilized a food delivery service to help me take the pressure off of thinking about food so much. I was sick of it. I reached out to Iona for support. And I kept at it, even when it felt like I wasn’t making any progress. I kept at it. I knew my life depended on it.
Then some amazing things started to happen. I would put the pint of Ben & Jerry’s back in the fridge instead of eating it all at once. I could eat half my food at a restaurant and easily ask to bring the rest home. A package of cookies went stale in the cabinet because I just didn’t feel like eating them. I started buying new clothes that fit my body now, and even went as far as to go shopping when I felt most uncomfortable and bloated so I knew I could trust my clothes to truly bring me comfort. I can say no when I’m not hungry. I’m starting to be able to truly identify my hunger and fullness cues, and honor them. I’m starting to trust that my body knows what it’s doing and that it knows what size it wants to be. I can trust myself around food now because I know, without a doubt, that I can have it if I want to. Restriction is what leads to overeating, not the other way around. This, by far, has been the hardest but truest lesson I’ve learned in the decade I’ve spent educating myself on fitness and nutrition. I still have a lot of work to do, practice makes progress, and progress is never linear.
I have chosen to share this experience for a few reasons. First, the bravery of my friend sharing her vulnerable yet powerful healing experience inspired me to do the same for myself. This is the biggest hope for this project. We don’t get to choose who we influence, or how our influence is received. But we all have a story, and someone out there needs to hear YOUR story. Second, this has been one of the biggest personal items I have been working on recently and has caused a big upheaval in how I approach my life and my work. I pride myself on being openminded and allowing myself the grace to change my mind. Changing my mind on fitness and nutrition was not something I was expecting, and it is not what big diet culture wants us to believe. It is woven into our healthcare, media, and schools. Third, this is a topic I know millions of people, especially women, struggle with every single day. Fourth and final reason is the intersection of so many things in this experience. Self-worth, body image, sexism, science as a religion. Too much of what we think has been put there by someone else. My hope is that sharing my experience with diet culture, date rape, and orthorexia (eating disorder with the preoccupation with eating healthy food) that someone else will be inspired to free themselves from these cages and live life a little happier. Food CAN be neutral and our bodies do know what they’re doing.
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2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
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I started dieting April 15, 2012. Yes, I remember the day bc I glorified it for so many years. I started bc I didn’t physically feel well a lot of the time & I struggled with body image. We all know the cure for that: DIET & EXERCISE! Right?? I posted about my journey for “accountability” and got so much positive feedback. “You look amazing! You’re such an inspiration! Can you help me too?” I was so excited bc I hadn’t ever moved my body or honored it in anyway prior to that. Fueled by the results & positive reinforcement, I kept looking for better ways to diet and exercise for a few years. Then I found CrossFit, an entire global community of dieters & exercisers looking to do as much of both as possible. Perfect! For over 5 years I learned to micro-manage every seed I put into my mouth and sweat more than I ever had in my life. I was so proud to be a woman that was strong. And I still am. But things started to change eventually.
Every morning I’d wait until I pooped to weigh myself naked so that I would know the REAL number. What’s this?? How did my weight go up when I paid someone to tell me exactly how much to eat?! Must have been too much broccoli. I’ll pack food to bring to the pizza party. I’ll go “super clean” before the trip, party, event, etc. Everything I learned about, I tried. When information conflicted, I hedged my bets and restricted more of it. I wanted to be the gold standard and I wasn’t going to let anything mess that up. I even became Precision Nutrition “certified” because paying people to tell me what they learned in that one book - that apparently gave them the legal right to charge people to help them restrict food without any other credentials in nutrition or psychology - wasn’t working, so I opted to just become certified myself. And then the inevitable happened... it all stopped working. No matter what I did, who I paid, the results just stopped. My body began to bloat in ways I couldn’t anticipate, no matter what I added or eliminated. Physical discomfort I didn’t know how to stop. The stress of this sent me spiraling emotionally. The only logical explanation was that I was doing something wrong, that there was something I wasn’t doing, and that I wasn’t doing enough. My mind and time were consumed with how to control my body through food & exercise. Devastated when those around me succeeded with less perceived effort than me. I gave myself no leeway.
In May 2017 I was in the thick of this. I had been single for about a year and was ready to start dating again. I had been strict intermittent fasting, 8-10 hours of eating & 14-16 off, no matter what. I was asked on a date by someone I was actually really excited about. We had met a few years back working a wedding together and he was really cool. We made the date for a Wednesday night. I was coaching early on Wednesdays then, which meant I needed to start eating earlier in the day. 7-5 to be exact. I decided to do this even though I knew I was going out that night. NO EXCUSES!! Unfortunately the 2 drinks I had over the 4 hour date left me absolutely drunk and spinning.
We were having a fun evening up until that point.
I didn’t feel unsafe going back to his place to sober up.
I thought I could trust him.
I was tragically mistaken.
When I came to and stopped him I remember him trying to explain why it was ok that he was doing what he was doing. He really liked me and would be my boyfriend, he said. Date rape is a terrible and confusing thing to have happen to you. It took me over a week, walking around like a zombie, and a very concerned response from a friend when I told her the story, to really understand what happened to me. I broke ties with him immediately and tried to move on. I acknowledged the truth, felt what I needed to, and opted to learn from it. That year I only shot one wedding and it was out of state. I pulled up to the venue and I see him walking towards me. Out of all the videographers they could have possibly hired, they chose him. And I worked with him. I knew I had to. I could not go up to a bride on her wedding day, as she’s getting ready, and tell her I can’t do it. I learned a lot about my strength as a woman that day.
I think it’s important to understand that this happened to me at a time when I least expected it to. I was, and still am, at a point in my life where I consider myself to be a very happy person. I had become self-employed and was enjoying the successes of that. I didn’t view my dieting and exercising as anything bad at the time, and took a lot of pride in my discipline and knowledge. I was happy being single and very selective about who I went out with. I was confident I’d never put myself into a dangerous position again. I felt strong and empowered. It took me a long time to realize how my dieting/exercise routine had contributed to the events of that night. That guy is 100% responsible for his actions that night. It also breaks my heart to think about that version of myself that was so afraid to eat food. A version that weighed her options and chose to drink on an empty stomach and put her trust into her date’s hands.
My best friend got married in August 2019, and I was thrilled to be her Maid of Honor. A very special role with a lot of responsibilities and investments. I cleaned up my eating for months beforehand, and was exclusively strict for the month leading up to the big day. By the time the wedding day came, I was happy enough with my results. I was still struggling with my body image and not looking how I felt I should have with the amount of effort I put in. All that effort paired with the time and money invested into the wedding, I became terrified that if I ate any of the food at the wedding I would either A.) get sick because I knew how my body would react to foods I hadn’t been allowing myself to eat, and/or B.) bloat up and undo all the hard work I’d put in for months to look a certain way. So when everyone else was grabbing slices from the pizza food truck, or sampling the dessert options, I was eating cucumbers and hummus at my table. I wasn’t happy about it either. I felt sorry for myself and made up for it at the open bar. I had a great time at her wedding, but know now just how much more fun and enjoyment I could have shared on this most memorable of occasions.
The dangers of diet culture were completely unknown and unheard of in my life until I met my friend Iona. She and her partner run a movement based community in Boston, and I fell in love with them immediately. They used to be Crossfitters so I knew I would be understood there. She would talk a little bit about Crossfit and why she wasn’t doing it anymore and why she had stopped restricting food. Sounded good for her, but I couldn’t imagine not watching what I ate. But we’d keep chatting, and followed each other on social media so I was seeing the things she was sharing on the topic. Some things she shared didn’t sound like me at all. I had never been as great as she was and didn’t feel like our stories were the same. I had started a deep mediation practice at the beginning of 2019 that started to shake the foundation of my food & body beliefs. As I listened more to her story, and as I deepened my own personal awareness, I found myself deeply resonating with her. I was having a hard time putting uncomfortable feelings into words. She recommended two books to me: The Fuck It Diet by Caroline Dooner, and Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole.
It has been a year since I read The Fuck It Diet, and it shook me down to my core. So much of what she was describing sounded just like everything I was feeling. I felt angry at an industry I was a loyal disciple of for years. I felt ashamed of all the preaching in it’s favor I had done over the years. I felt overwhelmed in realizing that all the work I had put into optimizing my body was actually doing the opposite. I knew without a doubt that this was what my body and soul needed. A release from the confinement of diet culture. So I purchased Intuitive Eating and the accompanying workbook, and spent the last year slowly chipping away at the 10 principles of IE. In TFID she mentions that it can take 3-6 months for people to heal from disordered eating, some more and some less. I figured I’d be done nice and quick. Nope. This shit is HARD. So hard. Especially when the world shuts down 1 month into your practice and turns your world upside-down. I suffered a lot during the quarantine, and I did it silently. I couldn’t share my pain, and didn’t know how to. But I kept at it. I knew I couldn’t give up on this, too much was on the line. I moved in with my boyfriend during the pandemic which threw in a whole new twist and added challenges. I started unfollowing influencers & nutrition pages by the dozen. I utilized a food delivery service to help me take the pressure off of thinking about food so much. I was sick of it. I reached out to Iona for support. And I kept at it, even when it felt like I wasn’t making any progress. I kept at it. I knew my life depended on it.
Then some amazing things started to happen. I would put the pint of Ben & Jerry’s back in the fridge instead of eating it all at once. I could eat half my food at a restaurant and easily ask to bring the rest home. A package of cookies went stale in the cabinet because I just didn’t feel like eating them. I started buying new clothes that fit my body now, and even went as far as to go shopping when I felt most uncomfortable and bloated so I knew I could trust my clothes to truly bring me comfort. I can say no when I’m not hungry. I’m starting to be able to truly identify my hunger and fullness cues, and honor them. I’m starting to trust that my body knows what it’s doing and that it knows what size it wants to be. I can trust myself around food now because I know, without a doubt, that I can have it if I want to. Restriction is what leads to overeating, not the other way around. This, by far, has been the hardest but truest lesson I’ve learned in the decade I’ve spent educating myself on fitness and nutrition. I still have a lot of work to do, practice makes progress, and progress is never linear.
I have chosen to share this experience for a few reasons. First, the bravery of my friend sharing her vulnerable yet powerful healing experience inspired me to do the same for myself. This is the biggest hope for this project. We don’t get to choose who we influence, or how our influence is received. But we all have a story, and someone out there needs to hear YOUR story. Second, this has been one of the biggest personal items I have been working on recently and has caused a big upheaval in how I approach my life and my work. I pride myself on being openminded and allowing myself the grace to change my mind. Changing my mind on fitness and nutrition was not something I was expecting, and it is not what big diet culture wants us to believe. It is woven into our healthcare, media, and schools. Third, this is a topic I know millions of people, especially women, struggle with every single day. Fourth and final reason is the intersection of so many things in this experience. Self-worth, body image, sexism, science as a religion. Too much of what we think has been put there by someone else. My hope is that sharing my experience with diet culture, date rape, and orthorexia (eating disorder with the preoccupation with eating healthy food) that someone else will be inspired to free themselves from these cages and live life a little happier. Food CAN be neutral and our bodies do know what they’re doing.
I started dieting April 15, 2012. Yes, I remember the day bc I glorified it for so many years. I started bc I didn’t physically feel well a lot of the time & I struggled with body image. We all know the cure for that: DIET & EXERCISE! Right?? I posted about my journey for “accountability” and got so much positive feedback. “You look amazing! You’re such an inspiration! Can you help me too?” I was so excited bc I hadn’t ever moved my body or honored it in anyway prior to that. Fueled by the results & positive reinforcement, I kept looking for better ways to diet and exercise for a few years. Then I found CrossFit, an entire global community of dieters & exercisers looking to do as much of both as possible. Perfect! For over 5 years I learned to micro-manage every seed I put into my mouth and sweat more than I ever had in my life. I was so proud to be a woman that was strong. And I still am. But things started to change eventually.
Every morning I’d wait until I pooped to weigh myself naked so that I would know the REAL number. What’s this?? How did my weight go up when I paid someone to tell me exactly how much to eat?! Must have been too much broccoli. I’ll pack food to bring to the pizza party. I’ll go “super clean” before the trip, party, event, etc. Everything I learned about, I tried. When information conflicted, I hedged my bets and restricted more of it. I wanted to be the gold standard and I wasn’t going to let anything mess that up. I even became Precision Nutrition “certified” because paying people to tell me what they learned in that one book - that apparently gave them the legal right to charge people to help them restrict food without any other credentials in nutrition or psychology - wasn’t working, so I opted to just become certified myself. And then the inevitable happened... it all stopped working. No matter what I did, who I paid, the results just stopped. My body began to bloat in ways I couldn’t anticipate, no matter what I added or eliminated. Physical discomfort I didn’t know how to stop. The stress of this sent me spiraling emotionally. The only logical explanation was that I was doing something wrong, that there was something I wasn’t doing, and that I wasn’t doing enough. My mind and time were consumed with how to control my body through food & exercise. Devastated when those around me succeeded with less perceived effort than me. I gave myself no leeway.
In May 2017 I was in the thick of this. I had been single for about a year and was ready to start dating again. I had been strict intermittent fasting, 8-10 hours of eating & 14-16 off, no matter what. I was asked on a date by someone I was actually really excited about. We had met a few years back working a wedding together and he was really cool. We made the date for a Wednesday night. I was coaching early on Wednesdays then, which meant I needed to start eating earlier in the day. 7-5 to be exact. I decided to do this even though I knew I was going out that night. NO EXCUSES!! Unfortunately the 2 drinks I had over the 4 hour date left me absolutely drunk and spinning.
We were having a fun evening up until that point.
I didn’t feel unsafe going back to his place to sober up.
I thought I could trust him.
I was tragically mistaken.
When I came to and stopped him I remember him trying to explain why it was ok that he was doing what he was doing. He really liked me and would be my boyfriend, he said. Date rape is a terrible and confusing thing to have happen to you. It took me over a week, walking around like a zombie, and a very concerned response from a friend when I told her the story, to really understand what happened to me. I broke ties with him immediately and tried to move on. I acknowledged the truth, felt what I needed to, and opted to learn from it. That year I only shot one wedding and it was out of state. I pulled up to the venue and I see him walking towards me. Out of all the videographers they could have possibly hired, they chose him. And I worked with him. I knew I had to. I could not go up to a bride on her wedding day, as she’s getting ready, and tell her I can’t do it. I learned a lot about my strength as a woman that day.
I think it’s important to understand that this happened to me at a time when I least expected it to. I was, and still am, at a point in my life where I consider myself to be a very happy person. I had become self-employed and was enjoying the successes of that. I didn’t view my dieting and exercising as anything bad at the time, and took a lot of pride in my discipline and knowledge. I was happy being single and very selective about who I went out with. I was confident I’d never put myself into a dangerous position again. I felt strong and empowered. It took me a long time to realize how my dieting/exercise routine had contributed to the events of that night. That guy is 100% responsible for his actions that night. It also breaks my heart to think about that version of myself that was so afraid to eat food. A version that weighed her options and chose to drink on an empty stomach and put her trust into her date’s hands.
My best friend got married in August 2019, and I was thrilled to be her Maid of Honor. A very special role with a lot of responsibilities and investments. I cleaned up my eating for months beforehand, and was exclusively strict for the month leading up to the big day. By the time the wedding day came, I was happy enough with my results. I was still struggling with my body image and not looking how I felt I should have with the amount of effort I put in. All that effort paired with the time and money invested into the wedding, I became terrified that if I ate any of the food at the wedding I would either A.) get sick because I knew how my body would react to foods I hadn’t been allowing myself to eat, and/or B.) bloat up and undo all the hard work I’d put in for months to look a certain way. So when everyone else was grabbing slices from the pizza food truck, or sampling the dessert options, I was eating cucumbers and hummus at my table. I wasn’t happy about it either. I felt sorry for myself and made up for it at the open bar. I had a great time at her wedding, but know now just how much more fun and enjoyment I could have shared on this most memorable of occasions.
The dangers of diet culture were completely unknown and unheard of in my life until I met my friend Iona. She and her partner run a movement based community in Boston, and I fell in love with them immediately. They used to be Crossfitters so I knew I would be understood there. She would talk a little bit about Crossfit and why she wasn’t doing it anymore and why she had stopped restricting food. Sounded good for her, but I couldn’t imagine not watching what I ate. But we’d keep chatting, and followed each other on social media so I was seeing the things she was sharing on the topic. Some things she shared didn’t sound like me at all. I had never been as great as she was and didn’t feel like our stories were the same. I had started a deep mediation practice at the beginning of 2019 that started to shake the foundation of my food & body beliefs. As I listened more to her story, and as I deepened my own personal awareness, I found myself deeply resonating with her. I was having a hard time putting uncomfortable feelings into words. She recommended two books to me: The Fuck It Diet by Caroline Dooner, and Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole.
It has been a year since I read The Fuck It Diet, and it shook me down to my core. So much of what she was describing sounded just like everything I was feeling. I felt angry at an industry I was a loyal disciple of for years. I felt ashamed of all the preaching in it’s favor I had done over the years. I felt overwhelmed in realizing that all the work I had put into optimizing my body was actually doing the opposite. I knew without a doubt that this was what my body and soul needed. A release from the confinement of diet culture. So I purchased Intuitive Eating and the accompanying workbook, and spent the last year slowly chipping away at the 10 principles of IE. In TFID she mentions that it can take 3-6 months for people to heal from disordered eating, some more and some less. I figured I’d be done nice and quick. Nope. This shit is HARD. So hard. Especially when the world shuts down 1 month into your practice and turns your world upside-down. I suffered a lot during the quarantine, and I did it silently. I couldn’t share my pain, and didn’t know how to. But I kept at it. I knew I couldn’t give up on this, too much was on the line. I moved in with my boyfriend during the pandemic which threw in a whole new twist and added challenges. I started unfollowing influencers & nutrition pages by the dozen. I utilized a food delivery service to help me take the pressure off of thinking about food so much. I was sick of it. I reached out to Iona for support. And I kept at it, even when it felt like I wasn’t making any progress. I kept at it. I knew my life depended on it.
Then some amazing things started to happen. I would put the pint of Ben & Jerry’s back in the fridge instead of eating it all at once. I could eat half my food at a restaurant and easily ask to bring the rest home. A package of cookies went stale in the cabinet because I just didn’t feel like eating them. I started buying new clothes that fit my body now, and even went as far as to go shopping when I felt most uncomfortable and bloated so I knew I could trust my clothes to truly bring me comfort. I can say no when I’m not hungry. I’m starting to be able to truly identify my hunger and fullness cues, and honor them. I’m starting to trust that my body knows what it’s doing and that it knows what size it wants to be. I can trust myself around food now because I know, without a doubt, that I can have it if I want to. Restriction is what leads to overeating, not the other way around. This, by far, has been the hardest but truest lesson I’ve learned in the decade I’ve spent educating myself on fitness and nutrition. I still have a lot of work to do, practice makes progress, and progress is never linear.
I have chosen to share this experience for a few reasons. First, the bravery of my friend sharing her vulnerable yet powerful healing experience inspired me to do the same for myself. This is the biggest hope for this project. We don’t get to choose who we influence, or how our influence is received. But we all have a story, and someone out there needs to hear YOUR story. Second, this has been one of the biggest personal items I have been working on recently and has caused a big upheaval in how I approach my life and my work. I pride myself on being openminded and allowing myself the grace to change my mind. Changing my mind on fitness and nutrition was not something I was expecting, and it is not what big diet culture wants us to believe. It is woven into our healthcare, media, and schools. Third, this is a topic I know millions of people, especially women, struggle with every single day. Fourth and final reason is the intersection of so many things in this experience. Self-worth, body image, sexism, science as a religion. Too much of what we think has been put there by someone else. My hope is that sharing my experience with diet culture, date rape, and orthorexia (eating disorder with the preoccupation with eating healthy food) that someone else will be inspired to free themselves from these cages and live life a little happier. Food CAN be neutral and our bodies do know what they’re doing.
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com
This summerdress I had my mother sew in just below the breast as you can see, before that it made even me look pregnant. To give it a touch of sexy I added the leggings but I am afraid that even though I have an abundance of high heels even many white, somehow they just didn't fit... but these flats did. Somehow I found that wearing heels to the ”sweetness” of the dress was sacrilege!? (Even I am puzzled?) But there you have it!
I was going for the ”big” photo shoot in a fairly small local park, walking distance from my home (10-15 minutes). I had intended to perhaps make use of the sun being high in the sky, though this turned out a disadvantage. Never the less I got SO remarkably many good pictures, even I am amazed!!! Perhaps it also has to do with me actually reading the manual to my camera.... anyway it was a MAJOR succes.
At a time I went to shoot at a small outside ”ambi theatre” that is mostly overgrown and unused. Some girls (age 7-11) was playing there and I spotted some parents nearby, a BIG bodybuilder guy (pretty hot actually) and two supposed mothers. Ofcause the kids was curious like bees to honey and not much time went before I had a throng of girls just outside the cameras view as not to disturb me taking pictures. They where extremely curious, giggled and dared eachother (out loud) to ask questions. I found that to be very sweet and innocent, smiled and told them to feel free to ask any questions they had. So soon after I found myself surrounded by a small mob of girls asking questions and I showed them some of the pictures I had taken. Obviously. I told them, I was a guy dressing up as a women. ”Why do you do it?” a girl asked. ”Well..” I said, ”honestly I don't really know my self, but I just like to, or rather I LOVE to do it in fact and being an adult I can do exactly as I wish. So I just do it, because I want to.” I smiled. ”But why do you take pictures of yourself dressed up?” another asked, to which I replied, ”I have always loved to take pictures.” I smiled and continued, ”A guy such as I who dress up as women is a rather seldom sight you see, so besides me loving to play amateur photograher, a lot of people actually want to see the pictures I take, as they are fairly rare, in a sense.” I mused speculatively as the tallest and probably oldest of the girls said (I am NOT lying) ”I dress up as a boy!” she said with precisely the same ease that I had said, that I am a guy dressing up as a women and pointed down her knee lenght and actually pretty boyish shorts (now my attention fell upon them). ”That”, I said, ”.. is far more common to see and even pretty much accepted. What I do, some people find MOST inappropriate. But if you are a girl dressing up as a boy it is quite OK to most people :o)
We talked for about 5 minutes, they where VERY sweet, humble, non prejudice, openminded and for ones I found myself among mental equals. Quite refreshing really!
As I left the ambi theatre, one of the girls came running after me??? She was sent by her mother, rebuked for having forgotten to say ”goodbye” to me in a polite manner!? - Only in Denmark, only in Denmark! :o)
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com
Experimenting with some older b&w prints of myself (taken by a friend), a red light bulb and my chandelier.
Repost!
Alteria - Lead Singer of the Deep Purple female tribute band @Alte Kaserne Landshut during the performance.
In Black & White the impressive performance of her show works even more intense
***
[CF_2022-04-23_213336(R)_ji(Ausschnitt2x3_3138x4708_KL0.40_B+W[Ilford_FP4]).jpg]
I started dieting April 15, 2012. Yes, I remember the day bc I glorified it for so many years. I started bc I didn’t physically feel well a lot of the time & I struggled with body image. We all know the cure for that: DIET & EXERCISE! Right?? I posted about my journey for “accountability” and got so much positive feedback. “You look amazing! You’re such an inspiration! Can you help me too?” I was so excited bc I hadn’t ever moved my body or honored it in anyway prior to that. Fueled by the results & positive reinforcement, I kept looking for better ways to diet and exercise for a few years. Then I found CrossFit, an entire global community of dieters & exercisers looking to do as much of both as possible. Perfect! For over 5 years I learned to micro-manage every seed I put into my mouth and sweat more than I ever had in my life. I was so proud to be a woman that was strong. And I still am. But things started to change eventually.
Every morning I’d wait until I pooped to weigh myself naked so that I would know the REAL number. What’s this?? How did my weight go up when I paid someone to tell me exactly how much to eat?! Must have been too much broccoli. I’ll pack food to bring to the pizza party. I’ll go “super clean” before the trip, party, event, etc. Everything I learned about, I tried. When information conflicted, I hedged my bets and restricted more of it. I wanted to be the gold standard and I wasn’t going to let anything mess that up. I even became Precision Nutrition “certified” because paying people to tell me what they learned in that one book - that apparently gave them the legal right to charge people to help them restrict food without any other credentials in nutrition or psychology - wasn’t working, so I opted to just become certified myself. And then the inevitable happened... it all stopped working. No matter what I did, who I paid, the results just stopped. My body began to bloat in ways I couldn’t anticipate, no matter what I added or eliminated. Physical discomfort I didn’t know how to stop. The stress of this sent me spiraling emotionally. The only logical explanation was that I was doing something wrong, that there was something I wasn’t doing, and that I wasn’t doing enough. My mind and time were consumed with how to control my body through food & exercise. Devastated when those around me succeeded with less perceived effort than me. I gave myself no leeway.
In May 2017 I was in the thick of this. I had been single for about a year and was ready to start dating again. I had been strict intermittent fasting, 8-10 hours of eating & 14-16 off, no matter what. I was asked on a date by someone I was actually really excited about. We had met a few years back working a wedding together and he was really cool. We made the date for a Wednesday night. I was coaching early on Wednesdays then, which meant I needed to start eating earlier in the day. 7-5 to be exact. I decided to do this even though I knew I was going out that night. NO EXCUSES!! Unfortunately the 2 drinks I had over the 4 hour date left me absolutely drunk and spinning.
We were having a fun evening up until that point.
I didn’t feel unsafe going back to his place to sober up.
I thought I could trust him.
I was tragically mistaken.
When I came to and stopped him I remember him trying to explain why it was ok that he was doing what he was doing. He really liked me and would be my boyfriend, he said. Date rape is a terrible and confusing thing to have happen to you. It took me over a week, walking around like a zombie, and a very concerned response from a friend when I told her the story, to really understand what happened to me. I broke ties with him immediately and tried to move on. I acknowledged the truth, felt what I needed to, and opted to learn from it. That year I only shot one wedding and it was out of state. I pulled up to the venue and I see him walking towards me. Out of all the videographers they could have possibly hired, they chose him. And I worked with him. I knew I had to. I could not go up to a bride on her wedding day, as she’s getting ready, and tell her I can’t do it. I learned a lot about my strength as a woman that day.
I think it’s important to understand that this happened to me at a time when I least expected it to. I was, and still am, at a point in my life where I consider myself to be a very happy person. I had become self-employed and was enjoying the successes of that. I didn’t view my dieting and exercising as anything bad at the time, and took a lot of pride in my discipline and knowledge. I was happy being single and very selective about who I went out with. I was confident I’d never put myself into a dangerous position again. I felt strong and empowered. It took me a long time to realize how my dieting/exercise routine had contributed to the events of that night. That guy is 100% responsible for his actions that night. It also breaks my heart to think about that version of myself that was so afraid to eat food. A version that weighed her options and chose to drink on an empty stomach and put her trust into her date’s hands.
My best friend got married in August 2019, and I was thrilled to be her Maid of Honor. A very special role with a lot of responsibilities and investments. I cleaned up my eating for months beforehand, and was exclusively strict for the month leading up to the big day. By the time the wedding day came, I was happy enough with my results. I was still struggling with my body image and not looking how I felt I should have with the amount of effort I put in. All that effort paired with the time and money invested into the wedding, I became terrified that if I ate any of the food at the wedding I would either A.) get sick because I knew how my body would react to foods I hadn’t been allowing myself to eat, and/or B.) bloat up and undo all the hard work I’d put in for months to look a certain way. So when everyone else was grabbing slices from the pizza food truck, or sampling the dessert options, I was eating cucumbers and hummus at my table. I wasn’t happy about it either. I felt sorry for myself and made up for it at the open bar. I had a great time at her wedding, but know now just how much more fun and enjoyment I could have shared on this most memorable of occasions.
The dangers of diet culture were completely unknown and unheard of in my life until I met my friend Iona. She and her partner run a movement based community in Boston, and I fell in love with them immediately. They used to be Crossfitters so I knew I would be understood there. She would talk a little bit about Crossfit and why she wasn’t doing it anymore and why she had stopped restricting food. Sounded good for her, but I couldn’t imagine not watching what I ate. But we’d keep chatting, and followed each other on social media so I was seeing the things she was sharing on the topic. Some things she shared didn’t sound like me at all. I had never been as great as she was and didn’t feel like our stories were the same. I had started a deep mediation practice at the beginning of 2019 that started to shake the foundation of my food & body beliefs. As I listened more to her story, and as I deepened my own personal awareness, I found myself deeply resonating with her. I was having a hard time putting uncomfortable feelings into words. She recommended two books to me: The Fuck It Diet by Caroline Dooner, and Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole.
It has been a year since I read The Fuck It Diet, and it shook me down to my core. So much of what she was describing sounded just like everything I was feeling. I felt angry at an industry I was a loyal disciple of for years. I felt ashamed of all the preaching in it’s favor I had done over the years. I felt overwhelmed in realizing that all the work I had put into optimizing my body was actually doing the opposite. I knew without a doubt that this was what my body and soul needed. A release from the confinement of diet culture. So I purchased Intuitive Eating and the accompanying workbook, and spent the last year slowly chipping away at the 10 principles of IE. In TFID she mentions that it can take 3-6 months for people to heal from disordered eating, some more and some less. I figured I’d be done nice and quick. Nope. This shit is HARD. So hard. Especially when the world shuts down 1 month into your practice and turns your world upside-down. I suffered a lot during the quarantine, and I did it silently. I couldn’t share my pain, and didn’t know how to. But I kept at it. I knew I couldn’t give up on this, too much was on the line. I moved in with my boyfriend during the pandemic which threw in a whole new twist and added challenges. I started unfollowing influencers & nutrition pages by the dozen. I utilized a food delivery service to help me take the pressure off of thinking about food so much. I was sick of it. I reached out to Iona for support. And I kept at it, even when it felt like I wasn’t making any progress. I kept at it. I knew my life depended on it.
Then some amazing things started to happen. I would put the pint of Ben & Jerry’s back in the fridge instead of eating it all at once. I could eat half my food at a restaurant and easily ask to bring the rest home. A package of cookies went stale in the cabinet because I just didn’t feel like eating them. I started buying new clothes that fit my body now, and even went as far as to go shopping when I felt most uncomfortable and bloated so I knew I could trust my clothes to truly bring me comfort. I can say no when I’m not hungry. I’m starting to be able to truly identify my hunger and fullness cues, and honor them. I’m starting to trust that my body knows what it’s doing and that it knows what size it wants to be. I can trust myself around food now because I know, without a doubt, that I can have it if I want to. Restriction is what leads to overeating, not the other way around. This, by far, has been the hardest but truest lesson I’ve learned in the decade I’ve spent educating myself on fitness and nutrition. I still have a lot of work to do, practice makes progress, and progress is never linear.
I have chosen to share this experience for a few reasons. First, the bravery of my friend sharing her vulnerable yet powerful healing experience inspired me to do the same for myself. This is the biggest hope for this project. We don’t get to choose who we influence, or how our influence is received. But we all have a story, and someone out there needs to hear YOUR story. Second, this has been one of the biggest personal items I have been working on recently and has caused a big upheaval in how I approach my life and my work. I pride myself on being openminded and allowing myself the grace to change my mind. Changing my mind on fitness and nutrition was not something I was expecting, and it is not what big diet culture wants us to believe. It is woven into our healthcare, media, and schools. Third, this is a topic I know millions of people, especially women, struggle with every single day. Fourth and final reason is the intersection of so many things in this experience. Self-worth, body image, sexism, science as a religion. Too much of what we think has been put there by someone else. My hope is that sharing my experience with diet culture, date rape, and orthorexia (eating disorder with the preoccupation with eating healthy food) that someone else will be inspired to free themselves from these cages and live life a little happier. Food CAN be neutral and our bodies do know what they’re doing.
I started dieting April 15, 2012. Yes, I remember the day bc I glorified it for so many years. I started bc I didn’t physically feel well a lot of the time & I struggled with body image. We all know the cure for that: DIET & EXERCISE! Right?? I posted about my journey for “accountability” and got so much positive feedback. “You look amazing! You’re such an inspiration! Can you help me too?” I was so excited bc I hadn’t ever moved my body or honored it in anyway prior to that. Fueled by the results & positive reinforcement, I kept looking for better ways to diet and exercise for a few years. Then I found CrossFit, an entire global community of dieters & exercisers looking to do as much of both as possible. Perfect! For over 5 years I learned to micro-manage every seed I put into my mouth and sweat more than I ever had in my life. I was so proud to be a woman that was strong. And I still am. But things started to change eventually.
Every morning I’d wait until I pooped to weigh myself naked so that I would know the REAL number. What’s this?? How did my weight go up when I paid someone to tell me exactly how much to eat?! Must have been too much broccoli. I’ll pack food to bring to the pizza party. I’ll go “super clean” before the trip, party, event, etc. Everything I learned about, I tried. When information conflicted, I hedged my bets and restricted more of it. I wanted to be the gold standard and I wasn’t going to let anything mess that up. I even became Precision Nutrition “certified” because paying people to tell me what they learned in that one book - that apparently gave them the legal right to charge people to help them restrict food without any other credentials in nutrition or psychology - wasn’t working, so I opted to just become certified myself. And then the inevitable happened... it all stopped working. No matter what I did, who I paid, the results just stopped. My body began to bloat in ways I couldn’t anticipate, no matter what I added or eliminated. Physical discomfort I didn’t know how to stop. The stress of this sent me spiraling emotionally. The only logical explanation was that I was doing something wrong, that there was something I wasn’t doing, and that I wasn’t doing enough. My mind and time were consumed with how to control my body through food & exercise. Devastated when those around me succeeded with less perceived effort than me. I gave myself no leeway.
In May 2017 I was in the thick of this. I had been single for about a year and was ready to start dating again. I had been strict intermittent fasting, 8-10 hours of eating & 14-16 off, no matter what. I was asked on a date by someone I was actually really excited about. We had met a few years back working a wedding together and he was really cool. We made the date for a Wednesday night. I was coaching early on Wednesdays then, which meant I needed to start eating earlier in the day. 7-5 to be exact. I decided to do this even though I knew I was going out that night. NO EXCUSES!! Unfortunately the 2 drinks I had over the 4 hour date left me absolutely drunk and spinning.
We were having a fun evening up until that point.
I didn’t feel unsafe going back to his place to sober up.
I thought I could trust him.
I was tragically mistaken.
When I came to and stopped him I remember him trying to explain why it was ok that he was doing what he was doing. He really liked me and would be my boyfriend, he said. Date rape is a terrible and confusing thing to have happen to you. It took me over a week, walking around like a zombie, and a very concerned response from a friend when I told her the story, to really understand what happened to me. I broke ties with him immediately and tried to move on. I acknowledged the truth, felt what I needed to, and opted to learn from it. That year I only shot one wedding and it was out of state. I pulled up to the venue and I see him walking towards me. Out of all the videographers they could have possibly hired, they chose him. And I worked with him. I knew I had to. I could not go up to a bride on her wedding day, as she’s getting ready, and tell her I can’t do it. I learned a lot about my strength as a woman that day.
I think it’s important to understand that this happened to me at a time when I least expected it to. I was, and still am, at a point in my life where I consider myself to be a very happy person. I had become self-employed and was enjoying the successes of that. I didn’t view my dieting and exercising as anything bad at the time, and took a lot of pride in my discipline and knowledge. I was happy being single and very selective about who I went out with. I was confident I’d never put myself into a dangerous position again. I felt strong and empowered. It took me a long time to realize how my dieting/exercise routine had contributed to the events of that night. That guy is 100% responsible for his actions that night. It also breaks my heart to think about that version of myself that was so afraid to eat food. A version that weighed her options and chose to drink on an empty stomach and put her trust into her date’s hands.
My best friend got married in August 2019, and I was thrilled to be her Maid of Honor. A very special role with a lot of responsibilities and investments. I cleaned up my eating for months beforehand, and was exclusively strict for the month leading up to the big day. By the time the wedding day came, I was happy enough with my results. I was still struggling with my body image and not looking how I felt I should have with the amount of effort I put in. All that effort paired with the time and money invested into the wedding, I became terrified that if I ate any of the food at the wedding I would either A.) get sick because I knew how my body would react to foods I hadn’t been allowing myself to eat, and/or B.) bloat up and undo all the hard work I’d put in for months to look a certain way. So when everyone else was grabbing slices from the pizza food truck, or sampling the dessert options, I was eating cucumbers and hummus at my table. I wasn’t happy about it either. I felt sorry for myself and made up for it at the open bar. I had a great time at her wedding, but know now just how much more fun and enjoyment I could have shared on this most memorable of occasions.
The dangers of diet culture were completely unknown and unheard of in my life until I met my friend Iona. She and her partner run a movement based community in Boston, and I fell in love with them immediately. They used to be Crossfitters so I knew I would be understood there. She would talk a little bit about Crossfit and why she wasn’t doing it anymore and why she had stopped restricting food. Sounded good for her, but I couldn’t imagine not watching what I ate. But we’d keep chatting, and followed each other on social media so I was seeing the things she was sharing on the topic. Some things she shared didn’t sound like me at all. I had never been as great as she was and didn’t feel like our stories were the same. I had started a deep mediation practice at the beginning of 2019 that started to shake the foundation of my food & body beliefs. As I listened more to her story, and as I deepened my own personal awareness, I found myself deeply resonating with her. I was having a hard time putting uncomfortable feelings into words. She recommended two books to me: The Fuck It Diet by Caroline Dooner, and Intuitive Eating by Evelyn Tribole.
It has been a year since I read The Fuck It Diet, and it shook me down to my core. So much of what she was describing sounded just like everything I was feeling. I felt angry at an industry I was a loyal disciple of for years. I felt ashamed of all the preaching in it’s favor I had done over the years. I felt overwhelmed in realizing that all the work I had put into optimizing my body was actually doing the opposite. I knew without a doubt that this was what my body and soul needed. A release from the confinement of diet culture. So I purchased Intuitive Eating and the accompanying workbook, and spent the last year slowly chipping away at the 10 principles of IE. In TFID she mentions that it can take 3-6 months for people to heal from disordered eating, some more and some less. I figured I’d be done nice and quick. Nope. This shit is HARD. So hard. Especially when the world shuts down 1 month into your practice and turns your world upside-down. I suffered a lot during the quarantine, and I did it silently. I couldn’t share my pain, and didn’t know how to. But I kept at it. I knew I couldn’t give up on this, too much was on the line. I moved in with my boyfriend during the pandemic which threw in a whole new twist and added challenges. I started unfollowing influencers & nutrition pages by the dozen. I utilized a food delivery service to help me take the pressure off of thinking about food so much. I was sick of it. I reached out to Iona for support. And I kept at it, even when it felt like I wasn’t making any progress. I kept at it. I knew my life depended on it.
Then some amazing things started to happen. I would put the pint of Ben & Jerry’s back in the fridge instead of eating it all at once. I could eat half my food at a restaurant and easily ask to bring the rest home. A package of cookies went stale in the cabinet because I just didn’t feel like eating them. I started buying new clothes that fit my body now, and even went as far as to go shopping when I felt most uncomfortable and bloated so I knew I could trust my clothes to truly bring me comfort. I can say no when I’m not hungry. I’m starting to be able to truly identify my hunger and fullness cues, and honor them. I’m starting to trust that my body knows what it’s doing and that it knows what size it wants to be. I can trust myself around food now because I know, without a doubt, that I can have it if I want to. Restriction is what leads to overeating, not the other way around. This, by far, has been the hardest but truest lesson I’ve learned in the decade I’ve spent educating myself on fitness and nutrition. I still have a lot of work to do, practice makes progress, and progress is never linear.
I have chosen to share this experience for a few reasons. First, the bravery of my friend sharing her vulnerable yet powerful healing experience inspired me to do the same for myself. This is the biggest hope for this project. We don’t get to choose who we influence, or how our influence is received. But we all have a story, and someone out there needs to hear YOUR story. Second, this has been one of the biggest personal items I have been working on recently and has caused a big upheaval in how I approach my life and my work. I pride myself on being openminded and allowing myself the grace to change my mind. Changing my mind on fitness and nutrition was not something I was expecting, and it is not what big diet culture wants us to believe. It is woven into our healthcare, media, and schools. Third, this is a topic I know millions of people, especially women, struggle with every single day. Fourth and final reason is the intersection of so many things in this experience. Self-worth, body image, sexism, science as a religion. Too much of what we think has been put there by someone else. My hope is that sharing my experience with diet culture, date rape, and orthorexia (eating disorder with the preoccupation with eating healthy food) that someone else will be inspired to free themselves from these cages and live life a little happier. Food CAN be neutral and our bodies do know what they’re doing.
French postcard by Editions du Globe, Paris, no. 760. Photo: Studio Harcourt.
Singer-songwriter and poet Georges Brassens (1921-1981) is an iconic figure in France. He wrote and sang, with his guitar, more than a hundred of his poems, as well as texts from many others such as Victor Hugo, Paul Verlaine, or Louis Aragon. Between 1952 and 1976, he recorded fourteen albums that include several popular French Chansons. Most of his texts are black humour-tinged and often anarchist-minded. His most famous film is Porte des Lilas/Gates of Paris (René Clair, 1957).
Georges Charles Brassens was born in 1921 in the town of Sète, a town in southern France near Montpellier. Brassens grew up in the family home in Sète with his mother, Elvira Dagrosa, father, Jean-Louis, half-sister, Simone, and paternal grandfather, Jules. His mother was a devout Roman Catholic, while his father was an easy-going, generous, openminded, anticlerical man. Brassens grew up between these two starkly contrasting personalities, who nonetheless shared a love for music. His mother, Simone and Jules, were always singing. This environment imparted to Brassens a passion for singing that would come to define his life. A poor student, Brassens performed badly in school. Alphonse Bonnafé, his literature teacher strongly encouraged the 15-years-old Braassens’s apparent gift for poetry and creativity. Bonnafé would later write the first Brassens biography in 1963. Georges listened constantly to his early idols: Charles Trenet, Tino Rossi, and Ray Ventura. At age seventeen, Georges and his gang started to steal from their families and others. Georges stole a ring and a bracelet from his sister. The police found and caught him, which caused a scandal. The young men were publicly characterized as ‘voyous’ (high school scum). Brassens was expelled from school. Following a short trial as an apprentice mason in his father's business, he moved to Paris in 1940 to live with his aunt and work at the Renault car factory. In the meantime, he learned piano and wrote some of his first original compositions. He stayed there after World War II had broken out while he felt that this was where his future lay and wrote his first collection of poems. Brassens published two short poetry collections in 1942, thanks to the money of his family and friends. In 1943, he was forced by the Germans to work in a labor camp at a BMW aircraft engine plant in Basdorf near Berlin in Germany. Here Brassens met some of his future friends, such as Pierre Onténiente, whom he called Gibraltar because he was "steady as a rock." Onténiente later became his right-hand man and his private secretary. After being given ten days' leave in France, he took refuge in a small cul-de-sac called "Impasse Florimont," in the 14th arrondissement of Paris. Without much else to occupy him, Brassens spent his days composing songs and writing music, eventually teaching himself the guitar based on his prior experience with the mandolin. There he lived for several years with its owner, Jeanne Planche and her husband Marcel in relative poverty: without gas, running water, or electricity. Brassens remained hidden there until the end of the war five months later, but ended up staying for 22 years. Planche was the inspiration for Brassens's song Jeanne.
In 1946, after the war had ended, Georges Brassens published the first of a series of virulent, black humour-tinged articles in the anarchist journal Le Libertaire. The following year, he also published his first novel, La Lune Écoute Aux Portes, and met Joha Heiman, the woman he would love -- and write about -- for the remainder of his life. His friends who heard and liked his songs urged him to go and try them out in a cabaret, café or concert hall. He was shy and had difficulty performing in front of people. At first, he wanted to sell his songs to well-known singers such as "les frères Jacques". In 1952 he met the singer Patachou, owner of a very well known cafe, Les Trois Baudets. Though Brassens had never considered himself a singer, Patachou convinced him to try his hand at performing himself. A bass player present at the audition, Pierre Nicolas, quickly joined Brassens in support, and would serve in that capacity for the remainder of the singer's career. Jacques Brel and Léo Ferré came also into the music industry with the help of Patachou. With her help, Brassens met Polydor exec Jacques Canetti, and landed a record deal. His first single, Le Gorille, was released later in 1952, and stirred up controversy with its strong anti-death penalty stance; in fact, it was banned from French radio until 1955. In these years, Brassens achieved fame with his elegant songs with their harmonically complex music for voice and guitar and articulate, diverse lyrics. He won the prestigious Grand Prix du Disque de l'Academie Charles Cros in 1954 for his EP Le Parapluie, and spent much of the year touring Europe and northern Africa. In 1957, he made his film debut in Porte des Lilas/Gates of Paris (René Clair, 1957). An old bum (Pierre Brassens) becomes infatuated with a pretty young girl (Dany Carrel) who gets entangled with a young gangster (Henri Vidal). Brassens played an important part as an the bum’s friend, L'Artiste, a taciturn, solitary bard, whose character seems to have been based on Brassens himself. Peter Beagle at IMDb: “The film turned out to be a delightful, warmhearted work, holding up remarkably well on repeated viewings, and Brassens makes an excellent deadpan foil for the great Pierre Brasseur. And the songs he wrote for the film remain among the best of his classic repertoire.” Brassens performed his songs in several other films, but his main focus was live performing. He later on made several appearances at the Paris Olympia and at the Bobino music hall theater. He toured with Pierre Louki, who wrote a book of recollections entitled Avec Brassens. During these performances he accompanied himself on acoustic guitar. Most of the time the only other accompaniment came from his friend Pierre Nicolas with a double bass, and sometimes a second guitar (Barthélémy Rosso, Joël Favreau). He released several more LPs over the remainder of the 1950s, during which time chronic kidney ailments began to affect his health, resulting in periodic hospitalizations. In the following decades he continued to tour. His songs often decry hypocrisy and self-righteousness in the conservative French society of the time, especially among the religious, the well-to-do, and those in law enforcement. The criticism is often indirect, focusing on the good deeds or innocence of others in contrast. His elegant use of florid language and dark humor, along with bouncy rhythms, often give a rather jocular feel to even the grimmest lyrics. Brassens’s lyrics are difficult to translate, though his work is translated in more than 20 languages. Georges Brassens died of cancer in 1981, in Saint-Gély-du-Fesc, having suffered health problems for many years. He was 60. Brassens rests at the Cimetière le Py in Sète.Steve Huey at AllMusic: “Along with Jacques Brel, he became one of the most unique voices on the French cabaret circuit, and exerted a tremendous influence on many other singers and songwriters of the postwar era. His poetry and lyrics are still studied as part of France's standard educational curriculum.”
Sources: Peter Beagle (IMDb), Steve Huey (AllMusic), Wikipedia and IMDb.
French postcard by Editions Cap Theojac, Toulouse. Sent by mail in 1986. Photos: Jimmy Rague.
Singer-songwriter and poet Georges Brassens (1921-1981) is an iconic figure in France. He wrote and sang, with his guitar, more than a hundred of his poems, as well as texts from many others such as Victor Hugo, Paul Verlaine, or Louis Aragon. Between 1952 and 1976, he recorded fourteen albums that include several popular French Chansons. Most of his texts are black humour-tinged and often anarchist-minded. His most famous film is Porte des Lilas/Gates of Paris (René Clair, 1957).
Georges Charles Brassens was born in 1921 in the town of Sète, a town in southern France near Montpellier. Brassens grew up in the family home in Sète with his mother, Elvira Dagrosa, father, Jean-Louis, half-sister, Simone, and paternal grandfather, Jules. His mother was a devout Roman Catholic, while his father was an easy-going, generous, openminded, anticlerical man. Brassens grew up between these two starkly contrasting personalities, who nonetheless shared a love for music. His mother, Simone and Jules, were always singing. This environment imparted to Brassens a passion for singing that would come to define his life. A poor student, Brassens performed badly in school. Alphonse Bonnafé, his literature teacher strongly encouraged the 15-years-old Braassens’s apparent gift for poetry and creativity. Bonnafé would later write the first Brassens biography in 1963. Georges listened constantly to his early idols: Charles Trenet, Tino Rossi, and Ray Ventura. At age seventeen, Georges and his gang started to steal from their families and others. Georges stole a ring and a bracelet from his sister. The police found and caught him, which caused a scandal. The young men were publicly characterized as ‘voyous’ (high school scum). Brassens was expelled from school. Following a short trial as an apprentice mason in his father's business, he moved to Paris in 1940 to live with his aunt and work at the Renault car factory. In the meantime, he learned piano and wrote some of his first original compositions. He stayed there after World War II had broken out while he felt that this was where his future lay and wrote his first collection of poems. Brassens published two short poetry collections in 1942, thanks to the money of his family and friends. In 1943, he was forced by the Germans to work in a labor camp at a BMW aircraft engine plant in Basdorf near Berlin in Germany. Here Brassens met some of his future friends, such as Pierre Onténiente, whom he called Gibraltar because he was "steady as a rock." Onténiente later became his right-hand man and his private secretary. After being given ten days' leave in France, he took refuge in a small cul-de-sac called "Impasse Florimont," in the 14th arrondissement of Paris. Without much else to occupy him, Brassens spent his days composing songs and writing music, eventually teaching himself the guitar based on his prior experience with the mandolin. There he lived for several years with its owner, Jeanne Planche and her husband Marcel in relative poverty: without gas, running water, or electricity. Brassens remained hidden there until the end of the war five months later, but ended up staying for 22 years. Planche was the inspiration for Brassens's song Jeanne.
In 1946, after the war had ended, Georges Brassens published the first of a series of virulent, black humour-tinged articles in the anarchist journal Le Libertaire. The following year, he also published his first novel, La Lune Écoute Aux Portes, and met Joha Heiman, the woman he would love -- and write about -- for the remainder of his life. His friends who heard and liked his songs urged him to go and try them out in a cabaret, café or concert hall. He was shy and had difficulty performing in front of people. At first, he wanted to sell his songs to well-known singers such as "les frères Jacques". In 1952 he met the singer Patachou, owner of a very well known cafe, Les Trois Baudets. Though Brassens had never considered himself a singer, Patachou convinced him to try his hand at performing himself. A bass player present at the audition, Pierre Nicolas, quickly joined Brassens in support, and would serve in that capacity for the remainder of the singer's career. Jacques Brel and Léo Ferré came also into the music industry with the help of Patachou. With her help, Brassens met Polydor exec Jacques Canetti, and landed a record deal. His first single, Le Gorille, was released later in 1952, and stirred up controversy with its strong anti-death penalty stance; in fact, it was banned from French radio until 1955. In these years, Brassens achieved fame with his elegant songs with their harmonically complex music for voice and guitar and articulate, diverse lyrics. He won the prestigious Grand Prix du Disque de l'Academie Charles Cros in 1954 for his EP Le Parapluie, and spent much of the year touring Europe and northern Africa. In 1957, he made his film debut in Porte des Lilas/Gates of Paris (René Clair, 1957). An old bum (Pierre Brassens) becomes infatuated with a pretty young girl (Dany Carrel) who gets entangled with a young gangster (Henri Vidal). Brassens played an important part as an the bum’s friend, L'Artiste, a taciturn, solitary bard, whose character seems to have been based on Brassens himself. Peter Beagle at IMDb: “The film turned out to be a delightful, warmhearted work, holding up remarkably well on repeated viewings, and Brassens makes an excellent deadpan foil for the great Pierre Brasseur. And the songs he wrote for the film remain among the best of his classic repertoire.” Brassens performed his songs in several other films, but his main focus was live performing. He later on made several appearances at the Paris Olympia and at the Bobino music hall theater. He toured with Pierre Louki, who wrote a book of recollections entitled Avec Brassens. During these performances he accompanied himself on acoustic guitar. Most of the time the only other accompaniment came from his friend Pierre Nicolas with a double bass, and sometimes a second guitar (Barthélémy Rosso, Joël Favreau). He released several more LPs over the remainder of the 1950s, during which time chronic kidney ailments began to affect his health, resulting in periodic hospitalizations. In the following decades he continued to tour. His songs often decry hypocrisy and self-righteousness in the conservative French society of the time, especially among the religious, the well-to-do, and those in law enforcement. The criticism is often indirect, focusing on the good deeds or innocence of others in contrast. His elegant use of florid language and dark humor, along with bouncy rhythms, often give a rather jocular feel to even the grimmest lyrics. Brassens’s lyrics are difficult to translate, though his work is translated in more than 20 languages. Georges Brassens died of cancer in 1981, in Saint-Gély-du-Fesc, having suffered health problems for many years. He was 60. Brassens rests at the Cimetière le Py in Sète.Steve Huey at AllMusic: “Along with Jacques Brel, he became one of the most unique voices on the French cabaret circuit, and exerted a tremendous influence on many other singers and songwriters of the postwar era. His poetry and lyrics are still studied as part of France's standard educational curriculum.”
Sources: Peter Beagle (IMDb), Steve Huey (AllMusic), Wikipedia and IMDb.
This summerdress I had my mother sew in just below the breast as you can see, before that it made even me look pregnant. To give it a touch of sexy I added the leggings but I am afraid that even though I have an abundance of high heels even many white, somehow they just didn't fit... but these flats did. Somehow I found that wearing heels to the ”sweetness” of the dress was sacrilege!? (Even I am puzzled?) But there you have it!
I was going for the ”big” photo shoot in a fairly small local park, walking distance from my home (10-15 minutes). I had intended to perhaps make use of the sun being high in the sky, though this turned out a disadvantage. Never the less I got SO remarkably many good pictures, even I am amazed!!! Perhaps it also has to do with me actually reading the manual to my camera.... anyway it was a MAJOR succes.
At a time I went to shoot at a small outside ”ambi theatre” that is mostly overgrown and unused. Some girls (age 7-11) was playing there and I spotted some parents nearby, a BIG bodybuilder guy (pretty hot actually) and two supposed mothers. Ofcause the kids was curious like bees to honey and not much time went before I had a throng of girls just outside the cameras view as not to disturb me taking pictures. They where extremely curious, giggled and dared eachother (out loud) to ask questions. I found that to be very sweet and innocent, smiled and told them to feel free to ask any questions they had. So soon after I found myself surrounded by a small mob of girls asking questions and I showed them some of the pictures I had taken. Obviously. I told them, I was a guy dressing up as a women. ”Why do you do it?” a girl asked. ”Well..” I said, ”honestly I don't really know my self, but I just like to, or rather I LOVE to do it in fact and being an adult I can do exactly as I wish. So I just do it, because I want to.” I smiled. ”But why do you take pictures of yourself dressed up?” another asked, to which I replied, ”I have always loved to take pictures.” I smiled and continued, ”A guy such as I who dress up as women is a rather seldom sight you see, so besides me loving to play amateur photograher, a lot of people actually want to see the pictures I take, as they are fairly rare, in a sense.” I mused speculatively as the tallest and probably oldest of the girls said (I am NOT lying) ”I dress up as a boy!” she said with precisely the same ease that I had said, that I am a guy dressing up as a women and pointed down her knee lenght and actually pretty boyish shorts (now my attention fell upon them). ”That”, I said, ”.. is far more common to see and even pretty much accepted. What I do, some people find MOST inappropriate. But if you are a girl dressing up as a boy it is quite OK to most people :o)
We talked for about 5 minutes, they where VERY sweet, humble, non prejudice, openminded and for ones I found myself among mental equals. Quite refreshing really!
As I left the ambi theatre, one of the girls came running after me??? She was sent by her mother, rebuked for having forgotten to say ”goodbye” to me in a polite manner!? - Only in Denmark, only in Denmark! :o)
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com
Club Bounce - Where size & style meet is open every Saturday night at La Fonda!
2501 Wilshire Blvd La Ca 90057
The hot spot in LA for the curvy classy and cuties who love to party! All size and shapes welcome, men and women of all races and shapes and background who are openminded and fun and who love to dance and drink and smile! Maybe even hook up or just find new friends!
Reservations or more info call or email or join our email list at www.clubbounce.net
562-243-5758
bouncereserve@aol.com