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I really was, then. Hiding who I was..
**Older Self Portrait**
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I never admitted what I was doing. I would never take respectability for my actions, and the repercussions of my actions either. And I wasn't always doing right. I was using drugs, and hanging around people (very close to me) who were doing worse. Even if I didn't partake in the same actions, I still put myself in that category because I was with them.. and supported them as 'family' in everything that they did. I was young and naïve. I feel so sad for that girl. I knew in my heart this was all wrong and that I should run.. but I was addicted to the people and the lifestyle MORE than the drugs.. and I just couldn't stay away. It caused me so much pain and hurt - I look back and wish I would have... but one cannot change the past.
So much as changed since then .. Especially ME. Who I am, as an individual. I do right, no matter what. I've always had RIGHT in my heart, but I didn't always live it. I live by the Lord's word and I do the right thing (even when nobody is looking or will know about it). And it feels right. It's my new "high". And it's amazing.
I'm grateful for who I am today.
___________________
◼ Btw: thank you all for all of your kind words and supportive comments. I know I haven't been updating as much, I've been quite busy! However, I DID in fact come up with an idea for my 52 week.. "paper" subject that I've been stuck on. Thanks to Juan.. So I'm going to work on that when I get a day to do so.
I hope everyone is doing well! I'm off to work, God bless & have a great week!
PS: Taken using my D5000 and my AlienBees 800 Strobist Flash.. (I plan on getting a new one of those soon, I LOVED that flash..)
Favorite
7 in explore
Alienbee B800 above in large softbox boomed out ahead.
Alienbee B400 to the right
Alienbee B400 to the left
The World Renowned Frazier Studio
Elgin, Illinois - Near 42.0109, -88.3477
March 14, 2022
Technical: Alienbees AB1600 in softbox camera right. Triggered by pocketwizard.
COPYRIGHT 2022 by JimFrazier All Rights Reserved. This may NOT be used for ANY reason without written consent from Jim Frazier.
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Five #2 Phillips screwdriver bits, plus one special Anti-Cam-Out bit that came with a box of deck screws. Despite appearing similar, the deck-screw bit is not interchangeable with a conventional Phillips bit.
Shot using my white paper background setup with one Einstein E640 strobe (in color mode) with 7AB/R reflector just above the camera and an AlienBees B800 strobe with shovel reflector and a Lee #119 Dark Blue filter gel behind the paper backdrop.
Happy Easter!
Easter Lily
Lilium longiflorum
The World Renowned Frazier Studio
Elgin, Illinois - Near 42.0109, -88.3477
March 30, 2024
The right hand bud turned into this
COPYRIGHT 2024 by JimFrazier All Rights Reserved. This may NOT be used for ANY reason without written consent from Jim Frazier.
240329kz7-2543-2500
Shot at the University of Washington for the Chamber Dance Company.
depts.washington.edu/uwdance/cdc.html
Dancer - Catherine Cabeen
WL X1600 through 7' octa to camera left
AB800 through 4' octa to camera right and set behind the dancer a little bit.
two Ab800's on background
Triggered w/Pocket Wizards
I was RE-building my website last night [again] - long story. But it's fine. Anyhoo.. I got to see this older self portrait on several occasions.. and I was thinking about how much I love it. I love the lighting. I'm rebuying THIS lighting this month. [Alienbees800]. Gonna start with one.. we'll see what happens lol. I bought some reflectors too, their on their way. However I loved my alienbees lighting unit.. Along with my camera(s). And unfortunately my ex sold them out from under me OR convinced me to pawn them & he'd buy them back (and he did a few times, so why not trust him?) And I eventually lost them. (Brand new hardly used Nikons).
Juan (my now fiance- yes we've been friends for many years), and I remember the time when my ex pawned my brand new camera.. used his ID obviously. So when he went to jail on a warrant and it was time to claim my camera (which was only pawned for $100).. they wouldn't let us get it out. Juan was yelling at them and offered them A LOT of money for it.. (way more than it was worth) and they said, "no, we'll take our chances on ebay". I left crying.. cameraless for the 4th time in the period of a couple years.. That is why if you look at my older profile you'll see all of the different cameras that I had. We made money, so I was able to buy new ones regularly... but he'd either steal them and sell them out from under me.. OR stuff like that would happen. (Horrible memories.)
Today I am so grateful for sobriety. I am so grateful that I'm able to buy stuff for my photography and it'll be there tomorrow (God willing something tragic doesn't happen). But I'm pretty sure that you guys understand what I mean.
When I look at my older photos, they're BEAUTIFUL but they sadden me. I was doing fantastic.. I was working doing photography gigs regularly.. But drugs were involved and my soul wasn't full. If we want to be totally honest, it was broken much of the time. I was feeling very stuck and trapped a lot of the time.. Not only by my ex but by the drugs. If we want to get really honest, he was the worst drug for a very long time. I was addicted to him. I'd do anything for his acceptance, love and attention.. and I'd fight for it daily. I look back at myself and my heart breaks for that woman.. That woman who was blinded by a man. Even more blinded by drugs. Trapped. Broken. And slowly watching my life crumble and knowing this... (People warned me). But I continued because he assured me that everything will be okay. Even after we lost it all (kids included- that's a whole other story) but he kept assuring me that everything was going to be okay as long as we stayed together. I believed him.
He drug me down deeper thru the mud. Literally, we were living under the boardwalk.. in the rain and snow. But I never left his side. People offered me a place to stay, but without him. (They all hated him). And I wouldn't leave his side.. so I stayed outside freezing.
All this I did.. watched my life fall apart and never waivered in my addiction to him. My addictions to drugs changed but always remained. But the addiction to him grew stronger.
When I think back my heart breaks for this woman. She was so blind and naive.. and broken.
That is a big reason why I don't post more of my wonderful photos of myself. (From my 365). Because they trigger so many sad and painful memories. But I don't mind going back sometimes and speaking about it. It's important for other's to hear. So many women AND MEN (and children) are stuck in domestic violence. When you're stuck in a situation like that, often times you'll feel trapped & sad & scared.. but at the same time you feel LOVE so you stay. It may be a false love.. built on all the wrong reasons, but try telling that to a person who's in a domestic violence relationship .. they're blind.. and they'll NEVER hear you.
Sometimes GOD has to intervene. I do believe it was God who did what he did to separate this relationship.. (That's a whole other story for another day).
I would have never had the strength or courage to leave otherwise. I was afraid, I "KNEW" in my heart that I couldn't live without him. I would downright die. (I believed this). I was nothing without him. Wow. That poor poor girl.
I had no idea the beautiful life that lied ahead of me. That happiness and fulfillment.
Juan often says to me, "I wish you would have listened to me.. and come with me. You'd still have your children.. None of that would have happened."
....- But I have to remind him.
>> If I would have tried to leave and go with Juan, Juan and I wouldn't have lasted very long. I wasn't ready to leave my ex. I would have went back to him anyways, and Juan and I wouldn't be where we are today.. In fact, he would probably hate me today. I hurt a lot of people back in those days, trying to escape. The thought of it was so amazing.. Freedom. But I was addicted to my ex.. I always went back.
EVERYTHING had to happen, the exact way that IT DID.. Or the results wouldn't be this way. I know this in my heart to be a fact.
_________________
>I am so grateful.
>>My heart is so full.
>>>But my heart still breaks looking at that girl in those photos.
-I've grown so much.
-I've changed my whole life around.
-I owe it to God.
-I will be eternally grateful.
So yes, today I can look at these photos and admire the model/the lighting/ the equipment I had and lost..
But I don't admire that girl.
My heart breaks for her and all of those like her out there (& there are SO MANY).
>> & All I can do is pray for them.. that maybe God will intervene for those still suffering -the way he did for me.. to break that hold.
I'm just grateful &
Proud of myself.
I guess I'm trying to collect them all, leading here, at night beneath the siggies at 506. So far, so good. I'm sure the clock will soon be ticking on this last multi-track Pennsy signal bridge near the city. This is WBD NS 21Z-12 at CP506, Whiting Indiana with some harmonizing greens to complete the scene.
Self Portrait From 2010.
_________________
My Alienbees Flash was used here, I miss that. *I plan on getting a new one eventually, when I feel like it's the right 'time'.. Right now, I really wouldn't be using it too much, right now- so it's not super important.
___________________
HIDDEN BEAUTY.
What if... a question that we often ask ourselves about the past.
- What if I would have left?
...The reality is I didn't. So, there's that.
What if I realized my worth, back then?
Well.. I didn't, so there's that.
~There is a lot of what if's that I could ponder on, all day.. and drive myself crazy. But I won't, because I've already done that.. and it just hurts.
However, if I would have done all of that.. Who knows what would have happened.. but I do know that I wouldn't be who I am today.. Because I wouldn't have subjected myself to all of that pain.. and learned from it. I wouldn't have experienced what I did.. to make me stronger, wiser & more confident in who I am today..
I did a lot.
I went thru a lot.
I have had so much pain.
But, I'm finding myself.
Building up myself.
And finding true happiness, within myself.
Because, I forgave myself.
& Today, I am trying to find that hidden beauty that I've buried so deep over the years.. and forgot. I'm finally going to exhale.. and stop holding my breath.
I'm finally doing to live.
& No body can ever stop me.. or take away who I am.. ever again.
Because I've found that hidden beauty within myself. I've found the girl that I always longed to be. I've found happiness. I've found forgiveness. & I am going to breathe. Finally..
& It's beautiful.
I thought I was going to pass this week's Macro Mondays theme up, then I realized I had some 35mm film supplies I could press into service.
Shot using my white paper background setup with one Einstein E640 strobe (in color mode) with 7AB/R reflector to the left of camera and an AlienBees B800 strobe with shovel reflector behind the paper backdrop. To add color, I used a Lee 790 Moroccan Pink filter gel on the Einstein strobe and a Lee 106 Primary Red gel on the AlienBees.
Started at #23 (!), then, after a dip to #25, peaked at #20 (!!) on Explore for February 16, 2016. Since my previous (and first) Explore involved a red object, maybe red is my magic Explore color? I am just amazed and gratified by the unexpectedly strong response and thank all to the bottom of my heart (the real one) for your comments and faves.
Also, this shot racked up more views in just four days than my next three most popular shots as of February 19, 2016 combined, each of the three over a span of six years.
Over 50,000 views as of 3/15/2016.
© Tim Johnson - All Rights Reserved
Follow me on Tumblr: tim-johnson.tumblr.com
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View Large WOW, Explore #1 !!
So, I bought a green screen the other day and thought I would try my hand at the chroma key thing. It wasn't too bad, actually pretty easy for the cut-out, but I was still getting a green cast on myself no matter how far away I was. I gave up and shot it and color corrected in CS3. Then, went downtown and took a photo of the alley here in Savannah, GA and did a composite. PP done in CS3.
Strobist: 1x AB1600 in beauty dish high camera right, large reflector camera left for fill, 2x AB800s bare far left/right for rim lighting. 2x Sunpak 433Ds were used bare (cardboad on sides to protect from spill over on me) to illuminate the backdrop. Cactus V2s were used on the Sunpaks and fired the Alien Bees optically.
Set-up shot here.
Members of the Bristol Central High School cheerleaders during the CCC Cheerleading Competition on Saturday at Newington High School.
Strobist: Two AlienBee 800s, 1/2 power bounced off a nasty grey ceiling set off with AB remotes. Never shot one of these before, had no idea what to expect.
Model: loriowens39
Older photo.
Taken with I believe my Nikon D5000 & using my Alienbee\'s Flash.
I love this photo of Lori.
She\'s my cousin (like a sister) & my best friend. We were raised together.. we really are sisters.
I love the way the dress flows here. And how beautiful and relaxed she looks,-possibly thinking about something or someone- while holding the pearl necklace. (That was kind of the idea of the shot..) But we really were just hanging out and having fun with the camera. We always loved doing that. I miss it! :)
She\'s a very talented artist. She makes the nicest works of art.. all kinds of art. I\'ve always been her number one fun, just as she is mine.. with my photos.
I\'m grateful for her. Wish we were able to see each other more.. but life happens lol. I\'m sure you all know. But I miss her!
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Hope everyone had a great weekend, and hope your Monday goes nicely! :)
2 2 2008 Mike Orazzi | The Bristol Press
Members of the Newington High School cheerleaders during the CCC Cheerleading Competition on Saturday at Newington High School.
Strobist: Two AlienBee 800s, 1/2 power bounced off a nasty grey ceiling set off with AB remotes. Never shot one of these before, had no idea what to expect.
Store-bought unrefined sea salt from the island of Noirmoutier, off the Atlantic coast of France.
Illuminated from above with an AlienBees B800 strobe with shovel reflector and a Lee 119 Dark Blue filter gel; from below, an IKEA Jansjö LED table lamp.
Did some more shootin' today. Went to the elementary school near my house and did some basketball shots!
Alienbee B1600 Above into beauty dish
Alienbee B800 to the left on hoop.
Found this little fellow inside my house, so I decided to have a photo shoot :)
This guy was tilting his head every time I extended the lens barrell. Hilarious.
He was freed for his time. :)
Strobist:
AlienBee 400 overhead to right.
Sb-800 with honeycomb grid at camera left.
Sb-600 at back, right for fill.
Strobist info, 4 light setup:
1. Main light: Alienbee B800 w/42" silver PLM front and center on boom arm.
2 & 3. Alienbees B400 over each shoulder with 7" reflector.
4. Canon 430ex firing through 20" softbox on ground front and center.
This is one photo, not a composite.
January 10th, 2010:
Shelby Stingley and I went up to deluse hills to take this photo, at first we found this river bank but the lighting was just horrible. So we saw this place and it turned out to go just right with this shot. We may try something with this technique again later but we will see. This shoot was pretty fun, maybe not for Shelby because she kept falling, but at least I had fun. hahaha!
Thanks again shelby!!
Alienbee b1600 on the right of the photo.(bare) Adobe cs4.
Noting better than JDM accessories....
Shot w/ the D2x w/ 80-200mm 2.8 lighting AlienBees Cyber syncs (CST 3xCSRB).
In 2008, Ottawa Senators Captain Daniel Alfredsson became the celebrity face of the Royal Ottawa Foundation of Mental Health’s “You Know Who I Am” campaign, aimed at easing the stigma of mental illness, because of his sisters struggles with mental health.
Since then, much progress has been gained in having an open dialogue for this once misunderstood illness.
It was pushed even further into the spotlight when on November 12th, 2010, Daron Richardson took her own life. She was just 14 years old. Daron was the daughter of Ottawa Senators assistant coach Luke Richardson.
Please visit the Royal Ottawa Foundation for more information:
Day 143 of my 365 project is dedicated to friends and loved ones struggling with mental health issues.
Strobist Info:
AlienBee B400 @ 1/2 power into a large Paul C. Buff gridded softbox camera right.
LumoPro 120 @ 1/16 power attached to the crossbar of the background stand pointed downwards onto subject via a Manfrotto Super Clamp.
Grey paper background
Fired remotely via Pocket Wizard Plus II's
A re-imagining of a comp I did a while back called 'The boys at the end of the bar'. Chris and Yann were shot against grey and composited into a bar scene and the whole thing given 'the treatment' :)
Strobist:
x1 Einstein640 boomed high just off centre right for main fill.
x1 AlienBees AB800 camera left and x1 AlienBees AB1600 camera right both shot through large softboxes to provide kicker light.
The before and after comparison is HERE
Strobist:
AB800 w/ 22" Beauty Dish camera right high
ABR800 Ringflash on camera
Please visit Ryan Strong Photography.
Pictured here are the ladies anxiously looking at the countdown of the final few seconds of the game.
Strobist:
3 Alienbee B400s bounced off ceiling
16-35mm f/2.8L at f/5.6
Canon 40D at 1/250th, ISO 1000.
*** I wanted more DOF for this so that I wouldn't miss focus on the critical "emotion" shots that occur for brief seconds... ***
Triggered by Pocket Wizards
Nikon D90
Alienbee 400
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While most people during the holiday season are thinking about the color red I'm thinking about the color blue. Blue is my favorite color, Miles Davis' Kind of Blue is my favorite jazz album, and Chelsea F.C is my favorite London soccer club. The color blue is often associated with depth and stability. It symbolizes trust, loyalty, wisdom, confidence, intelligence, faith, and truth. Blue is considered beneficial to the mind and body. It slows human metabolism and produces a calming effect. Blue is strongly associated with tranquility and calmness. In heraldry, blue is used to symbolize piety and sincerity.
Strobist Info:
Camera Settings: Nikon D700 with Nikkor 105mm f/2.8g lens with TC-20 III 2x teleconverter attached, Aperture f/11, Shutter Speed 200, ISO 100
Strobe Settings: Main Light - AlienBee 800 with 30 degree grid at 1/8th power camera right. AlienBee 800 with 10 degree grid at 1/8th power camera left.
Strobes triggered remotely using PocketWizard MiniTT1 transmitter with AC3 Zone Controller and FlexTT5 transceivers. PocketWizard AC9 AlienBee Adapter was connected to AlienBee's to enable TTL remote power control of strobes
© Calvin James 2012
Thanks everyone for your comments and faves on my previous image, it made Explored :-).
The weather hasn't been the greatest, in fact I'm looking outside at the snow I need to shovel...and the snow is looking back at me :-). I want to start shooting products, as I'm thinking about starting a 365 photography project and I'll need to find things to shoot on a daily basis.
Strobist Info:
Camera Settings: Nikon D700 with Sigma 50mm f/1.4 EX DG HSM lens, Aperture f/11, Shutter Speed 200, ISO 100
Flash Settings: 1 AlienBee 800 shot into a Westcott 28 inch softbox at 1/8th power. Black foamcore board used for a Gobo, sized to leave to strips of light on either side was placed in front of the softbox,
Flash triggered remotely using PocketWizard MiniTT1 transmitter with AC3 Zone Controller and FlexTT5 transceivers. PocketWizard AC9 AlienBee Adapter was connected to AlienBee's to enable TTL remote power control of strobes
© Calvin James 2012
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I really enjoyed this lighting setup tonight. One ab800 was used and offset a couple feet from the center of the subject. The mood it created is pretty killer to me. mmmm that warm feeling you get when you enjoy a photo and subject like this one ;)
All photos and images are copyright © Trenton Davis. Feel free to email trent@trentondavisphoto.com for any questions.
1 ab800 in large octabox camera right and a Nikon sb28 with an ab800 for bg lights
Shot with my Nikon d40 and Sigma 18-50 2.8 hsm.
Alienbees
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I swear this is the final one!
It reminded me off an Urban Outfitters Ad or something.
Alienbee B1600 above into a Beauty Dish
Alienbee Cybersyncs
Alienbee Vagabond II
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Strobist info: Alienbees Ringflash using the moonunit w/ a 59" softbox attachment. 1/4-1/2 power.
*All rights reserved.