Dear Me Day 41
Day 41/365
I have decided that today was a test. I didn't outright fail, which is good... but I didn't exactly pass with flying colors either. I think if I had to grade me today... we'd probably be looking at about... a C+... maybe a B-.
It's been a crazy couple of weeks at work, and today was the cherry on top. Issues abounded, and when I took a deep breath, stepped away to go and enjoy a carefree lunch hour-- I got most of the way to my lunch choice-- and heard "pfbthffffffffffft." Which any seasoned bad-luck driver will recognize as the sound of a tire falling flat.
But I was cool, I can handle a tire change. I did accept the assistance of Chivalrous Gentleman #2 who happened along as I was deciding that the bolts might actually be superglued to the car. But I did the rest of it myself. Back at work, and things exploded on my desk, as usual. And by the end of the day, I was tired, sore, scraped (tire changing I can do, but apparently not without scraping my arms, or cutting my fingers... stupid tire), and incredibly frustrated.
At one point I actually walked away from my desk, logged out of my phone and hid in the bathroom to post on facebook, "So Frustrated I could SPIT." To which several of my friends and family said, "Go for it!"
As I walked in the door at home, my work cell rang. I answered, but heard the sounds of conversation... assuming I'd been butt-dialed, I said hello loudly a few times, then hung up. My personal cell rang shortly after. I knew who it was. It was the same number. Only one customer has both numbers. I groaned, answered, and shot my whole night to crap.
Overwhelmed at not even being able to SIT for a MINUTE and relax before being confronted with a major customer issue... I lost it a little bit.
Ok, I lost it a lot. As Kris and I headed out to dinner, I started to feel the crushing anxiety that used to plague me daily. I couldn't stand the thought of being out, being seen, being in the world. I made her take me home.
Safely ensconced in my room, I bawled. Ugly-cryin', nose-runnin', choking sobs. Like I haven't in MONTHS. Like I haven't since I started therapy.
And while I was drowning myself, feeling small, and stressed, and overwhelmed... I remembered the words of SuperTherapist from our session last night.
"I think that you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for."
I have come a long way since last summer. I am not in the same emotional space that I was. I have new tools to use. I have a foundation of hope and knowledge that I didn't have before. And I allowed myself to cry, allowed myself to feel a little stressed, and a little overwhelmed.
And then I let it go. I called Kris, met her at the restaurant and tried to loosen up. I am still exhausted, and I probably wasn't the BEST company I've ever been. But I moved through it. And that's something I couldn't do 6, 7, 8 months ago.
My strength, my capabilities, are not limited to being able to change a tire... it's about more than that. It's about the ability to move beyond these moments that used to be my constant. About knowing that they are just that-- moments.
And tomorrow, when I go into the office to deal with my end-of-the-day-almost-ready-to-relax issue... I will breathe, I will deal with it, and then I will leave it behind me and go get my tire replaced. I will know that I am capable of dealing with stress and frustration and not letting it take over.
Because I am stronger.
Dear Me Day 41
Day 41/365
I have decided that today was a test. I didn't outright fail, which is good... but I didn't exactly pass with flying colors either. I think if I had to grade me today... we'd probably be looking at about... a C+... maybe a B-.
It's been a crazy couple of weeks at work, and today was the cherry on top. Issues abounded, and when I took a deep breath, stepped away to go and enjoy a carefree lunch hour-- I got most of the way to my lunch choice-- and heard "pfbthffffffffffft." Which any seasoned bad-luck driver will recognize as the sound of a tire falling flat.
But I was cool, I can handle a tire change. I did accept the assistance of Chivalrous Gentleman #2 who happened along as I was deciding that the bolts might actually be superglued to the car. But I did the rest of it myself. Back at work, and things exploded on my desk, as usual. And by the end of the day, I was tired, sore, scraped (tire changing I can do, but apparently not without scraping my arms, or cutting my fingers... stupid tire), and incredibly frustrated.
At one point I actually walked away from my desk, logged out of my phone and hid in the bathroom to post on facebook, "So Frustrated I could SPIT." To which several of my friends and family said, "Go for it!"
As I walked in the door at home, my work cell rang. I answered, but heard the sounds of conversation... assuming I'd been butt-dialed, I said hello loudly a few times, then hung up. My personal cell rang shortly after. I knew who it was. It was the same number. Only one customer has both numbers. I groaned, answered, and shot my whole night to crap.
Overwhelmed at not even being able to SIT for a MINUTE and relax before being confronted with a major customer issue... I lost it a little bit.
Ok, I lost it a lot. As Kris and I headed out to dinner, I started to feel the crushing anxiety that used to plague me daily. I couldn't stand the thought of being out, being seen, being in the world. I made her take me home.
Safely ensconced in my room, I bawled. Ugly-cryin', nose-runnin', choking sobs. Like I haven't in MONTHS. Like I haven't since I started therapy.
And while I was drowning myself, feeling small, and stressed, and overwhelmed... I remembered the words of SuperTherapist from our session last night.
"I think that you are a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for."
I have come a long way since last summer. I am not in the same emotional space that I was. I have new tools to use. I have a foundation of hope and knowledge that I didn't have before. And I allowed myself to cry, allowed myself to feel a little stressed, and a little overwhelmed.
And then I let it go. I called Kris, met her at the restaurant and tried to loosen up. I am still exhausted, and I probably wasn't the BEST company I've ever been. But I moved through it. And that's something I couldn't do 6, 7, 8 months ago.
My strength, my capabilities, are not limited to being able to change a tire... it's about more than that. It's about the ability to move beyond these moments that used to be my constant. About knowing that they are just that-- moments.
And tomorrow, when I go into the office to deal with my end-of-the-day-almost-ready-to-relax issue... I will breathe, I will deal with it, and then I will leave it behind me and go get my tire replaced. I will know that I am capable of dealing with stress and frustration and not letting it take over.
Because I am stronger.