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I think today I am going to find that child and spend a bit of time getting reacquainted.
And so I have.
Been trying to figure out who I am and what I want. It's not easy. The things I know I want I can't have. I just don't know what to do anymore. . .
*sigh*
I need help.
But in happy news, I got my drivers license today! Huge sigh of relief there. lol
Random Fact : Wayne's World' was filmed in two weeks
Just because I'm different, does it mean there's something wrong? 3/11/2016. #EastRiver #Emotional #nyc #Clouds #Urban #DSforeverphotography #NikonD610 #scenestyle #Nycphotographer #cityphotographer #Life #sunset #tbt #feelingsad #thestory #findingmyself
Thanks guys! This was explored @ # 195 :)
Apparently this is going to be a week about the me that you all don't know (well some of you do :) It is a very personal week.
This shot may not make sense to anyone... but it depicts a part of me. A very serious part of me.
Everyone has a story. Some just a short one....i have a novel. I won't start at the beginning, because i am not sure when the beginning is....
I am an addict. That is the long and short of it. No i don't use anymore, but that doesn't change the fact that i have been, and i always will be an addict. I am an addict, and my drug of choice is opiates.
No i didn't stick a needle in my arm, i didn't do heroin....but i was a step underneath it. I didn't start taking them for recreational use,
i started taking them after i had my second child. I have had pretty intense back problems since being pregnant and having babies.
I have done everything under the sun to figure out what the hell the problem is, all they can tell me is that i probably will just have chronic back pain for life, and it is most likely because of the strain i put on my 100lb self with the pregnancies.
For a long time, i was taking up to 15,000mg of vicodin ( if not more) a day. I lied, i cheated, i stole... I am an addict, but i was a functioning addict. That is what this shot is supposed to signify. I don't "look" like a drug addict, i got away with not letting anyone know for years, but the whole time, I knew. I knew how fucked up i really was. I knew that if i kept going the way i was, i would eventually die. I felt backed into a corner...i still do. I still have chronic pain. I don't take medication for it, but i want to...very badly. I just want to stop hurting....
Anyhow, this is a super personal piece of me that i just shared. I understand people can be judgmental, but please try to understand, this doesn't make me a bad person. The fact that i overcame the problem, took the steps to try to fix myself, that makes me a stronger person. I am very proud of myself for stopping the pills, that might seem silly, but to me, it is one of the most important accomplishments in my life.
Ever notice how storms bring in the most amazing and huge skies? How the air is fuller, everything has a clean wash over it?
Storms bring change...
Right now, my life is upside down and very frustrating, HUGE change, hard now, but I know is for the best. In a small time, I have really gained some great clarity.
I Found Myself
It was hard to learn the people that I thought would be there, and should have been there no where to be found.. even running in the other direction, lol!
I am reminded of the guy that owes you $50 and runs every time you see him... hes thinking "I hope he doesnt see me" and your thinking "Thats the BEST $50 I ever spent!"
Celebrate Your Friendships
Equally astonishing and unseen were those who were there, I will embrace these people and celebrate them in my life.
so, it seems that the storm has washed away the toxic filth, taking with it all the clutter that stood in my way and prevented seeing things with clarity. I know there will be other storms, but I know that storms are temporary and what usually follow is beauty.
To those who were there, I love you and I will always be there for you as well. You are the greatest!
At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.
--Lao Tzu
I edited about 16 shots today and had to choose one. That's the problem with doing a 365. You have to choose one. These were the first shots I took today. And I ended up doing a diptych of these. I like it. On second thoughts, I usually like the pictures I put up. The ones that I don't get deleted forever or are hidden somewhere on my laptop.
That reminds me I have to make space on the hard drive. Get rid of pictures that I won't ever use.
Have a nice weekend!
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I've debated over posting this, much less admitting that I'm reading a book with god in the title. I'm not religious by any means nor do I plan to limit or commit myself to any deity in the near future (so prepare a bag of popcorn if you care to read any further, this may or may not be a long read).
So last week when I had the look of relief after a very cruddy week. It's cause I went to a support group for depression . . . that was run out of a church. I had a great amount of inner turmoil and debate going on within myself for resorting to asking for help there . . . of all places. After all, what good has prayer ever done for me. I'm the only one that has the will and ability to make change in my life, nobody but me. (getting off topic though, I'm not here to preach, judge or choose sides)
I came to the conclusion, (deep inhale) that depression knows no barriers and affects anyone without bias, so who am I to judge where or who helps me. At this point in the way I am and have been feeling, I couldn't afford to turn down any assistance or dictate HOW or WHERE my help comes from.
So I walked into the support group, I was a cluster of knots and feelings, an emotional train wreck, and on the verge of falling apart. I wanted to kick something and squirrels just weren't doing the trick. Anything and everything would set me into crying convulsions and if someone happened to ask what was wrong, I blamed allergies and like the true manic I am, would manage a fake smile and talk about anything to change the subject to draw away attention from my craziness. Tuesday was not that way though. I'd get that look, you know the one, that look that says they know you're lying but they're too scared or don't care enough to really ask "What's wrong?" because you know they have problems of their own and don't have the desire to burden themselves with your problems too. Tuesday was yet another panic attack. That's three in less than a month.
I haven't been this bad since during my divorce. Sometimes I just want to sit there alone and write out everything that's wrong and just mouth off, but I can't write that fast.
So I walk from the parking lot, thru the glass doors of the church, thru the hallways and into the meeting room. There are a group of women of various ages and a couple of men. I take a seat and prepare to listen. I hope that deep down they don't focus solely on just god and in my mind do the stereo-typical koom-buy-ya holding-hands and hope they know there is more science and chemistry to this than pure faith in something you can't see. I tell myself that even if they do that, to just sit out the meeting and give them a chance.
Because if I don't give them a chance, if I don't try and open my ears and listen, then I've already failed . . . I will have failed in getting myself help.
As I predicted they started off with a prayer and so not stand out I followed their lead and observed the room and listened to what they said. I was a little disappointed and frustrated when they kept pointing to certain pages in this book they passed out referring to prayers and biblical passages when on an opposite page something logical finally caught my attention. It was the phrase, not from the bible but some a famous speaker, along the lines of "hope dispairs and dispair hopes". Then they read aloud the next part, which got a reaction out of me, which by the tile of the book you see, was one of the Psalms.
Now as I said, I'm not religious, so when I had no choice but to go to church as a child I never paid attention (hey, you can make me go, but you can't make me like it), therefore I don't know the lines to the extent of many out there and I definitely don't use them as guidelines to live by in my everyday existence.
There I am, listening to them read this passage aloud . . .a passage that I've heard about all my life (and as they start with 'o lord, I close my eyes and roll them to myself and mumble in my head "blah blah blah") but never cared to listen to when I noticed how the authors mood changes from being tragically down to manically happy all in about twelve lines. Poe, Shakespeare anyone? That actually piqued my interest. So I read it to myself again and shut out the chatter in the room, mentally deleting the religious aspects. When I was done, I saw a light go off. It was like I wrote it, minus the stuff about god.
The speaker asks us as a group to tell us what this means to us or what stood out the most. Everyone had very good answers and observations and you saw heads nodding all around in agreement. When they got to me, I said: This was written by a person that suffers from manic depression, it's like emotions I am experiencing verbatim.
One person in the room agreed with me. The speaker even said that she never thought of it in that respect. I think by me saying that she knew what I was... that I wasn't like them and that I'd be the one here to question and doubt (which wasnt' the case ~ as I said, I can't dictate where my help comes from).
When she looked in my direction as asked the room "Is any of this helping or making sense". Someone else answered for me: "Too soon to tell." Good. I didn't want the attention on me. But as they say, everything is interpreted differently by every one. Even if you ask someone something, sometimes their opinions might change over the course of time. As we all know, we're not the same person we were a year ago.
As they say and I know from first-hand experience, "Life changes in an instant."
The rest of the night I listened and interacted and was thankful when they started focusing on depression rather than passages and scriptures. We brought up coping mechanisms and feelings of guilt and how difficult it was to do simple things like laundry or get out of bed and the pain we feel that we can't describe. We talked about the (and I love this part) how different religions use different forms of exercise to help with the chemical imbalances and how in different parts of the world this illness is perceived and accepted or rejected.
So I took my book home and carried it my purse and tried to read it when I could. So far I am only on chapter 2, but I do notice that the prayers and biblical chapters are few and far between. The author speaks from one that has recovered from and survived depression and the mechanisms in dealing with and living with this illness.
So maybe these church ladies know something after all. As I said before, depression like death, doesn't care who you are. Words are words, knowledge is knowledge, it doesn't matter where it comes from or how you learn something. What matters is what you do with it.
If you really get down to it, god is everywhere ~ like it or not. He's preveilant in my favorite show Heroes, hes mentioned way too often in my favorite band's lyrics Depeche Mode. Even Marilyn Manson mentions being the antichrist superstar and Tool's Maynard refers to some sort of higher power. Don't forget about any science fiction piece ~ they all refer to some unseen supernatural beings and abilities.
So yea, as I've learned long ago. Never say never.
Now for the fine print I'm not here to debate or chose sides. I'm here to learn to live my life with all the options around me, and learn to accept and live with the differences and obstacles that come with my journey. Do your best to accept this. Don't be creepy and harass my commenter's.
Soul is permanent and no one has created it. Phases of Soul are temporary. Humans, animals, deities are phases of Soul. They are temporary, but Soul is permanent. Initially, Soul is under development, dormant stage i.e. no vision, no knowledge. Then it enters into this world and gets developed with one sense, two senses and so on till five senses. Once, it gets Self-Realization it becomes free from worldly bondages and then lastly it attains ultimate liberation.
To know more please click on the link below:-
To know more please click on:
English: www.dadabhagwan.org/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science/w...
Gujarati: www.dadabhagwan.in/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science/wh...
Hindi:https://hindi.dadabhagwan.org/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science/who-am-i-realize-your-true-self/
Many emotions, similar response
"I cling to my anger with every ounce of humanity left in my ruined body, but it's no use. It slips away, like a wave from shore. I am pondering this sad fact when I realize the blackness of sleep is circling my head. It's been there awhile, biding its time and growing closer with each revolution. I give up on rage, which at this point has become a formality, and make a mental note to get angry again in the morning. Then I let myself drift, because there's really no fighting it."
-Sara Gruen, 'Water for Elephants'
There is nothing that makes me feel sexier than my worn pair of "hippie" jeans. In my jeans I'm comfortable and free to be me. If I can't be myself around others, then what's the point? I want people to think I'm sexy for being me, not for being someone else. I may not be a sex bomb by today's standards, but I'd like to think I'm sexy in my own special way. And if the public can't see that, then screw them!
"finding who you are is a journey, not a destination." - grace
a rather experimental piece... i was just playing with the settings of my camera. let me know what you think, please.
Day 1/365
You might remember me. I've decided to come back and start all over again from scratch. I've missed Flickr, the encouragement, the people, the inspiration, etc. Over the past many months that I have been gone I've been so encouraged by Kay Walker. She is on Day 362 and I'm so proud of her sticking through it. I love you, Kay <3
Anyway, I hope you will join me on my journey once again (and maybe this time I'll actually finish!) : )
I have finally found myself. I have found me and my strength and my self. It is amazing. I am unfazed by the bullshit that hovers on my periphery. I hope I am here to stay. Cause I like who I am now. And I don't know how I existed before - in a fog, not knowing me.
LeAnne Rimes
How do I live without you?
How do I get through one night without you
If I had to live without you
What kind of life would that be
Oh I, I need you in my arms
Need you to hold
You're my world, my heart, my soul
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything good in my life
And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I
How do I
Oh, how do I live
Without you, there'd be no sun in my sky
There would be no love in my life
There'd be no world left for me
And I, oh Baby, I don't know what I would do
I'd be lost if I lost you
I
f you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything real in my life
And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I
How do I
Oh, how do I live
Please tell me baby
How do I go on
If you ever leave
Baby you would take away everything
Need you with me
Baby don't you know that you're everything good in my life
And tell me now
How do I live without you
I want to know
How do I breathe without you
If you ever go
How do I ever, ever survive
How do I
How do I
Oh, how do I live
how do I live without you
how do I live without you baby
how do I live....
Our true Self is real, pure, eternal and permanent while relative is temporary. Only those who know about true Self can make us realize the same. If someone asks you what is your name? Answer would be, “My name is "XYZ” and not “I am "XYZ”. So “I” and “My” are two separate things. When you say “My”, that means your “I” is owner of “My”. Similarly you say “My body and not “I am body”. So your body is separate from your true self. This body will come to an end one day, but your “I” never dies it takes another body.
To know more please click on the below link:
In English: www.dadabhagwan.org/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science/w...
In Gujarati: www.dadabhagwan.in/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science/wh...
In Hindi: hindi.dadabhagwan.org/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science...
Layout version 22 for Forever Moore - a Dudley Moore fansite. Made with PaintShopPro, coded in NotePad. Divs & CSS. Lyrics in main image area are from Smile Empty Soul's "Finding Myself" song. Layout is not for reuse in any way.
Who is God? The one who is divine and does not have anger, pride, deceit, greed. To know how to become divine? Watch the video.
I’ and ‘My’ are two separate elements but due to ignorance, one believes that there is one element only. ‘I’ is your true Self, it is permanent and ‘My’ is relative that is temporary.
First and foremost thing is that one has to realize their true Self. As visible outwardly, there is also an inner world, which is subtle which although could not be seen but could be experienced. Attaining the awareness of true Self, we can see this inner world as separate and whatever is happening within is to Mr.xyz(one's name) and not with us and is separate from us.
To know more please click on:
English: www.dadabhagwan.org/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science/w...
Gujarati: www.dadabhagwan.in/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science/wh...
Hindi: hindi.dadabhagwan.org/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science...
“I know that mirrors give us a false sense of confidence.” I continued. “The reflection that we see everyday has nothing to do with how others see us. The glass lies.”
― Rasmenia Massoud, Human Detritus
Check out my blog: endlessmindphoto.blogspot.com
Liberation of Soul from the wrong belief that "I am George" (Iam this name) that is the first stage of liberation. When all karmas get discharged, one shall achieve the second and final stage of liberation called ultimate salvation.
To know more please click on:
In English: www.dadabhagwan.org/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science/w...
In Gujarati: www.dadabhagwan.in/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science/wh...
In Hindi: hindi.dadabhagwan.org/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science...
Karma gets charged due to wrong belief for our existence and doership. After Gnan ceremony this wrong belief is broken and awareness of Who am I really and who is the Doer is attained. As a result of which karma charging ends.
To know more please click on:-
English: www.dadabhagwan.org/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science/w...
Gujarati: www.dadabhagwan.in/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science/wh...
Hindi: hindi.dadabhagwan.org/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science...
'I' and 'My' are two seperate things. In reality, your true self is 'I' not 'My'. To find out in reality 'Who Am I' that is called the realization of our true Self.
To know more please click on:
English:- www.dadabhagwan.org/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science/w...
Gujarati:- www.dadabhagwan.in/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science/wh...
Hindi:-https://hindi.dadabhagwan.org/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science/who-am-i-realize-your-true-self/
I’ and ‘My’ are two separate elements but due to ignorance, one believes that there is one element only. ‘I’ is your true Self, it is permanent and ‘My’ is relative that is temporary.
To know more please click on:
English:-https://www.dadabhagwan.org/path-to-happiness/spiritual-science/who-am-i-realize-your-true-self/