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Double Top Secret “Texas Flag Tea Staining Ceremony”
The last couple of Texas Flags I procured were “Tea Stained” variants. They are nice but they are Nylon/Polyester. I prefer an inside flag to be made of cotton because that’s how I roll. Unfortunately, I could not locate a cotton Tea Stained Texas Flag from any of my sources.
Well, I thought, “I didn’t get those two engineering degrees from Texas A&M for nothing. I’ll do it my own damn self!”
Fortunately, I knew the Double Top Secret Texas Tea Staining Ceremony. The ritual is in the “Texas Book of Secrets” that is kept hidden in the Alamo Basement.
The Double Top Secret Ceremony requires tea, bourbon, and human blood spilled on it in front of the Alamo. As I wasn’t about to drive 3 hours to the Alamo Grounds, I used a proxy I have in my possession for the Alamo. I bought it from the Alamo Gift Shop. Without sacrificial blood, the magic in the Texas Flag will not activate and it has no powers.
The human blood was a bit problematic because it has to be taken from six parallel cuts on the left arm. I used the Sweeney Todd straight razor (throat cutter) because it’s the sharpest implement I own. If it had not been for Maker’s Mark, I would never have been able to stand over the sink in my kitchen and slice my arm six times — even though that blade is sharper than a surgeon’s scalpel. Often, when I shave with the straight razor, there’s enough blood in the bathroom sink that it looks like a scene from “Texas Chainsaw Massacre.” But the “Texas Book of Secrets” in the Alamo Basement specifically says, “Six cuts, left arm.”
I brewed the tea and without sipping any, added enough bourbon to cool it down to a temperature that was cotton safe. The rest, other than the blood letting, was relatively easy. I didn’t want the entire white section to be stained all the same so I stained parts of it in the tea and splashed the tea/bourbon mixture on other parts of the white stripe and star (both sides). Alamo Basement Texas A&M Aggie Ring took a “Ring Dunk.” I warned him, “That’s tea!” He answered back, “It’s got bourbon!”
With Alamo Basement Aggie Ring cheering me on, I “donated” blood to activate the magical powers of the Texas Flag in front of a proxy for the Alamo. I played “Texas, Our Texas” as performed by the Fighting Texas Aggie Band (FTAB) directed by then LTC Joe Haney on the home music server. I was thinking, “If the FTAB can march with those Tubas, I can slice my arm six times.” The Magic Spurs and Little Texas Aggie Bear were along for the ride.
I am quietly pleased with the results. I like my version much better than the two commercial Tea Stained Texas Flags I own. Some people age their flags by rubbing it with a brick or tattering the edges. I would like to rub some soil or at least some rainwater from the grounds of the Alamo upon it to further distress it. We shall see what I can manage the next time I make it to the above-basement portion of the Alamo. I can tell you this for nothing — It will involve a visit to the Menger Bar across the alley from the Alamo.
Alamo Basement Aggie Ring’s comment on the entire Double Top Secret Texas Flag Tea Staining Ceremony was, “It’s a kind of magic!”