Top story City New, August 28, 1886.

Panic ensues among young lads “sewing their wild oats” as the ghosts of young ladies, wronged by the cads and unable to bear the shame, having flung themselves into the Thames, are reported to be returning and possessing the young gentlemen who wronged them.

In a related story, seamstresses throughout London are reporting that there may soon be a dire shortage of taffeta, faille, and moiré silk due to the large number of gowns, day dresses, and other frocks “of a larger size than normal” being ordered.

Cobblers of ladies' boots are reporting the same problem.

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Jeff and Hellen had found the perfect flavor for a new soda; the trick would be not letting the public know that the soon-to-be 0 Sugar Maple Cinnamon Pop owed its flavor to a worm unknown to science.

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