* : . * ~ i'm gonna make this place your home : * ~ : .

  

hey kid. life goes on.

 

i want to change. more than the leaves want to fall come winter.

 

every picture makes sense to me, no matter how bizarre or unusual it may be; it always paints a picture in my mind. i see it in a different light.

i love eyes. and rain. and the moon, and crunchy leaves. i love eyelashes, and autumn. chilly october breezes are the best. i love smoke and mist, i wish my house was filled with it. i love backbones and shoulderblades. i love flaky pieces of snow stuck to my hair. i love foggy glass. i love the warmth of a sweater in the winter. and baking cookies. i love the hands of a boy around my waist. i love sitting at the trunk of a cherry blossom tree in spring. i love the colors of a greening forest and a fresh rain. i love sunshine shooting from the sides of a cloud. i love starry, clear nights. i love convertible hair. i love dancing for hours. i love startripping. i love the campground in summer.

 

i love the tiny things in life that can be so much bigger once perspected carefully enough

its been a hobby since i was little, and i hope to make something of it.

 

forget it all. forget everything. all the nonsense. all the guessing, all the stressing. all the crying and "why?"ing. all the unknown and the friend zone. i want you. i can tell you want me too. why cant we forget the rest, and just fucking hold hands and watch finding nemo. why can't we share clothes and get take out and make out and live together and talk about our future and dance and cook with eachother and drive to mcdonalds at 3 am and go streaking and take fucking cute pictures and just hopelessly

fall

in

love

 

you lost your faith in him. you lost your desire to keep trying. you lost everything. in the filthy dust cloud he left you in, you forgot what was actually of importance. you forgot the rest. how great did that feel? bet not too lovely at all anymore. bet its catching up to you. bet you're filled with the care you never had. and i bet its as heavy as a boulder on your chest. back to reality, eh? bites ass. now theres that "moving on" part everyone says feels so good. its not that easy, we've all learned that the hard way. now you have to pick up your shit and just say fuck it. no one ever really moves on. they just go into a blankness where, sometimes, you can't feel a thing anymore. that place is dangerous. but it can make you strong. if you let yourself. most of the time, its pretty damn hard and takes what seems an eternity to do it. but did i ever say it was impossible? no. and if i know you, i know you dont like no as an answer. but this is different, and you'll make it, i swear. all theres left to say it the cliche "life goes on". but it couldnt be said any better. it does, and you'll survive.

 

i want to pitch a tent in my backyard and stay in there all night with you. i want to watch beauty and the beast with you. i want to wear your shirt to bed. i want to cook with you. i want to slowdance with you. i want to drive somewhere up north in a cozy cabin and spend the entire weekend there with you. i want to drive all over at 2 in the morning with you. i want to fall asleep with you. i want to be as close to you as your skin. i want to feel your heartbeat speed up against me again. i want to see the look in your eyes before you kiss me again. i want to laugh all night with you again. i want to forget all the bad. i want you back. i want everything to come back even though i say i dont. just please, give it all back.

 

side 1

flashing lights. smoke, or maybe it's steam from all the crazy, perspiring bodies jumping with every boom from the speakers and subs. that crisp white shirt you're wearing had me slithering through the crowd to get next to you. before i know it, i can feel you on my back and it just fuels my passion. all around me i see smiling faces and my groupie song starts blasting through the walls of the gymnasium. i see all of my girls jumping around me and screaming, and in an instant we're all losing our minds to it.

with my fists beating the air, my fancy new earrings jerking with every jump and my bare feet never touching the ground, i lose all cares and concerns and never lose the smile that describes the carefree state of mind i've been looking for (and finally found).

 

side 2

the midsummer's sun has slid, like butter on a hot griddle, down the blushing, painted sky. stars were starting to speckle it, as if angels were flicking white paint.

i was walking, walking, walking.

i knew where. not literally. i just followed my feet, they knew.

i heard the chirping of crickets and the faint flashing of lightning bugs.

i walked down the suburban roads, the wind from the passing cars rippling through my t-shirt. i kicked at the pebbles and sticks in the street.

i kept walking, walking, walking.

mindlessly my two feet were melting into the pavement, dragging me to the place only they knew.

it was a waiting game.

i was still walking, walking, walking.

my feet started saying things, so i stopped and tried to listen.

sure enough that's just what they wanted, was for me to stop, because i ended up under a buzzing streetlight.

right where you stood.

 

side 3

the sticky air was thickly passing through my nostrils as i inhaled it deeply and indulgently.

my hair was curling on its own from the sweet humidity.

i looked down at the winding river, and my feet led me to the end of a wet stone ledge.

you wore a smile brighter than anything in the rain forest, i wore was a flower in my hair. and that was all. nothing else.

as i was looking at you, i noticed that smile was for me. we both knew we were completely amazed by each other, and it didn't carry a feeling with it.

i turned around and smiled at the river, nearing the edge of the rock. i threw my hands above my head and jumped, doing barrel rolls and somersaults and twists before melting into the warm waters of the Amazon, shortly followed by you diving in and popping up next to me, holding me and spinning me in the river. we just laughed at nothing, the giddy nothingness we felt. we caught each others eyes, and fell in love all over again, something we do quite often, endlessly amazed with each other.

and in that moment, i knew that i had become something. what was it?

purely, utterly, and completely

happy.

 

side 4

i felt my wounded heart speed up.

i knew that i wasn't over it. i must stop telling myself otherwise. i knew if you walked past and so much as looked my direction, i'd fall all over again.

that's what one part of me said. you know, like the devil on my one shoulder.

the other part, the angel, had another story.

that part of me was nearly oblivious to your presence. that part reminded me who you are, a cold, emotionless asshole. (for lack of a better word.) that part had confidence, and not only that, but the strength of finding someone better.

and here was the moment of truth, the turning point, the all important mental olympics.

standing at my school locker, i felt you coming. i braced myself physically, ensuring i wouldn't throw my books everywhere or potentially vomit.

and there you were. in your tan-skinned, well-toned & green-eyed glory. walking right past. except this time, you veered right towards me.

oh god, my devil part said, oh god oh god jesus.

my angel part shushed it and i felt calm. i felt calm.

you stopped next to me and smiled that imperfectly gorgeous smile. these words left your lips in perfect, flowing harmony-

"what are you doing tomorrow night?"

my devil part was on code red, emergency, 3 seconds to self-destruct. i thought i may pee myself.

then nothing short of a miracle had started brewing in my mental conscience, making itself completely unnoticable to myself at the moment.

it made an appearance in allowing me to steadily reply, "not sure. why?"

then your irresistible lips spilled wonders.

"there's a party over at my buddy's house, and he wants me to invite a few people. i know you're a good time, so i thought i should invite you."

WHAT!!

you thought you should invite me? you apparently know i'm a "good time", so shouldn't you know that too?! and what the hell do you mean by a good time?! are you calling me a slut?!!

my angel part literally bitch-slapped my devil part and then i felt the miracle working inside of my mind while those two went at it in a mental fistfight, leaving me with my own mind for once in what seemed like my entire life.

after a bit of awkward silence, i broke out with the most important words i had ever spoken up to this point in my life.

"i'm sorry. i would, but i'm tired of being a 'good time', a party slave, one of the 15 other girls who feel like this towards you."

puzzled, you looked at me, then down at the floor, then back at me. i stared you directly in the eyes.

"uhh..what?" you laughed nervously.

i organized my things quickly and straightened up, still staring you dead in the eyes. i could walk right into those green things, i thought. like a walk through the forest.

"i think you heard me. how many other girls did you invite? how many girls will be there? and just how many have gone through what we have? i'm guessing it's not just me. and don't act like you don't know what i'm talking about. i know at least 3 other girls who feel the same exact way, RIGHT now. now that's sad. i bet you won them over by cornering them, like me. and when we finally felt the same, you let us fall to the ground. is that right? are you afraid of the very thought of love? no you're not, actually. i know you like love. you've dreamt of making love to tons of girls. you've asked around for favors, which none of us will oblige to. now isn't that sad? the thing is though, it's not making love is there is no love that can be made. in your case, people call it sex. which is just what you want from all of us. and it's no secret, you filthy pig."

i breathed in, breathed out. nailed it.

now you seemed angry. your perfect eyebrows wrinkled. "excuse me?!"

"you seriously need to get a hearing check or something. i didn't stutter once."

"yeah i invited other girls, but i like you. you're not just another girl to come to the party. and i don't just want sex, you're wrong."

lies. lies. lies.

"i'm not the only one you like, am i?"

silence.

"i knew it, i'm no idiot. if you don't want sex, how come every time you've asked me to come over all you want to do is feel me up or make out or escape to your bedroom? or am i just some booty call? who do you think i am?"

"i know who you are and i only do that because i know that's how you are too. i never feel like you want to just sit down and watch a movie or drink hot chocolate. i thought you were a wild child or whatever, that you would get bored if we did anything else."

i stopped. my angel and devil were still fighting, i didn't hear either one, but i did feel something. it was warm and shaky, like a kettle of boiling water. but it also made me feel angry.

"you don't know me. you've never taken the time or thought to ask me about, well, me. you never asked if i wanted to sit down and drink hot chocolate. i sure as hell would've rather have done that than suck face for 2 hours straight."

"i was afraid. i can't figure you out, so i just guess. and i'm not a very good guesser sometimes, so i kind of just tried to let you do all the work."

excuses.. or were they? i couldn't even tell anymore.

"and how can i know you're not lying?"

"isn't it obvious?" you sighed, your eyes tired.

i looked down. it was. brutally.

my angel limped up from the tussle, whispering.

it informed me that i was falling for you again.

i felt it too.

i knew i couldn't let it be so, but i couldn't continue fighting. not anymore.

with these painful parting words, i breathed,

"well, if you ever need to know anything, i want you to ask. and that's a request, not an order. maybe we can forget about this."

you looked like a lost puppy. but then there was that incredible, sunshine-after-the-storm smile.

"i can do that."

and with that, i unwillingly smiled back.

"i'll see you around." you said, before walking outside.

i didn't smile, i didn't cry. i simply stood in front of my locker. i threw my bag over my shoulder and walked to my car all alone.

driving home the radio played nonstop victory chants of modern pop music, releasing my inner go-go dancer.

at home i fell asleep right away, really quite content. i was abruptly awakened by my brother pounding on the door, locked out again.

i rolled out of bed wearing sweatpants, hoodie, no makeup, hair up, all that jazz.

when i opened the door however, i was surprised.

you were there. you brought talledaga knights and a box of swiss miss with extra marshmallows.

i was stunned. "dude, i-"

"yes. we're just friends, this a friendly playdate. but i want you to tell me everything about you and by the end of the night you'll know everything about me. simple really. now let's pop this in the microwave, i'm freezing."

you rushed past me, a cold breeze sending goosebumps up and down my body, and i was frozen, smiling at the ground.

i turned around and ran up to join you, still happier than i've ever been.

 

side 5

turns out it was true.

 

you proved to me just why i should stay away from you, why everyone told me not to come an inch closer to you. but no, i was practically stuck to you. it was my own choice however, so i cant blame you. i can blame my own curiosity. curiosity, they say, is what killed the cat. oh, but i'm practically a skinned leopard. it's my own fault. but i still cant blame you. i knew you were trouble, and it didnt stop me. in fact, it attracted me. like a cold drink. bad decision, good time.

after the incident happened, i was in a blank state of mind. i was crying until my head went numb. it was not because you had said or done something to make me sad, it was something so offensive i couldn't stand looking at you for one more second. so, i up and left. but time has passed, not much at all, and now im here thinking. thinking about how i still want you.

because, despite what happened, i cant just let go of everything we had. i cant drop all those nights you made me fall in love with you. i cant forget dancing in the street, when you taught me how to longboard, holding eachother and screaming through every scary movie. no. sitting by you watching the fireworks fill the sky, the way you play with my hands, that breathtaking first kiss. i cant simply let go of it like that. but i have no other choice. i was searching for a breaking point, and i guess ive found it.

and i guess you gave me something that i'd never actually had before. it felt pretty good for a while, but im not the only one who thinks that of you. i'll never forget it, or you, it was arguably the best time of my life. of course, ill see you around, and at least be friends in the end of this. but thats all. you're dangerous, you know, like a sickness. and it's weird, cuz i liked being infected.

 

side 5

it's been 4 years, and needless to say, time did it's job.

i sit in my room, string lights and flickering candles oozing warm light throughout the room. it's been a long time since i had opened up my journal, but there it sat, under a thick collection of magazines accumulated over the years. being surprised was also another very old feeling, but here i was. stunned for the first time in years.

after a fair bit of hesitation, i pull the journal out and soon enough i am laughing at my past self. the entries from the grade school days are almost too cringe-evoking to bear, but for old times sake, i read each entry word for word.

i get to the most recent entries, which happened almost 5 years ago. i read about all of the boys who broke my heart, and a little part of me feels sorry for myself. it's soon blotted out by a feeling of relief. it's been years since i've thought about these boys, these boys i'd thought i'd never get over.

for the first time in years, i had hope. hope for myself.

i mean, you didn't think i wouldn't get myself in a mess at least once in the 4 years that existed between my documented and undocumented life? of course i fucking did.

but this time, it was real.

there were a few of my most serious boyfriends. they were lessons. bf #1 taught me what being cheated on felt like. bf #2 taught me what it's like to be treated well. but i fucking left him, because the thought of someone loving me terrified me.

but then there was him.

yes, the pronouns have changed. he is a different person now. there was a new one, with a new name, a new set of eyes- this time the kind of brown that made your knees weak.

i'm not going to go into details. when a hurricane happens, it doesn't matter what happens during the storm, it matters what's left after.

i never knew heartbreak. i know it sounds like i do from my extremely dramatic narrative entries of the past, but that was years ago. i hadn't opened myself to someone. it was young lust. but now, i've grown up. i've divulged my entire being into this person. he was my lifeline. not just some guy who invited me over occasionally and called me baby. he was it. everything i had ever missed in my entire life begun and ended with his touch.

it sounds deep as hell. but at the time, it really wasn't. my heart was full, and he felt like home. that's the kind of feeling that once you have it, you forget it might not last forever. you just hope it does. oh, god, you hope.

i lived. i don't really know how, because i've never felt pain like that. even though people have left so much, his departure was the only separation that had me on my knees like religion, begging for mercy.

looking back i don't know what it was. he wasn't the best fucking boyfriend ever. he wasn't even my official boyfriend. he was just some guy who reached into my ribs and extracted my weak heart. but really, my heart offered itself to him. it was too much for him.

so he left.

he left twice. the first time, he didn't even want to. but he felt he had to. he knew i was too much for him. he knew that someday i would drive him crazy, that he could even hate me someday. but at the time he didn't. maybe he thought things could be different. i did too. but he left. he was smart.

the second time, he was tired.

i could tell that with every argument, his patience was growing thin. that he realized that he was right, that everyone was right, that it was stupid. a mess. and he didn't want to be responsible for it. it was my mess, it always has been.

and so now he is gone.

it's been a few years since he's been gone. it's funny to say that now, because even though it's not the first time i've realized just how long it's been, it's just the first time i've never been able to let it go.

we talk from time to time. shortly after it ended, he pretended i did not exist for reasons i'm unsure of. most likely the reason i do it to him. self defense mechanisms.

those few months were the darkest winter of my life so far. i didn't know how i was supposed to cope with the ecstasy wearing off. i lost weight. color. friends. touch. i didn't know the world for a while, and it didn't know me either.

after a few months, though, he trickled back into my life every so often.

eventually, we finally talked a few times. i gave myself to him again. i know, it was foolish, but i did it. i wanted him back so bad. we had made peace, and it actually felt as it did when we first met. it felt like a fresh start. i didn't think it would have to end again.

this time i left. he wasn't mine again. he never would be. i wasn't exactly surprised. it hurt just as bad again.

but after that, i healed a bit. i was able to finally try moving on with a guy who was so fucking good for me. this boy worshipped me. but i was fucking broken. and i couldn't look at him without feeling the guilt of never being able to love him completely take over.

so i left him, too.

after that, what got me through my hangover of a life was casual sex with his best friend. yeah, i know. i do.

i knew it would hurt him. that's why i did it. i felt like it was the only thing i could do that might actually get to him. and at the point i was at, i didn't expect to ever talk to him again. everyone kills their pain differently.

this event ended up with us sitting in my car at 3 am on some summer night, while he drunkenly tries to patch things up, and i looked at him with the puppy eyes. the ones that you get when you think you're looking at the love of your life. he kissed me that night. it hurt. not physically.

now, i see him around. we're "friends." i've moved past it for the most part, i think. he has a place in my heart infinitely, which is not something i can change, unfortunately.

when he's drunk, he tells me he loves me, and holds me, and grabs my ass. just enough mistakes to reassure me he's not planning on fucking me up again.

--

my heart aches from time to time when i think of him.

but i've figured it's not because i miss him. it's because i just know i will never be over it. that he caused so much emotional and mental damage to me at a very sensitive part of my life that i won't ever be able to love the same. that i might never be able to feel what i felt with him again. that i just have to accept the fact that there is not a god damn thing i can do about it, either.

but i guess that's fucking life.

i've been coping with it very well. keeping a civil relationship with him has helped a lot, because it's enough to remind my why it would've never worked out. and the gaping hole in my chest is partially filled.

i just wanted to make a note to myself regarding a note that i made years ago here in regards to heartbreak.

i reminded myself that no matter what, it will always get better.

i'm going to stick by that until i die. because i wrote the rule. and i will fight to prove it to myself. until i die.

 

a memoir

i always think about how different it could've been.

applicable to virtually everything.

but most often, i think about how i could've been different.

how i could be more outgoing if i was raised differently.

how i could be softer i had never seen my parents fight.

how i could be smarter if i was never told i was never good enough.

how i could be more feminine if my father was still around.

how i would't be impure if i didn't have the "daddy issues."

 

how i could be more lovable if he hadn't come first.

how i could know how to love normally if you had.

 

then again, i think about how things are now.

i cannot dwell on the past.

if it weren't for my mothers strength, i wouldn't ever stand up for myself.

if i had never known what it felt like to be completely alone, i would still trust easily.

i would still get my heart broken.

i would not know privacy.

if it weren't for my mental breakdown, i wouldn't have created such art.

i wouldn't see the world in the colors i do now.

i wouldn't have met the people i call my family. the people that will be around for the rest of my life.

 

every day i learn the world is colder than i believed as a kid. but if it were not for the constant lessons, i would gain nothing. sure, losing the ever-so-optimistic view on the world and my innocence that i once had so early in life sucks, but i would've never lasted if i had held onto it. i could try, but it is an advantage to be more aware and awake in this world.