This Place Sucks
View allAll Photos Tagged Sucky
Sucky 2020 has left me feeling nostalgic. So here are some of my favorite photos from 2019.
Link to photo 1 (far left): www.flickr.com/photos/baihley/48702145042/
Link to photo 2: www.flickr.com/photos/baihley/48432521632/
Link to photo 3: www.flickr.com/photos/baihley/48538938616/
Link to photo 4 (far right):
Tap? Yeah, I've no idea. Hear more about my sucky brain and it's malfunctions on the blog. Plus! nice things too. readmeri.wordpress.com/2020/10/12/tap/
Took my previous sucky, shadow-bound, end-of-day shot of ALS 2205 leading a transfer west to 12th street yard in St. Louis and photoshopped the hell out of it. The result is this sunny day shot of ALS 101 returning east to Gateway Yard at East St. Louis, Illinois with a cut of cars from UP's 12th Street yard.
Maybe I should have photoshopped the garbage out of the scene.
#9 highest position in Explore!!!
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Well, I tried something different with that sucky old camera I've got. To photograph a plant ! wow, what do you think?
This week I'm going to buy a new camera, and than I can make some better photographs like this I hope :-)
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Reached the 9000 views! Nice :-)
we have a wonderful life. in lots of other places it's pretty sucky.
Processed with Blackie
I can't keep up on flickr right now.
sorry.
I think I can only comment on commenters. the fave only people will have to wait until I have more time.
Norfolk Southern's Wabash heritage ACe leads an interesting consist and the KCS MVNKC north through "WR Tower" at Granite City, IL. A little bit of the wet stuff didn't stop many from making it out to see this move, especially with DL sitting conductor, and the general sucky crap running around here lately. Of course, a downpour is behind me about a crossing north, heading for my overpass.
This is dedicated to one of the best sisters and best friends I've had in SL, Mika. You are truly amazing and absolutely one of a kind, you always bring joy whenever you're around. Your fiance is quite lucky to have a gorgeous and lovable lady like you! I hope the love between you two flourishes even more. You two are my "OTP" ❤
Thank you so much Tir for sharing me this beautiful idea, it gave this photo such meaning. Despite the sucky issues we were encountering while taking this pic. ❤
it's the whole fam damily!
Going to the pumpkin patch and getting the obligatory group photo is mandatory... even if it's not perfect!
the amazing Twi helped me with getting this photo set up... mostly because there are 7 babies and I am still sucky when it comes to posing animesh ❤️
__________________________________
–ғᴇᴀᴛᴜʀᴇᴅ ᴘʀᴇsᴇɴᴛᴀᴛɪᴏɴ–
pose: Extra - Gone Pumpkin Pickin'
available on marketplace for a discounted price for Lazy Sunday
Full credits for everyone, details and links:
518. From my "Frontal cortex and mixology session's". Pentax gear.
I'm shooting trains,...I must be getting older.
Have a fantastic NON-SUCKY 2021 friends!
Thank you all very much for your super positive support in viewing and commenting on my work, and to all of you,...thank you for posting your incredible and inspirational photography.
Meh, I had to upload this.
At the moment, I hate it.
Nevertheless, much time was spent on it.
Thus, I decided to upload it.
Here, we have an example of a frame that did not work out.
In some situations, the arms might work, if I had made them real arms.
Sucky legs don't help this, but I was experimenting with a leg connection.
Suffice to say, it failed.
Under these circumstances, I probably won't accept critcism.
Consider this scrapped.
KK?
So; how is everybody?
:3
Alright, I'll keep it.
Yes, I spelled it wrong. You've been assalted.
Today's sucky news is that OMNITRAX will purchase the Winchester & Western from Covia. Some of my earliest memories were of chasing the CSX Winchester local with my favorite Chessie two-bay sand hoppers, as well as the bright yellow W&W ribbed hoppers and of course the ALCO RS11s and S6s they had in service in the late 1980s. I've returned a handful of times over the past twenty years to photograph the secondhand EMDs that supplanted and ultimately replaced the ALCOs. A former Conrail GP10 leads the way up Round Hill with sand loads from the Unimin mine in Gore, Virginia. The W&W still runs sand, but has diversified so well with their former Pennsylvania Railroad line to Hagerstown, Maryland that it was just a matter of time before one of these damn conglomerates came in. Let's hope they don't trash the looks of the place, but I'm not optimistic, especially with blue GMTX GP38 rebuild units arriving on the property recently.
Been ages since I posted ... just a quick reminder that BT are a massively sucky company ... and this is a shot from the side of the road close to where I live now ...
Took my previous sucky, cloudy-day, front-coupled shot of this unit and Photoshopped the hell out of it, resulting in this view of ALS (ex-UP) 2205 parked at St Louis, MO.
Thanks to MM for the locating data.
I took this at 7 this morning. It's now 7:17 and I am getting ready to leave for school. I'm posting my 365 really early because I am going out of town for the night :) Sorry for the sucky picture! I tried. I loooove you morning fog.
[explored #261, thank you guys so much]
We've had nice light in the very late afternoon/early evening these past couple of days... :-)
P.S.
Ok...i'm TRYING to cath up with your streams right now but my internet connection is really SUCKY at the moment...
A BNSF rack train runs north through the approach to the Eads bridge and up Terminal Railroad's high-line at an obvious location.
Sucky, washed out colors courtesy of about a million western wildfires that have made St. Louis and just about the entire continental US appear to have a permanent overcast. I'll have to try this again when blue skies are back, probably after the election.
Empty CN grain train G887 turns north off the Bluford Subdivision, aka the "Edgewood Cutoff", and onto the Champaign Subdivision at Edgewood, IL. In the lead is the much sought after (for me) WC heritage unit, ET44AC #3069.
Missed this unit going south on Easter; but thanks to a tipper from MM, and updates from WR, I was able to negotiate an escape from home, and the drudgery of watching an 8th grader spend all day getting caught up on missed assignments. Luckily, the sun stayed put behind the clouds or this shot would have also featured sucky back-lighting.
haha i forgot i'd uploaded and went on doing whatever
i've been inactive for the past weeks and i apologise. these past weeks have been horrible and i'm not inspired and blahhh. which is sucky since i have my exam title for photography - despite my real hate for selfportraits, i chose portraits. yeah, don't ask me xD thoughts of changing to "shadow" came along but i've dnoe quite a bit of work already so yeah....
i really don't know what to do with it. no-one'll let me take photos of them and i can't exaactly take selfs with a manual film camera
i've had a week and i've only taken macro photos of eyes which really isnt exploring the theme
blah blah blah
i may delete this
i miss everyones work
its all beautiful
hugs
<3
Forget the haters, remember people you're close to
Now I'm doing things they told me I ain't supposed to
They treat me like a player, that's funny, I'm here to coach you!
Go back to the bench, know where you belong
Say that you've been practicin', well maybe you should do it more
Say that you the boss, yeah? Well, who did you employ?
All these sucky rappers, I don't listen to them, so annoyed!
I'm on a hundred!
Yeah, I said I'm on a hundred right now, hey!
DUUUUUUUUDDDDDDEEEEEESSSSSS!!
like i tootally effing missed yew guys =Pp! LOL
i didnt have any idea for a pic or somthing i was gonna put a sucky pic -.- but then when my sis showed me this one O_O I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM
so yes (A) hope yew guys like it && Welcome Back Haya <3
;D thnx for the pic sarah <3<3
=Pp a7m a7m i edited it =Pp
Happy Caturday from Mel and his favourite snuggle spot with Lorne. The first few years we had Mel, he was super twitchy and wriggly if you tried to hold him or pick him up. He becomes a little bit suckier on an almost daily basis and we've now reached this level - where he just climbs up and nestles right into Lorne's arms. He'll lay there all flopped-out for as long as he can and is just so happy :-) He's honestly a really sweet little treasure....well, that goes for both him & Lorne really in my eyes :-)
I stepped on the scale today, and when I saw what it read, I covered my eyes and cried. I did it. I have lost 100 pounds. ONE HUNDRED POUNDS. I've wanted this for so long, and have worked so hard, and I finally got here. The last couple of months have been frustrating in the "I just want to be there already" sort of way. And now I'm here and I can't completely believe it because it's been a really long time since I started this.
Nine years ago I started this journey. Growing up I was always overweight - but didn't give it much thought - other than, "well, this is just the way I am." I grew tired of it. I didn't want to live my life like that anymore. Even though I didn't want to live like that, I did nothing to change it. Exercising or eating right never even crossed my mind. I never even tried. On December 31st, 1999 I thought again that I didn't want to live my life like this, and decided I WILL NOT live my life like this. And so began my journey.
Shortly before my decision, my car broke down on my way home from work one night. I had to walk home 3 miles in the cold. I never thought I could do it. I remember thinking, "Three miles? That's a long ways for a fat girl!" I made it home, and was surprised how well it went. Once I made my decision to make a change, I knew I could get in shape by at least walking...thanks to my car breaking down. So, I did. Every day I would walk three miles in the freezing cold...soon moving to 4 miles a day. Homedog would join me on occasion, and it became our bonding time. When I felt like I was in a little better shape, we started doing Tae-Bo together. And, guess what? I started losing weight. I remember maybe 4 months into it I was reaching down to get something and my hand brushed across the back of my leg and I felt a bump. I immediately thought to myself, "Holy CRAP! What is that??" I then realized it was muscle. That was the first time I ever remember feeling strong and proud of what I had been doing. In those first 6 months, I quickly dropped 40 pounds. I felt amazing.
Over the next couple of years I kept on my continual quest to lose weight. I tried Slim Fast, Atkins, the Oprah Diet, cereal diets, Weight Watchers...and on and on. These things would work for about 3 months and I'd be feeling really great and then I would just somehow lose all momentum. I'd gain all my weight back and stop working out. I kept going in these circles. I wasn't getting anywhere. This lasted for the better part of 5 years. Weight Watchers was really good for me. It taught me to be aware of what I was putting in my body, and know that I can still enjoy food without being so rigid about it. Eventually I got tired of it, and didn't want to pay for it anymore. I stopped WW at the beginning of 2007. Instead I decided I'd just be more conscious of my food intake and start being more consistent with my working out. This was also the year where I decided to do one running race per month. This really kept me on track. For the past two years, I have been consistent. No more 3 month circles. No more losing a bunch and gaining it all back. I really began to realize that it's a process. A long, difficult, often times sucky one. I'm not going to meet my goal over night. Just as important, I learned to not beat myself up if I had one bad day of eating. In the past, that one bad day would have completely sidelined me. Nope, not this time, I decided. I just had to keep moving forward. And that's what I've done now for the past 2 years. Who knew the secret to success would have been eating right and exercising? ;)
This past year has been one of the best years of my life. I have continued to be vigilant about what I eat. I have picked harder, and longer races each month to push me and help me stay on track. I bought a bike, and it was one of the best investments I have ever made. I have seen myself really change inside and out. I am driven by my goals and seeing my goals through makes me happy. I nearly cried every time I saw a number on the scale that I had never seen before. It reinforced that I am actually doing this. It is working, and I am making progress. Sometimes I also nearly cried when I had a bad week... or weeks. I was frustrated and angry, but I knew I couldn't give up. 3 steps forward, 5 back it seemed at times. I'll be honest. I thought I'd never get to this point. I had bad days and would sit on the couch self loathing, and would make myself shut up, get up, and go work out. There were also bad days where I sat on the couch self loathing and stayed there feeling sorry for myself. Those days just happen. But I don't let them happen as much anymore. They don't benefit me in any way shape or form. Somehow I just need to force myself to keep moving forward.
Yes, it was a physical transformation, but it was also just as big an emotional transformation. I value myself now. I see my self worth. I am confident, and strong, and happy with myself and all I have accomplished. It is hard. Every day it is hard. Each day is full of a bunch of small decisions that can make or break me. Do I hate getting up early in the morning to work out? Yes. Do I hate having to scrutinize every menu before I get to a restaurant to decide what to eat? Yes. Do I hate having to order: no fries, no sauce, no cheese, no fun? Yes. Do I hate knowing that this will be a battle my whole life? Yes. Do I hate that I have to be constantly aware of how many calories I am putting in my body? Yes. Do I hate being sore and tired and sick of going to the gym 6 days a week? Yes. Are all of these sacrifices worth it? A thousand times, yes. I would not trade any of these things to go back to the person I used to be. It feels better to LOVE feeling strong. LOVE going into a store and finding clothes that actually fit and look good. LOVE knowing I am capable of starting and finishing whatever I decide to do. LOVE knowing I finished in the top 10% of the 2008 Danskin. LOVE riding my bike and beating all those boys on the bike trail. LOVE the fact that I have done 4 triathlons, 24 running races, and have finished 3 half-marathons. LOVE that my average running pace has dropped from 12:30/mi. to 9:20/mi. LOVE remembering when I saw my collar bone for the first time. LOVE that I have gone down 14 sizes. LOVE Homedog acting surprised when she noticed I no longer had sausage fingers. LOVE the times I catch myself in the gym mirror and am surprised because whoa, that is ME...not some other girl who is in shape. LOVE myself.
Often times during a particularly difficult race when I just couldn't imagine going on, I would think to myself, "the old me never could have done this." Then I realized that's not entirely true. The old me just never tried to do this. The old me just never put forth the effort. The old me is still part of the new me. The old me helps the new me realize what I am capable of. It helps me challenge myself. Prove myself.
Beyond the compliments of "you look great" the compliment that means more than anything to me is..."you inspire me". That drives me, and I thank everyone who has ever said that to me. You have inspired ME to keep going, to keep up the hard (hard!) work, and to keep moving forward.
Happy St. Patrick's day from Zero and me!!!
Outfits
Zero
Glasses
marketplace.secondlife.com/p/StPatricks-Day-Shamrock-Glas...
Hat
Sota3 - St. Patricks day leprechaun hat
Shirt
ERAUQS -
Bruce tee w/ suspender
Pants
ERAUQS - Bruce pants
Me
Glasses
marketplace.secondlife.com/p/StPatricks-Day-Shamrock-Glas...
Hair
Truth - Potion
Dress
Aurica - Gloria dress
Beer
Emporio Surpreme - Revolution Drink . beer ! w/ phone
Tongue
Voodoo - Sucky tounge
Gauges
VALKYR - InstaPLUGS
Pose
West end - Among friends
Too bad about the sucky weather, but when Lloyd Rinehart called to chase a move of the DRI Line operating on the former Rock Island RR main west out of the Quad Cities, I had to go. DRI&NW was operating the RI between Rock Island, Illinois and Iowa City. In need of additional power, they used former Milwaukee Road GP9s on this run. Here they proceed through KC Junction where the Rock main split to go to Kansas City (foreground track) or Omaha. Trains through here now are operated by the Iowa Interstate RR.
Bra
Lunar - Vale
Panties
Lunar - Lala
Hair
Truth - VIP Bliss
Tongue
Voodoo - Sucky tongue (Hentai fair)
Phone
ChrisTwo - MyPhone 12 Pro Max
*Though some of you know me as a fellow Pullip ♥'r, I am also a Young Adult novelist. My current project is called: Me, Jayne, & The Thing.
My deadline is rapidly approaching and I'm finding it difficult to balance both creative passions, photographing my girls and writing. Because constantly thinking about what my girls want to do for their next photoshoot is such a draw on my creativity, I do not have what I need to focus on my project 24/7.
It is with a very heavy heart that I must take a short break from my photos to revive my creativity. I am still available by fm and chat, should anyone want to drop a smile my way and I will still come by to comment on your amazing pics.
Always a friend, always reachable, but giving myself something I've needed for a while. Thank you for your support and understanding ♥. ~PS
Introduction of Me, Jayne, & The Thing:
Twisted-tight. That’s how I’d describe me and Jayne—inexplicably inseparable. Issues? Sure we had 'em but where one was, the other was most likely super-glued to her side—except in some pretty effed-up instances, but we’ll get to that. Needless to say, she was always around when I needed her and I can’t remember many days that I wasn’t tucked up in her room, hiding from my semi-orphaned life . . . but Jayne hid too. Her parents—Mom and step-jerk—were uppity schmancy-pants kinda people and they never would’ve considered my house, a double-wide about four and a half miles away, as a place where Jayne would run for refuge.
Was it an obsession I had with Jayne? You might call it that, but I kinda have to laugh at the idea because it wasn't so much a fixation, as it was that if I wasn't around her, my life ceased to exist in one way or another.
While the same secret that bonded us also had the power to splinter us, I innately knew the only way Jayne would ever be able to move beyond was if she learned to stand alone. It was a double-edged exposition; one that would hurt going in and would dismember our relationship on its way out . . . but that was the entire reason for my existence—to bring darkness to light and help Jayne learn to play dress-up with her skeletons.
It’s a crappy story, but coincidence can be kind and as much as this tale deserves to have its legs tied together and drop-kicked from the hatch of a VW bus on the freeway, Jayne deserves some kind of understanding for what she faced during our friendship. At times beautiful and at times horrifying, this is the story of Me, Jayne, & The Thing.
Disclaimer: If the thought of bothersome big brothers, a little bit of blood, or things that go bump in the night, makes you squeamish, it’d probably be a safe bet for you to set this down and go back to reading picture books. Still reading? Okay . . . but don’t say I didn’t warn you up front, cuz it’s a real sucky road trip with no pee pad for the Maltepoo.
I was really happy with these two pictures. I got home from school and this was on my lawn to greet me. It made my sucky day better. There was only one.....a sign maybe?
In the early morning, a reflected Alaskan brown bear, in mid-summer moult, is squelching along in full stride, searching for clams along the extensive mud flats at low tide on Cook Inlet, AK. Note the water splashing out from his/her front paw. The sand/mud at low tide is very sucky and it's amazing that they don't sink in (I got stuck). Maybe it's their huge paws spreading the weight.
28/07/2024 www.allenfotowild.com
Austin wanted a lil dio with our new Churchill. Wanted to keep this one to only one base plate in size. I am sucky at buildings. :( Remembered I had the large palm tree in our files from a few years ago, so I cheated and used it. :)
Clearly not as awesome as this one (and no 'mehndi' either), but I did the best I could with sucky (fluorescent. the hell?) lighting...before my camera battery died. Booo.
Weblog post: The doorway into thanks, and a silence in which another voice may speak
All Rights Reserved © 2008 Malaysia
Model: Zalikha
Make up: Me
Photo, Post Processing & Direction: Me
Eargh! i dont know why my photography is very sucky lately! My pictures are going down! I really desprately need to hire an assistant! Seriously! Ive been doing the make up and directing and styling! Its tiring! Need an assistant! Book an appointment! hahaha joking. I will look for a Personal Assistant =)
p/s: sorry guys, I just deleted the same one and lighten and soften the colours a bit.
btw, i guess i should saturate the colours a bit.
inspired by music video for all around me
flyleaf = <3
ahhh i pretty much ran outside and took this really quickly and ran back in yesterday hah. i went to the movies (yet again) and saw land of the lost. IT WAS HILARIOUS. GO SEE IT. and then we went to the mall / market street. and in the evening i went to an INDIAN pool party. i was the only non-indian there :D i cant get enough of them ahaha.
so heres the horribly sucky picture for 6/5/09 that i uploaded a day late :/
Title is a blend of Mr. Kearney's line in Girl America- "I can see her screaming when she's dreaming for freedom"
"Well half way down is half way out of here
We're either halfway drowned or half way 'round the pier
When you're that far gone
I can't break her, I can't break her fall
She's lying in the back room, crying on the bathroom floor
Singing I can't take it, I can't take any more
Just one reason, one to believe in
That's not that far gone
Not that far gone
She says today is gonna be the last time
And I know there's never gonna be an easy way out"
- Mat Kearney: Can't Break Her Fall
Everyone says mental health is just like physical health...often using that point for their own gain, in trying to say that everyone should seek help...but after six years in and out of the system, I’ve decided that yes, mental health is like physical health in that sometimes you just get dealt a sucky hand, and you can’t do anything about it, and you deal with it. You can responsibly refuse treatment as well.
If I had a brain tumor (which believe me, has indeed been thrown out as a possibility, but I figure the suggested “full neurological work up” wouldn’t really be worth the money...why pay thousands of dollars just to be told “you’re screwed!” or “you’re perfectly fine!”?), then it would be up to me to decide if I wanted to pursue treatment, knowing that it could prolong my life, but also make it quite painful at the same time.
Same situation. I’m tired of people throwing out their ideas when it’s based on nothing. I’m tired of having things shoved down my throat. I’m tired of being reminded of who I am. I’m tired of being forced to come up with answers to things that I’m clueless about. Like...seriously...why do you think I was trying to get help? Obviously I don’t have answers...so don’t act like I should. I’m just tired of everything about it. It was my decision to get back in to the whole treatment plan crap after realizing how horrible my life had become, and oddly enough, it’s only made it worse.
It’s not worth it anymore. Absolutely not worth it. It’s funny how it seems as though those who refuse physical treatment are seen as brave and accepting. They want to make the best of the time they have left. But those who refuse mental health treatment are seen as irresponsible. I’ve thought this over, and I don’t see how it could help. Could it prolong my life? Maybe..but at what cost?
I’m becoming convinced that whatever is going on with me will eventually kill me. I don’t mean that in a suicide way. There are times when I just completely lose myself, and nothing of my “normal” self remains. I absolutely don’t think the same. I wonder about those times, in that sense...but...no. I’m mainly referring to the little things. The stress that I’ve put my body under over years of prolonged sleep issues- whether it be the inconsistency, or flat out sleep deprivation for days on end. The incredibly inconsistent diet I have of eating all the wrong foods all the time, or hardly eating at all for a few days. The insane anemia, resulting in me often being quite weak. Hardly ever leaving the house...it’s all seriously compromising my immune system, and I’ve been told many times by many people that I just better hope I never get seriously ill, because my body couldn’t fight it off. Not to mention it’s near impossible for me to swallow a pill anymore. I apparently picked up a major pill phobia after trying to suicide on a cocktail of who knows what when I was 12. My throat starts to close up at the mere thought of having to take a pill, which is the main reason why I haven’t treated my anemia...iron pills are huge and I completely gag. I guess that can happen when you down over 25 and then stay violently ill for a week. It doesn’t leave the most pleasant memory. So...when I say I can’t swallow pills, and screw up various treatment plans because of that, I’m not trying to be difficult, which always seems to be the consensus...I’ve gotten physically ill when I’ve tried to force “normal sized” pills down, so...yea.
Between losing myself, and the physical stuff that my body has endured because of whatever is going on with me...they could eventually kill me if they continue to get worse.
Everyone shoved every freaking diagnosis under the sun down my throat all those years ago...and now..”well...your MMPI scores are all decently normal... so that solves it. nothing could possibly be wrong with you...our all mighty, ever so holy MMPI knows all”.
They say it’s supposed to trick you and catch if you lie...but that was the worst test I’ve ever taken. I convince myself out of everything I feel...I intellectualize every emotional thing when the spotlight is on me...which is funny, because I don’t care about “solids”...I care about emotion. I live for emotion...but when it comes down to me...I can’t do that. How do you answer a yes or no question of “do you feel hopeless?”...you have no chance to ever explain...it’s just yes or no. I do feel hopeless, but I know that’s stupid and grossly near-sighted. I know there is hope. I say no, even though I FEEL hopeless, because even there are no right/wrong answers with mmpi, it’s clear that “no” is the right answer. And that’s how the entire test went. I went with what I knew.
So all of that to say...I’m done. Nothing in my life has ever been conventional, mainly due to whatever is wrong with me...so I don’t know why I thought I could be fixed through something as conventional and cookie cutter as the american mental health system...but I’m through. I’m going to find my own way. Attempt to ignore my other half as much as I can, and deal with it when it comes.
I desperately need to figure out how to have a spiritual life while living like this. Going from seriously loving God, to not even being able to acknowledge there is a god...that makes it pretty difficult. I think it’d be cool to go to England and stay at their L’Abri program for a while (www.labri.org/england/home.html). I need to get out of the area if I have any hopes of changing, that’s for sure. I’m so secluded, I’m in such a rut...that would force change. I know my heart, and the core is just the same as it always was...I have the same spiritual desires, I have the same beliefs...so it makes sense for me to go to some place like L’Abri...and have the spiritual teaching, but having the fellowship of people who are all honestly searching and asking the hard questions in the same kind of way. It’s $25 a night, and the average stay is like 8 weeks...but it’s something to think about.
I need to be removed from this stupid situation and I desperately want to find a way to have a consistent walk with God. ...it sounds perfect.
It would be nice to go back to church, as I still love that place...but...I can’t. I realize that church isn’t just for people who have it all together, and that it should be all-accepting...believe me...I saw nothing but the best of that when I went to Life...but when you can’t even make a commitment to be there nearly every Sunday...it’s hard. I hated who I was. How do you explain that to people? I hated feeling like I had to lie. I knew they’d totally be fine with the real answer...but...do you really just throw 18 years of baggage on someone you’ve only known for a few weeks?
I hate to sound cliche, especially at this age...but...I need to go find myself. And as easy as it would be to just get lost in photography and have that be my life...I don’t want to live a life that doesn’t have God as it’s priority. I’ve lived both options, and lived each one for quite some time, and there’s no comparison. Everything was empty. Even now, things are far more empty than they should ever be, because that relationship is so strained. The heart is still there...but the mind has wandered.
I’m done caring about judgment, because no one knows...no one has a clue. Some people think I seem absolutely fine, other people think I’m just...gone...and they’re all equally right and wrong. I’m done caring about things that don’t aid to a better quality of life, and a stronger walk with God...preferably simultaneously. I’m not sure what gives me any hope of getting out of this...but there is a peace. There’s a peace in knowing that all I have to do is all I can...and if I still lose, then that’s okay. There are bigger reasons for everything that goes on, and it goes far beyond what I could ever comprehend. If I still lose, there’s a bigger reason. There’s always a bigger picture.
All I have to do is breathe my next breath and seek after God...and when I can’t breathe any longer, at least I know I’ll be going Home.
A few weeks ago we attended the wedding of some friends of Matt's. I didn't know them very well, but wanted to make something as a present, so settled on making three wool patchwork pillows. I chose patchwork because I don't know what their house looks like, and pillows because- like us- they're buddhist and extra cushions are handy when a lot of friends come over for a meeting or to chant with you (most of our meetings take place in peoples' living rooms). I'd wanted to make a more elaborate pattern than I did, but time was tight that week, so I stuck to something simple.
Because we arrived at the wedding by public transit I had to take the pillows with me to the ceremony, where lots of folks saw us either walking in or out with them. So it began even earlier than usual. "What? You made those? By yourself? That's amazing. You must be very talented". I am still, and always, astounded that people are impressed when I make the simplest things. Anyone who can thread a needle, knows how to operate scissors, and can recognize a right angle could have made these pillows. It's not hardly rocket science. The problem isn't that people can't do it. It's that they haven't done it in so long that they've forgotten the incredible, intense satisfaction of crafting something by hand. It's a selfish act. It makes the maker and giver feel good. That it pleases the recipient is almost secondary. :-) (OK- not really, but you know what I mean.)
When I was younger I had less responsibilities, and more time to make gifts for everyone I loved. This time of year was always my favorite because it was when I started on the holiday gifts. Quilts, clothes, scarves and sweaters, stuffed toys, painted folk art pieces, jewelry and beadwork, paper sculpture, pickles and relishes. More kinds of things than I can remember. But then something terrible happened. People started expecting the handmade gifts. Got a bit competitive about it. Howcome you made so and so a quilt but you haven't made me one yet? Could you make me a scarf like you made him? What I'd really like this year is..... It was awful. Instead of being something that came from my heart, my handmade gifts became something that felt like they were ordering it from a catalogue. And comparison shopping at that. It completely took the joy out of making gifts for me. So I pretty much stopped for most of a decade. Well, except the wedding quilts. That's sort of a given when family gets married. Though lately I've been getting the queries from those who are not intending to marry. Oy!
It took a while, but after a few years, I stopped getting the requests, and expectations. And- lo and behold- after a few more years I started feeling like making them again, So now thinking up small handcrafted gifts for family and friends is pure pleasure again. I still don't have the time I'd like to devote to it, so the gifts are smaller and simpler, but the making of them makes me happy in a way that nothing else does. Feels like an important part of my life is back in balance. It doesn't hurt that my loved ones have matured too, and have come to appreciate receiving the simpler offerings as much as they did the elaborate ones of yore.
Anyway, speaking of simple, here's a jar of the persimmon jam that I made this week to put away for holiday gifts. It was the only recipe I found for it so I tried it, but truth be told it's not as lively a jam as I had expected from the perky persimmon. It came out more pleasant than pizazzy. Ah well. But it's a pretty color, isn't it? And far from inedible. As an antidote, though, I think I'll make hot pepper jam in a few days. I'm working on a scarf for my niece over at Matt's on the weekends, and have about three more gifts in mind that I MIGHT have time for before the craziness of late December. We'll see. But I don't sweat it. I'm doing it for fun. If it gets stressful, what's the point?
what a sucky title.. i know
i think i'll kiss the postman if he comes with my package tomorrow! i will!
well actually i wont, because usually my postman is a 4O year old man.. but im going to thank the countries fast postal service. and if it doesn't come tomorrow, then i might just cry..
my secret supercalafragalisticexpealadocious package will be shown, hopefully on my next upload :-) cant wait!!!!!
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Today felt like I was sleep walking the whole time. Didn't get enough sleep last night, then woke up too early to get ready for noon flight. When I got to the airport, I found out that flight has been delayed. Fine. Two more hours waiting. Had car service pick me up at a later time. Near delayed departure time, flight got canceled. Rebooked for next week if you still want to. Apparently, everybody's going to where I'm going, so all the flights are booked.
Got a new sched for Saturday, hopefully this one will actually push through.
For FF, favorite word is sucky. I was supposed to be doing silly. But still sleepwalking, so no.
Themeoftheweek-State of Mind- annoyed. sleepy. more annoyed.
I know this kinda sucks.......but...kinda in a sucky mood....sorry I know i tend to be cheerful....and optomistic..but not feeling that cheerful today.
Give me a day or two............take care
I had a sucky day,
and I'm making contracts for my photoshoots,
so I won't get clients who will screw me over.
You fill in the blanks.
On the bight side,
I took this with my manual focus 50mm 1.8
and I'm kinda proud, because I took it hand-held
it's pretty wel in focus :D
SOOC
woo
updating alot tonight so I can get more caught up