View allAll Photos Tagged unlearn
Me and My World.
Today my wife asked me what pleasure do I get from the computer as it has aged more faster than me it is a Dell very old laptop.
I think it was a swing of mood as I have had no work since February after my heartattack.
I told her in simple English I don't desire Paradise I am happy living day to day..
The day God shuts me up I will go without grumbling or complains.
I owe a friend he helped during my hard times I hope to clear this debt before I pass the twilight zone.
These are stray thoughts held captive in the 4 walls of my house.
#Sufimonk
#unlearningphotography
19h
Kodi Phelps presents "Does this Oppression Make Me Look Fat?: How We Learn and Unlearn the Number on the Scale" at the 2018 TedxCSU Conference, March 25, 2018
"If you learn something too well, it will get in the way of your perception of reality."
- Darby Bannard -
quote.robertgenn.com/getquotes.php?catid=221&numcats=361
Clocks are omnipresent in modern life. Make a photo of the clock, watch, or other device that you use most to tell time., post it then Tag it with #TP125
- I couldn't resist choosing the sun(light) as the device today!
Hello Friends
I don’t know whether completing 10,000 views for my stream is an achievement or not, but still, I am very happy that friends, well wishers and fellow Flickr friends not only took their time off to visit my stream but also appreciated my pictures.
I believe that learning is eternal & through learning one leads to progress.
My journey in photography has always been through trial & error, learning & unlearning.
There are many esteemed photographers in flickr whose comments & feedbacks are really very encouraging and motivating for me to learn and delve more into this fascinating craft called photography.
Also in flickr one gets immediate feedback & reactions on one's pictures and there are lots of tutorials on so many aspects of photography, which makes learning so very easy.
LOTS OF REGARDS & LOTS OF THANK YOU'S to all my FLICKR FRIEND'S FOR BEING SO SUPPORTIVE & SO VERY ENCOURAGING.
====================================================
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This image is free to use in your personal or commercial work, but you may not re-share, distribute, or claim/imply it to be your own.
Me and my world.
The Sufi Malang
For many years I walked barefeet and it was tough but than my diabetes got the better of me I now wear slippers or cloth shoes I hate leather.
These are old memories I was evolving rapidly.
#sufimalang
#unlearningphotography
2d
Exploring Race, Representation, and History in Children's Literature
May 19, 2018
This session for early childhood teachers, hosted by Project Unlearn and Teaching for Change's D.C. Area Educators for Social Justice, provided time for early childhood teachers to explore how to address issues of race, representation, and history in developmentally appropriate ways.
Many teachers face either the pressures to avoid difficult topics or to plunge in with little consideration of what is best for children at each stage of their development. This session provided time for teachers to explore and discuss these issues surrounded by children's books in the beautiful Halcyon Lab.
*Here I Stand.*
With my head in the clouds and my bare feet in the mud...My blood is the blood of the earth. Her life runs through my veins.
Standing here now, there is NO SEPARATION, no TIME, no ME, no 'other'... and yet there IS DUALITY, individuality, difference, uniqueness - the play of a myriad forms, experiencing themselves and the other, the creator, the creation...it's a dance, it's a song, and there is joy, and there is pain...
Listening. Learning/unlearning. Knowing/unknowing. Seeing...
*Everything speaks to me now.*
Ancestors calling, children of the world crying out and laughing simultaneously, reaching out to me - reaching out to All That Is. The suffering. The celebration. The disconnection. The unity, inescapable in the end. This IS humankind's journey...
*Here I Stand.*
Original art by Jay Taylor. Acrylics and mixed media on A3 cartridge paper.
NZ Trials training ran their first small group training day in July 2019 at Western Valley near Little River. The property is known for being slippery in the gullies, and the rain over the previous couple of days ensured it was the perfect venue to learn new skills. The days comprised one group in the morning which is when these photos were taken, then my turn in the afternoon. We started on a slippery hill which was difficult to walk up and were shown how to ride up and how to keep moving to prevent a five. Over the course of riding a number of sections we were given guidance on braking, clutch control, body position, and gear selection. The drizzly weather wasn’t noticeable under the trees and the day gave me some advice on riding the slippery conditions I have always struggled with. Thanks to Jules assisted by David and Derek. All I have to do now is unlearn some of my bad riding habits.
Jules ran a second training day at McQueens Valley the next day, and has a number of other training days planned. At present these are Kaikoura on 10/11 August and in the North Island at Lake Kimihia near Huntly on 25 August.
Enjoy the photos.
screw shutter speed
aperture on your
pictorial minds coral reef
photography is poetry
not a technical task
Unlearning photography
Is what I believe
Through your
yogic kundalini
releasing the serpent
wrapped within you
You do achieve
When you decipher
Pictorial pain pathos
Unmarried to grief
I believe as a photographer
You have written a poem
turned a new leaf
dedicated to dr glenn losack mentor and guide.
Only one of these is going to stay... but I can't decide which one. I like the paler one because of the strange, vaguely sick, glow to the skin and the contrast between skin and hair (and fraggle). But then I like the black & white version because everything, every vein, every strand of hair, every bump on the throat, is magnified.
So it's up to you.
Assuming you care. ;-P
He was one of my best friends and taught me things it took me years to unlearn. He took pride in his ability to avoid working and even had a system he used every day after roll call to avoid the Station Capt. Jerry Sime, by always keeping himself on the opposite side of the fire station at all times. It was actually work, but fun to get away with it. He would follow this routine of evasion until lunch time, then go in the rest room and turn on the faucet and stick his head under it, and cover the underarm areas of his shirt and front to make it look like heavy sweating. Bob would then come out of the latrine wiping his forehead and pretend like he was all wore out from heavy work. Jerry was always perplexed cause he didn't see him all morning as he walked all over the station and grounds. Bob was the master! This pic is an example of what he'd do. Looks like he's working hard, but he'd hear Jerry comming and jump on a tail board and pretend he was straightening the hoses, even though he really wasn't.
Duluth IAP, MN.
I wish I was more a writer than a photographer , I wish perhaps if I was a woman I could sit with them chat, find out from village they were , how had they come here , the usual human things.But here I long hair falling to my shoulders dressed in a black Kaftan, rings on my fingers, necklaces huge chunky ones around my neck , what could I ask?
See the lady in the extreme she is ashamed that I belong to a tribe called Man.
This is how I began my quest of unlearning photography.
The fuck upis when you learn photography as do this dont do that , you can kick the emulsion on your bromide base of an ass goodbye.
Just shoot dont break your head with stupid fucked up golden triangle rules.
My best pictures invariably are the ones I thought I had goofed...
Photography this kind is pure raw emotions, feelings.
For me capturing this wordlessly is street poetry...every nuance unseen registers lyrically , nothing is undescriptive..layers unfurled of pictorial bliss.
It is how you shoot that it will be read as street poetry.
Now dont tell ask me why I animated the bed in the background , that is part of my blog love story...
Stained glass experts at Canterbury Cathedral have just finished work on a magnificent 19ft high window, described as one of their most challenging commissions for many years.
The window has been created for a church in Dallas, Texas but before jetting off to the States panels from the window will be on public display in the Treasury area of the Cathedral Crypt from Saturday 4 February (13.30 hrs until 16.00 hrs on this day) until 22 February.
The Cathedral’s team of glaziers has been working on the medieval-style window, which is based on Canterbury’s Redemption window in the Corona, for the last two years. Commissions are undertaken by the Stained Glass Studio to offset the cost of conserving the Cathedral’s own historic glass but the Dallas project was not going to be without its headaches for the experienced Canterbury conservators.
Director of the Stained Glass Studio Leonie Seliger explained: “It was important to the Episcopalian clergy that the design should pay homage to the original stained glass of Canterbury Cathedral. This was a massive undertaking because the windows here were produced by the greatest stained glass artists of the time so to replicate their work would require an incredible amount of talent and skill.”
“First and foremost we wanted to make sure it would be as true to the original as possible, not only in the design but in the iconography and stories. I had long phone calls with their theological adviser about the exact content of the cartoons, different attributes and colours, and it occurred to me this is the same conversation that would have taken place 800 years ago between the Prior and the Glazier – it was as if the distance in time collapsed upon itself.”
Challenges
It was not going to be as simple as copying what went before as the new window incorporates different geometric shapes, which meant repositioning many of the features whilst making sure that they told the same story.
Areas of Canterbury’s Redemption window have been damaged and replaced over the centuries so to be true to the medieval period, the design of elements – as intricate as faces and wings – had to be borrowed from other medieval glass in the Cathedral and even from France.
Getting the actual glass right was to be another challenge as Leonie explained: “Due to building regulations in Texas all new public buildings must include a special energy saving glass. This outer layer of glass has a distinct greenish-brown hue, which meant that we had to choose brighter colours for the stained glass to counteract that. Another challenge was that modern production is so refined that there are very few imperfections in the colours or thickness and we worried that this would deaden the final design. So we contacted the glassblowers who supply us and asked them if it was possible to recreate those lovely variations that you can see in the original medieval glass. And they did. It meant a lot of unlearning for them and some trial and error, but eventually they managed to un-refine their process and produce this marvellous glass.”
The final design features three narrow arched windows with three rosettes above. The central lancet depicts the end of the Passion story from the Crucifixion to the Resurrection and then the Ascension with stories from the Old Testament, including Abraham sacrificing his son (pictured right), on either side.
Every minute detail has been important as the window is to be used by clergy in Dallas to illustrate Bible stories for young members of the congregation and they plan to use cameras to blow up sections as small as a 50p coin on to large screens during services.
Leonie summed up the work: “There is an irony in that aspects of the final window are probably closer to the original work of the medieval stained glass makers than the actual window it’s based on. Also, we did not artificially age the new work, so what you see now is very close to what the windows in Canterbury Cathedral looked like 800 years ago – before surface corrosion and repairs changed their appearance significantly. The completed Dallas window contains a huge number of tiny pieces of glass, more pieces than any other window we have produced in my time here. It was a very ambitious project and one that every member of the stained glass workshop was involved in.”
...and on...
“Do not think that enlightenment is going to make you special, it’s not. If you feel special in any way, then enlightenment has not occurred. I meet a lot of people who think they are enlightened and awake simply because they have had a very moving spiritual experience. They wear their enlightenment on their sleeve like a badge of honor. They sit among friends and talk about how awake they are while sipping coffee at a cafe. The funny thing about enlightenment is that when it is authentic, there is no one to claim it. Enlightenment is very ordinary; it is nothing special. Rather than making you more special, it is going to make you less special. It plants you right in the center of a wonderful humility and innocence. Everyone else may or may not call you enlightened, but when you are enlightened the whole notion of enlightenment and someone who is enlightened is a big joke. I use the word enlightenment all the time; not to point you toward it but to point you beyond it. Do not get stuck in enlightenment.”
- Adyashanti -
...that must happen to you.”
- Walt Whitman -
www.goodreads.com/quotes/tag/live-in-the-moment
Numbers are all around you. Find your favorite number and make a killer photo. www.todaysposting.com/TPAssignment.php?TP=451
One does not think during creative work, any more than one thinks when driving a car. But one has a background of years - learning, unlearning, success, failure, dreaming, thinking, experience, all this - then the moment of creation, the focusing of all into the moment.
Photography by Harvey V. Fondiller , ISBN: 0871650371 , Page: 280
Blogged.
Someday when maybe I don't have seventeen things to do at all times I'll worry about the dust and other crazy flaws. For now it's just how they are.
I am two days shy of three here, but it does not look dissimilar from how I held a beer and cigarettes at one long stretch in my history. Now it looks like me with a beer and an iPhone. Nature vs. nurture. You decide.
(That Baby Alive was not mine, but my cousin Debbie's. My mom was afraid the doll's weird food would kill me, and I'm fairly certain that she didn't want me touching the doll's scary fake body waste. I was therefore bitter, drowning my sorrows in old school Sprite, and of what I know of myself? This shot was the result of someone demanding "Laurie, smile," and me dramatically half-capitulating. Nature. Has to be. I couldn't have learned that anywhere, and I've never unlearned it.)
(I'd like to be able to rock those red tights now, I know that much.)
Snapcase
Progression Through Unlearning LP
DETAILS
Format: LP
Label: Victory
Release type: RSD Limited Run
More Info:
Format: 12" yellow vinyl
This album has been out of print for five years. Vinyl colors exclusive to Record Store Day release.
Scenes from a retreat in the Catskills. Nineteen visionaries spend a week at work on new projects and strategies for wholesome and sovereign living.
“I had learned early to assume something dark and lethal hidden at the heart of anything I loved. When I couldn't find it, I responded, bewildered and wary, in the only way I knew how: by planting it there myself.”
- Tana French, In the Woods -
NZ Trials training ran their first small group training day in July 2019 at Western Valley near Little River. The property is known for being slippery in the gullies, and the rain over the previous couple of days ensured it was the perfect venue to learn new skills. The days comprised one group in the morning which is when these photos were taken, then my turn in the afternoon. We started on a slippery hill which was difficult to walk up and were shown how to ride up and how to keep moving to prevent a five. Over the course of riding a number of sections we were given guidance on braking, clutch control, body position, and gear selection. The drizzly weather wasn’t noticeable under the trees and the day gave me some advice on riding the slippery conditions I have always struggled with. Thanks to Jules assisted by David and Derek. All I have to do now is unlearn some of my bad riding habits.
Jules ran a second training day at McQueens Valley the next day, and has a number of other training days planned. At present these are Kaikoura on 10/11 August and in the North Island at Lake Kimihia near Huntly on 25 August.
Enjoy the photos.
These grey and white Cowichan sweater pots represent my acculturated West Coast Canadian identity.
None of my paternal relations within the past 3 generations were/are indigenous, and with this fact in conjunction with the Indian Act 1876, this meant that by law my maternal grandmother lost her right to "be native". This included her right to ancestral land, her name, and any enfranchisement with her band. She and her many sisters, and children, were absorbed into the Canadian project of assimilation. It was thus that I learned that being "indian" was shameful and dirty; and being "white" was synonymous with "right" and "good".
Today the Cowichan Sweater has become an icon for the "right" kind of intercultural project; a successful integration story. Never mind residential schools, the Indian Act and the outright ban on cultural activities: the potlatch, speaking of language, and the practice of ceremony for generations from 1885 onward. These laws were set out to eradicate the very culture that produces the objects that are now collected, copied and prized.
The Cowichan "Indian" sweaters, as they were known, became incredibly popular in the 1920's and remain so today, with brands such as Ralph Lauren and Pendleton still producing knock-offs at a steep price.
The Cowichan people living today number nearly 5000 members living in and around the Cowichan Tribes Reserve on Vancouver Island. There are seven traditional villiages: Kw’amutsun, Qwum’yiqun’, Hwulqwselu, S’amuna’, L’uml’umuluts, Hinupsum, Tl’ulpalus.
I have purposefully used generalised "West Coast chunky sweater" decorative motifs, such as those found in popular knock-off knitting patterns www.allfreeknitting.com/Mens-Knit-Sweaters/Mens-Cowichan-...
being mindful of traditional Cowichan familial designs that are passed from generation to generation, and are not my own.
I am in the process of reconnecting with my maternal culture and find myself making many mistakes, including appropriation as I unlearn the mindset of colonization.
See here for a list of Cowichan makers producing sweaters using traditional methods and designs, and support the living artists: cowichantribes.com/presence-valley/cowichan-entrepreneurs...
Scenes from a retreat in the Catskills. Nineteen visionaries spend a week at work on new projects and strategies for wholesome and sovereign living.
Biography:
I spent my professional life as an Interior Designer, and always harboured a dream of photography. Between moving internationally twice, a very demanding job and two kids to raise as a single parent, I never seemed to have time or money to indulge the whim.
I started taking evening classes at CCSF in 2007, with my first film camera, and fell in love. Since then, I have worked mostly in film, and my favourite cameras are vintage and low tech. Recently, I have challenged myself to find the same creative magic that I found in film, using digital tools. I believe that it is the eye, fresh mind, curiosity, imagination and drive that will deliver an unforgettable image. The tools and medium employed are secondary. I find inspiration in fleeting beauty, and the dream of the perfect image, which is usually just beyond the edge of my lens.
CCSF Photography and You:
On the recommendation of a friend, I enrolled in CCSF Photo51 in 2007 in the evening class. I have such happy memories of that semester. The days when I had class, I was energized, and could not wait for evening to get to class and learn. The instructors were down to earth, inspiring, smart and amazingly supportive. At that time, Photo 51 students could choose to learn using either digital or film cameras. I bought a simple 35mm film camera, and it was as if a whole new world was revealed to me.
Since then, I have completed most of the Photography classes offered at CCSF. In doing so, I have found inspiration, challenge and community. I have met so many talented and passionate photographers, both fellow students as well as instructors.
The thing I have valued most about my time at CCSF is the community. The diversity of the students is amazing, and I have been humbled many times when a fellow student revealed fantastic work during class critique. The learning experience I was offered has enriched my life in so many ways.
As an adult without a particular ambition to “attain “ a degree, I have nonetheless managed to gain some very solid photography skills.
I no longer take CCSF classes, but still miss the energy, community, learning and fun that I found in that darkroom.
What I learned at CCSF will never be unlearned, and my time there will always be a happy memory for me
"Finding Yourself" is not really how it works.
You aren't a ten-dollar bill
in last winter's coat pocket.
You are also not lost.
Your true self is right there, buried
under cultural conditioning, other
people's opinions, and inaccurate
conclusions you drew as a kid that
became your beliefs about who you are.
"Finding yourself" is actually
Returning to yourself.
An unlearning, an excavation,
a remembering who you were
before the world got its hands on you.
Emily McDowell
NZ Trials training ran their first small group training day in July 2019 at Western Valley near Little River. The property is known for being slippery in the gullies, and the rain over the previous couple of days ensured it was the perfect venue to learn new skills. The days comprised one group in the morning which is when these photos were taken, then my turn in the afternoon. We started on a slippery hill which was difficult to walk up and were shown how to ride up and how to keep moving to prevent a five. Over the course of riding a number of sections we were given guidance on braking, clutch control, body position, and gear selection. The drizzly weather wasn’t noticeable under the trees and the day gave me some advice on riding the slippery conditions I have always struggled with. Thanks to Jules assisted by David and Derek. All I have to do now is unlearn some of my bad riding habits.
Jules ran a second training day at McQueens Valley the next day, and has a number of other training days planned. At present these are Kaikoura on 10/11 August and in the North Island at Lake Kimihia near Huntly on 25 August.
Enjoy the photos.
NZ Trials training ran their first small group training day in July 2019 at Western Valley near Little River. The property is known for being slippery in the gullies, and the rain over the previous couple of days ensured it was the perfect venue to learn new skills. The days comprised one group in the morning which is when these photos were taken, then my turn in the afternoon. We started on a slippery hill which was difficult to walk up and were shown how to ride up and how to keep moving to prevent a five. Over the course of riding a number of sections we were given guidance on braking, clutch control, body position, and gear selection. The drizzly weather wasn’t noticeable under the trees and the day gave me some advice on riding the slippery conditions I have always struggled with. Thanks to Jules assisted by David and Derek. All I have to do now is unlearn some of my bad riding habits.
Jules ran a second training day at McQueens Valley the next day, and has a number of other training days planned. At present these are Kaikoura on 10/11 August and in the North Island at Lake Kimihia near Huntly on 25 August.
Enjoy the photos.
Unlearned Lesson
Memorial Day
Of every year
The little valiant
Flags appear
On every fallen
Soldier's grave--
Symbol of what
Each died to save.
And we who see
And still have breath
Are we no wiser
For their death?
Dorothy Brown Thompson
THINGS TO UNLEARN MOVING FROM TRADITIONAL DEVELOPMENT TO THE NEW DIGITAL WORLD
SPEAKER/S: Neil Young (ngmoco:))
"Chase good failure!" - Futurist Jim Carroll
This post originally started out with this thought in mind: "You don't have a right to success. But you do have the right to learn it and earn it!" My original idea was to come up with a list of 101 things you could do to try to learn and earn your success going forward.
But at the same time, a potential client was asking me for a video clip of how I do my text message polling on stage - it's an effective way for audience interaction. While editing the clip, the phrase 'good failure' came to mind - because my attempt failed live, in real-time, in front of the audience. I then turned around and used that failure to my advantage to emphasize a key point. In effect, the video clip is an example of 'good failure' in action! Hence, today's quote!
And so, here's my rolling list:
1. Chase good failure
2. Avoid bad failure
3. Know the difference!
4. Do even more good failure
5. Do less bad failure while you do so<
6. Always have a backup plan
7. Test your backup plan
8. Make that plan, plan B
9. Don’t fear to change
10. Fear not changing!
11. Change faster
12. Know what to change
13. Know what not to change
14. Do many new things
15. Avoid the old things
16. Put in the work
17. Work harder
18. Know when not to work
19. Chase ideas
20. Keep reinventing your ideas
21. When you are stuck, find a new idea
22. Don’t get stuck on one idea
23. Let go of your best ideas
24. Because there is always a better idea
25. Take the lumps
26. Learn from the lumps
27. Don’t fear your failures
28. Celebrate your successes
29. Get inspired by others
30. View your success as an iterative voyage
31. Learn what you don’t know
32. Know what you don’t know
33. Unlearn what you do know
34. Know what you need to know next
35. Know what’s next
36. Get involved with that next
37. Challenge your assumptions
38. Eliminate your habits
39. Get out of your rut
40. Find a new rut and make it a temporary one
41. Rethink your dumb ideas – they are a starting point for a great idea
42. Find the smart idea within the dumb idea
43. Recognize that it might not be a dumb idea after all
44. Listen more
45. Listen to the right people
46. Avoid the negative people
47. Find inspiration in inspirational people
48. Know who those people are
49. Get rid of the toxic ones
50. At the same time, inspire others
51. Find the power of the crowd
52. Learn to work the power of the crowd
53. Give back to the crowd
54. Always find a new crowd
55. Don’t assume you have the solution
56. But make sure you can identify the problem
57. Try something that works
58. When it doesn’t work, try a new thing
59. Only do that new thing for a while and then find another new thing
60. Have an inventory of new things
61. Nurture those new things with your imagination
62. Recognize that your imagination is your most important asset
63. So dream more
64. Dream big
65. Dream of things that other people say are crazy
66. Do more crazy
67. But recognize it’s not crazy – it’s innovation
68. So innovate more!
69 Innovate simply to innovate – forget a goal
70. Change your goals
71. Have multiple goals
72. Abandon goals faster in place of new ones
73. Learn more
74. Learn more faster
75. Know faster what you need to learn faster
76. Learn just-in-time
77. Develop skills to learn-just-in-time
78. Observe more
79. Observe the right things
80. Don’t observe what doesn’t matter
81. Know what doesn’t matter
82. Waste time
83. Do frivolous things
84. Make them less frivolous – make them real
85. Stop making excuses
86. Stop blaming others
87. Abandon the whole idea of excuses
88. Start moving
89. Make action your oxygen
90. Be horrified by your inaction
91. Admit when you were wrong
92. Know when you were wrong
93. Fix those wrongs
94. Know how to get your trainwreck back on track
95. Help others get back on track
96. Know what the track forward should be
97. Never go back to the other track
98. Chase optimism
99. Nurture your optimism
100. Make ‘oops‘ your personal mantra
101. Know that good failure is good for you
And there you are!
101 ideas to start your day!
Original post: jimcarroll.com/2023/04/daily-inspiration-chase-good-failure/
We can reject everything else: religion, ideology, all received
wisdom. But we cannot escape the necessity of love and compassion....
This, then, is my true religion, my simple faith. In this sense, there is no need
for temple or church, for mosque or synagogue, no need for complicated
philosophy, doctrine or dogma. Our own heart, our own mind, is the temple.
The doctrine is compassion. Love for others and respect for their rights and
dignity, no matter who or what they are: ultimately these are all we need.
So long as we practice these in our daily lives, then no matter if we are
learned or unlearned, whether we believe in Buddha or God, or follow some
other religion or none at all, as long as we have compassion for others and
conduct ourselves with restraint out of a sense of responsibility, there is
no doubt we will be happy.
~ Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama ~
Scenes from a retreat in the Catskills. Nineteen visionaries spend a week at work on new projects and strategies for wholesome and sovereign living.
From my parents, I didn’t learn how to have or be a friend.
I didn’t learn to trust people.
I didn’t learn how to stick with a person, even if they are unpleasant or difficult, or to work at a relationship even if it is imperfect.
I learned how to be alone.
I learned how to mistrust.
I learned how to fear and to look for rejection.
I learned how to use people to get what I needed and wanted.
I learned how to break promises. I learned to lie, mostly to myself.
I learned to be afraid, to find comfort in being alone, to be anxious, and to be unpredictable.
I learned to look strong, while I covered my fears with work, or illness, or alcohol, or sarcasm, or wit, or intelligence, or knowledge and arrogance, or competence, or whatever was near that made it go away, for a time.
I didn’t learn how to need, to depend on others, to be open, to give and take. Me, me, me! Always, what mattered was how everything impacts me!
I learned how to take from and use people — I didn’t think I had anything to give back.
Isolation equaled strength somehow in my parents. Fear people, because they will let you down, hurt you, disappoint you, or even need you too much.
I didn’t learn from my parents and what I did, I am trying to unlearn.
Written 7/11/2009
Further reflections written on Tuesday, July 13 ...
Ah, the wretchedness of focusing on yourself and your internal distress and grief. Upon further thought I am truly ashamed. How self-centered these thoughts are and how sorry I feel for myself at times. Yes, all that happened but I also know, without a doubt, that what I learned and didn’t from my parents has made me the person I am today.
If anything, in the midst of my selfishness of thought, I am assured that I am not them. I am my own person. And although I am disgusted and ashamed of my parents’ behavior (and my own) at times, it came from their own pain and disappointment with their parents. My parents did not feel loved by their families, not a little, not a lot,seemingly not at all. And although intellectually I know I was loved, it always came with a sense of conditions, whether spoken or not, that I could not live up to. Not a little. Not a lot. Not at all.
I have made many, many mistakes already in my life. My addiction to work at one point in my life, and even my giving in to an addiction to alcohol, and came from lineage of broken people. Strength in the broken places was a mantra my father lived and I think he believedbut somehow he never changed; he never put a stop to passing on his pain, fear, isolation, and disappointments.
If I have any strength it comes from naming the sin of my selfishness. To continue on hurting others, or even blaming, would be the ultimate lapse of character and so I take my weaknesses, my awareness of what I did not learn, and what I did and reach out. For out of my fear, distrust and isolation come a raging and inconsolable need for Place. For Belonging. For a sense of Home, if you will, that I never knew as a child but crave as an adult. As I reach and extend my heart to others, I am trusting that we will each be strengthened by the risk-taking.
If it feels like jumping off a cliff, the terror unimaginably vivid, I am even more resolved! As I get outside of my doubts and fears, I can do something else with my life! Sometimes that is as simple as answering the phone, returning a phone call or email, replying lovingly to an inquiry and a revealing a little more of myself, or more importantly caring enough to ask questions of others.
Isolation only brings what I seem to always be looking for, which is ‘proof’ of others’ betrayal. I want others to reach toward me! What I am learning is to get outside of myself, to consider others before myself. Oh,I don’t do it perfectly, or even regularly, or even often enough; for the impulse to close in on myself is almost as natural as breathing. And yet although I breathe, that is not being alive. That is death in itself, to live hour-by-hour for myself and my own needs. It is to others that I am called or else this life in not worthwhile, not a life worth living. And I do want to live fully, as complete and whole as I can be.
In the end, this isn’t about my parents.
It ends with my parents and begins with,
jumping off the cliff,
today. Life in free fall is scary, but pretty great!
Melody Harrison Hanson
1. Gerry and some Baggage., 2. Montreal by bus, 3. Gerry on Bus #2, 4. Music By The Fire, 5. Enjoying the Music, 6. Island Ger, 7. Wild Strawberry, 8. Damsel, 9. Bagel Stick, 10. Postcard Shot, 11. Wishing For a Little Breeze, 12. Unlearn (tm), 13. Gerry @ the Breakwater, 14. Hand Geyser, 15. Too Sharp For Beach Glass, 16. Ger & Dani, 17. In Lieu of Blogging, 18. Pseudo-Focaccia, 19. Bagel Epaulet, 20. Caged Like a Chick, 21. The Point, 22. Last Ride, 23. Look West, 24. Home From Above, 25. TO BoundCreated with fd's Flickr Toys.