The 7th month on the Chinese Lunar Calendar marks the beginning of the Hungry Ghost festival. Taoists believe the that hungry ghosts are souls of people that did not find everything they needed to survive in their after life. For one month each year the gates of hell are thrown open and the souls of the retched are allowed to roam the physical world at will and feed off of the living. The ghost will scare people, and then draw strength and energy from the fear. To appease and distract the ghosts there are elaborate entertainments put on all over the city. People also will pray, chant, burn copious amounts of joss sticks or leave offerings of food about. People also burn effigies and offerings to send them over to their relatives on the other side so that they will have what they need to move on to their next life.

In this photo a roaming troupe of entertainers are dancing and drumming to distract the wandering souls of the dead. They went all around our neighborhood.

check singbrewer.blogspot.com/2007/08/welcome-roaming-souls.html

_____________________▪_____________________

“so I thought I would pop today, I’ve seen the meek and

I’ve seen the brave, but I haven’t seen the needed rage

.

just like that, as if it was never there, you are told all is

well and you are falling for it again, without batting a lash

.

I understand you are tired of it all, but for God’s sake

grow some balls, see the plight for what it truly is, a fat LIE!

.

you get some of your ‘freedoms’ now back, but just you

wait, for it, all gets taken away because you obliged!

.

without ever raising your hand and standing to find

the truth, to dig for the foul seed that started it all

.

the root of the lie keeps digging deeper into the ground,

eroding your common human values, one by one

.

if you close your eyes now and turn your back away,

you take the easy way out, and you get trapped

.

instead of rising above the slug, you get pulled

even further down, into the retching hornets’ nest

.

If I was alive, I would be blazing the streets, singing

on the top of my lungs, demanding answers now

.

asking the hard questions, no one else dares raise,

making sure this nonsense never ever happens again

.

wake up now, face the light, make a torch, and set

the world ablaze, or forever hold your breath” sth

_____________________▪____________________

ᒪ♥ᐯε. ᒪ!ϘηΤ. HεαᖇΤ. #uvbnChanneled

I have been looking up rollerblading videos for no apparent reason all morning ... and then this message and image came through ... now I have to go dig up my rollerblades and try not to kill myself because I haven't bladed in over 20 years (yes, I know this is aging me! ;)

.

..

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..

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..

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. #JFKjr #Q #wwg1wga #wwg1wgaworldwide #5dascension #greatawakening #thegreatawakening #saveourchildren #childlivesmatter #Q #QAnon #redpill #digitalsoldiers #thestorm #thestormisuponus #vibrateHigher #manifest #angelMessages #clairaudient #clairvoyant #kundalini #spirit #spiritualAwakening #spiritualGrowth #spiritualCommunity #consciousness #inspiration #selflove #freedom #freedoms #manifest #iAm #444 #iChannel #angelMessages #mySoulSpeaks #clairaudient #clairvoyant #iWroteIt #kundalini #highVibes #zen #spiritualAwakening #spiritualGrowth #spiritualCommunity #consciousness #manifestation #inspiration #wordsToLiveBy #wordsOfWisdom #starseed #wisdom #higherConsciousnes #loa #yoga #vegan and #soItIs in #loveAndLight and into #infinity 💖 #mySoulSpeaks #clairaudient #iWroteIt #newConsciousness #instaChannel #channeledMessage #messenger #guidance #1111 #2222 #4444 #5D #kundalini #sohum #awakening #spiritualAwakening #spiritualCommunity #spiritualGrowth #manifestation #inTheVortex #inspiration #inspire #quotes #quotesDaily #wordsToLiveBy #wordsOfWisdom #wisdom #affirmations #dailyAffirmations #positiveThinking #higherSelf #higherConsciousness #magic #archangels #moonChild #signsAreEverywhere #consciousness #spirit #gaia #newEarth #manifestation #inTheVortex #oneInAll #channeler #messenger #guidance #magic #archangels #spirituality #loa #lawOfAttraction #manifestAbundance #lawOfPositivism #positiveAffirmations #meditation #astrology #numerology #mindful #mindfulness #positiveEnergy #yoga #meditation #buddha #buddhism #healingEnergy #reiki #yoga #vegan #даБъде #unicorn #dreams #believeItToSeeIt #ABCislands #sunset #CaribbeanSunset #paradise #stunning #igSunset #loveSunsets #igNature #motherNature #sunsetPhoto #sunsetPhotography #motherNature #nature #thereIsNoPlanetB #world_bestSky #sunset_hub #sunsetLover #splendid_view #splendid_shotz #splendid_moment #splendid_horizon #ic_sky #ig_shotz #ig_shotz_sunset #ig_sunriseSunset #igWorldClub_sky #tgif_sunset #tgif_nature #best_skyshots #feelItForYourself

A camera that was given to me...in a filthy disgusting state, almost made me retch handling it....covered in what I assume to be a combination of engine oil, cooking fat/axel grease, bits of this and that (don't really want to know) and lots of either animal or human hair (all knotted and tangled, yuk).

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Seriously a heavy camera. Reviews... "Built like a tank"

Except for the highlighted cosmetic issues, it's main problem is the frame counter (is it worth having it repaired, cost wise !!).....The rest of the camera is excellent, built in light meter works ( Accuracy !? using a 1.5V alkaline) shutter, timer etc..even the lens seems Ok. Inside the camera is immaculate...pity in regards to it's other issues.

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The shutter......pressing the release..CLONK..nothing refined in that department, even cause camera shake, I've read.

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Concrete Maintenance Basics As concrete ages, many factors play a role in the internal breakdown of the molecular bond. As everything in our universe decays, it breaks apart at the molecular level and concrete is no different. With the use of several maintenance techniques, a poured concrete structure that is open to the elements will remain intact for decades to come. Cleaning Concrete One fact about cleaning concrete that is often misunderstood is the pressure washer. Many homeowners rent or purchase pressure washing equipment, planning to clean the algae or stains from the concrete. The process is repeated over and over with the same effect. Every six months you have to pressure wash it again. This is a case of wasted money and time when the best solution for cleaning dirty concrete is to pressure wash it, etch and stain it, sealing it forever from invasive chemicals, nature and erosion ift.tt/XFFIOQ After a good pressure washing from a quality pressure washer, allow it to dry 24 hours before proceeding with the etching. Using an etching formula like Krud Kutter is a safe alternative to muratic acid and is less toxic to handle. With a pair of rubber gloves on, mix the etcher as directed and scrub onto the concrete using a stiff bristled brush ift.tt/1v70gLI Seal Coats A seal coat is a protective paint or stain that is applied to the concrete, changing its upper layer into a protective composite coating. Typically the concrete paint is colored, changing the appearance of the concrete, but clear coats can be used as well. Aggregates like sand or fine gravel is added to the mix providing a firm anti-slip surface concrete sealer, even when wet. Epoxy semi-gloss concrete stain can be added to interior concrete slabs for oil-free and stain proof finishes perfect for mechanics shops, just like in world class car showrooms around the world ift.tt/ZPF3fA Clear coats and other concrete stains are easy to apply. Using a heavy nap roller cover and paint roller, spread on the concrete sealer just like you would paint a wall. Keep paint lines down by continually keeping plenty of paint on the roller (AKA loading the roller) and reworking areas. A second coat is often needed on porous concrete to correct holidays. Yearly Maintenance Every year after the concrete has been properly sealed, a simple cleaning with an oxygenated bleach product is sufficient. If any concrete stain has peeled up, discolored, blistered or flaked, the area should be pressure washed and allowed to dry for 48 hours prior to a heavy retching and resealing with the concrete stain. Source: ift.tt/1x0g6M6 via Best Electric Pressure Washer Reviews 2015

Munich 2014

made this for the lovely miss jenna for her bachelorette night. being that the future bride is an amazing designer, i was afraid she'd retch at the site of cooper black. but she loved it and wore it proudly :)

made with the help of the gorgeous designfruit photoshop brushes

So I have my first prom tomorrow night. I should be excited...right? I was. But now I can't be. My daddy drove three hours to come see my little sister for her 8th grade graduation. (He may not live with us but he is very much a part of our lives) During the ceremony I had a saddening thought. My father won't be able to see his oldest daughter get all dressed up for her first prom. He won't be able to greet my boyfriend at the door with his rifle and give him the traditional warning a southern father gives. He won't be able to look at me while I wait on my date and assure me that I look absolutely beautiful. And this all breaks my heart. Because he's my daddy and I love him more than anyone else in the world and this is a huge milestone that we're both going to miss. A precious memory that will never be made. The entire time I've been writing this I have been sobbing uncontrollably listening to the song Cinderella and it makes me cry even more because it's about a father dancing with his daughter because he knows every moment is precious and that "all too soon the clock will strike midnight and she'll be gone". Yes, I am in fact in my feelings and I believe I have a right to be. And all of this because a stupid mistake 13 years ago has robbed us of very possible moment we could have had together. Ladies, if you have your father with you, be thankful. You may think he's too strict sometimes or you may think he's lame or too attached, but embrace it. Embrace every moment you have with that man because all too soon the clock will strike midnight and your time will be gone.

... and some Stickers.

Cigars have this effect. And spitting. And retching.

But they are smashing.

Terrified scientist being dragged away by retched undead

Taking Out a Little Agression

v/a (colored version + bonus 7")

Label:Dr Strange

2007

(Only 598 made (498 on colored) hnd #'d, silk scrn jckts w/ JFA, MDC, CH3, Shattered Faith, McRad, Verbal Abuse, Fang, & many more! inc bonus 7")

Second vaa girl shoes! (did not upload pictures of the first)

Canvas I made for a good friend.

DETAIL PICTURES HERE: sigiasso.blogspot.com/2010/10/sigi-asso-canvas.html

Taking Out a Little Agression

v/a (colored version + bonus 7")

Label:Dr Strange

2007

(Only 598 made (498 on colored) hnd #'d, silk scrn jckts w/ JFA, MDC, CH3, Shattered Faith, McRad, Verbal Abuse, Fang, & many more! inc bonus 7")

Like classic horror flicks? Wish you could still see them on the big screen?

On Saturday, December 31, 2011, head to the Plaza Theatre for the New Fears Eve show.

Before the lights go down for the Mad Monster Party move, Professor Morte, Retch, Pandora and the gang treat audiences members to a 30-minute Silver Scream Spook Show–think “Pee-wee’s Playhouse” meets “The Munsters.” Professor Morte and his crew keep the 1:00 p.m. stage show kid-friendly with a few magic tricks, blackouts and dance numbers (but no actual burlesque). The 10:00 p.m. show is another story; expect to see a bit of ghoul-on-ghoul action from Blast Off Burlesque.

Kids under 12 get in free at the 1:00 p.m. show, and everyone else pays a mere $7 each. Admission is $12 for the 10:00 p.m. show.

The Plaza Theater is located at 1049 Ponce de Leon Avenue, Atlanta. 404-873-1939

So my Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome decided to rear it's ugly head last night.

I started feeling nauseous at dinnertime, and made it back to my hotel and then proceeded to vomit/gag from about 8PM till 5PM today. [Yeah, that's 21 hours worth of nausea/vomiting/gagging]. When you're wretching every 20 minutes or so, you don't sleep either [as you can imagine]. Right now, I'm soooo pissed I missed my last full day here - I leave tomorrow morning. Four word sum up how I feel,

FUCK, FUCK, FUCKING SHIT.

I'm so pissed I missed out on my last full day of checking things out in Santa Fe - so bummed right now.

Well, it's 5:30PM and I'm finally not feeling nauseous anymore, but I'm exhausted from all the retchings and fist- fulls of Xanax, Zofron [pictured above], Dramamine, etc. Anyhow, this is my last night here and I plan/hope to see my first friends that I met in Santa Fe. For me, they're the highlight of this trip. I feel lucky to have met some really cool and friendly people. In a nutshell, I'm going to shower up and and try to hang out with all of them and get one last good night of partying in with the locals. I'm in pain and exhausted, but I'm determined to overcome.

There's also a wikipedia article on Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome should anyone be interested.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cyclic_vomiting_syndrome

Sadness is all I've ever known.

Inside my retched body it's grown.

It has eaten me away, to what the fuck I am today.

There's nothing left for me to say.

There's nothing there for me to hate.

There's no feelings, and there's no thoughts.

My body's left t fucking rot.

Life sucks, life sucks, life sucks, life sucks.

It has been fucking this way, since my fucking waking day.

To this fucking land of waste.

We're worked, erased, and then replaced.

Boredom has taken over my brain.

Chilled the blood inside my veins

Left me in this place insane.

All in sickness and in pain.

Life sucks, life sucks, life sucks, life sucks.

.

Life sucks, life sucks, life sucks, life sucksI hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life, I hate my life

Dnt Just View Commnt plz !

a rather badly decayed (and stinking) whale carcass washed ashore at my local beach, I was just on my evening walk when the smell hit me from over a kilometre away.

Up close and personal like this it was pretty intense and more than few of the sightseers where dry retching.

Banda vencedora da final do festival: "Summer Rock Festival" !

Contato:

Orkut: www.orkut.com.br/Profile.aspx?uid=4421612149626565541

More Photos Inside...

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Today´s Soundtrack: James LaBrie - Freak

You see it - I'm in it

One man freak show

Your city streets

Boa Semana !

2014/06/07(sat)

Asshole Carnival Vol.2

at Earthdom

ANAL VOLCANO

Mecosario (岡崎)

Retch

GO-ZEN

SAIGAN TERROR

ZENOCIDE

DJ : LOVEJUICE

red squirrel is looking in a toilet

2014/06/07(sat)

Asshole Carnival Vol.2

at Earthdom

ANAL VOLCANO

Mecosario (岡崎)

Retch

GO-ZEN

SAIGAN TERROR

ZENOCIDE

DJ : LOVEJUICE

For FGR: In the Car

I had one of *those* days where everything just went downhill as the day went on. The final straw was the bus ride home. I take the bus to work most days. There are the GOOD bus days and BAD bus days. I generally don't mind it most days but today was extra depressing. There was a woman on the bus who was clearly ill (cancer/chemo treatments from what I could gather) and was on the way to the hospital. Luckily, she had a very caring friend with her but she was not in great shape. The bus driver was very rude (the woman was retching a bit but had a plastic bag and clearly was in control of herself), people were staring and making comments. And all I could think about was how messed up it is that someone has to take the bus to the hospital and she clearly didn't have health insurance, etc. And then I got home and got in my car to drive to my volunteer meeting - and took a few minutes to just sit and think about how freakin' lucky I am - to be healthy, to have health insurance, to have a car and the choice to take the bus.

I feel very melodramatic writing this now because I'm doing much better. I had a great Women Build meeting and feel much more positive about things. And really, I must admit that there are 'good' bus days where little things happen that remind me of how kind people can be - people giving up their seats for people, paying fares for people who don't have the correct change, or the woman on her way to work who struck up a conversation with the teen sitting next to her and gave him her lunch because he clearly was in rough shape.

2014/06/07(sat)

Asshole Carnival Vol.2

at Earthdom

ANAL VOLCANO

Mecosario (岡崎)

Retch

GO-ZEN

SAIGAN TERROR

ZENOCIDE

DJ : LOVEJUICE

I lost Benny on Saturday evening. He died around 8.30pm.

I'm still sobbing as I write this, but I wanted to post this, because I acknowledge most things that happen in my life on here, and Benny should not be excluded from that.

These last few days have been awful. I've sobbed for hours on end. I don't expect everybody to understand, as even those who have cats can just see them as cats. Ben was far more than that to me. He was with me for 15 years, and after my Mum, Dad, and brother he was the one I cared about the most. Even when I'm 30 I will have spent more than half my life with him. I don't really remember a time without him, and the idea that he's gone is agonising. I've wanted to claw my skin off and just curl into a ball and weep and weep and sometimes I've done just that

I don't think I can find the words for it. Sometimes I'm crying and my mouth is open like I'm screaming, but nothing comes out.

I still look for him on my bed when I walk into my room. I still leave the bathroom door open just wide enough for him to sit between the door and the wall, like he loved doing. I expect him to walk into the kitchen and ask me for milk, or to curl up on the Primark bags I gave him. He loved them so much. If I hear a cat snoring in my parents room I think it's Ben. I shower and walk out of the bathroom and expect to see him on the landing, all curled up into a ball. I've left my bedroom door propped open for years, just for Ben, because he liked coming in here so often. I've closed it now. I only left it open for him, and now that he's gone I don't want any of the other cats in here.

I just keep thinking that it was Ben. Ben can't leave me.

I keep trying to hug him, but he's not there.

---------

I had less than 24 hours left with him when I came home from uni. My Dad couldn't pick me up on Friday night, so my Mum really didn't want me to come home as it meant she'd have to leave a party early to pick me up from the station. I insisted though, because I thought if anything happened to Ben and I hadn't chosen to come home that night, I'd have never forgiven myself. I'm glad I live my life like that.

My Mum picked me up and we stopped to buy dinner on the way home. When I got in, I could see Ben on the landing above me, his coat pushing through the bars. Sometimes I'll go straight up to him, but I went into the kitchen to have dinner, and a minute or two later he appeared! I picked him up and made a fuss over him, and then he sat with me during dinner. When my Dad got home Ben had to go for his pills, and I was just putting my things over the banister when I heard my Mum and Dad getting him. I wanted to ask them to stop, to wait until I was there to hold him, because I want to be there for him when he has to take his medicine, but I figured it would inconvenience them, and I could be there for the next night.

I got ready for bed and chatted to my Dad, then I went through to my parents room and stroked Ben, who had curled up into a ball underneath my Dad's side of the bed. I stayed there with him for a few minutes, before climbing into bed with my Mum to watch 'Theatreland' with her and my Dad. Ben stayed under the bed. When I went to leave, I asked if I should take Benny with me, and my parents said that he could stay, as they've been letting him sleep there more recently. So I went to my room, where I found Toddy curled up on my bed. I hate it when Toddy does this, because it means Benny will be able to smell him, and it takes him longer to get back to sleeping on my bed. I went to tell my parents, and I found Ben up and walking about. I scooped him up and held him in the special, cuddly way I always do, and as I took him out, I had him wave a paw at my Mum. I usually follow this by going over to her and having her stroke his tummy, but I didn't that night.

As much as I'd love to take Ben to my room, I put him down on the landing so he can decide what he wants to do. I'm just about to relent and let Toddy sleep in my room for one night - purely because he is clearly pining for my brother, who he has never been separated for such an extended period of time before - when Benny walks in. I don't know how I'm going to get Toddy off my bed without Benny seeing him. Instead, Benny has a drink from the red bucket used to refill Barbara's tank - something he often does - and I moved the measuring jug out of his way. Then he goes out. I feel sad, but I know that I have to be back for more than a week before Benny will start sleeping on my bed again, so I figure I have time still for him to get used to it. I go and lie with him on the landing for ages, just stroking him, and being glad that I'm with him again, before eventually going to bed. While lying there, I noticed that he's breathing a bit more heavily than usual, but I'd seen him breathe like this before, and it's always passed, so I don't say anything. Eventually, I drag myself away from him and go to bed. I stay up reading. I had almost decided to go and read next to Benny, but I was so tired that I figured I was only going to read one chapter. The book is so good though, that I keep on reading until it's light outside.

In the morning, my parents are calling for me to hurry up and get down to the car. I go and check my parents room for Benny, but can't find him anywhere. In hindsight, he was probably in my Dad's study.

I go with my Dad to collect my things from uni. We stop off at Tesco on the way back. Usually, whenever I walk past the Felix cat food, I say "Benny!" but I didn't that day. When we get home Benny is lying in the garden room, warm in the sun. He meows. Once I've finished unpacking the car I go and change into something else, then lie in the garden room and read my 'Hunger Games' book with Benny. He wandered into the kitchen, and I followed a few minutes later, just as my Mum calls for my Dad. She says Benny's breathing heavily, and he kinda is. I sit on the white step and watch him. He goes and has some 'pan', which is when he goes and licks the pan stand. He adores it. He rubs himself against the table leg. I call him over, and tell my Mum how Benny rarely comes when called (because he's his own cat) and that I am always extra pleased when he comes over to me. He comes over to me. I make a fuss of him. We go back into the garden room and I read some more. Benny stares out onto the sunlit garden. The weather changes, and it begins to rain. Then it begins to hail. I say "Do you like the hail, baby?" He wanders off. Eventually I go upstairs to see my Mum, figuring I should probably spend some time with her now that Benny's wandered off. I find him on the landing outside the bathroom, and crouch down next to him and stroke him so more.

Around 6.30pm my Dad comes in and says he thinks we should take Benny to the vets. He's been watching his breathing some more and is worried.

I get dressed and then come back to see Benny. He's in my parents room now. He goes over to his bowl and my Mum asks if he wants any treats. I'm unsure, because I don't want to aggravate anything if he's ill. He then walks under the dresser and pulls his bowl towards him with his paw. My Mum gives him treats. Emmy runs over so she gives her a bowl of treats. Emmy barely eats any before she walks off. Ben eats both bowls. He's so happy and chirpy.

I carry him downstairs and put him in his basket. I say he's just going on another adventure, and as I carry him out of the house I promise him that he'll come home. He cries out in his basket on the way to the vets. I don't cry. Last time it was something serious I didn't cry because I was sure he'd be fine. Then the last two times I took him to the vets I cried because I thought it was something awful and it wasn't. I thought to myself that because I wasn't crying, it would probably be something serious.

At the vets Karen checks him out. He trembles a little, but otherwise he's perfect. He's always so well-behaved. He actually purrs quite happily, and we remark on how he's always a happy boy - but I hold him and stroke him to comfort him anyway. She says there's fluid on his lungs again, but not as much as last time. She says his medicine dosage for that is really low, and so he's given a higher dosage while we're there. I start crying, and Karen asks if we've had Ben since he was a kitten. We say yes, and Karen says that means I've had him almost all my life, and then she hugs me and I'm still crying. She says she knows it's hard. She says no one is at the vets tonight, so we should take him home. She books an appointment for Benny on Monday morning. She says to make him happy, and let him eat whatever he wants.

We stop at Tesco on the way back, for my Mum to go and buy Benny some fish for dinner. I stroke Ben's paw. My Dad and I see the Tesco cat, and I feel guilty for even looking at it while Ben's with me. A man walks past the car, and Ben's eyes and head follow him, and he tries to keep watching him even when the man has walked past the sight-lines of the basket.

We go home, and my Dad lifts him out of the car and calls him "Ben-Gorgeous". He has so many nicknames, and this can be another one. My Dad lets him out inside the front door, and Ben looks back at him as he walks out. My Dad goes to put the basket in the yard, and I hang around by the front door until my Dad comes back, because I can't remember if he said to lock the door because he'd come in through the back door or not. He comes in through the front door and goes to shut the curtains in the garden room. I go into the kitchen and can't see Benny for a moment, before I realise he's using the litter tray. He comes out and sits down and I stroke him. My Mum rustles something, and I laugh as Ben gets up, thinking that he thinks it's food. He lies down, then gets up again, and I realise that's not it.

He gets up again and I ask my Mum if I can put my dinner in the oven before she cooks the fish, as I hate the smell of it. She says yes, so I go over to the fridge. As I do so, I see Benny move to under the table. Then he retches. Or not really. It's like he's trying to be sick. Instantly I'm at his side, and my Mum's calling my Dad down. Ben's tongue looks a different colour - not blue, like a lack of oxygen, but a deep dark reddy brown. Ben can't stop throwing his body back and looking like he's trying to be sick. I move aside for my Dad to look at him. Ben gets up and tries to go behind the armchair. My parents tell me to move it so we can see him, and I'm so angry because they just stand there and someone's propped some trays behind the chair and I hear them fall but I can't put the chair down to see what's happened because I don't know where Benny is and I don't want to put the chair on him. I yell at someone to see what's happened, and my Mum rushes forward to say that the trays have fallen on him. She picks them up and he moves again. He passes through the hall, and I don't remember if he sits down or goes straight into the garden room.

He lies under the cabinet, and constantly he's rolling his head and retching and making these sounds and I'm so scared. My Dad tells me to go and get some water, and for my Mum to put the fish in the oven. I go and pick up the blue water bowl in the pantry, and I notice it has hair from the other cats in. Ben won't drink milk if it has any hair in it, so I empty the bowl and refill it. I'm turning away and then I turn back, because I worry that it's not high enough for him to easily reach it, and I don't want him to strain. So I refill it, cursing how much time I'm taking.

He doesn't even notice the water. He starts to drool, and my Dad goes to get some tissue to wipe it for him. I stroke him gently. He gets up and moves away from me, and even though my heart breaks I know he doesn't want me bothering him right now. He moves to the rocking chair, and I don't realise at first, but he's lying across one of the curved legs of the rocking chair. There's no way he'd do that normally. It would hurt him too much. My Dad moves the rocking chair. I ask him if Ben's dying, already knowing the answer. He says he thinks so. I wish that pill would work.

My Dad calls the vets again, and Karen says that she hadn't like to say, but she'd thought Ben was on the homestretch. She said she'd thought he had a few days left. She said the pill wouldn't have had a chance to work yet. She said that when there was fluid on the lungs, sometimes cats would try and throw it up. She said she'd call again in half an hour.

Ben moved again, to under the piano stool. Coco tried to come in. We shut the door on her. Ben was still rolling his head, panting through his mouth, struggling to breathe. He moved under the garden room chair closest to the window. We sat there and watched him. I wanted him to keep fighting, to keep breathing. I didn't want to lose him. I wanted to stay calm, for him to not feel how upset I was, but I was crying. My Dad moved the chair after a few minutes, and lay down with Benny. Then he moved and told me to go to him. I lay there and stroked him paw. He was struggling so much, but I still, selfishly, wanted him to keep clinging to life. My Mum stroked his side.

When my Mum stopped stroking his side - his left, as he was lying on his right - I started stroking him there, while still softly stroking his paw with my left hand. He gasped again and became still. I started crying even more, and said I thought he was dead. His head jerked again and he gasped for breath, and then he became still. Then he did it again, and after that he didn't gasp any more.

I can't quite remember what happened next. I just cried. I remember thinking that he wasn't my Benny anymore, but also that he was. Karen called, and my Dad told her Ben had just died. She said she was sorry, especially for me, and told my Dad to give me a hug from her. I couldn't stop crying. I don't think I did for hours. My Mum went and fetched a box that I'd just unpacked the night before - when Benny had been in the room - from my Aunt in Missouri, full of presents for the Spring. My parents told me to go and pick out a blanket to wrap Benny in, but I couldn't comprehend making any decisions. They said to get a blanket of his, but he didn't have a particular blanket. He just slept on my bed. My Mum took me to the airing cupboard, and I just stood looking at all the towels and blankets with her. I think she realised I wasn't going to be able to make a decision, as she eventually picked out a brown one I don't remember having seen before, and said we could wrap Benny in it.

They lined the box with the towel, and then my Dad picked Benny up and cradled him. I think my Mum realised that I wanted to hold him one more time, and she told my Dad to let me before they settled him into the box. I held him and his head flopped a little, and I wanted to cry even more because Benny wasn't there to hold it up. I remember his soft little white neck. After a while my Dad took him from me once more and lay him in the box. Benny loved being curled up in tight spaces, and the box fit him perfectly.

I think I cried for hours over him. My parents sat with me. My Mum went to tidy away Ben's medicines and food. At some point, the timer for the fish she'd put in the oven for him went off. After a long time I went to the bathroom. I thought this would give my Dad time alone with him. When I came back I continued crying. My Mum said I could have Ben in my room that night, and I'm ashamed to say that the idea unnerved me at first. Then I felt ashamed. My Dad said we could put him somewhere else then, maybe among the things I'd brought back from uni. That made me even more ashamed, because Benny wasn't a thing. Benny was so much more than that, and he deserved so much more than that. I stroked him for hours.

Eventually my parents got me up to bed. My Dad carried Ben in his box. I pulled the box right up against my bed. My parents said I could sleep in their room if I wanted, with Ben, but really I wanted one more night with Ben. We spent so many nights together. I closed the door so the other cats couldn't get in, but also because it had only ever been open for him.

I cried some more. I talked to him, and stroked him, and sang to him. I used to sing 'You Are My Sunshine' and 'Happy Together' to him, so it felt right to do it again. Eventually I started reading. I felt bad doing that, but I'd started the book when Benny was alive, and I wanted to finish it while he was still with me. I looked at the part of the book I'd read with Benny in the garden room, specifically at the part where a cat was mentioned & I'd looked over at Ben, and then at the last bit I'd read before we'd taken him to the vets. 58 pages.

I finished the book, and then started the next one. I needed to keep on reading until I was so tired that I'd fall asleep without thinking.

When my parents woke me in the morning, I was crying instantly. I dressed in this black and white cardi and skirt that I always said meant I was dressing like Ben. My parents came in to see him. I carried him down to the car, and I was so glad that I'd been able to keep my promise, and that he'd been able to come home. I sat him on the seat I'd put the basket on the night before. There was still his hair on the seat. It must have come through the basket. I held the box on my knee after that.

At the vets, Karen gave me a hug. She said that if she could choose her way to go, she'd want to be at home, surrounded by her family. She started addressing the decisions to me, and I was glad, because it meant she recognised that Benny was mine. But I never liked saying Benny was mine. I used to say to him "I am yours, and you are mine", because I never saw myself as his owner.

She told us about the new pet cemetery they were using in Holywell, and how we could go down today to have him cremated, or they could come down and collect him. She said they were very respectful, and there was a little chapel where you could go and say goodbye, and you could stay with them to the very end. A part of me wanted to go, because I always promised Benny - time after time - that I would always stay with him, but another part of me couldn't bear the idea of having Benny one moment, and then the cremation the next. My parents thought the same too, but would do whatever I wanted. My Dad went and spoke to them on the phone, and asked for the plaque to read 'BEN'. Eventually I had to leave him there. The last bit I saw of him was his little left ear, and the little tuft of hair he has sticking up from it.

Needless to say, I continued crying. As it was Mother's Day, we went home & had a Sunday lunch. I was impressed with how little I managed to cry. Afterwards I went to bed and read. I then read all through the next day. To stop reading was to guarantee sobbing. I ended up having to plan everything carefully. I needed the bathroom, so I gave myself enough time to stop reading and not cry. Just as I got to my door, my phone rang. It was my Dad, with a message for my Mum. So I had to go and give her the message, but she was on the phone, so then I headed to the bathroom, and by the time I was in my room, brushing my teeth, I was sobbing. I'd taken too long. My Mum came and told me that Ben had just been cremated, and we could go down and collect his ashes the next day. I think the longest I managed to go without a book and not cry was 45 minutes.

On Tuesday she took me for lunch at The Boat Inn. We sat in the sun for a bit, but it got a little chilly. The succession of nice days we've had since Benny died have seemed cruel. I said to my Mum a month or two ago that I wanted Benny to be able to go out and play like he did in the summer. She said he could "When the Spring comes". I remember thinking that I wasn't sure if he'd still be with us then. I held it out as something he had to reach. Tuesday was the first official day of Spring. Ben died on the Saturday. But we've had some nice days already, and my Dad said he'd gone to the door to let Toddy in earlier in the week, and had found it was Ben! So really he did get to play out again, and he did make it to Spring.

The nice thing about the pet cemetery is that you can see people who loved the animals they lived with just as much as you do. It's hard when you're around people who don't. I know that most people won't understand what I'm going through, so I've just told people that someone I was close to, who I loved very much, passed away this weekend. Then they leave me alone and give me the time I need.

I was upset when we got Benny back. The box he was in wasn't like the ones I was used to, and you couldn't open it to see the ashes. I need that, I think. And the plaque didn't just have his name on it, like we asked, but the date he died and his age. That upset me too. They said we could order another box - I refuse to use the term 'casket' or 'coffin' from the place we used years ago, and the man at the desk ordered it while we were there. He then gave me a clear keyring with Benny's black and white fur in it. I already have a little bit of Ben's fur at home, taken on the night he died, but this keyring is amazing. I've barely let it go since I got it.

We went for a walk round the grounds after that, and a man who tended the place took us into the chapel and showed us where all the animals are placed before they are taken through to cremation, so that whoever needs to come and say goodbye to them can. He told us how 30,000 animals have passed through there, and that they had 10,000 visitors just last year. He told us about the people who had their ashes buried there with their animals, and about the elderly couple who came and visited their dogs every Tuesday and Thursday, and had sold their house and bought a bungalow down the road to be closer to them, because the two dogs were like their children. There were even horses buried there - one had lived to be 39. Seeing the ages that some people had lost their animals, I was pleased I had 15 years with Benny. I always want more though. I would always want more time with Ben.

I carry Ben in his box, or at least the keyring, wherever I am in the house now. I managed to on;y cry three times yesterday. Today I cried considerably more, and for lot longer periods. It's agonising.

His mummy, Abby, had another epileptic fit while I was writing this, and I freaked out. I was so scared. I called my Dad, glad that we live on campus and that he could come home. I think I just cried down the phone about what had happened. Benny loved his mummy so much. They would wash each other, and she would then bite his ear and cuff him over the head. He still loved her though. He used to flop down next to her for attention, and she'd walk off. It was very cute. And sometimes, when Abby had one of her fits, Ben would cheekily try to sneak over to her bowl to eat her food. They would often sit together, and turn their heads at the same time. We said they were like book ends.

My parents say I should write down everything I remember about Ben, or else I'll start to forget. I don't want to forget. I don't ever want to forget.

Losing Ben has been really, really hard. Like I said, after my Mum, Dad, and brother, he was the one I cared about and loved the most. 15 years is a long time, and for him to suddenly not be here . . .

I have a photo on my door. It says 'Your last mortal thought will be "Why did I take so many days, just like today, for granted?"', and I'm glad that I can truly say that I didn't take Benny's last day for granted, and that I didn't take Benny for granted. I love him, and I will always love him, and I hope that if I manage to live so long that I have dementia - though I really, really don't want dementia - I hope I can still remember him then, along with my Mum, Dad, and brother.

I love you, Ben.

2014/06/07(sat)

Asshole Carnival Vol.2

at Earthdom

ANAL VOLCANO

Mecosario (岡崎)

Retch

GO-ZEN

SAIGAN TERROR

ZENOCIDE

DJ : LOVEJUICE

Blood Rite Vol. 7

at Earthdom

2015/1/17(sat)

Hatred Raid

Retch

Marubullmen

Hazard

Sobbed

Taste

Sally peeked into the kitchen, nearly retched, and backed away in horror. She'd heard rumors about Chef Dumond but everything he made was too delicious for it to be true. But it was, and that meant that Sally actually liked Spam! This time she retched, and cried.

If I were you I'd really run from me

I'd really, really wish that I were you

When I get loose, I'll climb a tree

And drop a load on your head

This monster in me makes me retch, you messed it, messed it up

"...heavy rain, cold wind and strains of a man retching as we walked past his tent into KR. Bought food (coffee machine kaput) and munched on bench outside the store. After speaking to passing challengers - Lindy (Griffiths) resigned to her FWA, Marc (Kevers) on his wettest ever crossing - decided it would be wise to abandon our intended route by the back of Schiehallion and tramp the road."

Bournemouth's tethered balloon in lower park retches 400ft on a good day with panoramic views over Dorset.

Hand held at 1/15th.

2014/06/07(sat)

Asshole Carnival Vol.2

at Earthdom

ANAL VOLCANO

Mecosario (岡崎)

Retch

GO-ZEN

SAIGAN TERROR

ZENOCIDE

DJ : LOVEJUICE

2014/06/07(sat)

Asshole Carnival Vol.2

at Earthdom

ANAL VOLCANO

Mecosario (岡崎)

Retch

GO-ZEN

SAIGAN TERROR

ZENOCIDE

DJ : LOVEJUICE

2014/06/07(sat)

Asshole Carnival Vol.2

at Earthdom

ANAL VOLCANO

Mecosario (岡崎)

Retch

GO-ZEN

SAIGAN TERROR

ZENOCIDE

DJ : LOVEJUICE

2014/06/07(sat)

Asshole Carnival Vol.2

at Earthdom

ANAL VOLCANO

Mecosario (岡崎)

Retch

GO-ZEN

SAIGAN TERROR

ZENOCIDE

DJ : LOVEJUICE

Nowhere else have I seen so many religious protesters — I mean, I’ve seen groups this size at many Pride events, but never so many separate such groups scattered around one event. The vibe at Mardi Gras is a rather strange one, I must say: it’s ostensibly a religious observance — the local ABC affiliate during the Oscars kept showing clips of revelers with the slogan GOD BLESS LOUISIANA — and yet it’s famous for its unbridled debauchery. And yet again, I didn’t even see that much debauchery! I did kind of get the sense that there may have been recent efforts to make the whole thing to some degree more wholesome, although when it comes to the drinking, I’d say that was met with limited success. I did see more than one person bend over in the street, retching with evident intent to vomit (which, thankfully, did not happen) -- people would gather round to watch. Where else in the world do you find both Jesus freaks and vomit as entertainment on the same street?

We did also see, at one point, two separate groups walking single file down the sidewalks on either side of the crowded Bourbon Street, singing hymns.

2014/06/07(sat)

Asshole Carnival Vol.2

at Earthdom

ANAL VOLCANO

Mecosario (岡崎)

Retch

GO-ZEN

SAIGAN TERROR

ZENOCIDE

DJ : LOVEJUICE

Use this image without my permission is illegal. All Rights Reserved ste.t.©

A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird

B-b-b-bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, the bird is the word

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, well the bird is the word

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

A-well-a don't you know about the bird?

Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word!

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

A-well-a...

A-well-a everybody's heard about the bird

Bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

A-well-a bird, bird, bird, b-bird's the word

A-well-a don't you know about the bird?

Well, everybody's talking about the bird!

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

A-well-a bird...

Surfin' bird

Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb... [retching noises]... aaah!

Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-

Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-ooma-mow-mow

Papa-ooma-mow-mow

Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow

Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow

Ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow

Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow

Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow

Oom-oom-oom-oom-ooma-mow-mow

Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-oom-oom-oom

Oom-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow

Ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow

Papa-a-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow

Papa-ooma-mow-mow, ooma-mow-mow

Papa-ooma-mow-mow, ooma-mow-mow

Papa-oom-oom-oom-oom-ooma-mow-mow

Oom-oom-oom-oom-ooma-mow-mow

Ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow

Papa-ooma-mow-mow, ooma-mow-mow

Well don't you know about the bird?

Well, everybody knows that the bird is the word!

A-well-a bird, bird, b-bird's the word

Papa-ooma-mow-mow, papa-ooma-mow-mow

the Trashmen

surfin'bird