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March 2, 2022: Focusing on my breath provides me with a way to slow down when I get agitated, anxious and depressed.

When I remember to do it.

I never thought about it before but I do think that I held my breath, almost subconsciously, in past photos of me, regardless of whether it was a selfie or something taken by someone else. This is especially true in my annual high school photos. Looking back at them I can feel the anxiety that was in me, when I wanted to look so good but came off looking stiff, disconnected, and alone. The boy who gets bullied a lot often feels so alone. Even when he’s trying to look perfect.

I think the first two people to introduce me to the idea of focussing on the breath as a means of releasing anxiety were @julianjenkinsmedium and @thichnhathanh. This was in 2020, when I first tried to meditate regularly, just before midnight, as well as in the morning, not long after I’d wake up. It’s a practice I’ve come towards and moved away from a lot over the past few years. It’s as inconsistent as the timing of the depression that ebbs and flows in and out of my life, and today was the first time I returned to a morning meditation since having been hospitalized for my depression back in September 2021. For the first three days in hospital, I was monitored in isolation - in a prison cell like environment - surrounded by four brownish yellow brick walls and a large, overbearing steal door. There I’d sit on a small single sized plastic covered mattress with a knitted throw blanket to cover my nearly naked frame. Sitting in lotus position, I’d drape the blanket over my shoulders, covering the single blue Hospital gown that I’d wear like a trench coat so I could open and pull it close more easily. And it was in those moments that I’d meditate. Sometimes in almost complete silence, with nothing but the sound of my breath to quiet my monkey mind. Breathe in, deeply, through the nose, filling my lungs. Hold for two seconds, and breathe out through my mouth. Breathe in. Hold. Breathe out. In. Out. In. Out.

Another practice I’ve enjoyed doing to ground myself in the moment over the last few years has been to walk barefoot on the grass in my backyard when I take my dogs outside to do their morning business. The coolness of the grass sends comfort up through my feet, legs, chest and up into my mind like a stream flowing up from the earth to the sky, using my body as a conduit. In those moments, I often look up at the sky, remembering how I’m just a small part of a much larger universe.

Today, I held my hand over my heart as I breathed during my meditation. At the completion of my meditation I photographed my hand. It felt good to breathe as I snapped photos with my small Sony ZV-1 digital camera. I felt a sense of calm, which was much stronger than the anxiety that’s still hanging on inside. Becoming a little less influential over my day.

61/365.

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #chest #chesthair #hand #selfloveisnotselfish #sad #depressed

From April 6, 2020: I actually shot this yesterday and started editing it late last night.

The idea for this post comes from the amazingly inspirational @ssedonaa, based on a photo campaign by @i_weigh where one selects an unedited photo of them-self and writes positive things one values about them-self. So I did this, but with a twist - I used all of the following questions:

“1. what are three aspects of my identity that come to mind when you think of me?” and

“2. what is the one aspect of my personality that comes to mind before anything else?”

I also threw in several things that people have said about me since I did that survey, as well as some things that come to my mind when I think of myself, and a few things that I love doing that also define myself.

I really enjoyed making this and used the #PhontoApp to add the text.

It’s been 7 days since my last breakdown. And this photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, 97/366.

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #366selfies #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #bloodwork #lab #lgbtq #queer #pan #depressionawareness #depression #sadness #pan #stayhome #livingmybestlife #iloveyou #ilovemyself #heart #heartfeltlove #inspiration #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #growing #stayhome #movingforward #photooftheday #picoftheday #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #postoftheday

February 28, 2022: I feel oddly at #calm right now & I’m not sure why. It’s been another long, #restless #night of #insomnia for me. The kind where I had a #nighttime @neocitrancanada around 9pm knowing I’d need help #sleeping. The kind where I feel the strain on my neck & the tightness in my muscles, particularly one running down along my left shoulder blade and into my left arm, & the unease in my legs that’s developed from my being unable to fall asleep. Maybe I should have had a @benadrylusa nighttime #antihistamine or a @tylenolcanada nighttime pain reliever for my horrible headache that’s been clamping down on the brain that’s stuck inside my skull. The one that’s been aching from my propensity & inclination to hit myself when I get pissed at myself, which has been a lot lately. Maybe one or both of these additional #pills would have been enough to put me under but then I worry I wouldn’t be able to wake up to drive to my morning class but now it’s like almost 4am & I just know it will be yet another morning lost to sleeping in, because at some point I will be just too tired from all this being up all night. I feel like I’m also about to bomb the 7th term in a row of my @kwantlenu studies & wonder why did I even bother trying again. I haven’t even reached out to my teachers this term. I feel ashamed by my inability to fix my life. I can’t even afford this term so won’t be able to even withdraw at the last minute, won’t be able to try again in the summer. Which is probably for the best.

I can’t believe it’s the last day of the month. Two months of 2022 where I’ve not even finished putting the Christmas decorations away. Where I’ve made little headway on my place, & virtually none on the guest room at Mom’s… well, I finally got all the clothes here hung last night. I ignored my doctor & the specialist he tried forwarding me too for my #diabetes & blood pressure. Oh & apparently my #cholesterol is now out of whack after being so great for the longest time. I’m too ashamed of having been hospitalized for my #depression last fall & then continuing to do nothing to deal with it. These are the kinds of things that make me hate myself so much sometimes.

59/365.

From March 1, 2022: Today, I’m starting a new journey of self reflection & exploration. I’m hoping to connect more deeply with myself as I work to overcome my depression. Often, I’m too quick to jump online & moan about the state of my life, which can be okay, but I need to be able to see through the negative towards more positive outcomes. To know that I’m not always so worthless or useless. To know that I have something to offer in life.

I want to feel more positive about myself because I’m the only person I have in my life that I can depend on for the love I desire. I know I have a habit where I say these kind of thoughts, & in other posts I’ve often talked about trying to actualize these things, trying to actualize unconditional love & reverence for all life starting with myself, but I also know that I’ve often failed at doing this for myself. It’s time to stop failing. As author @shannonkaiserwrites says, it’s time to start living & using joy as a barometer for how I feel.

In terms of the selfies I’d like to capture this month, I want to explore ways of seeing myself visually that I haven’t done before over the last two years, while also keeping them authentic to how I feel.

I admit, I’m nervous that I will start strong & then fall again. I need to craft some kind of a safety plan for when I feel myself growing weak. A way to lift me up from under the weight of the metaphorical bricks that can feel too heavy on my shoulders. I’m not sure what that will look like but maybe that’s a question I can put to my non-physical guides & teachers in tomorrow mornings automatic writing session.

Another thing that I need to do this month is reach out for help. I’ve been struggling so much, & I haven’t done the things I need to do to get better. There were times in January & February when I felt lower than I did when I ended up in hospital for my depression. It’s not some thing I’m proud of. But I have to get over being upset with myself or feeling guilty for not getting the help that I know I need. Because when I do that I just cycle down into more shame, regret & remorse to the point of paralysis. So this is my manifesto: that kind of shit ends today.

I took my photo today, of my feet, walking through the mess that’s on my bathroom floor. I placed my camera down on the floor to look straight ahead at where my feet would walk, & I used a delayed shutter release to capture the image with a shallow depth of field. I think I’m happy with the shot, my bare feet still scarred from when I cut them up in January after walking 10 km & boots that didn’t fit properly. It’s taking almost 2 months for my feet to feel comfortable in shoes again. They might’ve healed more quickly had i not continue to walk for a few days after hurting my feet. By doing that, I made my feet feel worse, even though I was wearing padded Band-Aids, gauze & thick socks, returning to my old shoes that I had worn before trying out the new boots. So one foot still looks worse than it feels, in fact I feel nothing at all, even though it’s still purple & bruised. But it’s a reminder that with time, even the deepest of wounds can heal, & one can carry on in life as if nothing had even happened at all. Finally, I’m also loving how you can see the blurred outline of my beautiful dog Kira, who was standing in the hallway probably wondering what it was I was trying to do.

This was originally posted on my Instagram.

60/365.

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #feet #heels #scar #pjamabottoms #legs #pjamas #towels #tiles #cupboards #dog #bathroom #walkingaway #selfloveisnotselfish #sad #depressed

From October 3, 2022: Tonight, I lit several #candles in my bathroom before I dimmed the lights and drew a #hot #bath and let my #naked #body sink into it. I lay in the stillness of the green foamy water around me. My face, along with a bit of my @Vicks_US #Vaporub covered chest, as well as my knees being the only parts of me that weren’t submerged. The hum of the bathroom’s #dehumidifier #fan was muffled by the water that my ears were surrounded by. Being under the water, even the sound of my #breath was amplified by the water in the tub. The smell of bath salts mixed with the vaporub and soothed incessant coughing that’s plagued me over the past few days. The only thing that kept me awake was the holding of my iPhone in my left hand. At first, I used it to shoot this photo, before finding some soothing meditation music on YouTube that I put on before putting my phone down on part of the ledge that formed the rim of the tub I was in.

It’s difficult when you’re sick to remember to take these photos, let alone think deeply and write reflections about them. Often, I simply snapped the photos, and then wrote about them later - which I’m doing right now, on October 11, for a photo I shot ob October 3. It feels like I’m falling into that old trap of starting something and not finishing it. But what can you finish on days when you’re barely awake, fighting a headache with a fever, congestion, an upset stomach and horrible diarrhea? Hardly anything. So, to be honest, just shooting the photos was enough for me.

276/365.

#beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #sad #depressed

June 3, 2022: I’m so #scatterbrained, useless, & #ashamed today. This latest major #depressive episode has meant my monkey mind has been working #overtime to hurtle insults at myself over the last week.

The #selfloathing has been strong.

I’ve slept in day after day. It has been an absolute struggle just to get the simplest of things completed. My third #arthistory assignment is now three days late, meaning a 25% automatic reduction. I’ll never change.

I’ve had some horrible #screaming matches with my Mum.

A woman at @londondrugs positively commented on my heart shaped #bumblebeejasper #pendant & I looked right through her as I passed by. But it wasn’t devoid of emotion, I felt so angry about how the #pharmacists said it would be 20 minutes for my Mum’s #insulin but it had been almost an hour when they needed, “Just a few more minutes.” But as I stepped back a huge line had formed, meaning just a few more minutes was now easily another half hour. So I left, & that’s when the woman complimented me, leaving me to just bite my tongue.

After weighing in at 213.4 pounds on Tuesday, today I’m at 216.4. “Shove another cookie down your mouth again Steve!” my mind barks at me.

I’ve been #hyperaware about how a friend of over twenty years, & another of over seventeen have both #ghosted me. I feel the #confusion, #hurt, & #betrayal mixed in with the overwhelming desire or just wanting to know what I did to push them away. My mind just automatically puts the blame on me.

I also noticed how a few new friends I’ve made over the past year blocked me this week, & I don’t know why. My monkey mind screams at me about how I must be some really #creepy guy to keep pushing people away, & I feel more #depressed because of it.

A business I adore unfollowed me. I am such a #screwup. Maybe my latest #selfies have finally revealed the truth about the monster I really am.

Part of the past few months has involved my emerging from these kinds of #debilitating moments by reframing how I look at myself: I got up earlier today than yesterday. I can get a doctor’s note. My weight will fluctuate. I am not other people’s thoughts.

I can do this.

154/365.

#beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #sad #depressed

June 2, 2022: I’m feeling a lot of #anxiety this morning because I slept in, again. For like. I dunno. The fifth day in a row too.

I try to #breathe in deeply through my nose, to help calm my racing #heartbeat, but it’s #halfhearted & I find my mind is too tired to even #lambaste myself for it.

I hold my breath for a moment as my hand reaches for the #remote that controls the small Dyson fan sitting near the room’s only window, one that’s been slightly open for so many months now.

I breathe out through my #mouth, as I fumble with the small remote & eventually find the button that turns it off. I press it, & the fan comes to a stop. The sudden silence highlights my #loneliness & a headache that numbs the present moment.

I breathe in, through my nose again, while stretching my arms & legs out. The silence is broken by the crickackle of the remote landing inside the cave that is my nightstand’s open drawer, as my outstretched hand lets it fall.

I breathe out to have it turn into a chest filling yawn, complete with the quivering of my upper lip. I hold my left leg mid air for a moment, trying to stop a Charlie-horse from forming. I extend my foot as far as it will go & I feel the muscles in my leg fighting to remain relaxed, as I also hold onto the desire to vocalize my agony.

I breathe in as my legs fall back down into the sheets & I turn my body onto my side as I breathe out. I pull Kira close, hugging her tightly & she tolerates it just long enough to capture this selfie. She then flops back onto the softest blanket next to me, & I pass out too, my phone falling from my hand, ending up somewhere next to me until it’s alarm wakes me around 8:00am. 3 hours wasted.

I need to sneak away to catchup with my art history. But I have so much to do here as well. Maybe I can do an hours worth of work & then sneak away. I’m going to lose 15% on my late assignment now, thanks to my fucking depression. That knowledge terrifies me. It makes me feel #guilty, #stupid & #ashamed. I can see the reddish orange highlight through a C+ grade on the rubric she uses to mark the work, indicating a slip from the A I got a week before. That knowledge paralyzes me.

153/365.

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #sad #depressed

March 3, 2022: Cleaning up and organizing my place and my Mom’s has been overwhelming at times. A large part of the mess that surrounds me has been fed by my addiction to over-spending, often beyond my means. It’s something I know I need to work on more seriously. It’s not that I can’t be responsible with my spending: when I was younger I was very obsessive with tracking every cent: I kept track of my receipts and spending in an excel workbook, and made sure I balanced out each month. I’d put a percentage of my each paycheque into a savings account, one that was locked down tight so the only way I could move money from it was to actually phone my bank and had it transferred out of the account. I was also Director of Finance at my university’s student union, where I assisted in overseeing a forensic audit conducted by PWC.

But since my depression settled in deeply over the last few years, I found myself digging myself in deeper and deeper with the spending. It’s just been so easy to do when you’re lying in bed, wanting to erase my troubles, my sorrows. Other people drink and do drugs. I eat way too much junk food, and spend like a drunken sailor. It’s caused

So today I emerge from the myst, finishing a deep clean of my Mother’s living room.

I’m finding more and more, that the comfort zones in this project and in my life have been to stick to the routines I’ve become accustomed to. That feel safe. Eating a bag of Reese’s and a large popcorn feels safe. Buying another stuffed animal I don’t really have space for feels safe. Cleaning feels scary because it’s a path to something in life I don’t remember. But it feels more freeing than being stuck where I have been up to this point. I want to say I’ve experienced something like this before, but I haven’t.

62/365.

#depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #windowcleaning #soulconfessions #tryingtogetbetter #selfie #subvertedselfie #instaselfie #selfloveisnotselfish #sad #depressed

From October 2, 2022: I’ve just #showered, and I’m lying in #bed, trying to #rest. I’m #exhausted, even though I look oddly #peaceful in the photos I just snapped. A short book, THE MINDFUL WRITER, by Dinty W. Moore, lies beside me along with a rainbow @squishmallows that looks as #defeated, staring up blankly at the ceiling, as I feel on my third day of being really #sick. I think I’ve tried a dozen times to start it, but I fail every time to get past the third page because I just can’t concentrate.

I’m trying to focus in on my breath, but it’s difficult as I keep coughing. Not even the extra strength Halls cough candy is doing anything to give me even the smallest bit of relief from the coughing. It’s warm menthol smell floats through my mouth and nose, but in-spite of this I find that when I try to breathe in, through my nose, I cough. And when I try to hold my breath inside my lungs, I hack. And when I try to breathe out through my mouth, I choke. It’s a process that repeats itself, and to be honest, it’s disconnecting me from being able to find relaxation in the present moment as I find myself getting angry with myself for being physically sick.

I go to the kitchen to make a cup of Neocotrin, and maybe I’ll make a second cup of tea. I don’t know yet. My halls is getting smaller and soon my teeth are able to crush what’s left and I feel it’s slivers across my tongue which soon disappear from the steady sucking I’ve employed on its destruction. When my allergies used to be bad, I’d live on Halls as a means of providing relief from the congestion and constant sneezing that would take over in those moments, for hours at a time.

As soon as the boiling water hits the neocotrin crystals, the smell of lemon wafts up from the cup to float up into my nostrils, where they are gently sucked into my lungs. It’s calming, and needed, even though the drink is too hot to enjoy right away, I find myself starting to sweat again, and I don’t know what the rest of the night will bring.

#275/365.

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies

From June 9, 2022

To my #MonkeyMind,

I wanted to share with you how I feel about our #relationship, because how it’s been going isn’t working for me anymore. Even though you make it impossible to do sometimes, deep down I do #care about myself and I feel you do too. So that’s why I need you to understand that when you #criticize me, it hurts so much. Especially when your #nagging thoughts turn towards self hatred and self loathing.

I wanted to share with you that when you criticize me, it hurts.

When you say “Why do you even bother trying, you’ll just fuck it up like you always do!” it eats away at my #confidence.

When you say “Steve, you’re a fucking loser!” it feels like a #slap to the face.

When you #scream “I hate myself so much!” it tears at the very fibre of my being.

I’m tired of feeling the dread inside my mind that’s accelerated by you whenever I do something wrong, like sleeping in too late or not finishing something on time.

I’m tired of you encouraging me to eat away my sorrows by #devouring the absolute worst foods I can find.

I’m tired of you egging me on, to the point where I start hitting myself whenever I get really frustrated with something.

And when you see my prescription pill bottle in my hand, even though you say nothing, I want you to know how I feel you wanting to see me down the entire bottle like they were M&M candies. That hurts most of all.

So I’m going to tell you to #STOP whenever you start in on me negatively. I’m going to tell you to be kinder and gentler with me every time you want to bring me down.

We would never say or do these awful kinds of things with others - we cherish and care for others deeply and it’s time to give that same care to ourselves. I know that if we can do that we will take one step towards living a longer and more fulfilling life.

Love,

Steven

160/365.

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #selfloveisnotselfish #sad #depressed

June 1, 2022: Hello June. I’m here again, trying to pickup my #subverted #selfie project following the #beyourownbeloved challenge from February. I stalled with that but tried again in May, only making it to May 4, just 1 day longer than I had back in February. On May 5 I had a #breakdown which flatlined my #creativity for the rest of the month as I focused on my #university work: stuff for a course on Creativity & Leadership from the spring; followed by work for an Art History of Graffiti course I’m doing right now.

The theme for the 1st day of the BE YOUR OWN BELOVED challenge centred on taking a first step, but this week the fog of my #depression has socked back into my life. It hurts. I feel the stress clenching my heart, making each #beat tinge with an electric shock. My breathing is #laboured as my mind falls in & out of moments of overwhelm. Yesterday, I managed to make my #bed for the 1st time in months. The smell of clean sheets is comforting.

This morning, I ended up texting with a woman from an online depression group I’m in. She’s going through a rough time, & I talk about monkey mind & quote Natalie Goldberg, Jon-Kabat Zinn. I remind her that she’s not other peoples thoughts of herself. I describe using breath-work to reconnect with the present moment, & journaling to expel negative thoughts. Things I should be doing.

My legs are still beat up. I can feel the pain of a fresh scar as my bare leg runs along the sheets, a scar from a deep scratch that I’m not sure how I got. My feet are dry from running the fan in my room. My tattoo peaks out from the sheets it’s laying on & I wonder what might happen to it should it ever get deeply scratched. Would it be ruined forever?

I end up listening to a March 21, 2021 talk with Natalie Goldberg, where she recalls how her Zen teacher, Katagiri Roshi once said to her about responding to the throws of depression: “…get up & brush your teeth…. Make positive effort for the good… brush your teeth… wash the dishes. Just assert yourself. Make positive effort for the good.”

So just for today, I’ll try just that. To make positive effort for the good.

152/365.

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #sad #depressed

July 1, 2022: This is going to mark my fourth attempt at getting through this #beyourownbeloved #challenge. I don’t want to beat myself up again after only making it only three days in back in March, four days in May and eleven days in June. I got bogged down with finishing my condensed #ArtHistory of Urban, #Graffiti and #StreetArt course I took. I actually finished the course, but only with a B-. The new #antidepressant and #antianxiety #medication I’m on just knocks me out so much. Even when I stopped the #anxiety medication for a week I was still out of it, and had troubles finishing my final project: I needed more time but had none, and I failed the final project as a result. Which sucks as I was sitting at an A/A+ heading into the final project. I’m still going to finish it though, as my project focussed on #MentalHealth and #depression, a conversation I think is so important to have.

I’ve talked a lot about my battle with depression. It feeds my bad eating habits. Even right now as I write this, I want to go to this nearby #cafe and gorge myself on a cinnamon sugar brioche, a chocolate chip cookie, and a large hot chocolate. But I’m not going to do that as I’ve been fasting for 24 hours, drinking just water in preparation for my first hydrocolonic therapy session at @inner.garden.health. I thought my first session was last week, and I had faster then as well, which I don’t regret. The last two weeks I’ve been more #mindful of what I consume.

So, again I start another day wanting to feel more #positive about myself. I want to #raise my #vibration. I want to breathe in being alive. I’m not going to dwell on how many times I’ve said this in the past. It’s time to just let it 🐝.

This post was originally posted to Instagram.

182/365.

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionawareness #startingover #selflovejourney #dailyselfie #dailywriting #art #photography #feet #heels #scar #legs #socks #tattoo

First attempt at concert photography. Radius depression awareness concert - Peel Centenary Centre, Isle of Man

All shots made with my Nikon D40x with the 100mm f2.8 "E" Series lens )

Depression is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act.

Click here to learn more about depression:

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From June 10, 2022: #Embracing and #confronting our #shadow can be difficult for me. I don’t like #confrontation. I shy away from it a lot. Today’s @beyourownbeloved #photo and #reflective writing prompts focussed in on the concept of the shadow.

We had fairly good weather today: it was both #sunny and #bright. So, I took the easy photos: ones where the sun hung high overhead, reflecting my frame onto #mundane surfaces like the grass and the pavement. But even my Monkey Mind felt they were shots I and so many others had done before.

So I left it for awhile… in fact, I almost forgot about it. Then, as I made my way out of my #bedroom early that evening, I caught a glimpse of my shadowy figure climbing up the wall. And I was enchanted. I wondered if that’s how artist Richard Hambleton @richardhambletonfoundation first discovered the kind of lanky figure that would form the basis for the shadowmen he painted in the 1970s and 80s. Had he glimpsed his own shadow on the wall of his flat a half century ago?

Today, I feel #tired. I slept in again. Eventually, I headed out and had a #manicure to shed the dry skin off of my feet. I have a #fan on at night and it sits near the foot of my bed, but wow it leaves my #feet so dry.

I also picked up a new @thetorocompany gas #lawn #mower as our older one finally bit the dust a few weeks ago. The grass at Mum’s needs cutting. It’s really high in some places, and my Maltese poodle pup along with my Mom’s miniature poodle push through it, as if trying to form a path through African long grass, with blades that were as high as their heads in some spots. It’s how I feel about life when my monkey mind natters away - it’s like I’m cutting through long grass, unsure of my destination, unsure of my life. And when I’m broken, I feel as ephemeral as my shadow on the wall.

161/365.

#beyourownbeloved #beyourownbeloved💖 #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #startingover #selflove #selflovejourney #selflove #dailyselfie #dailywriting #subvertedselfies #subvertedselfie #art #photography #photo #selfloveisnotselfish

From November 4, 2021: …yes, I also saw the ubiquitous #rainbow that seemed to strike all areas of #MetroVancouver and even the #FraserValley this Thursday #afternoon.

I felt okay in this moment. Mum was home, still sore, her mouth swollen from the #teethextraction that had taken place the day before and landed her in the #hospital late Wednesday night.

I slept for a large part of the day, only broken up by a quick trip out to get a few #groceries, but following an afternoon nap, I managed to wake up in time to see nature’s play of light. I didn’t feel #depressed today, but it might have been because I was so tired. I found a @coursera course focussed on #suicide, which I started listening to before my nap. I want to take notes on these #mental health #courses I’ve been working through - which I haven’t done in awhile. I’ve been mainly powering through listening to them, and I do want to cement the learning more by listening again while taking notes. Some have little assignments or reflections I need to also do.

Anyway. Other than that, nothing too exciting. I saw someone featured as a KPU alumni and they had their class 4 license listed on their @linkedin so I added my class 5. 😂 Seems silly but in many ways it’s not. I’ve had several jobs where I had to have my driver’s license and access to a #vehicle. And when I worked at the pre-employment background checking company, it was a common inquiry by companies who were hiring, to have us look up an applicant’s driver’s abstract. Before #covid I had thought of going for my class 4, but never got around to looking into that. So something to do for the future maybe. Class 4 in British Columbia is required if you want to drive for companies like @uber, or I believe for taxis or limousines, even some busses. The closest to a small bus I ever got to drive were large vans we sometimes rented at the student union for the odd event.

Anyway I digress.

Post 308/365 of my #subverted #selfie #project.

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

#depressionawarenessdepressionawareness #depressionhelp #selfietime #mentalhealth #dailyupdates #dailyupdate #life #livingmybestlife #livingmylifelikeitsgolden💛 #lifestyle #365selfies #365selfiechallenge #365selfieproject #sky

March 30, 2020: I’m so grateful I signed on and am getting #counselling. Even if it’s just over Skype.

I’ve had spiritual counselling as well but the psychological counselling is helping too and she’s also very knowledgeable about the spiritual side so it compliments what I’ve had done.

But I found myself so paralyzed again, I’ve not been grounded. I’ve put off tackling things. I’ve let my doubt and insecurities move back in. I wrote a bit about it on Friday with my daily selfie project post... but yeah. I was so terrified an hour ago, I almost chickened out on the appointment but ultimately I made the call and I’m so glad I did.

I love myself. I care. I can do this. I have faith in my ability to do this, to do anything.

It’s interesting that I ended up with this photo collage, it wasn’t planned to look this way - I did a few shots and layered them in photoshop but it reminds me to not let my third eye chakra to get blocked.

It’s been 0 days since my last emotional breakdown. And this #photo is a part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie everyday, photo 90/366.

This photo collage was originally posted on Instagram.

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #366daychallenge #366selfies #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #comingout #comingoutpansexual #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #bloodwork #lab #lgbtq #queer #pan #depressionawareness #depression #sadness #overcome

February 13, 2022: I took this #photo and made this #collage at just after midnight. The text is from a @mikedooleytut e-mail that was the first e-mail I received today. “By simply choosing to be #joyful… it’s physically impossible to get #angry, #fret, #stew, or #worry.” It’s a message I know, and have heard before. But it’s a #message I forget more often than not to practice in my own life. It fits so perfectly with what @gary_zukav says about being emotionally aware through #mindfulness, about being able to see how we feel and to make responsible #choices about how we act on those #feelings.

I felt so tired last night, but I was also so restless. It’s like I was so out of it yesterday that my monkey mind was keeping me awake with my worries and with my thoughts of how horrible I am as a human being.

I finally started to take down the Christmas tree yesterday. While I did this, I started listening to @brenebrown’s @soundstrue audiobook MEN, WOMEN & WORTHINESS: THE EXPERIENCE OF SHAME AND THE POWER OF BEING ENOUGH. In it, Dr. Brown provides a strong definition of #SHAME and #GUILT, as follows:

“SHAME: is a sense that we are bad. That there’s something about us, that we’ve done or failed to do, that makes us #unworthy of #love, of #acceptance, of belonging... ‘I am bad.’ … Shame is a focus on self… ‘I’m such an idiot, I’m such a #loser…I’m stupid, I’m a loser. I’m an idiot.’ … Shame is ‘I am a mistake’… There’s something profoundly, deeply wrong with who I am… Shame is highly correlated with (the dangerous outcomes of) addiction, #depression, eating disorders, suicide, violence… Shame is being held up against the ideal, that somehow we can live lives and edit them as we are living them, so that what the world only sees is what’s perfect about us.”

“GUILT: is not a focus on who we are, but on something we have done... I did something bad… Guilt is a focus on behaviour…. ‘I can’t believe I did that. That was a really stupid thing to do… I did something that doesn’t fit with who I want to be.’ …“

I think it would be a good exercise to break down some of my more negative subverted #selfie posts, like the one I posted yesterday, where I dump on myself.

This was originally posted on Instagram.

44/365

#awareness #depressionhelp #depressionawareness #belonging #suicideprevention #behappy #findjoy #findjoyinthejourney #findjoyeveryday #findjoyinthelittlethings #selflove

From October 3, 2021: what a horrible #day to cap off a #horrible #week. My #nose feels like it’s filled with #cement after spending most of #Sunday #sneezing and #coughing, with a slight #fever hovering around 100. I felt this coming on Wednesday night, after my Mum had been #sick like this too. We both did get tested for #covid_19 late Thursday and those tests came back negative. So we have some kind of cold or flu.

I’m doped up on cold n flu meds, and so congested that I am also fighting these awful #headaches. It’s so hard to get anything done when you’re like this. I’ve even fallen off of #meditating, doing my #morningpages #journaling, #reading and other small acts of #creativity I started doing in the hospital. I haven’t even kept up with my daily #subverted #selfie project. Not to mention school work. Housework and yard work. I haven’t even reached out to my #teachers yet about being #hospitalized in September. Shit like this is why I hate myself so much sometimes. My #anxiety has been through the #roof and I’ve had several #fights with Mum as a result. FML as they say.

This is post 276/365 in my #subverted #selfie project.

#selfies #selfiesunday #depressionawareness

holistichealth.one/natural-treatment-of-depression/ This is the time of year when loneliness can strike the deepest, when people feel alone (without friends or family nearby.) Positive messages and natural remedies can help them feel better, without creating dependency. #depression #depressionhelp #depressiontreatment #depressionawareness

First attempt at concert photography. Radius depression awareness concert - Peel Centenary Centre, Isle of Man

All shots made with my Nikon D40x with the 100mm f2.8 "E" Series lens

April 4, 2020: Time to be silly.

It’s been 5 days since my last emotional breakdown. And this #photo is a part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie everyday, photo 95/366.

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #366selfies #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #bloodwork #lab #lgbtq #queer #pan #depressionawareness #silly #funny #pan

March 31, 2020: Dropping. But I fear I’m putting on #weight.

It’s been 1 day since my last emotional breakdown. And this #photo is a part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie everyday, photo 91/366.

This photo collage was originally posted on Instagram.

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #366daychallenge #366selfies #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #comingout #comingoutpansexual #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #bloodwork #lab #lgbtq #queer #pan #depressionawareness #depression #sadness #bloodpressure #pan

April 2, 2020: I get these immense highs where I have this extreme sense of joy flowing through me. I have a feeling and think that in these moments she’s thinking of me.

It’s been 3 days since my last emotional breakdown. And this #photo is a part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie everyday, photo 93/366.

This photo collage was first posted on Instagram.

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #366selfies #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #bloodwork #lab #lgbtq #queer #pan #depressionawareness #depression #sadness #pan

My daughter and I put love on our arms, did you?

www.twloha.com

Blog post with more pictures of participants

An article I did at Suite101.com.

First attempt at concert photography. Radius depression awareness concert - Peel Centenary Centre, Isle of Man

All shots made with my Nikon D40x with the 100mm f2.8 "E" Series lens

First attempt at concert photography. Radius depression awareness concert - Peel Centenary Centre, Isle of Man

All shots made with my Nikon D40x with the 100mm f2.8 "E" Series lens

First attempt at concert photography. Radius depression awareness concert - Peel Centenary Centre, Isle of Man

Anna is a fantastically talented local singer songwriter. Check her out HERE

All shots made with my Nikon D40x with the 100mm f2.8 "E" Series lens

First attempt at concert photography. Radius depression awareness concert - Peel Centenary Centre, Isle of Man

Anna is a fantastically talented local singer songwriter. Check her out HERE

All shots made with my Nikon D40x with the 100mm f2.8 "E" Series lens

First attempt at concert photography. Radius depression awareness concert - Peel Centenary Centre, Isle of Man

Anna is a fantastically talented local singer songwriter. Check her out HERE

All shots made with my Nikon D40x with the 100mm f2.8 "E" Series lens

First attempt at concert photography. Radius depression awareness concert - Peel Centenary Centre, Isle of Man

Anna is a fantastically talented local singer songwriter. Check her out HERE

All shots made with my Nikon D40x with the 100mm f2.8 "E" Series lens

First attempt at concert photography. Radius depression awareness concert - Peel Centenary Centre, Isle of Man

All shots made with my Nikon D40x with the 100mm f2.8 "E" Series lens

In the world where success is applaudable, and failure contemptible, every human stays with a fear of the later one. Everyone shows off their success and happiness, but when it comes to failure, everyone takes a step back to talk about it. On the occasion of World Suicide Prevention Day that falls every year on September 10, Udgam School for Children has initiated a campaign 'It is OK to fail'. Our management has come forward and has spoken about their failures and has shared how those failures have not hindered in achieving big things in life. Further, we invite stories from everyone willing to participate in the drive by tagging us and using the hashtag #ItIsOkToFail. Let us talk about our failures and how it has not stopped us but have built resilience to move ahead. Let us inform everyone who is struggling now that it is just a phase, which will soon go away. Nothing is permanent, neither happiness nor sorrow.

Check out the below link to get more information about activities in the best school in Ahmedabad

www.udgamschool.com/ Activity.

#WorldSuicidePreventionDay #WSPD #StopBullying #YouAreNotAlone #DepressionAwareness #SuicidePrevention #MentalHealthAwareness #FailureIsNotTheEnd #innerstrength4life

First attempt at concert photography. Radius depression awareness concert - Peel Centenary Centre, Isle of Man

All shots made with my Nikon D40x with the 100mm f2.8 "E" Series lens

Feeling down as the days get shorter? you're not alone. seasonal depression, also known as winter blues, can affect mood and energy. remember, seeking help is a sign of strength!

Read More: www.therapycenterofny.com/index.php/blog/204-winter-blues...

#seasonaldepression #winterblues #mentalhealthmatters #therapyworks

“Master, why do people take so much medicine when they feel down?”

“Because child, they have not realised they have the power to meditate and heal within them. Instead, they would rather pay for external poisons in the guise of cures than converse with their inner world.”

------------------------------

What will you do today to empower your life?

This quote is taken from my book "Empowering Thoughts". 280 pages of thoughts to empower your life. Available worldwide now from your favourite online bookstores. Learn more at the link below.

Wishing you a beautiful and empowered day,

James Cole

empoweringmeditations.com/book

#Antidepressant #Anxiety #Anxietyawareness #Anxietyproblems #Anxietyrelief #Depressed #Depression #Depressionawareness #Easternmedicine #Emotionalhealing #Empoweringmeditations #EmpoweringThoughts #Healing #Health #Healwithin #Holistichealth #Innerhealing #JamesCole #Medicine #Meditation #Mentalhealth #Mentalhealthawareness #Mentalhealthmatters #Mentalhealthquotes #Mentalhealthrecovery #Mindbodysoul #Mindfulness #Spiritualawakening #Wellbeing #Westernmedicine

November 23, 2023: Once again, insomnia had me up well past 4am today. I slept most of the day, only heading out around one to a nearby cafe to get some split pea soup for my Mother and me. The smoky ham flavour hasn’t settled well in my stomach. A horrible hum has enveloped my head all day leaving me adrift in a blindingly bright grey fog that finds me wanting to slip into a sleep from which I never wake up. Once again, I feel broken, alone, and lost.

At four, I stood naked in my bathroom, looking into the mirror and feeling the gaze of a soulless man haunted by the darkness of the world that surrounds us all. I showered, first turning up the heat to something of a scalding level, wishing it would melt the scabs off my head, my right arm, and right leg. And let’s not forget this pimple that’s appeared below the belt line, as if born from the stumble I took on the roof on Sunday, scraping up my knee and sending a steady shock up my sciatic nerve. I hate getting pimples there, it makes me feel dirty.

It’s now almost six. I’ve pulled over on Viking Way near Cambie Road in Richmond. I’m heading downtown to see a photography show and hopefully see a friend. But the drive along the ninety one took forever, and the dizziness fed by the fumes of never ending traffic left me feeling weak. I had rolled down the window to try and let some fresh air in but fear I did myself worse. At one point tears streamed down my face as my lips quivered and I shouted “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry!” and “I hate myself so much.”

I thought I was going to pass out. I napped a bit, and then created a privacy stall with the two passenger side doors of my SUV to try and obscure the pee I so desperately had to take. I still feel slightly dizzy. I sip some water, feeling the cold grooves of the plastic Aquafina bottle in my hand as I stare through my now foggy windshield. I turn on the engine to let forced air start to clear the windows.

I think part of my issue today can be attributed to the junk I’ve consumed almost daily now for the last few weeks, during the movies I’ve seen almost everyday.

I feel so alone, unable to shake this depressive veil of self-hatred.

(327/365).

Struggling with depression? A psychiatrist can help with expert diagnosis, therapy, and medication to restore balance and well-being. Get the support you need to reclaim your happiness today!

Read More: www.therapycenterofny.com/index.php/blog/212-psychiatrist...

I was in my car sipping lukewarm English Breakfast tea with a splash of 2 percent milk. It was stronger than I prefer, as I let the teabag sit in it for 2 hours. I felt sweat slipping down my forehead as the sun bore down on the windshield.

I woke at 7 & took my morning mix of meds: 2 antidepressants; Amlodipine, Aspirin, Atorvastatin, & Clopidogrel for my heart; as well as Glyburide & Metformin for my diabetes. I also took several supplements: vitamins A, B-Complex, C, D, E, & K; Chlorella; Collagen; Echinacea; Magnesium; Milk Thistle; Selenium; Spirulina; Turmeric; & Zinc.

I brushed my teeth & had a quick but awkward shower: my left leg standing outside of the stall to keep my bandaged foot dry. The rest of my naked body stood under the warm stream of water running over me as I lathered up shampoo & scrubbed my freshly cut hair. I also used the shampoo on my hairy body - starting with my beard, then working each arm, my chest, my crotch, my right leg & what little I could do with the left leg. After I rinsed, I bowed my head under the stream as my right hand turned the tap from warm down to cold. I wanted to pull away from the ice cold sensation that was jetting down my body but I made myself stand still for awhile before shutting it off.

I made it to the hospital on time, using change to park closer to the building my appointment was in. I waited a bit before having another X-Ray, & then a bit longer as I waited for the specialist, Dr Yao. I laid back on the gurney they had me at in the cast clinic, & scrolled through the Kindle app on my iPhone to organize some of my unsorted book titles into various collections before settling in to read more of @dintyw Moore’s book, THE MINDFUL WRITER. Raymond Carver came up & I went to Amazon to acquire his 1st 2 books of short stories, as Moore described them as being written in a minimalist style, focussing “…on the simplest of daily interactions between people, on quiet exchanges, mundane events.”

“We’ll have to operate to remove some of the dead bone which could result in amputation but we’ll make the final decision in a week.” Dr Yao says as my heart sank.

“Damn diabetes.” I sigh.

(79/366).

September 13, 2023: Today marks day 31 of my daily IV regiment. I still get to do this for at least 11 more days. When they redo my bandages, my big toe still looks swollen, but the nurses take measurements of the wound’s circumference & depth, & they assure me it’s getting smaller. I can’t look when they measure the depth, they use some kind of small, white, plastic rod - pressing into the middle of the wound, to take a measurement. The fear I might have to have some of my toes amputated seems to have subsided. But today my right foot has had pain shooting through it as I walk, even with my offloading footwear in place as I hobble around. I haven’t taken any of the strong prescription painkillers they gave me in over a week but I think I may down one when I get home.

Today’s been a long day. I was up past 1am cleaning Mom’s garage, which I’ve allowed to get very unorganized in recent years. I filled up our two recycling bins, plus our garbage bin. Two of her neighbours, who are away, gave me permission to use their bins if needed, so in addition to Mom’s, I filled a third recycling bin, & a second garbage bin belonging to one neighbour, & I got from the other neighbour, a fourth recycling bin half full. The main motivation in doing this was to clear space so Mom’s old washing machine & dryer could be taken away, & new ones installed. The new ones look like something out of one of the new Star Trek series. The two Samsung units are black, sleek, with minimal lines, no curves, & perfectly circular, but flat doors. You can even pair the units to your internet connection & control them with a smart device.

I missed my first Art History class though, waiting for the delivery people who came right in the middle of their delivery window of 11am-4pm. I had gotten up at 6am & worked until they came, to ensure they had lots of space. I still have a lot to organize but a huge chunk is done. It’s a start to something I should have done a long time ago.

Tomorrow, I need to make an appointment with my doctor for my physical, & I also need to reschedule an appointment with my psychiatrist who I missed yesterday because I slept in. Aren’t I the responsible one?

(256/365)

“Master, why do people take so much medicine when they feel down?”

“Because child, they have not realised they have the power to meditate and heal within them. Instead, they would rather pay for external poisons in the guise of cures than converse with their inner world.”

------------------------------

What will you do today to empower your life?

This quote is taken from my book "Empowering Thoughts". 280 pages of thoughts to empower your life. Available worldwide now from your favourite online bookstores. Learn more at the link below.

Wishing you a beautiful and empowered day,

James Cole

empoweringmeditations.com/book

#Antidepressant #Anxiety #Anxietyawareness #Anxietyproblems #Anxietyrelief #Depressed #Depression #Depressionawareness #Easternmedicine #Emotionalhealing #Empoweringmeditations #EmpoweringThoughts #Healing #Health #Healwithin #Holistichealth #Innerhealing #JamesCole #Medicine #Meditation #Mentalhealth #Mentalhealthawareness #Mentalhealthmatters #Mentalhealthquotes #Mentalhealthrecovery #Mindbodysoul #Mindfulness #Spiritualawakening #Wellbeing #Westernmedicine

From September 21, 2023: I tried to post this last night but I’ve been so exhausted & dizzy, with a headache & the feeling like I’m going to lose my lunch, that I tried to just sleep. My mouth trembled with that loose feeling as if it’s getting ready to help my system expel the contents of my stomach, regardless of whether it’s full or not.

I was late for my IV. I’d been chatting with a friend in the morning & at 3:44pm I gripped about my unproductive day by finally not answering her last comment at 12:38pm about maybe having a bite to eat together after my IV with, “I've got nothing done 💔 bleh trying to get grociers now but supposed to be at hospital in 15 m.” I got to the hospital around 4:40pm, & fell asleep during the first IV. The nurse said she had trouble waking me. I told her how I’d been feeling & she said if I was still feeling that way I should head to the ER.

During the second IV, I started sobbing, tears streaming down the sides of my head into my hair, as I lay in a hospital chair that was fully reclined. The nurse was taken aback to find me crying. All I could muster was how sorry I was. They ended up putting me in a wheelchair & took me to my car. The nurse said to sit a bit till I felt well enough to drive. I guess she forgot about the dizziness & exhaustion I’d mentioned earlier.

I lumbered up into my car & basically passed out, sleeping in the drivers seat for over an hour. I woke to 2 or 3 missed calls from my Mum, & several texts from my friend. My last text to her had been sent before I passed out in my car, a long lament about how lonely I’d been, & the recollection of part of a dream I’d had that morning where my mind had created an alternative reality about how I had gotten engaged to my ex a decade ago at the time our relationship was ending in reality. My friend had asked if I wanted to talk on the phone about it, but that terrified me & I simply said “It's ok. I'm in my car now I dunno. Feel so exhausted and still crying .” I then followed it up with “I’m so stupid.” I But stopped at typing, “I fucking hate myself so much.” Instead, I passed out again.

(264/365)

August 30, 2023: I’ve been hanging low lately. As a result, my days now are filled with sleeping, watching random proclivities recommended to me by YouTube, & driving to & from the hospital for the IV antibiotic & wound therapy treatments which I’ve been getting everyday now since I took myself to the ER on August 14. I’m on a schedule now where I’m to receive these treatments daily until the end of September.

On August 18, I remember breaking down in tears, my whole body shaking in the blue hospital recliner patients sit in during treatments for infections. My voice cracked as I hit myself, loudly declaring what a fucking nightmare of a human being I was, & that I’d been so stupid not to take my health more seriously. And the words of mg Mom echoed in my head, as she’d warn me this could happen if I didn’t look after my feet more carefully than I had been.

You see, the doctor examining my right foot declared that my toe would need amputation within seconds of looking at it. “Look at it, it’s all mush,” she said of the wound to the nurse, prodding at it with some metal tweezers. She wasn’t wrong, my right toe had been a horror to observe for weeks now. Plump & purple from swelling, which also continued from the base of my ankle up into the middle of my lower leg. My nail already looked frightening due to a bad ingrown hangnail I had earlier this year, eventually leading to bleeding that got in under my nail, eventually turning to black.

The head of the unit was alerted to my cries, & did her best to comfort me, telling me it was okay & that they’d do all they could to continue treating the wound.

Since August 14, I’ve been trying to eat better again & following the intermittent fasting & almost keto regimen I adopted upon being released from hospital following my stroke. I’ve watched videos on healing wounds, & added several supplements to help heal the wound and prevent swelling. But I can’t exercise. Or do much work. The doctor I saw on August 23 said to stay off my feet as much as possible, & even said they’d get me a special shoe to help me keep pressure off of the foot so the wound would stop bleeding.

I feel so alone.

(242/365).

“Master, why do people take so much medicine when they feel down?”

“Because child, they have not realised they have the power to meditate and heal within them. Instead, they would rather pay for external poisons in the guise of cures than converse with their inner world.”

------------------------------

What will you do today to empower your life?

This quote is taken from my book "Empowering Thoughts". 280 pages of thoughts to empower your life. Available worldwide now from your favourite online bookstores. Learn more at the link below.

Wishing you a beautiful and empowered day,

James Cole

empoweringmeditations.com/book

#Antidepressant #Anxiety #Anxietyawareness #Anxietyproblems #Anxietyrelief #Depressed #Depression #Depressionawareness #Easternmedicine #Emotionalhealing #Empoweringmeditations #EmpoweringThoughts #Healing #Health #Healwithin #Holistichealth #Innerhealing #JamesCole #Medicine #Meditation #Mentalhealth #Mentalhealthawareness #Mentalhealthmatters #Mentalhealthquotes #Mentalhealthrecovery #Mindbodysoul #Mindfulness #Spiritualawakening #Wellbeing #Westernmedicine

From November 1, 2023: I’ve felt so #broken again lately, both #emotionally & #physically, & frankly, it’s beyond #embarrassing crying on here about my #persistent #personal #failures.

Today was the 80th day of my intravenous #antibiotics therapy. Sadly, I still have a few more weeks of this. The antibiotics really drain my system, leaving me #lethargic & unproductive by the time I get to my Mom’s place, where I’ve been staying since I had my #stroke.

I’ve messed up my #ArtHistory course. I didn’t tell the professor what’s been happening with my health, primarily because when I had done so in the past it was deemed to be #oversharing & #inappropriate. Since then, I’ve done my best to not miss this teacher’s classes & to get my work in.

But I did miss the first class, & I had hoped not to miss another. Stupidly, I did miss the October 11 class as on the 10th I got my COVID-19 booster #shot, as well as my annual flu vaccination. Those shots, combined with the ongoing antibiotics therapy, knocked me out hard. I remember I developed a fever, & sleeping all day. When I went for my IV, I remember describing how horrible I felt to the nurses & considered going to the ER. Actually, one of the nurses took me back to my car in a wheelchair & I ended up sleeping in my car for an hour or two before heading back to my Mom’s. In hindsight, I should not have even driven.

On October 17, I saw that the professor had emailed me, saying they had contacted the early alert team at @kwantlenu (who I never heard back from), & strongly recommended I drop the class.

I went to the next class, & the professor told me to see them in the hallway after asking me why I was there. They firmly talked to me like a strict parent talks to a child. They were tired of my games & if I was going to stay in the course, I had to leave now to work on & hand in an incomplete assignment by the end of the day. I worked hard on it, but as the midnight hour approached I found myself giving up as I was only halfway through the questions. Very early the next morning, they emailed me saying they were failing me in the course, leaving me feeling so useless for not handling things better with them.

(305/365)