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Another selfie taken on the evening of 25 November 2018 using my phone’s camera. I increasingly desire to spend more time out in the world as a woman. I should say for the record, my last (and first) trip out in public dressed as a woman was back in May 2017. That trip out precipitated a huge change within me. I found I had broken free of a lifelong inhibition and inner fear of the knowledge that deep down I wanted to be a woman.
Walking across a village square in the gentle warm breeze of an early summers day in Perthshire, Scotland I felt elation like I had never previously experienced in my life. I was finally a woman! I was outside, as a woman, walking in public and passing other people and I was amazed it was happening. The euphoria of that day still lingers within me despite the passage of time, I was free! The real me was free and out there!
I reacted emotionally in a way I never do as a man and was rather overcome. I don’t mind admitting that despite my joy, I was also a bit tearful for having wasted so many years avoiding this moment and I had only myself to blame for that.
After my day out as a woman in the Perthshire countryside everything changed in my head, I knew from now on I could actually do this, I could venture out as a woman. I have no intention of transitioning despite knowing I am transsexual as I have a life I do not wish give up and people who are precious to me and mean more to me than my own desire to be female. I can settle for being honest with myself and the occasional trip out as a woman.
One of the effects from that day has been a real need to try and look female physically. This means not just my body but also my face. This is, I admit, a bit of a problem. I have worked on my body physicality a lot over the last year and I am fortunate to be small for a man and not too masculine to start with. In a few weeks I will be 60 years of age so time is against me, I left all of this far too late, why oh why did I not do this when I was 18? I was terrified and full of fear about it, that’s why! I let that fear control me and squander my opportunities.
Now my face is ageing, I don’t have feminine skin and I do have to make compromises so my regular male appearance does not show too many obvious signs that I prefer to feminise my appearance. This is a concession to my family as I know I would push it a lot further left to my own motivations.
I will confess I now have an obsession about wanting to pass in bright daylight as a woman. This means if I am close to people, such as an exchange in a shop or cafe with other people, I want to look female facially even if I have less than ideal skin. My beard area is not at all smooth and requires a lot of make-up to disguise the dark shadow. I enjoy wearing make-up, it does boost my confidence so I’m okay with wearing somewhat heavier make-up compared to what many women may apply to their faces. I have noticed there are a lot of women who wear similar amounts of make-up as I do so I can happily fit myself into that group of women, I’m not self conscious about it.
All of this inner desire to pass as a woman in the real world has led me to taking selfies in less than ideal lighting to try and reveal the realties of my appearance when I cross-dress as a woman. I am not young, I’m not a babe, I’m not gorgeous, I have lines on my face, but I wonder can I do it? Can I look female despite my limitations and the fact I am a man?
All of this is a huge motivation for me to push myself as far as I can physically and mentally to assume a female appearance and persona and to modify my behaviour so that when I become Helene I can switch gender completely, albeit I admit, on a temporary basis.
The Sunday evening I dressed and became Helene, my female alter-ego, I wore a dress I had bought a few months ago and been saving for my next cross-dressing opportunity. It was fitted scoop neck dress with a zip up front, three quarter length sleeves in a shade of blue I thought may suit me. I partnered the dress with a pair of yellow sling-back platform shoes and chose a longer hair style from wig collection. I was keen to see if my efforts to lose weight and achieve a slimmer physical body would work. I had been steadily losing weight for many months but fearful of making myself ill so I put in an effort to stay fit and healthy and eat as healthily as possible. I have managed to stop eating any kind of junk food, no more chocolate, no more biscuits, no more cakes. Sounds grim? Actually, it’s not bad once you manage to lose the craving and I switched to eating fruit when previously I may have gone in for a wee snack of chocolate or cakes.
All of this reaped its reward for me as after applying my make-up when I slipped on the blue dress and zipped it up, donned my wig and fastened the straps on my sling back high heels and stepped in front of the mirror I was overcome. I do require the addition of breast forms and a hip shaper but I felt I had finally got a female silhouette in terms of body shape. I had completely shaved off all my body hair, which felt absolutely incredible after not having done so for over a year and a half. Now, it was all down to the limitations of my face, the one aspect I can’t do much with apart from try and change it with make-up.
I was rushing, due to my inner excitement, so abandoned shaping my eyebrows a bit too early now I see this picture. Next time I will be more disciplined.
I did take a lot of selfies that evening for the reasons I outlined earlier and they came out a bit grainy due to the low light levels in the room, it is winter now here in Scotland and my cross-dressing opportunity came in the evening so there was no daylight to work with. I have quite a few pictures from that evening and I recorded a few musings on video as I was so excited I simply had to chat about it and the camera became my listener. I did edit a video from ramblings recorded that evening but i exceeded the Flickr maximum running time of 3 minutes, the video is 5 minutes. Should anyone have any interest in seeing it (it is indulgent) it is on You Tube here: youtu.be/FZfQf4IXGD0
For all of the pictures and videos I recorded that evening I used my phone and despite the lower light (not ideal for quality photos) I liked the immediacy and simplicity it gave me in just being able to record something very quickly, it was all rather spontaneous. I intend to explore using my phone a lot more in the future for pictures and video recording in regard to my cross-dressing.
I will finish by saying I am still thrilled and elated from my last cross-dressing session and I am very excited about the coming year. In 2019 I intend to take my female self further than before I venture out as a woman once more. Having got over the barrier last year, I genuinely can’t wait to be out and about as Helene walking amongst others and interacting as a woman. Next year is going to be fun :-)
Sunwing Airlines and Air Transat aircraft stored at Hamilton International Airport (YHM) during the COVID-19 shutdown
Sunwing Airlines B-737-800 C-FLSW / C-FTDW
Air Transat A-321-200 C-GEZD
8184, 8153 and 8109 power through the Great Dividing Range away from Kilmore East towards Wandong as 6CM5 to Geelong for unloading.
8184 and the 6 VHGF wagons were left behind, whilst 8153 and 8106 plus the (now empty) NGPF wagons returned to Cootamundra for New South Wales working.
Friday 30th September 2016
Jericoacoara, Ceará, Brazil - Jan, 2007______
I like this photo so much, it's from the last time I traveled on vacation... very different times, my father was alive and I could have never imagined what was waiting for me a couple of months after that.
I'm posting this photo today to remind myself that better ones will come, I'll make through it ... in time.
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~~~
Gosto tanto desta foto, da últimas vez que viajei de férias... época mto diferente, meu pai estava vivo, eu jamais imaginaria o que me esperava poucos meses depois.
Posto esta foto hoje para me lembrar que melhores dias virão, em tempo.
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Kinloss Barracks temporary home until infrastructure works complete at RAF Lossiemouth, hopefully October this year.
Went for bike ride on a local rail trail, was gone about an hour and a half. Came back to a smashed in window.
and there's so many many
thoughts
when I try to go to sleep
but with you I start to feel
a sort of temporary peace
The cicadas arrived in droves but they won't be here for long. They only live a short time once they leave their subterranean lives behind.
336/365
A big thank you to my mom for coming with me to shoot this today ♥
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We are still living in a tremendously weird time. Who would have thought that 2020 was going to pan out like this. Since lockdown the bus network has been seriously reduced to accustom for the lack of passengers. This has also meant more buses covering not their usual route, including here when Lothian Buses 42 which is a marine based bus is covering Longstone service 30 to Clovenstone. Seen here at Princes Street.
This series is about those places that become our own for a short period of time, but for that small time we make them ours.
This is the temporary jetty built on Raa. Dhuvaafaru by Singaporean construction company Lian Beng, who are building 600 housing units funded by International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies (IFRC). The project, which is a donation for Tsunami victims will cost approximately 24 million US dollars.
Paul Gavarni, pseudonym of Guillaume Sulpice Chevalier (Paris, 1804 - 1866) - Mask and faces (1851) temporary exhibition at the Doria Castle - Castelsardo
Vessel (TKA) is a structure and landmark which was built as part of the Hudson Yards Redevelopment Project in Manhattan, New York City, New York. Construction began in April 2017; it opened on March 15, 2019. The structure's name is a working title, noted in the TKA abbreviation, which means "Temporarily Known As". The structure owners have asked the public to give it a formal name and have a website devoted to naming it. Stephen Ross, the CEO of Hudson Yards' developer Related Companies, said that its unusual shape was intended to make the structure stand out like a "12-month Christmas tree." The copper-clad steps, arranged like a jungle gym and modeled after Indian stepwells, can hold 1,000 people at a time. Heatherwick said that he intends visitors to climb and explore the structure as if it were a jungle gym.
we are back to black (well, zebra-striped) mountains and brown fields for exactly ONE day — snow in the forecast tonight and back into the negative teens for temps…
De Realiteit, Almere, The Netherlands
On the south bank of the lake Noorderplassen in Almere is situated the experimental housing community De Realiteit (The Reality). Seventeen prize winning designs of the second design competition of the foundation "The Fantasy" were built here in 1986. A year earlier "De Fantasie" organized a design contest entitled "Temporary Housing". The prizes consisted of plots building land of 20 x 20 m, where the winners, 17 in total, could achieve their winning ideas. This contest followed the competition “Ongewoon Wonen” (Unusual Living) of 1982 and was realized at the lake Weerwater in Almere City.
By their design, the contests offered opportunity for the most free designs, especially as the building rules did not have to be met. Concepts as demountable, displaceable and limited lifespan were central. The removal of the building rules meant that the honored buildings had to be considered temporary. The applicants knew in advance that the normal funding source, namely the mortgage, was not available due to the temporary carcass. Traditional design principles, necessary to ensure sufficient market value, did not therefore have to be a point of departure in designing. This required the imposition of other than normal funding sources, such as subsidization, corporate sponsorship.
The jury consisted of: Pi de Bruyn, architect; All Hosper, landscape architect; Jon Kristinson, architect and construction engineer; Bruno Ninaber van Eyben, industrial designer; Jeanne Roos, journalist; Luce van Rooij, gallery owner and Moshé Zwarts, architect and chairman of the jury. They assessed the submissions according to the criteria: resourcefulness, feasibility, construction, material use, design, housing and energy management. The winners of the competition were given land on the site by the Government service IJsselmeerpolders, in cooperation with the municipality of Almere.
The realised houses are by number - NAME - designer
13 -BOVEN DE ZEESPIEGEL - Jan Wagenaar en Hans Weysenfeld.
Amherst Town Tomb.
Commonly seen in older New England cemeteries and built in the mid to late 1800s is what was known as the "receiving tomb". Previous to this when grandma kicked the bucket in the middle of winter you would store her in the barn until spring and the ground was soft enough to dig a grave. But in the 1800s many cemeteries built these tombs to receive the dead and store them until warmer weather (or for whatever other reason the final resting place wasn't ready) at which point their graves would be dug and the bodies moved to their final resting places. With the invention of the steam shovel and other powered digging tools there was no longer as much of need for these and they are not seen in newer cemeteries.
However they have not completely fallen out of favor. The one at Lowell Cemetery built around this same time frame is still used for this purpose today sometimes including holding bodies temporarily for other nearby cemeteries.
2021.08.29-13.22.26
Freightliner's sole Class 47, 47830 "Beeching's Legacy" hauls two TransPennine Express "NOVA 3" CAF Mk5a sets (TP02 and TP05) from Crewe Basford Hall to Longtown MoD for temporary storage.
The introduction of the NOVA 3 trains - to be hauled by DRS/TPE Class 68s - has been delayed due to various technical challenges and with space being required at Crewe, three sets are being moved to Longtown to be kept in secure store there.
After numerous attempts that didn't run, the first two sets - seen here at Acton Bridge - finally made their way north.