Titled "How long had I been gone? How long had I been back? Did it matter?", this series is made up of ten sets of image and text. Each set expresses the 'moment' in which I explore a place in a photograph and then two written descriptions: one by me, considering my mental health, thoughts and feelings, and one by (best friend and accompanying adventurer) Michael with his version of events. The series tracks how photography has changed my interactions with the world, from being isolated to being able to get out and explore.

You can see a few examples of how it was presented here:

Tim van Zundert - How long had I been gone?

Maybe freedom from anxiety can lead to overconfidence though. If people aren't anywhere to be seen, why not do whatever you want and go wherever you want? I stepped out into the A27 and wondered if that gave me some sort of innate strength.

My journey around the country for my degree series took me to many places that didn't make it into the final set.

I made a couple of trips to Cowdray. One shot made it into the show but it was a toss up between this one and that. It was thought by my tutors that too much of the building was shown here and there wasn't enough mystery.

Standing by the strong light felt pretty nerve wracking. In this shot I'm looking directly at the next door houses, hoping no one looks out of their window. So much for hiding in shadow.

Titled "How long had I been gone? How long had I been back? Did it matter?", this series is made up of ten sets of image and text. Each set expresses the 'moment' in which I explore a place in a photograph and then two written descriptions: one by me, considering my mental health, thoughts and feelings, and one by (best friend and accompanying adventurer) Michael with his version of events. The series tracks how photography has changed my interactions with the world, from being isolated to being able to get out and explore.

You can see a few examples of how it was presented here:

Tim van Zundert - How long had I been gone?

If inhabiting the world at night taught me that I could stand in the middle of roads at a whim, why not go to places you just shouldn't? Places that are closed off to the public after dark aren't necessarily closed to those who find their way in. At Cowdray Ruins, we wandered the grounds as if we had every right to be there.

Titled "How long had I been gone? How long had I been back? Did it matter?", this series is made up of ten sets of image and text. Each set expresses the 'moment' in which I explore a place in a photograph and then two written descriptions: one by me, considering my mental health, thoughts and feelings, and one by (best friend and accompanying adventurer) Michael with his version of events. The series tracks how photography has changed my interactions with the world, from being isolated to being able to get out and explore.

You can see a few examples of how it was presented here:

Tim van Zundert - How long had I been gone?

Photography allowed me to slowly move away from total isolation. After dipping my toe into urban areas with car parks - feeling safe up high, able to see everyone else - I started to explore cities. This time, Canary Wharf in London.

Titled "How long had I been gone? How long had I been back? Did it matter?", this series is made up of ten sets of image and text. Each set expresses the 'moment' in which I explore a place in a photograph and then two written descriptions: one by me, considering my mental health, thoughts and feelings, and one by (best friend and accompanying adventurer) Michael with his version of events. The series tracks how photography has changed my interactions with the world, from being isolated to being able to get out and explore.

You can see a few examples of how it was presented here:

Tim van Zundert - How long had I been gone?

Why stop at the ruin of an old house? The draw of adventure and exploration has lead me to attempt access to more interesting and better-defended places. Locked doors, thick tall walls and a moat faced Harlech off at night and yet here we were, inside. Successful attackers taking over the castle for just a moment.

My journey around the country for my degree series took me to many places that didn't make it into the final set.

I took many, many shots at the building site in Shoreham. This was another 'maybe' before I took the one that ended up in the set (one of my favourites that I've ever take). So, unfortunately this didn't make the cut.

My time at the top of the tower was a rush of anxiety, awe and fulfilment. Whilst it was the highest achievement of my photography explorations, I still had to take a shot worthy of my degree. We couldn't avoid security all night and we couldn't say for sure that we would be able to access the site again. It had to be now.

My journey around the country for my degree series took me to many places that didn't make it into the final set.

One such place was the building site in Horsham that I've been to many times. Unfortunately the site in general has slowed right down: most of the larger buildings are now complete and there's little adventure to be found.

Numerous levels of fencing cut off the finished areas of the site from the bits still under construction. Once again here I was, on the wrong site of the gate.

Titled "How long had I been gone? How long had I been back? Did it matter?", this series is made up of ten sets of image and text. Each set expresses the 'moment' in which I explore a place in a photograph and then two written descriptions: one by me, considering my mental health, thoughts and feelings, and one by (best friend and accompanying adventurer) Michael with his version of events. The series tracks how photography has changed my interactions with the world, from being isolated to being able to get out and explore.

You can see a few examples of how it was presented here:

Tim van Zundert - How long had I been gone?

Final in the series. The text for this one can be found on my website. ^^^

The desire to capture a scene that no one else does is a driving force for me. The rush of getting into somewhere you shouldn't be (like a castle) is increased further when exploring somewhere like this: a functioning building site. Finding a way in, subverting security and taking ownership is about as good as it gets.

So, photography allows me to get out of my head and out of my reclusive way of living. Adventure, exploration and conquest lead to some unique and unrepeatable experiences. At the top of this tower, I looked out over the landscape, thinking of my ex and wondering, "How long had I been gone? How long had I been back? Did it matter?"

Titled "How long had I been gone? How long had I been back? Did it matter?", this series is made up of ten sets of image and text. Each set expresses the 'moment' in which I explore a place in a photograph and then two written descriptions: one by me, considering my mental health, thoughts and feelings, and one by (best friend and accompanying adventurer) Michael with his version of events. The series tracks how photography has changed my interactions with the world, from being isolated to being able to get out and explore.

You can see a few examples of how it was presented here:

Tim van Zundert - How long had I been gone?

Another car park. This time in Salford Quays. I found peace in this quieter area but struggled with feeling watched by the nearby flats.

Titled "How long had I been gone? How long had I been back? Did it matter?", this series is made up of ten sets of image and text. Each set expresses the 'moment' in which I explore a place in a photograph and then two written descriptions: one by me, considering my mental health, thoughts and feelings, and one by (best friend and accompanying adventurer) Michael with his version of events. The series tracks how photography has changed my interactions with the world, from being isolated to being able to get out and explore.

You can see a few examples of how it was presented here:

Tim van Zundert - How long had I been gone?

I found most urban areas to be manageable late at night on a weekday. Streets and buildings being empty mean I can go about without the anxiety of people and judgement. Here in Manchester I could stand in the middle of a road and no one would care. That's freeing.

tightrope walker

I'm still struggling day to day with my BPD & anxiety. Its ruining everything & now I feel like me & my bf are on the verge of breaking up :/ I've been playing videogames all night & i'm still lonely. I requested a catalog for college for the New England School Of Photography too. My dad said he thinks i should get a job but why would i get & job, be bored, not be able to talk to anyone. flip out on a daily basis & then quit that job. Uhm yea, i dont think so, I have no job experience whatsoever. & oh, im absolutely sick of having no friends whatsoever. it sucks

Titled "How long had I been gone? How long had I been back? Did it matter?", this series is made up of ten sets of image and text. Each set expresses the 'moment' in which I explore a place in a photograph and then two written descriptions: one by me, considering my mental health, thoughts and feelings, and one by (best friend and accompanying adventurer) Michael with his version of events. The series tracks how photography has changed my interactions with the world, from being isolated to being able to get out and explore.

You can see a few examples of how it was presented here:

Tim van Zundert - How long had I been gone?

But then, why stop at old, ruined castles? This abandoned and derelict building site rises above the coastline of the Isle of Portland. These adventures and night explorations were beginning to give me an inflated ego. Why shouldn't I go wherever I want, whenever I want? I am owed the experience. Spending hours avoiding a security guard perhaps dampened that negative thinking.

i'm no fucking buddhist

but this is enlightenment

Having shared the photographs from my journey around the country for my final degree exhibition, I now present the photographs in the completed series.

Titled "How long had I been gone? How long had I been back? Did it matter?", the series is made up of ten sets of image and text. Each set expresses the 'moment' when I explore and photograph a place and then two written descriptions: one by me, considering my mental health, thoughts and feelings, and one by (best friend and accompanying adventurer) Michael with his version of events. The series tracks how photography has changed my interactions with the world, from being isolated to being able to get out and explore.

You can see a few examples of how it was presented here:

Tim van Zundert - How long had I been gone?

I won't include the text as it's very long and not many people would bother to read it. This shot represents my emotional state when I bought my first camera. I stand here, in front of my exes house, wondering "how long had I been gone?"

"I love you so much. Don't you love me anymore?"

Today it is 6 years since my ex split up with me. I've never bounced back from it- missing some element of the average person who is able to move on or learn to deal with the loss. To this day, when I think about that relationship, how I was during it and how it all ended, it's as if I was right back in that moment. The dread, the despair, it's as if no time has passed at all.

It's a period of my life that has gone on to define my daily existence and I'm not sure I'll ever be able to move on.

Until the next anniversary, then.

[Self portrait, two combined exposures using LED light]

-

Facebook :: Twitter :: Website

February 9, 2011

A-Z through the DSM IVr

B: Borderline Personality Disorder

Borderline personality disorder (BPD) is a personality disorder described as a prolonged disturbance of personality function in a person (generally over the age of eighteen years, although it is also found in adolescents), characterized by depth and variability of moods. The disorder typically involves unusual levels of instability in mood; black and white thinking, or splitting; the disorder often manifests itself in idealization and devaluation episodes, as well as chaotic and unstable interpersonal relationships, self-image, identity, and behavior; as well as a disturbance in the individual's sense of self. In extreme cases, this disturbance in the sense of self can lead to periods of dissociation.

Suicidal or self-harming behavior is one of the core diagnostic criteria in DSM IV-TR, and management of and recovery from this can be complex and challenging. The suicide rate is approximately 8 to 10 percent. Self-injury attempts are highly common among patients and may or may not be carried out with suicidal intent. BPD is often characterized by multiple low-lethality suicide attempts triggered by seemingly minor incidents, and less commonly by high-lethality attempts that are attributed to impulsiveness or comorbid major depression, with interpersonal stressors appearing to be particularly common triggers. Ongoing family interactions and associated vulnerabilities can lead to self-destructive behavior. Stressful life events related to sexual abuse have been found to be a particular trigger for suicide attempts by adolescents with a BPD diagnosis.

Well this is only kind of my idea..my idea was much cooler but I was struggling to make it work. I took a good 60 pics last night but they didn't turn out and I was too tired to reshoot so I'm now two days in the hole :-P but that's alright, I figure I deserve to have a less strict 365 because my pics aren't just 10 minutes of shooting, 10 minutes of editing, and walla...these puppies take hours lol

So a personal update: I went to see the counselor yesterday and after talking with her for an hour and a half I was suddenly filled with motivation...I feel so empowered. I actually declared a major today which is still kinda bizarre to me. I am now a psychology major. I'm also looking into school in Sacramento so I can be 30-60 minutes from Garry as opposed to 2,500 miles lol so we're SO filled with hope that this long distance is coming to an end. I also plan on telling my mom about my engagement (finally). I'm going to write her a letter then either read it on the phone or wait until spring break and read it to her then. It's going to drive me insane but I NEED to do it...her not knowing is holding me back and it's eating away at me slowly. No matter what her reaction may be, I will move on and learn to deal with it...this is my life now...mine. I'm 20 years old and while I may be naive, insecure, and young I'm NOT stupid and immature.

I feel so refreshed...like this is the beginning of something wonderful :)

Todays Meme:

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.

They ostracized me. I ran.

They ridiculed me. I cried.

They forgot about me. I fought.

They pushed me away. I died.

I spend most of my days reflecting on them.

I spend most of my days searching inside.

I retreat to that place. Where it's unharmed and pure.

I retreat to the inside. Where only I can be sure.

Christiaan Tonnis : Female Warrior # 17 "Cutting Edge of Will" | 11.7 x 16.5 inches | Graphite pencil on paper | Weiblicher Krieger # 17 "Klinge des Willens" | Bleistift auf Papier | 29,6 x 42 cm | 1992

I am. I have. I.

I am

I am Joe.

I am an American citizen. I am 33 years old. I am 6 feet tall. I am 195 pounds. I am a man. I am a husband. I am a father. I am an art director. I am a creative director. I am an artist. I am educated. I am alive. I am happy. I am sad. I am anxious. I am depressed. I am borderline. I am an insomniac. I am unsatisfied. I am empty. I am scared. I am alone.

I have

I have a job. I have a home. I have a wife. I have two daughters. I have allergies. I have stuff. I have money. I have debt. I have friends. I have colleagues. I have enemies I have a mentally challenging condition. I have hard days. I have easy days. I have frustration. I have anger. I have rage. I have life,

I

I hurt. I love. I bleed. I grieve.

I ache. I smile. I laugh. I play.

I smell. I see. I hear. I breathe.

I feel. I care. I hope. I need.

I talk. I walk. I listen. I read.

I watch. I touch. I run. I lead.

I sit. I stand. I kneel. I lie.

I wake. I try. I fall. I sleep.

I am Joe. This is me...

The above is a psychotherapy exercise that I was given by my therapist last week. The assignment is to describe yourself in about a page. The catch is that you cannot use any adjectives or things that can be disputed or judged in the description. You can't say you are tall. You have to say how tall you are. The exercise came out of a conversation about judging and feeling judged. By staying in the realm of what is real and true, we can get away from judgment a bit easier. An exercise that is a baby step to a healthier end...

For Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month.

Society needs those who are different. It needs those who are suffering. It needs those who are brokenly fumbling for answers. When it denies that such people are human, it denies its own humanity.

Not to say that there aren't many other forms of evil that corrode humanity, such as greed and rage. But when I think of all the darkness that has been brought to the world through prejudice, I realize anew how unacceptable it is. I'm also not claiming that mentally ill people don't make mistakes. But it seems to me that being flawed simply puts them on the same level as any other human being.

To learn more about BPD, see this page on my tumblr.

EDIT: Unfortunately I've had to stop working on this series, at least for the time being, but I hope I can make the remaining 13 at some point, even if it’s after May’s over. Please still feel free to pass along ideas via FlickrMail.

i want to be different. i want to stop everything. i want to start over.

i want to be born tomorrow, to a different name and a different life.

i don't want to be let down anymore. i can't give so much. stop giving. stop. stop. stop.

stop thinking that everyone depends on me. stop depending on everyone else. stop putting so much emotion into efforts that are useless. that have always been useless. stop lying to yourself that it is something more than it is. that someone can ever love you as much as you love them. stop being so scary.

i am the reason that everything i have ever loved is gone. is nowhere near me. runs as fast as they can from the mention of my name.

i think i am a survivor.

i'm not.

i am weak. so weak.

any tiny gust of wind that pushes me in one direction will destroy me.

i am not strong. i am just killing time.

running until i reach the end,

running so fast that i never really comprehend what is actually happening.

i don't want to know.

because i know as soon as i find out it won't be worth the race.

i won't want to run

and i won't be able to exist anymore.

i am so tired of myself

i can't even stand to be in the same room as the girl i grew up with. the girl who played with tiny plastic animals in her closet. the same one that cherished every moment away from the human race. i have to leave the tv on, very quietly, so i can hear the voices of other people. so i feel like i have someone that wants to be around me. i hate all of my behaviors, the little things that i do, the way i talk, the way i approach people, the way i am completely avoidant of problems.

above all, i hate feeling alone. but i am. so alone. everyone is, but some people have a small support system. it is a small interwoven network of fingers, folded together, that hold them up. even though that is all there is, knowing that those three bones are there is enough.

i hate everything about myself. the redeeming qualities i have constantly reassured myself are there, aren't. nothing is. all that is there is a hole that was never filled in. it's too deep to ever be. it won't ever reach the top. besides, flat surfaces have never been good enough for me. it's either too low or too high.

i am so worn out on existing. i am exhausted with life. i am 22 years old, and i just can't move anymore.

maybe if i hadn't been born running, i wouldn't be so tired.

Do you ever feel like your taking too many pills? Even in most of them are natural supplements? These are all mine :/

In case your counting there are 19 bottles there. That I take almost every day. Several times a day for most of them. In all fairness, 3 of the red prescription bottles I don't necessarily take every day. One I just don't want to unless I need to, and the other two are as needed. And one of the natural ones in the back I don't take every day either... it's meant to be only on certain days of the month. That still leaves 15 I take everyday, and I don't feel adding up how many per day.

If your jealous of my pretty red prescription bottles they are the cool bottles that Target Pharmacy dispenses their scripts in. My band color is yellow. My sons is green. They put different bands on for each member of the household. Pretty smart of them.

Wondering what's all there? I think I need to list it so if I am every hospitalized the nurse can look up this picture online and get the list, because I certainly can't remember them all. I am too busy taking them...

They are prescribed / used for many reasons. I am tagging more then what is wrong with me. The supplements came from a holistic doctor that is trying to fix my deficiencies and sensitivities / allergies.

In due time hopefully bottles prescription and supplements will be taken away.....

Ok the list:

Kavinase

Life Guard Multi-vitamin

Mega Fish Oil

Potent C (nasty to drink)

Bio D Forte

MSM (supposed to help my chronic pain)

VSL #3 (I like this one.. it has 225 BILLION live bacteria in each pill. Thats aways a good thing to know the little critters are there fixin your insides)

Selenium (This and Bio D Forte are drops, and they don't taste like candy anymore then the Potent C does)

GABA

Iodoral

Natures Throid 1 Gram

Progon B

Beta TCP

Oxcabazepin (Trileptal)

Seroquel 25 and 300

Fluoxetine (Prozac)

Lorazapam (Ativan)

Adderall (this is the one I don't take everyday thought I am supposed to)

self portrait ...photoshop. ..not makeup...brush tool...

The stripes are from the actual pohoto...me sitting next to the window blinds.

I always feel like a clown in life...wearing a facade...and its not always a good one nor pretty one. This is a sinister clown above. Me inside

Taken in 2009, and not at the heaviest weight I wound up being ...

this is around 195 pounds at 5 '5" tall.

Part of my self-portrait series on personality disorders. These photos are depicting Borderline Personality Disorder.

The DSM-IV-TR criteria for BPD are:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.

8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

These photos are heavily focused on the emotional sensitivity, instability and insecurity and the frantic attempts to avoid abandonment paired with patterns of threatened or performed self-harming behaviors. These photos are a deliberate exaggeration of these symptoms and are not meant to stigmatize individuals with BPD.

Individuals with BPD tend to form very intense and unstable relationships with others. In these photos, my character, in the midst of a very dramatic emotional episode involving her significant other, is blocking the door threatening to harm or deface herself (by cutting off a chunk of her hair) in a frantic attempt to keep him from leaving her.

A variety of emotions are portrayed in this set, indicating fear, desperation, insecurity, self-hatred, and intense and extreme emotions towards the other person. Others indicate more of an overt, deliberately manipulative motive.

For more information about BPD, go to:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#DSM...

Once I have completed a set of self-portraits for each personality disorder, only one of these will be chosen for the final set when I can more easily determine which photos fit the best in relation to the others.

I've been sitting here trying to come up with a description that wasn't a 10 page essay... long story short.. my eldest daughter who is nearly 18 has been spending some time in a private psychiatric hospital for the past week.. this is one of her 'Art Therapy' drawings... and as much as it breaks my heart to see these images from her.. I also find them all so very creative ...

My character in this photo is deliberately manipulating her significant other by essentially saying, "Don't you dare leave, you know what the consequences are." Individuals with BPD are often described as deliberately manipulative, and many of them are quite good at it, but it is more of a reflection of extreme insecurity and anxiety about being rejected or abandoned.

Part of my self-portrait series on personality disorders. These photos are depicting Borderline Personality Disorder.

The DSM-IV-TR criteria for BPD are:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.

8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

These photos are heavily focused on the emotional sensitivity, instability and insecurity and the frantic attempts to avoid abandonment paired with patterns of threatened or performed self-harming behaviors. These photos are a deliberate exaggeration of these symptoms and are not meant to stigmatize individuals with BPD.

Individuals with BPD tend to form very intense and unstable relationships with others. In these photos, my character, in the midst of a very dramatic emotional episode involving her significant other, is blocking the door threatening to harm or deface herself (by cutting off a chunk of her hair) in a frantic attempt to keep him from leaving her.

A variety of emotions are portrayed in this set, indicating fear, desperation, insecurity, self-hatred, and intense and extreme emotions towards the other person. Others indicate more of an overt, deliberately manipulative motive.

For more information about BPD, go to:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#DSM...

Once I have completed a set of self-portraits for each personality disorder, only one of these will be chosen for the final set when I can more easily determine which photos fit the best in relation to the others.

Bloomin' Heck Productions is a mother and daughter collaboration to produce their first performance piece Conversation with Marilyn, October 13-14, at the King's Arms in Salford.

Mum, Kim Haley from Bolton, is fulfilling an ambition to tackle her quiet obsession on the subject of the enigmatic Monroe, and daughter, Nathalie, is more than happy to oblige. Beneath the veneer of icon worship is the darker subject of mental illness, and how we all view it.

Having grown up on the 1950s and 1960s diet of pre and post war Hollywood films, Kim was meanwhile unaware of her own mothers' unacknowledged borderline personality disorder.

Researching Marilyn's life was an enlightening experience as she slowly became aware of behavioural similarities between the actress and her mother.

As benefactress of this entwined relationship on many levels, Nathalie is keen to interpret and express her own version of Marilyn, her fights, her problems and how they relate to us all....including herself.

For more details and tickets www.greatermanchesterfringe.co.uk

Bloomin' Heck Productions is a mother and daughter collaboration to produce their first performance piece Conversation with Marilyn, October 13-14, at the King's Arms in Salford.

Mum, Kim Haley from Bolton, is fulfilling an ambition to tackle her quiet obsession on the subject of the enigmatic Monroe, and daughter, Nathalie, is more than happy to oblige. Beneath the veneer of icon worship is the darker subject of mental illness, and how we all view it.

Having grown up on the 1950s and 1960s diet of pre and post war Hollywood films, Kim was meanwhile unaware of her own mothers' unacknowledged borderline personality disorder.

Researching Marilyn's life was an enlightening experience as she slowly became aware of behavioural similarities between the actress and her mother.

As benefactress of this entwined relationship on many levels, Nathalie is keen to interpret and express her own version of Marilyn, her fights, her problems and how they relate to us all....including herself.

For more details and tickets www.greatermanchesterfringe.co.uk

Christiaan Tonnis : Female Warrior # 14 "Extinction" | Self-harm # 1 | 13.6 x 18.5 inches | Graphite pencils and colored pencils on paper | 1981 | Property of "Kunstverein Familie Montez" since December 2010 | Weiblicher Krieger # 14 "Auslöschung" | Selbstverletzung # 2 | 33,7 x 46,8 cm Bleistift und Farbstift auf Papier | 1981 | Im Besitz des "Kunstverein Familie Montez" seit Dezember 2010

Day 5 of Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month.

Anyone who's been close to someone with BPD is aware that one of the major symptoms is a powerful fear of abandonment. As Wikipedia's article on BPD puts it, people with the illness will make "frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment." This symptom shows itself at some times more than others; when the BPD is at its worst, the person is hypersensitive to anything that could be considered a negative signal coming from someone else, and becomes lost in speculating and constructing theories, theories which are often far from reality. When experiencing a breakup or the loss of a friendship, they may end up begging and pleading with the person not to leave them.

People who don't have BPD are often disturbed when they witness such extreme behavior; what I've tried to do is illustrate the experience from the point of view of the person with the illness, in the hopes that it may make this pattern of behavior less mysterious. When a person is drowning or in some other sort of physical danger, they are operating on instinct, fighting to stay alive. Similarly, when a person with BPD is tossed up and down in a sea of extreme emotion and identity confusion, the thought of losing a lifeline is terrifying. I also want to note that, with the help of therapy and/or meds, people with BPD have been shown to be able to overcome this tendency.

to learn more about BPD, see this page on my tumblr:

prettyparadoxical.tumblr.com/bandw

a huge thanks to LostandTaken.com for all the textures I've used.

(you'll have to pardon me if the figure of the girl is woefully disproportionate, I am not skilled at drawing people haha.)

Vessal as a metaphor for childhood disorders and traumas.

This Sculpture decribes Borderline Personality Disorder. The toy wolf displays rage and anger, encircling the vessal. Is the wolf protector? Or is it a threat to what lies within?

Sold to Sterns Bookstore in Chicago IL Dec 2007

Part of my self-portrait series on personality disorders. These photos are depicting Borderline Personality Disorder.

The DSM-IV-TR criteria for BPD are:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.

8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

These photos are heavily focused on the emotional sensitivity, instability and insecurity and the frantic attempts to avoid abandonment paired with patterns of threatened or performed self-harming behaviors. These photos are a deliberate exaggeration of these symptoms and are not meant to stigmatize individuals with BPD.

Individuals with BPD tend to form very intense and unstable relationships with others. In these photos, my character, in the midst of a very dramatic emotional episode involving her significant other, is blocking the door threatening to harm or deface herself (by cutting off a chunk of her hair) in a frantic attempt to keep him from leaving her.

A variety of emotions are portrayed in this set, indicating fear, desperation, insecurity, self-hatred, and intense and extreme emotions towards the other person. Others indicate more of an overt, deliberately manipulative motive.

For more information about BPD, go to:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#DSM...

Once I have completed a set of self-portraits for each personality disorder, only one of these will be chosen for the final set when I can more easily determine which photos fit the best in relation to the others.

For Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month.

Another artwork directed at those who have BPD. Struggling with relationships is part of life when you have this illness (see day 5 and day 13) so I really wanted to make something that emphasized how important I think it is to fight the urge to become over-dependant on someone else. Don't misunderstand me--I'm not saying it's bad to get professional help for BPD. That's a very good thing to do. What I'm talking about is being in a co-dependent relationship, whether it's with a counselor, friend, or significant other. Such relationships can sometimes be salvaged, but there's no denying it's painful to break a pattern of over-dependency, so an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. However I'm not saying people should beat up on themselves for struggling with it--I think struggling with it is part of having BPD, and it takes time and effort to build healthier patterns. The most important thing is being honest with oneself about the struggle.

To me, it's like running in a race. Trying to run three-legged style will slow you down, perhaps even cause you both to fall and get hurt. Running the race is difficult enough--the last thing I need is to do something that will slow me down. My counselor and my friends cheer me on from the stands, and my counselor helps to make sure I have what I need to keep running the race. But I'm the one who has to do the actual running. No one can do it for me. And every time I believe otherwise, I'm failing to give myself the self-respect I ought to.

To learn more about BPD, see this page on my tumblr.

the textures I used are from LostandTaken.com.

Desperation, insecurity, resorting to extremes.

Part of my self-portrait series on personality disorders. These photos are depicting Borderline Personality Disorder.

The DSM-IV-TR criteria for BPD are:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.

8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

These photos are heavily focused on the emotional sensitivity, instability and insecurity and the frantic attempts to avoid abandonment paired with patterns of threatened or performed self-harming behaviors. These photos are a deliberate exaggeration of these symptoms and are not meant to stigmatize individuals with BPD.

Individuals with BPD tend to form very intense and unstable relationships with others. In these photos, my character, in the midst of a very dramatic emotional episode involving her significant other, is blocking the door threatening to harm or deface herself (by cutting off a chunk of her hair) in a frantic attempt to keep him from leaving her.

A variety of emotions are portrayed in this set, indicating fear, desperation, insecurity, self-hatred, and intense and extreme emotions towards the other person. Others indicate more of an overt, deliberately manipulative motive.

For more information about BPD, go to:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#DSM...

Once I have completed a set of self-portraits for each personality disorder, only one of these will be chosen for the final set when I can more easily determine which photos fit the best in relation to the others.

In this photo, my character is exhibiting the classic sign of "external locus of control". She is transferring her self-hatred onto her significant other, blaming him for what has gone wrong. Yet she is simultaneously blocking the door so he can't leave. This photo is an attempt to visually manifest the classic phrase for BPD, "I hate you, don't leave me".

Part of my self-portrait series on personality disorders. These photos are depicting Borderline Personality Disorder.

The DSM-IV-TR criteria for BPD are:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.

8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

These photos are heavily focused on the emotional sensitivity, instability and insecurity and the frantic attempts to avoid abandonment paired with patterns of threatened or performed self-harming behaviors. These photos are a deliberate exaggeration of these symptoms and are not meant to stigmatize individuals with BPD.

Individuals with BPD tend to form very intense and unstable relationships with others. In these photos, my character, in the midst of a very dramatic emotional episode involving her significant other, is blocking the door threatening to harm or deface herself (by cutting off a chunk of her hair) in a frantic attempt to keep him from leaving her.

A variety of emotions are portrayed in this set, indicating fear, desperation, insecurity, self-hatred, and intense and extreme emotions towards the other person. Others indicate more of an overt, deliberately manipulative motive.

For more information about BPD, go to:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#DSM...

Once I have completed a set of self-portraits for each personality disorder, only one of these will be chosen for the final set when I can more easily determine which photos fit the best in relation to the others.

She has come to the last resort to avoid abandonment. Her face says, "I don't know what else to do, I've lost all control."

Part of my self-portrait series on personality disorders. These photos are depicting Borderline Personality Disorder.

The DSM-IV-TR criteria for BPD are:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.

8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

These photos are heavily focused on the emotional sensitivity, instability and insecurity and the frantic attempts to avoid abandonment paired with patterns of threatened or performed self-harming behaviors. These photos are a deliberate exaggeration of these symptoms and are not meant to stigmatize individuals with BPD.

Individuals with BPD tend to form very intense and unstable relationships with others. In these photos, my character, in the midst of a very dramatic emotional episode involving her significant other, is blocking the door threatening to harm or deface herself (by cutting off a chunk of her hair) in a frantic attempt to keep him from leaving her.

A variety of emotions are portrayed in this set, indicating fear, desperation, insecurity, self-hatred, and intense and extreme emotions towards the other person. Others indicate more of an overt, deliberately manipulative motive.

For more information about BPD, go to:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#DSM...

Once I have completed a set of self-portraits for each personality disorder, only one of these will be chosen for the final set when I can more easily determine which photos fit the best in relation to the others.

This photo also shows more of the vulnerable and helpless side of my character but still includes the self-harm threat. She appears extremely desperate and empty here, trying to hold on to whatever control she still has by going to drastic measures to avoid abandonment.

Part of my self-portrait series on personality disorders. These photos are depicting Borderline Personality Disorder.

The DSM-IV-TR criteria for BPD are:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.

8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

These photos are heavily focused on the emotional sensitivity, instability and insecurity and the frantic attempts to avoid abandonment paired with patterns of threatened or performed self-harming behaviors. These photos are a deliberate exaggeration of these symptoms and are not meant to stigmatize individuals with BPD.

Individuals with BPD tend to form very intense and unstable relationships with others. In these photos, my character, in the midst of a very dramatic emotional episode involving her significant other, is blocking the door threatening to harm or deface herself (by cutting off a chunk of her hair) in a frantic attempt to keep him from leaving her.

A variety of emotions are portrayed in this set, indicating fear, desperation, insecurity, self-hatred, and intense and extreme emotions towards the other person. Others indicate more of an overt, deliberately manipulative motive.

For more information about BPD, go to:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#DSM...

Once I have completed a set of self-portraits for each personality disorder, only one of these will be chosen for the final set when I can more easily determine which photos fit the best in relation to the others.

This photo shows more of the vulnerable and helpless side of my character. It is lacking the threatening edge of some of the others and is highlighting the aspect of intense mood swings from extremely angry and vindictive to apologetic and desperate. Here, I am simply saying, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to say those things. You're the only thing I have in this world, please don't leave me!"

Part of my self-portrait series on personality disorders. These photos are depicting Borderline Personality Disorder.

The DSM-IV-TR criteria for BPD are:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.

8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

These photos are heavily focused on the emotional sensitivity, instability and insecurity and the frantic attempts to avoid abandonment paired with patterns of threatened or performed self-harming behaviors. These photos are a deliberate exaggeration of these symptoms and are not meant to stigmatize individuals with BPD.

Individuals with BPD tend to form very intense and unstable relationships with others. In these photos, my character, in the midst of a very dramatic emotional episode involving her significant other, is blocking the door threatening to harm or deface herself (by cutting off a chunk of her hair) in a frantic attempt to keep him from leaving her.

A variety of emotions are portrayed in this set, indicating fear, desperation, insecurity, self-hatred, and intense and extreme emotions towards the other person. Others indicate more of an overt, deliberately manipulative motive.

For more information about BPD, go to:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#DSM...

Once I have completed a set of self-portraits for each personality disorder, only one of these will be chosen for the final set when I can more easily determine which photos fit the best in relation to the others.

It's not what you think...I was sober. I am multiple with 17 personalities. Now you get it?

Here, my character's facial expression shows mostly desperation and an intense fear. One can tell that she doesn't really want to stab herself in the neck with a knife, and that she's hoping that the threat will simply be enough to convince her significant other to stay.

Part of my self-portrait series on personality disorders. These photos are depicting Borderline Personality Disorder.

The DSM-IV-TR criteria for BPD are:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.

8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

These photos are heavily focused on the emotional sensitivity, instability and insecurity and the frantic attempts to avoid abandonment paired with patterns of threatened or performed self-harming behaviors. These photos are a deliberate exaggeration of these symptoms and are not meant to stigmatize individuals with BPD.

Individuals with BPD tend to form very intense and unstable relationships with others. In these photos, my character, in the midst of a very dramatic emotional episode involving her significant other, is blocking the door threatening to harm or deface herself (by cutting off a chunk of her hair) in a frantic attempt to keep him from leaving her.

A variety of emotions are portrayed in this set, indicating fear, desperation, insecurity, self-hatred, and intense and extreme emotions towards the other person. Others indicate more of an overt, deliberately manipulative motive.

For more information about BPD, go to:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#DSM...

Once I have completed a set of self-portraits for each personality disorder, only one of these will be chosen for the final set when I can more easily determine which photos fit the best in relation to the others.

This photo is simultaneously conveying hatred towards the other person and towards self.

Part of my self-portrait series on personality disorders. These photos are depicting Borderline Personality Disorder.

The DSM-IV-TR criteria for BPD are:

1. Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment.

2. A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging

5. Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, threats or self-injuring behavior such as cutting

6. Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood

7. Chronic feelings of emptiness, worthlessness.

8. Inappropriate anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9. Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation, delusions or severe dissociative symptoms

These photos are heavily focused on the emotional sensitivity, instability and insecurity and the frantic attempts to avoid abandonment paired with patterns of threatened or performed self-harming behaviors. These photos are a deliberate exaggeration of these symptoms and are not meant to stigmatize individuals with BPD.

Individuals with BPD tend to form very intense and unstable relationships with others. In these photos, my character, in the midst of a very dramatic emotional episode involving her significant other, is blocking the door threatening to harm or deface herself (by cutting off a chunk of her hair) in a frantic attempt to keep him from leaving her.

A variety of emotions are portrayed in this set, indicating fear, desperation, insecurity, self-hatred, and intense and extreme emotions towards the other person. Others indicate more of an overt, deliberately manipulative motive.

For more information about BPD, go to:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder#DSM...

Once I have completed a set of self-portraits for each personality disorder, only one of these will be chosen for the final set when I can more easily determine which photos fit the best in relation to the others.