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My yearning to spend time in the guise of a woman is building within me just now. The reality is nearly two years have passed since I last cross-dressed and there is no real opportunity to do so this year. It will likely be 2017 before I become Helene, my female alter-ego once more. In the meantime I get by on the memories and looking at my photo archives and enjoy the anticipation that will slowly build over the next year for the next opportunity.

There were several reasons why I have not been able to cross-dress. Family and work commitments are always my priority over my own personal desires and the last two years have been enjoyable despite no cross-dressing so I’m not tortured, depressed or eaten up, quite the opposite. I did have a major health issue crop up in early autumn requiring major surgery. To be frank, everything else became of little consequence as my focus was on getting through it and recovering my health. The surgery is now over and my recuperation period will be many months but I gain improved health with each passing week. Such an encounter with one’s own mortality and a prolonged recovery period provides an opportunity in allowing time to think and helps clarify what is most precious to you in life.

I adore becoming a woman but I am aware it is a selfish indulgence on my part and my family do tolerate it but there is no direct involvement. This suits me as I could never appear as a woman in front of my wife, I simply could not bear to do that. My wife knows I am a transvestite and this is how I am able on occasion to shave my legs, chest and arms and pluck my eyebrows, its not a secret but it is compartmentalised. This is the main reason why I rarely cross-dress.

Another reason is I simply cannot bear to cross-dress as a woman unless I can go the whole way, body shaving, eyebrows plucked, full make-up, wig, female underwear clothing, shoes, nail varnish and perfume. If I am not in a position to do that I prefer not to cross-dress. I suppose I am an an 'all or nothing' transvestite. This is because I need to feel I’m a woman on an emotional level as I do have some transsexual aspects to me but not enough to embark upon transitioning full time. I still enjoy my male life despite desiring to swap gender now and again.

When I dress up as a woman I try to act convincingly as a female and I admit I do feel comfortable in the role and get a buzz out of being Helene. I find as Helene I become in my head an heterosexual woman and I don’t, or should I say I no longer, have issues with freeing that part of myself. I am actually very comfortable being her and I love being a woman.

I do have aspirations to try and live as a woman for a few days now and again and to forget I am a man. I would love such a experience and I am actually convinced one day it will actually happen. This picture, taken on 3 June 2014, captures me in that frame of mind; I had ceased being a man in my head and felt euphoric at being Helene the woman. The photograph I am posting means a lot to me as I felt rather complete as a person having accepted my female self alongside my male self and believe me, I really had become female within myself at the time this photo was taken.

It is an intense private experience yet one that always leaves me both happy and emotionally exhausted afterwards. As I remove my wig take off my female clothing and my feet experience the relief of kicking off my high heels then wash off my make-up I find a deep inner contentment that lingers for days and often many weeks. Those few hours of becoming a woman are always incredible and rewarding. I would like some female experience. One I dream of is getting made-up, wig styled and wearing a gorgeous dress and high heels and being taken out for dinner and treated as a lady. It would be daring and rather thrilling and prove to me I can switch gender and free every part of my male/female self.

I admit it, I’m happy in a dress, in make-up wearing high heels and love the idea men may desire desire me as a woman. Somehow such a project would vindicate I can pass myself off as a female. It takes a lot of effort and commitment to take on a female appearance so being found attractive by a man is quite a reward even if I have no desire to be intimate with a man. I simply dream of being a woman now and again and hope that she is convincing in appearance and feels real. The day this picture was taken I was very much settled into being Helene, the woman and felt poised in maybe taking her to a new level. That level can only be venturing out as her? To truly carry off the role though surely being the woman alongside man is the ultimate in trying to achieve convincing female appearance? Could I do it? The thought both excites me and terrifies me. Could I play the role completely and respond naturally as a woman despite being a man? The truth is I finally am aware I would love to one day try such a thing and see how I do. A future adventure to muse over! Being a transvestite can be a lot of fun and you get to wear lots of make-up (which I love to wear). I’m never happier than when I’m applying mascara to my lashes and my face is covered in foundation and I feel so happy as I paint on lipstick, I just feel good in make-up, it boosts my confidence and makes me feel good.

I do so much love being a transvestite...love it, love it love it!

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