March 10, 2020: Had a good walk around a small sliver of Stanley Park. Aside from several die hard joggers and cyclists, as well as the call of birds like geese, the park was comfortably quiet. I started off wearing a cap but took it off to feel the slow drip of steady rain. It was not quite a mist.

 

I had read part of another book by @thichnhathanhsangha today, called TRUE LOVE: A PRACTICE FOR AWAKENING THE HEART where I read about walking meditation: “DURING THE DAY, if you practice walking meditation, each step brings you back to the present moment; each step enables you to touch what is beautiful, what is true. And in this way, after a few weeks of practice, joy will become something possible, you will be able to undo many knots within yourself, and you will be able to transform negative energies into joy and peace.” It spoke true to me.

 

Hanh continued, explaining how: “Buddha said this: “The object of your practice should first of all be yourself. Your love for the other, your ability to love another person, depends on your ability to love yourself.” If you are not able to take care of yourself, if you are not able to accept yourself, how could you accept another person and how could you love him or her? So it is necessary to come back to yourself in order to be able to achieve the transformation.” And this too, spoke true to me as I breathed in the cool air, filling my body, letting my lungs expand; followed by a deep breath out. I felt the quiet around me. I let the sound of nature in, and for the first time in weeks, I felt relaxed.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 70/366.

 

This photo was also posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #ThankYou #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #366daychallenge #366selfies 365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #LeapYear #DailySelfies

From April 6, 2020: I actually shot this yesterday and started editing it late last night.

 

The idea for this post comes from the amazingly inspirational @ssedonaa, based on a photo campaign by @i_weigh where one selects an unedited photo of them-self and writes positive things one values about them-self. So I did this, but with a twist - I used all of the following questions:

 

“1. what are three aspects of my identity that come to mind when you think of me?” and

 

“2. what is the one aspect of my personality that comes to mind before anything else?”

 

I also threw in several things that people have said about me since I did that survey, as well as some things that come to my mind when I think of myself, and a few things that I love doing that also define myself.

 

I really enjoyed making this and used the #PhontoApp to add the text.

 

It’s been 7 days since my last breakdown. And this photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, 97/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #366selfies #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #bloodwork #lab #lgbtq #queer #pan #depressionawareness #depression #sadness #pan #stayhome #livingmybestlife #iloveyou #ilovemyself #heart #heartfeltlove #inspiration #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #growing #stayhome #movingforward #photooftheday #picoftheday #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #postoftheday

Friday 19th October 2012

My LPSB Ariel with my massive TLM poster. <3

April 15, 2020 #BIRTHDAY RECOLLECTIONS.

 

PHOTO 1 (UPPER LEFT HAND CORNER): This is Joyce, my #biological #birthMother. She gave birth to me on this day, April 15, so long ago.

 

My Mom said Joyce’s decision to let her and my Dad #adopt me was the greatest #gift anyone ever gave her. Joyce trusted my Mom and Dad to give me a good #life, which they did.

 

I’m glad my parents were always honest with me about the fact I was adopted, I knew from an early age. Joyce passed away in the early 90s, and I never got the chance to meet her. And I don’t know who my biological #Father was. I wish I did and at some point I am going to take further steps to try and find out.

 

But again, I just wanted to thank Joyce for giving me life. I love you. And I know a part of your soul has always been with me and I thank you for watching over me all these years.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

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PHOTOS 2-5 (UPPER RIGHT HAND CORNER): I was a tiny #baby! And my adopted Dad, the only Dad I’ve ever known, he was Joyce’s doctor and as such, he was the doctor in charge of my delivery. Which I always thought was so cool. Not many can say that. I wish he was here today so I could thank him for it. I miss him everyday. I love him.

 

I was born Steven Robert Han Lee, and I forget why (I’ll have to ask my Mom why). Anyway, my adopted Dad was Korean. He came to Canada in 1952. Some of his family, including his parents were stuck in what became the North. He wouldn’t be able to contact his family in the North until the 1980s. I can’t imagine going thirty years without talking to my folks and unfortunately he never got to talk to them again, but he did reconnect with his siblings who were in the North. But when they wrote him - it was always addressed “Hanju Lee,” not “Han Choo Lee.” Apparently when he came to Canada, immigration services screwed up his name and recorded it as “Han Choo,” not “Hanju.” Many who know me today, know that I go by Steven Hanju Lee. I changed it legally as a teenager to get rid of Robert, which from what I recall, had no deep meaning in terms of say, representing some kind of a personal family history, and I chose to use Hanju as my only middle name as a way to honour my Dad’s birth name, that his parents gave him.

 

These photos were originally posted on Instagram.

 

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PHOTOS 6-12 (LOWER LEFT HAND CORNER): April 15, 2020: An assortment of photos of baby me. The fifth photo is of me with my adopted parents, from birth - my parents, the only parents I’ve ever known: Hanju and Beverly Jean Lee.

 

It’s been 1 day since my last emotional breakdown.

 

And this #photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, photo 106/366, originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #2020Selfies #livingmybestlife #pansexual #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #iweigh #light #love #acceptance #stayhome #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #day #postoftheday #instagood #empowerment #male #introspection #lookinginward #photooftheday #baby #babyboy #babylife

 

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PHOTO 13 (LEFT SIDE, LOWER RIGHT HAND CORNER): It’s my #birthday and I should feel on top of the world but don’t. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a lot of great moments and breakthroughs lately. But I still feel like I let others down, maybe even creep them out. I dunno.

 

I know I’m not a creep. I know I have so many amazing people in my life that care deeply for me. I know I’d never hurt another soul intentionally. I’ve let people down, but I wouldn’t ever look to cut another person down. I have love and reverence for all people, I always have. What I haven’t had was self-love. In fact I had years of self-loathing. There were times I couldn’t stand the skin I was born in. It’s why I’ve had suicidal ideation in the past and have attempted it in the past, and came close to wanting to try again this year. I even found Tuesday morning on my browser that I’d googled it the night before. I don’t remember doing it. But I want people to know and trust from the bottom of my heart that while I’ve had a history of difficulty loving me, I’d never hurt someone else. I could never harm someone else. It’s not who I am. If I ever had to, I’d never have a second thought about laying down my life to save others.

 

I want everyone to know this.

 

I’ve been talking to people about things in the past where I’ve let them down, as part of my healing. I’m slowly getting around to many people. I’ve had some amazing conversations with many already and those have been wonderful.

 

On another hand I have a history of spoiling my friends. And I’m learning more that none of that matters. A heartfelt homemade painting given as a gift resonates more because of the passion I put into it than say giving a camera or even a stuffed toy to someone I care for. In some of my past relationships I’d buy them half a hallmark store to try and to express my love but it didn’t result in love staying because I was filled with doubt and fear. The gifts I have were karmically tainted because of my sense of unworthiness. This is what I’m struggling to resolve by shifting my reality - that I know I’m a good man, a strong man, someone with lots to give the world. I’m tired of being afraid of rejection. I’m tired of rejection. I’m tired of feeling lost and alone.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

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PHOTO 14 (RIGHT SIDE, LOWER RIGHT HAND CORNER): There’s a deeper problem I’ve kept hidden, for two months now. For years now. I was so sick in January, with bronchitis and high fever. It took almost two months to get over. I thought I was over it at one point but it came back and knocked me down again. Overall my teachers were all great and were very accommodating to help me succeed. All but one.

 

I’ve had trouble in the past with this one, we just don’t always communicate well I guess. My education over the last decade has been up and down. I know at times it likely seemed I didn’t give it my all. After my ex left me, I ended up bombing out altogether and I know I let teachers who cared about me down.

 

Since I returned though, it’s been largely positive. With the odd exception I’ve gotten grades in the A range, between A- and A+. Up until the reading break, in spite of my bronchitis I was getting similar grades again, on track to getting through a full course load.

 

But as I’ve documented here, in addition to my bronchitis the depression has loomed over me. And in one class, I ended up being late with one important assignment. It was when the fever came back. I thought well, the teacher docks a certain percent per day so I thought I’ll take the hit and hand it in late as long as I got better. But then I didn’t get better. And two became three days, three became five, and then after seven days the assignment is worth nothing. It’s what has happened before with the same teacher and I know this teacher hates excuses and I retreated. I ignored them. But I saw my doctor for the physical and bloodwork, the first since 2017... and I even got a note just for that one assignment. And I reached out to them. I laid my case bare with honesty which is all I knew to do.

 

And I was rejected. I was told it was inappropriate to have told them what I had been going through. They were referring me to Kwantlen’s early alert. They were cancelling a meeting cause they felt unsafe and I was not to contact them until I spoke with counselling. This was something they did before years ago. And at that time counselling got back to me within like 48 hours. I actually genuinely like and respect this teacher, and wanted to do well. I got “A” range grades on the first three or four assignments for them. I feel like I’ve just let them down again.

 

Anyway, I didn’t hear from counseling. I went to the class, but sat at the back And kept mostly quiet Although I answered a few questions during class discussion, and the teacher acknowledge me whenever I raised my hand, letting me talk. But I was absolutely terrified.

 

Another week went by, and I had still heard nothing from the university about the situation. I actually wondered if she had even sent anything to the early alert. So, as I was finishing the homework for the next class, I received an email from the professor. In the email, the sharply told me that they were failing me in the class, As they had not received the outstanding assignment (even though I had attached what I had completed in my email to them the week before, along with several doctors notes: the ones I received from the walk-in clinic in January when I was originally very sick; and a new one from my primary care physician, written directly for them and asking that they grant me allowance). In their email, they said the decision had been made in consultation with the Dean, and the Office for Student Support. It’s funny, because after I got her first email the week before, I had thought about approaching the Dean, but didn’t. I decided to wait for counselling to contact me about the situation, as I didn’t want to be seen as going over their head. They finished their email by also saying I was to not contact them again about this situation, as that would be viewed as a violation of Kwantlen’s Student Code of Conduct. They then unfriended me and blocked me on social media, including Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.

 

So this latest run-in with this teacher just brought back a flood of insecurity, doubt and depression. I stopped going to my other classes, and I slept a lot. At one point I even ended up on the phone with the suicide hotline, which I’ve spoken to before on my feed, also sharing about the attempt during a Kwantlen speaker’s series. I also got into Kwantlen counselling, who I called immediately the same afternoon I got the professor’s email. I was heartbroken and in tears when I finally went to counseling for an assessment, the same week I spoke.

 

And sadly, I can’t take these classes with anyone else as this professor is the only person teaching the upper level courses I need. But what upset and disturbed me the most was how the professor said that they were afraid of me. That sentence was like a knife to the gut, tearing it open like a Japanese warrior would tear themselves apart during Seppuku, a ritualized suicide by disembowelment. I remember telling all of this to my aesthetician, and when I mentioned they were scared of me, she exclaimed, “What?! You’re the biggest teddy bear I know!”

 

So I let March and April slip away. I did start on the final project for this class. I should have reached out to the Dean, but I really hate confrontation. Which has made me feel spineless, and asking myself when I became so weak… I’ve just never been good at confrontation, I fucking hate it. What’s worse is that it’s mainly rooted in the fact I’ve never been good at standing up for me. If I can’t get this class, I can’t even graduate. Which pains me, because if I had been able to get this class done, I’d be on track to graduate in spring 2021 (COVID concerns aside). But now, all that’s in limbo.

 

Counselling said I should appeal to the Dean. Everyone I’ve discussed this with has said I should fight it. But I haven’t. I build up resolve, and then crumble. I build up courage, and then crumble. In fact, today is likely the very last possible day to appeal to the Dean… having said that, I have been able to reach out to some of my other teachers, one of whom has already given me an incomplete contract, to finish outstanding work over the next month or so. Getting that did boost my confidence.

 

But still, I’m paralyzed when it comes to approaching the Dean. School is supposed to leave you feeling inspired, and ready to take on the world. It’s not supposed to leave you feeling broken, stupid, and suicidal. It’s not supposed to make you hate yourself even more than you did before you started. It’s not supposed to make you feel like you’ll never succeed if you don’t get that piece of paper that says Bachelor of Fine Arts. What’s worse is how this has just in general, clamped down hard on my desire to create new work. I’m devastated, and so angry at myself for not having handled any of this better. I even lied to my counsellor about having already approached the dean. And I felt so guilty doing that, and I ended up skipping a session because I was so embarrassed.

 

I sadly see no positive outcome for any of this. And that breaks my heart.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

25. This is my photo for day 25. I had a shoot with Brace and with the weather ruining out plans we found shelter in a local bar to take some photos. I've been good mates with most of the guys for a few years but Brace is a new band. They've got a gig with Azriel, Silent Screams and Departures this Sunday in Aberdeen. Should be a good one. 25/366

28. I've been meaning to try this out for a while and finally got round to it last night. Day 28, a self portrait x3 of me! Enjoy. 28/366

March 20, 2020: And here we go. 80 days into 2020 and I feel like I’m still swimming just above rock bottom. Saw my doctor this morning. I’ll be starting blood pressure medication, and had my antidepressant renewed. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but being back on them makes me feel like I’m failing to live up to my potential.

 

But I’ve made out a list of what I need to get through the week. I’m walking now, to find a breakfast sandwich somewhere. I passed a homeless girl, with her German shepherd, she was rubbing his belly, and they were present in the moment.

 

I’m outside a Starbucks now and a worker is spraying and scrubbing the door handles. A homeless man just asked if I have a lighter. I don’t, but life goes on. The sun warms my forehead. I breathe in and know that I will be okay. I breathe out and know this to be true even if that feels so distant from me, I strive to be mindful of the present moment.

 

And it’s been 8 days since my last emotional breakdown.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 80/366.

 

This photographic image was first published on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #ThankYou #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #366daychallenge #366selfies 365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #LeapYear #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #comingout #comingoutpansexual #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #vulnerabilityisstrength #pansexualpride #artistsoninstagram #artoftheday #selfportrait #reverence #mindfulness

March 12, 2020: It’s been 0 day(s) since I had an emotional breakdown. And this is going to be the hardest post I’ve written this year.

 

Today, I went through a powerful Emotion Code session with Don MacPherson at @whitbys_books_and_gifts in White Rock. From what I understand, the Emption Code is an energy healing technique that helps identify and release the trapped emotions of harmful energies each of us accumulates over time, based on our life experiences. Those who follow my feed know I had a psychic reading back in February, and I’ve gone to several sound healing meditations with the amazing @theda.phoenix. Those were all great in helping to ground myself, but the work I did with Don today was extraordinary. Tonight, I feel a lot lighter, and more understanding about my relationship to someone I’ve never talked about publicly before - my biological Mother, Joyce Eileen Johnson (nee Pinchbeck). Joyce is the one you see in the second photograph of this post.

 

Many of my friends know I’m adopted. I was adopted before birth, and my adopted Father, the late Dr. Han Choo (Hanju) Lee was Joyce’s medical doctor, in charge of my delivery (I’ve always joked that he would have been the first person to ever slap me). And that meant he was likely the first person to ever hold me, and I’ve always taken great solace in knowing that we had that connection. I also know that my adopted Mom, Mrs. Beverly Jean Lee, considers me to be the greatest gift anyone ever gave to her. She’s said many times how grateful she felt that my biological Mother agreed to let her raise me.

 

But today, I learned how the emotions that an expecting Mother feels while pregnant can be felt by a developing fetus. Especially emotional pain. Using the Emotion Code, Don helped discover that I was dealing with three deep seeded emotions that were blocking what I understand as my heart chakra (the emotion code has a different name for this that I can’t quite remember). And these emotions were all prenatal, meaning they became a part of my being before I was even born.

 

Specifically, the emotions that were revealed in my reading were: resentment, guilt and unworthiness. As Don did the reading, he referenced a chart of emotions that can be uncovered in a session. And it’s funny because as the location for each group of emotions was revealed I was able to see the list from my seat and know exactly which one he would end up at before he even said it (especially the sense of being unworthy and living with guilt, which I’ve come to also acknowledge as being tied to the doubt I often feel). Resentment though, took me by surprise, as it isn’t one I ever thought of consciously. But it makes sense in respect to what my biological Mother was going through.

 

Over time, I’ve found that parts of her journey matched parts of my own, especially when it comes to loving myself and by extension, loving others. I’ve long felt unworthy, it’s been an emotion deep within me, as has guilt. And I honestly can’t pinpoint where the guilt comes from. It’s in my depression, and maybe it’s a guilt of just being alive. But what I went through today helped me greatly in releasing the negativity associated with all of these emotions. In many ways, my heart feels free for the first time in my life, as if a weight has been lifted off of it.

 

Don told after that after the reading was over, I may have moments where my emotions might become overwhelming, and where I might even feel physical pain. And this happened as I drove away, up the steep slope of Oxford Street. Tears started to pour out of me, my heart felt so tight, as though it was going to explode. I thought maybe I was having a heart attack. The crying would not stop, it was a deep sobbing and I felt the tears streaming down my face. By the time I was past Amy old high school, and the entrance to Softball City, I started to look for a place to pull over, and maybe even call 911. But then I started to say: “I’m sorry Mom (speaking to Joyce), I’m so sorry for the pain you went through. I’m sorry and thank you for the life you gave me by having me... but I need to let go of these emotions that are drowning me, so I can have a chance at the happiness I desire...” and in that moment the tears shut off like one might shut off a tap of running water. And in that moment, with what had felt like a fist clenching my heart for most of my life, that fist let go, and my heart felt free, like I could breathe. And I’ve felt great all night, with only the odd pang of negative emotions that had blocked me for so long spitting at my heart one last time. And I feel good. I’m smiling again. I feel like I’m finally finding reverence for myself, a real love for who I am and the possibilities that are in front of me in life. And I’m eager to give that reverence back to the world in a way that’s not contaminated by me not having any love for myself.

 

Don also started with a tarot reading and I’m glad he did, as it confirmed everything the psychic reading I had almost a month ago had revealed. Some of you closest to me know I did have some doubts about that reading but those are gone now. There’s no way he knew about that reading and it’s results as I revealed nothing to him beforehand about it.

 

Don also felt that I have a lot of empathy for others, something I’ve known, but again, something I’ve always had doubts about. I’m often guarded with others. But I know now I can trust others, especially those souls that reach out to me with deep reverence. Like the young woman I’ve mentioned here before, reached out to me saying she believed in me, I couldn’t believe it because I didn’t believe in myself. But I’m starting to really believe in myself now. And I think I can say that I honestly do love myself. Things won’t be perfect, life will still throw shit at me, but I feel more ready than ever before to plow through it.

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 72/366.

 

This was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #ThankYou #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #366daychallenge #366selfies 365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #LeapYear #DailySelfies

54. (yesterday) I didn't actually get a chance to shoot anything yesterday because I was travelling around, so I'm using a shot I took this morning whilst still in Edinburgh. I was in Glasgow shooting a video at Sugar Cube club with the Rendez-Vous guys the night before. A bunch of folk from Aberdeen came down then we spent the night in Edinburgh. I took this shot of Amanda in the awesome flat we were staying in courtesy of Nick and Callum. It's got me in a summer mood! 54/366

March 24, 2020: A #no #pants kinda #morning brought to you by #COVID_19.

 

It’s been 12 days since my last emotional breakdown. And this #photo is a part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie everyday, photo 84/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #366daychallenge #366selfies #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #comingout #comingoutpansexual #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #sleeping #sleepingin #nude #naked #erotichorror

23. One of my favourites from my shoot with Holmes today. He's a 4 and a half month Beagle puppy belonging to my mate Liam. Was taking some reference shots to get a portrait of Holmes tattooed on Liam. Awesome dog, full of life and character. I posted an instagram earlier of another shot of Holmes on my blog but decided not to use it since the shot is done to death. Although this is too but it shows off his nature better. 23/366

40. I've been waiting and waiting to get this specific shot and finally today all the elements were correct. Really misty evening along with the flood lights beaming from the football pitches on the other side of the river lighting up a nice scene. 40/366

20. Spent the day with Michelle today in Dundee. Went to Starbucks, walked around some shops then bought food and watched Malcolm in the Middle. Really chilled day before shooting another video tonight in the Dundee student Union - Mono. 20/366

April 13, 2020: I walked barefoot in the grass this morning, for around ten minutes. I wanted to lay down on the grass and just stare up at the big blue sky but the grass was really wet with dew. I made a small stride last night, I asked for something to get me through my paralysis so I don’t waste the term and my request was granted. It was from someone who’s been incredibly accommodating and helpful, I knew it would likely be the easiest of the things I need to do but the affirmation has given me strength to tackle the harder stuff tonight. Today my goal is to cut the grass, put down moss kill and weed and feed. If I have time I’d like to also power wash the driveway. Then tonight I’ll write the two emails I’ve put off for too long now. It’s time for me to start to shine again.

 

Fuck my paralysis. I’m done with it. I really want to put that behind me as much as I can. It’s not who I want to be.

 

I started listening to another book by @shannonkaiserwrites - it’s called JOY SEEKER: LET GO OF WHAT’S HOLDING YOU BACK SO YOU CAN LIVE THE LIFE YOU WERE MADE FOR. And early on there was a meaningful part that I’m going to paraphrase as a mantra for myself this morning... “I’m learning how to live a life that’s meaningful. I’m giving myself permission to be me. I’m replacing self judgment, comparison and anxiety with compassion, kindness and love.” Thank you Shannon.

 

And thank you @aaron_doughty44 for promoting this simple practice of walking barefoot in the grass, which I’m now incorporating into my life. I’m gonna try to make time today to hug a tree.

 

It’s been 1 day since my last emotional breakdown. I don’t even like the word breakdown but I’m still not sure how I can reword this to be more affirming and kind to myself. And this #photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, photo 104/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #2020Selfies #livingmybestlife #pansexual #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #iweigh #light #love #acceptance #stayhome #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #day #postoftheday #instagood #instagram #empowerment #male #introspection #lookinginward #movingforward #photooftheday #picoftheday #grass

18. On the 16th of January a new design was announced as being nominated for the re-development of Union Terrace gardens in Aberdeen. The 'Granite Web' is a contemporary new build to replace the Victorian gardens that exist. Personally, I'm for it. As much as I enjoy the current gardens, change is not a bad thing and with it's current bad reputation especially for night activity this could do some good for the city centre. I passed by tonight to take this photo which shows off much of the gardens as is. 18/366

 

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-north-east-orkney-shetland...

68. Arrival to NY. As soon as we arrived at the YMCA in West Side Manhattan, literally 50m away from Central Park, I got my camera out and we started exploring. In the evening a few of us went out with our cameras to snap the night time attractions. This was at Columbus Circle. The enormity of the city had overloaded my brain and I was nearly seeing everything in a blur, it was so fast and so exciting. 68/366

48. So I got a ridiculous hair cut yesterday. I thought I should wait a day until it was displayed for a photo of the day. Shot in my garden this evening. I actually love this new doo haha. 48/366

47. (yesterday) I haven't created a photo montage in so long so this was quite fun, almost therapeutic to be totally focussed on it. I spent most of the day running around doing various things. I took these shots yesterday, ran out of time then put them together today. Really, I wish I had this many hands, all my work would get done so much quicker!! 47/366

April 11, 2020: I’m finding walking barefoot in the grass has become something I need to do daily. It helps increase my vibration. It helps me feel connected to the Earth and it’s energy. It helps me remember the reverence I have for all life. It helps ease the stresses of life. It helps me be present and grounded in the moment, even if it’s for just a moment. I breathe in, and I feel life filling my body. I breathe out, and I know that I am alive, and I am happy for it. Today, the grass was cool even though the sunshine beaming down was warm.

 

Thank you @aaron_doughty44 for promoting this practice that I’m now incorporating into my life.

 

It’s been 12 days since my last emotional breakdown. I don’t even like the word breakdown but not sure how I can reword this to be more affirming and kind to myself. And this #photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, photo 102/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #2020Selfies #livingmybestlife #pansexual #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #iweigh #light #love #acceptance #stayhome #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #day #postoftheday #instagood #instagram #empowerment #male #introspection #lookinginward #movingforward #photooftheday #picoftheday #grass

April 16, 2020: Thanks to all those who have supported and helped me raise over $600 for the #CrisisCentreBC as part of the birthday fundraising option @facebook offers. Here’s what I wrote about this: “For my birthday this year, I'm asking for donations to Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention Centre of BC. I've chosen this nonprofit because their mission means a lot to me, and even though things are tough right now, I hope you'll consider contributing as a way to celebrate with me.

 

It’s been just over a month since I experienced a severe desire to commit suicide, related to the clinical depression I’ve long dealt with. But it was through lifelines like this that I was able to pull through. And in the past few days I’ve felt the depression coming back deeper - there is so much fear flowing through the Earth’s energy and I’m really feeling it’s pull. I’d be lying if I said everything was great with me when it’s not, I definitely have my ups and downs, we all do... it’s just it feels more down than up lately.

 

But ultimately, whatever you can give, every little bit will help the Centre. Give if you can, or bookmark this and think about giving at a later date when things are more stable again. I've included information about Crisis Intervention and Suicide Prevention Centre of BC below.

 

Since 1969, the Crisis Centre has been a non-profit dedicated to providing help and hope to individuals, organizations, and communities. Spanning the spectrum of crisis support, suicide prevention and postvention, staff and volunteers are engaged in a variety of services and programs that educate, train, and support the strength and capacity of individuals and communities.

 

Thank you. 🙏” If you’d like to help message me!

 

#POST-BIRTHDAY RECOLLECTIONS.

 

It’s been 2 days since my last emotional breakdown.

 

And this #photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, photo 107/366.

 

This photo was originally posted to Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #2020Selfies #livingmybestlife #pansexual #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #iweigh #light #love #acceptance #stayhome #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #day #postoftheday #instagood #empowerment

You will always be in my heart.

April 19, 2020: Still battling this upset stomach bug but improving I think. I shaved today. Small victories although I missed spots. Small failures but I can live with it. I love my baby blue eyes. Oh... I also have a craving for @cottoalmare meatballs. They’re insanely good.

 

It’s been 5 days since my last emotional breakdown.

 

And this #photo is a part of my subverted selfie project of 2020, photo 110/366.

 

This photo was originally posted to Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #366daychallenge #2020Selfies #livingmybestlife #pansexual #bodyneutrality #selflove #selfacceptance #growth #iweigh #light #love #acceptance #stayhome #dailyinspiration #dailymotivation #day #postoftheday #instagood #empowerment #love

January 5, 2020: Today’s #selfie is a #macro #composition highlighting 3 #necklaces I’m #wearing again. I had stopped wearing them when I studied #ceramics and #sculpture @kwantlenu, as it’s just easier to work in those areas without #pendants and rings on.

 

But last fall I noticed how an amazing young woman, Bianca, proudly wears her cross pendant on a necklace, which I believe she said had been a gift from her #father. I had my #cross since I was a #teenager but I stopped wearing it because I felt conflicted about it.

 

I was #baptized as a young man, but I have had trouble with the idea of the church itself in terms of it’s history of #abuse (be it how they ran Canadian #residential schools to the #crusades and countless #missions which, in most cases, utterly destroyed the rich culture, beliefs and histories of those they were trying to reform; or the sexual abuse #scandals and coverups have also been troublingly #atrocious as has been their treatment of the #LGBTQ community and a woman’s right to chose). Ultimately though, I chose to wear it not because of what the church has done in the past, but as an acceptance that there was a Jesus, a man who has been written about in both the Bible and the Quran - whose teachings highlight how #accepting he was of everyone. In a weird way it’s also impacted decisions I’ve made about what I’ve done and how I’ve acted toward others in the last few days. I’m more conscious about how my words and actions and decisions impact others.

 

The chain bellow it was a more recent gift from my #Mother. Finally, I bought the jade Maori Koru pounamu carving in April 2010. The round wave like koru symbol is said to represent new beginnings, growth and regeneration. And that’s why I’m wearing these again.

 

This photo is a part of my own #personal #photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 5/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#DeconstructingSelfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #366SelfieChallenge #366daychallenge #365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies

64. Sunday was a pretty rough day. Working the night before and running on little energy I was hit by the cold which wasn't well timed... I was pretty much plugged into my laptop all day editing photos and video work until the very late hours. This is typically what my 'work' area is like. A mass of notes and cables. Organised mess some might say. 64/366

22. A proper photo of my Carhartt Blackbird Fly. I got this as a present for my 21st from an awesome friend. It shoots 35mm and works on a twin lens reflex, so the top lens is what you view and the bottom lens is where the film is exposed. It's a fun gadget and gives some weird colour aberrations to photos. It shoots them in a square format and exposes the perforated sides of the film too, however I'm still to find someone who can develop it cost effectively. 22/366

March 22, 2020: Okay. I didn’t expect this to happen today but I’ve been proud of coming out pansexual last week but today another Instagram user and myself were attacked for choosing to label ourselves as pansexual, as others view the term as biphobic and promoting bi-erasure.

 

But in thinking about my sexuality in recent years I had read that there has been debate over use of the term in the LGBTQ+ community, but still believe deep down inside that the contemporary definition used today in 2020 is reflective of who I am: “Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is the sexual, romantic or emotional attraction towards people regardless of their sex or gender identity. Pansexual people may refer to themselves as gender-blind, asserting that gender and sex are not determining factors in their romantic or sexual attraction to others.” As I’ve gotten older, I’ve found that sex and sexual attraction is less and less important to me and that the spiritual bond and connection I share with a partner is more important.

 

Wikipedia also says: “Because pansexual people are open to relationships with people who do not identify as strictly men or women, and pansexuality therefore rejects the gender binary, it is often considered a more inclusive term than bisexual.” Ultimately, I don’t view my pansexuality as a choice, it’s something I truly believe I’ve always been. It just took a few decades for the terminology to catch up with how I felt. I also chose to view and promote my pansexuality in a positive context as I have no wish to ever take away from what others feel best describes their experience of who they are: be it heterosexual, lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, polysexual, sapiosrxual, or asexual.

 

It’s been 10 days since my last emotional breakdown. And this is part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie of me everyday, photo 82/366.

 

This was originally posted on my Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #366daychallenge #366selfies #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #comingout #comingoutpansexual #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid

19. A little bit late but oh well. I'm down in Dundee from tonight until Saturday morning shooting videos both tonight and Friday. I'm just back at the hotel in bed. Awesome night though. Tonight was the 'Rubaduck' First birthday at Underground, Dundee. Pretty awesome club. Similar to Snafu in Aberdeen. Took this shot between video shots and it showed of the venue pretty well. Only just noticed the awesome decoration on the ceiling. 19/366

41. My photo for yesterday. Was shooting in Pearl Lounge last night for Rendez-Vous Aberdeen. Crowd shot with some pretty nice lighting. 41/366

49. (yesterday) Some snow has finally arrived in Aberdeen! Last night was a bit of a blizzard... A quick snap while I was headed to work last night on Union Street. 49/366

57. Sunday is a bit of a lame day for me. I start off late after a late night working on the Saturday then work on photo editing and uni (if I'm lucky) all day. It made me think of the things I wanted to do and had not for some time. Just three things were; playing my xbox, playing and enjoying my guitar and going to the gym/doing exercise. As you can see most of these items are quite dusty. Take advantage of the weekend if you can! 57/366

39. Yesterday night I was hanging out with Andrew, Bex and Jess at Revolution. Andrew's last night in Aberdeen before heading home to London so we had a few drinks before I headed to work. 39/366

61. (Thursday 1st March) The first day of March. Tired and running on empty I took a second to pause whilst doing some nightlife shots and fired off a few long exposures in Pearl Lounge, Aberdeen. 61/366

31. A little late but the description is self explanatory. Been a really busy few days and my phone has literally not stopped, likewise constant emails and folk contacting me about work. All good work though and 2012 is shaping up to be an even more busy year. My plan is to get a new phone by the time this 366 photos project is done haha. 31/366

17. Just doing some cooking this afternoon. Another day of awesome weather. If I see snow this year I'll be shocked. enJOY.

 

17/366

March 21, 2020: Cutting the grass. But I have to admit the new pills I’m taking to lower my blood pressure - they have me feeling bleh.

 

And it’s been 9 days since my last emotional breakdown. I guess I don’t have to write this down everyday eh?

 

Part of my personal photo project of 2020, to get a different selfie shot of me everyday, photo 81/366.

 

This photo was originally posted on Instagram.

 

#selfies #SubvertedSelfies #Selfies #ThankYou #365SelfieChallenge #365daychallenge #366daychallenge #366selfies 365Selfies2020 #2020Selfies #DailySelfie #LeapYear #DailySelfies #livingmybestlife #queer #comingout #comingoutpansexual #pansexualpride #pansexuality #pansexualandproud #pansexualboy #pansexuallove #pansexualartist #pansexuality #pansexualityisreal #pansexualityisvalid #vulnerabilityisstrength #pansexualpride #artistsoninstagram #artoftheday #selfportrait #reverence #mindfulness

52. Yesterday I was in Edinburgh to check out Whitespace design agency and the design exhibition at the Scottish Parliament. Of course, we had to pop into the Scottish National Portrait Museum. It has an iconic stairway that leads you upstairs from ground level that even as a kid I loved the look of. I had a few nice shots from the trip but this felt like the strongest. I'll blog some of the others later. 52/366