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Repossessing Virtue: Humility Is the Basis of My New Faith (December 14, 2008)
(this essay originally appeared on SOF Observed as part of the Speaking of Faith series, "Repossessing Virtue" at speakingofaith.org/first-person/repossessing-virtue/)
Editor's note: We asked our listeners and readers to tell us their stories about the moral and spiritual aspects of the economic downturn. In the coming months, we'll be featuring some of these on SOF Observed an as part of our First Person project, "Repossessing Virtue."
Jessica Sundheim reminds us that personal transformation and understanding happens at any age. She kicks off this first person exploration, and continues our series of interviews with wise voices, including Martin Marty, Prabhu Guptara, Esther Sternberg, Rachel Naomi Remen, and others to come.
Since I was very young, like just about everyone I know, I had a strong mechanism deep within that could smell injustice, layer upon layer of it. I knew at age three that going to daycare sucked, and I knew that my peers were favored because we were cared for by their mother. However, the complexity of greater social injustices didn't really begin to sink in until I turned 25. Before then I think of myself as a protestor/whiner. I saw the injustice at face value and whined about it. Growing up on poverty and years of watching PBS documentaries of war demonstrations, the liberation of concentration camps, civil rights marches, The Wonder Years, and listening to my parents old LP's of The Beatles and Janice Joplin had left their mark.
The tragedy of 9/11 took place just weeks after my 23rd birthday. It was shaking, like someone had struck a chord that had resonated for years and then on 9/11 someone struck a new chord, a chord no one knew. I quit my job to stay home with my kids. I flew home to Tennessee with my toddler and eight-month-old baby to visit family. We bought a new car. We waited. I was ready to act, but no direction came. I also began to seek out spiritual renewal and joined a very fundamentalist Bible study. Soon, my car was tuned to a different station, one that focused on my family and my role in it instead of news and the world. My head was filled with directives to isolate, seclude my young, and become as perfect as possible. My goal was to be Jesus Christ and to get everyone else to be just like me.
The mechanism that smelled injustice began to be tweaked. "Could it really be injustice if the person isn't a Christian? God works for the good of those who believe in him." Personal behavior and faith status became the stick with which I measured out those who suffered for no cause of their own and those who deserved it. No longer a sheep in the flock, I wasn't even the shepherd; I was the butcher, me and about 5 million others. So when the war that I had been fated to protest for years came, I was blinded by a belief system that mandated an eye for an eye.
My belief system had little sympathy or compassion for people who could not control their sinful nature. I didn't even believe in funding public schools, or that women should work outside the home. Our society was falling apart because of working women, sex, Godless public education, taxes, and fast food. I really, really believed in this.
Shortly after 9/11 my husband became the director of an environmental learning center. Two years later, when the funding was cut and the center folded my life changed. I started a cleaning business at seven months pregnant because no business would hire me, and I got a job as a coordinator for an after school program (in a public school). I also became vehemently opposed to any business that would have the audacity to discriminate against a pregnant woman.
My husband worked endlessly. He had three jobs. He went to tutor at the school at 3:00 p.m., from there he went to his overnight factory job at 6 p.m. He got home after working an 11-hour shift at 5 a.m. At 9 a.m., after four hours of sleep, he went on call as an EMT with the local ambulance service. He could still catch some sleep if he didn't get a call. Without the paycheck that we had become accustomed to, public school began to look like a good deal, my dream of home schooling was fading. Something I had railed against for years (welfare) began to look like a social safety net. I'll never forget the time I was at a Christian women's meeting and the director of the food shelf leaned over and said, "You can go to the food shelf so many times per year. You should go." She squeezed the life out of my hand, as if to say if you don't go I'll hurt you. I went.
I'll never forget that experience. I, a hard working, educated, sober, business woman was going to a food shelf! The people were so nice. The form was one page, about five questions. I thought we'd get enough food for one meal, but I had to pull my car around so that I could unload box after box into my car. We were given so much, I couldn't fit it all in my cupboards. We ate every last can of tuna, box of instant potatoes, and even SPAM with relish.
Humility is the basis of my new faith.
I do not look at the state of our country's economy as a crisis in the same way as most. The state of affairs is an opportunity, in many ways. I still have a sense of justice, and so I think that someone should pay for the frivolous, machismo, arrogant politics and policies of the last 15 years. But, I know that for the most part the powerless, not the propagator, will suffer most in this mess.
However, poverty for me is no longer a judgment handed down to the lazy, uneducated, drunken, egocentric sloth. I no longer define poverty by neighborhood, class, education, or even bank account. Poverty is to lack the ability to help others as one would want to help oneself. Poverty is the inability to forgive — the blind, misinformed faith that isolates and secludes a person from joy, self-forgiveness, compassion, and love for one's neighbor.
Our family has gone through a financial crisis much like what the country is facing now. We have learned a lot and I feel that we are better off. The leadership I am looking for at this time is a leadership that believes in everyday people. Leadership that doesn't look at the person's bank account or position of status to find value, but instead a leadership that understands the inherent value of every citizen of this country. A leadership that doesn't seclude or isolate, but reaches out to all of us and in turn gives some useful direction, a map.
What am I doing differently? I am no longer a secluded housewife. My kids go to school. We moved to a new community. I am grateful for welfare, food stamps, and Medicare even though we no longer use them. The food shelf still rocks. Involved in my local political party, I fought hard for a candidate with real vision as a delegate to the DFL state convention. (I am the former chairperson for the Big Stone County Republican Party). For the last year I worked two jobs, helped plan a fundraiser, door knocked for Barack, had a house party, marched in a lawn chair brigade in many parades for my local candidate for Minnesota House Seat 10A. As the volunteer coordinator for A Center for the Arts, I naturally voted "yes" on the constitutional amendment.
I find wisdom at a unique church. The church is actually two churches, United Church of Christ and a Presbyterian church, which came together to worship in the same house when a tornado blew through town almost a hundred years ago. The six of us live in a two-bedroom house on the tracks in the "ghetto" of Fergus Falls, and I let the kids play with the neighbors. I could not be more different, or any further from my old idea of "perfection."
I find leadership in my elders, veterans, the people who grew up during the Great Depression, and my grandmother. I also look for ways to be of use. I find spiritual renewal in many forms of art, but my favorite is dance. I enjoy other's points of view and I don't always know mine. I like collaborating.
I once called into an MPR pledge drive during SOF to protest the show and withdraw my membership. I am sorry. Now, I want to tell you thank you. This [essay] is humongous, but it's been a journey and I wouldn't be the person I am now without having listened to the different ideas and perspectives (especially an interview with an Evangelical fundamentalist a few years back). Your show makes a difference, so I look forward to tuning in.
Jessica Sundheim was born during the Carter administration and lives in Fergus Falls, Minnesota.
“Living in Seattle makes it easier to be Muslim, I think.”
» Read Maria's complete reflection
(photo: A group picture of Muslims who took part in the Edmonds, Washington 2009 Fourth of July parade. My daughter and I took part in the parade and she said, "You know, the Fourth is my favorite holiday.")
Water based oil on canvas, 36" x 48"
Original tiger photograph by Tommy Simms on Flickr.com
The ancestors of modern tigers evolved of 42 million years.
www.livescience.com/17723-sabertooth-cats-powerful-arms.html
Hearing the interview with Alan Rabinowitz on Krista Tippett’s NPR show called, “Being,” touched me on many levels. As a child Rabinowitz was crippled with a stuttering problem that was so severe, they put him in the classes with the kids who had learning problems and forgot about him. He couldn’t speak to people, but he could speak to animals. And as this broken child connected with a broken, caged leopard in the zoo he made a promise. If he could ever complete a sentence, he’d be the voice for the animals. Rabinowitz went on to learn how to control his breath and now he is doing what he said he would do for the big cats. He’s doing it very well. He's got a PhD in Zoology, acts as the CEO for panthera.org, and he's really making a difference. Years later as he’s tracking a wild black panther through the jungle, the panther slips in behind him and he comes face to face with it. Now he measures his spirit to this healthy, wild animal and the story comes full circle. Rabinowitz says this about tigers:
“Spiritually I feel very strongly about the tigers. I think you can drop me off any place in the world and I can tell you if the big cats are around me or not. I have been face to face with wild lions, with wild jaguars, and there is a real energy emanating from them. I’ve been in jungle and watched as big cats move through the jungle and hear all of the animals go silent as the big predator moves through it. The energy in a jungle with big predators is a very, very different energy, and when you truly merge with it and feel it, it’s not a dangerous energy. It’s not a negative energy — completely the opposite. It’s this huge, positive, overwhelming force which humbles you, makes you realize that there are things much greater on the Earth than you.”
Peter Levine wrote one of my favorite books. It’s called, “Waking the Tiger.” Levine talks about the fight or flight response everyone has to a traumatic event. When something bad happens to you and it leaves you paralyzed with fear, the energy of the event slips inside you. It keeps hurting you. You spend all your time replaying the event over and over looking at the situation from different angles to make sure it never happens to you again. Meanwhile it saps your strength. However, if you can look at the event, re-write the story, re-focus the energy and wake the tiger, you can get the energy to move through you instead of letting is get stuck inside you. This process makes you strong. Learn how to re-create yourself. Learn how to re-create the world by waking the tiger and facing what paralyzes you.
It really works. I had a healthy case of PTSD from a car accident as a child. I connected with parrots to make myself strong. I helped write a book that rocked the avian world. When I was in a second car accident a few years ago, I knew what to do. I avoided a lot of the pitfalls I stepped directly into as a much younger person because I moved the energy differently. And now when I look at the gut wrenching incident at Zanesville, Ohio where all those animals got shot. I watch how the pain disappears from the horizon but still rolls around in our psyches and I simply must say out loud it’s not enough to witness the event. We have to do something with it.
Here's the link for Krista Tippett's show
being.publicradio.org/www_publicradio/applications/formbu...
Beth Martell - Your Voices, Your Stories | A Voice for the Animals with Alan Rabinowitz [onBeing.or
being.publicradio.org
With the extinction of the tiger so close, transforming our own hearts is paramount.
“… I realized my cluttered mind was similar to the cluttered arteries and with cleansing and tending, both would benefit”
"I am a martial arts teacher. ... I wish this kind of dialogue had been a regular part of my training as an up-and-coming black belt instructor."
"I hope my children and grandchildren will ask "Who am I?" and learn to define themselves by their spiritual natures, not by their physical forms or achievements."
» Read Ellen's complete essay for our Repossessing Virtue series.
“As a seminary graduate though, I am concerned about the idea behind this that science is "creating" life.”
» Read JL's complete reflection on the Speaking of Faith program, "Stem Cells, Untold Stories."
“'You were meant to be something big, now go help your mom in the kitchen and make sure 60 minutes is taping.' —Papa”
“…my faith does not require me to shun the best of the other cultural influences that are important to my life.”
» Read Steven's complete reflection
(photo: enjoying the great British weather on a walk in the Lake District)
“I remember a friend of mine said to me, "Who is it that thinks your so glamorous and cool? What kind of people are they. They are just like you only caring about themselves and living for nothing...”
All the therapy happens there in a supportive, relaxed and playful environment…"
— an excerpt of Janet's response to our public radio program on "Play, Spirit, and Character"
“Unless I find a balance, an ease, a peace with myself and the day before I walk in that door, I'll never get it later.”
" I feel that her story highlights the soul's search for self-worth and holistic healing that only a mature "faith" can nurture."
“I find the internal challenges of the Muslim community are many.”
» Read Muna's complete reflection
(photo: Muna Jondy and family at the breast cancer walk)
“So on March 23rd, 2003, I decided to put on the head scarf and come out of the closet and be proud of my religious identity.”
“Sometimes I think of the phrase "children of a lesser god" and understand exactly what that means.”
"There was no longer any way for him to feed his spirit, to feed his soul through his intellect that often lived through his hands."
“Recently on Twitter, someone asked, "What is the first thing you do in the morning?" That first waking moment defines me not only for the day, but for eternity.”
» Read Hussein's complete reflection
(photo: Haris Shakeel, 2009)
“Unless I find a balance, an ease, a peace with myself and the day before I walk in that door, I'll never get it later.”
“As a Muslim American writer of Pakistani descent, I've tried to encapsulate the tensions and divides that exist within the community but are rarely aired…”
"In this time of crisis, I have turned to the writings of Benjamin Hoff, author of The Tao of Pooh and The Te of Piglet, and I hope you won't think I am saying this in jest."
» Read Deborah's complete essay for our Repossessing Virtue series.
“With a thin, but strong voice and looking directly at me with clear and serene eyes, he thanks me, but firmly states that he has all he needs.”
"I used to love the freedom I had to provide and assess learning through creative and playful techniques…"
I am a Mohegan who is trying to reclaim and resurrect our language one hundred and one years after that last native speaker died.
"I have attached an image which illustrates the pain body beautifully — toxic waste! I often think of anger as a highly reactive process providing a burst of energy in the short term but with fallout that is difficult to deal with."
"In this time of crisis, I have turned to the writings of Benjamin Hoff, author of The Tao of Pooh and The Te of Piglet, and I hope you won't think I am saying this in jest."
» Read Deborah's complete essay for our Repossessing Virtue series.
"I have only once in my life knocked on a neighbor's door to borrow eggs, or anything else, ever again."
» Read Khalid's complete essay for our Repossessing Virtue series.
"In this time of crisis, I have turned to the writings of Benjamin Hoff, author of The Tao of Pooh and The Te of Piglet, and I hope you won't think I am saying this in jest."
» Read Deborah's complete essay for our Repossessing Virtue series.
“The best way to share my story is to attach my poem, "Morning Prayer," a poem I wrote as I was coming out of a deep depression.”
» Read Adnan's complete reflection
(photo: Boston, MA - early 2000's.The picture is from the directory of the First Church of Boston. We are active, Muslim members of this congregation.)
"Meet someone…that if you would pay attention, would teach you more about martial arts mastery than any other human being on the planet. Meet Wangari Maathai."
“There in the New Mexican Muslim haven that our parents had established, us kids grew up without knowing much about racism or violence…”
Hearing the interview with Alan Rabinowitz on Krista Tippett’s NPR show called, “Being,” touched me on many levels. As a child Rabinowitz was crippled with a stuttering problem that was so severe, they put him in the classes with the kids who had learning problems and forgot about him. He couldn’t speak to people, but he could speak to animals. And as this broken child connected with a broken, caged leopard in the zoo he made a promise. If he could ever complete a sentence, he’d be the voice for the animals. Rabinowitz went on to learn how to control his breath and now he is doing what he said he would do for the big cats. He’s doing it very well. He's got a PhD in Zoology, acts as the CEO for panthera.org, and he's really making a difference. Years later as he’s tracking a wild black panther through the jungle, the panther slips in behind him and he comes face to face with it. Now he measures his spirit to this healthy, wild animal and the story comes full circle. Rabinowitz says this about tigers:
“Spiritually I feel very strongly about the tigers. I think you can drop me off any place in the world and I can tell you if the big cats are around me or not. I have been face to face with wild lions, with wild jaguars, and there is a real energy emanating from them. I’ve been in jungle and watched as big cats move through the jungle and hear all of the animals go silent as the big predator moves through it. The energy in a jungle with big predators is a very, very different energy, and when you truly merge with it and feel it, it’s not a dangerous energy. It’s not a negative energy — completely the opposite. It’s this huge, positive, overwhelming force which humbles you, makes you realize that there are things much greater on the Earth than you.”
Peter Levine wrote one of my favorite books. It’s called, “Waking the Tiger.” Levine talks about the fight or flight response everyone has to a traumatic event. When something bad happens to you and it leaves you paralyzed with fear, the energy of the event slips inside you. It keeps hurting you. You spend all your time replaying the event over and over looking at the situation from different angles to make sure it never happens to you again. Meanwhile it saps your strength. However, if you can look at the event, re-write the story, re-focus the energy and wake the tiger, you can get the energy to move through you instead of letting is get stuck inside you. This process makes you strong. Learn how to re-create yourself. Learn how to re-create the world by waking the tiger and facing what paralyzes you.
It really works. I had a healthy case of PTSD from a car accident as a child. I connected with parrots to make myself strong. I helped write a book that rocked the avian world. When I was in a second car accident a few years ago, I knew what to do. I avoided a lot of the pitfalls I stepped directly into as a much younger person because I moved the energy differently. And now when I look at the gut wrenching incident at Zanesville, Ohio where all those animals got shot. I watch how the pain disappears from the horizon but still rolls around in our psyches and I simply must say out loud it’s not enough to witness the event. We have to do something with it.
Here's the link for Krista Tippett's show
being.publicradio.org/www_publicradio/applications/formbu...
“It is never too early to instill in my kids these types of family values, which are a huge part of my religion.”
“I converted in 2003. I don't practice now. I still believe in Islam in my heart…”
» Read Dominick's complete reflection
(photo: Aman Ali)
"…but this week as my friend sold her belongings and prepared to walk away from her house, I wished I could sit down for coffee with Grandpa."
» Read Kristen's complete essay for our Repossessing Virtue series.
"In this time of crisis, I have turned to the writings of Benjamin Hoff, author of The Tao of Pooh and The Te of Piglet, and I hope you won't think I am saying this in jest."
» Read Deborah's complete essay for our Repossessing Virtue series.