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“Of Music Before Everything”

[a digital music column]

By Mr. TRONA

 

The Eton Ultimate Bluetooth Zombie Apocalypse Tea Party Survival Tool

 

Imagine a tea time where the infuser also serves up music or virtually any other type of file, essentially powered by the very caffeine most of us crave to cure an afternoon lull. Etón, known for a rugged, green-friendly line of products favored by the survivalist set, this week added a new hybrid offering that promises to do this and more.

 

"Tea Et Al. (TEA) is the ultimate survival tool for the tea party that becomes a dance party, then a truly maddening affair when the Zombie Apocalypse goes down," said Dr. Z, psychic research and development representative for Breton, a new Etón subsidiary reportedly named after Andre Breton, the late artist affiliated with the dAdAist and Surrealist movements.

 

TEA is seen as a giant step from the Rukus speaker product, and in addition to its core function as an actual tea infuser and fully waterproof digital music player, extends functionality by acting as a personal wireless server and giving users access to Storm Cloud, the company's soon-to-be-launched unlimited storage service.

 

As with most Etón tech, power options are important product features. Using technology first introduced in the Blackout Buddy H20, which activates when water is added for up to 72 hours of continuous light, TEA features a patented caffeine converter to activate and sustain the cha'puj qut-based battery for up to 72 years.

 

"This product functions as a wireless server and, to my understanding, self replicates, and will be available this spring only, a once in a lifetime opportunity," said Dr. Z. "That's right. Once you've purchased TEA, your investment is over, with generations following you everywhere you go. My team tells me they modeled that part of things after an earthworm's reproduction... whatever. They've also casually spoke of weaponization, but I won't go too far into it because those people scare me. Seriously."

 

"Although 'self-replication' is obviously little more than a prank, Dr. Z has been acting in the role of a sort of propagandist, seemingly mythologizing some ideas that already sound a bit intriguing," Said Bob Windybottom of the Windybottom Analyst firm. "I suspect that this is an amusing way of articulating the more mundane explanation that users will be given the ability to create additional units via 3D printers, although I have no idea how the company plans on controlling the number of unofficial items being generated, not to mention the obvious potential for these to start appearing on eBay, and so forth."

 

"In terms of other TEA features, the company did recently unveil proprietary satellites, indicating the desire to emulate Lantern, a hugely popular IndieGoGo campaign using Outernet to offer uncensored access to online content for users all over the world," added Windybottom.

 

Pilot or prototype models have not yet been made available to the press, but it is generally understood that TEA will incorporate some aspect of Lantern into its first release. Back to the tea and music for a moment.

 

"Sure, it's easy to joke about how Bluetooth is being added to virtually every product, but I certainly won't deride my Bluetooth tea infuser," said Agnes Breton, granddaughter of Andre Breton, and the self-proclaimed CIO of the new Etón subsidiary. "TEA will be our introduction to the world, and seriously, I've been testing one, and Trent Reznor and Atticus Ross' OST work sounds great from the bottom of a strong cup of Barry's."

 

"I enjoy calling this the Breton Ultimate Bluetooth Zombie Apocalypse Tea Party Survival Tool, and it's a lovely little objet d'art, too" added Breton. "Incidentally, I'm thinking of producing a short film based on Alice's Adventures In Wonderland with TEA obviously being used as a central character, if you will, and lots of Zombies. I just know Carroll would've loved that."

 

"But just imagine what The Hatter could do with TEA!"

 

TEA has, predictably perhaps, drawn scorn, skepticism, ridicule, and even potentially some emulation. Gerson Labs, a medical research firm based in Lawrence, KS, recently announced a coffee enema apparatus that would use Bluetooth to track patient information, that and a streaming music service for "added value, recreationally speaking," according to a company press release.

 

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