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poster art for the february installment of an open mic series here in berkeley. art direction by joe christiano of pegasus books.
Horned Puffins mirror one another against a deeply shadowed cliff face. Little Tanaga Strait, Aleutian Islands, Alaska, USA.
Canon 5DM3 | Canon 400mm f/5.6 | Handheld from boat
Bornite from Poland. (~6.7 centimeters across at its widest)
A mineral is a naturally-occurring, solid, inorganic, crystalline substance having a fairly definite chemical composition and having fairly definite physical properties. At its simplest, a mineral is a naturally-occurring solid chemical. Currently, there are over 5700 named and described minerals - about 200 of them are common and about 20 of them are very common. Mineral classification is based on anion chemistry. Major categories of minerals are: elements, sulfides, oxides, halides, carbonates, sulfates, phosphates, and silicates.
The sulfide minerals contain one or more sulfide anions (S-2). The sulfides are usually considered together with the arsenide minerals, the sulfarsenide minerals, and the telluride minerals. Many sulfides are economically significant, as they occur commonly in ores. The metals that combine with S-2 are mainly Fe, Cu, Ni, Ag, etc. Most sulfides have a metallic luster, are moderately soft, and are noticeably heavy for their size. These minerals will not form in the presence of free oxygen. Under an oxygen-rich atmosphere, sulfide minerals tend to chemically weather to various oxide and hydroxide minerals.
Bornite is a copper iron sulfide mineral (Cu5FeS4). It's one of several economically significant copper ore minerals (others include chalcocite and chalcopyrite). On fresh, unweathered surfaces, bornite has a metallic copper-orange appearance. Fresh surfaces tarnish relatively quickly. Early-formed bornite tarnish is iridescent, with blues and purples and reds and greens, resulting in the nickname “peacock ore”. As the tarnish thickens, more blues and purples stand out. Late-stage bornite tarnish is a dark purplish-blue. The tarnish material is actually covellite (CuS). With weathering, oxidation, and breakdown, bornite converts to covellite and chalcocite.
Bornite is moderately soft (H=3), has no cleavage, and is noticeably heavy for its size.
This bornite sample comes from a copper mine in Poland. Mining targets a copper sulfide-rich horizon known as the "Kupferschiefer" (= "copper shale"). The unit is a thin (less than 1 meter thick), black shale horizon in the Permian of many parts of northern Europe - for example, Germany, Poland, and parts of Britain. The horizon is estimated to be present at the surface or in the subsurface over an area of at least 20,000 square kilometers.
Reported metallic minerals include chalcocite (Cu2S - copper sulfide), chalcopyrite (CuFeS2 - copper iron sulfide), bornite, pyrite (FeS2 - iron sulfide), galena (PbS - lead sulfide), sphalerite (ZnS - zinc sulfide), tetrahedrite (Cu12Sb4S13 - copper antimony sulfide), and others. Minor amounts of precious metals, such as gold and platinum-group elements, are also known.
The origin of the Kupferschiefer's mineralization has been explained by several hypotheses in the literature. Traditionally, this stratabound copper sulfide deposit was interpreted as having formed by metal sulfide precipitation on an ancient Permian seafloor in stagnant water with reducing conditions.
Subsequent investigations have demonstrated that metal-rich fluids have gone through the Kupferschiefer, plus some overlying and underlying rocks, and precipitated various sulfide minerals. Two pulses of sulfide mineralization have been identified: at around 149 Ma (Late Jurassic) and 53 Ma (Eocene). Suggested causative events for the mineralization are the breakup of Pangaea during the Mesozoic and the closure of the Tethys Sea during the early Tertiary (see Borg et al., 2012).
Stratigraphic context: unrecorded/undisclosed
Locality: Lubin Copper Mine, southwestern Poland
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Photo gallery of bornite:
www.mindat.org/gallery.php?min=727
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Info. at:
de-m-wikipedia-org.translate.goog/wiki/Kupferschiefer?_x_...
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Partly synthesized from:
Guilbert & Park (1986) - The Geology of Ore Deposits. 985 pp.
Borg et al. (2012) - An overview of the European Kupferschiefer Deposits. Society of Economic Geologists Special Publication 16: 455-486.
This logo for the Banana Breakup comedy improv team was on a window during the North Carolina Comedy Arts Festival in February.
Polygon Breakup explores unfamiliar techniques for achieving visual effects. In place of a standard fadeout, a recursive polygon splitting function slowly shreds the shapes.
Prints are available at www.tylerlhobbs.com/works/item/polygon-breakup.
Broken skateboard poster/sketch/messin around...
everytime you break a skateboard, you break a heart.
-These photographs were taken September 12th 2009. Funny how I reuse oldies.
-My boyfriend and I are no more.
-I haven't felt able to say it out loud/or write it down...
-It ended the last week of May... (however it wasn't clear till July...)
-I've done badly in both of the exams I took three days after we split... I'm very unhappy.
-Its taking me a long time to "get over." I'm sorry but thats just me.
-One thing that made me happy, who made me happy.... turned upside down and became a source of upset.... :'(
-It was one inspiration for "Torn."
www.youtube.com/watch?v=e0AFsMrxwJ8
-Its hard when both people feel differently.
-I didn't want to let go.... still don't want to let go. I hurt more than I let on.
-I miss everything about him... I feel so lonely now... I want him/it back...
-I'm a single girl... There. I said it. After three months... its about time.
- :'(
** FILE ** In this Oct. 18, 2007 file photo, Mexico's band RBD presents the award for Best Pop Artist during the 2007 MTV Latin Video Music Awards at the Palacio de los Deportes in Mexico City. RBD announced on Friday, Aug. 15, 2008 that they are breaking up after fours years. (AP Photo/Gregory Bull,File)
Mid-Atlantic Ridge South Coast Iceland
The ridge was central in the breakup of the hypothetical Pangaea that began some 180 million years ago.
The Mid-Atlantic Ridge in Iceland
The Mid-Atlantic Ridge (MAR) is a mid-ocean ridge, a divergent tectonic plate boundary located along the floor of the Atlantic Ocean, and part of the longest mountain range in the world. It separates the Eurasian Plate and North American Plate in the North Atlantic, and the African Plate from the South American Plate in the South Atlantic. The Ridge extends from a junction with the Gakkel Ridge (Mid-Arctic Ridge) northeast of Greenland southward to the Bouvet Triple Junction in the South Atlantic. Although the Mid-Atlantic Ridge is mostly an underwater feature, portions of it have enough elevation to extend above sea level. The section of the ridge which includes the island of Iceland is also known as the Reykjanes Ridge. The average spreading rate for the ridge is about 2.5 cm per year.
Plate tectonics
The tectonic plates of the world were mapped in the second half of the 20th century.
Remnants of the Farallon Plate, deep in Earth's mantle. It is thought that much of the plate initially went under North America (particularly the western United States and southwest Canada) at a very shallow angle, creating much of the mountainous terrain in the area (particularly the southern Rocky Mountains).
Plate tectonics is a scientific theory that describes the large-scale motions of Earth's lithosphere. The model builds on the concepts of continental drift, developed during the first decades of the 20th century. It was accepted by the geoscientific community after the concepts of seafloor spreading were developed in the late 1950s and early 1960s.
The lithosphere is broken up into tectonic plates. On Earth, there are seven or eight major plates (depending on how they are defined) and many minor plates. Where plates meet, their relative motion determines the type of boundary: convergent, divergent, or transform. Earthquakes, volcanic activity, mountain-building, and oceanic trench formation occur along these plate boundaries. The lateral relative movement of the plates typically varies from zero to 100 mm annually.
Tectonic plates are composed of oceanic lithosphere and thicker continental lithosphere, each topped by its own kind of crust. Along convergent boundaries, subduction carries plates into the mantle; the material lost is roughly balanced by the formation of new (oceanic) crust along divergent margins by seafloor spreading. In this way, the total surface of the globe remains the same. This prediction of plate tectonics is also referred to as the conveyor belt principle. Earlier theories (that still have some supporters) proposed gradual shrinking (contraction) or gradual expansion of the globe.
Tectonic plates are able to move because the Earth's lithosphere has a higher strength and lower density than the underlying asthenosphere. Lateral density variations in the mantle result in convection. Plate movement is thought to be driven by a combination of the motion of the seafloor away from the spreading ridge (due to variations in topography and density of the crust, which result in differences in gravitational forces) and drag, downward suction, at the subduction zones. Another explanation lies in the different forces generated by the rotation of the globe and the tidal forces of the Sun and the Moon. The relative importance of each of these factors is unclear, and is still subject to debate.
Continental Drift.
Continental drift is the movement of the Earth's continents relative to each other by appearing to drift across the ocean bed. The speculation that continents might have 'drifted' was first put forward by Abraham Ortelius in 1596. The concept was independently (and more fully) developed by Alfred Wegener in 1912. The theory of continental drift was superseded by the theory of plate tectonics, which builds upon and better explains why the continents move.
North Amercan Plate
The North American Plate is a tectonic plate covering most of North America, Greenland, Cuba, Bahamas, and parts of Siberia, Iceland and the Azores. It extends eastward to the Mid-Atlantic Ridge and westward to the Chersky Range in eastern Siberia. The plate includes both continental and oceanic crust. The interior of the main continental landmass includes an extensive granitic core called a craton. Along most of the edges of this craton are fragments of crustal material called terranes, accreted to the craton by tectonic actions over the long span of geologic time. It is believed that much of North America west of the Rockies is composed of such terranes.
Geographic extent
The easterly side of the North American Plate is a divergent boundary with the Eurasian Plate to the north and the African Plate to the south forming the northern part of the Mid-Atlantic Ridge.
The southerly boundary with the Cocos Plate to the west and the Caribbean Plate to the east is a transform fault, represented by the Cayman Trench under the Caribbean Sea and the Motagua Fault through Guatemala. The parallel Septentrional and Enriquillo-Plantain Garden faults, which run through the island of Hispaniola and bound the Gonâve Microplate, are also a part of the boundary. The rest of the southerly margin which extends east to the Mid Atlantic Ridge and marks the boundary between the North American Plate and the South American Plate remains poorly understood and undefined.
On the northerly boundary is a continuation of the Mid-Atlantic ridge called the Gakkel Ridge. The rest of the boundary in the far northwestern part of the plate extends into Siberia. This boundary continues from the end of the Gakkel Ridge as the Laptev Sea Rift, on to a transitional deformation zone in the Chersky Range, then the Ulakhan Fault between it and the Okhotsk Plate, and finally the Aleutian Trench to the end of the Queen Charlotte Fault system.
The westerly boundary is the Queen Charlotte Fault running offshore along the coast of Alaska and the Cascadia subduction zone to the north, the San Andreas Fault through California, the East Pacific Rise in the Gulf of California, and the Middle America Trench to the south.
On its western edge the Farallon Plate has been subducting under the North American Plate since the Jurassic Period. The Farallon Plate has almost completely subducted beneath the western portion of the North American Plate leaving that part of the North American Plate in contact with the Pacific Plate as the San Andreas Fault. The Juan de Fuca, Explorer, Gorda, Cocos and Nazca Plates are remnants of the Farallon Plate.
The boundary along the Gulf of California is complex. The Gulf is underlain by the Gulf of California Rift Zone, a series of rift basins and transform fault segments between the northern end of the East Pacific Rise in the mouth of the gulf to the San Andreas Fault system in the vicinity of the Salton Trough rift/Brawley seismic zone.
It is generally accepted that a piece of the North American Plate was broken off and transported north as the East Pacific Rise propagated northward, creating the Gulf of California. However, it is as yet unclear whether the oceanic crust east of the Rise and west of the mainland coast of Mexico is actually a new plate beginning to converge with the North American Plate, consistent with the standard model of rift zone spreading centers generally.[citation needed]
Hotspots
A few hotspots are thought to exist below the North American Plate. The most notable hotspots are the Yellowstone (Wyoming), Raton (New Mexico), and Anahim (British Columbia) hotspots. These are thought to be caused by a narrow stream of hot mantle convecting up the Earth's core-mantle boundary called a mantle plume, although some geologists prefer upper-mantle convection as a cause. The Yellowstone and Anahim hotspots are thought to have first arrived during the Miocene period and are still geologically active, creating earthquakes and volcanoes. The Yellowstone hotspot is most notable for the Yellowstone Caldera and the many calderas that lie in the Snake River Plain while the Anahim hotspot is most notable for the Anahim Volcanic Belt, currently found in the Nazko Cone area.
Plate motion
For the most part, the North American Plate moves in roughly a southwest direction away from the Mid-Atlantic Ridge.
The motion of the plate cannot be driven by subduction as no part of the North American Plate is being subducted, except for a small section comprising part of the Puerto Rico Trench; thus other mechanisms continue to be investigated.
One recent study suggests that a mantle convective current is propelling the plate.
Edited Landsat 8 image of the breakup of the large iceberg that just split away from the Larsen C ice shelf. Processing variant.
Image source: earthobservatory.nasa.gov/IOTD/view.php?id=90627
Original caption: When a massive iceberg first broke away from Antarctica’s Larsen C ice shelf sometime between July 10-12, 2017, scientists knew it would eventually start breaking apart. That’s the normal life cycle of a drifting iceberg, which is at the mercy of the ocean’s battering currents, tides, and winds. Already those forces have turned A-68 into two named bergs, A-68A and A-68B, as well as a handful of pieces too small to be named by the U.S. National Ice Center.
In the two weeks following the initial break, satellite imagery has documented the iceberg’s motion. The southern end appears to have slammed into a mix of floating ice above Gipps Ice Rise—the bump of snow- and ice-covered bedrock visible in the lower right of the image. Then the berg rebounded and its northern end swung back toward the just opened rift. The resulting impact caused both the berg’s north end and the ice shelf to fracture.
“The back-and-forth movement of A-68 looks akin to maneuvering a parallel-parked car out of a tight parking space—like an Austin Powers three-point turn,” said Christopher Shuman, a cryospheric scientist at NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center and the University of Maryland, Baltimore County.
The fractured berg and shelf are visible in these images, acquired on July 21, 2017, by the Thermal Infrared Sensor (TIRS) on the Landsat 8 satellite. The false-color view shows the relative warmth or coolness across the region. White indicates where the ice or water surface is warmest, most notably in the widening strip of mélange between the main iceberg and the remaining ice shelf. Dark grays and blacks are the coldest areas of ice.
So far, the calving and fracturing has taken place under the dark cover of polar night during Antarctica’s austral winter. That makes thermal imagery from satellites a critical tool for “seeing” the action. Adrian Luckman of the UK-based Project MIDAS first saw the berg break away in thermal data from the Moderate Resolution Imaging Spectroradiometer (MODIS), before Sentinel radar data became available later on July 12.
The thermal view above shows a remarkable amount of detail. The bright signature of relatively warm ocean water appears around A-68B, which broke off sometime between late July 13 and early July 14. More subtle fractures north of A-68B are visible on the shelf; these pieces will eventually break free and move out to sea with the rest of the ice.
All of the ice pieces large and small are subject to the water currents of the Weddell Gyre and the strong weather systems that can whip up blinding snow and blanket the region in clouds for many days at a time. This same ocean circulation that will eventually move the bergs northward toward South Georgia Island.
In the meantime, scientists will have to wait until August—the end of polar night here—to get their first natural-color images since the long-growing Larsen C rift became a complete break.
References and Related Reading
NASA Earth Observatory, Rift and Calving at Larsen C Ice Shelf.
NASA Earth Observatory (2017, July 12) Antarctic Ice Shelf Sheds Massive Iceberg.
NASA Earth Observatory (2017, July 12) Landsat Spots Birth of Iceberg A-68.
Project MIDAS (2017, July 12) Larsen C calves trillion ton iceberg. Accessed July 12, 2017.
NASA Earth Observatory images by Jesse Allen, using Landsat data from the U.S. Geological Survey. Story by Kathryn Hansen.
Instrument(s):
Landsat 8 - TIRS
“i’m leaving you” she said as a matter of factly…meghan was sitting beside me at the bar…she had turned slightly so we were almost facing each other…
“why ?” I was a bit surprised, ok a lot surprised at this turn of events…
“i’m bored and I need a change…this relationship is ok but it’s always the same…we never do or try anything differently…”
“i thought we were doing ok, so what is it you want to do…”
“i don’t know…like I said I’m bored…maybe if I kind of wandered for a while…maybe…”
“is it something sexual…some different position you want to try…a different technique…maybe some toys…how about a menage…maybe one of your friends would like to join us…beth? sandra?...i’d like that too !...a lot…”
“yea you would…maybe if you thought about me for once…how about one of your friends…gary or ted…I’ve noticed the way they look at me…I could do either one...or both..."
“touche…well if you’ve made up your mind, how about one for the road?...maybe I can change your mind…”
“ok…but I don’t think anything you’ve got left is going to change my mind…if you want to try and I know you do let’s go to your place…that way I can leave after we’re done…”
12.17 day 4
broken hearted. :[
today was going ok. other than my usual clutzy self.
than i got a phone call that changed everything. :[
the guy that i had fallen for gave me the most heart wrenching news. i never saw it coming. and ive been crying all day.
i dunno how things are going to work out :'[
</3 brenda
With all of the technology we have access to today, it can be hard to tell if our phones and computers are bringing us closer together or pulling us further apart. It turns out that they are apparently doing both! Texting and its naughtier cousin, sexting, are both popular and discreet ways to...
blog.cogxio.com/how-sexting-could-make-or-break-your-rela...
y bueno , otraves estoy asi , asi perdido , me sentia en el cielo y luego en un segundo todo se desmorona , es tan malo sentirse asi , sentir que aveces la persona que amas , aquella persona que darias todo por aserla felis , te traicione. bueno asi es todo , todos es una real y pura mentira , en este mundo lleno de odio es dificl encontrar el amor y no se como fui tan imbecil para sentir que estoy duraria para siempre , odio esta vida , odio este mundo , odio existir pero no puedo odiarte a ti . en fin aun queda algo y ojala no se acabe porque es lo que me ase seguir . nose comolo aras para recuperame pero costara y no sera facil.
tu eras todas las cosas que yo creia conocer y pensaba que podriamos ser . tu eras todo , todo lo que yo queria , lo que debiamos ser se suponia que eramos pero lo perdimos , todos nuestros recuerdos , tan cercanos a mi se desvanecen .
todo este tiempo estabas aparentando . aun falta mucho para mi final feliz .
es bonito saber que estuviste ahi , gracias por atctuar como si te importara y hacerme sentir como si fuera el unico . es bonito saber que lo tuvimos todo gracias po mirar como caigo y hacerme saber que habiamos terminado
Steely Dan is an American rock duo founded in 1972 by core members Walter Becker (guitars, bass, backing vocals) and Donald Fagen (keyboards, lead vocals). Blending rock, jazz, latin music, reggae, traditional pop, R&B, blues,[2] and sophisticated studio production with cryptic and ironic lyrics, the band enjoyed critical and commercial success starting from the early 1970s until breaking up in 1981.[2] Throughout their career, the duo recorded with a revolving cast of session musicians, and in 1974 retired from live performances to become a studio-only band. Rolling Stone has called them "the perfect musical antiheroes for the Seventies".[4]
After the group disbanded in 1981, Becker and Fagen were less active throughout most of the next decade, though a cult following[2] remained devoted to the group. Since reuniting in 1993, Steely Dan has toured steadily and released two albums of new material, the first of which, Two Against Nature, earned a Grammy Award for Album of the Year. They have sold more than 40 million albums worldwide and were inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in March 2001.[5][6][7][8] VH1 ranked Steely Dan at #82 on their list of the 100 greatest musical artists of all time.[9] Founding member Walter Becker died on September 3, 2017, leaving Fagen as the sole official member.
Contents
1History
1.1Formative and early years (1967–1972)
1.2Can't Buy a Thrill and Countdown to Ecstasy (1972–1973)
1.3Pretzel Logic and Katy Lied (1974–1976)
1.4The Royal Scam and Aja (1976–1978)
1.5Gaucho and breakup (1978–1981)
1.6Time off (1981–1993)
1.7Reunion, Alive in America (1993–2000)
1.8Two Against Nature and Everything Must Go (2000–2003)
1.8.1Firing of Roger Nichols
1.9Touring, solo activity (2003–2017)
1.10After Becker's death (2017–present)
2Musical and lyrical style
2.1Music
2.1.1Overall sound
2.1.2Backing vocals
2.1.3Horns
2.1.4Composition and chord use
2.2Lyrics
3Members
3.1Timeline
4Discography
5See also
6References
7External links
History
Formative and early years (1967–1972)
Becker and Fagen met in 1967 at Bard College, in Annandale-on-Hudson, New York. As Fagen passed by a café, The Red Balloon, he heard Becker practicing the electric guitar.[10] In an interview, Fagen recounted the experience: "I hear this guy practicing, and it sounded very professional and contemporary. It sounded like, you know, like a black person, really."[10] He introduced himself to Becker and asked, "Do you want to be in a band?"[10] Discovering that they enjoyed similar music, the two began writing songs together.
Becker and Fagen began playing in local groups. One such group, known as the Don Fagen Jazz Trio, the Bad Rock Group and later the Leather Canary, included future comedy star Chevy Chase on drums. They played covers of songs by The Rolling Stones ("Dandelion"), Moby Grape ("Hey Grandma"), and Willie Dixon ("Spoonful"), as well as some original compositions.[10] Terence Boylan, another Bard musician, remembered that Fagen took readily to the beatnik life while attending college: "They never came out of their room, they stayed up all night. They looked like ghosts—black turtlenecks and skin so white that it looked like yogurt. Absolutely no activity, chain-smoking Lucky Strikes and dope."[10] Fagen himself would later remember it as "probably the only time in my life that I actually had friends."[11]
After Fagen graduated in 1969, the two moved to Brooklyn and tried to peddle their tunes in the Brill Building in midtown Manhattan. Kenny Vance (of Jay and the Americans), who had a production office in the building, took an interest in their music, which led to work on the soundtrack of the low-budget Richard Pryor film You've Got to Walk It Like You Talk It or You'll Lose That Beat. Becker later said bluntly, "We did it for the money."[12] A series of demos from 1968 to 1971 are available in multiple different releases, not authorized by Becker and Fagen.[13] This collection features approximately 25 tracks and is notable for its sparse arrangements (Fagen plays solo piano on many songs) and lo-fi production, a contrast with Steely Dan's later work. Although some of these songs ("Caves of Altamira", "Brooklyn", "Barrytown") were re-recorded for Steely Dan albums, most were never officially released.
Becker and Fagen joined the touring band of Jay and the Americans for about a year and a half.[14] They were at first paid $100 per show, but partway through their tenure the band's tour manager cut their salaries in half.[14] The group's lead singer, Jay Black, dubbed Becker and Fagen "the Manson and Starkweather of rock 'n' roll", referring to cult leader Charles Manson and spree killer Charles Starkweather.[14]
They had little success after moving to Brooklyn, although Barbra Streisand recorded their song "I Mean To Shine" on her 1971 Barbra Joan Streisand album. Their fortunes changed when one of Vance's associates, Gary Katz, moved to Los Angeles to become a staff producer for ABC Records. He hired Becker and Fagen as staff songwriters; they flew to California. Katz would produce all their 1970s albums in collaboration with engineer Roger Nichols. Nichols would win six Grammy Awards for his work with the band from the 1970s to 2001.[15]
After realizing that their songs were too complex for other ABC artists, at Katz's suggestion Becker and Fagen formed their own band with guitarists Denny Dias and Jeff "Skunk" Baxter, drummer Jim Hodder and singer David Palmer, and Katz signed them to ABC as recording artists. Fans of Beat Generation literature, Fagen and Becker named the band after a "revolutionary" steam-powered dildo mentioned in the William S. Burroughs novel Naked Lunch.[16][17][18] Palmer joined as a second lead vocalist because of Fagen's occasional stage fright, his reluctance to sing in front of an audience, and because the label believed that his voice was not "commercial" enough.
In 1972, ABC issued Steely Dan's first single, "Dallas", backed with "Sail the Waterway". Distribution of "stock" copies available to the general public was apparently extremely limited;[19] the single sold so poorly that promotional copies are much more readily available than stock copies in today's collectors market. As of 2015, "Dallas" and "Sail the Waterway" are the only officially released Steely Dan tracks that have not been reissued on cassette or compact disc. In an interview (1995), Becker and Fagen called the songs "stinko."[20] "Dallas" was later covered by Poco on their Head Over Heels album.
Can't Buy a Thrill and Countdown to Ecstasy (1972–1973)
Can't Buy a Thrill, Steely Dan's debut album, was released in 1972. Its hit singles "Do It Again" and "Reelin' In the Years" reached No. 6 and No. 11 respectively on the Billboard singles chart. Along with "Dirty Work" (sung by David Palmer), the songs became staples on classic rock radio.
Because of Fagen's reluctance to sing live, Palmer handled most of the vocal duties on stage. During the first tour, however, Katz and Becker decided that they preferred Fagen's interpretations of the band's songs, persuading him to take over. Palmer quietly left the group while it recorded its second album. He wrote the No. 2 hit "Jazzman" (1974) with Carole King.
Released in 1973, Countdown to Ecstasy was not as commercially successful as Steely Dan's first album. Becker and Fagen were unhappy with some of the performances on the record and believed that it sold poorly because it had been recorded hastily on tour. The album's singles were "Show Biz Kids" and "My Old School", both of which stayed in the lower half of the Billboard charts (though "My Old School" and—to a lesser extent—"Bodhisattva" became minor FM Rock staples in time).
Pretzel Logic and Katy Lied (1974–1976)
Guitarist Jeff "Skunk" Baxter left Steely Dan in 1974 when they ceased performing live and began working in the studio exclusively.
Pretzel Logic was released in early 1974. A diverse set, it includes the group's most successful single, "Rikki Don't Lose That Number" (No. 4 on the Billboard Hot 100), and a note-for-note rendition of Duke Ellington and James "Bubber" Miley's "East St. Louis Toodle-Oo".
During the previous album's tour, the band had added vocalist-percussionist Royce Jones, vocalist-keyboardist Michael McDonald, and session drummer Jeff Porcaro.[21] Porcaro played the sole drum track on one song, "Night By Night" on Pretzel Logic (Jim Gordon played drums on all the remaining tracks, and he and Porcaro both played on "Parker's Band"), reflecting Steely Dan's increasing reliance on session musicians (including Dean Parks and Rick Derringer). Jeff Porcaro and Katy Lied pianist David Paich would go on to form Toto. Striving for perfection, Becker and Fagen sometimes asked musicians to record as many as forty takes of each track.[22]
Pretzel Logic was the first Steely Dan album to feature Walter Becker on guitar. "Once I met [session musician] Chuck Rainey", he explained, "I felt there really was no need for me to be bringing my bass guitar to the studio anymore".[22]
A rift began growing between Becker-Fagen and Steely Dan's other members (particularly Baxter and Hodder), who wanted to tour. Becker and Fagen disliked constant touring and wanted to concentrate solely on writing and recording. The other members gradually left the band, discouraged by this and by their diminishing roles in the studio. However, Dias remained with the group until 1980's Gaucho and Michael McDonald contributed vocals until the group's twenty-year hiatus after Gaucho. Baxter and McDonald went on to join The Doobie Brothers. Steely Dan's last tour performance was on July 5, 1974, a concert at the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium in California.[23]
Becker and Fagen recruited a diverse group of session players for Katy Lied (1975), including Porcaro, Paich, and McDonald, as well as guitarist Elliott Randall, jazz saxophonist Phil Woods, saxophonist/bass-guitarist Wilton Felder, percussionist/vibraphonist/keyboardist Victor Feldman, keyboardist (and later producer) Michael Omartian, and guitarist Larry Carlton—Dias, Becker, and Fagen being Steely Dan's only original members. The album went gold on the strength of "Black Friday" and "Bad Sneakers", but Becker and Fagen were so dissatisfied with the album's sound (compromised by a faulty DBX noise reduction system) that they publicly apologized for it (on the album's back cover) and for years refused to listen to it in its final form.[24] Katy Lied also included "Doctor Wu" and "Chain Lightning".
The Royal Scam and Aja (1976–1978)
The Royal Scam was released in May 1976. Partly because of Carlton's prominent contributions, it is the band's most guitar-oriented album. It also features performances by session drummer Bernard Purdie. The album sold well in the United States, though without the strength of a hit single. "Haitian Divorce" (Top 20) drove sales in the UK, becoming Steely Dan's first major hit in that country.[25] Steely Dan's sixth album, the jazz-influenced Aja, was released in September 1977. Aja reached the Top Five in the U.S. charts within three weeks, winning the Grammy award for "Engineer – Best Engineered Recording – Non-Classical." It was also one of the first American LPs to be certified 'platinum' for sales of over 1 million albums.[26][27]
Roger [Nichols] made those records sound like they did. He was extraordinary in his willingness and desire to make records sound better.[28] The records we did could not have been done without Roger. He was just maniacal about making the sound of the records be what we liked... He always thought there was a better way to do it, and he would find a way to do what we needed to in ways that other people hadn't done yet.[29]
~ Steely Dan producer Gary Katz regarding Roger Nichols' role in the band's recording legacy.
Featuring Michael McDonald's backing vocals, "Peg" (No. 11) was the album's first single, followed by "Josie" (No. 26) and "Deacon Blues" (No. 19). Aja solidified Becker's and Fagen's reputations as songwriters and studio perfectionists. It features such jazz and fusion luminaries as guitarists Larry Carlton and Lee Ritenour; bassist Chuck Rainey; saxophonists Wayne Shorter, Pete Christlieb, and Tom Scott; drummers Steve Gadd, Rick Marotta and Bernard Purdie; pianist Joe Sample and ex-Miles Davis pianist/vibraphonist Victor Feldman and Grammy award-winning producer/arranger Michael Omartian (piano).
Planning to tour in support of Aja, Steely Dan assembled a live band. Rehearsal ended and the tour was canceled when backing musicians began comparing pay.[30] The album's history was documented in an episode of the TV and DVD series Classic Albums.
After Aja's success, Becker and Fagen were asked to write the title track for the movie FM. The movie was a box-office disaster, but the song was a hit, earning Steely Dan another engineering Grammy award. It was a minor hit in the UK and barely missed the Top 20 in the U.S.A.[25]
Gaucho and breakup (1978–1981)
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Becker and Fagen took a break from songwriting for most of 1978 before starting work on Gaucho. The project would not go smoothly: technical, legal, and personal setbacks delayed the album's release and subsequently led Becker and Fagen to suspend their partnership for over a decade.
Misfortune struck early when an assistant engineer accidentally erased most of "The Second Arrangement", a favorite track of Katz and Nichols,[31] which was never recovered. More trouble — this time legal — followed. In March 1979, MCA Records bought ABC, and for much of the next two years Steely Dan could not release an album. Becker and Fagen had planned on leaving ABC for Warner Bros. Records, but MCA claimed ownership of their music, preventing them from changing labels.
Turmoil in Becker's personal life also interfered. His girlfriend died of a drug overdose in their Upper West Side apartment, and he was sued for $17 million. Becker settled out of court, but he was shocked by the accusations and by the tabloid press coverage that followed. Soon after, Becker was struck by a taxi while crossing a Manhattan street, shattering his right leg in several places and forcing him to use crutches.
Still more legal trouble was to come. Jazz composer Keith Jarrett sued Steely Dan for copyright infringement, claiming that they had based Gaucho's title track on one of his compositions, "Long As You Know You're Living Yours" (Fagen later admitted that he'd loved the song and that it had been a strong influence).[32]
Gaucho was finally released in November 1980. Despite its tortured history, it was another major success. The album's first single, "Hey Nineteen", reached No. 10 on the pop chart in early 1981, and "Time Out of Mind" (featuring guitarist Mark Knopfler of Dire Straits) was a moderate hit in the spring. "My Rival" was featured in John Huston's 1980 film Phobia. Roger Nichols won a third engineering Grammy award for his work on the album.
Time off (1981–1993)
Steely Dan disbanded in June 1981.[33] Becker and his family moved to Maui, where he became an "avocado rancher and self-styled critic of the contemporary scene."[34] He stopped using drugs, which he had used for most of his career.[35][36][37] Meanwhile, Fagen released a solo album, The Nightfly (1982), which went platinum in both the U.S. and the U.K. and yielded the Top Twenty hit "I.G.Y. (What a Beautiful World)." In 1988 Fagen wrote the score of Bright Lights, Big City and a song for its soundtrack, but otherwise recorded little. He occasionally did production work for other artists, as did Becker. The most prominent of these were two albums Becker produced for the British sophisti-pop group China Crisis, who were strongly influenced by Steely Dan.[38] Becker is listed as an official member of China Crisis on the first of these albums, 1985's Flaunt the Imperfection, and played keyboards on the band's Top 20 UK hit "Black Man Ray". For the second of the two albums, 1989's Diary of a Hollow Horse, Becker is only listed as a producer and not as a band member.
In 1986 Becker and Fagen performed on Zazu, an album by former model Rosie Vela produced by Gary Katz.[39] The two rekindled their friendship and held songwriting sessions between 1986 and 1987, leaving the results unfinished.[40] On October 23, 1991, Becker attended a concert by New York Rock and Soul Revue, co-founded by Fagen and producer/singer Libby Titus (who was for many years the partner of Levon Helm of The Band and would later become Fagen's wife), and spontaneously performed with the group.
Becker produced Fagen's second solo album, Kamakiriad, in 1993. Fagen conceived the album as a sequel to The Nightfly.[citation needed]
Reunion, Alive in America (1993–2000)
Steely Dan, shown here in 2007, toured frequently after reforming in 1993.
Becker and Fagen reunited for an American tour to support Kamakiriad, which sold poorly despite a Grammy nomination for Album of the Year. With Becker playing lead and rhythm guitar, the pair assembled a band that included a second keyboard player, second lead guitarist, bassist, drummer, vibraphonist, three female backing singers, and four-piece saxophone section. Among the musicians from the live band, several would continue to work with Steely Dan over the next decade, including bassist Tom Barney and saxophone players Cornelius Bumpus and Chris Potter. During this tour, Fagen introduced himself as "Rick Strauss" and Becker as "Frank Poulenc".
The next year, MCA released Citizen Steely Dan, a boxed set featuring their entire catalog (except their debut single "Dallas"/"Sail The Waterway") on four CDs, plus four extra tracks: "Here at the Western World" (originally released on 1978's "Greatest Hits"), "FM" (1978 single), a 1971 demo of "Everyone's Gone to the Movies" and "Bodhisattva (live)", the latter recorded on a cassette in 1974 and released as a B-side in 1980. That year Becker released his debut solo album, 11 Tracks of Whack, which Fagen co-produced.
Steely Dan toured again in support of the boxed set and Tracks. In 1995 they released a live CD, Alive in America, compiled from recordings of several 1993 and 1994 concerts. The Art Crimes Tour followed, including dates in the United States, Japan, and their first European shows in 22 years. After this activity, Becker and Fagen returned to the studio to begin work on a new album.
Two Against Nature and Everything Must Go (2000–2003)
In 2000 Steely Dan released their first studio album in 20 years: Two Against Nature. It won four Grammy Awards: Best Engineered Album – Non-Classical, Best Pop Vocal Album, Best Pop Performance by Duo or Group with Vocal ("Cousin Dupree"), and Album of the Year (despite competition in this category from Eminem's The Marshall Mathers LP and Radiohead's Kid A). In the summer of 2000, they began another American tour, followed by an international tour later that year. The tour featured guitarist Jon Herington, who would go on to play with the band over the next two decades. The group released the Plush TV Jazz-Rock Party DVD, documenting a live-in-the-studio concert performance of popular songs from throughout Steely Dan's career. In March 2001, Steely Dan was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.[5][6]
In 2003 Steely Dan released Everything Must Go. In contrast to their earlier work, they had tried to write music that captured a live feel. Becker sang lead vocals on a Steely Dan studio album for the first time ("Slang of Ages" — he had sung lead on his own "Book of Liars" on Alive in America). Fewer session musicians played on Everything Must Go than had become typical of Steely Dan albums: Becker played bass on every track and lead guitar on five tracks; Fagen added piano, electric piano, organ, synthesizers, and percussion on top of his vocals; touring drummer Keith Carlock played on every track.
Firing of Roger Nichols
In 2002 during the recording of Everything Must Go, Becker and Fagen fired their engineer Roger Nichols, who had worked with them for 30 years, without explanation or notification, according to band biographer Brian Sweet's 2018 revision of his book Reelin' in the Years.[41]
Touring, solo activity (2003–2017)
To complete his Nightfly trilogy, Fagen issued Morph the Cat in 2006. Steely Dan returned to annual touring that year with the Steelyard "Sugartooth" McDan and The Fab-Originees.com Tour.[42] Despite much fluctuation in membership, the live band featured mainstays Herrington, Carlock, bassist Freddie Washington, the horn section of Michael Leonhart, Jim Pugh, Roger Rosenberg, and Walt Weiskopf, and backing vocalists Carolyn Leonhart and Cindy Mizelle. The 2007 Heavy Rollers Tour included dates in North America, Europe, Japan, Australia, and New Zealand, making it their most expansive tour.[43]
The smaller Think Fast Tour followed in 2008, with keyboardist Jim Beard joining the live band. That year Becker released a second album, Circus Money, produced by Larry Klein and inspired by Jamaican music. In 2009 Steely Dan toured Europe and America extensively in their Left Bank Holiday and Rent Party Tour, alternating between standard one-date concerts at large venues and multi-night theater shows that featured performances of The Royal Scam, Aja, or Gaucho in their entirety on certain nights. The following year, Fagen formed the touring supergroup Dukes of September Rhythm Revue with McDonald, Boz Scaggs, and members of Steely Dan's live band, whose repertoire included songs by all three songwriters. Longtime studio engineer Roger Nichols died of pancreatic cancer on April 10, 2011.[44] Steely Dan's Shuffle Diplomacy Tour that year included an expanded set list and dates in Australia and New Zealand. Fagen released his fourth album, Sunken Condos, in 2012. It was his first solo release unrelated to the Nightfly trilogy.
The Mood Swings: 8 Miles to Pancake Day Tour began in July 2013 and featured an eight-night run at the Beacon Theatre in New York City.[45] Jamalot Ever After, their 2014 United States tour, ran from July 2 in Portland, Oregon to September 20 in Port Chester, New York.[46] 2015's Rockabye Gollie Angel Tour included opening act Elvis Costello and the Imposters and dates at the Coachella Valley Music and Arts Festival. The Dan Who Knew Too Much tour followed in 2016, with Steve Winwood opening. Steely Dan also performed at The Hollywood Bowl in Los Angeles with an accompanying orchestra.
The band played its final shows with Becker in 2017. In April, they played the 12-date Reelin' In the Chips residency in Las Vegas and Southern California.[47] Becker's final performance came on May 27 at the Greenwich Town Party in Greenwich, Connecticut.[48] Due to illness, Becker did not play Steely Dan's two Classics East and West concerts at Dodger Stadium and Citi Field in July.[49] Fagen embarked on a tour that summer with a new backing band, The Nightflyers.
After Becker's death (2017–present)
Becker died from complications of esophageal cancer on September 3, 2017.[50] In a note released to the media, Fagen remembered his longtime friend and bandmate, and promised to "keep the music we created together alive as long as I can with the Steely Dan band."[51] After Becker's death, Steely Dan honored commitments to perform a short North American tour in October 2017 and three concert dates in the United Kingdom and Ireland for Bluesfest on a double bill with the Doobie Brothers.[52] The band played its first concert following Becker's death in Thackerville, Oklahoma, on October 13.[52] In tribute to Becker, they performed his solo song "Book of Liars", with Fagen singing the lead vocals, at several concerts on the tour.[53]
Becker's widow and estate sued Fagen later that year, arguing that the estate should control 50% of the band's shares.[54] Fagen filed a counter suit, arguing that the band had drawn up plans in 1972 stating that band members leaving the band or dying relinquish shares of the band's output to the surviving members. In December, Fagen said that he would rather have retired the Steely Dan name after Becker's death, and would instead have toured with the current iteration of the group under another name, but was persuaded not to by promoters for commercial reasons.[55]
In 2018, Steely Dan performed on a summer tour of the United States with The Doobie Brothers as co-headliners.[56] The band also played a nine-show residency at the Beacon Theatre in New York City that October.[57] In February 2019, the band embarked on a tour of Great Britain with Steve Winwood.[58] Guitarist Connor Kennedy of The Nightflyers joined the live band, beginning with a nine-night residency at The Venetian Resort in Las Vegas in April 2019.[59]
On June 25, 2019, The New York Times Magazine listed Steely Dan among hundreds of artists whose material was reportedly destroyed in the 2008 Universal fire.[60]
Musical and lyrical style
Music
Overall sound
Special attention is given to the individual sound of each instrument. Recording is done with the utmost fidelity and attention to sonic detail, and mixed so that all the instruments are heard and none are given undue priority. Their albums are also notable for the characteristically 'warm' and 'dry' production sound, and the sparing use of echo and reverberation.
Backing vocals
Becker and Fagen favored a distinctly soul-influenced style of backing vocals, which after the first few albums were almost always performed by a female chorus (although Michael McDonald features prominently on several tracks, including the 1975 song "Black Friday" and the 1977 song "Peg"). Venetta Fields, Sherlie Matthews and Clydie King were the preferred trio for backing vocals on the group's late 1970s albums.[61] Other backing vocalists include Timothy B. Schmit, Tawatha Agee, Brenda White-King, Carolyn Leonhart, Janice Pendarvis, Catherine Russell, Cynthia Calhoun, Victoria Cave, Cindy Mizelle, and Jeff Young. The band also featured singers like Patti Austin and Valerie Simpson on later projects such as Gaucho.
Horns
Horn arrangements have been used on songs from all Steely Dan albums. They typically feature instruments such as trumpets, trombones and saxophones, although they have also used other instruments such as flutes and clarinets. The horn parts occasionally integrate simple synth lines to alter the tone quality of individual horn lines; for example in "Deacon Blues" this was done to "thicken" one of the saxophone lines. On their earlier albums Steely Dan featured guest arrangers and on their later albums the arrangement work is credited to Fagen.
Composition and chord use
Steely Dan is famous for their use of chord sequences and harmonies that explore the area of musical tension between traditional pop sounds and jazz. In particular, they are known for their use of the add 2 chord, a type of added tone chord, which they nicknamed the mu major.[62][63][64] Other common chords used by Steely Dan include slash chords for example Bb/C or E7/A. This notation shows a chord (shown to the left of the slash) with a note other than the tonic (shown to the right of the slash) as the lowest pitched note.[65]
Lyrics
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Steely Dan's lyrical subjects are diverse, but in their basic approach they often create fictional personae that participate in a narrative or situation. The duo have said that in retrospect, most of their albums have a "feel" of either Los Angeles or New York City, the two main cities where Becker and Fagen lived and worked. Characters appear in their songs that evoke these cities. Steely Dan's lyrics are often puzzling to the listener,[66] with the true meaning of the song "uncoded" through repeated listening, and a richer understanding of the references within the lyrics. For example, in the song "Everyone's Gone to the Movies," the line "I know you're used to 16 or more, sorry we only have eight" refers not to the count of some article, but to eight-millimeter film, which was lower quality than 16 mm or larger formats, underscoring the illicitness of Mr. Lapage's movie parties.
Thematically, Steely Dan creates a universe peopled by losers, creeps and failed dreamers, often victims of their own obsessions and delusions. These motifs are introduced in the Dan's first hit song, "Do It Again," which contains a description of a murderous cowboy who beats the gallows, a man taken advantage of by a cheating girlfriend, and an obsessive gambler, all of whom are unable to command their own destinies; similar themes of being trapped in a death spiral of one's own making appear throughout their catalog. Other themes that they explore include prejudice, aging, poverty, and middle-class ennui.
Many would argue that Steely Dan never wrote a genuine love song, instead dealing with personal passion in the guise of a destructive obsession.[67] Many of their songs concern love, but typical of Steely Dan songs is an ironic or disturbing twist in the lyrics that reveals a darker reality. For example, expressed "love" is actually about prostitution ("Pearl of the Quarter"), incest ("Cousin Dupree"), pornography ("Everyone's Gone to the Movies"), or some other socially unacceptable subject.[68] However, some of their demo-era recordings show Fagen and Becker expressing romance, including "This Seat's Been Taken", "Oh, Wow, It's You" and "Come Back Baby".
Steely Dan's lyrics contain subtle and encoded references, unusual (and sometimes original) slang expressions, a wide variety of "word games." The obscure and sometimes teasing lyrics have given rise to considerable efforts by fans to explain the "inner meaning" of certain songs.[69][70] Jazz is a recurring theme, and there are numerous other film, television and literary references and allusions, such as "Home at Last" (from Aja), which was inspired by Homer's Odyssey.
Some of their lyrics are notable for their unusual meter patterns; a prime example of this is their 1972 hit "Reelin' In the Years", which crams an unusually large number of words into each line, giving it a highly syncopated quality.
"Name dropping" is another Steely Dan lyrical device; references to real places and people abound in their songs. The song "My Old School" is an example, referring to Annandale (Annandale-on-Hudson, New York, is home to Bard College, which both attended and where they met), and the Two Against Nature album (2000) contains numerous references to the duo's original region, the New York metro area, including the district of Gramercy Park, the Strand Bookstore, and the upscale food store Dean & DeLuca. In the song "Glamour Profession" the conclusion of a drug deal is celebrated with dumplings at Mr. Chow, a Chinese restaurant in Beverly Hills. The band even employed self-reference; in the song "Show Biz Kids," the titular subjects are sardonically portrayed as owning "the Steely Dan T-shirt."
The band also often name-checks drinks, typically alcoholic, in their songs: rum and cokes ("Daddy Don't Live in That New York City No More"), piña coladas ("Bad Sneakers"), zombies ("Haitian Divorce"), black cows ("Black Cow"), Scotch whisky ("Deacon Blues"), retsina ("Home at Last"), grapefruit wine ("FM"), cherry wine ("Time Out of Mind"), Cuervo Gold ("Hey Nineteen"), kirschwasser ("Babylon Sisters"), Tanqueray ("Lunch with Gina"), Cuban breeze (Fagen's solo track "The Goodbye Look"), and margaritas ("Everything Must Go") are all mentioned in Steely Dan lyrics.[71]
Members
Current members
Donald Fagen – lead vocals, keyboards (1972–1981, 1993–present)
Former members
Walter Becker – guitar, bass, backing and lead vocals (1972–1981, 1993–2017; his death)
Jeff "Skunk" Baxter – guitar, backing vocals (1972–1974)
Denny Dias – guitar (1972–1974, studio contributions until 1977)
Jim Hodder – drums, backing and lead vocals (1972–1974; died 1990)
David Palmer – backing and lead vocals (1972–1973)
Royce Jones – backing and lead vocals, percussion (1973–1974)
Michael McDonald – keyboards, backing vocals (1974, studio contributions until 1980)
Jeff Porcaro – drums (1974, studio contributions until 1980; died 1992)
Sometimes in your life you just need to face it, no matter how deep you hide it, there will always come a moment when you will remember.
First you open your wings, you touch the clouds, the borders of the glas are painted with all the smiles brought by good memories, but then you come to the lower part of the glass, the liquor have the need to flush your sore trhoat, throat strangled by the ending, by the injustice, by the strugles that you made in your life, all the sacrifice, that never payed off.
We always will meet new, interesting people in our life, the ugly ones, the cute ones, the realy hot ones, the interesting, boring... every single profile. Some, will pass by our side like the new born breeze, some will tickle our imagination, and sometimes one of the team will decide that tickle to take over your life, and jump right into a new bus, leaving the old companion behind.
The only question is how do we know that the old road trip in time will show that was better then the new one? And if we realise it then, will it be too late to buy that ticket again, because the worst thing in the life is when you come too late.
If you are jumping from one bus to another, you will be stuck playing the same song but only with different instruments, and is it realy fair to replace your for so many years loved guitar with a violin, just to play the same song again?
The thing is, when you find something that you build and trully respect, you will see and visit hundreds of houses, but you will always gladly return to your doorstep, because you made it, and even if other doors look tempting, your is the one you chose, the one that was always there for you. That's a feeling that we often forget.
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This afternoon (May 19, 2013) the Chena River at Nordale Road. Still plenty of ice on the river as our extended breakup season continues.
Spring is finally truely here and Summer is in the air even in the mountains with patches of snow and incomplete ice breakup on some lakes. BC's beautiful Provincial flower, the Dogwood, elegantly decorates many a large tree.
ARE YOU SHY? INSECURE? DONT BELIEVE IN LOVE CAUSED BY A BAD BREAKUP?
MILLIONS OF PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF MEETING NEW PEOPLE DUE TO LACK OF COMMUNICATION, SELF APPEREANCE, AND FEAR.
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Shards of ice on the beach at Lake Clark as spring creeps in at the end of winter
Credit: NPS /D. Young. 2015
This African-American family was photographed in 1862 after Union forces captured the Sea Island coastal area of South Carolina. One of four photographs taken by Timothy O’Sullivan of the J. J. Smith plantation, this picture was subsequently exhibited at Alexander Gardner’s Washington, D.C., photography gallery in September 1863. In contrast to this Beaufort, South Carolina, family the history of the slave family was usually characterized by constant efforts by enslaved African Americans to maintain continuity in the face of forced break-ups and sales.
from Battle Cry of Freedeom, James M. McPherson
Slave marriages had no legal basis in the United States. More than half of the bondsmen in 1850 lived on farms or plantations with fewer than twenty slaves where they had difficulty finding marital partners in the same quarters. But slaves nevertheless married and raised large families.
Most slaveowners encouraged this process, in part because abolition of the African slave trade after 1807 made them dependent on natural increase to meet the labor demands of an expanding cottom kingdom.
. . . But North American slavery underminded the same family structure that it simultaneously encouraged. Responsible masters did their best to avoid breaking up slave families by sale or removal. Not all masters felt such a responsibility, however, and in any case they could not reach beyond the grave to prevent sales to satisfy creditors in settlement of an estate.
. . . This breakup of families was the largest chink in the armor of slavery's defenders.
Ok so it all started when I was born - literally. My parents were young when they had me, just 19 years old. My grandparents got guardianship of my brother and I when I was about three years old. My family has a history of mental illness on both sides, so I was "doomed" naturally. Schizophrenia, bipolar, manic depression, all disorders someone in my family was diagnosed with. My maternal grandmother is manic depressive, and things were very difficult growing up because it wasn't addressed. She didn't believe in therapy and thought that nothing was wrong. Therapy was only for "messed up" people, and she had an extreme stigma about it. There are so many instances of verbal and emotional abuse towards my grandfather, my brother, my mother, and myself. But if you spoke up, it was even worse, you wouldn't dare speak up against it. It was always better to endure it and hope the next day would be better. She was, and still can be, very unpredictable. You'd think everything was dandy, until it wasn't. Things could switch in a moment into a screaming, "you-don't-care-about-me-how-come-no-one-cares-for-me" mess. I never wanted someone to ever go through that, or to feel like they couldn't speak up. I was often the one to speak up, so my grandmother and I would fight often. Hence, the anxiety, people-pleasing, wanting to always keep the peace mindset that I have as an adult. She's always needed help for her mental health, but you can't make someone do something they don't want. If they won't address what's hurting, things can't progress.
My grandfather, my grandmother, my brother, and I tried going to group therapy once. It didn't go well, and was entirely unproductive in creating any change. The time was spent with my grandmother asking why she was always the bad guy and how no one ever talked about how they hurt her, and essentially made for a bad time for awhile at home. I did go to counseling in school for awhile, but it was in a group setting so it wasn't as exclusive as going to one-on-one therapy. As a teenager, I did got to therapy for a little bit, but I stopped going because my therapists kept leaving for other practices. And I felt like I was "fine". Plus, what good does it do when you live somewhere that's always stressful and you feel like you can't really talk about your feelings anyways? I didn't want that for my life, ever. I knew that I wanted to be different. I was always sad as a kid that I didn't live with my parents. I never had an answer when people asked me why I didn't live with them, honestly I still am not sure completely why I didn't and I'll be 29 this year .
My mother ended up having a drug addiction problem when I was in sixth grade. My mother is also bipolar, although I don't know exactly when this was discovered. My grandmother hated my dad, for whatever reason. So I just had no pull in my desire to want to live with a parent. My mother had always been around, and she lived with us and my grandparents at times. I saw my dad on the weekends and holidays. In the beginning of her addiction, my grandparents got emergency custody of my brother Jacob. So now they were raising three kids. When my mother made the decision to get clean from heroin, I was about 11 (I think, not sure of my exact age). I loved her so much, and I'll always remember driving down the road with her one day as she was crying and saying "I love you, you know I do, right?" I was the one sitting with her in the bathroom while she went through withdrawal. It was hard to see my mother so sick. I stayed by her side and slept in the same room as her at night because I was so happy she was back home. I also went to NA and AA meetings with her. I liked the cookies and snacks they'd have. I really had no business being around so much adult information at my age, but as I see it I was the support in my mother's recovery, because everyone else was just mad at her. Naturally, it makes sense that as an adult my mother uses me as support often. She's better now and has been clean for over 10 years.
Eventually, I did get the chance to live with my father and my step-mom the summer before seventh grade. For whatever reason, my grandmother had a moment and agreed to let me live with them. I was ecstatic! I remember hopping onto the computer and instant messaging my step-mom on AIM. I lived with them from the beginning of seventh grade to halfway through my freshman year of high school. Living there was such a change from what I was used to; more routine and structure, more "normalcy". I moved back in with my grandparents halfway through my freshman year of high school. Around that time is when my father was really starting to struggle with his mental health (that I know of). There was one night I remember he got so angry that my step-mom and I went in the basement with our dog. He'd torn off the keyboard holder from the computer desk, ripped the sliding door off the track, and threw the board into the pool. He wasn't going to hurt us and I think we knew that, but he was just SO aggressively upset. I remember he left and that night I woke up to the sound of him crying in the bathroom pleading to God. He got diagnosed bipolar around that time. I didn't leave because he was struggling, but because I felt like me being there was too stressful and I missed being with my grandparents. Things were still the same when I moved back in, it's like I never left. I think part of me is always going to feel guilty for leaving my brothers there, even though getting out made such a change in me.
I met a junior boy, C is what we will call him, when I moved back. He was my second boyfriend. I'd only dated one person when I lived in Leominster, and it wasn't for long. I didn't really know much about dating, or sex, or how any of it worked really. I feel like I just figured out a lot of it on my own, leading to many poor decisions. Part of the issue is that my grandmother believed that any talk of sex, birth control, or even asking to be on birth control would automatically lead to pregnancy. And most of what I saw growing up was not-so-healthy relationships. C broke up with me shortly after I made the decision to have sex with him, through a note, passing me in the hallway to lunch. One of my first poor decisions, and it got worse because my grandmother found out about it and threatened to bring him to court for statutory rape. For whatever reason I thought that having sex with someone meant love. I don't know where I came up with that, but it was what I thought mattered. And I also couldn't stand to be alone, I somehow put all my worth in being with someone else.
A few boyfriends later, I met P at a little music release basement party for a mutual friend. We were a hit instantly, and I completely ignored all of my friends when they told me the next morning to not get involved with him. Another poor decision. We became boyfriend and girlfriend. I was with him for 3 years almost. We smoked a lot of pot, he skipped a lot of college, he would call out of work to stay with me. My grandmother would call me out sick from school so I could spend a week with him at his dorm in Boston. He practically lived at my grandparent's house with me at one point. It was very toxic. We were very clingy to one another and I had no freedom. I couldn't even really hang out with my friends if he wasn't there too. He didn't like when I colored my hair without asking. One time, I dyed it black without asking and he screamed at me for a good hour through the phone. My friend that was with me had to answer the phone at one point and tell him to stop calling. All my worth and who I was was determined by him. I wanted to stretch my ears but didn't because he got upset and told me that I only wanted to do that so I could fuck his friends. He was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive, narcissistic if you will. And he needed help with mental health, yet another non-believer of therapy in my life, and meds would just make you a zombie so forget that.
When I got to college, P had failed out of New England Institute of Art and ended up at The Mount with me. This was problematic. We had a lot of the same classes and friends. I ended up getting very close to another guy, A, who showed interest in me being who I wanted. I remember being told by A that I was being treated like property. I wasn't happy with P anymore, but I didn't know how to leave. I ended up cheating, which is absolutely against my morals. P found out because A was angry I wouldn't leave P and told him everything. It was a nasty breakup and there was a lot of fighting. We had all the same friends and so there was some division and tension. I failed out of college because I skipped classes so I wouldn't have to see him. But even after the breakup, P found a way to always be involved in my business.
While I was dating P, I stopped talking to my father for about a year. My father was trying to look out for me in a particular circumstance and went to P's house on his lunch one day to talk with him. I was a dumb teenager so I chose my boyfriend over my father. During that year my father tried to commit suicide. I only found out because of someone anonymous on the internet. My father did not succeed and is much better these days.
After P, I had a lot of small relationships. I was trying to find myself and who I wanted to be. I stretched my ears. I went to a lot of shows, and I did get to live with my mother by the way, when I turned 18. Things were hard and she didn't exactly like who I was. A lot of criticism for my boyfriends, who I dated, who my friends were. Because I was already an adult, her trying to parent me didn't exactly mesh. I smoked a pack of cigarettes a day. I was very stressed all the time. I lost my best friend after P, but I also was so caught up in myself I didn't see how awful of a friend I was. She even ended up dating P for a few years, and that was very hard for me. I never took accountability. I was an anxious mess, that couldn't just be by herself. A lot of my relationships felt like I was a "light" for the other person who was looking to fill a void or get over someone else. And even knowing that so many times, I'd just stay sometimes because I was "needed".
Eventually, I would meet my now husband Joe a year (roughly) after P. Joe and I were best friends first. We knew each other first, and hung out as friends first. He would drive from Dracut to Athol almost every day, that's like 2 hours just to get to me, then 2 hours home. We would sit in my room and watch Friend Zone on MTV (how fitting, right?) One day we found ourselves just casually holding hands. This was new for me. I didn't see it coming. Our relationship crept up and blossomed instead of my usual just jumping into a relationship. Joe was the only one to ever stand up to P and tell him he didn't have a place in my life anymore. The only person where I never doubted if I was just filling a void from someone else. Joe cared about my interests and what I enjoyed, and has continued to throughout our 9 year relationship. He showed me what being valued as myself was like. This is love. And I am grateful, because he gives me space to figure out who I am and change if I feel like it.
The lesson from this is that I finally learned that I was enough as me. I didn't have to try to be anyone's ex, I didn't have to try to be anyone but myself. I learned that I had value as a person, and that I could be who I wanted, because I WANTED to be that person. I could be a light in someone's life, without putting out my own light. I learned that my body was not the only thing someone should want in a relationship, and that sex does not mean love. And most importantly, I learned that I didn't need to fill a void in someone, or try to have someone to fill a void in myself. Things don't work that way. You cannot fix a person, you can only be there for them. As far as mental health goes, my intention was always to break the cycle and take care of myself. I knew it from very early in my life. I mentioned that I stopped going to therapy for awhile. Two years ago I did start going to counseling again. After having our second child, I realized that I was really struggling and things were getting hard, I felt like I was falling apart inside. I couldn't cope strictly by myself. Last year I was diagnosed as bipolar 2. My counselor knew a bit sooner than when he told me, but I respect his reasoning. When he diagnosed me, he said that he did not tell me right away when he knew, because he knew that I would have been devastated, since he knew I did not want to be like my family. But I am not like my family. I love my family, and they are not bad people, they just needed help. I am the change in the cycle. I wanted better and I am creating better. I want my children to know stability and that mental health is as important as physical health. I am still working at being better every day, I will always have to, that's okay. I am open, I am accepting of myself, I know healing isn't linear. In healing, I have learned forgiveness.