toxeh
11/12 (zoey) - only yesterday
I'm sorry guys. I had to be ready to talk about this last month, but I wasn't. I'm still not but my own childish behavior regarding my Flickr uploads is starting to piss me off so I'm forcing myself to at least offer an explanation.
You'll notice this picture is from November of last year. Liz has generously allowed me to finish off the final two months of the project with old photos. It'll still be a full set, just in a weird order.
The reason I have to do this - Zoey is no longer accessible to me. Her family finally cracked under the pressure and decided to rehome her to someone able to offer her all the attention she's been needing.
That person should have been me, would have been me, but the timing ended up all wrong. It's kind of pathetic that, for her entire life up until this point, I waited and hoped that Zoey would become mine somehow. I didn't see it ever happening, but still, I entertained the idea.
Her family did everything right at first. They researched, they planned, they prepared. They were on lists for two years before their turn came up for a puppy. They drove hours to pick her up and bring her home. It was perfect.
Two months later, they found out they were expecting a baby and Zoey quickly fell to the sideline. Still, they stuck through it. I was there to make sure of that. She was never neglected - she had a home, a family, and me. She grew up and while she may not have been the most well trained or well mannered dog, she had more heart to give than any animal I've known.
The baby came and there were the three other kids to deal with, but I never thought Zoey was a burden to her people. She was just the opposite of that for me.
After she celebrated her second birthday, after the baby became a toddler, I figured they were in the clear. They got through the hardest part. They were set.
Then... I went and did something stupid. I got a second dog. Zoey was never going to be mine. I was just happy to have her on the side.
Fast forward another couple of months, and there I was, put in a position I never thought I would be. Suddenly, Zoey had to go. She was rowdy, she was mouthy, she kept getting out of the yard that the boys were leaving unsecured. She was a big dog, and there was a walking 18 month old to consider. Again, I don't want to judge; everything she was doing was completely manageable, but I wasn't the one living in that household every hour of every day. It's not the path I would've taken, not a choice I would've made. It was just done.
I've had to deal with so much guilt and regret over not being able to take Zoey when she finally REALLY needed me. I hear she's got a wonderful home with a wonderful person that works a pet-friendly job and has another Berner for her to be friends with... None of that makes it any better. She's not here with me, where I feel she's always belonged. She's three hours away in a stranger's house and the fact that I'll never get to see her again has been eating away at me bit by bit.
The first four weeks after the last time I saw her, I was walking around with what felt like a literal hole in my chest. I don't believe in higher powers but I prayed every night that Zoey would be miserable and destructive and they'd just send her back to us. I had many late night words with my "employers" - who I always thought of as family but suddenly felt so betrayed by. We hashed it out. I understood their reasoning, I really did. I tried my best to help avoid them having to give Zoey away. I managed to delay it a few times, because they were aware of how much she meant to me. I offered to take her on weekends, to go their house and walk/train her every day of the week if I had to. I was bargaining and they accommodated me for a while but their minds were set.
I remember that last day, when I went over to watch the youngest while the rest of the family drove upstate for a wedding reception. Zoey was freshly groomed and when they loaded her into the car, I knew I had failed her. They said they were just going to try it; see if she liked it up there and if they weren't too sad to let her go. I think they were tired of arguing with me about it, because they'd given me no warning. I simply shrugged. Some battles can't be won. I guess it was never really my fight.
I didn't say goodbye to Zoey because I couldn't imagine them going through with it. I thought about the little girl I'd just adopted barely a month before, how I would gladly run back to the shelter and say "here, take her, she's not the one for me" so that second dog opening would be once again available for Zoey. But even in just a month, we'd been through too much, and I'd made a commitment signing those adoption papers. I wasn't the type of person to go back on that. As much as it broke my heart because it meant I had to watch the dog I'd loved and cared for the previous two and a half years slip away from me.
And it did break my heart. I keep telling myself it's silly to feel this torn up over it but here I am. A lot better now, mind you. I can go a day or two without thinking about her, and then I will and the pain returns. I know she's fine, since she was a lover of anyone and everyone. At least for that I'm trying to be happy, because I know she adjusted easily. She's being spoiled and adored. She's finally getting the life she deserved from the start.
But I miss her. I always will. I said at the beginning of this project that Zoey is about as close as I've come to having a heart dog, and now that she's gone I'm even more sure of that. I'm afraid she's tainted me and I'll never have that kind of connection with another pet. I won't allow myself to if I can help it because it hurts way too freakin' much losing them.
I love Hike, he's my boy and I can't imagine being without him, but his independent nature keeps a healthy distance in my feelings toward him. I love Wick too but the way she came into my life has probably scarred our relationship - I shouldn't look at her with regret yet I fear I sometimes do.
That said, my dogs are very well taken care of and I will never put myself in a position that leads me to give either of them up. I have plans and assurances. I knew what I was getting into and I am going to make any necessary sacrifices if my situation ever changes. Dogs are not disposable.
This is becoming really ranty and disjointed. I had to say something, though. It's been overdue. I should've just written it all up the day after Zoey went away, but the raw emotion of my words might've been too much to post publicly then. There's overreacting and then there's overreacting, and believe me, I know I'm overreacting. I need to look at the big picture. Zoey is alive and well. I'm just being selfish. Not even her own family were selfish (although I guess that's debatable) - they did give her away with the best intentions in mind.
Still, we were at such a good place last year around this time. While I never took Zoey for granted, I sure wish I could go back and have a few more hours with her.
I wish I would've told her goodbye that day, just in case.
Love you, Zozo.
11/12 (zoey) - only yesterday
I'm sorry guys. I had to be ready to talk about this last month, but I wasn't. I'm still not but my own childish behavior regarding my Flickr uploads is starting to piss me off so I'm forcing myself to at least offer an explanation.
You'll notice this picture is from November of last year. Liz has generously allowed me to finish off the final two months of the project with old photos. It'll still be a full set, just in a weird order.
The reason I have to do this - Zoey is no longer accessible to me. Her family finally cracked under the pressure and decided to rehome her to someone able to offer her all the attention she's been needing.
That person should have been me, would have been me, but the timing ended up all wrong. It's kind of pathetic that, for her entire life up until this point, I waited and hoped that Zoey would become mine somehow. I didn't see it ever happening, but still, I entertained the idea.
Her family did everything right at first. They researched, they planned, they prepared. They were on lists for two years before their turn came up for a puppy. They drove hours to pick her up and bring her home. It was perfect.
Two months later, they found out they were expecting a baby and Zoey quickly fell to the sideline. Still, they stuck through it. I was there to make sure of that. She was never neglected - she had a home, a family, and me. She grew up and while she may not have been the most well trained or well mannered dog, she had more heart to give than any animal I've known.
The baby came and there were the three other kids to deal with, but I never thought Zoey was a burden to her people. She was just the opposite of that for me.
After she celebrated her second birthday, after the baby became a toddler, I figured they were in the clear. They got through the hardest part. They were set.
Then... I went and did something stupid. I got a second dog. Zoey was never going to be mine. I was just happy to have her on the side.
Fast forward another couple of months, and there I was, put in a position I never thought I would be. Suddenly, Zoey had to go. She was rowdy, she was mouthy, she kept getting out of the yard that the boys were leaving unsecured. She was a big dog, and there was a walking 18 month old to consider. Again, I don't want to judge; everything she was doing was completely manageable, but I wasn't the one living in that household every hour of every day. It's not the path I would've taken, not a choice I would've made. It was just done.
I've had to deal with so much guilt and regret over not being able to take Zoey when she finally REALLY needed me. I hear she's got a wonderful home with a wonderful person that works a pet-friendly job and has another Berner for her to be friends with... None of that makes it any better. She's not here with me, where I feel she's always belonged. She's three hours away in a stranger's house and the fact that I'll never get to see her again has been eating away at me bit by bit.
The first four weeks after the last time I saw her, I was walking around with what felt like a literal hole in my chest. I don't believe in higher powers but I prayed every night that Zoey would be miserable and destructive and they'd just send her back to us. I had many late night words with my "employers" - who I always thought of as family but suddenly felt so betrayed by. We hashed it out. I understood their reasoning, I really did. I tried my best to help avoid them having to give Zoey away. I managed to delay it a few times, because they were aware of how much she meant to me. I offered to take her on weekends, to go their house and walk/train her every day of the week if I had to. I was bargaining and they accommodated me for a while but their minds were set.
I remember that last day, when I went over to watch the youngest while the rest of the family drove upstate for a wedding reception. Zoey was freshly groomed and when they loaded her into the car, I knew I had failed her. They said they were just going to try it; see if she liked it up there and if they weren't too sad to let her go. I think they were tired of arguing with me about it, because they'd given me no warning. I simply shrugged. Some battles can't be won. I guess it was never really my fight.
I didn't say goodbye to Zoey because I couldn't imagine them going through with it. I thought about the little girl I'd just adopted barely a month before, how I would gladly run back to the shelter and say "here, take her, she's not the one for me" so that second dog opening would be once again available for Zoey. But even in just a month, we'd been through too much, and I'd made a commitment signing those adoption papers. I wasn't the type of person to go back on that. As much as it broke my heart because it meant I had to watch the dog I'd loved and cared for the previous two and a half years slip away from me.
And it did break my heart. I keep telling myself it's silly to feel this torn up over it but here I am. A lot better now, mind you. I can go a day or two without thinking about her, and then I will and the pain returns. I know she's fine, since she was a lover of anyone and everyone. At least for that I'm trying to be happy, because I know she adjusted easily. She's being spoiled and adored. She's finally getting the life she deserved from the start.
But I miss her. I always will. I said at the beginning of this project that Zoey is about as close as I've come to having a heart dog, and now that she's gone I'm even more sure of that. I'm afraid she's tainted me and I'll never have that kind of connection with another pet. I won't allow myself to if I can help it because it hurts way too freakin' much losing them.
I love Hike, he's my boy and I can't imagine being without him, but his independent nature keeps a healthy distance in my feelings toward him. I love Wick too but the way she came into my life has probably scarred our relationship - I shouldn't look at her with regret yet I fear I sometimes do.
That said, my dogs are very well taken care of and I will never put myself in a position that leads me to give either of them up. I have plans and assurances. I knew what I was getting into and I am going to make any necessary sacrifices if my situation ever changes. Dogs are not disposable.
This is becoming really ranty and disjointed. I had to say something, though. It's been overdue. I should've just written it all up the day after Zoey went away, but the raw emotion of my words might've been too much to post publicly then. There's overreacting and then there's overreacting, and believe me, I know I'm overreacting. I need to look at the big picture. Zoey is alive and well. I'm just being selfish. Not even her own family were selfish (although I guess that's debatable) - they did give her away with the best intentions in mind.
Still, we were at such a good place last year around this time. While I never took Zoey for granted, I sure wish I could go back and have a few more hours with her.
I wish I would've told her goodbye that day, just in case.
Love you, Zozo.