March 2, 2022: Focusing on my breath provides me with a way to slow down when I get agitated, anxious and depressed.

 

When I remember to do it.

 

I never thought about it before but I do think that I held my breath, almost subconsciously, in past photos of me, regardless of whether it was a selfie or something taken by someone else. This is especially true in my annual high school photos. Looking back at them I can feel the anxiety that was in me, when I wanted to look so good but came off looking stiff, disconnected, and alone. The boy who gets bullied a lot often feels so alone. Even when he’s trying to look perfect.

 

I think the first two people to introduce me to the idea of focussing on the breath as a means of releasing anxiety were @julianjenkinsmedium and @thichnhathanh. This was in 2020, when I first tried to meditate regularly, just before midnight, as well as in the morning, not long after I’d wake up. It’s a practice I’ve come towards and moved away from a lot over the past few years. It’s as inconsistent as the timing of the depression that ebbs and flows in and out of my life, and today was the first time I returned to a morning meditation since having been hospitalized for my depression back in September 2021. For the first three days in hospital, I was monitored in isolation - in a prison cell like environment - surrounded by four brownish yellow brick walls and a large, overbearing steal door. There I’d sit on a small single sized plastic covered mattress with a knitted throw blanket to cover my nearly naked frame. Sitting in lotus position, I’d drape the blanket over my shoulders, covering the single blue Hospital gown that I’d wear like a trench coat so I could open and pull it close more easily. And it was in those moments that I’d meditate. Sometimes in almost complete silence, with nothing but the sound of my breath to quiet my monkey mind. Breathe in, deeply, through the nose, filling my lungs. Hold for two seconds, and breathe out through my mouth. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. In. Out. In. Out.

 

Another practice I’ve enjoyed doing to ground myself in the moment over the last few years has been to walk barefoot on the grass in my backyard when I take my dogs outside to do their morning business. The coolness of the grass sends comfort up through my feet, legs, chest and up into my mind like a stream flowing up from the earth to the sky, using my body as a conduit. In those moments, I often look up at the sky, remembering how I’m just a small part of a much larger universe.

 

Today, I held my hand over my heart as I breathed during my meditation. At the completion of my meditation I photographed my hand. It felt good to breathe as I snapped photos with my small Sony ZV-1 digital camera. I felt a sense of calm, which was much stronger than the anxiety that’s still hanging on inside. Becoming a little less influential over my day.

 

61/365.

 

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #chest #chesthair #hand #selfloveisnotselfish #sad #depressed

March 10, 2020: Had a good walk around a small sliver of Stanley Park. Aside from several die hard joggers and cyclists, as well as the call of birds like geese, the park was comfortably quiet. I started off wearing a cap but took it off to feel the slow drip of steady rain. It was not quite a mist.

 

I had read part of another book by @thichnhathanhsangha today, called TRUE LOVE: A PRACTICE FOR AWAKENING THE HEART where I read about walking meditation: “DURING THE DAY, if you practice walking meditation, each step brings you back to the present moment; each step enables you to touch what is beautiful, what is true. And in this way, after a few weeks of practice, joy will become something possible, you will be able to undo many knots within yourself, and you will be able to transform negative energies into joy and peace.” It spoke true to me.

 

Hanh continued, explaining how: “Buddha said this: “The object of your practice should first of all be yourself. Your love for the other, your ability to love another person, depends on your ability to love yourself.” If you are not able to take care of yourself, if you are not able to accept yourself, how could you accept another person and how could you love him or her? So it is necessary to come back to yourself in order to be able to achieve the transformation.” And this too, spoke true to me as I breathed in the cool air, filling my body, letting my lungs expand; followed by a deep breath out. I felt the quiet around me. I let the sound of nature in, and for the first time in weeks, I felt relaxed.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 70/366.

 

This photo was also posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #ThankYou #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #366daychallenge #366selfies 365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #LeapYear #DailySelfies

From April 6, 2020: I actually shot this yesterday and started editing it late last night.

 

The idea for this post comes from the amazingly inspirational @ssedonaa, based on a photo campaign by @i_weigh where one selects an unedited photo of them-self and writes positive things one values about them-self. So I did this, but with a twist - I used all of the following questions:

 

“1. what are three aspects of my identity that come to mind when you think of me?” and

 

“2. what is the one aspect of my personality that comes to mind before anything else?”

 

I also threw in several things that people have said about me since I did that survey, as well as some things that come to my mind when I think of myself, and a few things that I love doing that also define myself.

 

I really enjoyed making this and used the #PhontoApp to add the text.

 

It’s been 7 days since my last breakdown. And this photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, 97/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #366selfies #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #bloodwork #lab #lgbtq #queer #pan #depressionawareness #depression #sadness #pan #stayhome #livingmybestlife #iloveyou #ilovemyself #heart #heartfeltlove #inspiration #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #growing #stayhome #movingforward #photooftheday #picoftheday #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #postoftheday

January 19, 2020: Today #took my Mum out for an #appointment she had. Then we went #grocery #shopping. Whatever #illness I’ve had this month I’m sure I got it from her, as she was very sick in December. But today she went downhill as whatever she had came back to bite her hard. I’m taking her to the #clinic in the morning. Something she wouldn’t do last #month. Stocked up on #veggies with the intent of making a #roast #chicken for #dinner but the fridge froze said #meat. So it was #takeout instead.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 19/366 still with #bronchitis (although my breathing has improved #dramatically).

 

These photos were initially posted on Instagram.

 

#DeconstructingSelfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #NotAPrettyFace #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies

From March 1, 2022: Today, I’m starting a new journey of self reflection & exploration. I’m hoping to connect more deeply with myself as I work to overcome my depression. Often, I’m too quick to jump online & moan about the state of my life, which can be okay, but I need to be able to see through the negative towards more positive outcomes. To know that I’m not always so worthless or useless. To know that I have something to offer in life.

 

I want to feel more positive about myself because I’m the only person I have in my life that I can depend on for the love I desire. I know I have a habit where I say these kind of thoughts, & in other posts I’ve often talked about trying to actualize these things, trying to actualize unconditional love & reverence for all life starting with myself, but I also know that I’ve often failed at doing this for myself. It’s time to stop failing. As author @shannonkaiserwrites says, it’s time to start living & using joy as a barometer for how I feel.

 

In terms of the selfies I’d like to capture this month, I want to explore ways of seeing myself visually that I haven’t done before over the last two years, while also keeping them authentic to how I feel.

 

I admit, I’m nervous that I will start strong & then fall again. I need to craft some kind of a safety plan for when I feel myself growing weak. A way to lift me up from under the weight of the metaphorical bricks that can feel too heavy on my shoulders. I’m not sure what that will look like but maybe that’s a question I can put to my non-physical guides & teachers in tomorrow mornings automatic writing session.

 

Another thing that I need to do this month is reach out for help. I’ve been struggling so much, & I haven’t done the things I need to do to get better. There were times in January & February when I felt lower than I did when I ended up in hospital for my depression. It’s not some thing I’m proud of. But I have to get over being upset with myself or feeling guilty for not getting the help that I know I need. Because when I do that I just cycle down into more shame, regret & remorse to the point of paralysis. So this is my manifesto: that kind of shit ends today.

 

I took my photo today, of my feet, walking through the mess that’s on my bathroom floor. I placed my camera down on the floor to look straight ahead at where my feet would walk, & I used a delayed shutter release to capture the image with a shallow depth of field. I think I’m happy with the shot, my bare feet still scarred from when I cut them up in January after walking 10 km & boots that didn’t fit properly. It’s taking almost 2 months for my feet to feel comfortable in shoes again. They might’ve healed more quickly had i not continue to walk for a few days after hurting my feet. By doing that, I made my feet feel worse, even though I was wearing padded Band-Aids, gauze & thick socks, returning to my old shoes that I had worn before trying out the new boots. So one foot still looks worse than it feels, in fact I feel nothing at all, even though it’s still purple & bruised. But it’s a reminder that with time, even the deepest of wounds can heal, & one can carry on in life as if nothing had even happened at all. Finally, I’m also loving how you can see the blurred outline of my beautiful dog Kira, who was standing in the hallway probably wondering what it was I was trying to do.

 

This was originally posted on my Instagram.

 

60/365.

 

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #feet #heels #scar #pjamabottoms #legs #pjamas #towels #tiles #cupboards #dog #bathroom #walkingaway #selfloveisnotselfish #sad #depressed

January 15, 2020: #Sleeping has been my #default today.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 15/365 still with #bronchitis.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#DeconstructingSelfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #NotAPrettyFace #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies

April 15, 2020 #BIRTHDAY RECOLLECTIONS.

 

PHOTO 1 (UPPER LEFT HAND CORNER): This is Joyce, my #biological #birthMother. She gave birth to me on this day, April 15, so long ago.

 

My Mom said Joyce’s decision to let her and my Dad #adopt me was the greatest #gift anyone ever gave her. Joyce trusted my Mom and Dad to give me a good #life, which they did.

 

I’m glad my parents were always honest with me about the fact I was adopted, I knew from an early age. Joyce passed away in the early 90s, and I never got the chance to meet her. And I don’t know who my biological #Father was. I wish I did and at some point I am going to take further steps to try and find out.

 

But again, I just wanted to thank Joyce for giving me life. I love you. And I know a part of your soul has always been with me and I thank you for watching over me all these years.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

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PHOTOS 2-5 (UPPER RIGHT HAND CORNER): I was a tiny #baby! And my adopted Dad, the only Dad I’ve ever known, he was Joyce’s doctor and as such, he was the doctor in charge of my delivery. Which I always thought was so cool. Not many can say that. I wish he was here today so I could thank him for it. I miss him everyday. I love him.

 

I was born Steven Robert Han Lee, and I forget why (I’ll have to ask my Mom why). Anyway, my adopted Dad was Korean. He came to Canada in 1952. Some of his family, including his parents were stuck in what became the North. He wouldn’t be able to contact his family in the North until the 1980s. I can’t imagine going thirty years without talking to my folks and unfortunately he never got to talk to them again, but he did reconnect with his siblings who were in the North. But when they wrote him - it was always addressed “Hanju Lee,” not “Han Choo Lee.” Apparently when he came to Canada, immigration services screwed up his name and recorded it as “Han Choo,” not “Hanju.” Many who know me today, know that I go by Steven Hanju Lee. I changed it legally as a teenager to get rid of Robert, which from what I recall, had no deep meaning in terms of say, representing some kind of a personal family history, and I chose to use Hanju as my only middle name as a way to honour my Dad’s birth name, that his parents gave him.

 

These photos were originally posted on Instagram.

 

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PHOTOS 6-12 (LOWER LEFT HAND CORNER): April 15, 2020: An assortment of photos of baby me. The fifth photo is of me with my adopted parents, from birth - my parents, the only parents I’ve ever known: Hanju and Beverly Jean Lee.

 

It’s been 1 day since my last emotional breakdown.

 

And this #photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, photo 106/366, originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #2020Selfies #livingmybestlife #pansexual #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #iweigh #light #love #acceptance #stayhome #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #day #postoftheday #instagood #empowerment #male #introspection #lookinginward #photooftheday #baby #babyboy #babylife

 

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PHOTO 13 (LEFT SIDE, LOWER RIGHT HAND CORNER): It’s my #birthday and I should feel on top of the world but don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of great moments and breakthroughs lately. But I still feel like I let others down, maybe even creep them out. I dunno.

 

I know I’m not a creep. I know I have so many amazing people in my life that care deeply for me. I know I’d never hurt another soul intentionally. I’ve let people down, but I wouldn’t ever look to cut another person down. I have love and reverence for all people, I always have. What I haven’t had was self-love. In fact I had years of self-loathing. There were times I couldn’t stand the skin I was born in. It’s why I’ve had suicidal ideation in the past and have attempted it in the past, and came close to wanting to try again this year. I even found Tuesday morning on my browser that I’d googled it the night before. I don’t remember doing it. But I want people to know and trust from the bottom of my heart that while I’ve had a history of difficulty loving me, I’d never hurt someone else. I could never harm someone else. It’s not who I am. If I ever had to, I’d never have a second thought about laying down my life to save others.

 

I want everyone to know this.

 

I’ve been talking to people about things in the past where I’ve let them down, as part of my healing. I’m slowly getting around to many people. I’ve had some amazing conversations with many already and those have been wonderful.

 

On another hand I have a history of spoiling my friends. And I’m learning more that none of that matters. A heartfelt homemade painting given as a gift resonates more because of the passion I put into it than say giving a camera or even a stuffed toy to someone I care for. In some of my past relationships I’d buy them half a hallmark store to try and to express my love but it didn’t result in love staying because I was filled with doubt and fear. The gifts I have were karmically tainted because of my sense of unworthiness. This is what I’m struggling to resolve by shifting my reality - that I know I’m a good man, a strong man, someone with lots to give the world. I’m tired of being afraid of rejection. I’m tired of rejection. I’m tired of feeling lost and alone.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

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PHOTO 14 (RIGHT SIDE, LOWER RIGHT HAND CORNER): There’s a deeper problem I’ve kept hidden, for two months now. For years now. I was so sick in January, with bronchitis and high fever. It took almost two months to get over. I thought I was over it at one point but it came back and knocked me down again. Overall my teachers were all great and were very accommodating to help me succeed. All but one.

 

I’ve had trouble in the past with this one, we just don’t always communicate well I guess. My education over the last decade has been up and down. I know at times it likely seemed I didn’t give it my all. After my ex left me, I ended up bombing out altogether and I know I let teachers who cared about me down.

 

Since I returned though, it’s been largely positive. With the odd exception I’ve gotten grades in the A range, between A- and A+. Up until the reading break, in spite of my bronchitis I was getting similar grades again, on track to getting through a full course load.

 

But as I’ve documented here, in addition to my bronchitis the depression has loomed over me. And in one class, I ended up being late with one important assignment. It was when the fever came back. I thought well, the teacher docks a certain percent per day so I thought I’ll take the hit and hand it in late as long as I got better. But then I didn’t get better. And two became three days, three became five, and then after seven days the assignment is worth nothing. It’s what has happened before with the same teacher and I know this teacher hates excuses and I retreated. I ignored them. But I saw my doctor for the physical and bloodwork, the first since 2017... and I even got a note just for that one assignment. And I reached out to them. I laid my case bare with honesty which is all I knew to do.

 

And I was rejected. I was told it was inappropriate to have told them what I had been going through. They were referring me to Kwantlen’s early alert. They were cancelling a meeting cause they felt unsafe and I was not to contact them until I spoke with counselling. This was something they did before years ago. And at that time counselling got back to me within like 48 hours. I actually genuinely like and respect this teacher, and wanted to do well. I got “A” range grades on the first three or four assignments for them. I feel like I’ve just let them down again.

 

Anyway, I didn’t hear from counseling. I went to the class, but sat at the back And kept mostly quiet Although I answered a few questions during class discussion, and the teacher acknowledge me whenever I raised my hand, letting me talk. But I was absolutely terrified.

 

Another week went by, and I had still heard nothing from the university about the situation. I actually wondered if she had even sent anything to the early alert. So, as I was finishing the homework for the next class, I received an email from the professor. In the email, the sharply told me that they were failing me in the class, As they had not received the outstanding assignment (even though I had attached what I had completed in my email to them the week before, along with several doctors notes: the ones I received from the walk-in clinic in January when I was originally very sick; and a new one from my primary care physician, written directly for them and asking that they grant me allowance). In their email, they said the decision had been made in consultation with the Dean, and the Office for Student Support. It’s funny, because after I got her first email the week before, I had thought about approaching the Dean, but didn’t. I decided to wait for counselling to contact me about the situation, as I didn’t want to be seen as going over their head. They finished their email by also saying I was to not contact them again about this situation, as that would be viewed as a violation of Kwantlen’s Student Code of Conduct. They then unfriended me and blocked me on social media, including Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

 

So this latest run-in with this teacher just brought back a flood of insecurity, doubt and depression. I stopped going to my other classes, and I slept a lot. At one point I even ended up on the phone with the suicide hotline, which I’ve spoken to before on my feed, also sharing about the attempt during a Kwantlen speaker’s series. I also got into Kwantlen counselling, who I called immediately the same afternoon I got the professor’s email. I was heartbroken and in tears when I finally went to counseling for an assessment, the same week I spoke.

 

And sadly, I can’t take these classes with anyone else as this professor is the only person teaching the upper level courses I need. But what upset and disturbed me the most was how the professor said that they were afraid of me. That sentence was like a knife to the gut, tearing it open like a Japanese warrior would tear themselves apart during Seppuku, a ritualized suicide by disembowelment. I remember telling all of this to my aesthetician, and when I mentioned they were scared of me, she exclaimed, “What?! You’re the biggest teddy bear I know!”

 

So I let March and April slip away. I did start on the final project for this class. I should have reached out to the Dean, but I really hate confrontation. Which has made me feel spineless, and asking myself when I became so weak… I’ve just never been good at confrontation, I fucking hate it. What’s worse is that it’s mainly rooted in the fact I’ve never been good at standing up for me. If I can’t get this class, I can’t even graduate. Which pains me, because if I had been able to get this class done, I’d be on track to graduate in spring 2021 (COVID concerns aside). But now, all that’s in limbo.

 

Counselling said I should appeal to the Dean. Everyone I’ve discussed this with has said I should fight it. But I haven’t. I build up resolve, and then crumble. I build up courage, and then crumble. In fact, today is likely the very last possible day to appeal to the Dean… having said that, I have been able to reach out to some of my other teachers, one of whom has already given me an incomplete contract, to finish outstanding work over the next month or so. Getting that did boost my confidence.

 

But still, I’m paralyzed when it comes to approaching the Dean. School is supposed to leave you feeling inspired, and ready to take on the world. It’s not supposed to leave you feeling broken, stupid, and suicidal. It’s not supposed to make you hate yourself even more than you did before you started. It’s not supposed to make you feel like you’ll never succeed if you don’t get that piece of paper that says Bachelor of Fine Arts. What’s worse is how this has just in general, clamped down hard on my desire to create new work. I’m devastated, and so angry at myself for not having handled any of this better. I even lied to my counsellor about having already approached the dean. And I felt so guilty doing that, and I ended up skipping a session because I was so embarrassed.

 

I sadly see no positive outcome for any of this. And that breaks my heart.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

January 12, 2020: #Fever below 102 for #first #time in #days. The #dogs seem to love having me #home, it’s been nice to #snuggle Kira (my girl, the #white #maltipoo) and Tiffany (one of Mom’s two #miniature #poodles, the #brown one). This is post 12 of my subverted selfie project. 12/366.

 

This image was originally posted to Instagram.

 

#DeconstructingSelfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #NotAPrettyFace #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #unflatterimgselfie

From October 3, 2022: Tonight, I lit several #candles in my bathroom before I dimmed the lights and drew a #hot #bath and let my #naked #body sink into it. I lay in the stillness of the green foamy water around me. My face, along with a bit of my @Vicks_US #Vaporub covered chest, as well as my knees being the only parts of me that weren’t submerged. The hum of the bathroom’s #dehumidifier #fan was muffled by the water that my ears were surrounded by. Being under the water, even the sound of my #breath was amplified by the water in the tub. The smell of bath salts mixed with the vaporub and soothed incessant coughing that’s plagued me over the past few days. The only thing that kept me awake was the holding of my iPhone in my left hand. At first, I used it to shoot this photo, before finding some soothing meditation music on YouTube that I put on before putting my phone down on part of the ledge that formed the rim of the tub I was in.

 

It’s difficult when you’re sick to remember to take these photos, let alone think deeply and write reflections about them. Often, I simply snapped the photos, and then wrote about them later - which I’m doing right now, on October 11, for a photo I shot ob October 3. It feels like I’m falling into that old trap of starting something and not finishing it. But what can you finish on days when you’re barely awake, fighting a headache with a fever, congestion, an upset stomach and horrible diarrhea? Hardly anything. So, to be honest, just shooting the photos was enough for me.

 

276/365.

 

#beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #sad #depressed

June 3, 2022: I’m so #scatterbrained, useless, & #ashamed today. This latest major #depressive episode has meant my monkey mind has been working #overtime to hurtle insults at myself over the last week.

 

The #selfloathing has been strong.

 

I’ve slept in day after day. It has been an absolute struggle just to get the simplest of things completed. My third #arthistory assignment is now three days late, meaning a 25% automatic reduction. I’ll never change.

 

I’ve had some horrible #screaming matches with my Mum.

 

A woman at @londondrugs positively commented on my heart shaped #bumblebeejasper #pendant & I looked right through her as I passed by. But it wasn’t devoid of emotion, I felt so angry about how the #pharmacists said it would be 20 minutes for my Mum’s #insulin but it had been almost an hour when they needed, “Just a few more minutes.” But as I stepped back a huge line had formed, meaning just a few more minutes was now easily another half hour. So I left, & that’s when the woman complimented me, leaving me to just bite my tongue.

 

After weighing in at 213.4 pounds on Tuesday, today I’m at 216.4. “Shove another cookie down your mouth again Steve!” my mind barks at me.

 

I’ve been #hyperaware about how a friend of over twenty years, & another of over seventeen have both #ghosted me. I feel the #confusion, #hurt, & #betrayal mixed in with the overwhelming desire or just wanting to know what I did to push them away. My mind just automatically puts the blame on me.

 

I also noticed how a few new friends I’ve made over the past year blocked me this week, & I don’t know why. My monkey mind screams at me about how I must be some really #creepy guy to keep pushing people away, & I feel more #depressed because of it.

 

A business I adore unfollowed me. I am such a #screwup. Maybe my latest #selfies have finally revealed the truth about the monster I really am.

 

Part of the past few months has involved my emerging from these kinds of #debilitating moments by reframing how I look at myself: I got up earlier today than yesterday. I can get a doctor’s note. My weight will fluctuate. I am not other people’s thoughts.

 

I can do this.

 

154/365.

 

#beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #sad #depressed

March 20, 2020: And here we go. 80 days into 2020 and I feel like I’m still swimming just above rock bottom. Saw my doctor this morning. I’ll be starting blood pressure medication, and had my antidepressant renewed. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but being back on them makes me feel like I’m failing to live up to my potential.

 

But I’ve made out a list of what I need to get through the week. I’m walking now, to find a breakfast sandwich somewhere. I passed a homeless girl, with her German shepherd, she was rubbing his belly, and they were present in the moment.

 

I’m outside a Starbucks now and a worker is spraying and scrubbing the door handles. A homeless man just asked if I have a lighter. I don’t, but life goes on. The sun warms my forehead. I breathe in and know that I will be okay. I breathe out and know this to be true even if that feels so distant from me, I strive to be mindful of the present moment.

 

And it’s been 8 days since my last emotional breakdown.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 80/366.

 

This photographic image was first published on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #ThankYou #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #366daychallenge #366selfies 365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #LeapYear #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #comingout #comingoutpansexual #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #vulnerabilityisstrength #pansexualpride #artistsoninstagram #artoftheday #selfportrait #reverence #mindfulness

March 12, 2020: It’s been 0 day(s) since I had an emotional breakdown. And this is going to be the hardest post I’ve written this year.

 

Today, I went through a powerful Emotion Code session with Don MacPherson at @whitbys_books_and_gifts in White Rock. From what I understand, the Emption Code is an energy healing technique that helps identify and release the trapped emotions of harmful energies each of us accumulates over time, based on our life experiences. Those who follow my feed know I had a psychic reading back in February, and I’ve gone to several sound healing meditations with the amazing @theda.phoenix. Those were all great in helping to ground myself, but the work I did with Don today was extraordinary. Tonight, I feel a lot lighter, and more understanding about my relationship to someone I’ve never talked about publicly before - my biological Mother, Joyce Eileen Johnson (nee Pinchbeck). Joyce is the one you see in the second photograph of this post.

 

Many of my friends know I’m adopted. I was adopted before birth, and my adopted Father, the late Dr. Han Choo (Hanju) Lee was Joyce’s medical doctor, in charge of my delivery (I’ve always joked that he would have been the first person to ever slap me). And that meant he was likely the first person to ever hold me, and I’ve always taken great solace in knowing that we had that connection. I also know that my adopted Mom, Mrs. Beverly Jean Lee, considers me to be the greatest gift anyone ever gave to her. She’s said many times how grateful she felt that my biological Mother agreed to let her raise me.

 

But today, I learned how the emotions that an expecting Mother feels while pregnant can be felt by a developing fetus. Especially emotional pain. Using the Emotion Code, Don helped discover that I was dealing with three deep seeded emotions that were blocking what I understand as my heart chakra (the emotion code has a different name for this that I can’t quite remember). And these emotions were all prenatal, meaning they became a part of my being before I was even born.

 

Specifically, the emotions that were revealed in my reading were: resentment, guilt and unworthiness. As Don did the reading, he referenced a chart of emotions that can be uncovered in a session. And it’s funny because as the location for each group of emotions was revealed I was able to see the list from my seat and know exactly which one he would end up at before he even said it (especially the sense of being unworthy and living with guilt, which I’ve come to also acknowledge as being tied to the doubt I often feel). Resentment though, took me by surprise, as it isn’t one I ever thought of consciously. But it makes sense in respect to what my biological Mother was going through.

 

Over time, I’ve found that parts of her journey matched parts of my own, especially when it comes to loving myself and by extension, loving others. I’ve long felt unworthy, it’s been an emotion deep within me, as has guilt. And I honestly can’t pinpoint where the guilt comes from. It’s in my depression, and maybe it’s a guilt of just being alive. But what I went through today helped me greatly in releasing the negativity associated with all of these emotions. In many ways, my heart feels free for the first time in my life, as if a weight has been lifted off of it.

 

Don told after that after the reading was over, I may have moments where my emotions might become overwhelming, and where I might even feel physical pain. And this happened as I drove away, up the steep slope of Oxford Street. Tears started to pour out of me, my heart felt so tight, as though it was going to explode. I thought maybe I was having a heart attack. The crying would not stop, it was a deep sobbing and I felt the tears streaming down my face. By the time I was past Amy old high school, and the entrance to Softball City, I started to look for a place to pull over, and maybe even call 911. But then I started to say: “I’m sorry Mom (speaking to Joyce), I’m so sorry for the pain you went through. I’m sorry and thank you for the life you gave me by having me... but I need to let go of these emotions that are drowning me, so I can have a chance at the happiness I desire...” and in that moment the tears shut off like one might shut off a tap of running water. And in that moment, with what had felt like a fist clenching my heart for most of my life, that fist let go, and my heart felt free, like I could breathe. And I’ve felt great all night, with only the odd pang of negative emotions that had blocked me for so long spitting at my heart one last time. And I feel good. I’m smiling again. I feel like I’m finally finding reverence for myself, a real love for who I am and the possibilities that are in front of me in life. And I’m eager to give that reverence back to the world in a way that’s not contaminated by me not having any love for myself.

 

Don also started with a tarot reading and I’m glad he did, as it confirmed everything the psychic reading I had almost a month ago had revealed. Some of you closest to me know I did have some doubts about that reading but those are gone now. There’s no way he knew about that reading and it’s results as I revealed nothing to him beforehand about it.

 

Don also felt that I have a lot of empathy for others, something I’ve known, but again, something I’ve always had doubts about. I’m often guarded with others. But I know now I can trust others, especially those souls that reach out to me with deep reverence. Like the young woman I’ve mentioned here before, reached out to me saying she believed in me, I couldn’t believe it because I didn’t believe in myself. But I’m starting to really believe in myself now. And I think I can say that I honestly do love myself. Things won’t be perfect, life will still throw shit at me, but I feel more ready than ever before to plow through it.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 72/366.

 

This was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #ThankYou #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #366daychallenge #366selfies 365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #LeapYear #DailySelfies

June 2, 2022: I’m feeling a lot of #anxiety this morning because I slept in, again. For like. I dunno. The fifth day in a row too.

 

I try to #breathe in deeply through my nose, to help calm my racing #heartbeat, but it’s #halfhearted & I find my mind is too tired to even #lambaste myself for it.

 

I hold my breath for a moment as my hand reaches for the #remote that controls the small Dyson fan sitting near the room’s only window, one that’s been slightly open for so many months now.

 

I breathe out through my #mouth, as I fumble with the small remote & eventually find the button that turns it off. I press it, & the fan comes to a stop. The sudden silence highlights my #loneliness & a headache that numbs the present moment.

 

I breathe in, through my nose again, while stretching my arms & legs out. The silence is broken by the crickackle of the remote landing inside the cave that is my nightstand’s open drawer, as my outstretched hand lets it fall.

 

I breathe out to have it turn into a chest filling yawn, complete with the quivering of my upper lip. I hold my left leg mid air for a moment, trying to stop a Charlie-horse from forming. I extend my foot as far as it will go & I feel the muscles in my leg fighting to remain relaxed, as I also hold onto the desire to vocalize my agony.

 

I breathe in as my legs fall back down into the sheets & I turn my body onto my side as I breathe out. I pull Kira close, hugging her tightly & she tolerates it just long enough to capture this selfie. She then flops back onto the softest blanket next to me, & I pass out too, my phone falling from my hand, ending up somewhere next to me until it’s alarm wakes me around 8:00am. 3 hours wasted.

 

I need to sneak away to catchup with my art history. But I have so much to do here as well. Maybe I can do an hours worth of work & then sneak away. I’m going to lose 15% on my late assignment now, thanks to my fucking depression. That knowledge terrifies me. It makes me feel #guilty, #stupid & #ashamed. I can see the reddish orange highlight through a C+ grade on the rubric she uses to mark the work, indicating a slip from the A I got a week before. That knowledge paralyzes me.

 

153/365.

 

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #sad #depressed

March 24, 2020: A #no #pants kinda #morning brought to you by #COVID_19.

 

It’s been 12 days since my last emotional breakdown. And this #photo is a part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie everyday, photo 84/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #366daychallenge #366selfies #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #comingout #comingoutpansexual #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #sleeping #sleepingin #nude #naked #erotichorror

March 3, 2022: Cleaning up and organizing my place and my Mom’s has been overwhelming at times. A large part of the mess that surrounds me has been fed by my addiction to over-spending, often beyond my means. It’s something I know I need to work on more seriously. It’s not that I can’t be responsible with my spending: when I was younger I was very obsessive with tracking every cent: I kept track of my receipts and spending in an excel workbook, and made sure I balanced out each month. I’d put a percentage of my each paycheque into a savings account, one that was locked down tight so the only way I could move money from it was to actually phone my bank and had it transferred out of the account. I was also Director of Finance at my university’s student union, where I assisted in overseeing a forensic audit conducted by PWC.

 

But since my depression settled in deeply over the last few years, I found myself digging myself in deeper and deeper with the spending. It’s just been so easy to do when you’re lying in bed, wanting to erase my troubles, my sorrows. Other people drink and do drugs. I eat way too much junk food, and spend like a drunken sailor. It’s caused

 

So today I emerge from the myst, finishing a deep clean of my Mother’s living room.

 

I’m finding more and more, that the comfort zones in this project and in my life have been to stick to the routines I’ve become accustomed to. That feel safe. Eating a bag of Reese’s and a large popcorn feels safe. Buying another stuffed animal I don’t really have space for feels safe. Cleaning feels scary because it’s a path to something in life I don’t remember. But it feels more freeing than being stuck where I have been up to this point. I want to say I’ve experienced something like this before, but I haven’t.

 

62/365.

 

#depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #windowcleaning #soulconfessions #tryingtogetbetter #selfie #subvertedselfie #instaselfie #selfloveisnotselfish #sad #depressed

From October 2, 2022: I’ve just #showered, and I’m lying in #bed, trying to #rest. I’m #exhausted, even though I look oddly #peaceful in the photos I just snapped. A short book, THE MINDFUL WRITER, by Dinty W. Moore, lies beside me along with a rainbow @squishmallows that looks as #defeated, staring up blankly at the ceiling, as I feel on my third day of being really #sick. I think I’ve tried a dozen times to start it, but I fail every time to get past the third page because I just can’t concentrate.

 

I’m trying to focus in on my breath, but it’s difficult as I keep coughing. Not even the extra strength Halls cough candy is doing anything to give me even the smallest bit of relief from the coughing. It’s warm menthol smell floats through my mouth and nose, but in-spite of this I find that when I try to breathe in, through my nose, I cough. And when I try to hold my breath inside my lungs, I hack. And when I try to breathe out through my mouth, I choke. It’s a process that repeats itself, and to be honest, it’s disconnecting me from being able to find relaxation in the present moment as I find myself getting angry with myself for being physically sick.

 

I go to the kitchen to make a cup of Neocotrin, and maybe I’ll make a second cup of tea. I don’t know yet. My halls is getting smaller and soon my teeth are able to crush what’s left and I feel it’s slivers across my tongue which soon disappear from the steady sucking I’ve employed on its destruction. When my allergies used to be bad, I’d live on Halls as a means of providing relief from the congestion and constant sneezing that would take over in those moments, for hours at a time.

 

As soon as the boiling water hits the neocotrin crystals, the smell of lemon wafts up from the cup to float up into my nostrils, where they are gently sucked into my lungs. It’s calming, and needed, even though the drink is too hot to enjoy right away, I find myself starting to sweat again, and I don’t know what the rest of the night will bring.

 

#275/365.

 

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies

From June 9, 2022

 

To my #MonkeyMind,

 

I wanted to share with you how I feel about our #relationship, because how it’s been going isn’t working for me anymore. Even though you make it impossible to do sometimes, deep down I do #care about myself and I feel you do too. So that’s why I need you to understand that when you #criticize me, it hurts so much. Especially when your #nagging thoughts turn towards self hatred and self loathing.

 

I wanted to share with you that when you criticize me, it hurts.

 

When you say “Why do you even bother trying, you’ll just fuck it up like you always do!” it eats away at my #confidence.

 

When you say “Steve, you’re a fucking loser!” it feels like a #slap to the face.

 

When you #scream “I hate myself so much!” it tears at the very fibre of my being.

 

I’m tired of feeling the dread inside my mind that’s accelerated by you whenever I do something wrong, like sleeping in too late or not finishing something on time.

 

I’m tired of you encouraging me to eat away my sorrows by #devouring the absolute worst foods I can find.

 

I’m tired of you egging me on, to the point where I start hitting myself whenever I get really frustrated with something.

 

And when you see my prescription pill bottle in my hand, even though you say nothing, I want you to know how I feel you wanting to see me down the entire bottle like they were M&M candies. That hurts most of all.

 

So I’m going to tell you to #STOP whenever you start in on me negatively. I’m going to tell you to be kinder and gentler with me every time you want to bring me down.

 

We would never say or do these awful kinds of things with others - we cherish and care for others deeply and it’s time to give that same care to ourselves. I know that if we can do that we will take one step towards living a longer and more fulfilling life.

 

Love,

 

Steven

 

160/365.

 

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #selfloveisnotselfish #sad #depressed

April 13, 2020: I walked barefoot in the grass this morning, for around ten minutes. I wanted to lay down on the grass and just stare up at the big blue sky but the grass was really wet with dew. I made a small stride last night, I asked for something to get me through my paralysis so I don’t waste the term and my request was granted. It was from someone who’s been incredibly accommodating and helpful, I knew it would likely be the easiest of the things I need to do but the affirmation has given me strength to tackle the harder stuff tonight. Today my goal is to cut the grass, put down moss kill and weed and feed. If I have time I’d like to also power wash the driveway. Then tonight I’ll write the two emails I’ve put off for too long now. It’s time for me to start to shine again.

 

Fuck my paralysis. I’m done with it. I really want to put that behind me as much as I can. It’s not who I want to be.

 

I started listening to another book by @shannonkaiserwrites - it’s called JOY SEEKER: LET GO OF WHAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK SO YOU CAN LIVE THE LIFE YOU WERE MADE FOR. And early on there was a meaningful part that I’m going to paraphrase as a mantra for myself this morning... “I’m learning how to live a life that’s meaningful. I’m giving myself permission to be me. I’m replacing self judgment, comparison and anxiety with compassion, kindness and love.” Thank you Shannon.

 

And thank you @aaron_doughty44 for promoting this simple practice of walking barefoot in the grass, which I’m now incorporating into my life. I’m gonna try to make time today to hug a tree.

 

It’s been 1 day since my last emotional breakdown. I don’t even like the word breakdown but I’m still not sure how I can reword this to be more affirming and kind to myself. And this #photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, photo 104/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #2020Selfies #livingmybestlife #pansexual #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #iweigh #light #love #acceptance #stayhome #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #day #postoftheday #instagood #instagram #empowerment #male #introspection #lookinginward #movingforward #photooftheday #picoftheday #grass

June 1, 2022: Hello June. I’m here again, trying to pickup my #subverted #selfie project following the #beyourownbeloved challenge from February. I stalled with that but tried again in May, only making it to May 4, just 1 day longer than I had back in February. On May 5 I had a #breakdown which flatlined my #creativity for the rest of the month as I focused on my #university work: stuff for a course on Creativity & Leadership from the spring; followed by work for an Art History of Graffiti course I’m doing right now.

 

The theme for the 1st day of the BE YOUR OWN BELOVED challenge centred on taking a first step, but this week the fog of my #depression has socked back into my life. It hurts. I feel the stress clenching my heart, making each #beat tinge with an electric shock. My breathing is #laboured as my mind falls in & out of moments of overwhelm. Yesterday, I managed to make my #bed for the 1st time in months. The smell of clean sheets is comforting.

 

This morning, I ended up texting with a woman from an online depression group I’m in. She’s going through a rough time, & I talk about monkey mind & quote Natalie Goldberg, Jon-Kabat Zinn. I remind her that she’s not other peoples thoughts of herself. I describe using breath-work to reconnect with the present moment, & journaling to expel negative thoughts. Things I should be doing.

 

My legs are still beat up. I can feel the pain of a fresh scar as my bare leg runs along the sheets, a scar from a deep scratch that I’m not sure how I got. My feet are dry from running the fan in my room. My tattoo peaks out from the sheets it’s laying on & I wonder what might happen to it should it ever get deeply scratched. Would it be ruined forever?

 

I end up listening to a March 21, 2021 talk with Natalie Goldberg, where she recalls how her Zen teacher, Katagiri Roshi once said to her about responding to the throws of depression: “…get up & brush your teeth…. Make positive effort for the good… brush your teeth… wash the dishes. Just assert yourself. Make positive effort for the good.”

 

So just for today, I’ll try just that. To make positive effort for the good.

 

152/365.

  

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #sad #depressed

April 11, 2020: I’m finding walking barefoot in the grass has become something I need to do daily. It helps increase my vibration. It helps me feel connected to the Earth and it’s energy. It helps me remember the reverence I have for all life. It helps ease the stresses of life. It helps me be present and grounded in the moment, even if it’s for just a moment. I breathe in, and I feel life filling my body. I breathe out, and I know that I am alive, and I am happy for it. Today, the grass was cool even though the sunshine beaming down was warm.

 

Thank you @aaron_doughty44 for promoting this practice that I’m now incorporating into my life.

 

It’s been 12 days since my last emotional breakdown. I don’t even like the word breakdown but not sure how I can reword this to be more affirming and kind to myself. And this #photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, photo 102/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #2020Selfies #livingmybestlife #pansexual #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #iweigh #light #love #acceptance #stayhome #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #day #postoftheday #instagood #instagram #empowerment #male #introspection #lookinginward #movingforward #photooftheday #picoftheday #grass

February 14, 2020: Searching for #balance and #peace through meditation during the #midnight hour.

 

Yesterday afternoon, I was in downtown Vancouver, #searching for a #dog #friendly #cake or other treats. I #parked and accidentally paid for parking but for way too long. Honestly, I felt horrible, like nothing in my life has been going well. From being sick, to falling behind in #school for the first time in a long time. Anyway, next to the dog bakery was a #fortune teller’s shop. Given I had time to kill, I decided to go in.

 

I’d never had a reading before, and was worried it would be like the Matthew Good song, SYMBOLISTIC WHITE WALLS, where Good sings how “…Well, I have a psychic and she says I'm lonely / She says my destiny is turning out all wrong…” Inside, there was an older woman and a younger one, who explained how their readings worked. I decided to go for a full life reading which started with a palm reading, followed by a tarot reading.

 

Overall, the reading was really good, even hopeful. Some highlights: I should live a relatively long life provided I address some health issues; I’ll have one kid; and a young woman I met last year is always thinking about me and cares for me deeply. And I was given homework, to help deal with my depression - #meditate, which is what I started to do tonight. I still have a long road ahead, but it’s a start.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 45/366 still coughing (when will it ever end?!).

 

This photo collage was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#DeconstructingSelfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #NotAPrettyFace #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies

April 16, 2020: Thanks to all those who have supported and helped me raise over $600 for the #CrisisCentreBC as part of the birthday fundraising option @facebook offers. Here’s what I wrote about this: “For my birthday this year, I'm asking for donations to Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention Centre of BC. I've chosen this nonprofit because their mission means a lot to me, and even though things are tough right now, I hope you'll consider contributing as a way to celebrate with me.

 

It’s been just over a month since I experienced a severe desire to commit suicide, related to the clinical depression I’ve long dealt with. But it was through lifelines like this that I was able to pull through. And in the past few days I’ve felt the depression coming back deeper - there is so much fear flowing through the Earth’s energy and I’m really feeling it’s pull. I’d be lying if I said everything was great with me when it’s not, I definitely have my ups and downs, we all do... it’s just it feels more down than up lately.

 

But ultimately, whatever you can give, every little bit will help the Centre. Give if you can, or bookmark this and think about giving at a later date when things are more stable again. I've included information about Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention Centre of BC below.

 

Since 1969, the Crisis Centre has been a non-profit dedicated to providing help and hope to individuals, organizations, and communities. Spanning the spectrum of crisis support, suicide prevention and postvention, staff and volunteers are engaged in a variety of services and programs that educate, train, and support the strength and capacity of individuals and communities.

 

Thank you. 🙏” If you’d like to help message me!

 

#POST-BIRTHDAY RECOLLECTIONS.

 

It’s been 2 days since my last emotional breakdown.

 

And this #photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, photo 107/366.

 

This photo was originally posted to Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #2020Selfies #livingmybestlife #pansexual #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #iweigh #light #love #acceptance #stayhome #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #day #postoftheday #instagood #empowerment

March 8, 2020: WARNING - THIS POST COULD BE TRIGGERING.

 

Not sure I should venture into this. My last post, “...if we could spread love as quickly & easily as we spread hate & negativity, what an amazing world we would live in...” was partly intended to be my last social media post, ever.

 

I felt really good yesterday. Got my haircut, took Mom shopping & had a late lunch with her. Took my friend @_arjundhillon_ to see the amazing @paulwongprojects give a talk about an important art project Paul tackled in the 1980s, at the @griffinartprojects in North Van.

 

I went for dinner with Arjun @oldspaghettifactory in Gastown. I felt genuine happiness as we drove there, I let out a few squeals & woo’s in the parking lot. With joy I shouted the name of the girl who’s had my eye ever since she showed amazing reverence to me last year. I had a skip in my step, I wished strangers MERRY CHRISTMAS & most laughed & wished it back. I greeted the staff at the restaurant with reverence & explained how I’d had a crappy few weeks but felt alive. Our waitress was so cute, and seemed to leave the table with a big goofy smile on her face after talking with us. I felt charming & confident as she seemed to genuinely enjoy my corny goofiness. The interaction came naturally which it rarely has for me & yeah, I felt great.

 

After dinner we met 2 friends to give them a ride home & I shared some of the negative crap I’ve been going through & one situation in particular that’s been all consuming.

 

After I dropped everyone off I felt an incredible sadness and loneliness move in like black clouds, feelings I haven’t felt in forever. I went home and looked for a hose - my intention being to drive to a country lane somewhere & just go to sleep one last time. But I couldn’t find a hose & one outside was frozen. The universe was not cooperating. I called a hotline in tears, falling asleep an hour later. I woke up relieved, tears in my eyes.

 

So I’m still here & not planning on leaving yet.

 

Part of my personal art project of 2020, to shoot a selfie everyday, photo 68/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #365SelfieChallenge

April 19, 2020: Still battling this upset stomach bug but improving I think. I shaved today. Small victories although I missed spots. Small failures but I can live with it. I love my baby blue eyes. Oh... I also have a craving for @cottoalmare meatballs. They’re insanely good.

 

It’s been 5 days since my last emotional breakdown.

 

And this #photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, photo 110/366.

 

This photo was originally posted to Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #2020Selfies #livingmybestlife #pansexual #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #iweigh #light #love #acceptance #stayhome #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #day #postoftheday #instagood #empowerment #love

January 5, 2020: Today’s #selfie is a #macro #composition highlighting 3 #necklaces I’m #wearing again. I had stopped wearing them when I studied #ceramics and #sculpture @kwantlenu, as it’s just easier to work in those areas without #pendants and rings on.

 

But last fall I noticed how an amazing young woman, Bianca, proudly wears her cross pendant on a necklace, which I believe she said had been a gift from her #father. I had my #cross since I was a #teenager but I stopped wearing it because I felt conflicted about it.

 

I was #baptized as a young man, but I have had trouble with the idea of the church itself in terms of it’s history of #abuse (be it how they ran Canadian #residential schools to the #crusades and countless #missions which, in most cases, utterly destroyed the rich culture, beliefs and histories of those they were trying to reform; or the sexual abuse #scandals and coverups have also been troublingly #atrocious as has been their treatment of the #LGBTQ community and a woman’s right to chose). Ultimately though, I chose to wear it not because of what the church has done in the past, but as an acceptance that there was a Jesus, a man who has been written about in both the Bible and the Quran - whose teachings highlight how #accepting he was of everyone. In a weird way it’s also impacted decisions I’ve made about what I’ve done and how I’ve acted toward others in the last few days. I’m more conscious about how my words and actions and decisions impact others.

 

The chain bellow it was a more recent gift from my #Mother. Finally, I bought the jade Maori Koru pounamu carving in April 2010. The round wave like koru symbol is said to represent new beginnings, growth and regeneration. And that’s why I’m wearing these again.

 

This photo is a part of my own #personal #photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 5/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#DeconstructingSelfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #366SelfieChallenge #366daychallenge #365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies

March 22, 2020: Okay. I didn’t expect this to happen today but I’ve been proud of coming out pansexual last week but today another Instagram user and myself were attacked for choosing to label ourselves as pansexual, as others view the term as biphobic and promoting bi-erasure.

 

But in thinking about my sexuality in recent years I had read that there has been debate over use of the term in the LGBTQ+ community, but still believe deep down inside that the contemporary definition used today in 2020 is reflective of who I am: “Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is the sexual, romantic or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity. Pansexual people may refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are not determining factors in their romantic or sexual attraction to others.” As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that sex and sexual attraction is less and less important to me and that the spiritual bond and connection I share with a partner is more important.

 

Wikipedia also says: “Because pansexual people are open to relationships with people who do not identify as strictly men or women, and pansexuality therefore rejects the gender binary, it is often considered a more inclusive term than bisexual.” Ultimately, I don’t view my pansexuality as a choice, it’s something I truly believe I’ve always been. It just took a few decades for the terminology to catch up with how I felt. I also chose to view and promote my pansexuality in a positive context as I have no wish to ever take away from what others feel best describes their experience of who they are: be it heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, polysexual, sapiosrxual, or asexual.

 

It’s been 10 days since my last emotional breakdown. And this is part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie of me everyday, photo 82/366.

 

This was originally posted on my Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #366daychallenge #366selfies #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #comingout #comingoutpansexual #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid

From June 10, 2022: #Embracing and #confronting our #shadow can be difficult for me. I don’t like #confrontation. I shy away from it a lot. Today’s @beyourownbeloved #photo and #reflective writing prompts focussed in on the concept of the shadow.

 

We had fairly good weather today: it was both #sunny and #bright. So, I took the easy photos: ones where the sun hung high overhead, reflecting my frame onto #mundane surfaces like the grass and the pavement. But even my Monkey Mind felt they were shots I and so many others had done before.

 

So I left it for awhile… in fact, I almost forgot about it. Then, as I made my way out of my #bedroom early that evening, I caught a glimpse of my shadowy figure climbing up the wall. And I was enchanted. I wondered if that’s how artist Richard Hambleton @richardhambletonfoundation first discovered the kind of lanky figure that would form the basis for the shadowmen he painted in the 1970s and 80s. Had he glimpsed his own shadow on the wall of his flat a half century ago?

 

Today, I feel #tired. I slept in again. Eventually, I headed out and had a #manicure to shed the dry skin off of my feet. I have a #fan on at night and it sits near the foot of my bed, but wow it leaves my #feet so dry.

 

I also picked up a new @thetorocompany gas #lawn #mower as our older one finally bit the dust a few weeks ago. The grass at Mum’s needs cutting. It’s really high in some places, and my Maltese poodle pup along with my Mom’s miniature poodle push through it, as if trying to form a path through African long grass, with blades that were as high as their heads in some spots. It’s how I feel about life when my monkey mind natters away - it’s like I’m cutting through long grass, unsure of my destination, unsure of my life. And when I’m broken, I feel as ephemeral as my shadow on the wall.

 

161/365.

 

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #selfloveisnotselfish

February 21, 2020: The #wait to get my #blood drawn for #bloodwork.

 

Saw Dr. Sasi, who took over the #practice of my long time family #physician, Dr. Ivo David. The last time I had a complete #physical was just before Dr David sold his practice back in 2017 and the results scared me. Possibly #diabetic, #blood #pressure that was too #high, #overweight.

 

Flash forward to now and I’m in a place where I’m trying to finish the push I started to improve myself on all fronts where I know I had been #failing. And part of that includes taking care of my #health.

 

Next Friday I go in to find out the results and get a complete #physical.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 52/366 #breathing better tonight finally.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#DeconstructingSelfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #NotAPrettyFace #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies

March 21, 2020: Cutting the grass. But I have to admit the new pills I’m taking to lower my blood pressure - they have me feeling bleh.

 

And it’s been 9 days since my last emotional breakdown. I guess I don’t have to write this down everyday eh?

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 81/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #ThankYou #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #366daychallenge #366selfies 365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #LeapYear #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #comingout #comingoutpansexual #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #vulnerabilityisstrength #pansexualpride #artistsoninstagram #artoftheday #selfportrait #reverence #mindfulness

April 18, 2020: What a horrible 24 hours of either food poisoning or some kind of stomach bug. I was up all last night having it come out of both ends. In the back of my mind I wondered if I was getting COVID but don’t have any other symptoms related to that: no fever, no congestion or coughing and throwing up wasn’t listed as a symptom. But I had so much planned for today and that’s on hold.

 

It’s been 4 days since my last emotional breakdown.

 

And this #photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, photo 109/366.

 

This photo was originally posted to Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #2020Selfies #livingmybestlife #pansexual #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #iweigh #light #love #acceptance #stayhome #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #day #postoftheday #instagood #empowerment #love

March 30, 2020: I’m so grateful I signed on and am getting #counselling. Even if it’s just over Skype.

 

I’ve had spiritual counselling as well but the psychological counselling is helping too and she’s also very knowledgeable about the spiritual side so it compliments what I’ve had done.

 

But I found myself so paralyzed again, I’ve not been grounded. I’ve put off tackling things. I’ve let my doubt and insecurities move back in. I wrote a bit about it on Friday with my daily selfie project post... but yeah. I was so terrified an hour ago, I almost chickened out on the appointment but ultimately I made the call and I’m so glad I did.

 

I love myself. I care. I can do this. I have faith in my ability to do this, to do anything.

 

It’s interesting that I ended up with this photo collage, it wasn’t planned to look this way - I did a few shots and layered them in photoshop but it reminds me to not let my third eye chakra to get blocked.

 

It’s been 0 days since my last emotional breakdown. And this #photo is a part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie everyday, photo 90/366.

 

This photo collage was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #366daychallenge #366selfies #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #comingout #comingoutpansexual #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #bloodwork #lab #lgbtq #queer #pan #depressionawareness #depression #sadness #overcome

April 12, 2020: I’m combining my latest #book post with my daily selfie. Why? Because as I finished @shannonkaiserwrites transformative book, THE SELF LOVE EXPERIMENT, I started to #cry uncontrollably. My dog even jumped up onto the bed to see if I was ok - and since I was already holding my phone I took several #photos. Tears were replaced by a sense of calm and acceptance came over me: I was going to be okay. But the breakdown was partly due to the pent up tensions over the last week, related to old habits and fears that have had me paralyzed. And it happened as she read the closing remarks of the book (I’ve been listening to the audio book version as read by Kaiser herself), which was in the form of a letter...

 

“Dear Self,

 

I promise to love you for all that you are, as you are. I will always adore and honor your true needs. I trust you and know that you always have my best interest at heart. I am committed to self-care and showing up fully. I will be patient and trust that the timing is always right and everything is in divine order. I will choose hope and stay optimistic because I believe in our potential. I don’t have to force anything, or work so hard to figure things out, or change what is; you are enough as you are, and I love you for all that you have been, all that you are, and all that you are becoming. I love you.

 

Love, Me.”

 

These are the kinds of words I don’t normally speak to myself. But they are words I’ve needed to hear. They are words I’ve needed to say to myself, with reverence, kindness and care for myself. I loved this book for the clear, straightforward and even colloquial manner with which Kaiser shares her messaging. It’s deeply profound, well researched and tied together so much of what I’ve already been learning through other works I’ve read this year but with a clear focus on the importance of self worth. In short, I can’t recommend this book enough.

 

It’s been 0 days since my last emotional breakdown. And this #photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, photo 103/366.

 

These photos were originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #2020Selfies #livingmybestlife #pansexual #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #iweigh #love

April 5, 2020: I’ve long been critical of how I look. For years I #weighed over 250 pounds, and in 2017/18 I was the #heaviest I’d ever been at almost 270 pounds. I look at photos of me at that time and I get physically #ill. I want to untag myself from those photos because of how awful I looked - any heavier and you could have rolled me down a hill.

 

Today, I’m still critical of myself at around 220 pounds, when in February I was down to 215. I posted the other day about how I felt like a #failure again because it was going up.

 

I even asked two friends last night how could anyone ever be head over heals for me?

And there was my mistake.

 

Why wouldn’t anyone be head over heals for me?

 

I’m a genuinely good man who cares deeply for the people in his life. I have a great sense of humour, and even if I haven’t always been happy with my body I know I have an attractive face. I have beautiful blue eyes. And I have lost 50 pounds. And if I’ve done that then I can admit I can lose another 40. I can be kind to myself and be gentle with myself about how I look today because I know I’ve come so far, and I know others have seen that in me too. Ultimately it’s not that I didn’t look good before it’s that I didn’t live life with attention to the self-care and self-love I so desperately needed but had no idea how to give myself. Ultimately I’ll look better because it’s what I #desire, it’s the life that I want. I’ll look good because I love myself and give myself permission to make responsible choices about what I eat and how I exercise. I’ll do what feels good for me by walking in #nature more and not worrying as much about going to the gym because I hate that. No, I’ll be doing it for me, and not for someone else. Because ultimately I have to shift the language I use to describe the wonderful person I am.

 

So here’s a photo of me today with all my #flaws and #imperfections. I’m not ashamed of who I am.

 

It’s been 6 days since my last emotional #breakdown. And this #photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, photo 96/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #2020Selfies #livingmybestlife #pansexual #bodyneutrality #selflove #growth #iweigh @i_weigh #iamunfiltered

April 3, 2020: 223 pounds. I’m putting on weight. I hate it.

 

It’s been 4 days since my last emotional breakdown. And this #photo is a part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie everyday, photo 94/366.

 

This was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #366selfies #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #bloodwork #lab #lgbtq #queer #pan #depressionawareness #depression #sadness #pan

February 26, 2020: After two weeks of feeling more #confident and #secure, today I feel like I’ve had the #wind knocked out of me, like a sucker punch to the gut. I thought I was over feeling lost and alone, but I don’t think I’ve ever felt this lost and alone, and just so totally deflated, and utterly fucking useless.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 57/366.

 

This photo was initially posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #NotAPrettyFace #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies

April 20, 2020: I have so much to do, I got overwhelmed by it again. My stomach is still in knots, but it’s not as bad as it was on Friday. So that’s not helpful. I slept most of this morning which was helpful. I held my little girl for awhile and that was helpful. It reminded me of the importance of hugging meditation as a way of showing reverence and kindness for myself and this life. I have to finish an exam today and finish writing the dean and one other teacher. I’ve told several close friends about this that I feel like if I don’t finish it today I’m letting them down now, not just myself. I also have to cut my Mum’s lawn, I was gonna have done that on Saturday but was so sick. It’s grown very thick that if I leave it longer it will be a huge chore. I can do this. It’s time to find that hustle I know I have. It’s part of this growth I’m on. Time to practice what I’ve preached.

 

My game plan: do the multiple choice portion of the exam now. Review the essay. Write the teacher about the project for that class. Cut the grass. Have dinner. Do essay. Finish letter to dean. Thank myself by meditation before bed.

 

It’s been 6 days since my last emotional breakdown.

 

And this #photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, photo 111/366.

 

This photo was originally posted to Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #2020Selfies #livingmybestlife #pansexual #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #iweigh #light #love #acceptance #stayhome #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #day #postoftheday #instagood #empowerment #love

January 22, 2020: Driver’s #legs.

 

Part of my personal #photo #selfie project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 22/365 still with #bronchitis but pulling through.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#DeconstructingSelfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #NotAPrettyFace #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies

February 20, 2020: In touch with the #emotional #resonance of my soul after a #sound #healing meditation led by the brilliant @theda.phoenix / @theda_phoenix - thank you Theda.

 

I want to describe this more deeply. I started off the meditation in a seated position, but soon let myself lay on my back on the #yoga mat I had brought, my head resting comfortably on my small yellow pillow. Eyes closed, Theda’s #music flowed over my being and vibrated to the core of my bones. At one point, I swear I felt the presence of my late Father, and I got choked up. I miss him so much, and it’s been a long deep seeded fear that I’ve let him down with the choices I’ve made (and continue to make) in my #life.

 

At another point, I heard a familiar voice come into my mind during my meditation, softly saying, “…I believe in you Steven Hanju. I have FAITH in your ability to do it, to do ANYTHING…” And I just started sobbing deeply, lying there, my eyes closed. And her voice kept repeating in my mind, “…I believe in you… I have faith in you…” I felt tears welling up in my eyes. I swear it felt like they formed pools over my eyelids before trickling down the sides of my face. My body shook as I started to match the words of the Angel in my mind, “…I believe in me, I have faith in me…” Those words had originally been said to me last fall, by someone I will always hold dear to my heart and what’s worse is I don’t even remember acknowledging her saying those kind sentiments, that to me felt more powerful than any “I love you.”

 

It took awhile before I found the strength to sit up at the end of the beautiful session. I was still shaking. Theda came over and sat with me, as she did with a few of us who had been deeply moved. She gently rubbed my back with her hand and I started to cry deeply again, and she hugged me.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 51/366 #breathing better tonight, finally. Feeling stronger physically, but broken emotionally.

 

This photo was first posted on Instagram.

 

#DeconstructingSelfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #NotAPrettyFace #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies

January 13, 2020: A #long #day that saw me get around a bit. Went to the #doctor, and he put me on stronger #antibiotics.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 13/365, today with a head #cold (or #flu or #bronchitis?).

 

This photo collection was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#notadoctor #DeconstructingSelfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #NotAPrettyFace # 365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #unflatterimgselfie

March 13, 2020: With the events of the past week I came out yesterday as #pansexual, while introducing myself on a Facebook message forum for a new Kwantlen University Pride Collective page started by my friend @rpjey.

 

I figure if I can announce it there, I can announce it here. This is the first time I’ve used the word pansexual to describe myself. I have thought I was #bisexual in the past but was never that comfortable with the term. But the term pansexual, as its defined, feels 110% true to who I am and to whom I have always been.

 

For those not familiar with the term, Wikipedia says: “Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is the sexual, romantic or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity. Pansexual people may refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are not determining factors in their romantic or sexual attraction to others.” So here I am, walking the seawall, more free and confident than I have ever felt. More compassionate and mindful of myself and the world around me. I can’t believe last Sunday I was so close to ending it.

 

I’m Steven Hanju Lee and I’m a pansexual interdisciplinary artist with a long, bright future ahead of me.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 73a/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #ThankYou #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #366daychallenge #366selfies 365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #LeapYear #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #comingout #comingoutpansexual #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #pan #panpride #lgbt #lgbtq

January 20, 2020: Today I #woke up feeling #energized but soon after doing some #laundry I #crashed. Just no #energy. Mum said I looked #white as a #ghost and wouldn’t let me go out. So I #slept. Then I saw the #scale at my Mom’s place and climbed on, expecting to still be stuck at 230 lbs which is about the lowest weight I’ve been for twenty years now. So my surprise to see I’ve lost about fifteen pounds since last summer. I checked it twice and even checked it on an old manual scale.

 

Ideally I’d like to get to around 175 pounds which is my ideal weight. I need to tone up too. But for the first time in ever it feels manageable and within reach. Can I get to 190 by end of summer? 180 by December?

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 20/366 still with #bronchitis (although my breathing has improved #dramatically).

 

This photo collage was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#DeconstructingSelfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #NotAPrettyFace #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies

March 19, 2020: #BloodPressure is up. I’ve been bad at measuring it regularly over the last week. It’s been up and down.

 

I’m trying to put on a brave face. I know a huge chunk of my stress right now is the stress we are all facing. I need to get back into a routine especially now that I’m going to start self-isolating tomorrow after seeing my doctor. He will probably be putting me on blood pressure meds. I feel a bit like a failure because I can’t get it down, and my weight seems to have stagnated at 218. I hate this feeling of paralysis that seems to have taken over my life. This is NOT the man I want to be.

 

Oh and it’s now been 7 days since my last big emotional breakdown. And I am glad for that, to a degree, as I know a good cry can be good for the soul... but maybe I’m out of tears?

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 79/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #ThankYou #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #366daychallenge #366selfies 365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #LeapYear #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #comingout #comingoutpansexual #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #vulnerabilityisstrength #pansexualpride #artistsoninstagram #artoftheday #selfportrait #reverence

DAY 1: TAKING THE FIRST STEP

 

WHAT ARE YOU HOPING FOR IN THE JOURNEY AHEAD THIS MONTH?

 

As we begin this month of opening up to seeing ourselves with kindness through our cameras, what are you hoping for?

 

I went to sleep last night with an optimism that was crushed when I went to White Rock U-Lock to catch up on my storage locker payments. Grey fingerprint like swooshes on my black cane matched the cloudy sky above as I hobbled into their front office. Buried in my pocket, my left hand clenched my debit card & 10 $100 dollar bills. That cash, alongside a debit payment should have settled the debt, unlocking my online access so I could pay for my through year’s end. I greeted a lady at the front desk, explaining why I was there. She looked up my account, but it wasn’t there. Eventually she found 2 closed accounts: 1 for a small locker I had from 2008-‘13; & a larger one I’d had since ‘13.

 

“What do you mean closed?” I asked, my body beginning to shake with a trembling that flowed from my brain down along my spine & into my body like water being released from a damn. She said that my unit had been emptied on May 30, having been auctioned off earlier in the month. With that, my knees gave way as the soft wail of “No, no, no, no…” escaped my lips, melting into a sobbing as I hit the floor, curling into a kind of fetal position, aching all over, eventually hitting my face with my fists for how stupid I was. Tears stained my face when I realized my glasses had fallen off. As I picked them and myself off the floor I saw the left lens had popped out of the now broken frame. I desperately scanned the floor for the lens & soon found it. I then grabbed my debit card from the counter & pushed the cash towards the people on the other side, each piece taking flight & gently falling towards their desk & floor as I walked out. Fighting back more tears, I shouted out how I’d sue them all as I cobbled back to my SUV.

 

The last few weeks have been a struggle as I continue to battle my high blood sugar. My right arm has also been so stiff that I’ve had trouble picking things up, with pain trying to even grasp a pen to write. Yesterday, I took my blood sugar readings with a regularity my ADHD would be proud of: 17.6 mmol/L at 7am; 25.2 before lunch; 21.8 after it; 26.6 at 5pm; 13.7 at 8pm when I had dinner; then 18.4 at 10pm; & it’s hovered at 18 all day today. As I sit here looking at my phone, staring down at my legs, I wonder why I keep messing up.

 

I had been in touch over email with the location’s manager, an Abraham (Abe) Escobar, who for some reason I’ve always pictured as being a portly older gentleman with a big smile, a grey moustache, glasses, slightly balding with grey hair left on the sides & back of his head like a young Patrick Stewart. He was aware of my health issues that have had me at the hospital almost daily since mid-January. My account with them fell into trouble when I was tight on funds earlier this year. So, after 2 missed payments, White Rock U-Lock puts a hold on your access to their website payment portal. When I received funds again in April, I pleaded with them to release my online access, which they refused to do (what’s weirder is a demand letter from them sent to me by e-mail said payment could be made online). I clearly noted I was prepared to pay the entire outstanding amount, plus an amount that would carry me forward into next year. My last email to them was in May, the night I was in the hospital after collapsing in front of the police officers due to my blood sugar being over 25 mmol/L. I never got any final notification about my account being closed & my locker being sold. U-Lock has my cell number, my email, and my mailing address. I had received texts from them about paying, but never received any notification or calls that they were going to sell. My last text message from them was February 19, 2024.

 

I drove to Southpoint Exchange Mall, where I parked & broke down crying. I sent a few short video messages about the situation to a few friends. And I recalled everything I had in the locker: 4 steel shelves full of blank sketchbooks; boxes of unopened Star Wars Lego sets including a Millennium Falcon (which I was saving to build one day with my kid, should I ever be lucky enough to have one); dozens of new canvases of various sizes; an assortment of wood, plastic, and metal pieces saved for future sculptures; some old window frames I intended to use as the surface for future artworks; a tree sculpture made out of metal which I had made in Kent Anderson’s sculpture course (along with my ex-girlfriend’s large metal bird she had made in the same course); an old chair & table I’d used in an art installation; a few dozen election signs from various past elections which I had used in a series of installations in different parks and wanted to play with again one day; various costumes I’d used in performance art; a large Halloween skull; computer parts; tarps; framed photos I’d printed and used in different local art shows; several vintage typewriters I’d used in several installations; several slide projectors; several small monitors for displaying videos in exhibits; as well as styrofoam pieces I’d used in past sculptures (like the giant donut I made one year). I’m probably forgetting a lot, but there was easily over $10,000 worth of items in the locker: the basis for starting & maintaining a studio art career once I finished my degree. All pissed away because of my stroke, my depression, diabetes, and fucked up feet.

 

What would you love to feel in this experience?

 

I am desperate to feel positive again. It feels like whenever I get going again something knocks me back down. And having lost so many things this week, things that took me 16 years to collect, feels like I’ve taken a huge punch to my gut. It feels like some vulture swooped in a stole a huge part of my life, a huge part of who I want to be.

 

Are there certain types of selfies you hope to capture?

 

I want to continue experimenting with how I look at myself. I find I often get stuck in a sea of negativity. A sea of persistent negative thinking. And that’s reflected in how my selfies and written reflections I end up posting. I keep thinking of all I’ve lost, what was kept? What’s been trashed? Can I get it back?

 

IT CAN BE POWERFUL TO GIVE VOICE TO WHAT WE'RE NERVOUS OR FEARFUL OF TOO. WHAT FEARS OR WORRIES ARE ON YOUR MIND? By giving them space to be heard and knowing that they might come up again, it can help us begin to diffuse their power over us!

 

If I drank, I’d probably be doing that right now. But I don’t. All day since leaving the storage office my mind has desired to stuff my face with donuts from Hillcrest Bakery, chocolate bars from Thrifty Foods and London Drugs reached out towards me calling my name: “Steven, Steven - just one bite! Come on dude!” The image of myself in the front seat of my SUV tearing into a Reese Peanut Butter Cup and devouring all three so quickly passed through my mind, alongside the reading on my blood glucose meter ticking up higher and higher. But I resisted.

 

I don’t know what to do about the locker. A quick Google search revealed that the White Rock U-Lock earned over $4,000 from its auction, for a debt that would have been no more than $1,500. I’m terribly heartbroken, knowing I have to fight this somehow, but also having so much work to do at my place, my Mom’s and for the last few weeks of my condensed art history course. I’m terrified I’m going to fall into flight mode again, a slippery slope into depression that will probably result in me losing everything if I’m not careful.

 

(274/365).

 

This was originally posted on my Instagram.

 

#anxiety #depressed #depression #mentalhealth

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#sick #stroke #strokesurvivor #heartdisease #highbloodpressure #diabetes

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#selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #selfloveisnotselfish

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#feet #heels #scars

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#finearts #student #photography #selfie #subvertedselfies #writing #nonfiction #visualdiary #memoir #beyourownbeloved

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#WhiteRockULock #storage

April 1, 2020: You know that a bit of laziness has crept into your #covid life when you just throw a #jacket on over your #pajamas to go and get the #mail.

 

It’s been 2 days since my last emotional breakdown. And this #photo is a part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie everyday, photo 92/366.

 

This was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #366selfies #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #bloodwork #lab #lgbtq #queer #pan #depressionawareness #depression #sadness #pan

February 12, 2020: Capturing the #banal: getting my #hair #cut for the second time in 2020.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 43/366 still coughing (when will it ever end?!).

 

This post was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#DeconstructingSelfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #NotAPrettyFace #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #haircut #barber #barbershop #barbershopconnect #scissors #brushes #brush #combs #sportsfan #reflection #mirror

March 11, 2020: Fuck, I can look good sometimes. Going on a much needed walk on this beautiful afternoon. This photo would be even cooler had I remembered my sunglasses.

 

It’s been 1 day since I had an emotional breakdown.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 71/366.

 

This photo was initially posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #ThankYou #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #366daychallenge #366selfies 365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #LeapYear #DailySelfies

March 17, 2020: It’s me with the #PansexualFlag superimposed onto my face as a transparent layer.

 

And happy #SaintPatricksDay everyone!

 

Oh and it’s now been 5 days since my last emotional breakdown.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 77/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #ThankYou #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #366daychallenge #366selfies 365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #LeapYear #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #comingout #comingoutpansexual #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #vulnerabilityisstrength #pansexualpride #artistsoninstagram #artoftheday #selfportrait

March 28, 2020: Shopping at @choices_markets for weekly groceries.

 

It’s been 2 days since my last emotional breakdown. And this #photo is a part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie everyday, photo 88/366.

 

This was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #366daychallenge #366selfies #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #comingout #comingoutpansexual #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #bloodwork #lab #lgbtq #queer #shopping

February 7, 2020: Travelogue: From @thecityofsurrey to @audainartmuseum in Whistler.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 38/366, still coughing a bit.

 

These photos were originally posted on Instagram.

 

#DeconstructingSelfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #NotAPrettyFace #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies

From April 17, 2020: I really loved how the light of the sunset looked behind me. I’m really starting to love how I look, especially when the photo turns out good!

 

As I’ve been power washing I hooked up my headphones to my iPhone so I can listen to my @audible app, and I finished JOY SEEKER by @shannonkaiserwrites. What an incredible book. Very awe-inspiring and it gave me so much to think about. I’m going to be listening to it again very soon as there are journal exercises to work through (and there are some awesome prompts at the end of THE SELF-LOVE EXPERIMENT). And those exercises are very important to help get the full benefit from the joy allowing experience.

 

I’m behind on my daily 1s videos but have stuff shot I just need to edit them together. I hope to get them done very soon.

 

Today I’m wearing a @tommyhilfiger t-shirt, my rose quartz pendant from @whitbys_books_and_gifts and my aventurine pendant from @bellas_miracle_shop. Under my personal protective equipment eyewear, I’m rocking my @officialmauijim prescription sunglasses.

 

It’s been 3 days since my last emotional breakdown.

 

And this #photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, photo 108/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #2020Selfies #livingmybestlife #pansexual #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #iweigh #light #love #acceptance #stayhome #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #day #postoftheday #instagood #empowerment #love #powerwashing #personalprotectionequipment #ppe #sunglasses