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For some time I've been thinking that if I was given a WWII battledress, Captain's cap and stick I could do a passable impression of Captain Mainwaring (on the left) with a little practice. Certainly, if I was invited to a fancy dress do I think I might give it a go. I can still watch the shows over and over and still find them funny.
You might notice that in recent times I've commented on the state of the world and the growing confusion I have for what is right and wrong, good and bad....... So when I saw a piece in The Daily Mail this morning I was easily able to slip into character and follow the dialogue below.
Now if you are not British, and not at least 40 you might not get this, so see if you can get in the swing of things by watching this clip before launching into the text below:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAAbw7udjMI
We're all going to be beheaded! DON'T PANIC! (A short play by Richard Littlejohn)
The Government wants to recruit a Dad’s Army squad of ex-military men to supplement overstretched police firearms and anti-terror officers. Why not just bring the Walmington-on-Sea platoon out of retirement? Enter Captain Mainwaring . . .
I say, Wilson, what are those peculiar flags doing hanging outside the church hall?
Flags, sir?
Yes, Wilson, flags. One is a hideous rainbow-coloured affair and the other is black and white and appears to be covered in badly-drawn Nazi warplanes.
They’re not warplanes, Mr Mainwaring. They’re sex aids.
Sex aids? One of them looks just like a V-1 flying bomb.
It’s not a doodlebug, sir, it’s called a Steely Dan.
Sounds lethal, Wilson. Hang on, how do you know what it’s called?
I accidentally found one in Mrs Pike’s sewing basket.
Sometimes I worry about you, Wilson. That still doesn’t explain why these flags are flying outside the church hall?
It was the vicar’s idea.
Has he been at the communion wine again?
No more than usual, sir. The rainbow flag is the official emblem of the Walmington-on-Sea LGBT committee.
What on earth is that?
It stands for Lesbians, Gays and, oh, I forget. Bi-something or other. And I think the ‘T’ is for Transvestites. Men who like dressing up in women’s clothing.
Like Old Mother Riley, you mean?
Not exactly, sir, no.
And what’s all this got to do with the vicar?
He’s chairman of the LGBT organising committee. They’re having a march through Walmington on Saturday, for Gay Pride week. They’re also protesting about British military aggression in the Middle East.
Not in my name, they’re not. We’ll soon see about that. Where is the vicar?
Conducting a marriage ceremony next door. Two women from the bowls club.
Who are they getting married to?
Each other, sir.
Good grief. And the vicar is performing the ceremony, you say? In the church, of all places? Is nothing sacred? I’ve always had my doubts about that man, Wilson. Bit of a nancy boy, if you ask me.
Oh, I don’t know. I think it’s rather sweet. Two women, or two men, getting married. To each other.
You would think that, Wilson. It’s exactly what I’d expect from you decadent, namby-pamby public-school types, just like that Old Etonian Prime Minister chum of yours.
Anyway, they’re having the reception in the church hall. So we’d better hurry up with the parade.
They can jolly well wait, Wilson. Don’t they know there’s a war on? Fall the men in, at the double.
Come along you chaps. Would you be so awfully kind as to get in line?
Now pay attention, men. As some of you may have heard on the Home Service, the barbarians are at the gate and the future of our scepterd isle is imperilled once more. The enemy hordes are massing on the other side of the Channel and it falls to us to form the first line of defence. Wilson, I want you to get down to the ferry terminal and arrest any suspicious character trying to sneak into Britain.
Do you think that’s wise, sir?
What do you mean?
Under the Human Rights Act we have to give asylum to anyone who turns up in Walmington-on-Sea claiming to be fleeing persecution.
You don’t believe any of that guff, do you? Trained assassins from Isil are pretending to be refugees in order to murder us all in our beds.
(Corporal Jones): Permission to interject, Mr Mainwaring.
Go ahead, Jones.
What’s Isil?
(Pike): It’s that shiny toilet paper, silly, ever so hard, like what you get at school and in public conveniences. My mum doesn’t like me using it, says it’s unhygienic and it don’t half chafe . . .
Shut up, Pike, you stupid boy. Anyway, that’s not Isil, that’s Izal. Isil, or Isis, or Islamic State, is a terrorist organisation dedicated to the overthrow of Western society. And it’s our job to stop them.
Excuse me, Mr Mainwaring.
What is it now, Wilson?
Apparently, we can’t call them Islamic State any more. The mayor has had a complaint from the local mosque saying that what’s going on in Syria hasn’t got anything to do with Islam.
So what are we supposed to call them?
Dish-dash, dish-cloth. Something like that.
I’ve never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life. Now get along to the ferry terminal and take Godfrey with you.
(Godfrey): My sister Dolly’s at the ferry terminal, Mr Mainwaring, handing out upside-down cakes to the migrants. She says they must be starving after travelling all the way from Afghanistan.
For heaven’s sake, man. We shouldn’t be rolling out the red carpet for these people. How do we know they’re not Fifth Columnists planning to attack sunbathers on Walmington beach?
(Jones): Permission to speak, sir. I’d like to volunteer to stop them, Mr Mainwaring. I served in Libya and the Sudan during the last lot. Fierce fighting people, they are, very keen on beheading. But they don’t like it up ’em, Mr Mainwaring. Those fuzzy-wuzzies do not like it up ’em.
(Wilson): Er, I don’t think we can say fuzzy-wuzzies any more, either. Not on the BBC. Terribly racist, these days.
I thought we’d already been banned from the BBC, Wilson.
Not yet, sir. That’s It Ain’t Half Hot, Mum.
So it is. Now then, men. I have received a letter from the Commissioner of the Metropolitan Police, who is anxious to recruit experienced snipers to supplement his firearms officers.
(Pike): I’d like to volunteer to be a sniper, Mr Mainwaring.
You haven’t got any experience, Pike.
I’ve seen that new film American Sniper at the Roxy, directed by Clint Eastwood and starring Bradley Cooper, who was in The Hangover and is now the Elephant Man, he’s this crack marksman who is sent to Iraq to kill terrorists and there’s this scene where he’s on a roof and he’s about to shoot the world’s most wanted man from about a mile away, but just as he’s taking aim his wife calls him on the mobile to moan about the fridge being broken or something, then he gets sent home suffering from PMT. It would have been better if it had starred Clint Eastwood as the sniper, even though he’s over 80, he was brilliant in Dirty Harry — ‘Go ahead, punk, make my day’ — and the special effects are great especially when people’s heads explode. I could do that, please Captain Mainwaring.
Stupid boy.
(Enter Private Walker): Evenin’, Mr Mainwaring, sorry I’m late.
Where have you been?
Well, I popped over to Calais on a booze cruise. You can save a small fortune if you know the right people, get my drift. Practically giving it away, they are. You won’t catch me voting to leave the EU in the referendum. I’ve got some very nice Beaujolais Nouveau, if you’re interested, fiver a bottle to you, Mr M . . .
Get on with it, Walker.
Anyway, when I got to the port to catch the ferry home, the lorries was all backed up for miles because of a strike and there was thousands of young foreign blokes trying to break into containers and hide in the luggage compartments of coaches. They was coming from all over the place, wave after wave, like in Zulu.
(Pike): That’s one of my favourites, Joe, with Michael Caine and Stanley Baker and Dave, the barman from Minder. Not a lot of people know that.
I won’t tell you again, Pike. Is there a point to this story, Walker?
Sorry, Captain. Anyway, this is three days ago. It was like we’d all been taken hostage. Finally, I gets back to the lock-up and as soon as I pull in, half a dozen geezers in black tracksuits and balaclavas jump out of the back of the van, waving Kalashnikovs, and starts running in the direction of the dual carriageway, shouting ‘Allo Acton’ or something. So I phones the Old Bill and Warden Hodges but they sez there’s nuffink they can do ’cos of yuman rites and elf’n’safety an’ that, and then they only goes an’ threatens to fine me two grand a head for bringing them in, bloody cheek. So I bungs ’em both a case of Chateau Collapso and Bob’s yer mother’s wossname. Them foreign geezers, though, whoever they are, probably half way to Toddington Services by now.
(Jones): We’re all going to be beheaded! Don’t panic! Don’t panic!
(Private Fraser): We’re doomed. We’re all doomed!
VARPALOTA TRAINING AREA, Hungary - A Soldier from the 11th Royal Netherlands Army Maneuver Brigade conducting a dismounted patrol calls out orders during Exercise Saker Falcon 2014 here, April 2. Saker Falcon is a multinational training exercise involving roughly 200 Soldiers from U.S. Army Europe's 12th Combat Aviation Brigade, two Dutch Air Assault battalions, and Hungarian military forces. The objectives of the training include enhancing joint combined interoperability with allied and partner nations and preparing participants to operate in a joint, multinational, integrated environment with support from Hungarian governmental agencies. Saker Falcon, underway from April 3 through April 17, reinforces U.S. Army Europe's strategic objectives to increase regional flexibility, preserve and enhance NATO interoperability, and facilitate multinational training. (U.S. Army Europe photo by Spc. Joshua Leonard)
When storms are off the Florida coast, our waves become driving, and dangerous. These, seen near the jetty at Ponce Inlet, were coming in too close together for surfers to ride them, and hit the rocks with a force that caused 10-15 foot spashes of water!
This was at low tide, so you can imagine what they were like earlier in the day.
Australian Army machine gunners of 1st Battalion, Royal Australian Regiment, observe friendly platoon movements from a support by fire position at range 10, Pohakuloa Training Area during platoon-size live-fire assaults as part of Rim of the Pacific 2012, July 19. A Company of Australian Soldiers is attached to the ground combat element of Special-Purpose Marine Air-Ground Task Force 3, Combined Force Land Component Command. Approximately 2,200 personnel from nine nations form the RIMPAC land component and are conducting amphibious and land-based operations in order to enhance multinational and joint interoperability.
The Dutch branch of the Salvation Army started 125 years ago....
Please no BIG glossy invites and awards!
A U.S. Army Paratrooper, assigned to 2nd Battalion, 503rd Infantry Regiment, 173rd Airborne Brigade, set up a security perimeter during a combined arms live fire exercise at Grafenwoehr Training Area, Germany, Feb. 6, 2017. The 173rd Airborne Brigade is the U.S. Army's Contingency Response Force in Europe, providing rapid forces to the United States European, Africa and Central Commands areas of responsibilities. (U.S. Army photo by Visual Information Specialist Matthias Fruth)
On Friday we had the Army Birthday run
The actual birthday was the 14th but running on a Tuesday just doesn't work
Unit runs happen on Fridays
Its the way
We ran through Arlington
it was both awesome and sobering
I always love to see the grave sites of the guys who made it to retirement
I am always sad when I see the graves for 18 year olds and "loving father and husband"
Leister's Barn at General Meade's Union Army Headquarters - Gettysburg National Military Park - Gettysburg PA
M113AS4 armoured fighting vehicles from Darwin based 1st Brigade move through thick dust at Shoalwater Bay during Exercise Predator's Strike.
Deep Caption: Exercise PREDATOR’S STRIKE, held from the 11th to the 19th of June 2012 at the Shoalwater Bay Training Area in Queensland, is the final brigade level exercise for the Darwin based 1st Brigade, prior to Exercise Hamel 12.
The exercise provided an opportunity for 1st Brigade Battlegroups to focus on Combat Team level combined arms integration around a series of demanding force on force and live fire activities, testing all aspects of fighting against a near peer enemy in a complex environment.
The exercise marked the first night operations conducted by the new Army Reconnaissance Helicopter or ARH Tiger.
1st Brigade will changeover to Exercise Hamel 12 where they will achieve certification to Army Training Level/S 7, ready to commence operations.
Photography by: Leading Seaman Andrew Dakin, 1st Joint Public Affairs Unit.
U.S. Army Trooper assigned to 2nd Squadron, 14th Calvary Regiment, 2nd Infantry Brigade Combat Team, 25th Infantry Division provides cover-fire during a Combined Arms Live Fire Exercise (CALFEX) at Pohakuloa Training Area, Hawaii, May 15, 2018. The CALFEX utilizes all the enablers available to the unit in order to increase interoperability, concentrate combat power and mass effects on the objective. (U.S. Army photo by 1st Lt. Ryan DeBooy)
Australian Army special forces soldier from 1st Commando Regiment during Exercise Diamond Strike at Shoalwater Bay training area, Queensland, in June 2015.
Here is a little pic of my entire french army, which is the largest I found on the internet, (if someone have a bigger one I would love you to tell me), It is composed of a section made with a command group in the front and 2 combat groups on each side and a senegalses tirailleur fire team. There is also a group of tank driver in the back along with 3 french pilots next to them. In total it is made out of 48 men including 35 combat geared soldiers, 1 great officer, 3 pilots, 7 tank drivers and 1 mechanic.. I disposed all of these men according to how it was made IRL, so everybody has a specific role which existed in 1940. I will upload pictures of each element with more detailed info :)
1st Battalion The Duke of Lancaster's Regiment Battlegroup have completed the first phase of their test exercise at the British Army Training Unit in Kenya (BATUK).
Phase one is known as Ex ASKARI WARRIOR where the north west infantry soldiers conduct live firing from weapon zeroing, through individual, pairs, fire team, section and platoon attacks by day and night. Live Fire Tactical Training (or LFTT for short) is the most valuable training an infantry soldier conducts.
Their next phase is called Ex ASKARI CENTURION and sees them progress up to Company live fire scenarios. Support Company will be attached and provide fire support using their sniper rifles, mortar, machine guns and anti-tank missile systems. Additionally, the Royal Artillery provide fire support, along with many supporting units. Opposing forces (OpFor) are being provided by the Light Dragoons and 4 LANCS amongst others
Photo: British Army
Former US Army bird now converted for civilian firefighting use. Operated by HeliQwest International out of Broomfield, Colorado.
Australian Army soldiers from 2nd Combat Engineer Regiment provide supporting fire as part of an 'attack' during Exercise Haringaroo near Kota Bharu, Malaysia, on 27 May 2016.
Dutch soldiers conduct an assault in an urban environment during Exercise Allied Spirit I at the U.S. Army Joint Multinational Readiness Center's Hohenfels Training Area, Germany, Jan. 20, 2015. Exercise Allied Spirit includes more than 2,000 participants from Canada, Hungary, Netherlands, United Kingdom, and the United States. Allied Spirit is exercising tactical interoperability and testing secure communications among Alliance members. (U.S. Army photo by Visual Information Specialist Markus Rauchenberger/released)
ARMY OSHKOSH
Heavy Equipment Transporter
18 KM 63. H2
in a convoy on exercise on Salisbury Plain Training Area. SPTA
Exercise Pashtun Dagger
Lithuanian Army Infantry Soldiers during a training course at the Infantry Training Centre
Photos: Kestucio Batalionas
Nuotraukos srž. Vidas Stašaitis.
Army 230, 0-4-0DM, Drewry Car Co.2184 - Vulcan Foundry 5265, Built 1945, brings a single VEA wagon out of Moreton-on-Lugg army depot, 12th August 1986. More history of the loco can be found on Andrew Briddons website, here www.andrewbriddonlocos.co.uk/locos/drewry-vulcan-foundry/...
Australian Army special forces soldiers from 2nd Commando Regiment conduct clearance of a Sydney ferry, as part of a Special Operations Command maritime counter-terrorism training activity on Sydney Harbour, on Wednesday, 24 June 2020.
Exercise Mars Toothfish is essential Australian Army training that ensures the Australian Defence Force is ready to defend Australia and its national interests. The training activity was conducted using strict COVID-19 protocols.
The Mars series of counter-terrorism training activities are designed to build and maintain the skills of 2nd Commando Regiment's Tactical Assault Group - East (TAG-East), a short-notice counter-terrorist force, able to respond to a terrorist incident of national importance or in support of state and territory-based police.
2nd Commando Regiment is part of Special Forces Group, a brigade-level formation within the Australian Army's Special Operations Command.
Photos: Cpl Sagi Biderman