View allAll Photos Tagged Selfdoubt
So I really liked the concept from my photo yesterday but wanted to improve on it because there were just things that didn't work for me. This is more like the idea I had in my head (ironically). This also kind of embodies how I feel a lot of the time. I have a lot of self doubt and anxiety that can hold me back in life. I try to get better and I have somewhat over the years. But there are still those nights that I am up all night thinking......
Day 45 of 365
Challenge: Peace. My first thought was to photograph the person letting go of these boxes with a balloon tied on them. My local store was out of helium so this was the second thought. Not as cool perhaps, but it makes the point. If you want peace, throw these things out, and walk away.
Thank you to everyone who commented with ideas on how to get out of a retrogressive groove. It all helped! Here's a blend of three images using the Enlight app in the iPhone5s.
**Warning: self-absorbed rant ahead**
here goes...my rant has been floating around my hamster wheel brain for a couple days now. I'll call it "all about me - my 365 rant". I
had several reasons for starting my 365: becoming a better photographer, the journaling aspect, self-awareness/self-perception, overcoming fear and last but not least, having fun.
Today is day 229 and 365 definitely consumes a large part of my life - mainly in
positive ways but it also really provides a lovely breeding ground for a mess of issues i've been dragging around my whole life. And some days, I just don't feel like dealing with them. But every day, there they are.
I'm tired of fighting with my inner critic (who doesn't seem to understand the concept of
constructive criticism) and letting these thoughts rule:
1) I'm not interesting, talented, creative, funny, or attractive
2) Especially compared to all the amazing photographers on flickr
3) Jealous/envious of above-mentioned amazing photographers
4) Feeling bad about feeling jealous, feeling bad about focusing on myself so much when there's a gazillion other horrible things going on in the world
5) Back to feeling like a failure because I feel like I haven't
progressed at all in 229 days
6) So many other people have grown so much in their 365 and I'm still *here*
7) Compare, compare, compare and find myself lacking
A good friend once told me long ago that I obsess over the negative things people say or do about/toward me and brush off anything complimentary. I've come a long way but this project has really made me see how much of that *crap* is still lying around.
But most of the time I'm still having fun with 365, I've met amazing people and one of the many lessons I'm learning is that I need to stop avoiding my crap, quit blaming other people for it and realize I'm the one causing all the problems.
I have to admit... I've never been a girly girl. And I never will be. That didn't used to bother me, didn't used to make me bat an eye. I grew up in Iowa, as a farmgirl, interested in animals and books and nature and science. I hardly played with dolls past the age of two (instead sticking by the Legos and Breyer Horses) and flatly refused to wear dresses for all but the rarest of events.
As I've gotten older, though, I've become slightly more girly. But just slightly... I won't deny a love of flowers, pretty fabrics, cute kitchenware and a good perfume. I even like to dress up at times, but admit that it makes me feel pretty much ridiculously uncomfortable. Living in a city has made me acutely aware that I lack, utterly, a sense of style. I see women every day that I envy, in their carefully picked outfits, their feminine dresses, their lipstick and nail polish and heels.
And though I know that's not me, and never will be, I still feel that twinge of jealousy at times. Because those girls are the worshiped ones, the ones society puts on a pedestal and on magazine covers and in advertisements. The young, the hip, the thin, the beautiful. And living in a city, it's hard at times to remember that the world I fit into best - the outdoorsy hikers, the nerdy scientists, the quiet bookworms - is out there.
I struggle with such concepts on a daily basis - who I am, who I'm expected to be, and who I want to be. I let my inner critic tell me all the ways in which I could be better, and all the ways in which I come up short, compared to others. And I wonder at times, does anyone else do this? Those pretty girls, walking around town with their wavy curls and tall boots and perfectly picked jewelry - do they ever falter, in their confidence?
I may never know.
Oh, and... I figured such thoughts probably paired best with a self portrait. So here's me, reading in bed at Belle Isle Castle (yes, wearing my glasses... that's rare), during a 30-minue exposure.
not looking for comments. i know this isn't very good. but it IS how i feel.
i am going to try and continue this project but, like everyone else who's doing it, it's kind of a day to day decision for me. i really appreciate all the pep talks from various folks and i don't mean to make such a fuss about something so little. i never knew this little project would become so important to me. i guess i'm just having one of those "snowball" effect moments.
song of the day: isn't it a pity, by george harrison
tomorrow will be a better day. i've heard the sun is finally going to come out.
fingers crossed.
I've been in a funk for the past month and haven't been inspired to take a photo. However, this morning I saw Roxie leaning on Frank in front of the fireplace and it brought a warm feeling to my heart. I grabbed the little Point and Shoot on the table and took this shot. Maybe it will spur me to get back on track.
Happy Cliche Saturday - HCS (Dogs, a fireplace and a quote -pretty cliche huh ?)
Happy Slider Sunday - HSS
Sometimes when you wake up you can feel the loneliness. You see nearly everone in your surrounding is in a happy relationship and you wonder why you are still alone. Is there something wrong with yourself? Is there nobody who is interested in you? Will you ever fell in love again?
Sunday, 28 September 2014
I'm redesigning my website and I had all these lofty goals about launching in the New Year. HA! ProPhoto, the software I use, re-engineered their interface two iterations ago and basically I'm at a point now where I have to update to stay current on the backend. I am NOT a web designer so the learning curve, even with tutorials, is steep. I'm making progress but it's slow going.
Speaking of slow going, my WW journey has crawled to a halt, through no fault of my own. I've been dealing with some medical issues since October and though I am fairly transparent, I've become a much more private person as I've gotten older. Curtis has also been dealing with some professional changes. The kids are great and I am incredibly grateful for that. But the net result is that I've pulled back from everyone and have isolated myself.
I miss sharing my thoughts though... I write as a way of processing through difficult parenting challenges and facing the demons in my head. Sometimes in the past, I felt shut down or shushed by others, and I allowed what other people thought chase me away from blogging and sharing my authenticity. I'm going to try to get back to what makes me... well ME. I like to create art that resonates with me, that expresses how I'm feeling or what I'm facing. Right now, I've been in a cycle of self-doubt. I need to break it. I'm still involved in our local photography club, the New Braunfels Photographic Society (in fact, I'm on the Board of Directors!). January's theme was Shadows. I created this image with all of these challenges in mind. Fear, anxiety, self-doubt, being paralyzed by inaction, feeling like time is wasting away. I see myself in the mirror wondering who the hell I'm looking at.
Don't worry - I'm not in a bad place, this is just what came out tonight when I sat down to create my project picture. I'm as OK as I ever am. Not that that says much.
Day 321
Photo by: ThouzndWords www.KristiHedbergPhotography.com. Breast Cancer makes you question everything in your life. How much can my body take? What defines my feminity? How important is my feminity to being a whole person? OH YEAH--and where did my hair go?
The We are Here challenge on March 10 2017 was: Did I leave the iron on?
Lighting: 1 SB-600 1/8 left, 1 Neewer 750ii 1/8 right, both into reflective umbrella, wireless triggers
Sometimes we are our worst enemy.
6th image of this self portrait series. Concept about self destruction.
blog also includes a description of yesterday's image.
"Those who don't believe in magic, will never find it"
- Roald Dahl
Some things may seem impossible. I say seem, because if you don't try, you'll never know. If you never start, you can never fail. True.
But then you'll never achieve something you have never achieved before.
If you believe you can't do something, why should someone else believe it for you?
There is a good point in failing. And that is learning. Learning how to be better, grander, more successful.
Endless possibilities, if you believe.
This is a reference to the beautiful chateau we went to in the end of May this year with the Brooke Shaden retreat. I was so overwhelmed with the beauty and the pressure to create that I was destined to fail. That was my thought process. So I just began writing and photographing.
This may not be my best edit ever, but it is one that I treasure because of the learning experience.
Model: Jen Brook
Does anyone have any experience/tips to share on handling this? I'm in this negative, retrogressive groove right now and finding it hard to snap out of it. Grrr...
WOW..I really didn't expect this..this shot..this feeling..when snapping the photo..It always interests me to see the outcome of a photo and the things one can see in it after the fact..THIS is one of those shots! Because I could see what I saw in this..it was an overwhelming opportunity for me to face up..to let out..to not hide nor bottle up what is really behind this eye...I titled it childhood as it so reminded me of how a little girl (me)would gaze up at their parent..in complete trust and faith to protect me...from all evil, especially at a young age. Honestly..in the raw..naked..out here for all to see..unfortunately, in my childhood, protection of me and my most important things fell well through the cracks! I don't feel so all alone with it though as abuse is so commonplace ...and I'd venture to bet many of you..my friends here..my contacts..have suffered the same...Yes..it is disturbing and it completely alters ones existence...it shatters..it tears...it burns..it bruises...it punctures...it angers deeply..it questions..it wonders..it seeks revenge..it does not heal..it does not forgive..even though it wants to..can it ever? So you see....we are together in our alone-ness!
listen.grooveshark.com/#/song/Creed_Wash_Away_Those_Years...
Wash Away Those Years
She came calling
One early morning
She showed her crown of thorns
She whispered softly
To tell a story
About how she had been wronged
As she lay lifeless
He stole her innocence
And this is how she carried on
This is how she carried on
Well I guess she closed her eyes
And just imagined everything's alright
But she could not hide her tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years
My anger's violent
But still I'm silent
When tragedy strikes at home
I know this decadence Is shared by millions
Remember you're not alone
Remember you're not alone
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
They were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years
For we have crossed many oceans
And we labor in between
In life there are many quotients
And I hope I find the mean
the mean, the mean
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Well if you just close your eyes
And just imagine everything's alright
But do not hide your tears
'Cause they were sent to wash away those years
Maybe we can wash away those years
I hope that you can wash away those years
this is long. sorry!
please, oh please don't worry about what is written below.
and i mean NO offense here, but please don't advise me. this is where i come to vent, to be truthful and to put my trust out into the void. it comes back to bite me once in a while, but i still choose candor and honesty. "radical trust" as a close friend calls it.
i, like millions of others, have depression. it's mild, it's controlled and it is not nearly so dramatic as it sounds. it just simply... is.
i'm bringing this up because a flickr friend wrote to me today and asked me why i don't smile more in my photos. that really struck me. in general, i consider myself fine and dandy. i laugh easily, love much as the saying goes. but i guess subconsciously, i let another part of me come through in this project. one that i don't focus on all the time. but it does seem to creep into my photos. i don't see this as anything to worry about. doing these pics actually helps me a bit. helps me get the feelings out and away from me. an emotion i can look at from a distance instead of from the inside out. i don't know if that makes sense. it does to me. i call it "art as therapy".
the people who know me outside of this site, know me as cheerful, funny and someone who bounces back from most things fairly well. but i've got this "stuff" in me too and i'm not ashamed of it. i just see it as part of what makes me, me.
i hope that answers the question of why i don't smile more here. i don't ever set out to take a serious photo only. i just go with the moment that i have the camera in front of me.
so, there you have it. a little more absolute truth.
i personally think nearly everyone has some form of depression.
it's just a matter of degrees.
and care.
and not being ashamed.
peace, love and SMILES to all.
song of the day: landslide, by fleetwood mac
Looser
I suffer from self-dobut
while my self creates
a winner
HKD
The source of my doubt is "my" self.
Das Negative (Teufel, Destruktive)l hat den Ursprung in "meinem" Selbst
Yeah. I'm still recycling shots. This one fits my recent mood well. I thought I had something to say on that topic, but I don't feel like it. Maybe I'll fill this box in with something clever later. Probably not.
we just had our last rehearsal without an audience.
now a day off and then previews begin.
not happy with myself.
song of the day: perfect, by alanis morissette
Yes, while you glimpse at my foot, ankle, and calve, clad in hosiery and 3.5" pumps, you have the choice to just look at the pretty picture, or read the rambling text that follows.
----------
I'm probably going to catch hell for this, but I have to get this off my chest. I've struggled with this for about the past 24 hours.
A friend of mine came up with a theory why I manifest as Julie Anne, citing that I was created as a means to give myself an identity independent from my male alter-ego, and therefore independent from my mother, and if I told her about this side of me, I would lose the desire to continue doing this.
If that is the case, then why is that practically every single day for about the last 14 months, have I....
* Paid very close attention to how women do their makeup, how they dress, walk, act, etc?
* Kept harboring an urge to further develop my persona, even down to how I interact with others online, write, do artwork, play games, etc? (I did mention I was playing "Style Savvy" for the Nintendo DS, right? ^_^; )
* Continued to further refine my makeup (still working on it, it's never-ending... I keep wanting to acquire more.), the way I dress, act, and adding on to my wardrobe? (I'm always thinking about my next dress, skirt, shoes, perhaps an age-appropriate outfit, etc.)
* Become increasingly envious of all the costume and outfit choices women have?
* Become increasingly less fond of being referred to as "sir" when I'm not presenting as Julie Anne?
* Keep hoping for the eventual day when I'll meet people I've kept correspondence with? (fellow t-girls and admirers alike?)
* Kept planning for my eventual return to the workforce (Keeping an ultra low profile at work, but hopefully getting away with smoother skin, absence of body hair on arms, etc., perhaps considering getting my ears pierced (Hey, "normal" guys are getting both ears pierced nowadays!), and of course, paying off my remaining bills, saving up enough, and preparing to eventually work my way up to a career/income range where I can finally get out on my own, and have the freedom to be whoever I feel like being, initially in the privacy of my own home, and eventually, outside of it?
* Felt increasingly awkward and out of place when presenting as male?
At this time in my life, I have no desire to go all the way and close out my male life. I am not considering SRS, but hoping to be a "part time" girl. This is a journey I've barely started, getting more courageous since late April 2010, and continuing forward until I find out what sort of answers lay ahead for me. This has been a part of me for over half my life, and a part of me I've suppressed for a long, long time. Last summer, I came to the conclusion that I couldn't keep hiding anymore.
At this point in my life, I am unemployed, I'm desperately looking for a purpose in my life. My life at this moment is essentially a partial "do-over" - I have the opportunity to more or less reinvent myself, hopefully for the better. All I have to look back, other than bits and pieces of victories, achievements in school and work, and acknowledgements of my talents in writing, art, costuming, and makeup, is a growing sense of overall "failure" in following the "path that is expected of me" in the male gender. I am firmly entrenched in middle age, am still living at home with a parental unit, well beyond the age where I should be out on my own, I have never actually dated, or had an actual girlfriend. I've had a couple friends joke that I was gay (I think it stemmed back with my preoccupation with a character in an anime parody dub called "This is Otakudom" -- A character who kept insisting he wasn't gay, even though he was a yaoi fan, acted and dressed effeminately (Hey, they used a lot of Fushigi Yuugi footage, and the character was essentially Nuriko), and was rather unfortunately named "Donny Gayeman" ^_^;) - I've always suspected one or two of my friends of wanting to "cure" me, even confronting them with it.
I don't need to be "fixed", or "cured" - I want to find out the truth, no matter how many times I f*** up, how many setbacks I endure, or how long it may take. I am re-dedicating myself to the "greatest adventure" of my life -- Who I am, and what my place is in this world.
So, why did I create a female persona for myself? Why did I take the name I was going to be given if I was born a girl? Why do I post pictures of myself dressed as a woman? Why am I studying how real women look and act, in order to refine myself and become better at passing as one? I'm sure I'll find the answers in time, and eventually fade away to follow whatever destiny has in store for me.
For now, I continue asking questions, fighting my way to each individual victory, and as always, continuing to seek whatever truth is out there. I am gaining allies, even a few, and I am making myself more visible, even in a small way. Perhaps if I hold out long enough, my time will come. I have to keep believing. I can't go back and return to the way I was. That way doesn't work for me any longer.
I will not turn back - I must keep moving forward - I must confront my fears - I must overcome them - I will not acknowledge defeat - Failure, purging, or deleting "myself" are not valid options.
I am who I am... No more excuses, no more apologies. Accept me or leave me. I will survive to continue the journey, regardless.
Good point. The thoughts and words we think of ourselves are so much more powerful than the words others speak about us. I don’t really care what others think I can or can’t do like I used to… I only focus on what I think I can do…
Year 5 of 365: Life, Love, and the Pursuit of Happiness
I don't believe in magic
I don't believe in I-Ching
I don't believe in Bible
I don't believe in Tarot
I don't believe in Hitler
I don't believe in Jesus
I don't believe in Kennedy
I don't believe in Buddha
I don't believe in Mantra
I don't believe in Gita
I don't believe in Yoga
I don't believe in Kings
I don't believe in Elvis
I don't believe in Zimmerman
I don't believe in Beatles
I just believe in me
God is a song by John Lennon, from his first post-Beatles solo album, John Lennon/Plastic Ono Band.
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/God_(John_Lennon_song)
Public domain picture of Bhagavad Gita's revelation: Krishna tells the Gita to Arjuna via Wikimedia Commons w.wiki/685X
May your mind
Be free of any doubt
About to be or not to be
And realize itself.
HKD
Doubt closes the mind.
Möge dein Geist,
befreit von jedem Zweifel
über Sein und Nicht-Sein
sich selbst erkennen
HKD
The fourth in a series re-interpreting works by modern scupltors in terms of human emotions and how they "speak" to me. This is inspired by a piece by Steinunn Thorarinsdottir, an extraordinary artist whom I was lucky enough to discover on a recent trip to Iceland. Do look at the "Carved upon my Soul" set to see the other photo/paintings in the series. And if you like this don't forget to press "f" :)
What people in Harvard Square like about themselves, written on same-size sheets of paper that were taped neatly to a glass wall at the entrance to the subway station.
Some of what they liked: "my tummy + tits," "my red hair," "my black hair," "my self-doubt," "my eyes," "my lips," "the way God made me," "my abs," "my legs," "my arms," "my face," "my height," "my feet," "my stomach," "my smile and freckles," "my brain," etc.
con·tem·pla·tive
/kənˈtemplətiv/
Adjective
Expressing or involving prolonged thought.
"Freedom of speech and freedom of action are meaningless without freedom to think. And there is no freedom of thought without doubt." ~Author : Bergen Inspirational Sayings
I wish....
I wish the world valued freedom of speech but would think before speaking,
I wish it was second nature to think of others before oneself,
I wish there was more time to play,
I wish there was a cure for cancer....and Parkinson's......and Alzheimer's....and....
I wish life was fair,
I wish for more laughter and love in the world,
I wish for certainty about the things that matter,
I wish I had a magic wand
to make all my wishes come true.
ODC: Freedom
2B Day 24: Capture an emotion
113 in 2013: #112 I Wish...
3rd December - 9th December 2012
This photo was taken weeks late unfortunately, but I refuse to be behind for the new year.
---------------
I keep putting off this project, and it feels like I can never catch up, and my heart bends inwards.
I don't feel like I am developing, blooming at all; more that my leaves have black-spot, and I'm trying my best to photosynthesise but the disease is spreading through my lungs. I am falling again and I need to remember who I am.
The way she was staring at her own egg gave me a feeling how sometimes we begin doubting what is RIGHTFULLY OURS and in the process give it away. If the heart says so just GO FOR IT..for something that can truly enrich existence.
Going through a transition has a way of bringing negative energy and vibes to your front door from both expected and unexpected sources. Doesn't help when some of that energy is produced by yourself. Moments like these, music helps. Whether it's to fall into past memories, spark creativity or draw inspiration. Anything from video game music like Mass Effect 2 & Metal Gear Solid to movie scores like Hanz Zimmer, Two Steps from Hell, Explosions in the Sky & Disney. Even artists like Regina Spektor, Childish Gambino, JayZ, Damien Rice, Kid Cudi, Brett Dennen and a few others can help to keep you from that abyss.
Currently Listening to:
"Nuclear" - Mike Oldfield
"My Name is Lincoln" - The Island
"Everybody's gotta learn sometime" - Beck
"Talking To Myself" - Chiddy Bang
"Protectors of the Earth" - Two Steps from Hell
"Hyperion" - Celldweller
"Battle Scars" - Lupe Fiasco ft. Guy Sebastian
"Mass Effect 2 Main Theme"
"0 - 100" - Drake
"Erase Me" - Kid Cudi
"Let it Go" - Frozen
"Thinkin Bout You" - Frank Ocean
So I got it. The 30D.
Boy, I really hope this photography thing isn't just a "phase".
Garwood, NJ
August 2006
A rebirthing of my soul in the the shape of a dream about an eight string bass guitar. www.lucidcommunication.com/2011/09/24/8-string-bass-guita...
Had this idea for a few days and I shot it yesterday with a high school friend. I always have the idea that when we look in the mirror for self-evaluation, there is always something lurking, not literally but emotionally. It’s the part of us that holds all the negativity and self-doubt. Having been sick for so long, I got used to looking in the mirror and seeing exactly what I knew was there; something that was not me. It was always hiding behind me, somewhere in the back of me. I still can’t look in the mirror without a shred, a small piece of this creature that contains my doubt standing there.
(Note: This is a repost of an entry I posted to PINKEssence and my own blog (Who Is Julie Anne - julieanne.networkr3.com/ ) last night.)
First of all, I would like to apologize for the lack of updating as of recent, at least within the last day or two. I've been going over some things in my head, for lack of a better term, I'll call it a "crisis of faith."
I've heard of an expression that's more or less been adpoted here in the trans community, referred to as the "pink fog" (for girls who want to be boys, it's known as the "blue fog") - I think I've been in it for quite a bit. I've had a bit of a falling out with a friend of mine, in fact, one of the first friends I've told about me. He seems to have his reasons why he thinks I dress up. In fact, I get the feeling that he thinks he knows what's best for me, more than I do.
I felt really terrible on most of the drive home from out of town Saturday night/Sunday morning. I actually considered deleting my entire Flickr account, closing down my blog site, and pulling the plug on my Facebook and Twitter sites - Essentially deleting myself from online. I know that's an irrational and selfish response, and it wouldn't benefit anyone, besides myself.
I promised myself I wouldn't purge, and that goes for virtual purging. I intend to remain an online presence, and hopefully soon, a physical presence, at least beyond my own home or hotel room.
My friend doesn't care about hearing about what I'm planning to do, feeling that it's strictly a "fetish". I've resolved never to bring it up in front of him again. One failure, three successes, hopefully.
I've done so much to move forward, in the hopes of learning to love myself, regardless of who I am, that to turn back or "unmake" myself is not possible. The key seems to be achieving some sort balance between both sides of me.
I'm stil moving forward, regardless. Where I end up will determine on where I'm at, and how I feel.
For now, I'm still part-time, and most likely will be for quite some time. It doesn't make me any less of a person. It doesn't mean I'm a failure as a man. It means I just have something more than most out there.
Obviously, it won't help to rush into things. I'll have more to say about this. I've got things to get in motion for the upcoming weekend.
(Looking back from Monday evening: I feel a bit better how, having received messages of support from a couple new contacts on Pe. I am moving forward, regardless of anyone else trying to "buzz-kill" me.)
I've been posting and deleting lately and I just want to say sorry to all who have taken the time to fave and comment on my work. I really do appreciate it! I guess I'm starting the new year with a lot of self-doubt. I desperately want to find my true style in photography but I feel lost. There is so much incredible work here on Flickr that I am in awe of.... just check out my favorites. Sometimes I don't feel good enough.