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Some thoughts on pain for those who might need this today:
You are not your pain, in the same way that you are not your illness. It is something you have, separate from who you are. It is not your identity.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is a choice. Life is filled with times when we feel pain, either physical or emotional. Suffering comes from what we tell ourselves about that pain and how much control we allow it to have. When we give into the anxiety, when we hyperfocus on it, when we tell ourselves that it’s unbearable, we feed the monster. We can refuse to let it have control over our emotions. We can cry and move through things. We can live with our pain and still lead happy, fulfilled, productive lives.
Pain is a messenger. It shows up to tell us to pay attention to something. It has much to teach us about our bodies, our boundaries, and our needs. It’s not the enemy. It is a symptom of something else. Listen to your pain. Ask it what you need to know. Sometimes it is a message to slow down. Sometimes it’s a message to move, to stretch, to change positions. Sometimes it’s a message that you need to eliminate something from your life. Sometimes it’s a message to express hidden truths, to have a good cry, to accept and forgive. Sometimes it’s a message to go outside, take a slow walk, and experience the wonder in the natural world. Sometimes it just wants you to make a nice cup of tea, listen to some soothing music, and take a warm bath.
Pain is a teacher. It tells us how far we can go. It teaches us how strong we are. It teaches us that we have choices in how we perceive and interpret things. It teaches us that it is but one part of our story. It teaches us about cycles and rhythms in life. It teaches us to pay attention to nuances, that everything in life exists in varying shades of grey. It teaches us about transcendence.
Pain isn’t to be feared or avoided. It exists for a reason. I’m grateful for my pain and all that it has taught me. The hardest things we go through become our best teachers.
I don’t normally talk about my problems on Flickr, but I’m really struggling lately so I need to vent. I hesitate to even talk about it because it’s one of those things that unless you’ve been through it, it’s easy to judge because of a lack of understanding.
I”ve been dealing with chronic pain for 2 years now. It’s not the kind of pain that comes and goes. If only I could be that lucky. I hurt 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and have for 2 solid years. It’s isolated to my neck, back and shoulder all on the right side. When I open my eyes in the morning, I’m hurting. When I close my eyes at night, I’m still hurting. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve sat and cried over the fact that it never lets up. Nothing relieves it. Nothing. I’ve seen numerous doctors, been through test after test, tried numerous therapies both traditional and alternative, but still can’t get a clear diagnosis or any relief. This week I’m scheduled to go to a pain specialist for a diagnostic procedure, but even he doesn’t sound hopeful.
I’ve become an expert at hiding this. I smile, laugh and carry on with my life only to come home at night exhausted from fighting it. I’ve yet to miss a day of work because of it. 99% of the people I come in contact with everyday have no clue what’s going on.
This week is just a bad week. It’s one of those weeks where I’m tired of being strong.
That being said, if it wouldn’t have been for photography, I don’t know where I’d be with this right now. It has truly saved me and continues to do so. When my camera’s in my hand, I almost forget about the pain. Almost. It brings me so much joy.
So the title of this photo is very fitting for me. I’m truly missing me right now because that’s what chronic pain does, it takes pieces of you bit by bit.
But I’m a fighter and I”ll keep fighting. Because a part of me still believes that someday, someone will figure this out and fix me.
Some of you may know that for the last 14 years I have suffered from Fibromyalgia, a disorder causing widespread pain and fatigue. I will be participating in the upcoming NYC Caterpillar Walk - Fibromyalgia Awareness Event as well as creating images with butterflies to raise awareness for the cause. I invite you to join in that image campaign, and read/watch through this link to learn more on how to get involved:
www.promotingpassion.com/promoting-passion-week-60-fibrom...
Where: NYC, Hudson River Walk
When: May 9, 2015
Why: To raise awareness for Fibromyalgia and funds that go to National Fibromyalgia and Chronic Pain Association
How #1: Create an image with a butterfly and submit it in this blog post!
How #2: Donate to the cause under Brooke Shaden’s Butterflies! www.crowdrise.com/brookeshadensbutterflies/fundraiser/bro...
This is a new triptych that I put together this past weekend. I had an absolute blast shooting and editing it, and it felt even great to be able to express pain and beauty through self-portraiture.
... to explore without fear of fatigue or falling
... to keep up with your infuriatingly long-legged partner
If you're a person who is chronically ill, you may have experienced some version of what I'm trying to portray here: the bad pain day. I mentioned a while back when I got covid that I had already been a chronically ill person beforehand, and that I had been wanting to do more portrayals of that. I had to get a couple spinal MRIs today and the concept for this image was running through my head while I was in the machine being vibrated. How could I portray what it can really feel like to be a person with an ongoing illness?
My health has not been great for a while, but has gotten more complicated recently. I'm as okay as I can be, it's all being worked on by the relevant medical parties (so no need for medical advice).. but it means lots of ice packs for pain, meds to try to manage symptoms, sometimes cold showers/baths to calm down nerves that are working overtime, and many phone calls setting up medical appointments and talking to my insurance company. I am tired and uncomfortable to say the least, but I have good days and bad days.
Some elements of my life that are not illness-related have been shifted out of focus for now, so they are portrayed that way in this image. I'm a visual artist in real life, and I used to work in kitchens as well until I couldn't. So elements of those lives are shown here, sunken to the bottom, with the focus being on the medications and the ice. My face is also somewhat out of focus for the same reason.
I do hope this image will be taken as it was intended -- a visualization of a bad day for a chronically ill person. I'm aware it could potentially be perceived as a substance abuse thing, so I wanted to be sure to include some info on my perspective and experience here. Just a bad day. I hope you can't relate, but if you can..... this is for you.
Wearing:
Head: Lelutka Halle
Body: Maitreya Lara
Hair: no.match - NO_CHEESE - Pack of BLACKS
Hospital gown: Sloppy Seconds - Women's Hospital Gown
^the mp listing for this did not say if it was rigged for mesh bodies but a reviewer said theirs worked well on Maitreya so I took a shot. It does in fact *not* work for *my* Maitreya body, and this took much editing to make it look like it does lol. So, just be aware, this is standard/system/XS-S-M-L sizing. But it was the only hospital gown I could find that actually looked like a hospital gown.
Mask: *Strela* - Medicine mask simple Blue
The build:
Room/background: ANTINATURAL[+] - Hospital for Souls - Hydrotherapy room
Bath tub: Schultz Bros. - Cast Iron Bathtub - Stone
Orange & white pill bottles: LD Mesh
Ice cubes: cYo - icecubes
Pepto: Grim Factory Outlet - Pepto bottle
Zanny bars: National Prefabrication - Xanax Tablet
Blue pills: Coffee Stains - Oxycodone M30
Camera: Apocolypse Zombie - Old Camera 124G
Hour glasses: Muniick - Llewellyn Desk Hourglass
Mic: MoYne - Stage microphone
Knife: Angry - Kitchen knife
Chronic Pain, Family Chiropractic Care, Free Educational Seminars, Free Consultation, Accident Treatment, Chiropractic For Babies, Chiropractic For Children, Chiropractic For Pregnant Women, Chiropractic For Seniors, Family Chiropractic, Spinal Alignment, Neck Pain
11th May 2019:
A photo with a message:
May 12th is ME/CFS and Fibromyalgia International Awareness Day:
www.cdc.gov/features/cfsawarenessday/index.html
It maybe tomorrow, but we're talking about it today and probably every day, as it doesn't go away.
The moon is the distant hope that one day, the doctors will find a cure.
Better viewed large and thank you for your favourites. :O)
new shirts from VogueHK on etsy and books from swaps with Colibry Julia , @queen-of-meows, & @modernwizard.
Insomnia, or sleeplessness, is a sleep disorder in which there is an inability to fall asleep or to stay asleep as long as desired. Insomnia is common among Fibromyalgia patients as many patients find it hard to fall asleep because of their pain or wake up multiple times per night from pain.
Today was cool! I participated in a contest and even though we didn't win, I enjoyed myself and built some confidence back again.
in dw s12 the master actually was depressed and even wished to die in the season finale... it seems that he had a mental breakdown because of the things he found out about the doctor's past/identity, and the history of their people.
i'm not sure how this fits in with my AU but all the gallifrey stuff is still a big part of his mental background noise. my version also has chronic pain from old injuries that healed badly, so the fact that he can't always do all his usual activities is a factor as well.
in dw s12 the master actually was depressed and even wished to die in the season finale... it seems that he had a mental breakdown because of the things he found out about the doctor's past/identity, and the history of their people.
i'm not sure how this fits in with my AU but all the gallifrey stuff is still a big part of his mental background noise. my version also has chronic pain from old injuries that healed badly, so the fact that he can't always do all his usual activities is a factor as well.
at some point you have to go outside for groceries and a bit of fresh(?) air
POINTED theme for A-Z doll group
plague doctor mask is a gift from @MW (from ebay)
groceries from a set of kiki's delivery service figures and aliexpress
the prompt BATH in the A-Z Doll Photo group gave me the impetus to finally organize the parts i have been gathering for a nice bathroom. an IKEA shelf is the roombox.
S!M decided to try it out and have a shower.
he has limited energy and mobility these days, but he managed.
the prompt BATH in the A-Z Doll Photo group gave me the impetus to finally organize the parts i have been gathering for a nice bathroom. an IKEA shelf is the roombox.
S!M decided to try it out and have a shower.
he has limited energy and mobility these days, but he managed.
note: obviously having a pain flare-up and needing to rest is not the same as being a couch potato! but when i saw the Toy Sunday theme i thought, let's do photos with S!M's new sofa and ... well, this is what happened.
new shirts from VogueHK on etsy and books from swaps with Colibry Julia , @queen-of-meows, & @modernwizard.
Does anyone suffer from those inner doubts from time to time. Well I suffer with constant bouts of depression growing up in an a disfunctional family. Where my mother would either verbally or physically abuse me! I didn't want to have children because I was afraid I would be an abuser. So you lot in life, is I have a awesome son, I'm in chronic pain due to eyes and other stuff, I broke the cycle of abuse, but when I look in the mirror I see this disgusting piece of garbage, looking back at me! Yeah I'm working on it.
the prompt BATH in the A-Z Doll Photo group gave me the impetus to finally organize the parts i have been gathering for a nice bathroom. an IKEA shelf is the roombox.
S!M decided to try it out and have a shower.
he has limited energy and mobility these days, but he managed.
C’è un muro di vetro sottile che separa chi soffre di una malattia cronica e chi no. Il problema risiede nell’infrangibilità di questo vetro.
Comments with icons/awards are NOT welcome.
(i know this is the same bg but it's meant to be after they've come indoors)
MAKES YOU SMILE for ToySunday
i made s!m's cane a while ago but not sure if i've shown it much yet.
it is out of heatmold plastic and wire parts from a figure stand.
he was needing something undropable and with more support, so i looked up modern cane designs and this is based on some of the ones i found
added armrests / grips and improved backrest. now he has an easier time to get out when he wants to walk.
in-story, he builds his mobility devices himself based on his preferences and experiments.
FUN FACT: many if not most wheelchair users need their wheelchair part-time for a variety of reasons. lots of people can walk some but not much or not all the time.
the prompt BATH in the A-Z Doll Photo group gave me the impetus to finally organize the parts i have been gathering for a nice bathroom. an IKEA shelf is the roombox.
S!M decided to try it out and have a shower.
he has limited energy and mobility these days, but he managed.
added armrests / grips and improved backrest. now he has an easier time to get out when he wants to walk.
in-story, he builds his mobility devices himself based on his preferences and experiments.
FUN FACT: many if not most wheelchair users need their wheelchair part-time for a variety of reasons. lots of people can walk some but not much or not all the time.
I do not know how it feels to not have pain; every second of my life is filled with it. Not a inch of my body is spared.
In stead, it seems like the different parts of my body are cooperating; not cooperating to work as a properly functioning body should though. No, there seems to be a complot, a dark twist to the story, a cooperation to cause me as much pain as possible.
Like a peloton, they each take turns being the leader; the strongest pain seems to jump from limb to limb.
Today my knees are in charge, they are swollen and it hurts to move, it hurts to walk.
It hurts to sit.
It hurts to bend.
It hurts.
My knees are screaming for my attention, but it's like listening to a baby cry; you know there is something it needs, but you have no idea what. I wish my knees could simply tell me what they needed, what would lift their mood. Is it warmth or do they need ice? Do they want rest; to keep still, or do they want to see the world and move around.
I do not know how it feels to not have pain. It hurts.
Before I got ill I used to be a promising student. I started an undergraduate degree in applied Physics when I was 17, learned Dutch, English, Spanish, French, German, Latin and Greek in high school and more.
And now? Studying is hard. The pain affects my brain and actually changes it's structure. It's physically becoming more difficult to study,
As a result, I only take 2 subjects at a time, in stead of 3. I am taking longer, but I am not giving up. I won't. I will finish my graduate study like I've finished my undergraduate study.
I did this drawing to help map out my sciatica to the surgeon I met with and who will hopefully do my discetomy in Nov!
(my friend Aaron liked this drawing so I thought I'd upload it, now you know what my doctor does!)
[9:00 AM breakfast]
Breakfast is such a difficult thing. I can't eat too much, because I get nauseous very easily, but I also need the energy.
I take a lot of pills and hope that they give me a few more spoons to spend that day. Maybe I'll be in less pain, maybe I need the vitamins, maybe I need to be able to focus. Medicine can help gain spoons in so many ways.
However, there are side-effects. Most strong pain-killers have a lot of side-effects and it's always choosing between two types of evil. Will I be in pain or will I be drowsy? My pain killers cause me to be depressed if I take too many, or they make me feel high and I just laugh at everything. The medicine makes me foggy, making it hard to do things. I feel like I'm sleeping all the time.
8:30 AM shower and get dressed
For most people with a chronic illness, showering is something that costs a lot of spoons.
For me, showering costs me a lot energy. It takes a lot of energy to stand up for such a long time. It takes a lot of energy to wash my hair because I have to lift my hands above my head. The heat and the humidity also costs a lot of energy, since I get close to fainting (or actually faint) if the water is either too cold or too hold.